The last few days have been weirdly dark but I’m starting to feel like I’m coming out of the hole. Not quite enough to be funny but enough to shower and read with Hailey and even do a load of laundry. Small victories, but important ones if you’ve ever been in this spot. Luckily, the wonderfully awkwardly mortifying tweets have not stopped flooding in so instead of having to force the funny I can share the things that you’ve shared with me that made me laugh and feel human again.
And maybe you need that too, so I’m sharing the latest. Part 5:
Hi Jenny, I hope your emergence happens quickly and without any problems. These awkward moments get better and better. Stay well. Peace Jenny.
I made the list!
I’m glad you’re starting to come out of the hole. These tweets have definitely helped me through my most recent “depressive episode” too. Thanks for sharing both the humor and the struggles, and reminding me that I’m not alone.
Whenever I see that you are retweeting these awesomely mortifying moments on Twitter, I get so happy. Like I literally feel like saying “squeee!”. On the inside that is. And then I can’t stop reading them. Thank you for sharing these!
Thinking about you and feeling grateful that so many people love you so much. This tribe is AMAZING! Here’s a funny: my friend Joey came to my birthday party and saw me bending down digging in the cupboard. He said “Hey old lady!” I stood up and turned around and he realized it was actually my mother in law!
Thank you so much. I am cackling so loudly the dog is looking at me funny. I hope you find yourself in sunnier days soon.
Years ago my ex-husband and I were at a drive-thru ordering. While he was talking to the speaker, I tugged his arm and told him urgently, “To go!” so he repeated to the speaker, “To go.” HAHAHAHAHA
Thank you for sharing and re-sharing these posts. They’ve given me a bit of a giggle, at a moment when my brain is lying to me about the world.
Kitsch Bitsch wins, hands down!
Thanks, just what I needed today. Hope you feel better.
The day I met my mother in law, a centipede fell off of her ceiling, into my cleavage. I started whimpering and yanking my shirt off. #awkward
These awesome tweets need like, their own twitter account of awesomeness
I read these, cry with laughter and feel much better having reassured myself that I have a tribe and we’re all bloody brilliant.
I was at a party once and said to a friend “qu’est que c’est?”. I don’t actually speak French aside from a few phrases and words learned in grade school but a man fluent in French heard me and proceeded to talk to me in French. I think he asked me a question. I just looked at him and gave him a thumbs up.
Another time I was introduced to the owner of an art gallery. He smiled and said, “nice to meet you”. I froze and yelled out the word “NICE!!” and stared at him. He walked away.
Was playing a board game at a friends while eating chips. When it came to my turn I ate the dice and threw the chip.
I’m glad you’re coming out of the dark…
Just had a truck driver walk in and ask if there was a restroom. As he walked out he politely said “Thank you” to which I replied with much upbeat emotion and a big smile “THANK YOU!”. Uh, for what? That you didn’t pee in the truck yard? leaving a deposit? Sigh.
You are loved! You are perfect, just as you are! Days happen.. and you will find yourself again. It is ok, melt…hide…evaporate….you will come to the surface again and love who you are. Just be…it’s ok. Thank you for being you!
You are loved! You are perfect, just as you are! Days happen.. and you will find yourself again. It is ok, melt…hide…evaporate….you will come to the surface again and love who you are. Just be…it’s ok. Thank you for being you!
This is too long for Twitter by FAR, so it goes here.
I have chronic migraines, so I go to a specialist. He gave me an injection series called a nerve block-basically a bunch of steroid shots in the back of your head. I got dizzy halfway through, and had to pee, so I asked for a bathroom break. Lock bathroom door, pee…wake up with head on floor, wondering where TF I am. I PANIC. I’m screaming the place down, I can’t figure out how to get off the toilet, or that I’m even ON a toilet. My SO is threatening to bash the door in to get me, when I finally figure out I can roll off the toilet. (Turned out, I had fallen in a corner, so I was half on and half off, pinning myself there!)
I finally open the door, the nurse tells me she’ll escort me to a recovery room. Uh…hang on. I realize as she’s standing there that my underwear wasn’t pulled up all the way. In my panic to open the door, I had jerked my pants and underwear up altogether. I reached into my pants and yanked up my drawers. BECAUSE I’M CLASSY.
Nerve blocks are now banned for me.
I am reasonably sure that book tour + holidays + the news = a pretty solid basis for ending up in a dark place. I’m glad you are on your way out of that place, and I am super familiar with the major victory that laundry and a shower can be.
I also want to share that if it were not for your blog (and the awesome awkward tweets), I would have no idea that so many people are just as gloriously messed up as I am. Now, every time I do something stupid (four times and counting during the course of writing this comment, BTW), I imagine how I can describe it on Twitter rather than hanging my head in shame.
Thank you so much for making me laugh aloud today. I’m similarly not in a good place, and I needed that badly.
Not surprising, after the whirlwind tour, that you “crashed.” Not to mention the challenge of being out of your comfort zone! Which is quite admirable, by the by. Look at this time as recouping your energies.
And for a laugh–if I may be so bold–you might enjoy my latest post.
I had one of those ‘barely moved didn’t check any media sites’ weekends. So this is awesomeness. Was laughing so hard had to get up halfway through reading these to take a break.
Thank you for posting all these. Tears running down my face—if I ever figure out how to use Twitter I will send you a few of mine.
Thank you for sharing the wonderful humanity:). Made my day and reminded me to be gentle with myself! Putting my ego to bed for a decade or so . . .
I needed this so badly. Having a weird day where nothing is wrong, but nothing feels right.
Also, one time at a dinner party we were playing Cranium, and I was so tired I drifted off to sleep in my chair. I woke up to the sound of my own fart. Nobody said anything.
Keep laughing. It’s the antidote to darkness.
My resistance to Twitter is crumbling rapidly. There are just too many wonderful people there.
The only thing is I don’t want it cutting into my dick time.
Oh, hey, that’s a phrase that might make some guys uncomfortable, but after the last seventeen months I’ve been through there’s very little that makes me uncomfortable anymore.
Can’t tweet this moment of mortification as I never ever want to be linked to it. Just…never, ever mistake the tube of Ben-Gay for Vagisil.
thank you, thank you , thank you all. I needed this today.
And yay, Jenny, for doing something – even if it was laundry. Those are the better days, no?
Don’t read while at work, while eating, while drinking and I just found out while on your period.
Don’t read while eating, while working, while drinking and as I just found out, while on your period.
sweet merciful heavens, they are all so fantastically awesome. MY PEOPLE.
Iv been having one of thoes days where I start crying for no reason. But after reading thoes I’m only crying from laughing. Thank you everyone for your embarrassing moments.
Our Geman exchange student’s vocabulary wasn’t great, but he was clever. A few weeks after he arrived in the U.S. he asked me for paper for the opposite of eating. I showed him the cabinet where I stored toilet paper and told him to help himself.
I worry that reading these is going to make me do more of them at random moments!
Hope it gets brighter soon. These tweets should definitely help!
Hannah Keefer – if you’re reading these – I also once asked for a football sandwich at Subway! I had to email my husband to tell him I’m not alone!
I actually had to stop reading in the middle of this b/c my face hurt from too much laughing. Thanks to everyone for reminding me I am not alone.
I was literally texting a crisis line when I saw this post. I went from not being able to move to telling the lady “It’s ok. I can mom now.”
Thanks for being you a blend not being afraid to you out loud.
I think it’s the posts/blogs when you share your struggle with dark days that I appreciate the most. You say the things I think and let me know I’m normal.
Hopefully this will help pull you a little farther out of the hole:
First day of class with our (male) program director, while all of us (8 grad students) were female. He was talking about the Myers-Briggs personality test, which assigns letters based on different personality characteristics. He proceeded to explain some of the things he tends to do because of his P-ness. He laughed about it and joked about telling his boss how he talked about his P-ness to his class of women.
I love that with a single post, you’ve once again unified this tribe of beautifully broken misfits; educated those of us who don’t know jack shit about what it’s like to battle depression; and made every last one of us hoot, snort, or make some other ungraceful laughter-related noise. Awkwarding FTW!
Amazing, thank you, I needed that!
Yeah! More awkward. You’d think this would get old. Nope.
Jenny, you make us all feel less alone.
Jenny – sounds you are “tunneling” this week. Me too…. hope both you and I emerge to the sunshine and music in a few days.
Nancy
Just crawled out of a hole of my own and spent all afternoon writing a funny letter to my 91-year-old uncle, who is as crazy as I am. Then I came home and read your blog. Whipped cream on top of the pie, my dear. Thank you!
Hi darlin! I had a feeling that you might hit a wall when you got home from your whirlwind book tour. Glad you are climbing up and out. It’s what we do. We’re bad ass awesome like that! Take it easy and be good to yourself. Much love to you. XOXOXOXOXO
Finally, a shower & laundry for me today, too! Here comes the sun!
These are GREAT! I almost peed my pants laughing!
Just like many of us here, I have social anxiety. There’s your intro.
A cold-caller from Omaha Steaks once called trying to get me to order a package, and she wouldn’t take no for an answer. As the call went on & my stress levels elevated, my voice got louder and louder and higher and higher in pitch. By the end of the call I was literally shouting like a deaf 90 year old woman on helium “NO THANK YOU LADY! I DON’T WANT STEAKS LADY! NO THANK YOU! NO THANK YOU LADY! NO THANK YOU!”
Then I hung up.
There was also the time that I learned how the tube of deodorant and the tube of Icy Hot look exactly the same from the back. On the plus side, my armpits had no muscle pain!
I was working for a Karate Club, door to door sales of memberships, & I had to drive a good hour to get to the location I was working at.
I put some things in the boot (trunk) of my car, then spent the next half hour looking for my car keys.
Panic Stricken, I drove an hour with my spare keys to the location we were working at that day.
I explained to co-workers that I had to use my spare keys, as I couldn’t find my usual ones, & was told where they were: my usual car keys (on a key chain with my house keys attached) were hanging out of the lock at the back of my car.
I’d driven across town with the keys hanging out of the lock, whilst I was in a panic as to what had happened to them.
These days I keep my house keys & car keys separate, haven’t had a re-occurrence since.
Jenny, I hope your days of darkness are less and less – you bring so much joy and laughter to the world. If you ever think you don’t matter, just go back and re-read these tweets and messages. You do matter = you are marvelous – and a magical wit that brings light to the darkness.
I was literally just about to brush my teeth, when I realized the toothpaste in my hand was Anusol (hemorrhoid cream).
Another time almost applied toothpaste to hemorrhoids.
Went to brush my teeth with my dog’s toothbrush.
Almost used dog toothpaste instead of human toothpaste.
Took my dog to appointment with therapist, & as he was being complimented on his good behaviour, he let loose a fart that almost made the paint peel off the wall!
Jenny, I am 64 and have had anxiety disorder all my life. I have never understood how I can feel “normal” one day and completely freaked out the next. Any change in my environment or other circumstances can set me off. I admire you so much for your writing about your own struggles with it. I absolutely love your books. You will feel better. Remember, your brain is lying to you, and there is nothing wrong. Just because you feel depressed and/or anxious doesn’t mean there is reason to be.
A very large centipede did a death dive off the shower head into my bathtub…. those seconds where you want to scream for help but don’t want to move for fear it will reach land aka me…..all those legs swimming toward me… dear lord.
I have to say, my 15 year old daughter died a bit over a month ago, after a 2 year battle with cancer.
I expected to have yet another terrible bout of depression as a result, however the mortifying tweets, messages & posts, along with the fact I’m currently reading Furiously Happy, has helped keep the black dog from my door.
Sure I’ve had some down days, & some pretty dark thoughts, but it’s only lasted a day or two here & there, v.s the usual weeks or months long bouts of depression I often get.
It’s pretty normal Jenny, to feel a bit overwhelmed & have an anxiety/depression response after touring, especially as it’s to promote your current book.
As you always tell us, depression lies, & it usually seems like a bad dream when it’s over, & you can’t understand how or why you could feel so bad, when things are actually going so well.
Take care of yourself Jenny, & remember, we’re your tribe because we’ve all been there ourselves, that’s why we love you so much, as you’re one of the few ones out there that are crazy like us, but willing to write about it without being anonymous.
Jenny I’ve been in the dark place too and am emerging a bit today as well. Thinking of you and all our tribe. Thank you all for not giving up. You help me not to give up too.
At a party, where the baseball game was on TV, my cousin asked how long the rain delay would be.
Sorry to hear about your dark spell, but glad you’re peeking out from it. The other week I was barely making it through the day. Just work up this morning to one of those wake-up lights. Helped a lot to get out of bed (sure, I could have gone back to sleep a hundred times after I was up). Thank you so much for posting more of these; I was laughing so hard the tears were just rolling.
A nurse put me into my new rheumatologist’s waiting room. I sat quietly waiting for her, when suddenly the light went out. I thought someone had switched it off from outside, and waited patiently, not daring to stand up and possibly trip over medical equipment. Was my face red when Dr. came inside and the light came back on. It was a motion light.
I don’t have anywhere else to say this. I had the worst day at work. I’ve been crying since 11am. When I get this upset it takes an least a week to recover. I hate mean girl bullshit.
Too long for Twitter: Summer in college, working at McDonald’s in my hometown. One of my friends was working at the video store next door, and came in one day to get lunch for the whole crew over there. After ordering 2 Big Macs, 3 Quarter Pounders, seven orders of fries, drinks, etc., I looked him in the eye and said, “For here or to go?” He said, “I’m going to sit down right here and eat it all.” Ugh.
@benh172: I am so very sorry for your loss. My friends lost their 10 year old daughter to cancer almost three years ago. Cancer sucks so hard.
Reading these tweets reminded me of something I did years ago, which at the time was the.end.of.the.world, but remembering it made me laugh so hard, I kept waking up the pets. I’m still laughing.
I love reading these and getting reminded of the awkward things I’ve done. Most recently it was seeing a just married couple in ears at Disneyland. Remembering how nice it was when people congratulated my husband and I, I start to think about congratulating them, except I’m awkward and I speak quietly, but this time I manage to shout at them “CONGragumations!”
The bride seemed to understands my loud stammering and said thank you.
Another post above reminds me of when i used to wear Dansko clogs everywhere and proceeded to roll my ankle and fall in the street after just meeting my husband’s (at the time my boyfriend’s ) friend for the first time. I also fell in front of his family one of the first times we met and no, alcohol was not responsible for either incident, I’m just a klutz.
it’s been a helluva few weeks. thanks for reminding me of the funny moments
It’s been a rough week mental health-wise, and I devoured your book (with my name and your signature in the front!) on the days I couldn’t quite make it off the couch. I just read this list at my first night back at work, and feel better after a laugh (even if my coworkers think I’m nuts!)
Totally love you in a non creepy non stalkery way! You make me feel less bad about my awkwardness and remind me that people with anxiety and similar problems can be awesome as a sparkly unicorn!
You know, I find these all really funny but my face doesn’t move. Everyone is talking about crying, they are laughing so hard, or spitting up their coffee all over their monitor. Why am I so motionless?
I’v been in a similar dark place for while now and I seem to be stuck. Once in awhile I manage to shower or do something productive and then I get sucked back in to the same hole. Thanks for the laughs, it definitely helps. :\
Oh. My. God. These are funny. Perfect for reading with my coffee this morning and great way to start the day. Hope you feel better soon!!!
And for all of you who actually read all these comments, here’s one. Had to go to bathroom in middle of night. Didn’t want to turn on light so as not to wake the hubby. Sat down, missed the toilet seat, butt hits the floor, peed on floor. Husband wasn’t even home.
I have read random blog posts of yours to my husband off an on for the last year, and recently “made” him listen to your audio books on a very very long car trip. He apparently recognizes some of our fights in the way you and victor get along… The post it note chapter from let’s pretend this never happened was particularly funny to us. Knowing that a couple like us has been together happily for as long as you two have is awesome. But the point of this is to tell you that he is by himself somewhere in Texas and I think he’s buying weird taxidermy as a present for me and if he does we are bringing it to a book signing and you will have to sign it because you totally started this. You rock so much.
#57 benh1972 I understand a little of what you are going through. I struggled with the unexpected loss of my Dad for a long time. Jenny is a great light to help find your way out of the dark. But don’t be afraid to find grief counseling, too. I never thought I was a group therapy kind of person, but it helped me when I was at my lowest. Know that your family, friends and co-workers care, but many people don’t know what to say or how to discuss it with you. It helps to find the people who can talk about it – or cry about it – with you. Hugs to you.
Hope you feel better soon. Dark times for many right now. Love these posts and can relate to more than I’d like to admit.
These do not get old. I’m peeing my pants over here!
These are great! I identify with so many…oh and btw – I have a couple of extra spoons today that you are more than welcome to borrow.
And then there was the time I accidentally set my hair on fire in chem lab at university. Forgot to pin back my very long bangs whilst looking at the burner flame through cobalt glass. Leaned forward too far – flash! crackle! poof! – suddenly had very short, singed fringe instead. Thankfully only my hair & my pride were injured.
Sending light & love to you, Jenny, and to the whole tribe.
Every time my husband enters our bedroom when I’m distracted, I jump and startle. We’ve been married 35 years. Its starting to get awkward.
hope things are looking a little bit brighter today. I received an email from Domino this morning with you listed in their ‘8 books to read over the holidays’ article. Furiously Happy was one slot above Little Women–nice job!!!!! 🙂 http://domino.com/what-to-read?utm_source=Sailthru&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=winner&utm_term=Daily%20maybe?
Feel better! (On a vacation day so I can laugh more freely today.)
Thanks so much for continuing to post these. My son has (sometimes) crippling social anxiety, and is at an age where he is always finding himself in new situations, and regrettably does not want to talk to his mother about anything. I started reading him these awkward moments as a way of letting him know that he’s not alone. And it helped. In fact, it’s the only thing that ever has. You have my gratitude forever. Thank you for being fucking brave and sharing your story. I know there are many more people out there who have been saved by it.
Thanks for continuing to post these. Read some to hubby who was having a bad day. Definitely cheered him.
I am not on Twitter but wanted to share one.. My mom was anxious about my very young son needing to see a pediatric oral surgeon. She told my father I was taking him to the “tooth puller-outer”. We don’t let her forget that!
Yay for being able to read with Hailey and even do laundry! That’s huge!
Dying laughing. And trying not to pee my pants. Thank you, and feel brighter soon.
Crossing the border from Canada to US, border guard asks me where we all live. I said Canadian!!! Was assuming he was going to ask my citizenship. Duh.
And that is why I don’t have a tattoo. I know I’d mistake it for a spider.
Just excellent!
I have been sick for couple months, feeling really crappy today. I read these and laughed so hard! Thanks for posting them. Jen
Thank you so much for sharing these again! I have had a particularly dark week and have been in a terrifyingly lonely place I have never been before. Reading these tweets, I suddenly found myself laughing – a total belly laugh where tears are pouring down my face, but this time for a good reason. Thank you for helping take me out of my head and getting me to laugh.
Had smart elevators in my building that a rfid card tells the elevator what floor to take you to. Got used to smart elevators and walked into a normal elevator… Didn’t go anywhere for 2 min before the doors re opened at the lobby for someone else to get in and I remembered I had to push a button…
I don’t tweet. It’s not against my beliefs or anything; I just don’t have a smart phone and don’t want to use up all my minutes, so there’s this: In a parent/teacher conference with me (middle-aged dad) and 3 young women teachers (2 that I’m sure are involved with men and the third, I think–well, it doesn’t really matter what I think, does it?) I mentioned that sometimes I think that my daughter (4th grade at the time), like a lot of kids, was at times, “Well, I don’t really want to use ‘the L word.'” I immediately realized my stupid mistake, but the 2 seconds between me saying “the L word” and me explaining that I was “so cleverly” saying that kids were too LAZY to do homework–that was a long 2 seconds. I mean, the L word in today’s world pretty much has only one meaning right? I was surprised that they didn’t all get huge eyes and have a minute of silence like the entire cast of Family Guy would when Peter tells the world some horrible TMI story.
Why I feel the need to put long comments here when I rarely have commented before, I don’t know, but if I ever say anything TOO awkward, I use “the David Niven denial.” Paraphrasing from some old Reader’s Digest anecdote: Niven (late British actor and the definition of suave and debonair) was talking to a man at a party, when 2 women began to descend the stairs in front of them.
Niven: That’s the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.
Other guy: That’s my wife.
Niven: I meant the other one.
OG: That’s my daughter.
Niven: I didn’t say it!!
George Takei just linked a story about you and this topic on his Facebook page
Oh, all RIGHT—here’s just one of many of mine.
Got invited to a really great, long established Halloween party. Hubby dressed as vampire, I went as victim, wearing a nightgown, cute little hand-made bats jiggling above my head, nicely dead face makeup, and the best part—carefully hand-painted, totally realistic, puncture wounds on my neck. NO comments. Thought no one could see them, so I started pulling my hair aside and pointing them out. Slightly odd responses to that, which I understood after an eventual visit to the bathroom and a glance in the mirror. My oh-so-realistic fang marks had melted and smooshed into nothing resembling so much as a giant hickey. We were never invited again.
My girlfriend saw a purse she liked. I took a pic of the tag so we could remember it. She asked me what color it was, I said “Faddy-High-Drang” (Short for ‘Faded Hydrangea’)
Girlfriend nearly died laughing. I went and got the purse, even rescuing it from being sent to a wholesale place. We still call it that.
I have been asked not to read these while he is watching a game…I simply rolled my eyes continued reading and laughing and began to read them to him, needless to say he he went in the bedroom to finish watching the game…Living room take over accomplished!
My girlfriend found a purse she loved at a department store. I took a pic of the tag so we could look for it at a cheaper store later.
Later, she asked me what color it was. My reply “Faddy-High-Drang” reading off the tag. Short for “Faded Hydrangea”.
Girlfriend nearly dies laughing. I go back next day and buy it, no way I wasn’t. We still call it that.
I used to work for a company that was abbreviated “T & A”. My son once told our pediatrician that his mom “does t & a for her job”.
Truly needed this. Laughed so hard it turned into a coughing fit … And pee. Worth it 😉
I went to the bank and said “I’m here to pay my mortgage. ..no wait my car loan..I really don’t live in my car!!! What’s the grace period? 14 or 16 days because today it’s 16 days late….she said it’s 15 days and I said well I couldn’t pay it yesterday because it was Sunday….wait yesterday was Monday …now you really think I live in my car, I don’t even know what day it is”!!!
Aaaaaaaahhh George Takei shared thiserrrrrrrrr!!! How exciting for you!!!
I’m glad you are starting to come out of the hole. You’ve pulled me out of the ones I’ve fallen into countless, numerous, silly amounts of times. You’re amazing, a brilliant bright star in a dark world and I love that you exist.
I’m a latecomer to the party…per usual. But glad I stumbled upon your work, lady…really. For years I wondered if my depression was a result of laziness or if the laziness was a biproduct of depression. Then, as if by magic, the matter ceased to be of any interest or relevance when the cats started to prefer piles of laundry over their cat boxes. One hour at a time…24 hours a day, every day, seven days a week, GUARANTEED! Not a threat..just a fact!—Catz
Sigh. I have mortified myself soooo many times over the years …
• 22 years old, horny and out with boyfriend looking for “submarine races.” 1st spot no longer exists; 2nd spot is now high traffic area; 3rd spot is just right. In back seat of my car 1/2 naked with boyfriend, cop knocks on steamed-up window. Shit. Throw on clothes and climb back into driver’s seat. Show ID/registration and explain what we were doing there. The whole time cop is standing there with flashlight aimed into car. He finally tells us we need to find somewhere else to go because we’re on a private drive and waits for us to leave. Boyfriend start ribbing me about being too concerned about holding my blouse closed for the entire exchanged when I should have been more concerned about “that” and points to my lap. My wrap-around, easy access skirt was NOT wrapped-’round and I had not taken the time to put my underwear back on after the knock on the window. Cop had his flashlight on me the whole time.
•Saw the same cop on the other side of town at a convenience store two weeks later. Turned around and walked out.
•Moved in with boyfriend. A few weeks later had a dream that I was in the bathroom peeing. Woke up and realized I was actually in the midst of peeing the bed. He married me anyway.
•Bathroom light switch is about 3 steps in from door. Turn light off one night while carrying a saucer full of cat food; take about four steps out and into pitch black hallway, turn left and slam with a bang face first into hall closet door. Cat food all over robe. Husband is still laughing and waiting for a repeat.
•Sexy time with boyfriend (now husband); several lighted candelabra on the dresser, romance ensues. Sexy time over, blow out candles for sleepy time. Wake up 10 minutes later freaked out, screaming the house is on fire, smoke everywhere. NOPE. Just residual smoke from all the blown out candles. He married me anyway.
•New house and it’s about 2 weeks before Christmas. I’m off work and cleaning house, winter blizzard is just starting, snow is flying. Have the tiny Shop-Vac out to vacuum the tile in the bathroom and move into the hallway to do the baseboards and smell something burning. Look towards the dining room and see nothing but smoke. Run to dining room and see black streak running up wall above electrical outlet. Time to freak. Yank extension cord from wall and throw it and the Shop-Vac out the back door into the snow; grab phone to call 911 while running to garage to switch off breaker box. Slap off each individual breaker because I’m too stupid to hit the one switch which turns off the whole box off. Run to basement to do the same thing to the 2nd breaker box. Realize that no one is answering my 911 call, THEN realize I have to actually DIAL 911 and do so. Call husband at his new job and sputter something about smoke/fire/comehomenow/firedepartmentontheway! Start gathering animals and important things like my wallet and car keys when the fire department shows up and I’m suddenly speechless at the herd of gorgeous guys flowing into house. Um wow. Now it’s hot. Crew inspects house, husband make it home in record time and in a blizzard to boot. 1st floor checks out, everybody troops to the basement for inspection; fire chief notices all the opposing football team decor and jokingly announces if he knew we were Browns fans, he wouldn’t have shown up. Fire department concludes the extension cord was bad—don’t use it anymore. Husband rolls his eyes and goes back to work. New neighbors think I’m nucking futz. I learned a great lesson … there’s a building full of hotties less than a half-mile from home that can save me from my own stupidity and look mighty fine while doing it. Husband still teases me intentionally trying to burn the house down just to see the calendar quality crew!
These are just a few of my LESS mortifying moments in 50 years of life. Then there’s the daily shit …
Once my toddler touched the hot stove top and burnt his fingers. My husband grabbed an ice pack out of the freezer and proceeded to put it directly on my son’s hand. I yelled “don’t, you’ll burn the baby”!! Meaning freezer burn…sigh….
I didn’t think these could get better (I read them all, from the beginning), but I kept on laughing, so hard I cried. I found myself saying, “Oh, I’ve done that too,” but here’s one that might be unique. When the Apple iPod first came out, I had no clue as to how it worked. I bought one, and for the first couple days kept pointing it at the sky like it was an antenna, wondering why I couldn’t catch any radio stations (I work in Information Technology, by the way).
P.S. So glad I met you in person at the book signing in Cambridge.
Was often referred to as “Little Darcee” at an office I worked at whilst in my early twenties. One day, my employer, Richard/Dick greeted me with “Good morning, Little Darcee.” With no fore thought, I came back with “Good morning, Big Dick.” Spent the morning hiding in my cubby.
So great to read these. Have been in a deeper darker place than usual (can I just be put into an elective coma until January 2nd?) past few days as 2nd birthday and Thanksgiving since wife died. See myself in everyone of these. My wife made me laugh every day. Thanks for helping me laugh.
So great to read these. Have been in a deeper darker place than usual (can I just be put into an elective coma until January 2nd?) past few days as 2nd birthday and Thanksgiving since wife died. See myself in everyone of these. My wife made me laugh every day. Thanks for helping me laugh.
Embarrassment #3,489,129: I came to your Austin book signing with my daughter–so excited to get to meet you. I got up to the table and started babbling about how we were practically neighbors and we should have coffee sometime and then exclaimed “I’m not a stalker!” You were very kind and didn’t call security. I walked out and gently banged my head against the wall for about fifteen minutes. Arrgh. My heartfelt apologies.
Confused text to hubby with call to colleague I was on at the same time. Texted hubby “I’ll get those figures for you” and told colleague “I love you” as I hung up phone. Good times.
One time at summer camp as a kid, I had a dream that I was going to wet myself. Somehow realized it was a dream, so I told myself it was fine if I did. Not just dream urine. I had to wake up the counselor in the bunk beneath me to help me clean up and change and she was nice enough (and brave enough) to let me share her bed for the remainder of the night. The next day my sleeping bag had to be hung outside to dry, so plenty of people probably figured out what happened. >.<
was in florence on the bridge that was the only one not bombed out in WW2. (not remembery with the names…) it was jam-packed with tiny 10’X10′ jewelry shops on either side. i am NOT one for gaudy, ornate, gold and diamonds, but saw something beautiful in the window that really struck me. i let out an, “Oooooooh!”, leaned down to look, and audibly bonked my forehead on the glass. was still laughing (and thinking i was a dork) when another girl walked up, “ooh”-ed, and bonked her forehead. i squealed “i just did the EXACT. SAME. THING!” we laughed, then got consolation gelato.
ooh! ooh! this one’s better: was 21 and going to bf’s family’s the first time for christmas. we were in rurrrrrral-as-fuck georgia, and stopped to pee at a gas station/bait-and-tackle. bf went in while i – dressed to the nines in a little black dress and pumps – walked my 85 lb. pitbull/hound dog mix, max. when bf came out of the bathroom, all 5 fellas in the store had lined up at the front window, where finally one drawled, “daaaaaamn… that’s a good lookin’ dog!”
Once took my dog to the vet. Was SUPER excited and raced all around the waiting room smelling everything. Smiled at all the vets and wagged her tail. Super cute. Vet comes from behind the desk to pet her. Bends down, lets dog jump on her, and my dog…pees all over her and the floor. I was mortified. Tiger was pleased.