Personally I just ball ’em up and shove them in the closet.

in Random Crap, weekly reruns

Number 89 of things I found on my phone that made me wonder what I was thinking when I wrote it, but at the same time, I’m totally right:

People who can’t fold a fitted sheet are like people who can’t fold water.  And you might say “Wait.  But no one can fold water” and I to that I say, “FUCKING EXACTLY”.

*******

And now, the weekly wrap-up:

madebyroundtablecompanies 2

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Melissa Pirwani’s book No Touching Secrets!  It’s a good book to use for parents caregivers and professionals to start a conversation with children in their care to help them be equipped and empowered regarding sexual abuse.  I don’t have a joke for this because there are no jokes for this.  It’s just a good thing to talk about with your kids.  The end.  Buy the book or find out more about it right here.

106 thoughts on “Personally I just ball ’em up and shove them in the closet.”

Read comments below or add one.

  2. Folding fitted sheets is like herding cats. I think I read that somewhere.

    OMG. I have a family reunion coming up! That is the only place I could wear that shirt, but I think I must.

    I always read book dedications. I heart these so hard.

    P.S. It was a good thing you did there on Twitter. I have 500 new followers (no shit!) and they are good, good people 🙂

  3. I watched a video of a lady folding a fitted sheet. She did it over and over again so you could see what she was doing. And I watched it over and over again. I could not do it. But I found the perfect solution. I launder the sheet and put it back on the bed. No folding ever.

  4. I used to think folding fitted sheets was the witchcraftiest thing I’d ever seen until I witnessed a woman turning a pair of leather chaps into a secure packable bundle. Then I watched it again. Then my eyes fell out.

  5. Doesn’t everyone just ball it up and throw it in the closet? The only time a fitted sheet is nicely folded is when it is still in the package from the store. Right?

  6. Sadly, I dated a guy who had a very strict method for folding fitted sheets. I’m just going to assume that my inability to adhere to the method was one of the many reasons that he broke up with me.

  8. I am a poor tortured genius, for I have mastered sheet-folding but have o KY one set of sheets. It goes straight from the dryer to the bed.

    I have folded fitted sheets nine times in my life, once for each time I’ve moved. Each time was flawless perfection.

  9. I once had a blind date with a lovely introvert. His secret power… folding fitted sheets. Every Sat he went to yard sales and found the most populated one and looked for fitted sheets and would stand there and fold them. Soon, he’d be asked out.

    He made me promise to never tell anybody. But then he said he would never date me because my pet snake ate rats and mice and he could not comprehend that I would not switch the snake to a vegan diet. So I am breaking my promise.

  10. Apparently there is an actual way to fold fitted sheets, and I’ve seen the video for it, but I’d need to see printed and illustrated instructions before I could really give it a proper try, because seeing things illustrated is the only way my brain can make that kind of thing work. Recently, though, I’ve just done the put-them-right-back-on-the-bed bit, although being able to fold them would be nice so they wouldn’t get too wrinkled on the way back from the laundromat in the granny cart…

    Oh, and because this just occurred to me: Jenny, is that an F-bomb you’re holding over your head and about to fling with wild (or not-so-wild) abandon while riding a unicorn on the front of your calendar? Just wondering…

  12. Wash dry then stuff everything in the pillow case. If you really have to put them in the drier prior to on the bed w smelly dryer sheet. Or take it to your moms. Or call your BFF crying that you just can’t … She might come over and “help” … There. Ignore everything (nonsense) before the last sentence

  14. Wait . . . I can fold fitted sheets. This means I am a GOD!!! (Insert majestic music here) Now, I am going to test my powers by folding my morning shower.

  15. On of my best friends taught me how to do the folding fitted sheets thing. I promptly forgot.
    They’re all wadded up in the bottom of the armoire. I like to think it’s easier to find them that way when it’s time to change the sheets. Flat ones folded, fitted ones in a bundle. There must be a method to my madness!

  16. I can fold a fitted sheet so that it lays flat and fits into the linen closet with the other sheets. Does that make me weird? Or does it mean my mom is weird that she knows how and made sure I do too? You know what, I’m weird. I claim the title. I get sad when my imaginary friends (i.e. my characters) won’t talk to me or do what I want them to do. I don’t mind if being able to fold a fitted sheet makes me strange. 😀

  18. I have mastered the folding of fitted sheets, and I do it whilst unloading the dryer (because apartment complex = carrying clean laundry through the entire fucking building; gotta make it all fit back into the laundry bag). If my husband ever tries (rather than just putting them directly back onto the bed), I will be required to immediately divorce him. I mean, the man can’t fold a TOWEL or hang a shirt on a hanger, and I’m going to expect him to fold a fitted sheet? C’mon!

    Loving having all these new Twitter followers, but the first coupla days was kind of exhausting, because I didn’t know how to make the phone stop notifying me. Seventeen updates each second is a bit much, dontcha think?

    … and @robintmp, I think @Anonymous just mis-typed “only” rather than intentionally indicating ownership of perma-lubed sheets.

  19. My narcissistic, perfectionist father taught me to fold fitted sheets.
    And how to drive.
    No wonder I’m all kinds of ‘no fucks left to give.’.
    Better buy the T-shirt.
    For him.
    I liked your book dedication best. Way to hold that grudge and get that revenge!

  20. I am one of the sheet-folding freaks! But then again, I have a bunch of useless talents, so it’s no real surprise. My clothes are in one giant pile on the floor so that evens it out right?

  21. I’ve been told “maybe your life is meant to serve as a warning to others”. Excuse me? As a warning for what? How the fuck is that helpful?

    My reaction is the same as yours… “Uh, thanks?”
    My guess is she didn’t read past your dedication. Her loss.

    Life is too short to fold fitted sheets. I agree with the other poster – folded sheets = flat ones, bundled sheets = fitted. Easy to figure out!

  22. Folding fitted sheets is like the devil. If folding fitted sheets is like folding water, then is water like the devil? I’m not sure if I’m good at logic or bad at it.

  23. I like folding fitted sheets. It’s one of my freakish talents. I think it’s because I’m dyslexic. I will happily come over and fold then for others. 🙂

  24. So much to say. Too much of an stress headache to type it. Love the list and that you made it. Fitted shits are assholes. ❤

  25. The secret to folding the sheets is to tuck the opposite corners inside out into one another, neatly, then fold in halves, quarters, etc, then ball the mess up and throw it in the linen closet because those stupid instructions NEVER BLOODY WORK!

    The secret to folding water is a helluva lot simpler: It needs to be frozen near the melting point, but frothy, like snow. THAT, you can fold. (No one said it had to be liquid water…)

  26. I hate folding fitted sheets. And yet I can. I don’t think I can fold water. Never tried… Will let you know if I can.

    The flu makes makes me even less funny. :/

    Love giving no fucks at all. 🙂 In the metaphorical sense. The other kind can be pretty awesome.

  27. I like folding fitted sheets. The real pain-in-the-ass trick is to take it slow, use a table, and iron the hell out of it. I only do this for sheets being stored long-term, so they don’t take up too much room in the closet. Of course, quilting has given me an obscene amount of practice folding and ironing things into place…

  28. My mother could pull a fitted sheet out of the dryer and, with a couple of flips, fold it so it looked like it came right out of the package brand new. It’s a trait I didn’t inherit or a skill I didn’t learn, or both. She’s been gone 11 years this August and if she can see me, she is shaking her head at my balled up, wadded fitted sheets.

  29. Folding and fitted sheets don’t even belong in the same sentence. I’m happy to know that you kickass readers and writers understand. Solidarity, my sisters and brothers! Rise against this inhumane exercise!

  30. Haha, fitted sheets are just evil for folding. I don’t know how many YouTube videos I’ve watched but I still can’t do it neatly. I’ve given up. I just wash the sheets and when they dry put them back on the bed. I only use the same sheets now. That’s why I now wash first thing in the morning.

  31. atticcrazy, your mom and my mom are hanging out and comparing notes as to where they went wrong with us. Perhaps fitted-sheet-folding-mastery is genetic and skips a generation?

    Jenny, you’re in great company — Mark Twain, Allie Brosh and Rachel Maddow.

  32. I don’t claim to be able to fold fitted sheets perfectly flat, but I’ve found they fold into a somewhat flatter mess if I turn them inside out. Either that or they just seem flatter to me because I tell myself I know a trick.

  33. Literally every time I see my sheets I think, “this is the time that I try really hard and I FOLD THIS GODDAMN FITTED SHEET!” And I try really hard for between 6-8 seconds before giving up.

  34. Can’t food fitted sheets. Hell, I can barely fold a wash cloth. You should see the inside if my “linen” closet.

  36. The post makes me want to change our king size bed sheets. If only I didn’t have a twin, and a queen bed already waiting in line to do since family of 5 visited home for Spring break.

  37. For decades I haven’t even OWNED a fitted sheet, because I slept on a waterbed. Then I had to patch a leak one too many times, and we bought a regular mattress. Now I own fitted sheets. But I’m still not folding them. That way lies madness.

  38. I enjoyed your dedication but the greatest dedication I’ve seen:
    https://scsh.net/docu/html/man.html

    It starts:

    “Who should I thank? My so-called “colleagues,” who laugh at me behind my back, all the while becoming famous on my work? My worthless graduate students…”

    And it goes on from there

  40. My mom taught me how to fold a fitted sheet. Unless the word “taught” implies that I actually learned how. If so, then in actuality she folded a fitted sheet in front of me multiple times whilst saying “See, it’s easy when you know how” and I then I wadded it in a ball and shoved it in the closet. I can fold a flat sheet though. Unless the word “fold” implies that I can manipulate the sheet into a compact, uniformly-sized-on-all-edges package that fits neatly in the closet. If so, then in actuality, no, not that either.

  42. Yeah well on top of THAT I have kids and some sheets are twin and some queen and I can’t even. Not one little bit.

  43. I have NEVER been able to fold a fitted sheet…so I just roll them in a ball like you and put it on the shelf under all the folded ones……or use the same ones over and over and just put them right back on the bed…

  44. Hey I’m just satisfied if the sheets get washed. Successful folding of a fitted sheet is setting the bar WAY too high.

  45. I can fold a fitted sheet.

    It is apparently such a rare (read: useless) skill, that a guy actually hit on me in the laundromat after admiring my nice neat stack of linens.

    Don’t be too jealous. I’m 47, and he was at least ten years older. Flirting for the middle-aged.

    Sigh.

  46. I can fold a fitted sheet with precision! I can even fold towels! Not too hard, just channel your origami skils and you’re golden! What about folding up socks?

  48. I particularly like, “To my enemies. I will destroy you.” But I feel like all these people used their dedications extremely well.

  49. Folding fitted sheets only works if they don’t have the elastic on all four sides. I used to be able to fold them, but not my new set.

  50. Folding sheets? Why? I always start with good intentions and straight corners, but halfway through I rage-quit and just throw them in the closet. I like “Knock knock, motherfucker” but I prefer “Tick tock, motherfucker”, which is what I say is slow traffic and when I’m behind people in line-ups who think the rest of us are there because the view is so goddamn nice.

  51. there are two kinds of people in the world:
    those who can fold fitted sheets
    and those that can’t
    🙂

  52. Folding a fitted sheet isn’t hard. It just takes practice and a bitch of a mother who would make me do it over and over until it was perfect. Anything learned that hard sticks. 😉

  53. I worked in the “linens” section of a store that sold irregular loose single items, so folding the sheets that the customers unfolded and then balled up and left on the tables was my actual job at one point. Obviously this means I know how to fold fitted sheets, but I learned to hate customers very quickly.

  55. I don’t even pretend like I’m going to fold them. Sheets, or even my clothes for that matter. There is a special basket in my room for stuff like that. I call it ‘this is where I keep the clean clothes’ basket. Nobody has time for that!

  57. The comments section here gets credit for being exponentially more entertaining than anywhere else I’ve read. Bravo non-douchy, clever people!

  60. My boyfriend can and does fold fitted sheets. He is quite magical. <3 <3 <3

  61. I know how to fold fitted sheets perfectly: I take them to the cleaners and they are returned to me folded and sealed in plastic with a little bow on them.

  63. maggie – that is exactly how I fold them every time. However – she is cheating by folding a twin-size sheet. A queen-size (or even worse king-size) sheet has a level of difficulty several orders of magnitude larger than this. Hence the balled up mess we all end up with.

  64. I have worked in Nursing Homes. Folding a fitted sheet is a requirement. Like, the old people know how to do it because they’re old, so we’re supposed to do it for them now because they’ve EARNED that right NOT to have to do it anymore because THEY walked 15 miles one way to school with only rubber tire pieces tied to their feet with twine and only had the crust of bread to eat at lunch time. And played with rocks and sticks, not iPhones. So now, I am going to go fold some water.

  65. I have a very small, very odd shaped space in which to put my sheets. So I made a cardboard template. The sheets are folded to meet the template. Then the sheets and a pillow case are tucked inside the second pillow case which is also folded to the template. However, I am much more likely to wash and put the sheets back on the bed. Why fold them if you don’t have to? When I switch from flannel to regular cotton, they get folded. Or if there’s a pet accident. Otherwise, folding freshly laundered sheets seems a waste if you are making a bed.

  66. I just happened to be reading today’s post when my man told me he had to show me something he found on etsy… I think it’s a sign that it’s meant for you!! A taxidermy mouse chess set!?!!
    http://etsy.me/19j6NWJ

  67. I love to fold fitted sheets. When I have finished, I hold the sheet up to the mirror as if presenting an offering to the gods and solemnly intone “WHAT MANNER OF WITCHCRAFT IS THIS?” every time. Every. Single. Time.

  68. when my husband was still alive and we had to do laundry for ourselves and three children at the laundromat, we could at least get the nice flat top sheets folded in a manner my mom would approve of. Now it’s just me, and I have a washer and dryer at home, so I wash my favorite sheets, put them on the bed,Presto-Chango,it’s like a magic trick.I’m celebrating my 64th birthday, so my spelling may be a touch shabby at the moment.

  69. I agree with balling them up…and then inevitably when I make the bed, there will be a rouge pair of underwear or two unmatched socks in the midst.

  70. The dedication was pretty great, but no way was it the best part of the book!

  73. Uh, I can fold fitted sheets. Remnant of many, many years working home lines in retail. I can fold a king comforter and fit it back into that bag it came in, too. Skills, people, skills!

  74. That tuck the corners into each other thing never worked for me…line the corner seams up like it was a flat sheet, tuck the elastic bits in, and continue to fold like a flat sheet (can lay it flat for minimum size, but works by hand for queen sheets).

    Seems it should be a compliment…there are some epic ones in that list so your’s is in good company (although their title’s a bit crummy).

    Also if you are still looking for snow, we’ve had six inches since saturday morning (admittedly some melted yesterday but it’s still going). By tonight they should have plowed (and that should be long enough to get to new england). Everything’s already started blooming though, so expect lots of frostbitten plants though.

  75. My Mom can fold them. It’s like sorcery. She shows me over and over again and all that happens is me carefully balling it up instead of just balling it up quickly.

  76. The secret to folding fitted sheets is to constantly shake them out so they lay nice. Or so my mom said. I shake the shit outta them things but nope…. they don’t fold nice for me.

  77. I have a special place for fitted sheets. In a drawer under my bed that I only open when I need another fitted sheet. Because they are offensive and I can’t stand looking at them in my linen closet with all the beautifully folded towels, flat sheets, pillow cases & duvet covers. Incidentally, my linen closet is the only place where I allow my OCD glorious freedom – at least that’s what I tell myself. Over and over and over again.

  78. I can fold fitted sheets and was actually just training my 11 year old son how to do it this weekend. Free lessons, bring your own sheets and I will teach you!

  79. —-And here I thought I was the only one who couldn’t fold a Freeeeeeeeaking, stupid sheet.
    I was feeling all inadequate and shit! xx from MN.

  80. Oprah had Martha Stewart on her show once to show how to fold a fitted sheet. That’s all I remember. I’m pretty much too busy trying to make sure they don’t land on the ground of the laundrymat because ewwwww.

    Another thank you for the coolness that is now my Twitter feed. This is such a good good group of people.

  81. Inner Chick, comment 80, the Martha Stewart video about folding sheets that is available on YouTube has over 1.5 million views. Literally no one can fold one of those things.

  82. My 1st boyfriend’s mom taught me how to fold fitted sheets. Gotta say I’m not really good but the other day I was looking for the fitted sheet to match my flat. I looked and looked until I realized I was holding it in my hand thinking it was a flat! Haha

  83. I hate to admit it but….I not only fold my fitted sheets but they go back in the zippered bags they came in from the store when they’re not on a bed. Drives my sister nuts when she comes for a visit and we make up her bed. Once she realized that I wasn’t just buying new sheets every time she came home. Does it redeem me at all to know I’m just a tough OCD.

  84. Folding fitted sheets was one of the very few useful things my mother taught me. I like folding things. Even plastic grocery bags. I’m not a bag hoarder, I actually use them. I can’t stand to look at things all scrunched and mushed and wrinkled and squished ughUghUGH
    Meow meow meow

  86. I’ll tell you how to fold fitted sheets. Wash them forever and then when the damned elastic is all stretched out, THEN you can fold the little bastards, nice and flat!

    My problem is the TOP sheet. The way I sleep (I ride a bicycle in my sleep), they wind up all scrunched up at the bottom of the bed. So, I quit using them. Fitted sheet, comforter on top, cats on top of comforter in back of my knees, draped on my shoulder, or leaning against my elbow…
    EVERYBODY WINS!

  87. I just wad them up and shove them in the back of the linen closet… after all I am a single mom. No one in my bed gives a crap about a wrinkled fitted sheet… certainly not my dog and cat and I’m too darned tired to care. My kids don’t care… and who are we trying to impress with our perfectly folded sheets anyway? If my mom sees this, I will be written out of the will… I guess it’s all I have in the form of rebellion.

  88. My mil can fold a fitted sheet – and yes, we are pretty sure she’s a witch. But Glenda the good witch – witch. <3 She’s good people and mothers the hell out of my family.

  90. why bother? I take it as far as I can and roll the rest around it. These are permanent press, people, and as soon as you put in on the bed it’s not wrinkled, anyway. =)

  92. I can fold a fitted sheet… it’s one of the stupid human tricks I’ve self-taught in case I ever end up in a talk show audience and get called on. 🙂

  96. holy fux stix i want tokhdfdgfjfg. Jenny. frustrated in sharklorado. tattedtrixie Kreeepin

  97. I can fold fitted sheets. I married a man with ocd and he cleans the rest of the house but I fold the fucking sheets. Some days I feel like it’s my only contribution to the household, but at least it’s one that’s impressive, right?

  99. I just wanted to let you know that after reading your two books, I got a tattoo. First one ever. I now have a silver (well light grey with white highlights, who knew they don’t have silver ink?) ribbon on my left wrist/lower forearm. It is to remind me that I am a survivor, I have fought the broken mind for over 50 years now and thanks to medication, strong support system and sheer willpower I am winning. I wanted the world to know. And…it’s all your fault. Thank you.

  100. Hope this is not too obnoxious. Some satire by me “Life Hacks from the Literary Deconstructionists” on the Reject Pile
    “How to Fold a Fitted Bed Sheet
    “First, is the sheet king, queen, or twin-size? Observe, then put that information aside. It has no bearing on the proceedings, unless you have an unnaturally long reach. Are you alone? No? Are you sure? How do you know? Put the sheet on the floor. Find an edge. Make one hand a shovel and slide it inside one pocket. Find its partner. Reject the word partner as a pernicious anthropomorphism. True partnerships are impossible as all human relations are a priori unequal. Is the sheet folded yet? Can you trust your phenomenological experience? Look. Your sheet has unfolded itself in a disavowal of your violent hierarchies. Ball it up and hide it at the bottom of your girlfriend’s closet.”

  101. Yes, this crazy dandy is on my bucket list. I want the badge for this one, the pride to be able to say, “I can fold a fitted sheet”. I practice, but am convinced a folding table is necessary…(hey honey!).

  102. Wow, what are the odds? It turns out I own nine of the 22 books from that dedications article you linked to! That would be: your book, Rachel Maddow’s, the graphic novel by Prudence Shen and Faith Erin Hicks, JK Rowling’s (of course), Antoine de Saint-Exupéry’s (in French and English), Shannon Hale’s, Allie Brosh’s (I own ALL the books!), Mark Twain’s, and the Zombie one by the crazies at Cracked.

    FYI, while I adore the graphic novel Prudence Shen and Faith Erin Hicks created, Prudence has also written some of the most beautiful, dramatic, and complicated Smallville and Stargate Atlantis fanfic you’ll ever see. She really should file the serial numbers off and publish, she’d make more money than the fanfic writers who filed the serial numbers off their fic and published Fifty Shades of Gray and the Twilight series, combined.

  103. Hi I’m looking for a penpal and I haven’t had any response’s my name is Ashley Glandon my address is 7210 barrister Dr. Boise Idaho I’m at the ada county jail and just need someone to talk to. So if you’re interested please write I need some friends.

  104. Many mornings I find that I’ve sent myself an email in the middle of the night from my phone that will say something ridiculous like; PICK YOUR KID UP AFTER SCHOOL JACKASS!!!!

    Sometimes it’s boring like “Buy cream cheese and vodka..,../call momma,…,tell her about the flea powder for the yard that kills ticks!!!”

    My life is really not that exciting.

  105. Told my boyfriend this; his response: “Moses could fold fitted sheets?”

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