What are you even looking for? Seriously. What the shit.

in Random Crap, weekly reruns, You people scare me and I sort of love it.

Every once in awhile I look at the top searches that bring people to this blog, and then I think, What?  Why?  What?  And then I share it with you because honestly it’s jut too fucked up not to share.

The strangest searches that lead people to my blog this week:

pierced dog ears (Stop it.)

Did unicorns ever exist? (They still do.  They’re just very strong and they’re called rhinos.)

If it weren’t for my big balls I could have won. (I’m not sure what the contest is but I think this is a very good excuse for anything.  Track.  Spelling bees.  Whatever.)

What was wrong with the doll in the land of misfit toys?  (Low self-esteem?)

Hyena in my belly button (Please, God, tell me you misspelled “hernia”.)

jenny the squirrel nude  (So confused.)

lf you laugh in a dream you hand out sperm.  (Is this a dream interpretation?  Because I think you’re doing it wrong.)

What does she mean when she said I am going to miss your blabbering (It doesn’t seem like a good sign.)

What causes belly button to protrude and get wounded  (Hyenas?)

What’s great about eating brownies?  (Pretty sure this is a trick question.)

Taxidermy pygmy goat for sale (Send me pics.)

What does it mean when u did in your ear it feel like something crawls away when i smoke (You’re totally high right now, aren’t you?)

women’s gurgling belly adult movies (Is that a new thing?)

Why is my umbilical cord chilly (I don’t even know what to say here.)

You know that i’m not going to fucking marry you regardless of what you say (I’m already married but I still feel rejected, so thanks.)

i am a number less than 3,000. when you divide me by 32, my remainder is 30. when you divide me by 58, my remainder is 44. what number am i?  (Are you coming here for math homework advice?  Because you are in the wrong place, my friend.)

Can I use a hot glue gun stick to make a anal plug? (OH MY GOD, NO.  Wait, do you mean before it’s heated?  But still, probably still no.)

Why do I have a long, clear hair on third eye?  (I think you’re concerned about the wrong thing.)

Cats eating baby brains.  (How did it even get this far?  Because babies heads are protected by skulls and cats really only eat the face meat at best.  Have you confused cats with zombies?  Also, why are you googling this.  Call a hospital.)

Recreational drug I smoked taste like burnt plastic (I think you might be smoking plastic.  Is your bong plastic?  Because that’s how you get cancer.)

The secret about watermelon (Is the secret that it’s delicious?)

What is a hat vulva?  (Well now we both want to know.)

Beaver shot (I’m not sure if this is a hunting thing or a sex thing but either way I’m not into it.)

I’m going to disney world but i dont know because i can’t read  (What?)

I have 3 nipples.  (Are you one and a half people?)

dont.you.love.when.your.in.conversation.and.you.get.hung.up.on.like.really.no call.back (What’s happening here?)

I think they replaced my generic xanax with genericer xanax (“Genericier” is my new favorite word.)

This is the second time my potato pain doctor is late sending in refill  (THANKS, OBAMA.)

Goat shoes (Sure.)

I put banana in my veginer (1.  That doesn’t sound sanitary, but it’s probably better than hot glue. 2.  Forget “genericier”.  “Veginer” is now my new favorite word.)

My meth won’t melt.  (I guess I don’t know how meth works.  Are you bragging or complaining?)

My cat seems like she is feeling good what am i doing right? (I want to high-five you and also I’m confused.)

Why are girl scouts such bullshit  (Mom?)

alligator lizard in my toilet (What is even happening here?)

ear digging bugs in cambodia  (Nooope.)

dead squirrel wall  (There’s a dead squirrel in your wall or you have a wall built out of dead squirrels?  Either way, ew.)

hamster vargina seal broken (This is just a random string of words, right?  Please?)

Twitter my little pony friendship witchcraft aeroport (Am I high?  Are you high?)

Why am I so muscular? (Wow.)

Angry because my cat don’t pick up my phone. (Pick your battles, dude.)

can i eat kfc mashed potatoes with inflamed gallbladder? (No.  Use your mouth.)

hydrogen peroxide in ear to remove roaches   (AAAAAAAAHHHH.)

You will be my valentine or get the hose again? (Well, that escalated quickly.)

*******

And now, the weekly wrap-up:

bloggess sid

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you GloHoliday Travel a helpful, easy-to-use travel tips and holidays guide site.  Don’t let life pass by without taking the opportunity to roam the world and see new faraway places.  Gloholiday.com has a busy Pinterest and Facebook page filled with wonderful travel ideas, videos and pictures to inspire you. To see some of the wonderful vacation tips and holiday ideas on the site just head over and check it all out at gloholiday.com.

148 thoughts on “What are you even looking for? Seriously. What the shit.”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Hilarious…I have been exploring mine for a while and I’ve learned if you use the word ‘fuck” it can be paired with anything and then you will have disturbing searches about mother son sex or sex with goats. People are weird.

  6. What’s with all the ear stuff? Never mind. I don’t want to know that, either. I’ve seen Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, and that’s plenty.

  7. Also, feeling mildly disturbed that I think I understand the hot glue stick anal plug thing… (I believe they want to create their own by melting hot glue sticks into the shape of one. I’m thinking there are times to be crafty and this is not one of those times…)

  8. I still laugh (and show people) you’re ‘Let’s Pretend This Never Happened’ fiasco of your book being ‘found’ when searching for ‘giant’ ?
    (was that the search term? ‘huge’ was the inference 🙂 ) dildos on Amazon…
    Awesome-ly hilarious.
    And…probably somewhat a good referral for the ‘so sad they need a giant dildo’ group.

  9. Addendum to your second answer: Also, sometimes unicorns like to swim and then they’re called Narwhals. But then again, I’m not sure those really exist either.

  10. I’m pretty sure they invented the Spork to eat KFC mashed potatoes. So put away that gallbladder.

  11. I laughed so hard I couldn’t breathe. My mother thinks I’ve lost my mind, because when she asked what was so funny I just said, “I put banana in my veginer.” So thank you. This is gonna be a good week.

  13. Hyenas! Fantastic. Now I have to go look at mine. I have a new blog and never have looked.
    Eh, mine are boring except “half a bad ass”.
    Someone is a mediocre badass? Only partway a badass?

  14. Just want to say that I HAVE HAD AN ALLIGATOR LIZARD IN MY TOILET. It certainly changes one’s confidence in the toilet as a “safe space”. You’re welcome.

  15. I love search term queries. I get a LOT of weird porn-ish terms, but my favorite non-porn search term is “how to be a professional contest winner.” It makes me feel like a baller and ridiculous all at the same time.

    Other fan faves: “Can my boyfriend suffocate me with a pillow?” and “Postuniversity slackerdom.”

  16. Literally the only search word that ever leads people to my site is “foreplay” which is probably highly disappointing considering that it’s actually just a bunch of comics about parenting and marriage instead of tips for pleasing ones partner because, like I said, I’m a married mother and actually don’t even know what foreplay is anymore.

  17. I’ve been wanting to read Eleanor & Park for a while now but something always got in the way. Not anymore! I just bought it.

  18. You know how when there’s a creepy guy hitting on everybody but you you feel kind of left out. That’s how I feel after reading this stuff. Because nobody ever looks for weird stuff and ends up with my blog. Obviously I am doing something wrong.

  19. Squirrel Girl is an obsure Marvel Character. Someone was probably looking for fan art. I am a Mom of boys who fell down the comic book character wikipedia hole. (It’s dark in here, send girl scout cookies and a flashlight. Also a ladder.)

  21. So wait, people do a search with one of those weird questions and your blog pops up as a hit?

  26. True story about the doll from the Island of Misfit Toys: there was actually nothing wrong with her. It was truly low self esteem. She is all of us.

  29. Dammit now I need to buy something from your shop so I can relive the dreams of my early 20s. Now it’s just 8 lbs of cat litter ha.

  30. I’m Amanda btw and I’m also crazy. Your book are awesome and I just gave “let’s pretend this never happened” to my preggo bff who has severe anxiety and can’t take her meds until she pops out her spawn. I’m hoping it helps.

  32. I was reading this and my husband said, “What are you laughing at?” I was laughing too hard to answer.

  33. I have to look at people’s searches all the time for work. A couple of recent favorites:
    – chocolate merkin (merkin = pubic wig)
    – biblical dream interpretation for feeding dogs raw chicken

  34. When I originally bought the ear drops 8 months ago, I recall thinking that given the brand name (a company that I associated for years with EYE drops) it would be easy to make a mistake one day, and put the ear drops in my eye. Fast forward to last week when I got up early and groggy with one dry eye… yes, you know where this is going, and let me tell you it felt like I lit my eye on fire. SO, after 10 minutes of frantically splashing water in my eye, I found myself googling “what to do if you put ear drops in your eye”. And apparently, I was not the first. Word to the wise.

  35. “I put banana in my veginer” What is more disturbing: a) someone searched this b) it lead to your blog c) I think I know what was really intended??

  36. That octopus video was disturbing. Did you know that octopus (octopi?) are as intelligent as pigs? I’m making that comparison up, but they are pretty cool creatures. Google some vids. Octopus and pigs. I should stop eating them.

  39. There is a whole lotta sex and drugs going on in there. Also, the other day I googled “Why is my teenager acting…” and the first hit was “like an asshole”. Interestingly, that was what I was what I was looking for. Yeah, he was going through a “phase”. It’s passed now, and I still love him tremendously, way more than the alligator lizard in my toilet.

  41. Damn. I need to stop working so I can just hang out on this page and investigate all of these mysteries. I’m so curious. Fascinated. Terrified.

  44. The answer to the math question is 2,654. I just can’t resist math problems . . .

  45. This proves that pretty much ANYTHING leads to your blog. ANYTHING!!! It’s a small universe and this might quite possibly be the center of it 😀

  46. Totally snorted water through my nose when I read this:
    You will be my valentine or get the hose again?

    That shit burns. Thanks, Jenny.

  48. Hilarious! Your commentary even better!! People regularly search ‘Iranian Feet’ and land on my blog. Please note: I do not have Iranian Feet. #weirdfetish perhaps

  49. I laughed so much when I read the weird questions. I feel kind of normal now. Thank you…

  51. After helping my impatient husband connect a printer to our computer, your comments made my stomach and head relax. Thank you

  53. Just when I think I hate my life so much I’ll never laugh again, I read your blog. Thank you.

  54. Always wondered about that doll, myself. Good to have a plausible answer.

  55. This post made me think, “Wow…her followers are really weird people…” Then I realized that I NEVER MISS A POST. facepalm

    Love your blog. It’s my fave.

  56. Huh. I didn’t even know you could look at the searches that led to a hit on your blog. Makes me want to write a blog, but then somebody would have to read it and the voices tell me not to attract attention to us.

  59. “Recreational drug that tastes like burnt plastic”: Dude. Dude. How the hell do you know what burnt plastic tastes like?!

  60. I don’t know which amuses me more, that people actually Googled these things, or that Google just went, “Look, I don’t know, just… here, go to The Bloggess’ website, maybe she said something about it…”

  61. We rescued a dog a couple of weeks ago and her name in the shelter was Jenny. That is also my sister’s name so I wanted to change it. I Googled superheroes named Jenny. A link to your blog came up.

  62. And here I was sitting, wondering why I consistently get hits for “Fancy pussy”. The fuck? And if you spell “vagina” as “veginer”, then I hope the ONLY thing that goes into (or comes out of, consequently) is a banana.

  63. What a gorgeous picture of you in that article! You are absolutely beautiful! 🙂 The author did a great job on both articles.

    (BTW, I’m thinking that a chilly umbilical cord might be the result of not producing enough belly button lint. I know. Ewwww! It’s been one of those days; I spent 7 hours in the library yesterday.)

  64. It’s all fun and games until your employer, or the FBI, decides to search your computer, and the headline in your local paper says, “Teacher caught googling cats eating baby brains” and “twitter my little pony friendship witchcraft aeroport,” and you get fired because no one really knows that you’re just trying to read Jenny’s blog and they think you’re trying to find weird punishments to inflict on your classroom. Don’t ask me how I know this. 🙂

  65. hahahahaha! Remember the gloriously inappropriate Valentine with the hose? Not in my hair!

  67. Omg I just laughed until I cried. And had uncontrollable coughing fits. Wow, people are interesting, aren’t they? Also, I know you voted for “veginer”, but I think “genericier” is my new favorite word.

  68. The spouse listened to a few; said he didn’t quite get it. I., of course, was laughing maniacally. Killing me with the last one. OMG.

  69. Damn my eyes(ight). Again with the typos – sigh. Thought that dot after I was a speck on my screen.

  70. I needed this laugh to help fight the building depression. Thank you. Also, does this mean I am one of the “normal” ones? Not sure how I feel about that….

  71. How are there no comments about how the recreational drug tastes like plastic because they were smoking it out of Hannah’s Betsy Wetsy doll’s head bong?

  72. Wow. If there was a contest for “craziest searches that led to a blog” I suspect you would win it. (A dubious honor, perhaps?) I’ve actually been keeping a whole page of crazy searches that led to my blog, but they don’t approach these. (http://wp.me/P52JFd-gj) The best of them are these:
    “virgin lonely insane”
    “quotes to provoke your husband when he has wronged you for him to come back to his senses”
    “i.don have.to.follow.all.the.time.because.you.”
    “passive sexscenen”
    “i’m pretty then you”
    and, of course,
    “megurine luka sex doll”

    Sex does seem to come up a lot on searches, huh?

    (Uh, I have two blogs, btw. The “sex doll” search went to my doll blog, rather than my “jabbering about this-n-that” blog. Just, you know, setting the record straight on that one…)

  74. I love the WordPress search term function although most terms seem blocked. Stupid fucking privacy. My top search term for my blog is “farmer porn.” That really doesn’t capture my essence nor does variations on “bestiality puppy.” Oh, Internets.

  75. But… you wrote the sentence about genericer Xanax. It’s your own word, Jenny. (I apparently remember titles of posts from 2013. And I had to Google to make sure before posting, so now I’m someone who Googled that and ended up on your site. Maybe it was me in the first place in some kind of time travel way. Cue Doctor Who theme)

  76. I work for TSA at a small airport. One of our primary destinations is Disney. An old coworker of mine hadn’t ever seen the “I’m going to Disney but I don’t know it yet because I can’t read” shirt. Instead of reading the ENTIRE shirt. He immediately tells the kid “Oh! You’re going to Disney! That’s so cool!” The kid was excited, the Mom, not so much!

  77. I may or may not have been the one to Google “I think they replaced my generic xanax with genericer xanax” LOL Oh, man, now “genericer” is my favorite new word! Also, I hate genericer xanax – like when they went from football shaped to round I FREAKED out thinking it was the wrong medicine!

  78. Some of those were extremely hilarious due to your reactions to them, but I notice people seem obsessed with shit in their ears. And I’m not commenting on the even more disturbed.

  82. Jenny the squirrel is a young woman who live streams while she plays video games. She is successful enough at doing this that she makes a very good (estimated $100k+/yr) living.

  83. Is it bad I just want to search all of these now to see what else pups up?

  85. I’m suffering from peri menopausal insomnia, tmi, and I accidentally woke up my husband because I snort laughed 5 times while reading this instead of sleeping. You always know what I need. ❤️

  86. I love search term posts – there are some doozies every time you do this.

    I liked Eleanor & Park, but it’s not my favourite of her books. My favourite is Attachments – have you read that one?

  88. I found three answers to the math problem: 798, 1726, 2654. Because…I’m a nerd with access to excel?

  89. Hahaha! This was the wrong thing to read while trying to fight insomnia at 1 a.m. Good thing my boyfriend is a sound sleeper, because my cat thought I was insane for laughing alone in the dark.

  90. See, my first thought when it came to “beaver shot” was that it was alcohol-related. They should make phrases like “beaver shot” into the new Ink Blot Test!

  91. This sentence made my day “cats really only eat the face meat”

  92. Now I’m wondering how to find out if folks are searchig for my blog…but then decided I don’t want know.

    Ignorance is bliss, and all of that.

  93. What a great way to start my week; I’ll have the giggles all day long!

  95. Hyena in my belly button is the best. It’s a beautiful image. Now we need a belly button hyena shirt in your shop.

    My top search remains some variation of “drug screen blue water pee.” I am the top search result there. It seems there are lots of people out there looking for a way to beat drug screens. That particular post has spent four years on my “top posts of the week” widget. My other big winner is “Tortoise Belly Button.” I’m the top result there, too. I. Am. FAMOUS!

  97. Okay, this list is seriously more than I can handle 😀 And here, I was losing my mind over who would in the world would search for “the soul wandering in the tea” and land on my blog 😀

  100. I clicked on the high school article and totally thought they called you an “awkward, winning author.” And I was like, “That’s true. She is awkward, but in a really winning way.”

  101. I work in a preschool located on a huge college campus. We have a telephone operator that takes incoming calls and directs them to the appropriate place, and we seem to get any calls that have anything at all to do with children, no matter how obviously unrelated to our preschool. I think there is some lazy internet operator out there directing all obviously insane, nonsensical, or typed-while-high searches to your page! Now resist the urge to copy those searches into your OWn browser and see where they go…entire lives get sucked that way!

  102. I have to go check my searches and see if I have any funny ones. I have no search keywords. I’m not sure what that means. I think my blog must be lost in cyberspace.

  103. Your responses are so funny that I had to get up off the floor and take my laptop to the couch so I could continue reading them in comfort. I realize that says as much about me and my priorities as it does about your post… For the record, I was on the floor because that was the only sunny spot in my house. Which might make me half-cat.

  104. Regarding Eleanor & Park, the first time I tried reading it I was in a bad place and it made me too sad, so I had to stop. My daughter then convinced me to read Landline and after that, when I went back to E&P I absolutely loved it! So if you have tried it and put it down, PLEASE give it another chance!

  105. I have an answer for the Disney World one! There’s a thing where you make your kid hold a sign that says “I’m going to Disney but I don’t know because I can’t read” or something and then you take a picture?
    The rest of them….are probably better left unanswered.

  106. if these internet searches brought up your blog it would go a long way in explaining some of the stuff I have seen in the comments section.

  107. Thank you, I literally laughed myself out of a panic attack this morning. These were all awesome.

  109. I have never been more proud of the tiny little high school I graduated from than when I realized that they had interviewed you and been mentioned in your weekly wrap-up. I was an outcast when I went there, and went on to become a huge Bloggess fan, so I’m happy to know that they are being more accepting of people who are different.

  110. Hysterical per usual ..I don’t even know how to search for how people find my blog ..but then again I’m pretty inconsistent.

  112. I got stuck on whether narwhals were swimming unicorns or not, since they are in a very literal way, but maybe not in an accepted-by-society way, and I was starting to get worried that narwhals spend their lives feeling rejected by all this, and then LaurenElizabeth (comment 9) answered it, that yes, they are swimming unicorns, so there’s no need to worry about them feeling rejected. Which I think is pretty much proof that I should read the comments.

  114. My friend found an alligator lizard in her dishwasher the other day. Better or worse than a toilet?

  115. I’ve heard of the dreaded hyenal hernia (sometimes hi-anal, it’s a dialect thing), but the belly button is a new location.

  116. Heywow girl!
    lovely snap of you with the high school-booky-thang happening; you look gorgeous! Seriously!
    I don’t want a damned thing from you. But if I did…you are 10 kinds of beautiful 😉

  118. I don’t know if thie BOOKSGIVING is still going on but I’ve avoided making a wish list and I’ve finally gained the courage. I’ve been reading Jenny for years and I bought her first book the day it was released. My life is currently a chronic number of anxiety disorders, panic disorder, and both bulemia and anorexia. I went to treatment but currently don’t have the means to continue it so I’m not able to work and don’t leave the house anymore. This would REALLY make my day…I can’t remember the last time I had money to buy things with. Jenny I’ve been reading your blog since you were drawing on bananas at the grocery store (which you still may be doing), and I’m at my lowest point right now and still visit your blog to get me through. I even brought your book to treament with me as a security item.

    P.S – knock knock motherfucker

    https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1250077001/ref=aw_wl_ov_dp_1_1?colid=E8RO7WZ7ZTN&coliid=I2L0Q4793FU3SX

  120. The octopus isn’t dead, there are idiots in the world who like to torture animals by eating them while they are still alive. They do this to snakes as well.

  121. Haha! I made your blog!!! 😎 Not by name but that math question was me looking for the answer for my fifth grader bc I suck at math….I didn’t find the answer. My husband had to explain it to him. But I don’t know why that would pop up on your blog as it did not come up as a suggestion. Although, I probably did come to read your blog after giving up on trying to teach myself math.

  122. I’m sure you will never read this as you have so many comments to read through daily. But shall you ever happen to find this. I just want you to know; you saved my life. Your book, and in turn you because you wrote it, saved my life. Thank you. I have never felt so indebted to someone who I have never meet. Nor did I ever know I wasn’t alone. Thank you for Furiously Happy. And thank you, for being you.

  123. these are fantastic! “boxing grandmas” was the best I got so far. I have so much work to do to elevate my game.

  124. I practically peed my pants laughing and had to put a hand over my mouth to keep the giggles from getting out. (Not sure if it was mine or not.) Anyhoo, thanks for being you, Jenny.

  126. Jenny ! Seriously awesome post. Laughed until my sides hurt and then more after reading everyone’s comments.

  128. Obviously veginer = vegetarian vagina. Of course it would only want a banana

  129. Pingback: Some of my favourite lady bloggers for #IWD2016 – scar

  132. The one of the only parts of my freshman sex ed class that I remember is the introduction speech by my mid-seventies male teacher, which concluded with, “In this class we don’t use none of those slang words. A penis is a penis and a veginer is a veginer.”

    Stay classy, South Carolina.

  137. Hahahaha, I love you so much.

    I’ve gotta say that I think I’d rather have a bellybutton hyena or a veginer banana or potato pain than an alligator lizard in my toilet.
    Probably not ear bugs, though.

  138. “i am a number less than 3,000. when you divide me by 32, my remainder is 30. when you divide me by 58, my remainder is 44. what number am i?”

    Well now every kid with that math problem is going to find this site when they Google it.

  139. I thought of you with my current book:”Ophelia and the Magnificent Boy”. I am not quite through with it…. I will be SO angry if it doesn’t end well! Good book for Hayley too!

  142. Ok as for the unicorns. North Korea found the secrete unicorn place the the king hide. It all happened in 2012. So yes they were real. Lol sorda.

  143. Jenny, thank you so much for your blog. Today’s post made tears come out of my eyes. You are so silly.

  144. Have you read Stargirl by Jerry Spinelli? Because if not, you totally should.

  145. I know what a vulva hat is! I learned this from a U.S. Marine: it’s the military side cap, the foldable hat you see service members in uniform wear, which if view from the top supposedly resembles, uh,… yeah. Also know as (and introduced to me as) a c*nt cap or piss-cutter. Because CLASSY!

  146. Eleanor & Park – best line = “Yesterday happens”. Chapt 27, but you have to read all of it until then to get the full effect.

  148. Since you went with “Veginer” as your new favorite word, I’m picking “genericier” as my new favorite word and I’ll put it on my wall of favorite words. Probably right beside “Murmuration”.

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