Haikus for yous.

in Random Crap, weekly reruns

I am on a lot of pain medication because I pinched a nerve in my neck last night but it’s Sunday so I will power through the pain and write you this wrap-up BECAUSE I LOVE YOU.  Even more than when I’m not high on pain killers.  Except I’m too groogy to think straight so instead I’m just going to write you some haikus.  People think haikus are super easy because they don’t have to rhyme, but they do have to fall into a 5-7-5 syllable scheme which means I’m doing poetry AND math, so back off asshole.  (Not you.  The asshole behind you who doesn’t like my haikus.  You’re fine.  I love you.)

Haiku #1

Victor blows his soup

Sometimes he’s too aggressive

My face is on fire.

 

Haiku #2

I would like more rum

Please, please, please, please, please.  Um, please?

Is that enough words?

Your turn!

(PS. Spellcheck tried to correct “groogy” to “groggy” but if you’ve ever been on pain killers you know that “groogy” is a much more accurate word.  It also suggested “groovy” and I get where you’re going with this, spellcheck, but pain killers make me vomit so it’s really not so “groovy “at all.  Stop trying to “help”, spellcheck.)

*******

And now, the weekly wrap-up:

bloggess sid

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

    • I went to the creepiest flea market ever.  And I love it.
    • It’s been 5 months and Furiously Happy is still on the top 20 NYT list.  That is all because of you and I can’t ever thank you enough.
    • Do you do adult coloring books to combat anxiety?  Because this is some next-level shit:  Sherlock and Doctor Who.

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by AgileBits, who brings you 1Password, a safe, secure place to keep all your website passwords, credit card information, passport and driver license information. 1Password works inside your web browser, helping you log in to your various online account and filling your address and credit card information in checkout forms on shopping websites. You can use 1Password to change your online account passwords to strong, secure, and unique ones, without worrying about having to remember them. All you need to remember is one password, the Master Password that unlocks the app. 1Password works on your computer, tablet and smartphone, simply and securely keeping all your information in sync, readily accessible wherever you are.an online store to give you the things you need. Get a 25% off discount for the week of February 21st to 29th by using “bloggess” as the coupon code.

177 thoughts on “Haikus for yous.”

Read comments below or add one.

  4. Took dog to the vet
    Got Tramadol for her pain
    Untapped market, that

    (I myself am not a fan of narcotic painkillers, but the ease with which I obtained them from the dog’s doc sure got me thinking…)

  9. I hurt my neck too,
    All that’s missing is you and
    feeling half my face

    Vicodin is cool,
    Why am I all out, oh, oh
    I took it all gone

    I had to face multiple days at work not lamenting my lack of vicodin, because that doesn’t fly in the workplace. Nor does telling people how high you are. Though telling people that you need more food wink, wink works.

  10. I can’t write haikus
    I’ve never been able to
    Oh shit! I just did.

    Blammo! Feel better soon, Jenny. Neck pain is a pain in the ass.

  15. Cake stuck to the pan
    Knew I should have used parchment
    Dunk pieces in rum.

    Have to clean the fridge
    Good Lord how old are these things?
    Should they all be green?

    Jeb dropped out of race
    Am so afraid Trump will win
    Move to Canada?

    Hop you get better soon!

  17. OK, legit question– are those doll heads for sale or is all part of deranged art exhibit? Seems like it could go either way.
    As a 40ish woman, this is the first haiku that popped into my brain:

    I don’t recognize
    my boobs in the mirror but
    they seem to be mine :/

    Good thing emoticons don’t count as syllables. Win!

  19. Cat tries to eat toast
    No, cat, no, there are raisins!
    A great big vet bill.

    Built a Cat Tardis.
    Now they can have adventures
    Barfed in holy grail.

  25. U have to look down to use a computer. Pinched nerve is for artists, writers, and bloggers. Welcome to our world, Jenny, with love, joy and peace of pinch. And a pinch of salt which helps by the way, if you don’t throw it over your shoulder and look back.

  28. Victor thought ‘yonce
    not a scary addition
    he won’t blink at this

    http://www.thisplanetearth.co.uk/page66.html Holey crap! Yeah I just found a full sized weeping angel for your garden (went on a slight tangent when looking for a quiet space for office renovation- am now trying to tell work they need a Tardis, not a phone booth)

  33. Can I just say that I wish my whole life had this option, with a helpful explanatory link: (If you’re confused, start here.)

  35. Comicon was fun
    I paid to hug James Marsters
    Then came loud giggles.

    James Marsters was Spike
    On that Buffy TV Show
    Chisled cheekbones, sigh…..

    I wore this costume
    The Idris/Sexy/TARDIS
    I love Doctor Who

    Now I’m back at work
    Comicon was WAY more fun
    Bills need to be paid.

  38. Was this deliberate? Because I think it’s awesome:

    Asshole behind you
    Who does not like my haikus
    Not you. I love you

    I’ve only ever done one haiku. I felt that with this one, I had solved the problem of haikus and therefore did not need to do it again. Here it is:

    count the syllables
    five, seven, then five again
    this is a haiku

  39. I avoid the adult colouring books. They are so busy, they make my anxiety worse! Instead I read and knit. 🙂

  44. I’m actually in a haiku circle, to which I infrequently contribute, but every so often I pull a winner out of my behind. I wrote this one about running last spring, and I hope you’ll enjoy–

    Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate

    Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate

    Hate. Love. I did it.

  47. I can’t haiku weather or not I’m on pain pills, but I have hurt my back before and I have been on pain pills before and I totally understand what you mean by the groogy love stuff and also, surprisingly, by the “my face is on fire” stuff, if by “my face is on fire” you mean, “the skin between my upper lip and nose won’t stop itching”. Also, in addition to unusual itches, pain pills also make me vomit. Get the to some anti-nausea medicine, Bloggess, so you can enjoy your experience a little better.

  48. The spellcheck in my head also corrected to groggy, and I had to go back and look to see if it really was groogy. It still is a much better description.

  53. Can’t talk to parents
    They act like I’m five years old
    I’m 43. Sigh.

    Sunday on my deck
    Tomorrow, clients will yell
    But now all is peace

  66. I am on a bed
    Just had an awesome flat white
    Looking at Corgis

    It’s totally pointless, but at least I got the formula right!

  79. Painkillers are cool.
    Take them ’til you can’t see straight,
    Then try not to drool!

    Feel better Jenny!

  81. You ate my chocolate
    Explosive diarrhea
    Is what you deserve
    (That’s chocolate with 2 syllables because I’m not British.)

  82. Depressed earlier
    Listened to your book, Jenny
    Now I feel better
    Did a weird laugh/cry thing at “Look out Sookie!” which was very cathartic. Your books are my antidepressants, thank you and feel better soon!

  84. Dog is barking now
    Can’t fly without umbrella
    Whoopie rocks jack flash

    Totally inspired by Jumpin Jack Flash the movie with Whoopie

    Did you ever feel
    When you woke; the world skewed
    And stuff you thought true
    Was gossamer dreams?

  92. Depression lingers
    Anxiety suffocates
    Pills, pills everywhere

    Pills in your pocket
    Or just happy to see me?
    Ha ha ha ha, I’ll leave now

  93. My mom called while I
    was reading this. I had to
    choose. Said ‘Fuck’ and read on.

    (i called her back. After )

    Feel better!

  98. I haven’t done this since grade school!!!

    Spell Check can suck it
    Stupid, judgy, program, thing
    But, seriously…

    A rebuttal from spell check:

    You made up “judgy”
    The word you want is “pudgy”
    English degree, huh?

    And now I’m trapped in an imaginary haiku argument with spell check.

    Getting technical,
    They are ALL made up, asshole!
    I repeat: SUCK IT.

  102. The flea market was messed up. Messed UP!. Not even trying with the Haikus… Hope your nerve is all better tout suite. Can you make notepads with Totes MaGoats for me/us? Purdy please. (you know.. in your spare time.. after you’ve had some more rum) <3 Gracias

  107. New faucets for sink
    Someone has to install them
    I can do this..right?

    Crossing my fingers and hoping self-doubt doesn’t kill the day’s project.

  118. if you get tired of Haikus, try Cinquians
    The didactic cinquain is closely related to the Crapsey cinquain…….. Ordinarily, the first line is a one-word title, the subject of the poem; the second line is a pair of adjectives describing that title; the third line is a three-word phrase that gives more information about the subject (often a list of three gerunds); the fourth line consists of four words describing feelings related to that subject; and the fifth line is a single word synonym or other reference for the subject from line one

    Poem
    a haiku
    out of control
    I have become inspired!
    Cinquian

  123. Have you heard of the “Swear Word Adult Coloring Book?” It’s billed as “Stress Relieving Fancy Swearing Words” and it’s awesome! I highly recommend it for any time you have to be out in public!

  127. Beware the puddle
    Of indeterminate depth
    That swallows boots whole

    The first warm-ish day
    Our painted toenails glisten
    Like so many jewels

  133. Also on pain pills
    Pulled my neck stretching in bed
    Not sexy, just old

    I have chronic pain
    Now I cannot turn my head
    Meds are kicking in

    I’m only 3-6
    My body thinks we’re eighty
    Sylables are fun

  141. Stupid period,
    I sneezed and it’s like shark week
    Note to self: don’t swim

    Stray dog, tried to help
    owner came out of the house
    Called me a dog thief

  142. Pain meds kinda suck
    They help with all of that pain
    But constipation

    Glad you can always find the humour in every situation!

  145. Fuck this fucking shit
    I’m over this fucking shit
    You can kiss my ass

    Not terribly eloquent, but says exactly how I’m feeling right now, and bonus! I’m pretty sure wins for the most swear words.

  146. so my friend let me borrow her “Furiously Happy” book, and I may be the one and only person who actually found money in it LOL.. she put a $20.00 bill in it as a bookmark. What an awesome friend she is (I think.. hope.. I haven’t finished the book yet.. maybe she’s trying to tell me something?.. still .. that’s her crazy standing up for my crazy so yeah.. what an awesome friend!) keep laughing ..it helps in the war zones.. Nancy K

  148. help me, i am trapped
    in a haiku factory
    save me, before they

    No original to me. I found it earlier this year, but it cracks me up every time I read it.

  151. Pingback: Snack-kus | tiny hazards

  156. Cat Haiku

    The food in my bowl
    Is old, and more to the point
    Contains no tuna.

    So you want to play.
    Will I claw at dancing string?
    Your ankle’s closer.

    There’s no dignity
    In being sick – which is why
    I don’t tell you where.

    Seeking solitude
    I am locked in the closet.
    For once I need you.

    Tiny can, dumped in
    Plastic bowl. Presentation,
    One star; service, none.

    Am I in your way?
    You seem to have it backwards:
    This pillow’s taken.

    Your mouth is moving;
    Up and down, emitting noise.
    I’ve lost interest.

    The dog wags his tail,
    Seeking approval. See mine?
    Different message.

    My brain: walnut-sized.
    Yours: largest among primates.
    Yet, who leaves for work?

    Most problems can be
    Ignored. The more difficult
    Ones can be slept through.

    My affection is
    conditional. Don’t stand up,
    It’s your lap I love.

    Cats can’t steal the breath
    Of children. But if my tail’s
    Pulled again, I’ll learn.

    I don’t mind being
    Teased, any more than you mind
    A skin graft or two.

    So you call this thing
    Your “cat carrier.” I call
    These my “blades of death.”

    Toy mice, dancing yarn
    Meowing sounds. I’m convinced:
    You’re an idiot.

    You must scratch me there –
    Yes, above my tail. Behold!
    Elevator butt.

    Blur of motion, then —
    silence, me, a paper bag.
    What is so funny?

    Cat, fearless hunter
    leaves ‘presents’ for me near door
    next time I’ll wear shoes.

  157. I woke up at 5:30 this morning with haiku in my mind. Here is one:

    How can those how have
    never been in combat, talk
    of it so glibly?

  158. Replaying Meeting.
    Many stupid things were said.
    All of them by me.

    (I am the most awkward person ever. WHEN will I learn to just STFU? Any whyyyyy can’t I stop replaying all these moments in my head? Current me screams: SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UPPPPPPP!)

  160. Haiku idea,
    a terrific one, Jenny.
    Been laughing all day!

    Please feel better, Bloggess!
    Might be wrong but think I’ve heard
    Virgin toast heals all.

  161. Haiku idea,
    a terrific one, Jenny.
    Been laughing all day!

    Please feel better, babe!
    Might be wrong but think I’ve heard
    Virgin toast heals all.

  163. Have they tried you on painkillers other than the ones you are on? For instance anything with Codeine or Hydrocodone is known for giving folks the vomits. There are Morphine based pills as well as many other categories. There’s no point in pain relief if you are just going to be in the misery of more pain in the form of nausea! Also the docs could give you an anti-nausea med. and that would be helpful too. Pinched neck nerves yell of stress (for me anyway). Sorry for your pain. Take care.

  164. A get well wish, yay
    No pills which were much needed
    My day was made whole

    PS THE DW COLORING BOOK IS AMAZEBALLS

  165. I just bought not one copy but TWO last night of a Harry Potter adult coloring book. My husband is taking me away for an adult only weekend and I am so taking this book along!

  166. I seriously used to send a haiku every Friday for 2 years along with my timesheet. Here’s one just for you.

    Solution for when
    I want to be Beyonce
    Buy a yard chicken.

  167. Sinuses must go!
    No more disgusting mucus!
    God damn — oh, Nyquil…

    Winter was too long
    To be without furry friends.
    Springtime means kittens!

    And as I’m sitting at my desk counting syllables out on my fingers, it occurs to me that I probably look pretty silly but I’m probably not alone…

  173. Hi Jenny! Just finished “Furiously Happy” and now I am. Shared a couple of chapters with my AP Psych class—now they’re happy—one may even have qualified for your 24 Folder….you’ll never know how many hearts you have touched by sharing the gift of YOU! Thanks! Tm

  176. your words make me laugh
    Your tales bring tears of relief
    Finding company

  177. I wrote this while visiting the east side of NM a while back.
    A haiku about Eunice, NM.

    Pump jack. Really flat.
    Pump jack. So, so flat. Pump jack.
    Money smells like this.

Leave a Reply

MY BOOKS:


shop

Subscribe to the bloggess, y'all.

Enter your email address and receive notifications of new posts by email. It\'s like I\'m stalking you, but more efficient.

Archives

ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:

I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:

Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

Beautiful Writers book: Writers! This coming-of-career memoir (w/ the BEST advice from celeb authors, real shit you haven’t heard) is life. A page-turning beach read doubling as how-to. #Magic

The Dating Days of Marta O: When I told my sister I was building a blog she said: “Do people still read blogs?” I do not know, but if YOU want to read it, here it is. Keep in mind, my stories about dating after 40 are for the brave.

Where Do I Belong? A memoir of Sarah Carrington: The unbelievable story of growing up in a religious cult in the mountains of Northern British Columbia. What happens to you in life doesn’t make you strong; rising above it does.

CONNECTED: A Personal Journal for Ketamine Therapy Created by writer & patient Katherine Davis for this powerful clinical treatment. If considering ketamine for major depression, check out this essential tool.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: SO GOOD.

Discover more from The Bloggess

Subscribe now to keep reading and get access to the full archive.

Continue reading