Jenny needs to stop googling herself. Google needs to stop making assumptions.

in Random Crap

Did you know that if you google your name followed by “needs” it will auto-populate some crazy-ass shit that google thinks you need?

Let’s try it:

jenny needs2

So…um…what?

Huh.  So maybe let’s add another word?

jenny needs

Or not.  Whatever.

PS.  Am I the only one who got weird shit when they did this?

PPS. Can I borrow $16,000?

PPPS.  Hang on.  You know what?  Let’s try this again to see what Google thinks I actually have:

Screen Shot 2016-03-09 at 3.43.13 PM

Jesus, Google.  Never mind.

300 thoughts on “Jenny needs to stop googling herself. Google needs to stop making assumptions.”

Read comments below or add one.

  3. I have never tried doing that. Perhaps I will sometime when I need a laugh. Or when the school board stops being idiots and I quit asking WTF??? of them and still feel the need to ask WTF?? 🙂

  4. Apparently I don’t need anything as my name doesn’t auto-populate in Google. Only the imitation Justin populates and he seems to need to stop dropping banger after banger. False Justin’s needs surpass my own.

  6. Just tried this. I hope google isn’t like a magic 8 ball. Otherwise I’m going to be surprised with a baby, giraffe, spina bifida, and cancer. But I’ll be able to put it on the snapchat it knows I have.

  8. Heather has….two mommies. Not true, but maybe I would have been more emotionally stable if I had? Who knows.

  9. “Jenny needs a shooter” Now I have to go listen to some Warren Zevon..granted, the actual lyrics are “Jeannie needs a shooter” but hey, close enough.

  10. “Tracy needs to find the length and width.”

    Reading the actual results is far more boring than the prompt suggests.

  12. PS type in Lucretia needs or any other and Google draws a blank. I am a mystery.

  14. Wow! How exciting for you. Ruth has come down with measles.
    You should try “is”. Ruth is the Truth and Jenny is awesome!

  15. The only thing that comes up for me is “a kidney”, and with has “a heart attack”. It is not looking good for me.

  16. According to both my full name and my nickname, I need a kidney. However, I have stormy eyes and “the following portfolio of assets” so that’s nice. And if I put “wants” the only auto-correct is Drake. Which shows how this method is 100% accurate.

  17. Apparently ‘April needs’ to estimate the sum of 427 and I also need mental help. Touché Google.
    Having a month as a name, all results for ‘April has’ list numbers of days. Though the different results for just how many days the month of April has is a rather alarming indicator of, lets just say, questionable intelligence.

  19. Apparently I need some action, not sure which kind. I’m hoping for a Quintin Tarantino movie and a pint of Ben and Jerry’s

  20. I tried this and apparently I need nothing nor do I have anything. I tried “Colleen needs” and “Colleen needs a” and “Colleen has”. Apparently everyone with my name is boring – clearly I’m rebelling against my name or possibly I was named incorrectly.

  27. And apparently Jennifer has two daddies
    also Jennifer needs to quit being paranoid, a home, a job, and ice for live crawfish.
    Who knew?

  28. Needs…medical attention
    Has…broken
    Wants…to sleep

    Is…oh. Heh. That one brought up one of my steamier blog entries. 😉

  29. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. The benefit of having such a weird name is that Google does not think about me all that much. Score.

  30. jean has a long moustache and jean wants bill to do the Macarena. Thanks for the giggle.

  31. Robin needs a kidney. I didn’t know that. Maybe I need to go to the doctor.

  33. Ocular needs
    Ocular needs assessment
    Ocular needs and wants
    Ocular needs more cowbell

    “Ocular has” got weird
    eye has not seen ear has not heard
    eye has been twitching for days
    eye has not seen lyrics

    I decided to do:
    Ocular wants
    Ocular wants and needs
    Ocular wants and warrants
    Ocular wants to be a millionaire

    OK, so that last one’s true.

  35. Hmm. Just hmm. I don’t use Google unless I can possibly help it. I just checked, and it still doesn’t know what I need or have. It could be my name. I tell my mom pretty regularly that she spelled my name wrong. She doesn’t find it amusing.

    I don’t find it amusing that Google knows she has perfect pitch. And I’m pretty sure she doesn’t have “a happiness.” WTF Google?

  36. According to Google:
    Mary needs: salvation or a dog wheelchair.
    Mary needs a: savior or alternatively a savings plan (very true)
    Mary has: a savior but does she need one? A dog that needs a wheelchair.

  37. Diane needs 165 pieces of candy
    Diane has just 18
    Diane is stealing seats

    Huh.

  38. C’mon Google! It’s ‘Jenny’s GOT a gun.’
    Lisa needs: ‘braces’ ??

    For the upright, maybe.

    But, ‘Lisa wants’ got a pony!!

    Go Google! (Don’t tell Hubby 🙂 )

  39. Makes me feel a little sorry for Teresa and Joe. ;-

    “teresa needs help”
    “teresa needs to divorce joe”
    “teresa has a balance of 3750”
    “has teresa and joe going to court”
    “how long has teresa and joe been married”

  40. Apparently I don’t need, have, or want anything, but I do share my name with a special needs kitten.

  42. Apparently, and according to Google, Google needs to die. Maybe Google needs some SSRIs.

  43. Cathy has 12 black socks
    Cathy has a collection of dimes and quarters
    Cathy needs IBM (Apparently there is a Cathy Needs who works for IBM)

  45. I googled “Heather was” and got “Heather was in the midst of an excellent speech.” I’ll take it. “Heather needs” said “a van.” And I do not. I am done with those stupid things. No more vans.

  47. Oh, dear. It looks like Google is a depressed vampire (so last year). Google wants your blood.

    It has everything and has stopped.

    Is sad that I find it interesting that putting a space after the verb shows different results?

  48. Julie needs…a kidney
    Julie has…a fear of riding in elevators
    I don’t need a kidney as far as I know, but my fear is “glass elevators”! Hate those things 🙂

  50. Apparently, I need to read 14 pages plus I need to get a van. Hopefully, the 14 pages are the manual for the van. Apprently, I also need to go to Port Washington. I hope the van holds up for that trip because I live in Ontario, Canada. Plus I will need to get a passport. Funny it didn’t tell me that. Sigh.

  51. Crap. Is it sad? I am sad I can’t see typos. How do you feel about that, Google?

  53. When I google my name with “needs” (both with and with out the “a”), it only shows needs for a “Tracy” and confirms further it doesn’t mean me by adding last names that definitely aren’t mine. When I google with “has”, nothing pops up. At all. So, apparently neither I need nor want for nothing.

    That or Google is like that cute asshole in high school that acted like I didn’t exsist.

    Or maybe, I don’t exist.
    Well, THAT’S depressing.

    Thanks a lot Google. 😟

  54. Mine aren’t as weird as I hoped for, but apparently my relationship needs a spark. Which isn’t true, unless you ask my husband.

  55. Although people have asked “Google are you gay” not enough of us have asked “Google are you sad”.

  58. Heather wants a millionaire
    Heather wants to make a 36 acid solution
    Heather wants a pair of shoes

    Heather really really must want those shoes

  59. Apparently I don’t have anything, am nothing and don’t need anything. Um, apparently Google isn’t infallible. Keep trying Google.

    So… Here’s my question: did it just randomly occur to try this? Or do you have a book a random, awesome ideas like this that you’ve created?

  61. Cindy needs Morrison Profiles; a vehicle; healing and guidance
    Cindy is a gangster
    Cindy has been adopted; has come full circle

  63. When I google “Suzanne needs,” this comes up: susan needs to measure and heat the chemical. So I suppose google can’t get my name right, but I am a chemist, so I forgive the mistake.

  64. Sharing a first name with Lindsay Lohan has its drawbacks. I need rehab, Jesus & a vacation. At least two of those are true for me too but I’m not saying which two. 😂

  65. Apparently I lack for nothing as I have no needs but I ‘is’ like jo, cho, and chok (who or whatever they are), I’m new at the zoo, and I’m making chocolate pudding. Well. I hope the polar bears appreciate how hard it is to make pudding in the animal enclosure!

  66. Dwayne needs more touches.
    Dwayne is gay.

    When Google autocomplete is more accurate than horoscopes…

  67. Sadly, I apparently need nothing… I do however have some disturbing things. :-/

    stacie has a new bed toy
stacie who has a mass of 45 kg
stacy mom has got it going on

  68. Leah needs (didn’t work)
    Leah needs a (ditto)
    a little sad at this point, thanks for the crap game suggestion
    Leah has
    oh, this is better!
    Leah has
    a boyfriend (my wife of 20 years was interested to hear this)
    13 coins
    a drug problem (likely why I only have 13 coins)
    a baby fanfiction (what people with drug problems write when they need money)

  70. Apparently I have 459 friends and some lawn chairs. WOOHOO!
    Tried “Karen is…” and got my daily affirmation. Yay, Google thinks I’m awesome! And a knowledgeable intelligent person! And I’m standing near the flagpole! Wait… what?

    Get it right, Google. I’m SITTING near the flagpole. In a lawn chair. With my 459 friends.

    Damn, I’m awesome!

  72. Neither of my names (Scar/Scarlett) came up with anything under “needs” or “needs a”… maybe I just have no needs 😉

    However, googling “Scar has…” came up with exciting things like “gone red”; “white bumps”; “gone purple”; “white spots”.

    I have an odd name.

  73. June has 30 days. (I’ve never enjoyed being named after a month)
    June has a set of folding chairs. (Well, that’s more like it)

  79. (With my real-life name) I apparently want ice cream, need SoundCloud, and have three pieces of ribbon.

  80. “sue needs to invest $3 626”. Hmm, with whom? A Nigerian Prince?
    “sue needs glasses”. Wrong. I had Lasik. Wait. Do reading glasses count? Good job, Google.

  81. ruth has a
    ruth has a stretch
    aunt ruth has a beard
    Well, I worked out this morning, so perhaps Google knew “ruth has a stretch-ed.”
    I’m a great, great aunt, and I do have chin whiskers to pluck, but I didn’t think they constituted a beard … yet, anyway. Will tweeze immediately.

  82. Melissa needs to chill. (Word.)
    Melissa has a bag of marbles. (Unfortunately, I lost them.)
    Melissa wants to go to Mars. (Only if a botanist goes with me.)
    Melissa is a theory. (Are any of us real?)

    Google DOES know me.

  83. Apparently I need coffee. Although I don’t drink coffee and never have. And Google thinks I have “baby the office” and I’m not even sure what that means. So yeah, Google just doesn’t get me!

  86. Apparently I need “somebody”, but Google won’t tell me who. Not even a hint. WHY THE SECRECY, GOOGLE?

    Oh, and supposedly I want Ben to stop talking. I don’t know anyone named Ben, but it seems there’s one out there who’s enough of a chatterbox that even out of earshot l want him to shut the hell up.

    I hope Ben’s not the somebody I need.

  87. “Melissa has a bag of marbles.” A whole jar actually
    “Melissa has been referring to the Japanese.”
    “Melissa wants to go to Mars.” Actually space and the whole lack of breathable air thing kinda freaks me out.
    “Melissa wants to get married.” I’m on my second one. I think that’s enough.
    “Melissa McCarthy needs a straitjacket.” I disagree.

  88. Mandy needs new clothes. Mandy has 92 quarters.

    This is actually a pretty accurate assessment of a conflict in my life right now.

  89. Lauren needs a kidney, and a van.
    And Lauren “has undergone a split-brain operation. why”. WHOA. Things are starting to make a lot more sense.

  90. Cathy is as cute as a kitten. I can live with that.
    Cathy wants to measure the height of the flagpole. Ummm . . . why?
    Cathy has 12 (or twelve) black socks. Nope.

  93. Anna needs….a new coat
    Anna needs a…new coat
    Anna has…a baby
    None of these statements are true.
    Apparently there’s a book about a girl named Anna needing a coat.

  94. Beth has…. vd, 3000 feet of fencing, and hamsters at her house.

    Good fences make good vd… or perhaps I got it from the hamsters.

  97. Dean needs cuddles (yes!) and apparently someone named Castiel (who?)
    And Dean wants pie and a slinky (Yes to both!)

  98. Jen needs a browser. (I’m using one, duh)
    Jen has a pen
    Jen has guns blazing for sheen (what?)
    Jen has the internet (doesn’t everyone?)
    Jen has a baby (um, no)

  99. Mine also does not autopopulate, but if I hit “enter”
    Kym needs new boobs 😉 (Um, the old ones are just fine google! But in a few years…)
    Kym Needs A Ladder to Get on a Horse (Well, who doesn’t. Kind of like valet horse riding?)

  100. “Jim needs to find out the sine of π/8” Is this synchronicity as it’s 3/14 today? “Jim Needs a Kidney Soon” That can’t be good. “Jim has a mass of 15 kilograms and is running on the ground with a velocity of 2.7 meters/second.” Are they calling me fat and slow or thin and fast? Math is hard, and apparently I need to know a lot of it.

  103. Nina needs…
    to go youtube.

    I don’t even understand how to “go youtube”. Google has no grammar.

  105. Oh good Lord. My name + needs… equals two things: “a special needs home” and “spanked”. Google has issues.

  106. Apparently, Jo doesn’t need anything.
    Luckily,
    …Jo has not yet died
    And
    …Jo has a job interview
    Which I apparently forgot because
    …Jo has Alzheimer’s
    And I was putting my memory lapses down to the medication. Dr Google saves the day!

  107. Oh man, my name’s Chenay and there’s no crazy for me:( Oh well, I guess I just need to start making shit up for myself!

  109. Caroline needs… to find information about income
    Caroline needs a… golden calculator to divide (leads to “Roses” by Outkast)
    Caroline has… 16 marbles

  110. Sara likes coffee (yes!)
    Sara has an unrealistic fear of shopping (Double yes! Holy crap!)
    Sara needs to replace part of the metal (…whaa…oh, google, you were doing so well)

  111. Apparently I need 165 pieces of candy (which is totally true, especially if it’s chocolate!)

  114. My name doesn’t generate anything under Penni, Penni needs or Penni needs a. When we get to Penni has, it just generates Penny phrases.

  119. Doug needs money (apparently some Nickelodeon reference) and Doug needs to shut his mouth. But wait, I’m hungry…
    Doug has a skateboard accident.
    Doug wants to get better at volleyball, a kitty, to buy apples and oranges, and kitten.
    Great, now the cat is sitting there wondering if she’s about to be replaced.

  120. One of the things that came up for me said “Don’t tell me I can’t get a neck tattoo!” But my last name is Meck, so maybe spell check struck again.

  122. “Laura has…just complimented Mitzi”

    I don’t know any Mitzis but if I did I’m sure I would compliment her on the reg.

  123. Laura needs…to lose weight
    Laura needs…our help

    How did they know? I don’t need to lose that much though, they could have focused on something else. I’ll take the $16,000!

  125. Jessie needs the potty.
    Jessica needs to bake 50 muffins. Jessica needs inspiration again. (not if I’m baking all those damn muffins)
    Neither Jessie nor Jessica need A anything. Nor do they have anything, which I’m ok with if the options include herpes (but I was really hoping it’d say ‘a yacht’).

  126. Apparently, every Stacy in the world needs a ladder but nothing else. Staceys, however, don’t need anything. Not one single thing. Either we all really rock, or the universe doesn’t care about us. I choose the former.

  129. Natalie needs a nighty.
    Natalie needs a boyfriend.
    Natalie needs a new leg.

    This is why I’m a lesbian!! It’s google’s fault!!

  132. Kathleen needs….240 valid signatures

    ha! the laugh’s on google, I need signatures–valid or not….!

  133. Elise needs a buff
    Elise needs a new skin
    Elise needs a nerf

    Umm, I feel like someone really creepy is trying to get me to do things.

  134. When I typed my name and “needs a,” literally nothing at all was displayed. There were no options or results. So maybe this means all of my needs in life have been met? That would be a beautiful thing. I wish we could all say the same.

  136. My name has no suggestions so i decided to search my husband he needs to go and has a mangina…….. hmmmm

  137. Literally nothing came up for any of those. Apparently all my needs are met yet I have nothing? When I looked up my alter-ego, “Charlie needs a cloak.” That works.

  139. Melissa has a bag of marbles
    Melissa has been referring to the Japanese
    Melissa needs to chill
    Seems right

  141. Sarah needs to replace part of the metal.
    – Part of the metal WHAT? I don’t get it. Also, I am not handy, so it’s best if I don’t try to replace anything.
    Sarah needs a job.
    – No, Google. I’ve spent the whole morning on conference calls for my job. I do not need another damn job.
    Sarah has optimal health.
    – Huh. I didn’t know depression, anxiety, and a jacked up ankle was optimal. But ok. Thanks.

  142. Mine said, “Suzanne needs to measure and heat the chemical”, and “Suzanne is waiting at your doorway.” They both sound very criminally and stalkerish. Those are nasty rumours, Google–stop harassing me.

  145. Huh. I ‘need’ a browser, and I ‘have’ a pen. Sounds more appropriate for your needs!

  146. Krista needs… (nothing)
    Krista is… a softball player in Texas
    Krista has … it

  151. Is anyone else disturbed about how many people in the comments need kidneys? Seriously. Is Google the preferred method of finding kidneys?!? As for me, my name is an acronym for the test used to detect HIV, so most of my Google results are very depressing.

  152. “Beebe needs” and “Beebe has” doesn’t work for me. The only thing that comes up when I start typing my name is “Beebe memorial” and “Beebe diversified”. So I’m either dead, or need to change my stock portfolio. FUN!

  153. Apparently I need a hero (i’m holding on for a hero) ahem.
    I also need someone to save me.

    I also have a minute to win it (whatever it is) and a pimple.

    nice.

  156. Here we go:

    Tina needs to go (where?)
    Tina needs to find employment (DAMN right I do, this part time isn’t cutting it and I’ve been trying to get full time for 14 months!)

    Tina has 3/5 pounds of rice (I assure you it’s more. I buy so much crap and forget about it in my pantry)
    Tina has autism (No, just anxiety)
    Tina has to pay 4 percent (of what? I’m not giving anyone anymore money!)
    Tina has to create a password for the security (Seriously?! Another fucking password?)

  157. Linda …is gonna destroy ISIS …is a qualifying widow …has got this …has been assigned job … has a toothache …needs to read 14 pages …needs a rainbow …wants to be alone …wants a cupcake.

  159. Google says that I need 300 Christmas lights, and a new car for college, and I have purchased an E-40 ticket and the night off. So, apparently, Goggle thinks I’m a cool 18 year old, with a job with flexible hours. 🙂

    Also, I love you, Kazza! ♡

  160. I’m a little frightened: “kerry has declared war on god” was the top hit. This doesn’t bode well.

  161. When I typed in “Dre needs” it came up: “Dre momma need a haircut”. Which I do, so that’s pretty cool. Then I put in “Dre has” and it came up: “Dre has aids” (apparently Google thinks everyone has aids these days? And “Has Dre killed anyone” and the answer is NO, not that you know of. Google, be quiet.

  163. The closest “need” was “Marty the lumberjack needs some items,” but I have all sorts of shit!
    “Marty has a party drink dispenser”
    “Marty has a party”
    “Marty has a piggy bank”
    Woot! Woot! Let’s party!
    Uh oh…
    “Marty has low self esteem”
    Dammit!

  165. Jean needs to have a tooth filled.. and I just found out today that I do need a tooth filled… CREEPY

  166. Mine says the same thing twice: Beth needs lovin and Beth needs loving. Somehow I don’t think the two entries are talking about the same thing.

  167. Sam has..
    70 erasers and rulers

    Well now that might be true but Steve the grubby shatter-proof ruler is clearly not allowed to mix with Mistress mcStainless-steel (The 3rd)

  169. “Megan needs a millionaire.”
    Also: “Megan has a one hour gap.”

  170. Brian needs a haircut. True.
    Brian needs a heart. Also true. Someone stole the one I keep in a jar.

  172. I’m not enthusiastic about the results for my real name. For that matter, I’m also not enthusiastic about my real name.

    For “Olivia,” though, I need to go home and to close my mouth; I need a middle name; I’m making scarves; and I have two moms, an abortion, and bad breath.

  173. Katrina needs 3/5 kilograms of flour. Maybe…
    Katrina has a collection of marbles. Damn you, Google! No one was supposed to know!

  174. Because I have a weird old lady name, I get “Patsy needs changing.” That’s the only thing that is there. No, google, I don’t need changing in any way.

  175. Andrea has a needle phobia
    Andrea has 37 coins
    Andrea needs to die

    Andrea doesn’t like Google anymore.

  177. Annie has the flu
    Annie has a gun
    Annie has a compost pile
    Annie has cancer
    Annie has fun with water bratayley

    What the hell is water bratayley?

  178. The benefit to having an unusual name is that when I Google “Loen needs” I get nothing. Hooray?

  179. Karen needs facebook. (No I really, really, really do not!) Karen has 459 friends. (No I really, really, really do not!). Laughing so hard.

  181. Faith needs …
    faith needs action
    faith needs no proof
    faith needs works
    faith needs reason

    Faith has
    faith has made you whole
    faith has its reasons
    faith has a voice
    faith has healed you

    Faith has a
    faith has a voice
    faith has a short shelf life
    faith has a voice book
    faith has a voice pdf

    um, well

  186. I apparently need 300 Christmas lights which is pretty much always going to be true. “Dana has” produce” “the night off” so I am batting a 1000 right now with Google!

  187. Rebecca needs rest And I do…
    Rebecca needs makeup (Thanks, Google, how did you know I didn’t wear any today!?!)
    …and evidently I need a kidney too!

    Rebecca has 45 coins (yes, yes, that’s probably what’s left in my bank account until payday!)

  188. I’m feeling vaguely insulted by “Jill needs to cut a smaller piece.” I’ve certainly heard I need Jack before, too. On the other hand, I’m much happier to hear that I have 2 ponies and $10,000 to invest. And I created a table. Apparently I’m super productive in my free time.

    But the absolute winner, which I will claim immediately is “Jill has a biting sarcastic manner.” See, letting Google track your every move has some advantages. They know me.

  190. Kelly needs shoes (actually true)
    Kelly needs to buy lunch for… (I don’t know. someone hungry?)

  191. Evidently, I need braces (stop judging me Google!) and I have 64 coins. Not enough for braces I think…

  192. It says I have purchased five bananas.

    No way did anyone ever Google that. I think the people who program those Google doodles get bored sometimes and make up weird searches. Also, I love those people.

  193. I need a wake up call
    I need to go
    And I apparently need some girl on girl action. I really had no idea about this last one.

    And what I have…
    I have talent
    I have left early
    I have accepted responsibility for the murder. Again, I had no idea about this last one.

  194. Louise needs…help to earn her wings (is my halo askew??)
    …a bloody vocal (apparently I am not ready for the heavenly choir quite yet)
    …a good home.
    Oh cool, I am a tortoise shell cat living in San Francisco.

  195. I need a personal trainer and need to pee.
    I want to buy a snowmobile and to make out with Robin
    I have terrible aim and have retained an attorney. I wonder if these two are related in any way.

  196. jackie needs an ultrasound
    jackie needs a friend
    jackie needs to he held accountable
    jackie needs to poop

    This really made me laugh and after working 11 hours today in RETAIL, I could use that laugh. Thank you Jenny once again.😁

  197. I type in ‘Brooke needs’ and it autofilled with ‘the dirty brooke needs to stop.’

    FINE, google. Stop being so judge-y!

  198. Lori has a pig on her head! Lori needs to die – fuck you google, what did I do to you???

  199. Kelly needs to order lunch for…
    For whom, Google? Don’t leave me hanging!

    Kelly needs a kidney

    Kelly has lost the team. Oh shit! I didn’t know I had a team? Why doesn’t anyone tell me these things?

    Um, maybe I needed to order lunch for the team?

  200. Erika apparently needs soundcloud and has a baby. Hmm… not that I’m aware of on either account!. Sorry google… strike out!

  201. Candice needs a plumber and must decide between two…the one with the least ass crack please…

  202. OK, I tried my name with “makes”, a bad, bad mistake. “Nude Candice makes ice cream melt for French magazine”. Nice to be that hot at 59…Not. Ever.

  205. Ale needs, real ale needs id, he needs ale and he needs ale wow…my full name didn’t get any results, and I’m guessing I’m being confused with the drink 😝

  206. “Madison needs” doesn’t populate anything. So I need nothing.

    But the other side was more encouraging. “Madison has heart.”

    Thank you google, I do.

  207. Lisa “needs braces” is apparently very popular. Settle down Google! I was born this way!

    Lisa “has 750 friends on facebook.” Also Lisa apparently has “a certain amount of money.” Neither of these could be further from the truth. 🙂

  208. Maria needs 2.20 to buy a magazine. Obviously I’m aiming a lot lower than you. Maria has type B blood. Which, incidentally is not true. I’m an A-type person in all categories. I just need to get my shit together before it gets out.

  210. Rachel needs some action.
    Rachel has a baby.

    I don’t know if google is brilliant or idiotic in this situation…

  211. You should try being me, a 45 year old male…

    Adrian has…issues
    Adrian has…a miscarriage on secret life
    Adrian has…a mangina
    Adrian has…a miscarriage

    Sure i have issues, but the rest???

  212. Based on the number of comments above it looks like there are at least 212 reasons I shouldn’t Google my name. Then again somebody probably already has given how common my name is. When I was in high school yelling “Hey Chris!” in the hallway was like going to a Cure concert and yelling, “Hey, you in the black!”

  213. Sue needs to invest $3626
    Sue wants to use mental math
    Sue has 100 dimes & quarters –
    and my fav for the day
    Sue has the president called? roflmao

  214. Mary needs: A savior bible verse. To row her boat. A savings plan. I actually need NONE of these. Stupid google.

  215. Terri wants.. According to Google – Terri wants to have Simon Cowell’s baby. OMG- WTF AND LMFAO. Because dear friend when I type in Terri needs… Goggle says ” Terri needs your prayers.” spot on, if what I want is to have that nit’s devil spawn!!
    Pretty effing accurate when googled together!!

  217. Lisa has a certain amount of money. huh?
    Lisa needs braces.
    Well, there goes that money….

  219. According to Google my life is perfect: I don’t need anything.
    On the other hand, I don’t have anything either. Apparently i have reached nirvana.

    And on the other hand, someone with a name very similar to mine has 24 bottles of champagne.

  220. bob needs to mix 2 cups
    bob needs to drive 592 miles
    bob needs to ship six
    bob needs human hearts
    bob needs a kidney

    Dear Google:

    Do you know something I should know?

    Love Bob

  221. Blame my parents for the unusual spelling of my first name (which I am not going to divulge). i got only one reply to “B—– has ”

    “B—– has been diagnosed with dissociative personality”

    So I clicked the link, and apparently B—– is the host personality…Ummm… I know I’m crazy, but not like that!

    And then “B—– needs ” returns only “B—– Lucy needs a friend” from the same site! and Lucy is one of the secondary personalities.

    The internet is trying to tell me something? I rather hope not.

  222. Pingback: What do I need Google? | okayzoeyk

  223. Susan Needs Disability benefits- this is actually kind of true…
    Susan needs financial assistance
    Susan needs a job for Christmas! Yeah, that didn’t work out so well
    Susan needs our help
    Susan needs to wear a bra- not if Susan doesn’t leave the house she doesn’t
    Susan needs a beauty and the beast birthday cake- mmm cake
    Susan needs a liver transplant- uh-oh
    Susan needs a new chicken- fair enough
    Susan needs love and tea
    Susan needs more than math facts
    Susan needs urgent corrective surgery to use her legs- this is… unfortunate

    Susan has an ear infection.
    Susan has a cold
    Susan has 600 feet of fencing to make a yard for her new puppy
    Susan has a 5-foot long bookshelf that she wants to fill with 22 books of differing sizes

    I…keep getting math problems

  224. Awww. This doesn’t work for me at all 🙁 My name is just too uncommon.

  227. Andrea needs…
    to die (Thanks Walking Dead)
    to find a kennel for boarding – not a dog person
    a taxi
    Andrea needs to…
    same as needs
    Andrea has…
    a needle phobia – I just don’t watch when they draw blood
    37 coins – if they were gold maybe

  229. Laura needs to … lose weight 🙁

    Laura has… just entered hospice.

    That’s enough for today.

  231. Apparently Becky needs … another $1200 and to get laid. But, Becky has … a toy vacuum, an intense fear of dogs and diabetes. Ugh!

  233. Monique needs… to shut up. – Google is crabby today.
    Monique is… blacklisted. – All I said is that you’re crabby, Google. Sheesh.
    Monique wants… a wife. – I don’t swing that way, Google. Stop spreading rumors.
    Monique has… open marriage. – Google is out to get me.

  236. Rory needs nampa idaho.
    Rory needs a fosters.
    Rory has cancer.

    Okay, Google. Go home. You’re drunk.

  238. Karen needs… “Facebook” and has…”459 friends, some lawn chairs, a friendship with Angela, a mass of 57kg, has agreed to buy Sara’s car” and wants…”her $20 back”. Step back HBO–this story practically writes itself!

  240. I’d lend you 16K but you and I both know you would spend it on some dead stuff animal. I probably just saved your marriage. You’re welcome.

  241. Ahahahaha. I couldn’t get past the first “Gillian needs” entry, because there is a person whose name is – wait for it – Gillian Needs.”Gillian has” just throws up pages and pages of entries about Gillian Anderson. So I guess that means Gillian Needs has nothing.

  243. caroline has 16 marbles.
    caroline has 10 marbles.
    caroline needs a golden calculator to divide.
    i didn’t make this up.

  244. Apparently, Laurie needs a new liver. That’s it. … Just how the hell do they know how much alcohol I drink?!?

  245. Google thinks I don’t need anything, but that I have a mass of 45 kg (which proves Google is wrong because I NEED that scale), lupus (boo), and 13 stickers (better, and oddly specific).

  246. Apparently I need a kidney. So that’s concerning. But I also have two dads, so hopefully one of them is a donor match…

  248. OMG mine in AWESOME
    Jenna Needs … a Hero
    Jenna Needs … to be rescued
    Awkward Jenna needs a hero

    Jenna wants … to be a man again …. WHHHAAAAATTTT?????
    and that was the ONLY one under wants

    Jenna has ..a crush
    Jenna has … a minute to win it
    Jenna has …a pimple

  249. Lori needs to die.
    Lori needs help.

    Holy crap. My anxiety level just went up tenfold. Now I’ll be looking over my shoulder all week. Or month. Or forever. My neck already hurts!

  251. Maggie needs…an alibi
    Maggie has…scars from a house fire
    Maggie has… aunt hair
    Maggie has… anorexia nervosa
    Maggie has… a job in an office
    Maggie has… lead
    Maggie has a… kite
    Maggie has a… dream
    Maggie has a… nightmare
    Maggie has a… box of chocolates

    Wow Google, you have a vivid imagination!

  252. Debra has…
    romantic feelings for Dexter
    a mustache
    feelings for Dexter
    pms

    “Dexter” is why I can’t play these games 🙁 Even the “google your name + meme” turns up weird-ass “Debra loves her brother Dexter” and “Debra says fuck all the time” nonsense. Damn it, “Dexter”.

  253. Cory needs…. nothing..
    Wrong google! Cory just landed from a 4hr airplane ride full of turbulence and Cory needs Valium and whiskey!

  254. It doesn’t like that I’m “Jeni” and retypes my name as Jenny. The 3rd one was “Jenny has a circular cylinder with a lid” – how very specific.

  255. I’m late to the party. Nevertheless…
    Jen needs a browser.
    Jen IS bringing the drugs (WHAT?)
    Jen is the killer.
    wtf google.
    ooo hang on – my screen name
    Raven is from the continent of Africa.
    all righty … and we’re done.

  256. in no variation of my name does Google think I need anything; although, you’d think that would mean that in EVERY variation of my name, Google would assume that I have EVERYTHING. Alas, that is not the case. “ML has it” is the only thing Google told me.

    emelle could certainly use an additional $16,000… just sayin’…

  257. Laura needs…
    to lose weight. Fuck you, google!
    our help. Not if it’s to lose weight!

    Laura has…
    just complimented mitzi. Um…okay???
    just entered hospice. Oh, crap, now I’m dying?!

    Laura is a…
    poo. Well, that’s rude.
    man ex on the beach. I…I’m not sure I want to know. (And, of course, I click on it. Apparently Ex on the Beach is a show in the UK and Laura was outed as being intersex…)

    Looking up Laura memes is always interesting because I get ones in both English and Spanish.

  258. Did the Kara has and got Kara has disbanded. Apparently I was a HUGE girl group in South Korea that recently broke up. Where are my damn roaylties?

  261. Vivienne needs: (No Suggestions)
    Vivienne needs a: (No Suggestions)

    Luckily, I finally got results with HAS:

    Vivienne has:…no specializations.
    Vivienne has:…died.

    Sobs
    You know what? Screw you, Google, I haven’t died! AND I ALSO HAVE STARBURST JELLY BEANS!
    Runs away

  262. Alison needs – Google can’t spell my name
    Alison needs a – nothing
    Alison has – a twin (who knew?), gained weight (I deny it), a twin sister (my god it must be true!!), 1/2 cup of yogurt (😂)

  263. Hahaha Alison wants – to find out (no doubt where that damn twin sister is so I can blame her for the weight gain and accuse her of stealing the rest of my yogurt …)

  264. Apparently, Karen needs a hug? A vacation? Bristol? Um? I don’t know what Bristol looks like or if she’s my type but I’m not really a hugger. Maybe if Bristol is hot and we could just combine all those things and she could give me a hug while we vacation together? Karen has 459 friends(wow, I wasn’t aware of this) so, maybe I don’t need Bristol? And I have developed a friendship with Angela? Huh? Ok? Maybe I need to go on vacation with Angela and Bristol(Hmmm. Kinky. I like it.)? Karen has some lawn chairs? Uh? What? Oh, and Karen has Cottonmouth Vine? I don’t know what the fuck that is but it doesn’t sound good. I hope I didn’t catch that from Bristol or Angela. Maybe I should just be celibate? Maybe I should just stay away from people? But with 459 friends that’ll be hard to do. But if they don’t want to catch Cottonmouth Vine then maybe they’ll stay away from me? Okay no, I know what I need to do…. Stay THE FUCK AWAY FROM GOOGLE! There. Problem solved.

  265. “Madeleine needs…” It’s blank. It stopped suggesting anything once I added “needs”. ??? I guess that means I am 100% perfect just the way I am! smug grin

  266. I didn’t get anything good with “needs” so I tried “wants” and got
    cindy wants to know where the kernel is stored

  267. I thought this was hilarious, so I had to try it…that may not have been such a great idea.

    Andrea has … a needle phobia
    has … 37 coins
    has … been diagnosed with schizophrenia

  270. Eve needs a new skin.
    Eve has a white boyfriend and bad body odor.

    What’s up, Google? You wanna go?

  273. Hmm. “Trish needs” won’t auto-populate. Apparently I have nothing left to wish for. However, “Trish has” a jug of contaminated water. So apparently I also have things I don’t need. Unless I want to give other people diarrhea.

  274. I get nothing! Google has no suggestions for me. I guess I don’t need anything!

  275. I tried this and it said, “Laurie needs….to die.” I tried not to take it personally. I mean, Google doesn’t even know me and it wants me dead? Seems harsh. It also said, “Laurie needs…a new liver.” I guess a new one would be preferable to an old one. And really, I suspect my history of searches for, among other things, bar accessories, bourbon of the month clubs, liquor stores and cocktail recipes may have contributed to the whole “needs a new liver” perception.

  278. When I typed in Shannon Needs NOTHING auto suggested. So I hit the search and Apparnetly Shannon needs a mass confession event for its complicity in war and human rights abuse.

    I think I win.

  280. Apparently Google doesn’t think I need anything! I tried “Loida needs” and “Loida need a” and nothing pre-populated at all!! I’m kind of sad…

  281. Huh…
    I (Matt) apparently:
    …needs to pack an order for 1816 blocks… (now what are you going to do with 1800+ blocks?)
    …need a kidney (there are about 6 months of my 21st year that I don’t remember, so it’s possible)
    …needs to make 230 for a trip. (230 what? blocks? dollars?)
    …needs pickerington. (ummm. k…)
    …needs to pack an order for 1816. (done with the blocks and moving on to…?)

  282. Leslie needs 324 inches of fringe. That seems like quite a lot of fringe.

  283. I put in Tess needs and got: WHO NEEDS TESS? Thanks Google. But then I went to the website mentioned under it: http://www.tigereyesensor.com/who-needs-tess/ and I found this:
    “TESS™ isn’t just for criminal situations; it can help in medical emergencies too. 1 out of 3 seniors experience falls and related injuries each year in the U.S. and many don’t have any way to summon help (http://www.cdc.gov/homeandrecreationalsafety-/falls/adu ”

    I’m really glad to know that I can contribute SOMETHING to society, and that I’m not just for CRIMINAL situations.

    ALSO THIS: “Many runners have found themselves in frightening and even potentially dangerous situations when jogging on trails or at night. One of our own team members encountered two bobcats while running in an isolated canyon. Not only was his cell phone buried in his backpack, but there was no way for him to describe where he was on the trail if he reached 911 before the animals attacked. He knew in that moment that TESS™ would have been his best hope to get help. Fortunately, our colleague escaped by running backward with his eyes on the bobcats for almost a mile before they grew bored and wandered off.”

    The part that got my attention was “He knew in that moment that TESS™ would have been his best hope to get help.” Oh dude. Dude. Tess is never your best hope to get help. Tess can barely dress herself. Tess is the one on the floor who has fallen and can’t get up. Tess is the one knocking you down and running across your back to get away before the animals attack.

    So . . . also there were a lot of nasty remarks on google about Tess and Plus Sizes. I’m just saying.

  287. Mary wants a lover, a purple dress, and to be a superwoman – Google nailed it!

  288. Kara needs prayer. hmmm…
    Kara has been disbanded. Well that’s a little scary

  289. These Google search posts always make me laugh so hard that I’m in a natural high for a week. (You also know we all go and try these and lose so many days of our lives?)

  290. So I tried ‘kathy needs’ and got “kathy mccullough who needs magic’ and a blank, but ‘has’ makes me a dream come true because: “kathy has [b]50000 dollars to invest[/b]”

  291. “Corinne has mastered this type of problem” Why thank you Google! I needed that. 🙂

  292. Dana needs 300 Christmas lights with equal amounts of four colours. (I think that it is a math problem)

  293. Apparently that Bachelor girl Desiree ruined it for me because all of mine are about getting engaged and some guy named chris. I don’t NEED a guy named Chris GOOGLE!

  294. I typed my name into Google and nothing interesting came up. But I typed “Jenny has” and it had this as one : jenny has a circular cylinder with a lid. Sounds like Pringles to me!

  299. Katherine has… time powers, bad luck, a physics exam tomorrow, and a baby. Wow Google, you don’t know me at all!
    (I wouldn’t mind time powers though. Those sound damn useful)

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