You’ll get through this.

in more than meets the eye

It might just be me but it seems like the last few weeks have been more hellish than usual regarding mental imbalances.  Friends and family who struggle occasionally are in deeper holes than normal.  Friends who almost never seem to struggle are suddenly feeling emotions they don’t understand.  I don’t know why this is.  Is it just a coincidence, or is it that my small world of people are affected by each other?  Is it that the planets are aligning in ways that make us all raw and exhausted?  Is it that we’ve seen such hard things in the news lately?  Is it that facebooks algorithms decides to send me mainly statuses of people who are angry or in pain or desperate or scared?  Or maybe it’s just me.  Maybe this circle of joy and angst is always here for all of us and I just notice it more when I’m in a deeper hole than usual.

I don’t know the answer.

But I do know this.  A week ago I was at one of the lowest points I’ve been all year.  I was at that point where you start to wonder if you’ll ever get better.  And you tell yourself that depression lies (because it does) and you remind yourself that it has always gotten better so it’s utterly irrational to believe otherwise and you keep breathing until it passes, but always with that little doubt in the back of your mind.  And the doubt becomes larger each day and you get more tired and you have to rely on others to watch over you and keep you going.  And yet you breathe.  And yet you live.  If not for yourself, for the thought that it will get better.  And if not for the thought that it will get better, for the people who need you even when you are at your most broken.

And then something happens.

It gets better.

For me, my depression comes with a physical sign…I lose my peripheral vision.  It quite literally becomes darker and I feel more alone.  And each day I wake up and look around and hope that the shadows surrounding me have passed.  Often it’s just for a few days.  Occasionally it’s a few weeks or longer.  And then – suddenly and without reason – my vision starts to clear.  The light comes back.  I laugh without having to force myself to.  I see such beauty and joy and I wonder how I could have ever doubted that this was worth living for.

A few days ago my darkness started to fade.  Slowly, but it’s fading.  I never know how long I’ll be in the hole or out of the hole but I know that I feel stronger today than I have in weeks.  I wish I could go back to the me of a week ago who was struggling and tell her it’s getting better.  Tell her that the drugs kicked in or my chemistry went back to normal or that bastard moon stopped fucking with me or whatever it was that caused this dip to be darker than usual.  But I can’t.

But I can tell you that if you are struggling right now you are not alone, and that you will be better.  It might take meds or therapy or time or possibly for us to destroy the moon with lasers, but it will happen.  I promise.  I promise you now and I also promise the me that will read this post again one day when she’s back in that hole.

There is sunlight.  There is joy.  There is a world of laughter you haven’t used up. There are people you haven’t even met waiting for you to make their life complete.  Keep going.  Keep breathing.  You’ll get through this.

PS. Sharing pain helps, but strangely enough sharing joy helps even more, so if you like, please share something that brings you joy in the comments.  Maybe it’s something you’re proud of or something you’ve accomplished or maybe it’s a quote that helps you through or maybe it’s a video of a screaming goats:

The one at 1:08 is pretty much exactly how I fight with Victor when I know he’s right.

Keep breathing, y’all.  The light is there.

409 thoughts on “You’ll get through this.”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Jenny I’m so glad to hear your vision is clearing and you are making your way out of the hole. My ex husband had anxiety disorder and depression and I have great empathy for what it’s like to go through it.

    Goats screaming are awesome. Thank you for that laugh 🙂

  3. I love that you are so open with your battle with mental illness. I think it is so important for the millions of others out there who are also battling it to see that they aren’t alone and that there is light at the end of the tunnel. You’re so awesome, Jenny!

  4. Thank you, I have had a rough few months and sometimes it’s just nice to know others have been there, and have gotten through the other side. Your book has been such a gift to me, to laugh when I don’t think I’ll ever laugh again and your honesty saves me. Also, goats screaming – win. I’m pretty sure I had a neighbour who sounded like that second to last one when she orgasmed every night. And now I’ll leave you with that mental image and I’ll likely wake up at 3am tonight questioning why the hell I left a comment like that and panic about it for two hours straight.

  5. “but always with that little doubt in the back of your mind.. ”

    I misread “doubt” as “dolphin”. Your dolphin is an asshole.

  6. I needed this. I’ve recently been having some bad fibro depression and when my 14yr old ask why I was having melt downs, I couldn’t explain them to her. The darkness is lifting for me as well but this really needed to be in my life today. I love my tribe.

  12. I have been feeling lighter since last night, and so am glad to hear that you are feeling better right now also.

    On Monday I was going through a visualization exercise with my wellness coach, who told me this: “Picture the wall in front of you. Tall, thick and strong. You don’t know how high it goes. Just remember, however tall that wall is, just look for the window. For that window will give you light, fresh air, and a new view.”

    I am opening my window. Probably going to crawl out it too.

  13. I like goats. They’re smart and funny and curious and enjoy the occasional visit to the living room. My 7-lb cat once scared the crap out of a rather large goat who decided to explore the house instead of waiting in the laundry room for a few minutes as planned (long story). Scared the crap out of the cat, too. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen a goat and and a cat tear down a hallway in opposite directions. Just another day on the farm.

  14. Dude, it isn’t just your personal circle, I’ve noticed it too. It seems like there are a lot of near meltdowns happening amidst people who are normally pretty level. I personally have my own battles with depression and anxiety so I’ve recently joined the gym and it is actually helping me. The thing about life is, it keeps marching on whether you’re able to join in… I’m glad your own storm is clearing. 🙂 Carpe diem.

  15. I’m in the hole. It’s not good down here right now so I can’t share a happy because I can’t see any right now. I needed this so badly. I’m going to read it all day long. Thank you. <3

  16. So glad the light is coming back.

    My darkness is physical — Crohn’s disease. I had been getting worse and worse, in more and more pain, which in turn causes my darkness to descend. To where I get tired of never actually feeling good ever. A very simple change has pretty much eliminated the pain and I feel good. Better than I have in nearly 10 years.

  18. When the world, as a whole, struggles, I think we all feel it on a more personal level. I’ve felt particularly sad and a bit hopeless, lately, and I just thought it was because of my disappointment over the fact that such a large part of our population seems so selfish and lacking empathy. I hold on until something happens that restores my faith in mankind, and then things get better. Until then, I try to limit my exposure to people who aren’t like minded, basically be a crabby bitch, and hope for that perspective changer. For some inexplicable reason, it does help to know I’m not alone. Hugs to you, my friend.

  19. It’s not just you and yours, I’ve been feeling it too and wondering if the meds need to be changed (the latest adjustment has seemed to work in reverse) or if it’s the dark, rainy weather here in the Mid-Atlantic lately or if it’s one of way too many things (one thing at a time, breath). What brings me joy are thoughts of my retirement the end of the year, my grandmunchkin and reading your blog. You make me laugh, you make me think and you remind me that I’m not alone, there is a place where mental health issues aren’t looked down upon and that depression lies. Thankyou!

  20. A few years, maybe a couple. Definitely not long, long ago. I read this post on twitter that led me to a blog. A blog about a blogger who had been horribly insulted by an admonkey. That blogger proceeded to teach the admonkey a lesson in relevance.

    That blogger brings me joy. She introduced me to red dresses. She does wonderful gift drives for Christmas. She wrote a book that I read a couple or three times. She brings me joy.

    Chocolate also brings me joy, but of a different sort.

  22. I also need to thank you for reminding me when those in my life are IN the hole, that they will come back out again…it can be scary on this side of the depression too.

  24. Daughter and I both got new meds this week! I’m on the verge of coming out of a two-year bout! All those things that were neglected around the house are getting done – and I accepted help when it was offered by two sweet Mormon missionaries. I appreciate those boys coming over every Friday for 1 – 1.5 hours; so much is getting done. I’m not back where I feel joy, but I’m happier.

  25. Let me share a laugh from my 91-year-old mother. If she can see still see humor in her life, maybe you can too. The other day I told my mother that I like to watch “The Good Wife” because I like to see what Julianna Margulies is wearing. And she said, “You aren’t the only one with a style icon. I watch “Hot in Cleveland” to see what Betty White is wearing!”

  26. The moon casts light in darkness; let’s not destroy it with lasers unless absolutely necessary. Thank you for this post. I’m glad you’re on the upcrawl, if not swing. Although I love your swing, so I hope you’re on that too.

    I’m struggling with a class that I find very hard but it stands between me and the things I want to do to help other people, so I’m doing the work even though sometimes I want to break things because I’m so frustrated by it & all it’s accompanying triggers.

    As self-care I’m taking yoga classes daily. There is joy in seeing my body emerge, glowing, from the shell it’s been encased in for years. I have more energy than I know what to do with and I’m falling in love with myself.

    Because I know now that I can do anything, it turns out I can do anything.

  27. Thank you for sharing with everybody, and putting into words what I can’t.
    Why I’m happy right now: I have suffered from treatment-resistant depression for 17 years, until finally being diagnosed with bipolar this year. I had completely resigned myself to just vacillating between 50 and 100 percent depressed for the rest of my life, but for the first time in a long time, I can truly see myself getting better.

  28. I’ve gone through some dark dark days in my life, but I came very close to actually killing myself after my mom died. The only thing that stopped me was knowing that it would destroy my dad and brother to lose me on top of losing her. And true, life hasn’t always been a cakewalk since then, but so many wonderful things have happened that I’m so glad I stuck around. You’re right, it does get better and you WILL get through it.

    My current joy is googling pictures of cats/kittens in hats and/or those pictures of Hugh Jackman running on the beach with a really goofy look on his face. I absolutely love Hugh Jackman and would climb him like a tree if given the opportunity, but seeing him look like such a doof always cracks me up.

  29. Oh man that goat slayed me. I was having an exceptionally crap day at work. Things breaking, math not working, people being shitty when a friend of mine posted this:

    I’m all for meditation and mindfulness but sometimes you just have to curse. And on very rare occasions you get to do both.

    My new mantra is…breathe in strength…breathe out bullshit.

  31. My favorite quote, of all time, is attributed to Henry Rollins, because it is mostly true of my personality, and when I am not feeling it, simply saying it to myself, reminds me that I’ll come back around to who I am, because it’s who I am. The quote is: “My optimism wears heavy boots and is loud”. Stomp around in them, it gets better.

  32. Ok, was going to leave my win, which is actually getting all my filing done at work, this never, ever happens, but Phaedra’s goat vs. cat is much better and funnier!

  38. I’m on the other end of it, and I wish I could go back too. To let myself know it’s not forever. But the god news is, I’m out of it. A person I met two weeks ago just described me as “always cheerful.” My therapist said even my countenance is brighter. It passes. Even though it doesn’t feel like it will.

  39. I’ve been feeling terribly insufficient lately…that video had me laughing to tears. Thanks for that, and for your post. I’m so glad you’re coming back to an upswing.

  40. Just shared your words with a friend who is also struggling. Helping that person also helps me. Thank you for reminding me why the struggle is worth it.

  43. You are a joy and an inspiration, Jenny! My inner goat is screaming too!

  44. Things have been really bad for me lately, too; it’s been a while since the hole has felt this deep. Slowly but surely, though, I’m pulling out of it. I’m glad you are too.

  45. The song “Birdhouse in your Soul” by They Might Be Giants always makes me smile. It my go to happy song.

  46. One of the things that brings me joy is you.
    When I’m laughing so hard I can’t tell my husband what is so funny, I’m usually reading you. Or watching videos of cats doing stupid things. Cats make me laugh, but you make me laugh and also think. Thank you.
    I’m so glad you are feeling better.

  47. I’m so glad you’re doing well, Jenny. Your book is one of my favorites and meeting you at one of your book signings made you one of my favorite people I’ve met. I’m always wishing well for you and your family. Your “Depression Lies” saying has gotten me through some really, really hard times. Forever grateful for you and your blog.

  50. It’s almost eerie, what incredible timing this is for me. Needed this so, so much, thank you. I wrote something similar to this for myself, along the lines of “you won’t always feel like this,” and it helped, but it helps more to know others understand. You really have made my life better more than once, with your humor, insight an compassion. Wish I could do the same for you.

    You’ve probably seen this, but here’s something I found both weirdly, sincerely helpful and hilarious– definitely a checkmark in the Joy column. F*** That, A Guided Meditation

  52. I was diagnosed with cancer this week… the radiation/chemo kind of cancer. Now I really have something to be depressed about. I feel somehow vindicated.

  54. It’s not just you – I’ve been in the hole recently too and wondering if it was just me. We aren’t alone and I’m thankful to you for this reminder and for these beautiful words of truth, light, and hope. Thank you, thank you, dear one. Today my light is coming back a little more than it was yesterday and I am grateful for the small glimmer of hope that it gets better. Thankful for you and for the light.

    Thought this part was especially beautiful: “And the doubt becomes larger each day and you get more tired and you have to rely on others to watch over you and keep you going. And yet you breathe. And yet you live. If not for yourself, for the thought that it will get better. And if not for the thought that it will get better, for the people who need you even when you are at your most broken.” Your talent gives me chills. Thank you for using your gift with words and sharing hope with all of us. Words like these can mean the difference between life and death sometimes. We all need each other and to know we’re not alone in this. Grateful for you today (and every day)! Also, as a fellow Texan, I think it’s safe to say we can blame the heat too! 😉

  58. Thank you for being so open your struggle, it has helped me more than you know. I am glad you are coming out of it, I am starting to come out of it as well. This is a good tribe.

  59. I am so glad to see this, not because I’m glad you’ve been in the bad brain neighborhood, but because I’ve been slogging through each day and I don’t know why. This is the season I love! My garden is growing! My kids are around to help me laugh. I actually walked through my garden yesterday chanting “depression lies, Jenny says so, depression lies” but I didn’t fully believe myself.
    On Sunday my daughter made me go with her to see Spy. I didn’t want to, but it was the best thing I could have done. Goddammit Melissa McCarthy is so fucking funny. God bless her. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YrY3v1eDmQY

  60. This shit has gotten real for the last two weeks. I haven’t had a batch last this long, or be this bad in a long time. I fought through every day, I battled every interaction. But I survived and now I’m through to the other side and I’m still here. Thank you for letting me know I’m not alone. Someone higher up said, “Much love to our Tribe.” I couldn’t agree more. A lot of people I know have been struggling more recently. Depression lies.

    Not sure I would have made it through this if it hadn’t been for my son. His giggles, hugs and love brought some light to my darkness. He is my reason when i don’t have one.

  63. A hearty “amen” to everything you’ve shared. When I’m in my POH (Pit of Hell) Depressions, I cannot believe I will ever feel good again. But when I do I can’t imagine feeling bad again. I’m on a constant roller coaster…and it’s been bad lately, too. (Let’s blow up that moon, okay? Oh wait, that would really screw with the tides…and like gravity and stuff…)

    Being creative helps me. I’ve been doing a lot of papercrafting. (BUYING the actual supplies are what makes me happiest…and…um…POOR.)

    Don’t know how to embed a pic…but take my word for it, the album I made is AWESOME! 😉

    Keep hanging in there, Jenny…you have tons of people rooting for you!

  64. Jenny,
    As much joy as I want to share with you, I just have to admit that I read this with tears in my eyes and full of raw emotion and frustration with my own journey. (I guess there’s joy in still being able to feel?) you have touched my life in a way that is immeasurable. Reading your book, or blog, is like sitting down and sinking into my college years, second hand couch, with my best friend while drinking a $3 bottle of wine and just letting it all out. Thank you for beating your soul.

  65. Glad you are finding your way out. I have been treading water for awhile now and have yet found my completely out. I know it does end. Thank you for the reminder. Always good to know I’m not alone. ♡

  66. Much love to you, Jenny and to everyone else in our tribe.

    One way I find happiness almost every day is by being a member of http://www.postcrossing.com. The website is a place for real people to connect via real postcards. I send and receive postcards to and from all over the world. There is nothing like sending a message of love or encouragement or just your daily life to a Postcrosser on another country and knowing it will make them happy. There is nothing better than finding postcards with messages of happiness or good wishes in your mailbox instead of junk mail or bills. I urge every one to look into Postcrossing. 🙂

  67. This has been me for months now.
    Thank you for this post, while I have been on an overall “upswing”, it makes those small slides back seem so much worse. I needed this so much.

    Sometimes it takes a “stranger” to remind us that it can, no, WILL get better.

  68. I’m struggling really hard today because it’s the funeral of one of my best friends who happened to be bipolar. There are no explanations yet as to why she and her husband went to sleep and he woke up and she didn’t. It takes awhile for all test results to come back. I’ve been trying to spread rainbows and sunshine today in everything that I do as I had to work and couldn’t attend it. I made her a friendship bell. My daughter took it with her along with the one she made her. Mine was made from broken bells that wouldn’t ring until I put them together and then they just started making a beautiful sound together. I know this started out grim but here’s the link because the sound of the bells makes me smile even tho’ my voice is emotional. {hugs}
    https://www.keek.com/keek/09Queab

  71. I will share this with my high school students when they need it. Any moment of any day, someone may be finding comfort in these words.

  72. Thanks for posting this. I needed to read it today. I also really, really needed to laugh and those goats did the trick! Thanks for being awesome!!

  73. Well, I have my laptop connected to my tv. So when I watched the goats, it was very loud, and my dogs didn’t know what the fuck was happening. So that was like double happiness.

  74. Man. I have been in a deep, dark, ugly hole for a few weeks now, and only just now have started feeling better, and human, and able to navigate the world again. I’m so glad you’re here, and have created a place where other people can come to know they’re not alone.

    So, I went to go look for my favorite “Dancing Alone to Pony” video, but it’s been blocked. :-/ That video always brought me joy, and I has the sads that it’s gone. (There’s a Tumblr dedicated to people who dance alone to the song, btw; it’s pretty great: http://dancingalonetopony.tumblr.com/)

    That said, this only served to inspire me to dig deeper. The following, in no particular order, also bring joy (and may not be safe for work):

    https://youtu.be/cbUa1mFM-LM
    https://youtu.be/ViwtNLUqkMY
    https://youtu.be/I-yqvT8vKZc

    And any video with Jimmy Fallon and the Roots playing with kid instruments. Also, anything with kitties or puppies or goats. <3

  75. I think you should blame it on the alignment of the planets. Jupiter and Venus were in conjunction last week. I’m glad you are able to share. Helps the rest of us know we are not alone.

  76. Unfortunately, my squeeze is struggling, since he can’t work and is awaiting workers comp knee surgery approval. The one good thing that’s come out of it is that now he understands where I was last year, and that it will get better, even if it doesn’t feel that way today. In the meantime, I watch Richard Seymore punch Roethlisburger, or I watch the maple bacon dog, which I’ve included here, just for us.

  78. I have been having more anxiety-issues of late, but I’m working through them. Thank goodness for people who understand, like this group of amazing people, and you, Jenny!

    My kids being healthy, my husband, our sweet lovable pups, being off for the summer, and brownies in the oven make me happy. 🙂

  79. Exactly. You wrote exactly what I have been feeling. Thank you Jenny. Again.

  80. You just made me cry, just a few tears, because holy shit woman, YOU GET IT! I am so happy you’re finding joy again and reading your blog reminds ME that yes, there will be light again. We are glad that you are coming back to you!

  81. I don’t know the cause either but it has been an exceptionally difficult and dark few weeks here too. I know it will all eventually work out but right now my brain hurts, a lot and I am not sure whether to cry or scream. Coming here and seeing that I am not alone helps tremendously. <3

  83. I needed this today. Last week I sat and sobbed as if i would never stop. I wanted to cut like I used to because the physical pain seems better than the emotional pain. I’m slowly coming back and yesterday I received some joy. I finally got a full time special Ed teaching job. Love you Jenny. You’re magic personified.

  85. Hmmm it seems a lot of people around me are affected too and I don’t think they’re all the same people…
    I’m glad you’re getting better 🙂

  86. Thank you for this video. It absolutely turned my afternoon from “blah” to “hah”

  87. The fuck that meditation is fabulous…. Your timely post is timely… as today has been exceptional dark and difficult and yes I keep reminding myself depression lies. I also drew this on my wrist and I’m contemplating an actual tattoo… first ever. Looking at colorful butterfly wings. Thinking maybe wings in something Papilio. And that’s sort of my joy atm. And you… as i mentioned I would be over here going thru the blog in the way back machine and then today’s post is just super hitting it in the feels. Love you … I’m glad you are coming to the bright places.

    https://instagram.com/p/47N0F4SaWp/

  89. This summer is the first summer I’ve felt lots of joy. My 7 year old and I have gotten into massive Tetris and Dr. Mario battles. I taught my 5 year old how to swim. No real fighting, lots of reading and lots of fun. Just when I thought that everything was about as prefect as it could be, my husband gets laid off. I gotta take the good with the bad. It’s the only way to know how good the good can really be.

  90. I get migraines and stomach issues. I can’t believe I don’t have a massive stress ulcer(yet). This may be silly, but my good thing is that I recently started selling cute nail wraps. You’ve probably heard of them all over Facebook. This isn’t meant to be an ad, just sharing that it’s something for me to throw my energy into, I like the product, and it’s a very “feel good”, supportive group of people in a LOT of ways, that helps me keep my head above water. Crazy, but there ya go. Everybody’s got something. .

  91. I’m trying to remember that I am smart and capable and that I have achieved good things. I led my company to be ranked “Best of Boston” recently and my boss only used it as an opportunity to tell me how I am not doing well enough.

    I am trying to remember this is a huge accomplishment and just because he’s belittling it doesn’t mean I should.

    Currently this cat is making me feel better: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UoUEQYjYgf4

  92. in a former life ( that married phase 🙂 ) my then-husband’s anxiety just bugged the crap out of me. After 15 years in Al-Anon, I finally understand why this was not helpful to him. Thank goodness his lovely wife LizAnn ( an RN) helped him by suggesting that he get help. ( a side note: my ex is a sweetheart, a friend then and now. Lucky me 🙂 )

  93. I’ve had this mantra since 7th grade (nearly 5 decades ago!) and it has helped me hang in there: “Smile even tho you are depressed, you will be happy soon.” I wish you more and more smiles.

  94. Thank you for this. The past 18 months have been life-changing and very difficult for me, and this past week it seems like everything is finally catching up with me. I’ve struggled to dig myself out of an emotional pit and push off the depression that sits on my chest like a painful, constricting weight. The other day I was at a very low point, and I made the conscious decision to get up and move. Just physically move. So I threw on some running shoes and cranked up the treadmill. I should mention that I don’t like running…no, that’s a lie. I fucking hate running and I’m not very good at it. But I did it anyway. I plugged my earbuds into my ears and blasted rap filled with foul language and pounding beats (because I’m the worst middle aged white chick ever), and I ran. And ran. And ran. I ran until my muscles ached and so much sweat poured off of me that my son asked if I’d dumped a bucket of water on myself. I ran and I sang along to inappropriate lyrics, and when I stopped, I re-centered myself with yoga. And by the time I was done I felt…less empty. Less weighted down. Lighter in my heart and in my body. I’m not me again yet, but for a few hours after that I felt more like me. And the next day I got up and I did it again. Because I know deep down that I don’t belong under that weight.

  95. THANK YOU!!!!! I have been in a mental abyss I have not felt in so long that last few weeks and this post was like a beacon to me. While I’m going to have to take your word on there being a light there, I trust in your and your experiences to know it’s there.

  96. I’m a single mom of twin boys. My ex-husband quit us before they were 2 and chose not to be a part of their lives. There were good times and very dark times, but the 3 of us made it.

    My sons are 20 years old now. One saw the Dalai Lama last week and the other one is competing in an international choir competition. They are both so happy and that brings me great joy.

  97. Good to know I’m not alone. Last week was so hard and unbearable, but this week has been better which is so nice. Also? After watching that video I’m sure I was a goat in a past life.

  98. Here’s my happy for today. My daughter is getting a bunny for her 10th birthday. We’re picking him up today. He’s tiny and adorable. I guess that animals make me happy. We have 1 dog, 4 cats and now a bunny. Pretty soon I’m going to have to live on a farm!

  99. I just wanted to say that I’m a librarian, and today I got really excited, because as I was looking through the many book review magazines we have I saw a copy of your book, and went to go put it on our list to purchase, only to see that we already had two copies on the waiting list. It made me extremely happy that someone else at my job was just as excited as I am about your new book.

    In reply to your post, it made me think of this song, which has been going through my head all day today. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ii6kJaGiRaI The Mountain Goats “This Year”

    Because we’re going to make it, through this year, even if it kills us.

  101. What gets me through the dark times and brings me joy are two things, talking to my sons and rereading my best grad school papers and the professor’s comments. When I can’t find worth in myself and I feel hopeless I look at the 3 young men I have introduced to the world and I think about the contributions I can make to help other people as a social worker when I graduate.

  103. Thank you, thatashgirl, for the video. I’m pretty sure I need that on loop all the time.

    I’m finally starting to see some flickers of light ahead in my latest time down in the hole. This blog and the people who visit here are part of that, I know. I’m not alone. Depression lies. And this too shall pass.

  104. I go ride my bike. You do not need to purchase a bakfiets, load your kids in it, and lead 40 others on a ride across town to a splash park, but you can. Here is a photo of me doing just that in June.
    https://flic.kr/p/tJBDJ2

    PS — You are cordially invited to come to Portland, OR next June for Pedalpalooza, 3 weeks of bikey fun. I will gladly leave the kids at home with my husband to pedal you around and I swear I won’t tell everyone that it’s you so you can just be a woman in a bakfiets. Much love, thanks for helping others.

  107. My oldest went on summercamp for the first time eventhough she was terrified. Feeling how much I miss her ‘woke’ me up – hey, I am feeling things again!
    Seeing my youngest toasting marshmallows on an open fire with a friend made me smile – hey, I am smiling again! And tomorrow I am picking up my custom made ring with a stond which reminds me of my dear grandmother, after which I go out for the night with my husband because times are rough and we need to spend time together.

    And yes, suddenly I am all over the place. Something big is shifting. Hopefully for the better.
    love and Light!

  108. My hole that I’m slowly crawling out of was because the last weekend of June I attended two incredibly awesome (and very public) events that I was at from 10am until 4pm both days. Basically I used the spoons from those days and the week following and for every spoon I steal from future me it takes two to replace so I’m ALMOST back at regular again. I can do dishes!! Huzzah!

    The thing that is bringing me joy is finally discovering my passion in life (I’m 36, had enjoyed many things and was good at a lot but had never had a passion) and I am now turning that into a non-profit company.

  109. Baby goats are actually my default cheer-me-up video genre. This one is a fav.

  112. I love your blog so much, it brings me joy and oddly enough hope. Being a possibly deranged teen mum with depression can be quite scary, but knowing that there are people as amazingly funny and spectacular and odd as you out there who are struggling too gives me hope that I’m not alone and that I’ll learn to cope better and that I’ll be able to warp my daughter in just the right way to make her awesome. That and bohemian rhapsody. unless kanye sings it…. shudders

  113. My kids keep me going.
    Thanks for this, I needed this reminder today from someone other than myself.

  114. Jenny, you have no idea (well you probably do) how much I needed to read this this morning. Thank you.

  115. Maybe there is something in the air. My insecurities at home and at work have been screaming extra loudly in my head for the past month. The little joys have been my boyfriend buying flowers for no good reason (other than maybe he somehow knew I was feeling lousy and scared) and being proud of the fact that I’ve paid off enough of my credit card to comfortably splurge on two best friend girl trips before the end of the summer. Thank you to the commenter far above who said they’re falling in love with themselves. That is such a fantastic reminder, to love yourself!

  116. Thank you for sharing your struggles. I t helps me know I’m not alone, my daughters not alone. The birds and the sunshine bring us joy! Singing silly kid songs, painting, grass between our toes. And always hugs.

  118. My funny? Your giant metal rooster story, from years ago, is my go-to, bring a smile to my face when things loook bleak, must have item of the day. Knock-knock, motherfucker.

  120. I’m still deep in the darkness, Jenny. But your blog always helps to remind me that there is still light and most importantly that I’m not alone in this awful hole. Thank you for what you do.

  121. Jenny, thank you for writing this. The past weeks have been a deep dark hole for me. I blamed part of it on my daughter who wouldn’t make trip arrangements but it was more. Slowly the dark hole is getting shallower and I can see light but it’s awful when this happens. I’m actually looking forward to the trip now. I’m glad you are better and I totally get what you’ve been through. But somehow it ends and things get better but it sure doesn’t feel like it while you are going through it. Hang on to the screaming goat.

  123. I switched from oxycodone after knee surgery to tylenol and ibuprofen and crashed big time. I remember feeling so hopeless. Then I saw a preview for Hunger Games. I said out loud, “I don’t need a hero. I’m my own badass hero.” I took my walker to the foot of the stairs and made myself walk up the steps like a normal person. My PT later that afternoon couldn’t believe it when I raised my leg one inch above the couch. Yep. Turning that corner mentally was everything. It was like a switch.
    I treated myself to writing something new after working long and hard on a series. It’s cracking me up as I write it. A paranormal comedy. Think Betty White as the ghost…

  124. Jenny – I hope you know how much of a difference you are making in this world. Every day. I hope you know. The world is better because you are in it.

  125. So good. I wish I could get my mum to think like this. She suffers with depression but pretty much refuses to acknowledge or accept it for what it is. Yours seems to be such a healthy attitude.

  126. Thank you Jenny. It has been pretty dark lately and not a lot of space in between the dark times. This was exactly what I needed to hear at exactly the right moment. I am so glad to hear that you are climbing out of the hole.

  129. Huh. Me too. Mine is stress mostly from unemployment and the related feeling of being pointless and useless. One the one hand, I try to count every tiny victory. On the other hand, I try to step back and look at my whole reality. Seems to work for me.

  130. I literally remind myself to come here when things feel so empty. I always feel more everything in the summer bc I hate sunlight and heat. Thanks for reminding me that people do understand and that there may be a place where I don’t have to pretend, even if it’s a corner of the interwebs.

    Something that makes me happy is the girl scout indie go go account that tons of people donated to after the organization refused a donation that required transgender restrictions.

  131. It’s not just you. Believe me.

    I just want to add my current favorite video to the mix. In honor of Wimbledon, I found an old Japanese tea commercial featuring John McEnroe, Ivan Lendl, and Mats Wilander. Holy awkward dancing, Batman!

  134. I’ve been in a very dark place for weeks now. Thank you for being here and always reminding us all that we’re not alone.

  135. @bob_goldenretriever this instagram has given me feels lately. bob the golden retriever and his feathered friends!

  136. Not just you. I’ve been struggling a lot lately. I’ve given myself a timeframe to find something to be happy for. Some hope. I’ve been reading almost a book a day to reach my Goodreads yearly goal because I can’t leave something partially finished. Being an avid reader, and having loved your last book, I have to say that there is a big part of me that wants to give myself until September just so I can read your next book… Finding little things to make you want to see the next day, or the next month, is really all you can do sometimes. Thank you for being honest about your struggles. It’s one thing for professionals to tell you the dark will pass, but it is more more thought provoking and hopeful for someone else who struggles to tell you that as well. I hope the dark always recedes for you…and for the rest of us.

  138. So so happy you are emerging from the deep!When my peeps are feeling just defeated and flatter than flat I send them a Youtube of the Muppets doing one of their song remakes. I cannot possibly keep a straight face. Not a solution by any means, but a little slice of pure goofy wonderful.

  140. Aw, love the goats and glad the light is coming back for you. I’m hard pressed looking for joy, even small ones lately. Not sure if this link will work, but I recently captured a video of a mama bunny nursing her babies. It was a gift and a joy because she did this 3 feet away from me!
    https://instagram.com/p/3-AeImvkNl/

  141. Fantastic Jenny. It’s great that the light is getting brighter 🙂
    Your message that things do get better is very important and very helpful. Thank you.

  142. I find I get physically ill when I feel mine come on and I hate it because I know how it affects my family.
    But I find writing the stories for my site helps and eventually leads me out of it. Or if my kid sits on my head and farts that often does it too.

  144. or… draw shapes on the moon 🙂
    [img]https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=images&cd=&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0CAcQjRw&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.bunnyrabbitonthemoon.com%2F&ei=JdCeVfWAFouosAXcrovoBQ&psig=AFQjCNFHDC4F9iHUxJYmkM8fzTBleVwyHA&ust=1436557696360844[/img]

  145. I don’t really know how to thank you for this post, especially today. I’ve been in a rough place lately, and things have been chaotic and, of course, my body chose this week to remind me why I should be following up with my doctor about symptoms that are making him think I have some kind of auto-immune disease since my joints have ached so that I can hardly move. But then I read your post today, and I was reminded that depression and anxiety are lying liars, Icy Hot is a beautiful thing, and sometimes it’s okay to let your puppy dog sleep on your lap for two hours. Thank you, Jenny. Truly, and from the bottom of my heart.

    I even put on real clothes today.

  146. Thank you for the post! Honestly, every day that I make it in to work is a little accomplishment. Which happened today! ☺️. And I shared some good laughs with my coworkers. Being social can help to bring someone out of a funk for sure.

  147. This may seem stupid to some, but when I’m not in my hole, I write a few love letters to myself and seal them up in envelopes that read “Open in Case of Emergency.” When my depression flares up, I’ll take a note that I wrote to my future self and read it. It helps me remember that times do get better. But that’s just me, I guess.

  148. I have a YouTube playlist that helps when I need something ridiculous to make me laugh, even if it’s just for a moment:

  150. Depression has been getting the best of many of us lately. People are generally ticked off and unmotivated about everything. Me included.
    I will share my favorite mantra for your use as necessary, “In with Buddha. Out with Manson.”
    It helps.

  151. It’s not just you. Several groups of people I am involved in various groups with lately have agreed that it feels like something is wrong or off, or something is changing, or something is going to happen. It’s just a vague, unsettled feeling I’ve heard various people express lately. But until we all figure out what that’s about there is this
    Taylor Swift – I Knew You Were Trouble Goat Editi…: https://youtu.be/ujac8wi39vw|
    And
    Let It Goat – Original Full-Length Song: https://youtu.be/CusY2wTJE0g

  152. Thank you so much everyone. It must be something in the air. You know what always makes me laugh? Vultures. Seriously. Black vultures. Go to the “Adult call”. Black vultures sound like a dog saying “Woof!” Walking through my neighborhood once I thought I heard a small dog barking. I looked over and there was a yard full of vultures. I fell down laughing.

    http://www.allaboutbirds.org/guide/black_vulture/sounds

  153. I’ve mostly just been stressed for the past few weeks as a lot of things have goine really, really wrong. But here is one of the things that went right: http://youtu.be/0wxYm2USmx0

    The video shows a little stray kitten, paralyzed in her back end from being hit by a car, playing. Wasn’t sure she was going to make it when I picked her up, but she’s doing just fine!

  155. When I need something to perk me up I tend to hit YouTube and watch some of my favorite videos. If I’m at work I just go to Postmodern Jukebox’s channel and let it play while I work. Their music always makes me feel happy and chilled out.

    PS, I’m bookmarking this post to read the next time my world gets dark. Thank you for this. Thank you for lots of things.

  157. You’re right. It is a bit of a crap bit of time now. But it is better if it is shared like this, so the odd cackle can ooze out around the sides and surprise us all. Hooray for real clothes and mantras. x

  159. I live 3000 miles away from you. So, NO!!! it’s not just your circle or area of the world. I also deal with the public and see it every day. I combat this by not watching the news. I get 2 minute radio blurbs. I take pride in my 8yr old Katie that brings me childish joy. She makes me see the world from a simpler happier point of view. To Jenny and all of you suffering. I wish you some inner peace and self love.

  161. Hugs I’m so glad things are slowly getting better for you. Hang in there. I’ve been a little depressed this week, and just generally down on myself. But I hung in there, and I went to the gym TWICE! Not once, but twice! I’m pretty proud of that. And I haven’t resorted to comforting myself with cheap fast food; my fiance and I have cooked supper every night this week. I’m grateful this is one I could power through, and that I didn’t slide into crappy habits again. But I’ve been in those long-term emotional droughts too, and I’m thrilled to hear that yours is clearing. Be well. You’re a nifty lady.

  162. I needed this so much today. The anxiety has been creeping back in for the past few weeks and came back in full force yesterday. Thank you. Thank you. Today I am so thankful for this post and my friend C who asked me if I wanted to talk (I did) and then worked out with me. I feel a little bit lighter already.

  165. You are such a gift to the world. No telling how many people you have saved/encouraged/enlightened re depression and anxiety. Keep on.

  166. Something(S) that brings me joy:
    napping with my beagle George. He is all warm and soft and loves naps.
    Rubbing my yorkie Peggy’s belly. She loves it and I love her.
    Butterflies (or flutter bys as I call them)
    Flowers
    Bead shopping – I love shopping for sparkling crystals – I have more than I can ever use in earrings – but I still love looking & shopping for them.

  167. It happens to me too – the vision thing. My vision gets spotty, like things are floating around and that gives me anxiety because I can’t see properly and I think I must have eye cancer or something equally as terrifying. I usually pull out of the dark by summer, but this year has been the hardest so far. I do remind myself that depression lies, I try to drag myself out into the sunshine, but some days nothing is better than hiding under the covers. I am sending you good thoughts that the sunshine comes to you soon <3

  168. I like to sing and dance around my house when no one is looking. Usually to the show tune melodies like “My Favorite Things” except I change the lyrics to “Things That Piss Me Off”. Then I will dance around singing about the things that make me upset, and it makes me laugh, and at least for that moment I feel a little bit better. I find when I am “wallowing in the depths”, it is best to take advantage of those seldom and short lived moments when the light does peek through the clouds, and it helps to bring me out of it more quickly. Crazy, I know, but it works for me.

  169. thank you for the reminder. I am weeping as I read your post and write this comment, but I will trust that it is getting better. You are right, though, this seems to be a weirdly dark time for many of us who struggle. – I don’t know why, but in a weird way it helps to not feel so alone.

  170. Thank you for the hope. Lowest here, too. As well as many of my circle. The universe? It will get better. I will get better!

  171. Making things makes me happy. Even if they are sort of half-assed. I made a mobile a couple days ago out of a bunch of oyster shells I collected on the shoreline of New York Harbor (I was pretty happy to see them, because the city’s been trying to bring oysters back into the harbor for about 8 years now, and I could find 15 shells that were that big, that’s a good sign that the baby oysters they’re putting out there are growing up), and a stick. The thing is, though – I was GOING to use fishing line to tie them, but couldn’t find it. But I did find some thread. And I just decided to hell with it, the point is not to be perfect, and I sort of half-assed it, tying things up with thread and sort of punting with it. And it isn’t picture perfect – it’s crooked in places and you can see the dangling ends of the knots where I have them – but you know what, it kind of doesn’t matter, and it’s something I made that wasn’t there before. I used to collect a lot of kids’ craft kits for this reason, because they kind of AREN’T supposed to be perfect and it’s just a way to fool around.

    Making ice cream is also something that makes me happy. I have an ice cream maker that makes smaller batches so it’s pretty easy to have in the freezer at all times and make just enough homemade ice cream just for me.

  172. I’m glad you are feeling human again. June was a particularly bad month, not just for you, but for many dear people I know. A dear friend had to have brain surgery for a malignant brain tumor and had complications. And my husband, dearest friend, lifemate lost his 10 year battle with congestive heart failure and COPD. It was just a bad month all the way around. Our lives just STOPPED for a while but the world kept on turning and the sun continued to shine. Some days you put one foot in front of the other just to get through the day. Each day has held challenges and somehow you find the courage to just keep on keeping on. Hugs to you and I hope that you have more brighter days than dark ones.

  174. First… my little piece of joy is named Nikita. She is a 6 lb Chinese Crested Hairless dog (super fun because I get to dress her up in super cute clothes because she NEEDS them – if I can figure out how to email you a photo of her, I will) who has had so many healthy issues it breaks my heart. She was only supposed to be on this planet for 4 years, at least that is what the vet said when I rescued her at 9 months, but she just turned 9 years old. As bad as she is feeling some days, she always makes me smile. And laugh. She just keeps going, and her good days are REALLY good days that I get to be a part of. She brings joy to everyone who gets to know her.

    Second… I am one of those people you mentioned who is having trouble when I never used to. I think it’s the news (which I don’t watch anymore) and the speed at which we are expected to live. It stresses us out and makes us raw. Depression and anxiety have introduced themselves to me, and your blog helped me to recognize them for what they are. So thank you for that. It’s much less scary now.

  175. Thank you Jenny, I really needed to read this today. I’ve been having a really rough two weeks. Everything has been spiraling and its all so overwhelming. I cant decide if I need to scream or curl up into a ball and hide.

  176. I feel your pain. Say that in Bill Clinton’s voice and you will laugh. Makes me laugh, anyway, every time.

    I am proud that I am having a retrospective of my art quilts at my local art center. It makes me happy to see them on display.

  177. I am losing everyone I know to this struggle- My grandaughters bring me joy and remind me of all the really wonderful things in life before they are haunted by life. Your blog is amazing, thank you for sharing your life.

  178. I don’t know what it is either, but this has been a hard week. But I’m also spending it with my grandkids, so that makes me smile. My genes got into the next generation. My weirdness will survive!

  179. WHEN CATS ARE SAD

    Bartender: What’ll ya have?
    Cat: Shot of rum.
    [Bartender pours it]
    [Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
    Cat: Another.

  180. I have to put this somewhere: I slapped my daughter across the face today. She’s eight. I lost my temper. I hate summer holidays so much, I just can’t cope.

    I am so glad you’re hanging in there and feeling better. Thanks for sharing with us.

  181. I was in a dark pit a few years ago, and it was exactly as you describe: a lie that seems all too real for the moment (or day or week or year). And you know it’s a lie. But still it’s so hard. And, somehow, you’re not exactly sure how, you get through it. On the other side is so beautiful and happy and feels almost weird, and the happy weirdness of everyday things become even happier for it.

    And you look at the people you love and know they held you up, even when it seemed like you were alone. And you don’t think twice about the people who weren’t there, because you are too busy laughing and hugging the ones who were! 🙂

    And you hold little pieces of this sunlight for the next dark time, and don’t worry about when it will come. You just (as you so rightly say) breathe.

    very big hugs With love,
    – H

  182. Thank you for this. I opened Feedly and this was the first thing and I needed to read this today of all days. Thank you.

  184. I was thinking when you were saying how you wish you could tell week-ago-you that it’s going to get better…maybe we should all make videos when we are happy talking to our depressed-selves, telling them all about how depression lies, even when it feels like the truth, and that one day soon we’ll be able to laugh at goats screaming like humans again. Then we can watch them when we are in that hole and be like, well, maybe depression really is lying.

    Something that is making me happy right now is the fact that in a few months I will be graduating with my Master’s degree in International Counseling Psychology…in Mexico. Depression is a lying bastard piece of shit. When I was in my darkest time in my life, I never thought I would live this long, much less be able to live by myself in Mexico and get a Master’s degree. I’ve showed that bastard. =)

  185. I am going on vacation with just my little family starting tomorrow. Although that stresses me (bc, well, I’m me), it makes me happy more.

  186. You have such an awesome family here. Thank you for bringing us out of the woodwork and coaxing us into sharing little bits of joy or pain or both. I always smile when I read through the hundreds of comments.

    When I get down the energy and humor is simply gone, like a pond that has evaporated. I’m left watching a few fish flounder in a few inches of water and praying for rain.

    Today I’m up. Some days I’m not. I feel like I complain too much about the darkness already so I simply try and stuff it down inside and wait for the rain without making a stink.

  187. Glad things are looking up for you. The hole my family is in is so deep. So damn deep. My five year old niece drowned the day after her 5th birthday. Combine that with a natural tendency towards depression – and it’s rough. Grief + depression isn’t pretty. I’m proud of the way my family has supported each other. I’m proud of the way we’ve tried to turn our tragedy into some good, through supporting TX Equusearch and spreading the word concerning drowning prevention. I’m so thankful for your post. I’m proud of the amazing strength and resilience shown by those who battle the black dog. Thank you for your post.

  188. sadly it’s not just you. I lost my job on May 15th and don’t qualify for unemployment. Since that time I’ve been without running water, money, or my prescriptions for my depression. I finally got a job but it’s 2 weeks till I get a paycheck, then 3 mos before I can get health insurance again. There really are not handouts or help where I live. I get to use the internet at the library and have exhausted all my avenues for finding help. Hopefully someday our country will be able to provide medication for those less fortunate who need a helpful hand in times of need. I don’t want to end up another statistic of depression. I hope you pull through and feel better soon.

  191. I read these posts and try to relate, in reverse, because it’s not me. My much loved and wanted daughter is a schizo-affective bi-polar that psych meds have never helped. To watch this train wreck for decades and not be able to do anything about it is a special kind of torture. I wish we had a support group.

  193. My light is knowing I’m not alone. Also, my dear friend’s blog: warforbreakfast.com

  194. It’s not just you. Despite the fact that I am medicated and therapy-ized (of course that’s a word, damn it, spellcheck) to the gills, I have still been feeling unbalanced and thisclose to curling up in a closet and whimpering for the past few weeks. What I did think was just me, though, was vision changes related to depression. I swear, when my depression really kicks in, even the brightest blue sky honestly looks darker to me. It’s like my eyes are filtering out the light all around me.

    What brings me joy? Yoga. Books. Making stuff (I glue tiny beads onto wine corks in little, delicate patterns). Wine. Reading your blog and being reminded that the light is out there.

  195. Yea,the hole was deep this time.next time I’m down there I’ll look for you.

  196. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. This is what I needed to read today and every day until my darkness passes.

  197. I agree that hole seems to be deeper than it has been for a while. I know it’ll pass but right now, don’t know when? Thanks Jenny for saying what I’ve been thinking.

  198. Trying to climb out of a hole myself. What brings me joy? When my budgie Jack says, “I’m Super Jack!” Or when he commiserates with me and says, “I’m sorry. Oy!” Never fails to bring a smile.

  199. Joy. I’m kind of in the hole right now, but I finished a sewing project last night. I have twin granddaughters who will be 18 months old in August, and I invented and made little backpacks for them in girly colors so when they start walking into daycare instead of being carried, they have their own little bags. It is good to be able to make something pretty, even if I haven’t changed clothes in four days.

  200. I can’t tell you how much your bold honesty means to me- how much strength it gives me to know I am not alone. Thank you!

  201. MELTDOWNS! ALL OF THE MELTDOWNS! I’ve felt it, my partner and my best friend are feeling it and my colleagues definitely are as they are bitches/assholes from hell right now (more so than usual – they’re pretty gross anyway on any given day). I have had to tell myself a bajillion times that depression is lying to me. That my tap dance squad needs me. That my puppies need me. That my best friends and family would be sad and so confused without me. I saw ‘Let’s Pretend This Never Happened’ sitting on my friend’s coffee table after a particularly rough night and said – “did I give that to you?” and the answer was no… but I went on and on about how she should pick it up right then and there (she’s struggling right now too).

    Thank the heavens for this site, you, Jenny, and all of you commenters and commiserators (spelled that wrong, definitely). I needed this and I thank you all.

    My joy is found in the beauty of New Orleans and tap – especially when accompanied by Richard Simmons! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qVt2Lgy4DhU&feature=youtu.be

    And my wiggle butt pibble, who is going through chemo for lymphoma (which is almost always terminal in dogs). She has a smile for me always, no matter what! https://www.facebook.com/SaveAnAngel/photos/a.145174882178116.24027.139538409408430/1087932434569018/?type=1&theater

  202. recovering from surgery (corrected a 4 year problem, so yay, but yeah it was surgery) and had a surprise care package from my awesome cousin – so had 2 and a half hours of earl grey tea, raspberry cordials and Pitch Perfect – marvelous!

  203. I am a veteran with PTSD from sexual trauma. I have been waiting a year for my disability rating appeal. My attorney seems to have dropped the ball, but my senator Sherrod Brown, did not & has expedited my rating increase eval. Got that call today. I posted that in a Veteran disability group and a hot young Costa Rican US Marine veteran friended me, then started hitting on me & sent me dick pics. Isn’t that hawt!?!? I’m 47! Hahahahaha!!!!!! I kinda lectured him on treating a sister-veteran like a cum dumpster. It’s a mad mad mad mad world.

  204. A friend lost her battle with the Lies on Tuesday. Thank you for this, Jenny.

    This is a wonderful Tribe–I’m glad there’s a place for me here. Love you all.

  206. What keeps me going, brings me joy: my kids. My husband, most of the time (he’s human, and sometimes the urge to bury him in the yard is almost irresistible), and music.

    This is one of the songs that I turn to when I’m feeling like I’m going to finally be crushed by life.

    I can’t help starting to bop along.

  208. Oy. I hear you. Lots of bees buzzing loudly in my head (rapid cycle).
    But the silly things:
    Finding work clothes that aren’t sleeveless. How much joy I had in finding cap-sleeved dresses and shirts. No one at work needs to see my ham hocks.
    Fixing my son’s necklace that holds his band “dog tags.” Perhaps using CrazyGlue wasn’t the smartest thing (who knew it would melt faux leather?) but it made it so he can change his uniform without losing the medallions.
    My mom who did my laundry during her recent visit. Perfectly folded on my bed with a note, “Sorry I didn’t get it all done. There is still a load in the dryer.” Spoiled 48-year-old.
    The inordinate amount of laughter at the use of the word “poop” in the pre-op educational videos I have to watch before my hysterectomy.
    And this:

  209. That video is always one of my favorites. I just love the screaming goats like no tomorrow. I think what finally made me a bit happier is that I finally got up the courage to ask for a shift change at work. It’s been over here that I have been on the night shift with no complaint, and I finally got up the courage to ask if I can have a shift where I can have a life. Probably won’t happen, but the fact that I got up the courage to ask big step for me. So, in the words of London Tipton from the suite life of Zack and Cody, “YAY ME!” Lol

  210. Sooo… I was told I should decorate my cubicle and I thought I would buy this adorable throw rug, because cats are very welcoming and warm. Oh crap how do I add a photo.

  212. “Road to hell paved in unbought stuffed dogs. Not my fault.”
    (Ernest Hemingway, “The Sun Also Rises”)

    I think you should use this quote the next time Victor resists a taxidermied acquisition.
    “I need this because of Hemingway and also because reasons.”

    I love you. Keep going, we need you here.

  213. It has been especially bad the past few weeks here too. It helps knowing it’s not just my little corner.

    And my happy thought for the day was my sweet youngest son hugging me and saying, “You know what Mom? You’re not the worst.”

    Keeping the bar low. 🙂

  215. Mine has been particularly fun lately. I have awful insomnia, can’t walk very well, can’t climb anything, can barely drive, get dizzy and nauseated when standing, keep mixing up words, can’t spell worth a damn (keep misspelling words phonetically? like ‘teature’ instead of ‘teacher’, wtf?), can’t remember anything, write the same thing twice in a row, have the goddamn semi-permanent hiccups (began last night), random horrible GI problems, and so forth. I wrote about it here: http://adrasteiaslabyrinth.blogspot.com/2015/07/so-im-officially-retarded-now.html, which doesn’t include the hiccups as they showed up after I wrote this. I never misspell words

    Judging by the symptoms, it’s either side effects from the Lamictal I’m on to keep from killing myself or a goddamn brain tumor. I’m going with side effects since they seem about a jillion times more likely. These things showed up all at once, and I’ve since dropped the meds down, but I suspect it’ll be a while before they go away. And then what to do? I’ve tried all sorts of drugs. I’m kind of sick of it. This shit is almost worse than the problem it’s supposed to fix. Maybe just ditch it and a whole bunch of Klonopin? I don’t know. It’s aggravating and I hate it. This’ll be a particularly fun circus when the next depressive crash hits. We HAAAAAAAATES it, Precious.

    Good luck, everyone. group hug

  217. You are not alone. The dark hole is a lonely place. And sometimes even the “one” thing making you hold on isn’t even enough, but as you said ,you keep on breathing and pushing through even if you can’t figure out why. And yes, something has aligned in the universe lately to make life harder for some reason. And the lucky humans who have not been down the dark hole ( it could happen) can never really understand until they are there. Every time I go down, I go deeper, but I learn from it. Some day I may not come back, I see that. I do not scare myself anymore, I own the power I have over my possible choices. We love you. And you make me laugh until I cry ( good tears). We are here and you can say whatever you need to say, we get it.

  218. I’m glad there is light coming in to your darkness. I also have been having more work related stress anxiety so I always feel like the building is going to fall on my head or something wonderfully catastrophic. I actually find ze frank’s sad cat diary wonderfully twistedly funny so I watch that when I feel bad. It may be old in viral video terms but still makes me happy in a wonderfully twisted way.

  219. I’m going to pain therapy now and was challenged to create even if I didn’t feel like it, because I don’t feel like it. I feel like sleeping and reading and sleeping some more. So I did what he said and I made this:

    Apparently I needed a bear too last week. Now if I sell her, I can buy the tools he wants me to use to therapize myself.

  221. You. You bring me joy. I’m reading this from a hospital bed where I’ve been put because I have shingles and staph and bronchitis and pleurisy. Reading this made me smile

  222. Little tears. Me too, this past week or so has just been the worst in a looooong time.

  224. Tinykittens, Double-nosed Wonder Cat, and Henri give me joy. Plus, of course my own 3 dogs and 7 cats who are excellent

  225. No matter how bad things get, I can’t help but smile when I hear from my grandson. He’s always happy to talk to me, and his smile lights up the laptop screen, and his “Cramma!” is music to my ears, and for a little while, at least, the sun comes out.

    (Cramma, because he can’t say the G sound, lol)

  226. I was looking for some nifty quote from my blog (I have a quote section)
    Then I looked on YouTube in my “Favorites” to find something good.
    Nothing. But then again, it’s a bad day. Dunno why. But I don’t have to explain that do I. That’s a statement and not a question, because I know that everyone here gets it. When I say “today just sucks and I don’t know why” y’all get it. And that’s comforting. And this blog entry is comforting. And Jenny, your words are comforting. So. Ok. Today sucks. Tomorrow will hopefully be better.

  229. Thank you. I needed this.
    You’ve probably already seen it, but this gif makes me laugh. I feel exactly like this from time to time:
    http://imgur.com/gallery/vdLE8dJ
    Now, if you will excuse me, I’m going to go play a round of laptop frisbee. Garrr.

  230. I’m so glad you are doing better. As a fellow sufferer of depression and anxiety I’ve been there. At one point I tried to kill myself. I think I was suffering a little PTSD as well. I say a little not to trivialize but my psychiatirst tells me there is a spectrum now. I was crazy in my 20s and 30s. Very high functioning, stayed employed (amazingly) and was never homeless. So I consider myself very lucky in that way. But there were many, many dark days. But I want to say that it did get better. My life has improved. I still am not in a relationship which I always think I do want. But the right man has not come along. But my life has gotten better. The meds I am on do work. And I hope it continues. And I hope your wellness will continue as well. Depression lied to me. I know it lies to you.

  233. I’ll share a quote:
    “It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it than to be sane and have one’s doubts.” – G.B. Burgin

  235. My cheerful thought is odd, but somebody will probably understand it. I got a therapist type person this week. I have an appointment for Monday, and the Ritalin, believe it or not, added to my anti-depressants, along with an anti-enhancer, has helped my anxiety greatly. I still have the bad depression and what has become a severe case of social anxiety, but I can see a way out. So I’m just focusing on not having mini-breakdowns, and hoping tomorrow is better (it will be, I’m getting a tall bookshelf for my room! made in Denmark! solid pine! no more removing 10 books to get to one! enjoying the simple things! FURNITURE!)

  239. Jenny, you’ve made me laugh so many times but today you brought me to tears. This was EXACTLY what I needed today.. I’ve felt like everyone is yelling and yelling and no one is listening. People I love have said some hateful things. I can’t wait to laugh easily again. Thank you for the encouragement. You are a bright spot in my dark little day and it’s comforting to know I’m not alone.

  240. Due to unfortunate circumstances I had to leave a research group; after wallowing for a day I made myself put my adult pants on (The kind with responsibility sewn into the pockets, not the kinky kind) and go talk to another professor about his research. Now he’s helping me find the right research for me.
    I’m really proud of myself for pushing forward even though I felt like hiding in netflix and domesticity.

  241. I have been I the “hole” for the past couple weeks and I have been slowly climbing out. I don’t know if it’s that I lost my job in February and just don’t feel like I am contributing like I use to. Or if I just feel wrong, but as I was coming back, my best friend (who’s 9month pregnant) lost her grandmother (93) to illness then a week later her brother to suicide. It reminded me that the darkness is an asshole and lies. But some loss out every time it hits. For the rest of us we it just means we have to kick a bit harder to reach the air.

  244. “I can see clearly now the rain has gone. I can see all obstacles in my way. Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind. It’s going to be a bright, bright, bright shiny day.” I love music and sometimes I just need to drown my head in music . Keep fighting Jenny! Another thing I like is sad cat diaries on YouTube.

  245. You’re wonderful. I am so glad you write and give people hope and that you find your way out of the hole every time.

    Lately I like to listen to this song to cheer me: https://youtu.be/ZS0WvzRVByg. I struggle with staying balanced and my boyfriend is great about telling me when the negative self-talk is winning. I love the lyrics as a reminder to see myself someone who loves me sees me. Plus the video has George Ezra competing for screen time with Sir Ian McKellen which is happy on its own.

    https://youtu.be/ZS0WvzRVByg

  247. I’ve been reading for a few weeks, you’re the the only person I know that gets it. Thanks.

  250. It’s nice to know it is not just me. Not sure why I suddenly got down a few weeks ago. But I did. But I know #depressionlies and #Insomniatorments. So I called the doc to get an earlier appointment, I think of all of you and I think about how much Jenny has helped us. Each day seems to be getting brighter. Hell, today I made it until writing this comment before I cried! Baby steps, but I know it gets better.

  251. I’ve been arguing with a client refusing to pay for services rendered. He treated to distribute my emails as retaliation for filing a complaint at the BBB and today I told him I don’t give a flying fuck what he does with my emails. That felt really freaking good. Lots of joy in that moment 🙂

  252. A couple of days ago, I got a phone call from my daughter who needed to hear my voice, to help stop the downward spiral that was building. I know the cycle, and I wish I could distract everyone who hits that trough, and lift them out using humor and distraction. Maybe it was the moon phase; the last couple of nights I couldn’t sleep at all. This, coming from the person who buoys up the members of my family who regularly flounder. Looking forward to the next book, Jenny!

  253. As always, the comments are a beautiful playground of not-alone-ness.

    The past few weeks have sucked. I’ve been a raging harpie of depression and anxiety and general tension. It’s a lot better than it’s been, because after a year long depression hole in which i managed to get absolutely nothing done, i am working on meaningful things that i believe in and that matter to me.
    It’s really hard to tell normals how frikkin proud you are of what you’re doing when they a) don’t think making films is a worthwhile thing to do and b) they have no frame of reference for “I did a decent amount of things although my brain was screaming that everything is meaningless for most of the time in there”

    Anyway. Proof that i have been dong a decent amount of things and am fucking smiling in spite of myself: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Az9mC4nxduI

    And song (in German, sorry) of band that’s been making me love life even in the midst of dark thunderclouds of crazy lately: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N4fQoKP4WLQ (The title translates to “The best is yet to come”)

    I love you all

  254. I was in the darkest hole I’ve ever been This month and I was at the point where my family was going to commit me if something didn’t change. I decided I would do something so completely different from my lifestyle that they would take it as a sign that I was better. I joined a gym. My thought process was “I can’t be any MORE miserable. This is the bottom.” I’ve gone everyday and today I even jogged. I’ve never jogged before. It gets better.

  255. It brings me joy that there are so many kinds of tea. I like lemon ginger a lot. And the one called Smooth Move brings it’s own special sort of joy.

  256. I spent all fall and winter and into the spring in darkness and the one thing that kept giving me small bits of happiness was watching the birds at the bird feeder outside my window. Keeping the feeder filled was a small enough task that it didn’t feel like a burden, unlike cooking dinner for my family, which is usually a joy for me, and watching the birds eat the seeds I provided made me feel useful. And they’re cute and cheerful.

  257. Thank you so much for this, it’s exactly what I needed.
    When depression gets heavy, and anxiety starts throwing punches, my horses are the only thing that can bring me back. Music, art, coloring, movies, they help, but the horses quiet that angst inside of me. My big mare loves to breath on my face, and there’s just something about warm horse breath that is so comforting.

  260. WHAT IS IT ABOUT JULY?!? Yeah, the last 2.5 weeks have been aweful. Pain and sobs and OMG I can’t go back to being a blithering idiot breakdown! fear that kept the spiral going down.
    Monday I posted on facebook that it seemed things were better and “as Jenny Lawson says, “Depression Lies”.”
    My niece from a state away responded “I LOVE JENNY!” (I never knew) reading that I laughed, out loud! So, you see Jenny, you helped me out of my funk!
    /huggums and thanks
    Johnnie

  263. I needed this today. After a night of insomnia and wandering around my house all night, and scratching a giant hole in my scalp, and eating everything in my kitchen. And then I just accidentally itched my estrogen patch off my belly because it gives me hives. And it was suppose to last until Saturday. And I know I’m already out of whack and know it’s just going to get worse… But… It will get better. Meds will eventually be balanced and those darn planets will stop aligning or disaligning. And the moon will explode like the Death Star… and I will find glee in the little things like my iPhone autocorrecting “Death Star” to be properly capitalized…
    Thank you Jenny. You are so awesome.

  264. Light on the other side…I must admit, sometimes it is made even sweeter by the darkness. It is only then that you really understand and appreciate it.

    Jenny…something makes me feel relatively confident that you will appreciate this form of meditation:
    https://youtu.be/92i5m3tV5XY

    So glad you’re coming through. <3

  265. Thank you Jenny!! I needed this today. You aren’t alone. I have been in the worst place of my entire life for the last 2, almost 3 weeks now. And this is after having fought and survived breast cancer at the age of 33 two years ago. At this point I see no end in sight but I know that some day, it will get better.

    What brings me joy? Why, Beyonce of course! Knock, knock Mother-Fucker!!

  266. Thank you. Really. I have been spiraling down the hole again. Today was so physically hard. I forced myself to clean but was all over the place. Forced smiles and small talk with the family. So much going on and I cannot get my thoughts or feelings straight. I just spent 45 minutes crying and talking to my husband. I hate feeling this way. I called to make a Therapist appointment. If only I had the energy to type everything that has been going on recently. The thought of sharing everything exhausts me already. Your reminder that we have been there and that there are more laughs to be had -gives me hope. I just had dinner with a close friend last night who is divorcing her husband. While he battles his own demons, after her announcement he ran off with a loaded gun to a remote location. Thankfully the police got to him. Your writing hit every nail on the head. It helps in some twisted way to know that others are dealing with the darkness too.

  269. IT IS NOT JUST YOU. And I can clearly see it is not just me either. I feel (a tad bit) better knowing that.

  270. I’m so glad I found this site, because now I know I’m not alone.

  271. You are loved, and you ARE needed! You help so many of us with your wit, your warmth, and your struggle – and if we can be here for you, then we will! hugs

  272. i received an emotional sucker punch a couple of days ago, and… Thank you for this post. I needed to hear (read?) it. 🙂

  273. Today at a court-ordered mediation, my ex-husband and I came to an agreement about custody of our daughter! A year of anger and resentment melted away when he agreed to conditions and I made compromises. Yay!

  275. I thought I was the only one feeling this way lately. The last few weeks have been very dark for me too. Glad you are feeling better. Hopefully, the clouds will lift from my vision soon. Love your writing – so honest and true. Thank you.

  276. Sometimes you choose to wallow but more often the wallowing chooses you. When that happens, all you can do is wait until the wallowing gives you a chance to get out. I know I’ve been there.

  277. Always glad to hear there’s light at the end of the tunnel.
    You are incredible, hang in there.

  279. I don’t know what took me so long, but I just discovered your blog. Some other day I’ll give you my story, but for today…
    My cat just rolled over. Her name is Penny. Right now she’s sitting at my feet while I watch an episode of Law and Order I’ve seen a million times. She just turned over and curled up her paws. That’s as close as I can get to joy right now. I really needed to real your blog today. Thank you.

  281. Just discovered your blog. Sorry I’ve been missing it. I really needed to read it today. Don’t have much joy to share at the moment though. But reading you helps. Thanks.

  282. Thank you for being so open and honest about your struggles. I have not been able to discuss my personal battles with anyone yet. I just don’t think my family will understand. They will try to convince me I’m wrong or to send me somewhere to be “cured.” Your posts help me feel like I’m not alone and they keep me fighting.

  284. Thank you for speaking out about depression. We need more people to do that and get rid of the stigma. I’m in the hole so deep right now, that I can’t see anyone else… To know if they are struggling or not. But, this is something I will come back to. To help me remember that I’ve gotten through it before, and I’ll do it again. Thanks.

  287. You always post these when I need them most. I have also been in the hole the past couple of weeks. I usually don’t realize it until I’m so far down, I can’t see the way out. My vision changes too… Everything seems to have a filter… It’s all muted, dimmed, not as many colors are visible. Then, one day, I am seeing all of the colors again and am amazed at the beauty.

    As far as joy, I love to sing. For many years, I have sung in choirs and solo recitals. I started taking voice lessons from an amazing teacher after a long hiatus… I have to make myself go every week, but when I’m done, I feel special. I feel important. I feel like I can accomplish something. I feel that I have an amazing talent, something that I am truly good at. If you have anything in your life that makes you feel that way, make yourself do it. If you don’t have anything like that, find it. Don’t stop looking until you do. It is so worth it. Love to you, Jenny, and to all of your friends, family, and readers. You are all amazing.

  289. So first off, thanks for making me cry, but in a good way. I had such a horrible week with people sending me spiraling into an even deeper pit (fun fact: getting angry at someone who is in the midst of a panic attack and making them feel worse? Not really suggested!) and this is exactly one of the things I needed to read. I have been getting steadily better since the beginning of the week, though there was a point I honestly wished I was not here anymore.

    (It passed, as it always does, but it always scares me when it’s there.)

    But you asked for a joy, so I will say this: I am seeing a therapist again after struggling to get back into it (I was scared, I know I was). I am talking to doctors who will help guide me to figuring out how to get myself straight. I am being more assertive than I ever have been because I – and anyone posting here – is worth it. While my family struggles to understand me, I am blessed, so blessed, to have a handful of friends that are there for me and know exactly how to help me like I know how to help them when they hit crisis modes.

    I am blessed, even if I don’t feel like it sometimes.

    And on that note, when I am in a really dark place, I usually at some point have this song on loop for a while. Thanks, Parks and Rec, for introducing me to a song that literally has become a bit of a mantra:

    [youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dn5jVp-jrVE&w=420&h=315%5D

    All will be well / Even after all the promises you’ve broken to yourself / All will be well / You can ask me how, but only time will tell

    This weekend I will push myself to go to the ocean and sit for a while. It’s so close and it’s been far too long.

  290. Man, I’ve been in the hole, too. Finally had a good cry tonight, and am starting to feel the tiniest bit like myself again.

    As for things that make me happy, I love to see my friends, who I haven’t seen much of lately. I love spending time with my sister, who lives in a different state, and I love my cat, who, thankfully, seems to love me back. I love laughing, and I love charming movies like Amelie, or The Secret of Roan Inish.

    And I love your blog and your book, and the way you’re always looking ahead to when it gets better, even when you’re in the darkest depths of the hole we can find.

    Thank you for the honesty of your struggle, the one that many of us share, and thank you for reminding me that I really will find the light again, even when it seems like the sun has burned up completely,

  292. I normally don’t comment and stay against the wall but your Moon comments are so spot on. I take meds daily but a full moon Effs my whole day up. Thank u! Your words and encouragement keep me going on tough days. Feels great to also speak out and know I’m not alone. Thank u. Normally I would just hide behind my cat under a blanket

  293. So much love to you Jenny! When I am in the hole, I go outside & breathe the fresh air & look at the trees and the birds and the clouds. It sounds cliche, but it is the one thing I know I can do when it gets really hard. And it always helps, even if only a tiny bit. That light at the end of the tunnel can make all the difference. XO

  295. I often feel down for no apparent reason. I can’t explain it, can’t quantify it, but it’s definitely real, & usually accompanied by physical pain, headaches, frustration, & a sense of hopelessness.

    Sometimes when this happens, I get just a glimmer of joy & hope from my dog.

    My dog’s name is Harry, & he’s a rescued ex racing greyhound.

    To see him running around at the free roam park, just for fun, just enjoying doing what comes naturally almost never fails to put a smile on my face, even though I’ve seen it hundreds of times, even though it happens almost every day; seeing the joy he has living in the moment, & seeing how happy he is to come back to me for a cuddle afterwards almost always makes my day.

    I live with (I refuse to fall into the trap of saying I suffer with) ASD, Anxiety, Bipolar, PTSD, & a number of other issues; but it’s really a matter of making the effort to enjoy the precious moments of joy & happiness, living in the moment, & letting the pain, worry, & suffering fade into the background, even if it’s only momentary.

    it doesn’t take all the difficulties & hardships away, but it helps to put everything into perspective, & makes you realize no matter how bad things get, there is always something good going on in my life.

    So I guess what it comes down to is make sure you do something enjoyable, or notice the little good things in your life to put things into focus & perspective.

    To do otherwise is to surrender to the darkness inside, & the darkness only gets stronger if you let it win.

  296. I saw Ally Brosh on Tabletop with Will Wheaton the other day, and it made me very happy. I know she’s been down the hole herself more than once, and to see her playing games and having fun was a joy. Actually, watching Will’s other show, Titansgrave, has been good for me, too. We watch when one particular Spare Child gets to come over and watch with us, and it’s a great bonding experience (and an excellent excuse to get her to come visit).

  297. Jenny, thank you for being so open about your life. Finding this blog was the best thing that ever happened to me. It made me realize that their are people out there who are going through the same things I am and maybe, just maybe, I don’t have to fight this fight alone. Plus you’re weird, and I like weird people. They hep me think that I’m normal. Something that brings me joy is the T.V show Supernatural. I’m one of those crazy obsessed fan-girls. For me, it’s a chance to escape, a least for a little while. And I’m also currently reading your book, which has made me laugh a lot.

  298. I think people might be suffering more right now, but more people are becoming braver about speaking out and letting others know that they are in pain. I think brave people like you, coming out with your mental health issues, are making it possible for others to be more open and admit they are in pain. Thank you.

  299. It is not just you. I feel the same way right now. I have truly never felt this low and alone before. Thank you for speaking truth. It is hard not to listen to the lies.

  301. Joy=My husband, our two daughters, playing “rockinfunkyfolkgrass” on my bluegrass ukulele, singing, reading the wonderful and good words in the bible (love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, kindness, and self control), REAL Love, happy endings, laughter, humming birds, eating real butter with a spoon, ribeye steak cooked only by my husband who can make the BEST steak in the world, traveling by car, vacations in the mountains, RIVERS, the smell of rain (I read somewhere that children say that is what God smells like), children playing, coloring with the dark colored crayons–not the light colored ones, listening to thunderstorms, driving with the top down in the autumn, the entire season of Autumn, Hershey’s chocolate, tulips (any and all colors), watching old cop shows (Columbo, Manix, Starskey and Hutch), listening to old timers playing music together…….and so much more…..(depression IS a liar). Thanks for the words. T:)

  302. My most favorite thing for those days when I feel invisible is reading your story about Beyonce the metal chicken. That never fails to make me laugh. It makes me smile just to think about it. You bring a lot of light and laughter to a lot of people, Jenny.

  303. Such a coincidence that this week I was beginning to feel like I’m falling back down into the deep hole. I thought I was making so much improvements in the past 2 weeks with no depressing thoughts or panic attacks. Yet this week, everything just went bleak again. I don’t understand it. I’m at a lost again and I don’t know how to stop feeling that way. But your goat video made me laugh a good hearty laugh. Made me forget about the dark thoughts for awhile. So thanks for that Jenny. Let’s all keep fighting!

  304. You are amazing! And I am amazing! I’m finally growing my ice cream business with a larger production space and an even larger bank loan……yay for debt! And ice cream!

  305. The past few weeks have been awful for me as well. I’ve attributed it to getting ready to move 1/2 way across the country, selling our house and issues that have arisen with that. This post came at the best possible time. Thank you.

  306. I know that hole. I think I had a catastrophic PMS problem, personally. Now that I am post menopause I am much better. I felt better on Wednesday because I canned a shitload of red raspberry jam and jelly.

  307. I think it is a general funk – everyone I know has been raw and edgy – me included. We HAVE had a lot of rain and with rain comes those kind of emotions. Maybe it’s the earth trying to cleanse herself and us too.

  310. July 2015 has a Blue Moon – full moon on July 1 and on July 31. I’ve decide the entire month of July is just screwed.

  311. When I get to feeling down and depressed I watch an episode of Dirty Jobs with Mike Rowe. I know you can appreciate putting your arm up a cow’s ass to check for gestation. It’s then that I realize that it could always be worse.

  312. Wow! I am glad it was not just me! I do have to say that things started feeling much better and brighter yesterday, but I have been having some lower times the last few months. I am still working on medication tweaks for my depression, which helps because I know this might NOT be as good as it gets, but the last few days have felt like a weight has been lifted. I think it helps that the sun is shining here in PA today! And the humidity has gone away for a day as well.

  313. Thank you SOOOOOO much for this post, I really needed the reminder. Yes, life seems to have sucked extra hard the last couple of weeks, and since I avoid the media like the plague, and don’t spend much time on FB, I’m going to say there is just something out of whack in the universe.

  314. @Psychobabble That TED talk was wonderful. Thank you! wanders off to look into SuperBetter

  315. I’ve been noticing a lot of semi colon posts on my Facebook lately, and I think it’s such an amazing reminder. Also, based on the number of posts, I think you and your circle isn’t the only one struggling. Let’s blame climate change. Everything seems to be caused by climate change.

  316. Beautiful, as always. And you are right – there’s something up with the moon or the planets or karmic gods; it’s been a rough couple weeks for me as well. Not the worst, but low points are a nightmarish, awful, place no matter the magnitude.

    Thank you for this.

  317. Jenny, you’re so wonderful at expressing the things that I can’t put into words. This entry really helped me. Thank you for that. Something I did three days ago that I’m very proud of was getting a job and actually GOING for the first time in nearly 3 years. I love my job, and I hated that my anxiety had me housebound, and so I don’t ever want to go back to that dark place. Last night on the drive home I had a panic attack, but I just kept breathing. Got home fine, but exhausted. This morning? Scared of my car but GETTING IN IT!!! Your post helped. Thank you again for being the wonderful you that you are.

  318. Thank you, Jenny- We all love you!! SO glad you’re starting to feel better again.

  319. Jenny, it’s happening here too. Last week was brutal for my family, my loving parents who worship each other were on the verge of separation and my aunt, who has Alzheimers, was having such a terrible week she wouldn’t leave her room (she lives with my parents and my mother cares for her full time). My depression was so bad I had to take a day from work. I NEVER take a day from work! Just this past Wednesday, I got up early and cleaned my kitchen. Last night, I made it to the gym and worked out for 20 minutes before the ennui set in. It IS getting better and I appreciate you so much for sharing your journey so we don’t feel alone.

    P.S. A few years ago I sent you an email telling you I was getting a tattoo of the painting from Disney’s Haunted Mansion on my left thigh. I was supposed to send you pictures when it was finished. The last few years have been a rollercoaster but it’s finally finished. Would you still be interested in seeing it?

  320. it isn’t just you. And thank you, thank you for sharing and for always being so honest. Thank you too for continuing to push yourself through the darkness, for staying the course. Breathe, wrap your arms around yourself and give yourself a hug, write Hailey a letter, hug Victor, snuggle Dorothy Barker and the kitties, do whatever makes you feel good.

  321. Phil Plait says you are a national treasure and Phil Plait posts awesome (in the truest sense of the word) videos of marvelous sky events on Slate and I BELIEVE PHIL PLAIT. (so please hang in there, pretty please, I want to read your third book. And next book tour, try to get closer to Lancaster, PA, double-pretty-please.)

    I still get uncontrollable giggles when I think of Beartrum.

  322. Just read about the semicolon tatoo trend. Loved the message A semicolon represents a sentence the author could’ve ended but chose not to. The author is you and the sentence is your life, Keep writing about it, you are an inspiration!

  324. What brings me joy? Wow. Tough one. Something as simple as a glass of sparkling rose while watching the sun go down on the deck. To seeing a loved one’s eyes light up when I walk into a room, an airport, anywhere. Wishing you joy and peace . . .

  325. So glad so many of you are starting to feel better. I’m always amazed at how much support is available around here.

    Couldn’t tell if this has been posted, but I thought it was so cute!
    Tiny Hamster’s Tiny BBQ

  326. When I’m having a particularly down day, I go and look at my friend’s webcam. He fosters mama cats and kittens, you see. And streams their lives on Livestream. Through the chat on his site I have met so many amazing and loving people that I now also can claim as friends So, not only do I get to enjoy watching cats and kittens being cats and kittens, I also get to remember that I am never really alone.

    http://livestream.com/FosterKittenCam

  327. You have become my newest spirit animal! I have just recently discovered your blog (and plan on picking up your books). This singular post, the first I’ve read, induced tears and laughter. I cannot wait to “get to know you” as I non-creepily stalk your life through your blog, social media, books, etc… I too suffer from depression and anxiety, and a conversion order to boot…. psychogenic non-epileptic seizures, yeah i have those…. silly bastards…. recently i have been having what i call my “down days” a funk has blanketed itself on me for a while now, but today is the first day in a long time that a corner of that blanket has lifted and i feel like i can breathe. You described/said/empathized everything i have thought but could not say. Thank you!!!!!!

  328. This week I’m experiencing my first depressive episode in over 10 years. I knew it was happening & I asked for help, even though that was so hard! It’s bad right now, but I do remember that my track record for recovery is 100% so I know I’ll get through this. But even as I was sinking, I knew I was sinking, and I knew why, and I still couldn’t stop it. That might’ve been the hardest thing so far. I feel like an addict who relapsed: I had over 10 years “sober”, and now I have to start over from nothing. I could see how I was hurting my relationships and jeopardizing the good work I’ve done recently, knowing it was going to be really hard to rebuild, and I still couldn’t stop. I’m not yet back to “sober” but I’m getting there. I’ll get there. But this sucks all around.

  329. I have been struggling quite a bit more lately too. Mine manifests in anxiety. Over-the-top anxiety. I have come to the same conclusions that you point out here….surround yourself with positivity (is that a word?). I actually tend to walk away from Facebook during my hardest times. The negativity on there makes things worse, but the overly positive people also make things worse….why can’t I just be like them??

    What brings me joy? My kids, my husband. They’ve seen me at my best and my worst. And they love me despite it! What else brings me joy? Sitting alone in the sun or digging in the dirt; anything that allows time for me alone with my thoughts. Meditating. That’s my new one.

  333. Things that bring me joy are the “Yo, Is This Racist?” podcast, “Brandenburg Concerto no.3”, “Groove Is In The Heart”, and Terry Pratchett Discworld audiobooks. Also, videos of Red Pandas: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HRwiPJkm1WE

    I just had my first panic attack in at least a year two weeks ago, and frankly, I’m still a little freaked out about it. The depression I’m used to; I can cope with it, I guess. But the overwhelming nature of the onset of panic makes being at work (where it happened, and work contains the machinery that set it off) a little unsettling.

  334. I spent most of 2014 in a dark hole. I started to climb out at the beginning of 2015 until I have pretty much reached the top of happy mountain. So how weird is it that I have thoughts of ending it now because I know it won’t last? But if I did that I would miss out on screaming goats! So I won’t. Thank you. Depression lies!

  336. Sometimes I think cycles of depression sync up like menstrual cycles. Seriously.When I’m at my lowest, just unusually and especially miserable, it seems like the people I care about most are all down there with me. It makes supporting each other simultaneously crucial and next to impossible, which makes the hole feel even harder to climb out of.

    So here are some baby goats in pajamas:

    http://www.npr.org/sections/goatsandsoda/2015/06/04/411960057/your-moment-of-baby-goat-bliss?utm_source=facebook.com&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=npr&utm_term=nprnews&utm_content=20150604

  337. I am fortunate to have a lot of things in my personal life to make me smile, but when none of those are working, there is this standby

  338. I am going to tag this post as a favorite so I can come back to all the wonderful comments/videos when I feel sad. I, too suffer from anxiety & depression. I am so thankful, Jenny, that you are transparent. Not enough people are honest about depression and what it really feels like and that there IS a light at the end of the darkness. It is so difficult to believe you will ever feel better when you are at the lowest. And I hate it when I tell myself I am a worthless human. What has helped lately is my daughter, her husband and 2 kids moved in with me for a few months during a housing transition. My grandkids are 6 and 3 and they bring so much unconditional love & joy into my life. Last night my granddaughter stood up on my bed as I stood beside her, and I danced her around like a ballerina. I also made her do barrel rolls down the side of the bed… At 3 she loves dresses and shoes…. I think right now I only get a paycheck to support her clothing habit. LOL I do know that seeing that unconditional love shining out of their eyes gives me much needed joy.

  339. I really needed this today. I’m at the bottom of the hole right now and just a little while ago was staring off into space, at work, having one of those, “this is never going to get better, is it?” head conversations. But it will get better. It always does. Thank you.

  342. What brings me joy is listening to the audio book of Let’s Pretend This Never Happened.

  344. Something I accomplished since last week…surviving my own shitstorm of the past week. I’m not sure the clouds have lifted, but I can at least smile again. Thank you for voicing my feelings. 😊

  347. Stuff that makes me smile even when I’m feeling like crap:

    The look on this dog’s face: https://www.icon-art.com/blog/greatest-dane/

    This video, of Warren Patterson and Al Jackson in 1948, singing ‘If I Didn’t Care’: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vpZdjTUobl0

    And, some of the funny bits from P. G. Wodehouse. This, in particular, always raises a laugh. (Are you sitting comfortably?) It’s from ‘The Luck of the Bodkins’.

    “Into the face of the young man who sat on the terrace of the Hotel Magnifique at Cannes there had crept a furtive look of shame, the shifty, hangdog look which announces that an Englishman is about to talk French. One of the things that Gertrude Butterwick had impressed upon Monty Bodkin when he left for his holiday on the Riviera was that he must be sure to practice his French, and Gertrude’s word was law. So now, though he knew that it was going to make his nose tickle, he said:
    ‘Er, garcon.’
    ‘M’sieur?’
    ‘Er, garcon, esker-vous avez un spot de l’encre et une piece de papier – note papier, vous savez – et une envelope et une plume.’
    The strain was too great. Monty relapsed into his native tongue.
    ‘I want to write a letter,’ he said. And having, like all lovers, rather a tendency to share his romance with the world, he would probably have added ‘to the sweetest girl on earth’, had not the waiter already bounded off like a retriever, to return a few moments later with the fixings.
    ‘V’la, sir! Zere you are, sir,’ said the waiter. He was engaged to a girl in Paris who had told him that when on the Riviera he must be sure to practice his English. ‘Eenk – pin – pipper – enveloppe – and a little bit of bloddin-pipper.’
    ‘Oh, merci,’ said Monty, well pleased at this efficiency. ‘Thanks. Right-ho.’
    ‘Right-ho, m’sieur,’ said the waiter.”

  348. Your posts in the past few weeks and your mantra, that depression (or in my case, anxiety disorder) lies, have meant a lot to me. For me, on top of my inner monologue assuring me that I am crap at life, I seem to lose my voice… I cannot STAND mumbling, but I find when I’m experiencing prolonged anxiety, I’m unable to speak up. I’m sure more than anything else that’s why I hate mumbling so much. The last few weeks have been really unusually crappy for me but I finally feel like I’m bouncing back… or at least I had a day where I was completely fragile and bursting into tears every 2 minutes yesterday and today I am determined to take care of myself this weekend… I will work out, I will enjoy the sun, I will EAT and I will sleep, and importantly, I will quit beating myself up… so I’m feeling hopeful: I’ve got a plan, I am in my corner; I will get over that wall.

  351. I made my kitties a tumblr, (http://freddiefearless.tumblr.com/) and adding new pictures of them makes me happy because they are ridiculously adorable 🙂 My beloved mare, Fiona, who is always there when I need her (you don’t need to be rich to own a horse, you just have to be willing to stay poor 🙂 One of the things you do to calm a nervous horse down is to breathe slowly and deliberately. Once I was grooming her while I was fairly anxious and she turned and put her nose over mine and started deep breathing until I did too 🙂 I found out you can make peanut butter cookies with just 1 egg, a cup of sugar, and a cup of peanut butter, mixed and baked at 350 for 15 minutes and allowed to cool. Even when I’m not capable of much, I can usually make those cookies, and home-made cookies are always comforting. We saw Mad Max: Fury Road five times in the theaters because it was just that good, and every time we watched it (with an ever-increasing group of friends) we loved it more and more. Also this blog helps – Lazy Evaluation Ranch. It’s a farm blog crossed with a Cthulhu story. http://lazyevaluationranch.tumblr.com/

  352. I also have anxiety and depression. My daily meds keep me functioning at a moderate level I am usually comfortable in. But on Sunday night I came down with a stomach flu of ghastly and staggering proportions. It’s been about 20 years since my last one so I can’t imagine how I ever survived this stuff as a kid but somehow I did it so I’m doing it once again. (Btw in Bloggess terms this was all caused by three emergency Costco chickens all bought in one week that may or may not have been conspiring to murder me) But that’s neither here nor there at this point. The real thing is to focus on getting better which I am doing very very slowly and to remember that I have lost 8 pounds already and that is an amazing blessing wrapped in the dubious deadly murder chickens that I wouldn’t have achieved otherwise. Life is filled with suffering but there’s always something good in the mix too right? I posted a link below because I thought this artist would inspire you since he makes small sculptures of ferris wheels and towers etc out of duct tape and towels yes TOWELS… http://www.juxtapoz.com/current/meticulously-constructed-sculptures-by-takahiro-iwasaki We can’t control our lives, life is not a fixed, unchanging perfect thing but you can darn well carve up your duct tape into a precise little treasure and put it on display and no one can stop you! XOXO

  353. I forgot to add that while I was super sick I finished reading your first book! It was amazing and inspiring and super hilarious and I should have finished it ages ago but I have trouble finishing anything longer than a children’s board book these days. So another PLUS to the deadly evil stomach flu plague… Bloggess book one READ IN FULL! Your hellish struggles with scorpions and raptors really gave me perspective when I was trying to hold my digestive tract together. Sure I was feeling crappy as heck but there were NO SCORPIONS and circling buzzards… so thanks for not going over board on me life! Next time I get a high fever and hallucinations I’ll be super happy that a shark tornado isn’t simultaneously occurring.

  354. I don’t have depression but I do get in a monthly hole, which has been deeper and darker this year I noticed. WTF life??

    I have also experienced some pretty brutal grief. I wrote this in the throes some years ago, and came across it today while looking for something else. It still speaks to those dark times:

    Days

    There are days
    when joy seems so far away
    so out of reach.
    There are days
    when beloved things
    offer no pleasure
    no escape.
    There are days
    when all one can do
    is remember
    that there are other days.

    https://elisabethflaum.wordpress.com/2011/12/08/days/

  355. Yes. Very much yes. I’ve been….quite dark myself and I finally have an appointment for the doctor on Tuesday and I’m going to be honest about how bad it’s been and I’m going to ask for meds and that isn’t going to make me weak AT ALL.

  356. Also….meant to add a bit of joy. 😉

    That face….sometimes we keep swimming for the music that keeps us alive.

  360. I know what you mean, it’s been a really weird few months for me as well. I had been doing fairly well and now meds aren’t working and new treatments aren’t working and suddenly I’m worse than I’ve been in a long time. What helped tonight was going out to a wonderful New Mexican restaurant and having chalupas and enchiladas and listening to the Mariachi band play. I felt really good after that.

  361. I just want you to know that your phrase, “depression lies,” has been an absolute life-saver for me. Seriously. Thank you.

  363. I’m so glad you’re feeling better! I am too! Thank you so much for reading my blog last week and giving me encouragement when I went to the hospital. It was really hard but they straightened out my meds and I’m feeling much better. I’m still in the hole but it’s a little brighter. I’m not as far down anymore. I’m in group therapy AND individual therapy…so basically I’m in therapy every single day, but that’s what I need right now and the bright side of THAT is that at least I get to be at home. I’m having tests done for another chronic illness which sucks but I’m trying to stay positive because If I DO have it, it can be treated and I will feel better. Anyways, again, I can’t thank you enough for being there for me even though you don’t really know me, and I hope it brightens your day that you were an amazing help for me when I needed it most!

  364. I’ve decided the facebook algorithms are assholes. I posted yesterday that my IVF treatment failed and I’m probably infertile now … and the next post under that was about babies being born etc. It does seem to cluster posts with similar topics, but that was one I didn’t need. I’m doing ok, better than I thought I would. Will see how I go 🙂

  365. Have you ever read Spider Robinson’s “Callahan’s Bar” series? One of the main tenets of Callahan’s is “shared pain is lessened, shared joy is increased. Thus, we refuse entropy.” I think it likely you would enjoy these books. I hope to see you soon in Huntsville, AL!

    (Adding it to my list of things to read. ~ Jenny)

  366. I suddenly understand the goat delta had on their preflight prep video….

    My joy was coming home to my dogs after a week on the other side of the country (the impromptu carpet cleaning upon my return not so much I’ll admit but at least when I’m here it’s easier to keep them behaving).

  367. Its been a rough few months for me–my mental state has not been the best, and some days, it was an effort just to get out of bed and plow through my day.

    Your blog post came at an opportune time. Even with a pending vacation of a lifetime, I felt lower than I had in weeks. But reading it made me feel that much less alone. And when I was walking into work, the grey fog cleared for a moment (for real, not poetic metaphor here..) and the sun broke through. Both things made me realize that this is not forever, depression lies and the light is waiting to break through the clouds again and fill me with brightness.

    Two videos have helped. The first one is from PostModern Jukebook and is so empowering to me.
    https://youtu.be/LZY9_Xr5XPA

    The other–They Might Be Giants doing Destiny’s Child. Because how can you not feel better after watching the John’s do this?

    https://youtu.be/jIoDSuVFWVg

  369. Doesn’t feel like much of a coincidence from where I’m sitting. Thank you for posting this; I think I needed the reminder today.

  370. I find the best medicine for me is to stay away from anything that might set off triggers. The problem is we live in a world where pain, struggle and wickedness reign. Sometimes I feel as though I must isolate myself from everything in order to cope. I would advise against isolation to anyone who’s in to deep. When I feel disappointment discouragement or whatever it is that might trigger depression I not only stay away from triggers but I will surround myself with everything I love. I will literally lock myself into a room so as not to influence others with what I am going through and I will either write, read, watch movies, listen to music, search for images until something I love reminds me of the beauty in the world. You see, art is second nature for me. Its a passion that runs so deep that I see art in just about everything. When negativity creeps in, I drown myself in art. Today I am on my 5th day of treatment for a very painful infection that has limited me. I am unable to tap into my creativity not to mention maintain a single thought without the distraction of owe, ouch and other more vivid curse words. I feel defeated, frustrated and just plain useless. I saw your post in my email and I thought to myself I can’t read this right now. After browsing the same old Facebook posts and not having much luck with finding anything that interests me, I turned to my blog to write. All I could think was no one is reading my posts and I don’t have the energy to write new ones at the moment. Finally I decided to read yours and I have to tell you incase you didn’t know that you are an artist. Anyone who creates something that has the ability to inspire is an artist. So when things get rough try to remember who you are and how much significance lays within that. Just as you’ve stated above, there are so many people you have yet to meet. You know how important this is, how important you are and how important others are. Being an artist is taxing but it is also very valuable and rewarding to so many people especially yourself.

  371. What a long list of comments. This one probably won’t be read, but I’ll post it anyway.

    I’ve been struggling with my depression lately as well. I’ve had periods of darkness that I haven’t experienced for years. Where my brain is telling me lies that everything I’ve done is pointless, that I’d be better off dead (not suicide, I’ve never thought of suicide), that I’d love to have a stroke. I think part of it is feeling overwhelmed, and part of it is the heat wave my town is going through right now. But it’s hard and it’s dark. You know.

    But I am fascinated by the idea that those of us in depression also work hard at humor. You are one of the funniest people I have read, and I honestly sought you out today because I wasn’t feeling well, and I needed some cheering up. This post made me realize that you are just like me. You write funny partly because it cheers you up, and because you think people in general need cheering up. I do the same thing, seeking and posting the funniest things I can find on FB. Mind you, I can’t touch you when it comes to funny. You are amazing.

    Still, I wonder if the depression we struggle with is a gift. It is this inner struggle that forces us to go out of ourselves to give to others. It is this darkness inside that forces us to balance that with light that we freely give to others. It is a misery, but it is a misery that produces something good.

    Thanks, depression. You’re awesome.

  372. Depression leaves us with almost nothing. But what we are left with is ours. Take it. Use it. We have tools, and we have work to do.

  373. Big hugs. I finally got the nerve to admit my problems to a family doctor a few years ago, although I phrased it as “just needing some Xanex or something to help with occasional panic attacks.” She wisely said that those attacks were linked to underlying issues and I’d need to take an anti-depressant instead. Best thing I ever did–changed my life for the better. I just wish more people understood that depression and anxiety aren’t a weakness; they aren’t the “blues” or just a bad mood. They’re a chronic illness, the same as any physical illness.

  375. I have that vision thing too when I’m not at my best. I thought it was my imagination until you said you have it too! Very interesting. Anyway you’re right. It will get better. I promise.

  378. Thank you, for being you. And for affirming that’s it’s alright to be ourselves. Thank you for your courage, for helping us find each other, you, and everything we need. thank you for being that friend that says just what we need to hear. I’ve reached out to you a couple of times in the past, and honestly- you and my best friend are the sole reasons I decided to reach out for help. I read your words, and I see my past, my present and my future in them. And somedays, especially the days where my voices swear it won’t get better… it looks better just reading your words. Thank you.

  379. YEEEAAAHHH -snort!!
    Still wheezily laughing as I squint through the tears to write this…oh my god thank you for being so good at finding hilarious random shit Jenny! So glad to hear you are feeling more like yourself again, and wishing you SO MUCH joy to make up for all the lying brain crap you’ve had to put up with for the past few weeks. x

  380. I have been feeling really crap lately, but reading all these comments have made me feel less alone, and also incredibly grateful: I have baby goats, a fainting goat, and the video with the raccoon in the pool is me and my sweetheart Harbor Raccoon. I have three things that make people happy in my life. And that makes me happy(-er).

  381. I am still convinced the photo decal in your bathroom is of Bart the Bear. And, it gets better! He has a website! I really hope you get a chance to watch the video of his legacy, it is proof that it really does get better. Hugs, Jenny.

    http://www.bartthebear.com/bears/bart/

  382. I’m feeling almost proud of myself, about doing something regarding my mental health. I finally managed to say something to my therapist-I had a not good upbringing, and the overall result is that I really don’t like telling people what’s in my head. Because that’s the only place that’s mine. But when what’s in my head is dangerous, or scary, I’m supposed to tell.

    And this time I finally got across to the psych person, stumbling over every other word, that I’m really messed up and I have no coping methods that don’t involve either harm or turning into a rage monster. And he suggested gently that I may have some emotional instability, and I have an appointment with a nurse practitioner to be evaluated for medication. I don’t know if it’ll work, but it’s something. It’s a step.

  383. Oh! I have that losing peripheral vision thing too! The deeper I went, the smaller my area of vision became. Then I learned to just sit and look: just concentrate on looking, and on looking just an eensy weensy bit wider. And I found I could do it, and bit by bit each time I tried it, my vision got a little wider AND my depression lifted a tiny bit too. And music: that helps too. <3

  384. The subway laughter thing that David posted earlier is one of my absolute faves (BTW, how do you “like” comments on here? I noticed someone liked one of mine and I’d love to do the same to so many of these lovely comments!). So, I’m a sucker for a good blooper. Any of the outtakes for Ricky Gervais’ show “Derek” just having me rolling. My other blooper addiction is newscasters messing up. Does that make me a bad person?

    [youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7OihpIHUYYU&w=560&h=315%5D

  385. Reblogged this on ljoyy and commented:

    Great words of wisdom courage and hope…. Thank you… I was in the hole too at once and felt like I was the only one in it.

  386. I work in a inpatient mental health hospital….Would you be ok if I print this out and give it to clients who are suicidal?!?

    (Of course, if you think it might help them. ~ Jenny)

  387. Life has been a bitch lately. Your honesty on this subject is refreshing and important. I’m glad you reminded everyone of the joy and laughter. It takes incredible strength to see those insights in the darkness. Thank you.

  390. I love this so much. I have been reading your blog readily now after my sister introduced me to “Let’s pretend this never happened.” She’s all “hey Emily! This woman has RA, and is crazy anxious and depressed just like you!” And sure enough we share those similarities. The past few days have been BEAT for me, and I think there is something in the atmosphere I swear. After some of my lowest points over the past year though, I got help through therapy, medication, and meditation (HAVE YOU TRIED THE HEADSPACE APP? IT’S GOLD) and I am on a path to self-help. It doesn’t come without its dips and trenches (eg: anxious of leaving the couch and going to a restaurant because, why not?) but I will get through it. Just like you said. Just like you have to believe to go on. Thank you for your inspiration. YOU ROCK!

    P.S. My dachshunds get me through a lot, and here is something that made me smile in the dark recently: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/143130094380873206/

  391. I watch one of three movies that are great at making me laugh when I am really feeling down: “Tucker and Dale vs. Evil” with Alan Tudyk (On Netflix now), “George of the Jungle” with Brendan Fraiser, and the best one that is a guaranteed giggle-fest for me is “Delirious” with John Candy. It may not be a permanent change to my mood, but they at least usually start me back on an upswing. I just saw “Spy” with Melissa McCarthy and may have to add that one to my “movies to watch when I need a boost list”.

  392. That sounds exactly like me only I have no idea what is wrong with me

  393. I love reading your blog. Ups, downs, in-betweens. If I ever met you, I think we would be friends. When I need a smile and none are forthcoming around the house, I also turn to youtube. I like the animal videos, and one of the ones that I found recently and watch almost religiously (more as I get unhappy) is Gotcha the Cockatoo. Look him up, he’s very cute and it’s bittersweet to watch, since it does make me miss my parrot horribly, but it also reminds me of how silly and sweet my parrot was and reminds me that I have the capability to love another bird someday, even if I am not yet ready today.

  394. Please don’t destroy the moon. It’s my favorite!

    Check out the movie “Local Hero” if you can find it. A small, beautiful, hilarious movie that I think you will love and appreciate very much. BONUS: Costars Peter Capaldi as a young and unbelievably awkward and hilarious young man!

  395. Jenny and all ya’ll… I had a rough rough day yesterday. I’d been doing so well, and to have a day where it felt like my heart was squeezed and my body was soaked in sadness and I was wrapped in a sticky trap of anxiety and depression where every attempt I made to claw free just left me more stuck and more exhausted… well, to have that was a terrifying setback. I felt unloved, unloveable, lonely and scared. But there was light. There were friends, there was music, and there was this community, and this morning is better. Much better. I feel shaky and fragile, but like myself again. More work to do. Much love.

  397. Thank you for sharing your journey. You are more than loved, kittenlashes.

  399. hi. not usually a commenter, but i’ve had a really hard time lately and i have had some things shared with me because of it that i think we all need, one is the “f*ck that” meditation, but i see that’s been shared a lot.

    however, i hope you’ve seen zefrank. he’s awesome. if you haven’t google zefrank. he’s awesome. he not only makes brilliant funnythings, he also makes brilliant copingthings.

    this is what i came here to post today. it helps. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XqWofBdhT2k

  400. I have read and reread this post several times. Part of my brain tells me that my situation is very different from yours, so you can’t be right. But I know you don’t lie. I trust you. I wish I could stir up some humor and make this reply witty, but it’s not there right now. So, I’ll keep reading your post and trusting you that the sun will shine again soon. That I will feel capable again soon. That I won’t feel so damned weighted down. Soon. Thanks.

  401. “On particularly rough days when I think I can’t possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for making it through bad days is 100%… and that’s pretty good.” -author unknown

  402. Here’s a quote from you in this post that bears repeating “There is sunlight. There is joy. There is a world of laughter you haven’t used up. There are people you haven’t even met waiting for you to make their life complete. Keep going. Keep breathing. You’ll get through this.”
    thanks for putting it out there x

  404. I just found out I’m pregnant. After 2 years of infertility treatments, and basically being told I would nevereverever be able to do it on my own we gave up draining our bank account and our sanity and four months later – BOOM! Surprise!!! You’re moody and weepy because there is another human inside of you right now! So that’s my joy! I still cry a lot, but now, more often, they’re happy tears. Also, depression is a fucking liar!

  405. thanks for once again a wonderful terrific inspiring post. I am going to start a small blog for my RA friends that deal with depression, where we can just “be ourselves”. Letting out all the anger at the medical profession (So, medicine number THREE we are going to try?) and our families (Yes I am up at 2 am in PAIN, and your snoring isn’t helping!) and probably, meaning no mean intentions, people giving us your book. The support group was “so how many copies of Jenny Lawson’s book have you been given?” It is given with a “SEE? She’s JUST LIKE YOU! She will make you laugh! I read her book and I get what you are going through now, but see, you just need to laugh more. I even bought you a taxidermy mouse!” (actual conversation) The record was one woman in the support group got TEN copies of your book. It isn’t YOU, and what you wrote there is so supportive and so what we NEED to read. And your book is a great read. But, when the woman shared her mother had not only bought the book but bought a taxidermy mouse that gives her the willies and she hates…..we all DID laugh. We all love you, but we wish people got everyone is different. There is no “poster child”. However laughter is wonderful!

  407. Thank you so much for this blog. I stumbled on it just before my life took a detour. It made me seek help. Since then, I’ve spent 24 hours in a psychiatric hospital under observation, received at least one new diagnosis that I’ve always misunderstood, reacted poorly to the first medication prescribed, endured a break-in and was determined SMI on my mental health day. Your words inspire me and bring much comfort. I am learning how to live with my new normal and am so grateful that you are sharing your story.

  408. Dang it. What happened to the goats? I came back for a visit and they’re missing.

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Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

Beautiful Writers book: Writers! This coming-of-career memoir (w/ the BEST advice from celeb authors, real shit you haven’t heard) is life. A page-turning beach read doubling as how-to. #Magic

The Dating Days of Marta O: When I told my sister I was building a blog she said: “Do people still read blogs?” I do not know, but if YOU want to read it, here it is. Keep in mind, my stories about dating after 40 are for the brave.

Where Do I Belong? A memoir of Sarah Carrington: The unbelievable story of growing up in a religious cult in the mountains of Northern British Columbia. What happens to you in life doesn’t make you strong; rising above it does.

CONNECTED: A Personal Journal for Ketamine Therapy Created by writer & patient Katherine Davis for this powerful clinical treatment. If considering ketamine for major depression, check out this essential tool.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: SO GOOD.

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