Dinosaurs are making me feel fat and I haven’t even eaten any of them.

in FURIOUSLY HAPPY, Random Crap

I’ve read that our universe is constantly expanding but that we can’t tell because we’re expanding with it and so we are get bigger at the same rate everything else does.  So does that mean that if we traveled back into the past with a time machine that we might be bigger than the dinosaurs since they were around when the universe was smaller? Either way, I think it explains why I feel so fat today.

Unrelated:  Right now I’m in New York recording the audio book version of FURIOUSLY HAPPY and that is exciting and terrifying and exhausting all at once.  If you want to send good thoughts I would love to have them.  I would also accept random compliments, small kittens, or fried cheese sticks.  I’m not picky.  I’ll take whatever you have in your pockets, really.  Surprise me.

No, seriously.  What do you have in your pockets?  Or purses?  Or desk drawer.  What’s the weirdest shit you’ve got on you right now.

407 thoughts on “Dinosaurs are making me feel fat and I haven’t even eaten any of them.”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. If I had fried cheese to send you I definitely would. It will go great!! I do know some fun bloggers in NYC if you are bored. A lovely, sexy, and smart collection of people. One knows the galleries really well and makes great snarky comments about the really expensive modern art. If you want me to hook you up let me know!!

    I went on an overnight date with my boyfriend once and had put some stuff in my purse, including – ahem – a little butt plug…which I forgot to take out the next day (it went unused) and then of course found it while rooting around for my wallet in a store.

  2. I have a small bag of cable ties and a stuffed beaver in my backpack.
    You rock!! I can’t wait to listen to Furiously Happy.

  3. I have five lipsticks in my bag. All pretty much the same color. All unflattering. I pull them out at the drugstore so I know what not to buy. Then I buy one.

  5. I have my first gray hair…..single strand that arrived when I turned 30. It is taped to an old business card and has lived in my purse for 13 years…..No, it doesn’t seem to be a charm to ward away others.

  7. A broken crayon, yellow. A bent paper clip, 2 blue M&Ms, and cheap, leopard print, plastic, reading glasses.

  8. I don’t have a purse or handbag, and my dress pants don’t have pockets, which leads me off on a tangent… why don’t women’s dress pants have pockets? Sometimes, they do, but they are sewn shut! I don’t get it.

    Anyway, I digress. Since I have no pockets or other ways to carry weird things, I have to carry it all in my hands, which means I don’t have much. Phone, wallet, keys, drink. That’s it!

    Good luck in NYC. Can’t wait to see you in Wichita, KS!

  9. A jar of keyboard cleaner/yellow snot (it’s actually awesome for cleaning), a light up aluminum Christmas tree that plugs into my computer, and a pair of black high heels that are really a phone stand. Oh, and my lucky lug nut – it’s the only one that held until the bolt broke when my tire flew off my car a few years ago. It reminds me to hold on until the handle breaks when I’m in trouble.

  10. We weigh less at high altitude, so I’m assuming I’d put on a few pounds if I came to visit.
    Good luck with the recording. The sound of my voice always creeps me out.

  11. In Japanese folklore, foxes used to be (or perhaps still might be) considered as demons/tricksters and could apparently possess people like succubi and the like. They were also thought to be able to shape-shift into humans. Just something I was reading on Wikipedia last night and freaked me out because I used to think foxes were my spirit animal. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kitsune

  12. I try not to carry too many weird things in my purse – I have enough in my head, thank you very much!

  13. It’s summertime. I have on me exactly four things – cotton pants, cotton shirt, a Navajo bracelet and cheap reading glasses. Unless you want my super-organism census in which case I’m sure my personal biome has all kinds of weird subcultures . . .

  15. I have a bottle of apple cider vinegar in my desk at work. Yeah, my coworkers think I’m crazy.

  16. I have a paint sample strip from the local Wal-Mart that I have been carrying for at least a decade. I have this because 19 years ago, Husband and I bought a house with a bathroom that has tub, sink and stool of a lovely (not) dark turquoise blue. As you can imagine, toilet seats of that color have become exceeding difficult to purchase. I have discovered that attaching a seat of a different hue makes the whole ensemble even uglier. So, I carry the paint sample just in case I find a turquoise toilet seat. But, if this will help you in any small way, it is yours.

  18. I have a bottle of apple cider vinegar in my desk at work. My coworkers think it’s weird.

  19. You’re more beautiful than Cinderella, you smell like pine needles, and you have a face like sunshine!

    I was having a problem for awhile where I was apparently subconsciously worried about the upcoming zombie apocalypse and was hoarding food – I found a taco, 2 kiwis, and a piece of buttered toast in my purse over a period of a month, with no recollection of putting them there.

  20. I have some Polish coins. Also some Colombian coins. And a Canadian coin, and a couple of American quarters I’ve set aside because I don’t want to accidentally spend them. Friends call me a numismatist. I think that’s their polite way of saying “funny money hoarder”.

    Foreign money makes me happy, so instead of fried cheese sticks or kittens or, for that matter, any actual money, I’m wadding up the happiness from the money and throwing it your way.

  21. All I have in my pockets is my security pass for work. But I have a stuffed toy skunk on my desk. Is that any help?

  22. Antihistamine spray and some ant killer.

    Please check up on me later, there’s a good chance I could get this wrong/

  25. I have a packet of sweet and sour from McDonalds. It’s better than the S&S from my local Chinese restaurant

  27. On my desk I have a Twilight Sparkle, a Minion, and a Tardis interspersed with paperwork and office supplies. Oh, and I have Hello Kitty duct tape over my air vent. It gets really, REALLY cold in here. My pockets are empty, but I have a snuggie and some fleece socks in my desk drawers. Like I said, it gets cold in here. 🙂

  29. I’ve got two lip balms, a hair tie, rewetting drops, and five kleenexes in my pockets. My back pack is worse. My boss refers to it as the T.A.R.D.I.S. I’ve always thought of it as more like Mary Poppins’ capet bag, but T.A.R.D.I.S. works too.

  30. I keep a small bag of mixed nuts for emergency food needs but today I also have a brown sugar cinnamon pop tart cause I don’t think I’ll have time for lunch between meetings today. 🙁

    So excited for Furiously Happy!!!

  31. People laugh at me for carrying a Swiss army style multi tool (pliers/scissors/screwdriver/etc) but that damn thing gets used all the time.

  32. A broken crayon, yellow. A bent paper clip, 2 blue M&Ms, and cheap, leopard print, plastic, reading glasses.

  33. I have some orange beads and a small plastic goat. I’m also eating yogurt and granola for breakfast. They are yours if you wish.

  34. My 4 year old declared that today is his stuffed animal hedgehog’s birthday. Hedgie came to work with me, and I’m taking pictures of his “Birthday Adventure”. So far he’s driven my car, drank some coffee, and done some programming!

  36. A pager and a pay as you go cell phone. No I am not a crack dealer.

  37. Well, Jenny… Right now? Seriously? Since I just crawled out of bed, ( sleep NAKED), and am sitting on the john while reading this (sorry!!!)…. I ummm… Maybe some chipped off, sparkly, purplish-grey, nail polish???? That’s all I’d have to offer. It was really pretty 2 weeks ago though! 😉

  39. /Users/stephanieconrad/Desktop/IMG_2870.jpg

    Sigh. Looks like maybe I’m gonna need to learn HTML.

  40. The only thing in my pocket is my laminated “Not my circus, not my monkeys” card. It helps me keep perspective. Happy to share.

  41. Not fair! not fair! It isn’t fair, my precious, is it, to ask us what we’ve got in our nassty little pocketsess? It isn’t the precious! Oh no! But you can have all the taters! Yessss! Yess! We gladly gives you the yucky taters!

  42. I have tiny boxes filled with the teeth of small children inside a plastic baggie. Because, yeah, I keep my kids’ teeth. I feel like that’s weird? I also kept their umbilical cord stump things because I heard it would bring you good luck (although I don’t believe in good luck?) if you plant them under a tree in your house. But I hated the house I lived in when they were born, and then I sold it and moved into a rental and just recently bought a new house after my divorce. So I have six and eight year-old placenta stumps ready for planting in a plastic bag in my safe.

    So, anyway.

  43. PS On my desk at work, I have a rusty railroad spike for use when the Skynet goes online and the machines rebel and/or the zombie apocalypse.

  44. Sitting here in a towel, the only “weird shit” I have on me is my laptop, which is weird enough. I broke the screws off the backplate (the part that covers the hard drive), so it’s hanging on by the threads of some old duct tape. SEXY!

    We had a family of ducklings move into our pool yesterday, though, so I got the duckling quacklings alarm in the 4:00 hour. That was fun.

  46. Imagine a very small praying mantis sitting on the tip of my not terribly large index finger, and looking absolutely BAD ASS. They have no concept that being the size of a pea makes them any less fierce. They have no Idea how cute they are. Especially when they jump.

    Not my pictures, but they will have to do.
    Have a baby praying mantiss kind of day, Ms. Lawson. Own the badness-ness…….ness.

  48. On my desk, the only thing of any interest is my dancing baby Groot bobblehead, who is adorable but slightly sad-looking, because his bobbly little head is sagging forward. So either he’s sad or he’s watching what I type. Groot, you’re so nosy! In my drawers, the oddest thing is probably the giant box of Turkish Delight which is actually mostly empty now. Nothing super-odd in the pockets – I seem to have stopped carrying around the 24 cent voucher that was all that was left of my gambling money after I went to see Weird Al at Foxwoods Casino last weekend. Even though it’s only 24 cents, it felt like too much of a waste to throw away, but it’s also probably not worth 24 cents to me to keep track of it until I maybe, someday, go back to Foxwoods. But it’s probably still in my house somewhere.

    And I’m in NYC, and happy to share any of my odd things with you if you’d like 🙂

  49. Bones. Not actual bones, but the wooden musical instrument. I like to practice while I’m stuck in traffic. When people cut me off i rattle them like a voodoo mage and it makes me feel better.

  50. Sitting in my bathrobe, but I still have my fitbit zip in my pocket. Does that make me a fitbit addict?
    I opened my middle desk drawer, thinking nothing odd here. Except, maybe, for the golf ball, hand lotion, nail file, lip balm, mini-flashlight shaped like a hard hat. Hmmm, maybe not such normal desk stuff after all.

  51. Well..I’m sitting at my desk after 2 years maternity leave, working (i.e. reading The Bloggess) and I don’t think I’ve opened my drawer for about that long. So here goes nothing, let’s see what we find that aint stationary:

    A tiny dollhouse lamp and tiny drawer. Hmm. A drawer in a drawer. Of course there is.
    2.Antique silver salt shaker. I was wondering where that was. Now where is the pepper shaker?
    A digital probe thermometer. Awesome I need that. Darnit the battery is dead. Must have left it on….for two years.
    4.A framed photo of me and my friend, with our faces in one of those ‘put your face here’ holes so it looks like we’re from the 1800s. I have a moustache. It makes me laugh. I miss her, she went where I couldn’t follow a long time ago. I’m glad I found that, thanks Jenny. It’s now back on my desk.
    Allen keys. allen keys. allen keys. I must have left one female and one male one in there 2 years ago.
    Two dead mice.
    A scientific calculator from 20 years ago. With another students name written on it in whiteout and a fish sticker. He thought it was his. I had a crush on him. I still have it. Batteries still working!
    Aha! the pepper shaker from above set. Yay!

    The rest is pretty standard stationary, empty wrappers, staple explosions, little plastic bits you pull off printer cartridges, handcream. Wait…I should clarify they were two cordless computer mice/mouses/meeces with no batteries. I now have one with a cord. I guess I’m a battery luddite.

  53. I was going to say…I can prove that theory by going back ten years and looking at the size of my rear 😀

  54. I have a fitbit in my pocket at all times these days. Not walking any extra steps, but at least I know how much I’m not exercising every day.

  55. I have a pacifier in my pocket. I’m at work 12 miles from my child.

  56. Do you accept randomly fried kittens? In a variety of conditions ranging from like-new to oh-god-why-hasn’t-this-been-burned-yet.

  58. I have a turtle made out of shells wearing a straw hat and wire glasses. I think it was a keepsake from a co-workers long forgotten vacation. Not sure though. It kind of just showed up one day…

  59. Glitter Tape.

    And as strange as that is, the weirdest part is just how many opportunities there are in life to put it to good use!

  60. pendant of Moss from the IT crowd. im going to attach it to a garter belt for my friends wedding present. she has a serious crush on him. Personally i prefer chris o’dowd but to each her own. If you havent seen the IT crowd then your missing out. watch it!

  62. I have a skein of the most gorgeous purple yarn on me right now…on its way to becoming socks. In a project bag covered with cute little ninjas. I also have gum.

  63. I’ve got a sheep on a motorcycle, a wind up turtle and Mulder and Scully. You can borrow whatever you need. To be clear, they are Mulder and Scully action figures, not the actual Mulder and Scully because then I’d never get any work done.

  64. In my wallet I have a fortune from the first fortune cookie I ever opened. It says “You will win success in whatever you adopt”. It has been in there for about twelve years (moving from wallet to wallet as time passed by). Of course I have not failed since. 😉

  65. A few years ago, I worked as a buyer for a university book store – the publishers/suppliers liked to give out gimmicky-trinket-like things to make our desks more exciting in our academic environment. So, for 15 years, wherever I’ve spent my days, I have kept within reach a small gray stress ball in the shape of a brain. It says “Standard Deviants” on the bottom and is sporting a single googly eye that fell off a rubber chicken and wears a banana sticker that says “super food for your heart”.
    Seriously, I can’t make this stuff up.

  66. Ph.D. in cosmology here. Nope, everything isn’t expanding. Most galaxies are moving away from one another. But galaxies themselves are unaffected. Things that are smaller are really unaffected. And we’re much smaller than our galaxy 🙂

  67. Weirdest thing in my purse? thanks for making me look – I just found the media cabinet little shelf holder-tabby things I couldn’t find after I moved last week!

  68. Purse contents – A red envelope (empty), bra straps, a My Little Pony figurine (Pinkie Pie), four assorted lip glosses, bobby pins, hair brush, hair oil, dry shampoo, maxed out credit cards, make-up bag, smaller purse with cash and mirror, eye drops, five pens in assorted colors, My Little Pony pencils (sharp), check-book, sunglasses, Target receipt for pokemon cards and legos, business cards, band-aids, and in the side pocket I apparently had school paperwork for my 6 year old that was due a week ago and billing statements for his therapy. You are welcome to any and all of that.

  70. I have 5 pairs of drugstore magnifying glasses I can send. They’re scattered all over my desk so I can reach out and grab one when needed…which is often. Have fun in the Big Apple!

  71. I have a little wooden painted skeleton dog with a little wooden pizza in its mouth, sitting on my desk right next to a hand grenade. I don’t think the grenade is real (pretty sure, anyway), but people tend to look at the skele-dog and the hand grenade and back slowly away from my desk, which is the whole point. Although I like to mess with them by keeping a jar of really good candy on the other side of the hand grenade.

  72. I have the usual and sundry in my purse, but along with that I have the most horrible tasting pack of gum ever! It’s birthday cake flavor which should be delicious, right? WRONG! But I paid $2 for it and I can’t make myself throw it out, so I just keep chewing crappy-tasting gum everyday. On the bright side, it should be gone soon!

  74. I have a pen that looks like a lipstick. Yes, I do often forget it’s a pen, not a lipstick o.0

  75. Two, 3″ tall, die cast gnomes armed with mini-guns and serrated blades.

  76. I have a Paddington Bear in a kilt, a small gargoyle from westminster abbey, and a beaver with a Canadian mountie hat on its head. My bff travels a lot and gifts me with cute foreign nick nacks for my desk.

  77. The other day I found a 20 peso note from Argentina and a NY subway metro card in my makeup case. I live in Sydney. Also, this expanding universe thing totaly explains why my pants don’t fit, it obviously has nothing to do with the ice cream I ate for dinner.

  78. I don’t have any pockets because the idiots who design women’s clothing seem to think that we don’t need to carry anything on our person. WTF?

  80. I have a baby Jesus from a Mardi Gras king cake in my purse… He’s always there… Judging me… and stabbing my fingers with his oddly sharp plastic baby hands…

  81. Second desk drawer: Peanuts bandaids (the cartoons, not the legumes), chocolate covered espresso beans, Mr. Sketch scented markers (people still look at me oddly when I sniff them–I’M NOT HUFFING… exactly), Ooh! Candyland bandaids I forgot I had, and random keys that I inherited when a coworker retired…that no one knows what open.

  83. I thought I was the only one who collected foam stress balls! My favorite is a working “magic 8 ball” (made out of foam – except for the part with the blue liquid that gives your fortune).

    So you are in New York while the rest of us Texans are getting blasted by the first tropical storm? I’m thinking you have the better end of that deal.

  84. I have pocket rocks (lapis lazuli, citrine, and hematite) and a pocket knife. Why do I have pocket rocks? BECAUSE I DON’T WANT THE WORLD TO END!

  85. I have a hamburger bun in my purse. To clarify, it’s in a Ziploc bag. I didn’t want it in my lunch bag because I don’t like cold bread.

  87. In my purse: My Adopt-A-Clam certificate from the World Animal Foundation, to certify that I have adopted a clam. Or rather, someone adopted one in my name, as a prank. I suspect my brother. But I am getting rather fond of the clam.

  89. I am off to New York this weekend – not to record anything except possibly the record for least hours slept (meeting a friend from Australia that I haven’t seen in 5 years).
    In my pockets are a tape measure, umbrella sleeve (slightly damp), last weeks unfinished to do list (also slightly damp) and hand sanitizer.

  90. Just lint. But I have nothing but good wishes for you. Unicorn navel lint. That’s what it is.

  93. In my desk are a ruler specifically for measuring the distance between the pupils of your eyes and the side view plan for Rehoboth Beach DE’s boardwalk.

  94. I would send you kittens, but they may get squashed in the mail…..

    I’ve got a miniature rubber chicken half the size of my pinkie. It’s adorable and taped to my computer monitor at work. ^_^

  95. this morning I had two lady scientists in the waistband pocket of my yoga pants. My walking partner brought Lego minifigs for my 10 year old. Their beakers bring all the boy scientists to the yard. So far we don’t have any lady tears, but we can’t help falling in love with them. that’s how we know they are really scientists.

    Good luck and may your tongue be smooth and without knots.

  96. I have a razor blade sitting under a stress ball on my desk. I have a very kind and lovely job…I don’t even need the stess ball…much less the razor blade. I.Have.No.Idea.

  97. I used to love playing this game with a friend of mine. We joked that she had the black hole of backpacks because she was constantly able to pull out the most random things. However I think my mom has my friend beat on carrying around random crap. At one point, in the late nineties, we were out at dinner and my mom started cleaning out her purse at the table (which is kind of random to begin with) and she pulled out her polio vaccination card. How many decades had she been carrying that around for?

    My strange thing is pretty boring. It’s just gloves. And they’re only strange because it’s been over 80 degrees for the past week.

  98. Seven miniature pandas and a small Gumby and Pokey. Pokey is helpfully carrying a paperclip in his mouth, and Gumby is carrying paperclips on each arm. The pandas are worthless.

  99. I have a few chocolate bars from Halloween, an umbrella, a notebook, blood sugar meter, granola bar..and that’s what is in my tote bag. Don’t get me started on my purse. Good thoughts coming to you!

  101. I am at work, wearing a skirt with no pockets, but I do have a large assortment of drugs from Saudi Arabia & the UAE on my desk. To clarify, I photograph (sometimes I just say I shoot) drugs for a living, they’re not all my drugs!

  102. 4 wine bottle openers in my purse. I may have a drinking problem, except I don’t. I guess I’d just like for someone that does.

  103. On me at the moment? Fish ear bones, and shark vertebrae. No kidding. Actually, i think there might be a random vertebrae stuck to me somewhere in a literal sense… Sometimes as i’m processing them they just shoot off in a random direction and i can’t find them again. Luckily i have more than i need.

  104. Nothing very interesting – Euros, lots of tangly cords, security badges for work, brush, make-up, gum, sunglasses, deodorant, vitamins, valium… OOOOHHHHH! A Finnish chocolate bar! All yours. I bet it tastes better than American chocolate. They always do… though maybe it’s the jet lag.

  106. A roll of Smarties and dental floss. My purse is like the purse from Mary Poppins – whatever you’re looking for, it’s in there.

  107. I have on my desk 3 Wonder Womans (or would that be Women???), and bronze human skull and a zombie finger puppet. I would be glad to send you one of the Wonder Womans (Women???) to be your personal protector. Or the Hank Williams Longfella the Bronze Skull. I kinda wanna keep the zombie finger puppet…He glows in the dark.

  108. I have a Doctor Who cross stitch piece I’m working on in my purse. And by working on, I mean that last fall I thought I’d be done by now but I haven’t even looked at it in months. I also have a baggie of fake clip-on nose/lip rings in my purse.

  109. I have old fortune cookie fortunes both in my wallet and in my desk cupboard, I just didn’t think they were weird.
    The oddest thing in my desk at the moment is a small christmas troll angel with green hair and gold wings. I also have some with red hair packed away with the ornaments. If you have need of such a thing, just say, and they can be winging their way to you.

    I found a picture: https://img0.etsystatic.com/065/0/7801032/il_570xN.779601096_snq0.jpg

  110. Hmmm, I have these weird little alien poof ball looking things with googly eyes. I also have a rubix cube. Both are in my purse for some odd reason. i.e. children.

  111. I sometimes use my purse instead of getting a grocery bag at the supermarket (In Denmark grocery bags costs an arm and a leg), so when I checked my purse now I found an onion. I cannot remember the last time I bought onions. There is also a key I have never seen before. I wonder what it is for?

  112. If you had asked me that yesterday I could have said I had on non-matching shoes. But today I turned on the bedroom light before I shoed up.

  113. I have a bar of hotel soap from my vacation in my pocket. It’s one of the best smelling things on the planet. I also have a LEGO minifig that looks like me, a tissue my son used this morning, and I have a spare Easter egg full of jelly beans.

  115. I have a true lime packet on my desk. It is yours. I’ll put your name on it.

  116. In my purse: cell phone, charger, small pharmacy of meds, gum, granola bar, your book, pad of paper and pen, a bit of bubble wrap, cat mini stuffed animal, screw driver for some reason, small bottle of glitter, and duct tape.

  118. I have seven smushed pennies in my wallet that depict, in the order I picked them up, the blue whale at the American Museum of Natural History in New York City (2007), Shakespeare’s birthplace in Stratford-Upon-Avon (2008), a bullet train at the National Railway Museum in York, England (2012), the Sears Tower in Chicago (2013), the Alexander Nevsky Cathedral in Tallinn, Estonia (2014), the Stratford Festival in Stratford, Ontario (2014), and a man panning for gold in Arrowtown, New Zealand (2015). Smushed penny machines keep getting harder to find but they make for the best keepsakes ^.^

  120. I’m a babysitting a tiny toy zebra for my 4-year old daughter while she is at preschool today. I brought it in to my office to take a photo to prove to her I kept it with me all day. She didn’t believe me that I brought the zebra in with me yesterday (she was right). I have specific instructions on what it should eat for lunch (2 carrots) and that it should “try” to poop this afternoon. It is OK if it cannot poop; it just needs to try. I also need to apply sunblock if I take it outside to play. The zebra’s name is Kayla Purple Sparkle. It is neither purple, nor sparkly. I’m calling it Kay.

  121. I’m wearing yoga pants today because I taught yoga this morning and will be teaching it again for 2 hours this evening. There aren’t any pockets and if there were I’d wonder what a yoga teacher/participant could possibly need to carry that close to their body and still conceal it!? I mean, seriously, there’s no space to hide anything in these things!

  122. I don’t have anything in my pockets, but in a desk drawer near where I’m sitting, there are a couple bomb racks with attached bombs that are supposed to go on my dad’s model plane. For the record, they aren’t real bombs. At least I think they aren’t. I’ve never dropped them to check.

  123. Let’s see. A friend’s keys, a parking pass for said friend’s condo lot. A Swiss army knife (don’t leave home without it!) A rosary and an outdated university ID card. That’s my weird.

  124. Nothing terribly interesting on me today, cell, wallet, pocket knife\money clip, utili-key, ‘Pressy’ button for the cell, flash drive, mini-maglite, keys, server room key and building fob for our Atlanta office (going down to do some work there tomorrow), zippo and smokes (yes, I know it’s bad for me). My desk has a Lego Darth Vader clock, vinyl K-9 on top of my workstation, basketball, MODOK mug, Jeopardy desk calendar and pics of the new wife and the dog. Pretty boring.

  125. My desk doesn’t have drawers, but I have a large LEGO MINI Cooper that I built that holds a rubber chicken called “Eggs” & a small pig called “Ham” and right next to that is a tiny bottle of cinnamon whiskey that my mother brought into my office.

  126. My desk drawer currently contains approximately 3076 discarded paper clips, a plush owl keyring with one wing that always points straight up like he’s waving hello, two clear plastic houseflies (I don’t even know, so don’t ask), and about a dozen sheets of used carbon paper that I’ve been keeping “just in case”.

    I can’t speak for the houseflies, but the owl and I send our best wishes to you.

  127. I work for a company that gives amazing names to our projects. Yesterday, I was at a meeting for Project Ninja Kitten. Today, I’m flying home with my ninja kitten t-shirt. This is why I love my job.

  128. I’m at work and have 4 colouring books, two sets of markers, two boxes of crayons, a novel that I am editing. I work as QC is a steel mill…I have a lot of free time. I used to have a squrriel that I stuffed on my desk but now I share a desk so I had to take him back home. Apparently it was creepy

  129. A “stress soother” aromatherapy stick. The directions say to apply it to your pulse points. I’m never actually sure what those are, so I apply a little of it to the back of my index finger and try to rub it discreetly on my nose. It looks like I’m sniffing coke all day long. Considering that my knees are really creaky and that I move like the Mrs. Wiggins character on the Carol Burnet Show, I find this just hilarious.

  131. Enough crumpled receipts to make it around the world twice. and a tiny itty bitty naked plastic baby from a baby shower.

  133. Two blue marbles that my daughter gave me years ago so I could prove to people that I haven’t lost my marbles.

  134. oh man, i have so much shit in my office: two rubber duckies, a rooster mug, tattoo bandaids, over 100 lego minifigures, plastic dinosaurs that look like they are trying to eat my plants, a metal snake made out of a bicycle chain, rocks, rubble from three rivers stadium, broken jewelry, i knife shaped like a shotgun shell, a tiny stuffed bear dressed in fishnets and cut clothing (souvenir from rocky horror show), jesus mints, canadian money, a bundle of sage, buttons that say “i eat tacos” and “i eat burritos” (given away at the pride parade this past sunday), toothbrush and toothpaste, a mug with a dragon in the bottom, a ball filled with glitter, a photo of an elephant baby, mini tequila and vodka bottles, two little bottles of bubbles (they help with rough days), a glass squirrel figurine, christmas wrapping paper, a baseball bat, a teenage mutant ninja turtle stuffed doll, and a whole bunch of other shit. for a tiny office (9′ x 12′), i kinda have a lot of stuffs. none of it is weird, though.

  135. Paper soap. For when there isn’t any soap in public bathrooms. And I’m happy to share. Because my paper soap dispenses like gum, so there’s no actual sharing of the soap papers. Which is way better than sharing germs, but perhaps not as good as not sharing germs. I don’t know. I’d need a chart to figure that one out.

  136. i’ve a 103 year old pocketwatch that chimes the hour and quarter hour.

  137. In my purse, three blue balloons (not inflated and ready for a party) and five pairs of wooden chopsticks, On my desk, a one eyed chicken stress ball, aptly named Popcorn. She lost her eye on a particularly stressful day and I was never able to find it. The White-out and Sharpie prosthesis eye is very unbecoming and we are considering a teeny tiny eye patch.

  138. I just dug through my purse… I have a plethora of receipts that I should throw away, diet pils because I try to be a fad dieter and fail, $1 that I found in the washer and claimed as mine that I hadn’t put in my wallet yet, XANAX, lotion, dog poop bags, (empty unused ones), a bracelet that my kid made me, various chapstick type products, and a red heart shaped runt (you know, the Willy Wonka candy, Runts).

  139. My office is full of random shit…. I have a pool noodle horse, a magic 8 ball, a solar powered dancing scarecrow, my kids’ art work, my dog and her toys (yup I get to take my dog to work and I do not work from home), and other really really random shit.

  140. I have a tape measure, for those days when I feel all fat, and don’t want to try on pants, I just measure them and know that it’s not worth the heartache.

  141. Weirdest thing in my purse — An unopened pregnancy test (I’m 44. One of these days I’ll just accept that my skipped periods are perimenopause. . . )

    In my work bag I have a box of Splat Aqua Rush semi-permanent hair dye.

  142. Desk drawer has plastic spoons, batteries (not sure if dead or useable), erasers for mechanical pencil, & some used post-it notes I might need someday; which thinking about is probably the weirdest thing.

  143. More often than not there are chicken wings in my purse. Sometimes garlic toast. There is also a flask, extra set of darts, tylenol, pepto bismol, dental floss and a sewing kit. Pockets are for sandwiches though. sandwiches are not purse food.

  144. Hmmm in my purse I have an epipen, but no actual pens. I also have at least three small dinosaur toys and/or random small metal cars and an abundance of crumbs. Lots of old tickets, receipts, used kleenex (eww), lots of tiny bandaids, but none it the size we ever actually need, etc… Probably way too many pockets in this bag because I certainly can’t find the lip balm I know I put in here….

  146. OMG. What was I thinking. Weirdest thing I have here at work: the ceramic flying pig! For when you say to someone: “When pigs fly” of course.

  147. Jen

    I have a question about Audio book recording, If Furiously Happy is as funny as your first book, do you find the Engineer’s cracking up distracting? Are the panel’s waterproof so they don’t short out when the Engineer cries?

    Seriously I kept my husband up because the bed was shaking when I read your first book. The friend who got me to read it and I are trying to figure out how far in advance we should start camping out for your Bay Area reading date. I suggested we start as soon as it was announced. She thought 5 months was maybe too soon.

    Do you think if we set up stuffed Racoons in camp chairs they could hold our place?

  148. I have a little black bag folded up in my purse promoting “Go set a Watchman” , nasal decongestant, pen, a highlighter for some unknown reason and winter gloves… which isn’t unusual except its the middle of June in Texas. Remember “Let’s make a Deal?”

  149. Currently I have no pockets because I am wearing pyjamas (why don’t pyjamas have pockets?) but when I was wearing actual clothes the only thing I had in my pockets was a small stone model camel. Technically I believe it is a dromedary. I call him Cesar. I bought him in Lanzarote and I hold him and feel his smooth sides and his corners when I’m feeling anxious or sad. Today was very much a camel-clutching day.

  150. Addendum: you can’t have Cesar the Lanzarote Fidget Camel. Sorry, but I need him. You will have to get your own camel.

  151. Aw, none of my stuff is weird… though, I do have a plastic My Little Pony (80s design) Lollypop Spinner on my work desk. It’s apparently a real Hasbro creation, but it looked so cheap and shoddy – It had such a sad off-center stamp on its haunch, and a receding hairline so that yes, a giant lollipop could be shoved into its skull like a unicorn horn – that I had to rescue it. I braided it’s hair, painted a hearts-and-gears design on its butt and forehead, and now it is my faithful work companion, Robo-Pony. I’m no MLP modder, but she looks much better now. She will surely come to your aid if you need her!

    She has also served as a terrible, terrible tease for many infant children of coworkers when they visit the office. I never took the lollipop out.

  152. When I was in highschool, my mom has a friend who was a denturist (makes false teeth for people, denturist I think, right?) and he made my mom a little pink ball out of some of the materials that are normally used to make impressions of people’s gums. It was a walnut-sized ball and he’d carefully written on it with a Sharpie:  “A Round Tooit.” He told her that now she can never say “I’m sorry, I’ve never gotten around to it” because she had. Gotten a Round Tooit.  It was in our junk drawer in the kitchen for many years. I wonder if it is still there?

  153. For the longest time I had a pair of my toddler’s undies in my purse. It was from a weekend outing where I didn’t want to bring an entire second bag of stuff in case she had an accident…then I just forgot to remove them from the inside pocket and ended up carrying them with me for about a month. Other than that just your every day half a pair of earrings, mints that’ve all fallen out of their case and a straw paper wrapper. And a mini flashlight. Cause you never know when there will be a mini blackout…

  154. I have absolutely nothing unusual in my purse. Pills in baggies, a clean pair of underwear, shells from the beach, toothbrush (paste and floss), hand sanitizer, Listerine breath strips, band-aid, sunscreen, makeup, nail clippers, emery board, brush, a spoon, camera, phone, wallet, lotto ticket, coupons, old receipts, kleenex, checkbook, grocery bag, pencil, pen, notebook, a script, keys, safety pins, a picture of my daughter in her wedding dress, chocolate covered raisins, a lock and key, and “Just-A-Drop”. I think that’s it. Pretty normal stuff. Right?

  155. I office in the same center as a vet clinic and occasionally I will see an escapee running across the parking lot followed by their parents with a vet tech or two running closely behind them. So, my desk always sports a small can of cat food – I’ve never met a dog that won’t stop in mid-sprint for the opportunity to dip their nose in the cat food.

  156. I carry a basket instead of a bag when I don’t have pockets, in it is four and a half pair fingerless mitts, a bag with leftover yarn balls, dried lavender stems bundled in linen, the beginning of the last missing mitt currently being knitted, and a single curtain panel to be cut and re sewn into a pair of curtains for a friend. I’d send you a pair of beautiful hand knit wool mitts but I don’t know where to send them, and it’s summer anyway.

  157. The weirdest thing I have on me right now is birth control pills named Portia. Of all the names for a medication they went with the one that makes me think of spoiled rich girls.

  158. Because I just set up a wedding cake on Sunday, I have the following in my bag: 2 clean pairs of disposal plastic gloves, a bag of gold dragees, a bag with extra frosting decorating tips, and an empty packet of those little teeth cleaning picks ( I had to break off the brush end so I could use the plastic end as tooth picks to hold a few sugarpaste flowers in place….because I forgot the toothpicks)

  159. An empty pop-tart box in my desk. It’s been in there for about a year because I didn’t want the office cleaning people judging me when they see the empty pop-tart box in the trash and think I ate them all by myself (which, of course, I did).

  160. My “desk” (aka bedstand, ’cause I work from home and refuse to sit at a desk) is full of bills, diet diaries, ibuprofen, assorted pens, a manicure kit, matches, eye drops, a tape measure, ear buds, dog treats, dental floss, chapstick and a ziplock baggie of probably dead AA batteries (because….who knows?) — and my copy of Let’s Pretend This Never Happened, of course!

    And, Kathleen, commenter 13 — hahahahahahaha. Perfect.

  161. Jenny, you’re the most adroit, jocular, effulgent Texan recording an audio book about Chlamydia and koalas in New York today. You’re #1! Best in Class!

    Well my pockets are empty but my desk is a collection of oddities.
    A stapler shaped like a fish and staple remover shaped like an alligator. Left to me by the previous cubicle tenant.
    3 sage grouse feathers.
    Some weird colored rocks.
    1 pine cone (single leaf pinyon.)
    1 bumblebee named George (died of natural causes.)
    2 jars of Temnothorax ants in ethanol (did not die of natural causes but I figure drowning in booze isn’t the worst way to go.)
    A Zamioculcas plant.
    Several lumps of dried moss (Orthotrichum.)
    An assortment of dried and flattened wild buckwheat (Eriogonum) specimens.
    A small bag of soil.
    A bag of cat litter and a box of coffee filters (for collecting leaf samples, not for brewing weird coffee.)

  162. Um… ink and balloons. Why that combo? Um… I have no idea. But you’re welcome to them! Ink and balloons, right? Right.

    Right.

  164. I have a dino skeleton shot glass, a tofu bunny, a dead person pen holder (fake), a hot/cold pack, a sticky rubber chicken, a stuffed parrot, and an iphone charger on my desk . I don’t want my computer to get lonely.

  165. I have a total of 6 pictures on my desk. 5 are of my family and the sixth is a picture of me talking to Neil Patrick Harris when he did a book signing in Boston last year. On the closet doors next to my desk, I have the two best targets from when I went shooting handguns for the first time.

  166. In my purse: Probably the Dry Eye Questionnaire I got at the eye doctor’s last week. (That or the extremely strong probiotic…which, by the way, doesn’t seem to be helping much.)

  167. In my purse? Oh CRAP! A razor knife from last weeks wallpaper adventure- MUST remove that before Court tomorrow, and no you can’t have it. I would gladly send you the tiny Revlon Box of Files that Always looks like Box of Flies if you want. Thanks for keeping me out of Jail!!!

  168. Enjoy NY and happy recording! I’m sure it is grueling, but so exciting.

    I have nothing in my pockets, but my purse is full of tampons. Piles and piles of tampons. Which tells you how MY day is going. 😀

    Enjoy audiobooking!

  170. In my cross-body bag, bought special for post-surgery packing around of the essentials, three prescription bottles, pen, notecards with records of what I took when; phone and Kindle (the Kindle tried to escape yesterday by hiding behind my bed and I’m on crutches but we found it and fetched it with grabbers designed to help you put your pants on and I’m never letting it go again, my precioussss); $27 because you never know; and typically my MacBookAir unless I’m using it. If the computer’s not in there I use it to transport food from room to room, because snacks.

  171. I was just out picking my horse’s hoofs (hooves? Feet) and one of the rocks I picked out was an interesting shape. No, I’m not going to describe it, but you can have it if you want it.

  175. A bag of rice…because I dropped my phone in the toilet yesterday.

  176. Two Lego figurines (Medusa and some sort of bee woman), skull-shaped ear buds, and a stick of Great Yarmouth rock candy.

  177. In my desk drawers I have a rubber snake and the foot of a rubber lizard (courtesy of my grandchildren), and also a Tic Tac container full of fingernails. It’s a long story.

  178. I carry a 10th Doctor sonic screwdriver in my bag, along with a set of mini dice, mini deck of cards. You can never be too prepared.

  179. Very, very old Russian tea and a package of Quaker instant oatmeal.

  180. I have 20 lbs or copper in an ice cream tub and two plastic forks. I think I should minimize the size of my purse because this is obviously a sign that I’ve lost control of my life.

  181. ALL of The Avengers bobble heads because you never know when something will need avenged. Plus a Smaug. Because GOLD. Also I’m 37. I swear.

  182. Uh…it’s afternoon and I’m still in my pajamas. No pockets. Hold on, let me get my purse…a receipt from Home Depot, where I recently bought pink blueberries. Pink. Blueberries. It was the only blueberry plants they had left, because I’m a slacker. I had to ask this idiotic question: “Excuse me, do you have any blueberries that aren’t pink?” only to be told no, and that to plant blueberries this late was basically herbicide. I bought the goddamn pink blueberries because my goddamn family wanted a goddamn berry patch. Thanks for reminding me-I need to water them like, NOW.

  183. my best friend has 5 kids and when they were young we ran a restaurant together. so we were always picking up shit before we opened. we passed a coffee shop on the way to work and if our collection was odd enough we’d get a free cup of coffee. right now my pocket is full of sugar snap peas from my garden because i picked them and then went off to run errands and forgot to put them away.

  184. I have some pocket lint, Neospirin, a broken eyeliner, 43 cents, a prepaid Visa gift card with $13.56 left on it, dog treat crumbs and a small plastic dragon.

  185. My purse is boring. The oddest thing I have is a minion-shaped thumb drive. My desk detritus is much more interesting. My treasures include a rhinestone tiara, 11 Minion figurines, a magic 8-ball, a moo-ing mini flashlight, and a candy cane reindeer from 1998.

  186. In my purse I currently have have 2 Doc McStuffins pull-ups (size 3T-4T), several broken crayons, a pack of peanut butter crackers, my wallet, a couple “sanitary napkins”, several keys that I’ve never used because I don’t know what they go to and I’m too afraid to throw them out, some rocks, some dried flowers, a small bag of dog treats, 18 months’ worth of receipts for Target, and a copy of “The Book Thief.”

    Let me know what you need and I’ll run by the post office this afternoon on my way back from Target.

  189. I have a snack sized sip lock bag of South African money left over from my trip in December that I need to take back to the bank to get exchanged back into US dollars… but I have been procrastinating because the only bank in town that does this employs a guy that I know whom I think is a douche canoe, and I avoid talking to… literally at all costs. Also, its on the other side of town and I never drive over there for anything else. Also, I’m lazy.

  190. Here goes: Glue sticks, 6 nail polishes, reindeer antlers, a letter I wrote to my Granny in 1979 and I found it in her purse when she died; a dead cell phone; a dead camera; lots of cords and things that I have NO idea what they went with; and best of all, a handmade birthday card that was not made FOR me, or BY any of my kids; no idea where it came from or who it was supposed to go to.

  191. currently the weirdest thing in my purse is a dog tooth. My senior dog is losing his teeth, and i found one on my way out the door one day…

  192. I am so crazy excited about you recording this book. I was a fan of your blog but it really sealed the deal when I listened to your book on audio. So excited to listen to this one!!

  193. A lightbulb (because the light is out in another room), a toothbrush and toothpaste, a Brazil CD, 2 dragons, and a black, napping, kitty.

  195. In my front pocket I have 3 old Cheerios, a rose petal, a zip tie and 2 gum wrappers. All picked up off the floor at work today. Can’t wait to see the surprises tomorrow brings.

  196. Everything. I have EVERYTHING. I like to be Prepared. String. Flashlight. Bandaids. paracetemol. Screwdriver set. Pocket knife. Mirror. Eye drops. Dental floss. Lighter. marker pen. notebook. Breath mints. Tape measure. Buttons. USB sticks. Lady Supplies. Chargers. headphones. 3 spindles, a spinning bowl and some fibre, because there might be a Spinning Emergency. Seriously. If the Zombie Apocalypse happens and you need to set some zombies on fire, come find me. (Note that this is the slimmed down version of what I USED to carry with me. My handbag used to weight about 10 pounds.

  198. Am sitting here smiling imagining you speaking your booky words and I just can’t wait for them to arrive here. Good luck with all the reading aloud: story time for the boys always puts ME to sleep…

  199. I have a Mini vodka from Iceland, Stroopwafels from Amsterdamn, a homemade stuffed monkey with glasses and steak spice? I feel like I need to take some things home….

  201. A lot of poison ivy/oak which is really not the kind of gift anyone wants…can’t wait to hear the new
    Book!

  202. I’ve got a straw – mint in original paper wrapper – in my purse. I hoard spare fast food napkins and straws in my car, and brought this one to a baseball game last night because I KNEW it would be one of those places that won’t let you have one. (Go figure, I opted for a bottled drink instead.) I would be happy to send it to you upon request! It’s a nice straw.

  203. If it makes you feel better I had this horrible GI thing all weekend and woke up in my own poop. ANYTHING is better than that.

  204. Matching forearm bruises that I don’t know how I got. You’re welcome to them, but I bet you don’t want them. No really, how did I do that?

    I await your book with bated (not baited) breath. (Baited breath is another thing you don’t want.)

  205. This may or may not be weird and it no longer resides in our home. We have a 16 year old with high functioning autism. He would not let us discuss the birds and bees with him, so we bought him a couple of books explaining about what 16 year old boys could expect to happen to their bodies and what they would want to do. After reading the book on masturbation, he apparently thought this would be a fun thing to try, but didn’t understand what to do with the results. I had bought him a stuffed animal monkey a few years ago and he got the idea that if he tore a hole in the back, it would be a good substitute for a blow up doll.so for a while, we had a monkey with a torn seam and my discarded grandchildren inside. His aide figured out what he was doing and I immediately got rid of the monkey and explained how to properly dispose of such things. But we left for vacation before that conversation, so for about a week, the violated monkey resided in my youngest son’s closet until I got home. When I told my dad, he said, “Well, sometimes 16 year old boys just have to spank their monkey.” Thank God this is our last child. I don’t think I could handle another monkey conversation.

  206. Nothing in my pockets but a pug with a hacking cough constantly by my side. Good thoughts to you!

  207. Comb shaped like dinosaur skeleton head, stretch belt, uncashed check

  208. Not unlike Anonymous #27, I also have a minion and a T.A.R.D.I.S. on my desk. And I used to have a voodoo doll and some vodka in my desk, but I took them both home one day, unused.

  209. Umm… lint? A few pills (OTC stuff) that escaped from my little pocket pillbox? A miniature Vaseline container for my lips that one time the cap came off in my pocket and I stuck my finger in it? A flosspick that likes to jam its point under my fingernail when I fumble around for other things? Lots of other, much less interesting but just as functional stuff.

    I’ve always carried around way too much stuff in my pockets, ever since I was a little kid. For years I even always had a waist pack to hold all the junk. I’ve tried to cut down in the last few years and no longer wear a waist pack everywhere, but cargo pants with a plethora of pockets both help and hinder that endeavor.

  210. I have a pair of vise grips and a screwdriver with interchangeable bits in my purse. Along with some pheromone perfume from Passion Parties. Then the usual nonsense us women carry around.

  211. Oh, yeah, I also have a ring (like you wear on your finger, only this one is a little too big for me) that is a bottle opener. Handy, but less so when you have to put it on your key ring because it slips off your finger too easily. (One size fits few.)

  212. No desk, no purse, no pocketses. I have a scrunchie in my cleavage in case my hair drives me crazy.
    meow meow meow

  213. Honestly, the best thing Wil Wheaton ever did for me was send me to your blog.

  215. Megan #171, thanks for making me laugh so hard I couldn’t finish reading aloud to my friend and had to keep stopping and catching my breath!

  216. Red dalek white dalek companion cube weighted storage cube (and a murano paperweight, puzzle ball, amd rubbery puzzle ball thing). Used to be a guy with a few trebuchets though i never figured out how he got them into work.

  217. I have lots of good stuff in my drawers but my absolute favorite thing is a little battery operated hand held curse box called The Final Word. You push a button and you get either- You’re an Asshole, Fucking Jerk, Eat Shit or Fuck You. You know for when you’re too lazy to do your own cursing.

  218. I don’t have a purse on me and am still wearing my jammies at 4:30pm. I’ve convinced myself my jammies look like a t-shirt dress and I can get away with wearing them all day. No one is going to notice, right? Now if I could just figure out a way that no one would notice my uncombed hair and unwashed face I could go out shopping with just a pair of flip flops on my feet and my beautiful t-shirt dress.

  220. I would love a tiny dinosaur. I would teach her to hide in the bushes and jump out at people who let their dog poop in my yard, and don’t pick it up.

    In my pockets I have my wallet and keys, a pen from Disney’s Club 33, 6 alcohol wipes, 4 fresh hearing aid batteries and 2 dead ones, a bottle of black nail polish, my Kindle, and a jar of Yank Sing Chili Pepper sauce.

  221. Lots and lots of dog hair. But considering you have cats, you probably don’t need any more animal hair.

  222. No pockets, no purse, I travel light. But…I want to say Thank You! for recording your books. I am losing my eyesight and they give me something to look forward to. Seriously.

  224. I don’t have anything weird really but I have a lavender perfume stick, lavender lotion that will make you smell pretty and help keep you calm maybe. I am looking forward to seeing you in Seattle this November!

  225. In my hand right now is my “ethnicity estimate” from ancestry.com. 71 % Irish, 23 % Great Britain. No Viking. I am so disappointed.

  226. The weirdest thing I found in a drawer was my umbilical cord stump. My mom had saved it with other baby keep sakes. It freaked me out. I asked her to throw it away. Not sure if she did…

  228. Bright yellow lip gloss (found in the bottom of my gym bag, TBH I don’t even remember buying it. Is someone putting random cosmetics in my gym bag? Probably. Is it aliens? Very probably), let’s go to a rave!

  230. After skimming through the lists, I realize I have the most boring home computer desk. Ever. But you’re welcome to my old tax returns, nail file and the box that came with the mp3 player I got in 2005. Oh, and I do have an adult coloring book and paperclip holder that looks like Mickey Mouse’s pants (why just his pants???), so there’s always that.

  232. I keep a colouring book and crayons in my desk drawer. Just in case . . . And also extra catnip.

  233. Dammit. Nothing in my pockets. But I have a nice glass of pinot noir and a handful of M&Ms. You can have some.

  234. I’ve got a 10 year old on my left side doing my hair. My 1 year old pulling the back hairs. Nothing in my pockets. I’m boring. I do have extra girl scout cookies if you need some.

  235. I found a couple of lifesavers in the pockets of my capris today. I last wore them on Saturday. I ate the lifesavers.

    Also, I think if you have children you can’t play this game, because kids make you schlepp weird crap around. I have a happy meal toy in my purse right now. I also have a pocketknife and a multitool, neither of which are kid-related.

  236. i love ya babe, but you can’t have my debit card. You can have the gas receipt tho – I got $0.20 off a gallon 😉

  237. I have a packet of Cosmos seeds on my desk. Want to plant your own universe?

  239. I only have 38 cents and a gum wrapper- nothing too dramatic.
    If you start to feel lonely, I am willing to go stand outside in hopes you are a loud talker and maybe I’ll be able to hear you here in upstate NY.

  240. I just dropped a pretzel stick into my husband’s gym bag. Accidently. Then I left it there to give him a little thrill of curiousity when he finds it. The small joys of middle age.

  241. I have a pen behind my ear and I just found something resembling navel lint in my pants pocket. I am now going to wash my hands. In the meantime, I send you love, hugs, and here’s to getting a free bag of cheetos from the vending machine.

  244. Don’t worry, it’s just gas making the universe expand. GasX or Beano should do the trick. Then you won’t be Brachiasaurus size. You will merely be the size of a brontosaurus, which is what they were called in the olden- pregas days.

  245. In my purse(Green Bay Packers purse), right now, I have a Domo coin purse, 10’s Sonic Screwdriver, a tiny Weeping Angel, a wooden prayer bracelet blessed by a monk, a TARDIS wallet, a bobby whistle, 6 pens, 3 lip gloss, and a partridge in a pear tree.

  248. Today while emptying my pockets in search of coffee money, I dropped a tiny zip tie left over from last night’s fit of trying to manage the cords that stick out of my wall and into various electronic devices. What that shit manages to do under my bed to get that tangled up, I will never know. Because I am a very sound sleeper. One of the interns asked my what the tiny zip tie was for. “Smurf bondage,” I replied.

    I heard later that this was her last day. But I’m pretty sure it was always supposed to be.

    It was meant to be my inside voice. MY INSIDE VOICE.

    One more step on the way to becoming a little old lady who totally doesn’t give a shit what people think.

  249. Small bottle of syrup because I have a pancake problem and I like to always be prepared should someone present me with pancakes.

  250. On my work desk I have a small crocheted turtle, several small toys, a crap-load of paper clips and a small-sized metal chicken that will cut you! (knock-knock)

  251. Damn, almost forgot. Random Compliment: You. Are. Awesome. (Yes. Really. Random and Sincere are not mutually exclusive.) Also, your taste in taxidermy is impeccable. As for those kittens, please send me your address. Quickly. I want to get them to you while they’re still fresh.

  252. let’s see, in my purse, in addition to regular wallet-keys-pen-notebook, I have a small plastic Doberman, a paracord bracelet, a St. Christopher medal with a car on it, a rosary, a pill box of Ibuprophen, nail clippers, and a Vietnam war era Zippo from somebody who served at Chu-Chi (or so it’s engraved).

    Oh. And while you’re in New York? Get some bagels.

  253. I have a smallish ant that may or may not be a carpenter ant in a small glass vial ready for identification by experts.

  256. I am an art teacher so my purse contains random from the classroom: 3 hot glue sticks (but no hot glue gun), masking tape, sticky tac, 3 half full vials of glitter (silver, blue, orange), 2 small paint brushes, a few pens, erasers (but no pencils), and post-it’s.

    I must confess that I have purposely kept the glitter vials in my purse because (even though I hate using glitter) it makes me happy to find a vial of glitter in my purse when I am rummaging through my purse on a bad day. I recommend that everyone should keep glitter in your purse for happiness emergencies!

  258. All I’ve got are fig newtons, but I’m okay with sharing a couple. Only a couple, though, ’cause fig newtons.

  259. No unusual stuff here!
    My pockets are empty, my handbag carries my purse and sunglasses and desk just has notebooks and a shit ton of pens. I feel so boring. xo

  260. I used to have a ball of my dog’s fur in my drawer. It was pretty heavy and prickly, disgusting yet fun at the same time. Its great if you want to have a painful game of throw which might leave some people with rashes if they are allergic to dogs.

  261. Just found doggy poo bags in my pants pocket (unused – promise. I’m not that weird…or gross) and in my desk drawer is a bottle of lube that my friend/co-worker covertly gave me three weeks ago to try out and have since completely forgotten about until now…god, I hope no one has gone snooping around in my drawers (shameless pun).

  262. I have a tiny doll statue that looks like a horror movie in my wallet because my grandmother said to keep it on me as it’s a good luck charm. All it’s done for me is make me look mentally unstable when I buy stuff and the sales assistant see’s it.

  263. A portable blacklight (in my desk), used recently to illuminate a Peep diorama of a strip club (peep show, ha!) for an art contest at work. Looking forward to the audio book!

  264. Half of a chocolate covered marshmallow, Ricola cough drops, the take-out menu to Pizza Orgasmica in San Francisco (I live in Switzerland now), a piece of wood mulch that my son thought was pretty, and a rock he is convinced has diamonds in it.

  265. I have 847 keys in my desk that no one, including me, knows what rooms, desks, cabinets, file drawers, etc. that they open. I also have a plastic football, a dancing windup toy, a Christmas stocking, one 39 cent stamp, and a coupon for 20% off at Turtles Records which went out of business in 1989. You are welcome to all these treasures. Hold them dear, keep them safe and tell no one from whence they came.

  266. I have a Vox Night Train Amplug in my pocket, it arrived in the mail today.

  267. I have a Vox Night Train Amplug in my pocket, it arrived today in the mail.

  268. A plastic skull acting as a pen holder. Also a belt of bullet casings around the base of my monitor

  269. So actually it’s two companion cubes…you’d think one would remember what they look at every day….

  270. Just books. Maybe not IN my purse, but beside it in the car, where I keep my purse. One for me, one for my friend, one to go to the used bookstore, etc. BTW, I read Empty Mansions on your recommendation and loved it!

  271. Good luck with the audio book! I absolutely adore your narration of your first book, and will get the new one in Audible as soon as it’s available.

    In the pockets of my hoodie right now, I have two used bus tickets, my work phone, a gum wrapper, half a pack of tissues, some keys and a chapstick.

  272. Okay, so it isn’t right now, but just recently, I had my grandmother’s ashes in my purse. She died two years ago.
    I actually hadn’t been carrying them around for two years. Only about a month or two. I had taken them to a cemetery to sprinkle a few in a special place and then forgotten I had the little sack of them in my purse. Imagine my surprise as I was digging for change at the grocery store when I stumbled across them. It was a little awkward.

  273. i haven’t got pockets right now, i’m still in my pajamas. i’ve walked the puppy twice already and am almost finished with my coffee. my purse is actually quite appropriate and i’m a bit disappointed in myself. i have the typical stuff – wallet, business cards, pen, work keys, hair brush, lip balm, hand sanitizer, and a makeup bag with a at least three lipliners i won’t use, one that i will, and five matte lipsticks, two of which i don’t like. and also a pink folding knife. it’s like 4″ long and i’ll cut a bitch if i need to.

    i love my purse, it’s fairly new – a graduation present to myself – and it’s a white and navy coach.

  274. I just came from working out, so I have nothing in my pockets (and very little material actually covering my body). I am sitting about twelve inches away from a jar of Nutella, though. I’ll share it with you, because I love you more than my luggage.

  275. My desk is the desk of a hypochondiac girl scout. Need meds? Band-aids? Nystatin cream? Antiobiotic oitment? Emergency snacks in case of a hurricaine (yes, really)? I have it all. The only weird thing is the fingerless gloves I guess, because it is ALWAYS winter in my office.

  276. I love how real you are. I love how you put all of you out there for everyone else, so that everyone feels better about whatever we’re struggling with because no matter what it is, we’re not alone. You continually inspire me. and I adore your audio books, so thank you for reading them yourself!!!! It’s like rainbow sprinkles on icing on a cupcake! : )

  277. I have a brown paper lunch bag about 2 inches full of keys that have no home; I would be happy to send them to you. I also have some mementos my old co-worker got in Hawaii on her honeymoon (30 years ago?). She hasn’t worked here in 4 years, and was divorced about 5 years ago, so I think they’re free to a good home. I also have various disconnected office machinery if you think that would help 🙂 My office is the place things go to die in obscurity, apparently.

  278. Omg I completely forgot about those chocolates!!! Yessss…there is no expiration date on chocolate right?

  279. I have a mystery flavor DumDum in my purse that I confiscated at Mother’s Day brunch when one of my kids tried to sneak a second one. It’s all yours. But fair warning, it might be banana flavored or something.

  282. I’ve got cocoa almonds, Goldfish and a PBJ in my lunch bag that I’d happily give up for a signed copy of your book.

  283. I have one fourth of a heart…locket that four best friends decided to keep at the end of school. I wonder if the other three still have it.

    And a good luck stone thingy? that’s made of turqoise and you can totally have it…but it’s kind of phallic shaped.

    Good luck and hugs 🙂

  284. Found a sealed morphine nail (dropper)in my purse this morning when I was looking for a hair scrunchy. Just the sealed nail, no morphine, damn it. I have never, ever used morphine. My purse seems to have a magic portal into a hospital supply cabinet. Totally clueless. Had to ask someone to identify it for me. Not kidding, not even a little bit. I believe my purse may be possessed.

  285. Happy for you! And sending positive thoughts (and energy) your way!

    I have nothing in my pockets except lint and receipts. I just don’t have the stamp to mail them.

  287. I think the weirdest thing in my purse at the moment would be the blue rubber cow. I don’t know where he came from and my kids claim they don’t know either but he’s been in there a while and now we’re besties.

  288. I have about a dozen receipts for various things that I don’t even know the location of, airplane peanuts and a protein bar (hello hypoglycemia), assorted business cards, hair accoutrements, a bill for an MRI, mints, makeup, my passport and an unused tourniquet – which I always have on me. I live in CO, what more do I need to say?

  289. I’m in front of my computer in my babydoll pajamas and the only other thing on me right now is a slather of hydrocortisone because there’s a mosquito in the room and I’m too lazy to look for it.

  290. Well, I have a bottle of vodka in my desk drawer. My boss gave it to me the other day. (My company rocks!) But, sorry, I’m not sending it to you. Good luck!

  291. In my desk drawers, I have mints, tea bags, ramen noodle cups, potato chips, peanut butter crackers, two sweaters (one black & one brown, so I can be warm no matter what I wear to work), and a nerf gun (for emergency stress release, obviously). Of course I also have work, office supplies etc, but what fun is that?

  292. I think you’d get a kick out of my desk. I have an assortment of toys (rubber duckies, plastic dinosaurs, a fake stuffed bird named Zoltan, etc), dragon, owl and robot stickers and an emu egg nestled in cotton in a 64 oz Mountain Dew cup. You’re welcome to any and all of them, along with this random compliment:

    I think it’s really neat that you’re reading your own book for the audio recording. I love it when authors do that.

  293. Last night I couldn’t find something in my purse and had to go spelunking. I found $60 in two separate envelopes that I didn’t remember were in there! Wishing you that sort of a day. Remember to breathe, both directions. 🙂

  294. I have a bunch of inspirational mini posters on my office wall from Happy Mail. Here’s what they say so you can enjoy them too: get to work, positive vibes only, dream bigger, get it girl. I also have like 10,000 envelopes – you want I should send you some?

  295. In my bag today, I’ve got a Terry Pratchett book (Raising Steam, if you care), an Alphasmart Dana (a small single function word processor) and an egg timer shaped like an owl

  297. I have a toy stuffed squirrel “puppet” on my desk. What makes it a puppet is that it has a hole at the base of its tail that you can put your finger in, so it’s like you’re giving your furry friend a rectal exam. What makes it weirder/creepier it that it was “swag” from a Flora & Ulysses book launch event.

  298. Here on my desk, I have a tiny voodoo doll that an awesome co-worker hand-sewed for me. It’s basically a sack with tiny black bead eyes and rickrack hair, and for reasons unknown to me, is holding a tiny wooden fish in it’s mouth. I have thumbtacks in my drawer that I can stick into it whenever the work day gets shitty.

  299. I have receipts, my wallet, a compact, white out, a glue stick, gum, chapstick, 8 pounds of loose change, a card good for one free cookie at every visit to albertsons (for the kids….sure), Ginger twist tea bag (never seen the tea before. how did it get there?), earpods, a highlighter, kleenex, anti-anxiety meds, an inhaler, 2 prescriptions for my kids, an Itunes gift card for my husband, Craisins (don’t know how they got in there either?), pens, pencils, sunglasses, eyeglass cleaner wipes, eyedrops, hey, another glue stick! I think it’s time to clean this damn thing out. This is seriously like Hoarders: Purse edition.

  301. A Safariland handcuff key. Because you never know when you might need to suddenly be on the lam from the law.

    Also my dad’s California fishing license for 1975, including the Ocean Waters and Taking of Frogs sticker ($4.00) and the Inland Waters ($2.00) and the Trout & Salmon ($3.00) stickers.

    Because sentimental.

  302. I have 14 different open packs of gum because I’m afraid of commitment and a full size bottle of sriracha in case of emergency.

  303. Not sure if anyone has offered you a hit of an asthma inhaler or random hair ties. You can always use/borrow the 2 Swiss Army knives I carry… One even has a saw blade if you need to cut down a branch to beat stupid people. Good (or not so much) for when you are feeling stabby, too!

  304. The weirdest thing on me right now is fat. It has no place under my skin,

    I have explicitly told it to go away (on numerous occasions mind you) but it is still here!

  305. I keep a beautiful very tiny diecast model car (1/87 HO scale, well under 2 inches) with me at all times. My favorite is a 1955 300SL Gullwing.

  306. My pockets are empty because girl pockets. But I am hooked up to a nipple torture device (aka breast pump) so that’s a thing, right?

  308. I have posted on my cubicle wall the receipt for a bathroom in Russia where I paid 20 rubles, and an ad from a London paper which says, “Lost the perk-in your gherkin?” It is for erectile dysfunction.

  309. I have two rolls of double sided tape, one panda with really hideous green hair, a half-eaten weightloss bar, and a fully eaten brownie wrapper. And my lucky, creepy little baby doll.

  310. I have a stress ball-type thing that’s call Stress Paul. It’s a purple man (presumably Paul) in the fetal position made of memory foam that you can squish when you’re under stress. And a bag of Starbucks almonds.

  311. It’s in my hand, not my pocket as I read your blog but so worth mentioning anyway. A jar of Whole Foods (Crunchy) Peanut Butter and a butter knife. I am just spooning it out with the knife directly into ma bouche. Jealous? If I could I would invite you to join me but the mental picture will have to serve for now.

  313. So excited you are doing the audio version! You did a great job with the first one, and I highly recommend the audio version to anybody. Way more entertaining listening to you read it than just sitting and reading it. Plus, the bloopers at the end were hilarious. So keep up the good work and I can’t wait to listen to you again!

  314. Go outside a buy a slice of NY pizza. Actually any Italian food while you’re in NY.

  315. I have cat painkillers in my purse right now. It’s not creepy, although saying it’s not creepy kinda makes it creepy by default. Our youngest (cat, not kid) just got neutered. Enjoy NYC!

  316. I carry an old subway token (the kind with the hole in the middle) in my wallet. I’ve had it there ever since I moved home to Austin from NYC (in 2000). I’ve only nearly lost it once, at the Ladybird Johnson Wildflower Center. But I made my husband and kids crawl around on the ground until we found it.

  317. A ridiculously large number of rechargeable batteries and a battery charger (you never know when you’ll need a freshly charged AA!), and a dirty nutribullet cup and dirty reuseable straw from breakfast… amongst all the normal stuff like a huge sampler bag of spry gum… two pairs of sunglasses… etc…

  318. Yesterday I had a hook in my purse. My daughter picked it up at the farm we went to to pick strawberries. No idea what it’s for. Then it fell out and I don’t know where it went.

  319. I keep a small bag of googly eyes in my purse. Ya know, just in case of googly eye emergencies.

  320. I don’t have fried cheese sticks, but recently had deep-fried Brussels sprouts for the first time. Weird and good, especially with all the bacon and cheese on them. Next to my purse I have a bow tie for the cat, because you never know when he’ll need to dress up.

  321. I have 2 tins of Burt’s Bees lip balm, a wee tub of Vaseline, a mini Sugar Rose lip balm from Fresh, generic Zyrtec, an asthma inhaler and aerochamber in a ziplock bag, a toothbrust, toothpaste and dental floss in another ziplock bag, a Luna bar for hypoglycemic emergencies, several packets of tissues, my funky blue & purple reading glasses, 2 pens, a mechanical pencil and a black Sharpie, several Christmas stamps, a wide-tooth comb, a small tape measure, several Ricolas in a tiny sparkly purple drawstring bag, Bach’s Rescue Remedy, eyedrops, peppermint gum, 2 sets of my own keys AND the keys to a friend’s place, a teeny bottle of marula face oil, sunglasses, hair accessories, business cards, bus schedules, a mini-tube of sunscreen that I never use, a zippered pouch w/various OTC remedies, bandaids, etc., a change purse because the change pocket in my wallet won’t stay closed, and a wallet w/a bunch of funky cards, including my Goth card…and that’s not even everything. (Oh, and my phone when it’s not recharging, which it does most of the time.) Oh, and I have mini figurines of Iron Man and Hawkeye keeping guard on my nightstand…does that count? Sorry I can’t send you my cat Romeo, but considering yourself rubbed against and purred on by a 15 lb. muscular polydactyl brown tabby with slightly tattered ears, big green eyes, and a need to snuggle, OK?

  323. the oddest thing i have? the teddy bear collection, from the tiny silver one on the charm bracelet i always wear to the 4 foot tall one TheEngineer got me for valentines day two years ago. 😀 the big one is WONDERFUL for snuggling with.

  324. I have chunk of paraffin wax in my desk drawer because I have to wear custom orthotics and they squeak sometimes. I have an inordinate number of pads and tampons in my bag for a women who hasn’t had a period in 3 years. (Mirena rocks, by the way.) And a yellow paper clip that I’ve had since college because…well, it was lucky. (College was a looooong time ago.)

  325. I cannot believe all the weird and wonderful things you people carry around with you.

    On my desk at the moment I have sixteen tiny paint pots from a Paint-by-Number, my orchid love plant, a Christmas mug painted by my mom, an angel-shaped paper holder, and a toy knight on a horse who reminds me to be tough. Oh, and a set of Harry Potter themed Forever stamps!!!!

  327. I just posted a picture of a rainbow butterfly unicorn kitten to your Facebook page to keep you company. Awesome sauce!!!

  329. In my purse, I currently have a fitbit, two year old gum, lipstain, Vaseline, and approximately three thousand receipts, mostly for diet cokes. I’m afraid none of theirs will be useful to anyone or you, except possibly the Vaseline? For lip moistening purposes???

  330. Literally, I have six small kittens crawling around my art studio right now. An adorable stray who brings me rat faces had them three weeks ago. Their names are Stink Floyd, Hobbes, Prince Albert, GeeGee, Mu, and Squinty the Viking…this is why I should never be permitted to name animals without supervision.

  332. Pockets – a T3 in case all the other medications in my purse (in a darling little bag I call “Felix’s Bag of Tricks”) don’t work. Seriously, having chronic illnesses is a pain when traveling. Half of my carry-on is filled with prescription bottles.

  333. Water in a canning jar (gotta stay hydrated), emery board, can of pens, Vick’s VapoRub (which I smell to relieve sinus headaches), half eaten box of Jr Mints, several decks of Tarot and oracle cards, a 20 peso note that I’m using in this library book for a marker, several hair ties, and a shit-ton of notes scribbled on used envelopes.

  334. Funny you should ask. I was asking my husband earlier if there is anyone else in the world that has one horse treat and three grapes in their pocket like I do.

  335. Not really weird but appropriate. It’s a keychain with a maneki-neko: the Japanese good luck cat. Mine has both paws raised like this one: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Maneki_neko_by_greychr_in_Japantown,_San_Francisco.jpg. Supposedly means good luck, wealth and many customers. How perfect is that? It also has two kanji on an attached coin that mean health and happiness. (So I was told. Haha. Could mean bad breath and spilled coffee for all I’d know. But I choose optimism.) So it’s a kitty /and/ it’s full of luck and other good things, and I gift it to you, uh, spiritually I guess. There. Yours.

  336. Great, now I have a deep longing to be the home for all the unknown keys mentioned in the comments. Really. Deep. Longing.

  337. I can hook you up with a forklift driver’s license, a St. Christopher’s medal, and several years worth of movie ticket stubs, and now I want to drive a forklift to the movies which would almost certainly require divine intervention to get there.

  338. The weirdest shit in my office at the moment are as follows: (1) Buddha squeaky toy holding cell phone and a latte, (2) a dinosaur hat with tin foil unicorn horn, (3) a marble superglued to a piece of floral foam and sitting atop a sparkly rock, and (4) a plastic hopping bunny thing that jumps like a frog but looks like a naked mole rat. I love weird shit. <3

  339. My Surprise pills. The label actually says “Multi-herb Digestion & Detox Support” on one and “Multi-fiber Cleanse” on the other, but what they actually should be labelled is “Surprise! You’re not leaving the house for 24 hours!”

    Or my autographed picture of wrestling superstar Mick Foley dressed as Santa Claus. That’s pretty cool too.

  340. Now I’m just picturing a bunch of dinosaurs the size of beetles running around trying to terrify us all… frankly, it is just adorable.

    Also, you are awesome and your voice is delightful.

  343. Nothing in my purse is that weird. On my desk, I have the remnants of a wooden puzzle, some Basil Citrus Turkey Jerky, a plastic creeper from Minecraft, a can of soup I’ve been avoiding, Emergen-C packets, a terrible travel mug from a work project, some almond scented lotion, an old mouse with an actual ball at the bottom and a serial plug, and scattered work-related notes. And I’ve been listening to this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ygrdAvmr-MA. It’s a music video parody of “Space Oddity” by David Bowie using only the top 1000 most commonly used English words.

  344. just a sampling of what is in my desk drawer that leads me to believe I am becoming a hoarder since I dont remember aquiring any of them……3 stale lifesavers, paperclips in the shape of dogs, cash cannon dollar bills, salt shaker, a poppy, 1 zillion pencils ( I dont even use pencils), a sleeping pill (!?) lego, corkscrew and hockey puck – which is not that crazy because I am Canadian…..

  345. I have a photograph on my office wall of a naked PET/CT. (As in, without the outer shell on.) I love how GE colored some of the internal bits bright purple, when so few people will ever see them.

    Also have a photograph of my youngest holding a hard hat that the Philly Zoo had let a jaguar play with (covered in holes, jaguars apparently having the strongest bite strength of the big cats). Since I wear a hard hat daily at work, I find it funny.

  346. I am a little concerned by the number of people with bombs or grenades on their desk. Where do these people work??

  347. A piece of sticky/slappy hand (that you get from a quarter machine) that is covered in dog hair, crackers and toddler fodder.

  348. A bear under my shirt.

    Okay fine, I call my son Little Bear (formally known as Hairless Kitten), and he’s under my shirt, nursing.

  349. I have batteries, a pink and purple teething toy (I have no idea how I wound up with that. I have four sons and none of them are teething thay I am aware of. I should probably ask them later. The 7 and 9 year Olds have been losing teeth so I suppose they could have borrowed it from some baby with the intent that I would return it for them.), and my favorite weird thing in my purse is a DNA test kit. There is a perfectly reasonable explanation for the presence of the test kit. My husband thought he might have a different father than his brother so they got on the Internet and spent money having their DNA tested instead of just ASKING their parents. As it turns out, they are full siblings and could have saved $200 and got me a gift because I TOLD them that they look alike and are probably brothers for real but they never listen to me. Probably because I’m short. The DNA kit also tells you how much of your genetics is neanderthal! As it turns out, my husband is nearly 2% caveman and so I made endless fun of him. He insists that I’m mless civilized than him, therefore probably MORE neanderthal than he is. When I pointed out how impossible that is because I’m much cuter than him and my grammar is better, he ordered a kit for me and I forgot about earning more jokes so here I am with a DNA testing kit in my purse.

  351. On me right now? The slice-of-conch-shell necklace I got the first time I went to San Diego. I left my heart there and brought home the necklace. I’m not sure it’s a fair trade. Also, my cell phone, earplugs, keys with a mini tape measure keychain, a beat-up Moleskine notebook for those brilliant ideas I don’t seem to have, half a paper towel, chapstick, a pocket knife, a gerber multi-tool, maglite flashlight, four sharpies and three pencils. That’s just on my person. My bag is an infinite hole of random crap that I have actually needed at some point, including four more sharpies and the Go-Girl Stand to Pee Device. I clearly have a sharpie habit and visit strange bathrooms.

  353. a great deal of cut grass in one pocket (Ive been mowing the lawn) and yellow ear plugs on a blue elastic in the other. Ahh and a tick. excuse me just a moment.
    Earlier I had three tinfoil balls (cat toys) and one tailless fat pretend mouse for emergency cat play…

  354. 1 foam earplug (no idea) and a pill I can’t identify but don’t want to throw away in case I need it

  355. I have a half of a frog (front legs and head) key chain in my purse. I can hardly wait for your new book!

  356. A wide variety of prescription medications, licorice flavored cough drops, 3 kinds of lipgloss, various hair ties, large dark sunglasses, a rhinestone covered pill case, and my house key
    You’re welcome to most of it except the prescriptions. I need those and I only get so many a month. All the licorice cough drops you can eat!

  357. Today I went to buy a soda from the machine at work. I pulled out what I thought was a dime from my pocket. It was actually a small plastic cheese pizza. For some reason the soda machine wouldn’t accept it. Is cheese pizza not legal tender in America?

  358. Right now all I have going is a “Soot Sprite Lifting Team” t-shirt and a vat sized coffee mug with Christmas trees on it.

  359. A measuring tape – I actually have one in all my purses because I never know when someone is going to ask me, “as a costumer” to measure them. But it helps when I go thrift shopping for myself because I don’t have to try stuff on, I can just take the measurements and know it’ll fit. And i can verify that I did indeed eat a calzone the size of my head for lunch that day, because I could measure both the calzone and my head…

  360. an unloaded smith and wesson .40 pistol. Seriously…Its my wedding gift to my hubby and while I was fondling it in the privacy of my home office (yeah.. that sounded weird) he came upstairs and I had to stash it. He’s teleworking today so I can’t sneak it out of the office….is it weird that I chose to present a gun to my hubby on our wedding day?

  361. I have a little spritzer of poo pourri in my purse (never leave home without it). Is that weird or just girl scout preparedness? I don’t particularly love the scent of this one, (it’s the original citrus), but it does smell better than shit. That should probably be their new slogan.

  362. I don’t have any cheese, or fried kittens. I do have two copies of USA Today (from yesterday) and two from today. I travel a lot, and usually I fill out the crossword to my best ability, then the next day I’ll look up the answers. On the plane ride home I take the blank copy from the previous day and rapidly fill it out, so the person next to me thinks I’m a friggin’ genius. It’s a small life, but someone has to live it.

  364. Years ago, when I was first blogging, a meme went around where you had to list 5 things in your fridge, your purse and…your closet, I think it was. I was living in Mauritania at the time but as I recall, my list was surprisingly boring. (I just looked on my blog but couldn’t find it so you’ll have to live without knowing, which I imagine won’t be hard) Right now in my purse I have a Lindor truffle (given me by a Saudi woman who was desperate to get me to eat something!) and several coupons not yet expired and two pens from St Jude Children’s Research Hospital (did a blog tour there in April) and my Kindle, so I’m never without something to read.

  366. Small tube of frosting patiently awaiting to be needed during a low blood sugar. Glucose tabs are boring and don’t turn your tongue blue. I will gladly share but would love an autographed (pawtographed ?) pic of HST in return.

    I can’t wait for the new book to come out!

  367. It is 3:30am. All I have on me are my panties. But they are red and really sexy!

  368. I have a fake mustache in my pocket. We’re moving today, and my gloriously mustachioed boyfriend thought that everyone helping us would benefit from having one. He was right, except mine got itchy after awhile and had to go.

  370. As a Kindergarten teacher and Mom I have had some pretty weird things in my pockets, but I am probably going to win the weirdest award for this one – in my purse right now, I have a pap smear thing-in-a-plastic-jar that I was supposed to drop off at the lab after an OB appointment months ago. It was too late to drop it off that day, so I was supposed to take it the next morning, but I forgot, and then it was the weekend, which happened to be a long weekend, so by the time Tuesday rolled around and I was carrying around the thing from Thursday I was embarrassed to even take it to the lab but I didn’t want to just throw it away because it had my name and personal information on it, but I didn’t know what else to do with it, and then I forgot about its existence until recently when I was digging for something deep in my purse and found it again. And I’m still not sure what to do with it!

  371. Nothing. It’s 4:20, i’m enjoying a beer and still in pajamas. I love Saturdays.

  372. I send you my compliments because I know the audio recording is going to be so awesome! I’ve got a trader joe’s lipbalm in my pocket. I am disappointed at how mundane that is. Usually my pockets are much more interesting.

  373. To Jessicarhein—I have a vision of someday developing a line of women’s clothing where EVERYTHING has functional pockets. Dresses, pants, skirts, tunics–EVERYTHING! Even men’s swim trunks have pockets, so why can’t our bathing suits? I suppose men’s speedos don’t have pockets, so I wouldn’t put them in, say, a bikini, but anything I can I would. In fact, I want to start putting them into clothes I already have. I would call the clothing line simply “Pockets.” Maybe someday.

  374. I have glow in the dark bats in the closet. I don’t know why they are not just out on display.

  376. Well, nothing in my pockets right now, because it’s clean stretchy pants time 🙂 But I found an egg in my pocket the other day that I had totally forgotten was there. It wasn’t broken either, which has happened on occasion before but I am an optimist and I keep putting them in there assuming I will not forget them this time. They are nice eggs, I would send you one, but I suspect going through the mail would make them less nice.

    And Sherry, if you create your clothing line, I will totally buy it. I’m halfway convinced the pathetic pockets in womens’ clothing is a plot by The Man to Keep Us Down.

  377. A black t-shirt with a very scary cat face on it. I saw it at the thrift store, thought it was the face of my daughter’s favorite dragon (Toothless) but she won’t wear it because it’s not her favorite dragon, but by the time she told me I had lost the receipt, so now it’s mine & it’s very scary, but I’m an unemployed, crippled barista (I can use that word because I am one— a person of limited mobility… I’m not a barista, nor was I ever one, really, though I thought it would be really fun, until I realized my legs didn’t work, so that kind of shot that in the… leg.). It’s not really in my pocket but it’s what’s on me at present. I’d rather send you cheese sticks or a guinea pig or one of these loaner bunnies we have lying around the house for the summer… but that would require getting up, grabbing a rabbit, wrapping it in brown paper packaging & tying it all up with string & mailing it (we still tie up paper packages with string, right?) and that would require walking, which I can’t do, so I’m telling you about my scary cat-not-a-dragon shirt because well, you seemed like you wanted to hear about something and I wanted to write yet I had to shut down my blog because it embarrassed a certain member of my family so from time to time, when the urge gets strong (when I’ve eaten too many Sugar Smacks before bed), I shamefully come here & accidentally hijack your blog. I’m truly very sorry. It just… happens. P.S. I live in Texas too! But don’t let that scare you. You’ll always know it’s me because of the slightly juvenile t-shirts I always find myself having to wear these days.

  380. A small wad of unused tissues, a vial of eyeglass cleaner – which came with my son’s new glasses (which he no longer wears) 3 years ago, clear gloss nail polish, 3 lipsticks I don’t ever wear, 5 used glucose meter test strips, one Advil (which is useless for any headache I could ever have), glucagon (for the type 1 diabetes emergency I never hope to see), and coupons for 2 free smoothies at a new local nutrition shop. You are welcome to them all – including the glucagon if you’re feeling stabby, except that it might be illegal to stab a person who is not hypoglycemic with the ultimate sugar rush.

  381. I got distracted by my chipped nail polish and forgot to mention a now tattered and watermarked handwritten recipe for a Sidecar martini, which I carry with me for when that lady comes into the restaurant again and wants one, since I can never remember how to make it.

  382. There is nothing interesting or unusual around me. This cannot stand.
    I’ve become boring.

  383. I want to say that everyone who posted a comment is awesome!
    I have my magic rock from Heaven in my purse. I was wearing a brand-new pair of pants one day and discovered a shiny white rock in my pocket. I have no idea how it got there, so it is the magic rock from Heaven.

  384. a plastic meerkat, a pocket milagro that my sister gave me, my kiddo’s backup inhaler, and two knives always travel with me. One is a swiss army knife for practical reasons, and the other is a lockblade for maximum stabitude. Oh, wetnaps, a sharpie pen (they don’t smudge!) and my migraine meds.

  385. If your theory holds (and I have no reason to suspect it won’t), I would like to go back in time to be bigger than Godzilla and I would pick HIS little ass up and pretend to eat him and then laugh and say HAHA, JUST KIDDING! and then squash him in my hand.
    Also my holey work-at-home shorts have no pockets, but my purse has mostly broken pens, a handful of cinnamon/peppermint flavored candies that I stole from a restaurant (there’s only a handful left, I mean, because I took about 87), and a tiny first aid kit that is full of alcohol swabs and bandaids.

  386. Oh crap, I forgot the random compliments part: You look really pretty today. Of course, I would only know that if I was stalking you. I mean… what was the question?

  387. I’ve got a toothbrush in my mouth. But it’s not for a weird reason. I’m brushing my teeth while reading your blog. Either way, I don’t think you’ll want it.

  388. Deep in my desk drawer, I have a film canister that contains a tuft of hair from my cat that died 10 days before I had my kid. Don’t tell anyone.

  390. On my desk at the moment is a needle-felted wool shark with crooked teeth who is missing all his fins. We play “sharkball” in our office using a wiffle ball bat, which often ends with broken lamps and inadvertently erased white boards.

  391. huh… just checked my pocket and there is a slip of paper I don’t recall where it came from. Actually I really don’t think I’ve ever seen it before. It has written on it, “When they come, you will need this” Then a string of 7 numbers and letters. Should I be concerned?

  392. About 7 pairs of reading glasses, none of which I can find when I actually need them.

  393. Small Beyonce the Giant Metal Chicken is standing next to my desktop Tardis….. and don’t forget my yarn Peter Pan.

  394. I have a keychain that is a likeness of R2-D2 but is made almost entirely of yarn, which I got from my girlfriends autistic son. What can I say? The kid rocks.

  395. Finally got around to reading your posts, and the weirdest things I have on my desk right now are several Minions from McDonald’s, a booklet that came with my dollar shave club razors, a key ring full of keys that I don’t know what they go to, camera’s and cords, GPS and batteries and my favorite coaster that says, “Drink up bitches.”

  396. In my bookbag this week: two plastic balls with fake eyeballs floating in water inside, that light up if you hang them against something, a tiny green leprechaun hat, a little Partridge family bus, four beanbags, a magic saves with three light settings, a plastic pitchfork decorated like Posiedon’s triton…those are just some of the weirdest. Did I mention I teach children’s theatre?

  397. I wish I was joking about this: I have a vial full of live ticks. No seriously. I research tick-borne diseases and I have basically the equivalent of a small film-roll case of about 30 live ticks sitting on my desk. Every so often I hear a light as the mass gathering on the lid becomes too heavy and plummets to the bottom. They then untangle themselves and repeat the process. It’s like a messed-up lava lamp. I also have a petri dish with a single engorged tick sitting in an incubator 30 feet away that we’re trying to make lay eggs. The interns have named her Francis.

  398. Peppermints! Always peppermints, I’m an old lady at heart.

  399. You’re probably back home by now, but in case there’s still a need, I can offer you a small bag of multisized ivory sequins left over from my wedding dress, a Fruit&Grain Bar (apple), several batteries (AA and AAA), a bobbin of red thread, an underbust cinch/corset thingy from when I was a lot younger/thinner, a filthy flashdrive (because of what’s on the outside not the inside of it), and a pack of teensy screw drivers.

    Hope your recording went swimmingly! and that you didn’t actually need any of these things. because they are back in my drawer now and I might not ever find each of them again.

  400. I have a miniature Slinky on my desk at work. I that when I am pushed to the point of more stress than I can handle, playing with it soothes me. If it would help, it is yours.

  402. I have, and I am not kidding, a baggie with a strange shark-tooth-shaped piece of something white (no one quite knows what) that my vet recently pulled out of my dog’s ass.

  403. I am carrying purse-ly things (wallet, small makeup bag, brush, keys) as well as 2 crochet needles (sans yarn) and a jar of homemade strawberry jam. Not the weirdest combo, for sure, but effing heavy (a friend gave me the jam at her house, and I forgot & have been carrying it around for days).

  404. It’s not so much what I have on me that is weird, but where it is. I have a tube of burt’s bees lip balm and several tissues and probably some toast crumbs in my bra and I swear, I almost just took a picture of it before I remembered this. is. not. tumblr.

  405. I have a pair of steampunk goggles that have wings on each side!

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Where Do I Belong? A memoir of Sarah Carrington: The unbelievable story of growing up in a religious cult in the mountains of Northern British Columbia. What happens to you in life doesn’t make you strong; rising above it does.

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