My ten-year-old yelling at me from the kitchen:
Hailey: HEY MOM? I BROKE A BANANA.
me: Wha...how can you break a banana?
Hailey: Um. I NEED A SHARPIE.
me: WHY?
Hailey: NEVER MIND. I FIXED IT.
me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE?
Hailey: This.
Hailey (in a deep voice): “HEY GUUURL! I’M MISTER BANANA. YOU CAN’T EAT ME BECAUSE NOW I HAVE EYES. I SEE YOU.”
me: Wow.
Hailey: I’m still gonna eat you, Mister BananaMan. You’ll go bad if I don’t eat you. You’ll be a badnana.
Hailey: “YOU WOULDN’T EAT ME, HAILEY. I’M YOUR FRIEND. FEED ME M&M’S.”
me: You can’t have any M&M’s.
Hailey: It’s not for me, mom. It’s Mister Banana. He’s so demanding.
Hailey: “YUM YUM YUM! M&M’S! PUT THEM IN MY MOUTH HOLE.”
Hailey: Okay Mister Banana. Calm down already. I’ll get the M&M’s.
me: Was this all just an elaborate ruse to get M&M’s?
Hailey: “I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT, HAILEY’S MOM. THESE M&M’S ARE DELICIOUS.”
me: You’re a weird kid, Hailey. But in the best way.
Hailey: “WE LOVE YOU TOO, MRS. HAILEY’S MOM.”
Updated: The kitchen counter, 10 minutes later.
Oh, sweet baby Jesus. Call homicide. BANANA DOWN.
Hard to believe she’s yours. I don’t see any similar tendencies. 😉
Thank you for the Arrested Development reference. I needed that.
You are most definitely doing this whole parenting thing correctly.
Yellow chalk outline required. And crime scene tape. Also yellow.
That manipulative banana got what it deserved.
I needed this in ways you can’t even imagine. Thanks to both you and Hailey. RIP, Mr. Banana Man. I’m sure you were delicious.
Well, can you blame her really? I mean, he was just a silver-tongued devil, really:).
Mouth Hole. Classic.
The kid’s a genius!
At least she comes by it naturally…
Rest in Peace, Mr. Banana. We barely knew thee.
Hailey is brilliant!!!
I really hope they were peanut butter m&ms…
also…she draws better than I do.
I look forward to Hailey’s memoirs in 20 years.
This makes me ridiculously happy and gives me hope for the future.
Yes. I think I will just call you “Mrs. Hailey’s Mom” from now on…
Uhm I’m starting to suspect I’m actually 11 years old…
Yep, she’s yours! Poor Mr. Bananaman. Gone before his time. Or wait, maybe it was his time. Either way, I’m glad he got M&Ms before his demise.
Eureka! The answer to what I want to have for my last meal is now obvious. I don’t know why I didn’t see it before.
I think Hailey and her banana man just out-funnied you. Well done, Mom!!
I’m always amazed at what my 11 year old comes away with. I always wonder where he gets some of his ideas/thoughts. 🙂
I love this.
She is so you’re daughter!
HAHHAHA….poor banana
I’m with Daddy Scratches – hard to believe she’s yours Jenny. Bwahahaha!
She is so you’re child. You are a lucky woman.
LMFAO!! I needed this today. #BadnanaDown
Ah, nothing like imagination 🙂
You’re so lucky she got some of Victor’s genes and isn’t making toys out of roadkill…
I’m impressed that she put BananaMan’s corpse on a strip of toilet paper because hygiene and easy clean-up but the cap off the marker is driving me nuts.
We used to do something similar with apples, only we’d bite faces into the apples instead of drawing them on. I want to say we learned it from Lamb Chop and Sherry Lewis, but I’m not positive on that.
Hilarious! You have the best kid.
Now the peel looks like it’s screaming at its own dismembered corpse…
There was another, earlier Banana Man.
Everything everybody said above. Wow
snort giggles madly Oooh Hailey… You make your Auntie Shawna SO very proud! Poor Mr BananaMan we hardly knew ye.
Hahahaha this is brilliant xo
Last Picture: Aahhh! The bananity!
I am so glad the universe is giving us another you. I will never at a mouse, an alligator, a boar, a squirrel, a raccoon ever the same way again- and now a Banana. Thank you for that.
That was awesome. Wish I could draw as well as she does! 🙂
OMG, I love your kid!
Like there was ever any doubt… 🙂
My condolences. Banana decapitation harms everyone involved.
She is sooooo your daughter! I needed that laugh today!
If there was EVER a doubt about that kid’s parentage, it has now been put to rest.
you are raising a totally awesome kid (but you knew that already)
I needed that more than I care to think about. Also, my Rory came from the publisher today. I think I may have gotten Bad Luck Rory as he is already involved in a hostage situation.
Oh the bananaty.
*Snort! Badnana. Bwahahaha! Thanks for the laugh, Hailey, and Mrs. Hailey’s Mom!
And here I thought THIS was how you broke a banana!http://www.popsci.com/videos/video-channel/neil-degrasse-tyson-smashes-a-banana
Hahahahahahahhahahahhahaha! Badnana, awesome!
Thanks! I needed that! 🙂
When Hailey is ready to date, my son would like to put his name in for consideration. He thinks she is hysterical. Is it too soon to ask her to prom? (His prom isn’t for 5 years.)
Poor Victor. He’s surrounded.
You should have seen the raspberry carnage today. Gruesome.
yup, sounds like my kids also. LOL, never a dull moment.
God I can’t wait until your kid has her own blog. She’s going to be awesome!
Apparently the banana doesn’t fall far from the tree.
Well played, Hailey. Well played indeed.
Holy crap, you’re raising one of my favorite human beings! Keep doing whatever it is that you’re doing, because Hailey gives me hope for the future.
Love this! Exactly what I needed today.
And I think it’s awesome she’s getting invited to Prom already by your readers/commenters!
Thank you both for making my day better (it desperately needed the help!)
I blame MTV and violent video games….way cool.
Brilliant! Now teach her about scratching banana peals so the images appear later.
Respect the banana. Get out those M&Ms.
She earned those M&M’s!
I am so in love with this whole escapade.
MY kid would totally do this. (Which is why I wish so badly that they were playmates. sigh)
Yes, this tale is rather a-peeling.
She is SO your daughter! (and also awesome)
Genius!!!
It looks like the flute from HR Puffinstuff! You know it does!
Oh, yeah, totally yours!!! 🙂
I expect to see the release of the first children’s book written by Hailey any day now!
Thank you, Mrs. Hailey’s Mom’s Daughter, for “resurrecting” the broken banana into M&M-eating Mr. Badnana! What a beautiful thing! And what tidy carnage you left behind, as well!
Really, thank you for the snort-giggles. I’m having a good day off.
It’s a double homicide. Leaving the cap off the sharpie probably killed that too.
Um, is the banana on a long sheet of toilet paper? On your kitchen counter? If yes, that makes this a bajillion times funnier.
She is good very good indeed.=, great imagination. I also want to know from Cassie comment #44, What happened to Rory? Did you pay the ransom? He wasn’t hurt was he? I hope you received proof of life before you paid up. Who would do such a thing? That is not acceptable, not acceptable at all!
When I was a little kid, we lived on some acreage and raised our own beef (and many other foods). The first night that we sat down to a dinner that included some of our home raised beef, my father in all of his diplomatic glory announced: “Well, this is Bessie.” My sister, who would later become a vegetarian for years, and who had helped with the raising of our cows, became somewhat pale and excused herself from the table. I looked down at my plate and said “Poor Bessie” and began chowing down on her. She was delicious. I don’t know why your post reminded me of that, but it did.
Are you going to make a banana-skin vest out of the dead banana a la Buffalo Bill? Eh?
Madness does not run in your family, It walks around slowly and makes sure it gets to know everyone.
I love it, Hailey is such a crazy cool kid. You’ve definitely done right with her.
If any good can come from genetically modified foods, I propose M&M bananas. You’re welcome.
If any good can come from genetically modified foods, I propose M&M bananas. You’re welcome.
You raised that kid right.
Apples don’t fall to far from the tree
YOU GUYS! Banana and M&M sandwiches!
EvylFashionista took my thought. Banana doesn’t fall far from the tree 🙂
You have paper towels left in your house? How is that even possible?! My living room is a sea of unrolled paper goods – toilet paper, paper towels….Heaven forbid you need a tissue.
There’s no doubt at all whose kid she is, wowzers. (Thanks to both of you for the laugh!)
If I could be guaranteed to have a spawn like your spawn, I would consider the process.
That made me laugh so much! Hailey, you have a bright future!
RE: Galixie | September 1, 2015 at 3:47 pm
It’s a double homicide. Leaving the cap off the sharpie probably killed that too.
YES! Thank you!
I am glad I am not the only person here who is alarmed by the topless marker.
Hailey is so great. Mom I wonder where she gets her humor from. Lol
I thought the whole banana thing was brillant. Thanks for sharing
OMG.. why is it peeling on the toilet tissue?
Hailey’s definitely your kid! Never thought I’d have so much fun watching someone else play with their food.
Loved this. Thanks for sharing.
Cool, you made yourself a mini-me! She is at least as randomly funny as you!
Best post EVER!!! Thanks for the much needed giggles!!
Gotta watch those sassy fruits and veggies. I came down stairs in the middle of the night once, only to discover potato people rappelling off the shelf in my kitchen. Oddly enough, these things mostly seem to happen in households with kids of a certain age.
http://www.andbythatimean.com/#!Invasion of the Potato People/zoom/c4y5/image17vb
I just have to say, if your daughter creates things like this, you must be doing an EXCELLENT job!
Haha that wicked sense of humour runs strong in your family 🙂
Oh yeah. Parenting: you’re doing it SO right. This is fantastic in every way.
Can you guys move to California so I can have Mrs. Hailey’s Mom’s Daughter as one of my students in a few years? She has a most a-peel-ing sense of humor! You and Victor get an A++ for parenting!
I used to get bananas from the college cafeteria and draw faces on them, then leave them on my roommate’s desk. She was my best friend. And allergic to bananas.
A) BAD-nana B) It puts the Sharpie on its skin?
Seriously amazing! Kudos to you both for being the amazing yous that you are!
Badnana is my favorite new word, but the pig in the background is awesome. It’s like a ghost pig with all the pork removed.
Did anyone else look at the last picture and think of Calvin’s snow people?
Mystery of the Decapitated Banana. I think there’s a film in the works.
Most AWESOME post ever!
Wow, that apple sure didn’t fall far. So cute!
Why do I kept hearing the minions songs whenever I look at a banana. ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-nana
That kid is so damn rad it makes my eyes hurt.
Parenting: You’re doing it right.
Reminds me of the sick pranks my father and I would play on my mom. Fake poop under porcelin dolls in her display cabinet. Repositioning same dolls into rather suggestive scenes. My favourite? Perverted sugar/shortbread cookies at Christmas (our cookies were not fit for bake sales or cookie exchanges)
ADORABLE. 😀 Kid goals!
Well, that’s what happens to ‘very demanding’ bananas. Hailey is so adorable!
If this is the launch of Hailey’s 2040 presidential campaign, she’s got my vote.
Love it.
oh please say that this will be in the third book. And the title will be “BANANA DOWN.” bless you both.
Must be the age, when my son was 11, he created an entire diorama out of a marshmellow peep box and all the peeps. There was a big banner proclaiming Peep Rights. The peeps carried little signs protesting peep eating. I kept that thing on the shelf in the kitchen cupboard for years because it made me laugh so hard each time I saw it. Cherish her, she’s a treasure!
Behind every broken banana is a Mr.Banana’s story waiting to be heard!
In this case the banana didn’t fall far from the tree. She has your imagination. Love it.
I love this so much. She’s definitely your daughter. Quick observation: The big picture on the left has a nice long thumbnail, and the picture in the top right is bitten right down. Or broken? SOLVE THE MYSTERY SCOOBS!
You need to put a warning before you post something like this. Now I have to clean half chewed peanuts off my work computer screen (peanuts are fine for breakfast, stop judging me) Also, it’s a good thing my co-workers haven’t arrived yet, otherwise there might have been some sort of incident report that needed to be filled out. Basically, I’m looking for something like “Warning: Reading this while eating may result in partially masticated food being violently expelled from your mouth/choking hazard. Also, reading in public or otherwise occupied environs may result in strange looks/unnecessary paperwork about disturbing the workplace” Thanks for making the world a better place.
comment 99 from bonnie c made me laugh out loud. not that stupid lol stuffs, but literally laughing. good job, bonnie! #thumbsup
in other news, this is what happens when you peel a banana wrong. do it like the monkeys do and no broken bananas ever. wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
I tip my hat at your AD reference 🙂 Time for a Netflix binge, methinks.
Now I want M&M’s. The only way I can figure out to get some is to get a banana. Anybody got a spare one?
Truly horrifying! All my bananas are cowering behind the fruit bowl as I type.
wonderful.
Well, at least she ate the banana ALONG with the M&Ms
This has nothing to do with your post. I just wanted you to see this: http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/1zhY7u/:3jakh5Zu:LYb.SZ1X/www.youtube.com/watch?v=JlRgFyS9McM
Hee hee hee hee hee you guys are the BEST
I only see one ‘a-peeling’ joke. C’mon, y’all.
This freaking made my night…in a world of violence and bigotry, there is The adventures of Hailey and Mr. BananaMan…and the comments that go with it!
Oh.My. And how did Victor feel about the banana down incident? LOL
There’s currently a banana in our fruit bowl that has taped-on googly eyes and a Sharpie mouth. He has been named Banana Joe. No one is allowed to eat Banana Joe. It was deemed hilarious when he inevitably got a ton of brown freckles. He’s starting to look a little worse for wear, but I am not permitted to turn him into banana bread.
Thank you for the laugh Hailey & Haileys mom! I will never look at a banana the same agan
To hell with calling homicide! Call the taxidermist! Hailey’s awesomeness must be memorialized! Kudos on raising an awesome kid!
OMG Bloggess Jr. (laughing hysterically)
Give us a song, you’re the banana man! Give us a song tonite! Cuz we’re all in a mood for some m&m’s… And you’ve got us feeling…
Am I the only one who thought this? Huh.
That. Is. HILARIOUS. Seriously made my day.
“You’re a weird kid, Hailey. But in the best way.” I’ve said this, word for word (well, except for the name) to my own kid. Weird kids are the best.
We found Mr Banana… we found him delicious!
Oh, gawd! It’s genetic!
I actually Laughed. Out. Loud! Most excellent. (And this is the best tribe EVAH! So many comments here are Golden, like Granny K at #135. I love you, Strangelings!)
Jenny, I can’t wait to see you in Dallas later this month. I missed your last tour because I was off the internet for quite a while & didn’t know about it [how weird is that?!?], but NOT THIS TIME! Wild taxidermal creatures can’t keep me away!
A girl after my own heart. I hope she actually stuffed the M&M’s into Mr. Banana’s mouth and down his gullet, them ate him with his “partially digested” candy inside – it would have been delicIous! (You didn’t specify…)
Outside a bar off East Riverside St. in Austin with my 14-year-old daughter (she had just done a stand-up comedy set in the bar) (me, too), we saw a woman walking down the middle of the street talking rather loudly to herself. We both watched as she wandered and talked and ultimately veered off into the DQ parking lot. My daughter said as the woman disappeared into DQ, “It’s really kind of cool that we can tell when someone else is probably family.”
This is amazing and creative, and your daughter is awesome!
Laughed out loud. She has a marvelous sense of humor. But how could she be otherwise with you and Victor as parents?
That just made my week!!!! Thanks for the laughs. I really needed that! 🙂
between your daughter and mr. banana man my week is complete. He used to be on Sealtest Big Top, and I loved him…thank you for both…
Just call the morgue. That banana has had it.
The disembodied head is everything.
I don’t care if eight billion people commented before me, you always make me laugh and if you knew my life right now, you’d know what a damned miracle that is. Thank you Jenny Lawson and your daughter, and Banana man, may he rest in peace…no pieces…nevermind.
I was scrolling down this post on my phone when my 4 year old looked over “Ahh! Why does that banana have eyes! Look it’s a banana faces!”
“banana down” would be amazing on a t-shirt!
not my mine