This would be funnier if you were drunk too.

in Random Crap, stuff better left unpublished, weekly reruns

A morning in the life of me:

This morning I went to see Sisters at the movies with my friend Maile.  We were concerned that it might not be funny and we needed it be so we ordered drinks but the movie theater was like, “It’s illegal to sell you booze this early on Sunday morning unless you get food because Texas is weird” but then they admitted that the slice of lime they put on the side of my margarita counts as food, which was awesome because then we were lightly buzzed and also we weren’t going to get scurvy.  I had to pee halfway through the movie but I didn’t want to miss anything so I ran as fast as I could to the restroom, but on the way back I guess I was running too fast (and my feet shrunk because it’s cold here) so as I was running my shoe shot off my foot and flew into the air and when it fell it hit a stranger in the back.    And he was looking up at the ceiling like, “What just fell on me?” and I looked up the air, like I was also concerned that things were falling and said, “Whoa.  What just happened?” as I slipped my shoe back on (which sounds bad but my shoe barely hit him and it was really embarrassing so technically we were both victims) and then I ran back to my seat and told Maile we couldn’t leave because I hit someone with a flying shoe.  And she’s a good friend because she didn’t even blink.  Then this old lady beside us had to go to the bathroom but she lost her balance and almost toppled down the stairs but Maile grabbed her in a concerned man-handling sort of way and kept her from breaking all of her hips, so I think our karma equaled out.  (Saving old ladies > owning a shoe that kicks people in the back.) Like, technically I think we could even kick a few puppies and we’d still be up on the karma points.  Not that we would.  I’m just saying that we could, but we wouldn’t.  Which makes our karma even higher, I think.  Choosing not to kick puppies is a +2 to your karma score every day, y’all.  This is science.

So, long story short, I know this is gonna piss a lot of people off, but Sisters was way funnier than Star Wars.  Sorry, not sorry.

PS.  The booze may not have completely worn off yet.  Sorry.  For real.  Sorry.

PPS.  Also, our husbands and kids met us for lunch afterward and Victor ordered fish.  I think it’s supposed to be fancy but basically they just dropped a whole fish in the fryer which seems like the laziest way to make fish ever.  I usually don’t get why people post pictures of their food and drinks on the internet but I’m making an exception because THEY DIDN’T EVEN REMOVE THE TEETH.  I didn’t even know fish had teeth, so maybe they added them?  I don’t know how fish work.

fishteeth

PPPS.  Sorry again.  For all the stuff above.  The usual.

*******

And now, the weekly wrap-up:

sth

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

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179 thoughts on “This would be funnier if you were drunk too.”

Read comments below or add one.

  6. Yep. Fish have teeth. So do iguanas. So, don’t go sticking your finger in their mouths. I know this from experience and didn’t even NEED alcohol to make that work.

  7. I’m confused about one thing. Did you slip on your shoe, or did you slip your shoe on? or both?

  8. I think I may have peed a little reading this. Needed the laugh today, thank you.

  9. Fried fish eyeballs are likely a delicacy…..somewhere. Ick. Margaritas and a movie? Yes please! The tequila might make me want to sit in a room full of humans aka a movie theater!

  10. I am going to go see Sisters as soon as I can find a theater around here which serves booze, in your honor. So Tina and Amy owe you a check, yo.

  12. God bless The Alamo (Drafthouse). Making an assumption but they should get credit because they are the first I know of that serve alcohol at the movies. I heart The Alamo.

  13. My Favorite Blue Law: When we moved to Texas in 1982, on Sundays you couldn’t buy alcohol until after noon, but you couldn’t buy an Atari cartridge ALL DAY.

  14. My husband ordered a fish like that once, and I couldn’t eat until he covered its face with a napkin.

  16. We have special theatres in Canada where you can order an entire bottle of wine and kick whatever the f*ck you want. But not small animals. Obviously. Because it’s Canada. You should totally come to the movies here.

  17. This post is brilliant. Love the fish visual. Wish I had a husband named Victor I could write about, maybe I could make one up? …meantime only have a dog. Might work on that. Bet wishes to you Lady Bloggess.

  18. Jee. Sus.
    How many times do I have to tell you kids? No eyeballs allowed on the dinner plates! It’s tacky, and probably not even kosher.

  20. Postscript from Carmen ….actually my sister and me are NOT getting on. I do all that I can to communicate via smoke signals, etc. Offer chocolates & so forth. She’s my “big sister” and me her annoying baby sister. And dealing with her is like dealing with Vladmir Putin. Would love to see that sisters movie. But fear I may cry throughout the whole thing. Since my father died – he used to keep everything in order – sister siblings have gone feral. Any tips. I finding writing about them to be great therapy ….plus the meds. cheers.

  21. I’m glad you saved the old lady from breaking “all of her hips”. BTW, how many would that be?

    (ALL OF THEM. ~ Jenny)

  23. I actually helped my dad quarter a salmon and was playing with its mouth and tongue (salmons have huge tongues) pretending it’s talking and trying to bite people and yet…
    I still find your fish disturbing…

  24. I’m so glad you liked Sisters. Disclaimer: I haven’t seen it yet. But I WANT to see it and I love Tina Fey and Amy Pohler and I’m willing to drink whatever it takes but I’m now worried that my shoes will fly off or I’ll be the old lady losing her balance on the stairs and noone will catch me and I’ll break both my hips and possibly my lumbar spine and my doctor will be all, “SEE! I TOLD YOU TO TAKE THE OSTEOPOROSIS MEDICINE!!” but I’m afraid of the osteoporosis medicine because I’ve read that it can cause femur fractures and jaw necrosis and how can either of those possibly be better than a broken hip? So, maybe I won’t go see Sisters. Athough I really really want to.

  25. I like that you get karma points for not kicking puppies. I have never kicked a puppy (or a cat). I did kick Roger Frasier when I was eight, but he totally deserved it.

  26. Lol. Seriously, nothing with eyeballs should be served. At least make my meat look less like animal before serving. That’s just lazy.

  27. I haven’t seen Sisters, but there were parts of Star Wars that WERE damn funny. If you wondered. But also parts that made me want to weep.

  28. The fish – woof, gag! Who can eat something that looks like that? I don’t think I could have even stayed at the same table! Gross!!!

  29. I could not eat something that had it’s head on it and teeth in its mouth…kinda like the duck in A Christmas Story..but that’s just me…:)

  30. I hand delivered a Christmas Eve card to my my 92 year old neighbour, and later she gave me a card, and asked if we could go get our mail together. I helped her walk down our lumpy driveway so she wouldn’t tip over.
    When I got home, I opened the card and there was a cheque for fifty bucks inside. I wouldn’t normally cash it, but I remembered that Seinfeld episode where Jerry cashed all his grandmother’s cheques all at once, and her account got cleaned out.
    I wouldn’t want that to happen to Lilian. So I cashed it.

  31. I just got Furiously Happy for Christmas and am on my second read through. Also bought a copy for my therapist. I feel like you would approve of this decision. Therapy is going to be so much more interesting after he reads it! Either that or I’ll be fitted for a strait jacket. Either way, definitely more interesting. If he goes with option b, which I doubt because he’s awesome, I promise I’ll be screaming “but it’s a New York Times bestseller motherfucker!!” as they drag me away.

  32. That fish is fucking weird. I wouldn’t eat it. It may give me nightmares just seeing the fucking thing. I need a drink, fruit optional.

  33. Ha! Sounds like a great day. Glad you both had a blast, and the balance was restored. Cheers to many more moments of smiles and raised eyebrows

  36. Okay, is no one else wondering what that bizarre fluorescent green thing is next to the fish? Is that a vegetable? A garnish? I assume everyone else is too mesmerized by the teeth and/or eyeballs to wonder. Which, I guess, makes me a little too blasé about teeth and eyeballs?

  37. I’m with Amy C. above – that fish looks like a fracking piranha.

    When I first saw the fish pic, I thought you were going to say you had taken part in the old Czech tradition of buying a live carp a couple of days before Christmas, let it swim in the tub, then eat it for dinner on Christmas Eve. It’s not like there isn’t a precedent for that type of shenanigans occuring within your family. ☺ 🐟 🍷

  38. Poor damn fishy! Merry Freakin’ Christmas to him, huh? I like my food in small, tasty bites that would require DNA tests to identify. I don’t want to feel like a murderer.

  42. Just finished both of your fabulously hysterical wonderful books! I am also a Stephen King fan, so it would be creepy if I said, “I’m your #1 fan!” But I am not creepy, however I don’t eat food that’s staring at me.

  44. Spent much of Christmas Day in an urgent care clinic getting the tip of my thumb sewn back on. The shots of numbing agent hurt far worse than the actual stitches. I think I might have levitated a bit off the gurney. They had to sew through the nail. I know. All because I was chopping celery for a stuffed acorn squash which was supposed to be a healthy vegetarian Christmas dinner dish. The hell with “healthy.” Next time I’m ordering fried piranha takeout.

    And happy birthday, Jenny! I know it’s a couple days early, but you really can’t have enough birthday celebration. Can’t let that Jesus kid hog the entire spotlight. I’d give you a thumbs up, but… Well…

  47. You make me laugh out loud. I’m reading your second book right now and I’ve been laughing a lot today. And when you’re around other people and you are laughing at a book out loud, it feels weird. But I don’t care so, Thank you. 🙂

  49. I watched Sisters last weekend and have told anyone who will listen that it’s the best worst movie I’ve ever seen and I just want to watch it again because it was so funny in a terribly awful but yet amazing type of way.

    Shockingly the NYT hasn’t come a-knockin’ begging me to write movie reviews for them…

  51. Boy, am I out of touch. Isn’t Sisters a song that Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye sing, dressed like women, in the movie White Christmas? It is pretty funny. But I doubt that’s the movie you’re talking about.

  52. I kick puppies all of the time. But it’s their fault for walking in front of my foot when I’m holding a big dog and can’t look down. It’s so routine at my job that we call it the Punt the Puppy Game.

  54. Have you read Amy Poheler’s book? It’s pretty funny. She’s pretty self depreciating and real. I listened to Tina Fey’s book sample and I hate to say this but it didn’t wow me. I almost felt un-American saying that b/c I do love her but I didn’t find it lacked humor
    .

  56. I don’t think there’s anything better than to be able to laugh at all the crap that your day can throw at you. Keep laughing. It’s the best medicine. Thoroughly enjoyed this. Thanks!

  57. I’m planning on taking my Gusband and my sister to that movie! I’m so happy a it got your nod of approval!!

  58. You need the RunPee app – they go see the movies and tell you when a good time is to leave the move e and go pee. It. Is. Awesome.

  60. Fish totally have teeth. Nemo might have had teeth, my fishology doesn’t really go that far, but, yeah. And when you cook a whole fish, it’s not really lazy, there’s something-something in the chemistry-something-integrity that changes the taste. Also, respect fot the animal that gave its life. It’s not just a fish, it’s a metaphor, and reality itself, bending overbackwards and touching post-post-postmodernist metaphysical Truth.

  62. Fish is moister and sweeter when fried whole. Not only that, but you can be sure what kind of fish you are eating. Just about all animal protein comes from something with eyes- might as well face it (SORRY for the pun)

  63. you are better than Prozac.
    you tickle me w/ your words.
    “Furiously Happy” was one of my fave. books of 2015 OMGGGGGGGGGG
    your mishaps become my giggles.
    the fish above is ugly as hell. I feel sorry for him.
    love from MN. x

  64. I have happily eaten Ham Yue (those tiny crunchy salty little fish with the eyeballs still in) but that giant fried Slab o’ Jaws is the most frightening thing I’ve ever seen. And I have a very adventurous palate. 🙂

  66. Egads, that fish’s sunken fried eye and thread-like teeth are just too horrifying for me to look at this early in the morning (it is 11:37 a.m. here). I don’t look at grotesque fish until much later in the day. Maybe I’ll go see a movie.

  68. Hee hee hee! I read this sitting on my front porch and laughed so loudly it scared my horses, who immediately bungled their high-powered flight by slipping in a lot of mud (incessant rain here). Now they are all muddy and pissed off and back at the fence demanding treats for all this indignity. I told them that hilarious blog posts from you do not equal apples. Today they equal fish. Horses don’t like fish. I win.

  70. Seriously, Jenny! How do you think piranhas eat an entire cow in a few seconds without teeth?
    Gums don’t cut it.

  71. Oh my goodness, that reminds me of the time my sister and I went to see some stupid horror movie. It wasn’t a great movie. But our friend was in the front of the theater and we were in the back and we could hear her breath, and we laughed for the first part of the movie. Then, a ceiling tile fell right in the middle of the movie and we were laughing again. Then, there was a bomb threat at the mall and we all had to go stand outside for a while.

  72. Those fish teeth — holy crap!. Makes that time I was snorkeling and a huge school of fish was following me everywhere seem less magical and amazing and more menacing and creepy.

  73. I have to admit, I was a little grossed out by the close-up fish face, but then you went and totally redeemed yourself with The Shining gingerbread house. The shoe incident is embarrassing but at least you didn’t get yelled at. Once I went to the movies with my mom and she dumped nearly her entire bucket of popcorn on a guy. He jumped up and started to yell at her but after she apologized profusely he calmed down. Still, I bet he had weird grease stains on his shirt afterwards.

  75. Oh yes, fish have teeth. shudder My ex used to take us to this lake in a local forestry area. And the fish were always biting my legs. Only me, never anyone else. So they thought I was crazy. I eventually refused to go in the lake with the biting fish. I prefer pools and things that are filtered with no fish, except the ocean was fun last spring, and no fish bit me at all. sigh

  77. That fish reminds me of the studio diner, in San Diego, where the waitress claimed they do a whole fried fish because that’s how they do it in new England or even Boston, I’m originally from Massachusetts and no, that’s not how they do it there. I agree it’s a totally lazy way to do a fish, but if you order one in a Chinese restaurant, that’s how you get the fish, whole with the guts removed. Last time I went to the Chinese grocery store they actually had a chart of how they could sell you fish, eg whole, gutted, fileted, fried whole, fried whole with the head removed etc. I wish I had taken a photo!

  78. That fish reminds me of the studio diner, in San Diego, where the waitress claimed they do a whole fried fish because that’s how they do it in new England or even Boston, I’m originally from Massachusetts and no, that’s not how they do it there. I agree it’s a totally lazy way to do a fish, but if you order one in a Chinese restaurant, that’s how you get the fish, whole with the guts removed. Last time I went to the Chinese grocery store they actually had a chart of how they could sell you fish, eg whole, gutted, fileted, fried whole, fried whole with the head removed etc. I wish I had taken a photo!

  79. My husband loves that kind of fish, and one time, we paid our 16-year-old $50 to eat one of the eyeballs. She was grossed out but never underestimate what a teenager will do for cash.

  80. Texas “Blue Laws” were put into effect in 1863 and most lasted until 1985. Besides no alcohol on Sundays, the laws even included hardware stores. (No working on Sundays, ’cause you know.) They could sell hammers and screwdrivers, but no nails or screws. So basically you could get hammered on a Sunday, but not screwed. Ba-da-bum, ching!

  82. If it makes you feel any better, Jenny (and anyone else), my hairdresser nearly got into a fight defending my honor at a screening of American Hustle that we attended; it seems the jackoff in the row ahead of us objected loudly and obnoxiously to my telling Dana (hairdresser) what the movie was basically about, Dana told him to knock it off and leave me alone, and for a moment there I was more than a little worried…fortunately, Jackoff shut up and we all watched the movie in peace. (I wasn’t even spoiling anything, since it was opening night and none of us knew how it would end.) Some people…

    BTW, isn’t it your birthday today? Happy birthday, and may you have all the cake and lactose-free ice cream you can stand!

  83. That reminds me of the time our waitress (at a pricey, upscale local seafood restaurant) described the catch of the day as having a sheep’s head and human teeth. And when told “no one wants that, please stop talking about it”, she kept on. I couldn’t even order food after hearing that.

  84. That fish could save your life if you run into the angel statues from “Blink”!!! Um . . . unless Victor already ate it, then you are doomed.

  85. My SO ordered fish once, not realizing they meant an entire fish until he brought it home.
    Unnerved by the sight of slightly-deflated fish eyeballs, he put it outside for the trash pandas and we ordered pizza.

  86. I clicked over, expecting the don’t-blink boxers to be magic-eye picture boxers. I wonder if that’s something that should happen or something that should NEVER happen?

  87. My SO ordered fish once, not realizing that the takeout place meant an entire fish until he brought it home.
    Unnerved by the sight of slightly-deflated fish eyeballs, he put it outside for the trash pandas and we ordered pizza.

  91. My dad ordered a fish like that when I was 12, and it freaked me out so much, I didn’t eat fish again until well into my 20s. And now into my 40s, I still ask waiters “does this look like a fish?…”

  92. I was reading your book, Furiously Happy, and you had that chapter called the big quiz, and you said how amazing a person is. Yeah, I feel so amazing being home alone listening to my little sister cry, afraid to go comfort her because I don’t know how to comfort people, and instead am pretending to not notice and put on my headphones. I feel so horrible.

    (You are not horrible. You are highly empathetic and afraid of hurting someone already in pain. That is a good thing. But next time it happens just tell her that you’re here for her and that she should tell you what she needs if you can help. Chances are that just knowing you have her back will make a difference. Sending you love. ~ Jenny)

  94. I saw both movies but Sisters after a break-up so I didn’t laugh so much as try not to cry:). Hate it when a bad breakup ruins a good movie. But Star Wars–well, I was better:). I’m just staying away from anything too sad–don’t try your flying shoe bit in a heart wrench flick. People get crazy:).

  96. One of my last meals as an omnivore, which helped cement my decision to become vegetarian, was a fish that stared at me while I was eating it. That shit creeps me the hell out. Food should not be able to stare at you. Or bite you with teeth.

  97. Oh, and to add to the grossness of fish eyeballs, my mom says she used to love fish head soup until she actual made it. When you eat it, the fish heads are gone (you just make the stock out of them), but when you make it, the eyeballs float to the top and stare at you from beyond their fishy graves. I’m not sure she even ate the soup she made.

  100. I now want to buy something from Garage Door Nation despite the fact that I don’t even have a garage, simply in appreciation of the utter randomosity that is their sponsorship of your magnificent post. I am a marketing professional’s wet dream, CLEARLY.

  102. That fish should come with a trigger warning. I have a wicked phobia of (very specifically) dead fish, and it FREAKED ME THE FUCK OUT.

  103. Was pleasantly surprised at how funny Sisters was. Also, no shoes were flung, so bonus (that is totally something I would do). I hope Jeremy Wade personally flung that toothy monster in the batter for Victor. shudder

  104. After reading some of the comments I have vowed NOT to buy or listen to any more of your books.
    I find myself reading the comments using your voice in my head. That can’t be normal!
    But I do wish you continued success.

  105. I have read both of your books and now you’re blog. I must say that you are actually helping my depression as I have felt as though I was spiraling down the drain with no happiness and now I come read some of your blog and it brings laughter and happiness to my life and I don’t feel alone for a little while! Keep the books coming your awesome and your helping me and I’m sure many others!!

  108. Fish have teeth. I’ve always thought they were adorable. Tiny wittle teefers. But maybe that’s just because I love fish. Yup. But the teeth should probably be removed before consumption. But then again, squid have tiny little teeth on their tentacles and those aren’t removed before consumption, and I’m rambling again.

  109. This is a really good tip particularly to those fresh to the blogosphere.
    Brief but very accurate info… Thanks for sharing this one.
    A must read article!

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