WTF, Kevin.

No weekly wrap-up today because my head is full of stuffing and walnuts but I had to share this with you because this is exactly why we need to be prepared for the robot revolution.  Because Kevin is a real douche-canoe.

PS. It strikes me that “douche-canoe” is still fun to say but it might be time for something new.  Cock nugget, maybe?  I don’t know.  I’m open for suggestions.

198 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Goddammit, Kevin.

    Michelle recently posted Who’s That Behind The Red Chanel Lipstick?.

  2. Cock nugget. Soooo using this. ;D

  3. I like Snot Sock as a general purpose insult.

  4. Ohhh…can I suggest “Douche Twizzle” or “Wank Stain”? I am most fond of wank stain. Not actually wank stains because that would be weird. I am fond of calling people wank stains.

  5. Twat waffle
    Inbred swamp dweller
    Sheep loving cow tipper

  6. This is hysterical. Dammit Kevin.

  7. Also, my grandmother was very concerned about swearing, and suggested Shakespearean insults. Not necc. more gentle, frankly, but there is this :

  8. Good Grief Gertie!
    Kevin’s a dick.
    And I could never get up from my knees like that…
    Can’t top douche-canoe.
    I usually go with ‘hateful dum-dum’ when it comes to name calling.
    And character assassination.

  9. Last year, after an “incident” my younger son referred to his high school administrators as “fascist cock waffles.”

    I was way too proud and impressed to scold him.

    And it still makes me giggle. recently posted Exploring more of Fort Sam: Peacocks! And does this tank make my butt look big?.

  10. Lmao! Now THAT was funny! Stupid Kevin!

  11. I’d like to nominate “penis-leech” for consideration.

  12. Does his voice remind anyone else of someone on MST3K?
    And for insults I like Douche Waffle – rolls off this tongue nicely.

  13. I’ve been called a DICKWEED BY A GUY. NOT DIRE HOW THAT WORKS – I love dick and hate weeds. Snapper Butt, Puddin’ punk. There’s a whole load of terrific curses that you can say in front of your Mom

  14. Ass fedora?

  15. Dipshit would work in a pinch. Or dickwad. Oldies but goodies.

  16. Now that was funny! Douche Canoe yes! Stupid Kevin. Another moniker for Kevin? How about Richard top?

  17. You should’ve put a disclaimer not to watch this video while eating. I’m now wearing half my mac and cheese…

    lifevivified recently posted The Liebster, Bitchez!!.

  18. I’d like to nominate “penis-leech” for consideration. I’ve been saying it for about 30 years. I’m not sure exactly how to define it, but I know one when I see one.

  19. Omg that was hilarious! Thx for the share.

  20. Now I want a smart ass robot. I also want him/her/it to clean bathrooms, floors. and windows. And I don’t think douche-canoe can ever really go stale – it’s a classic.

  21. I have a soft spot for foul-mouthed robots! Who knew?

    AmyBerry recently posted Dressing Up.

  22. I still like the old-fashioned “peckerhead.” “Cock-wad” is nice too. I understand the British use “wank stain.”

    Janet Coburn recently posted A Story From the Art.

  23. I prefer, “Ass Cactus”.

  24. I’ve always been rather fond of “twatwaffle”. It’s super fun to say, so I always get a little excess joy when using it. Give it a try!

  25. Choad chomper or, if you’re feeling classy, uncultured swine.

  26. I’ve always liked “knuckle dragging troglodyte”

  27. So for some reason the video showed up as a sloth who wanted to cuddle and I was so confused.

  28. Weeeel, DD and I still use “douche canoe” with terrifying frequency when driving but we also like “dick wagon.” Was that one of yours? We can’t remember where we acquired it.

  29. Depends on who. Certain politicians are currently known as Crotch Nazis. In general I am currently backing Butt Slug, Taint Biscuit and Sphincter Pilot.

    Angie S recently posted Recovery is a Process.

  30. Twat waffle and ass hat are my two favorites.

  31. WTF you laughing at hippie?

  32. It’s time for ‘dick head’ to return.

    Gary Lum recently posted My week in food.

  33. Frozen post licker has always been a favourite of mine – it might be a function of growing up in Northern Ontario…

  34. Ass hat. this is my go to for things like this!

  35. I’m partial to “jackhole.” It’s about the ass coverage. 😉

  36. 36
    Karyn Doherty

    Hmmmmm……dick- whistle? Douche rocket? Butt brain? My four year old usually goes with bum bum, which is hilarious, at least to those preschool punks he hangs with….

  37. I love the term Douche Canoe, but I most definitely think I’m adding into my vocabulary cock nugget.

    And this is why I love you.

  38. Finally figured out what a douche canoe is… It’s a kayak! Because lots of douchey people own them because they’re “Too good” for a canoe.
    But not everyone who owns one is douchey…

  39. My favorite term lately is “Dick Waffle”…..

  40. Really can’t beat the Bard. From “Henry IV”: Part 1
    “You starvellng, you elf-skin, you dried neat’s-tongue, you bull’s-pizzle, you stock-fish! O for breath to utter what is like thee! You tailor’s-yard, you sheath, you bowcase, you vile standing tuck!”

  41. Better watch out Kevin or you might get hit upside your snot locker! You numb nuts, don’t piss off the robots! Douche-Canoe is classic and will never get old, it rolls off the tongue so easy, so poetic😂🍷😬

  42. This is the real reason robot uprisings happen.

  43. Ima work out some more so I can stand up from a full kneel like my new robot hero does at 1:29.

    Coco recently posted Why An Epic Battle for the Presidency Needs Dreamers.

  44. My brother was fond of calling me a diseased rhinoceros testicle.

  45. No one excels at swearing like the Brits, so may I offer ‘spunktrumpet’ and ‘fucknugget’ (both new to me) and my personal favorites, ‘fuckwit’ and ‘gobshite’. Countless hours of Brit telly are finally of use.

  46. 46
    Jenni (aka Sassypants)

    My new favorite is “bunglecunt”, personally.

  47. I’m personally fond of doucheweasel. I feel like it takes the classic douche canoe to a new, modern level.

  48. Banana Hammock

  49. I am fond of “F*ck Knuckle”. Of course, it is not always suitable since it contains the F Bomb, but it sure does roll off the tongue.

  50. 50
    Doug in Oakland

    Douche-Canoe is still great, I also like Michelle’s “douche twizzle”, and a long time ago my friends used to say choad belly a lot…

  51. I like Sperm gurgling cunt muscle.

    Kevin is a corn tracker.( )

    I still like and still use douche canoe on the regular.

  52. All suggestions are delightful and I can hardly wait to use each and every one. I am so old, I remember when dick-wad was new and still employ it on occasion. A fun one to use with the younger set is Mr. ____ Pants. Fill in the blank. Mr. Smelly Pants. Mr. Buttcheek Pants. Mr. Jalapeno Popper Pants. Fun for the entire family.

    katemahar recently posted A little something about my day job.

  53. Dickweed is a good catch-all phrase. Unless this autocorrects, in which case duckweed works too.

  54. I am also quite found of douche nozzle.

  55. I’m sticking with douche canoe. Although cock nugget is also pretty apt.

    You’re sick, Jenny? Me, too, although mine is more feverish than congestion. Here’s hoping we’re both better soon!

    emelle28 recently posted What's goin' on?.

  56. wankpuffin and cockwomble are current raves this side of the Pond,..

  57. Kevin is a twat waffle, and he’ll be sorry when the robot revolution happens. Some other suggestions, since cursing is just my favorite thing:
    Knob cheese (British cursing is awesome)
    Sperm burping hussy
    Cock knockin’ bastard
    Turd muffin
    Diseased snatch muffin
    Puss bucket
    Inbred gutter who’re
    I can do this all day…..

  58. I say shitstick and fucktard. Frequently.

    Kelly recently posted One Painful Step Closer to Boobs.

  59. This scares the shit out of me.

  60. 60
    Leila aka @bigfogiefan

    I’m fond of assclown!

  61. Douche canoe is simply classic.

  62. Douche nugget (no idea why), fuck stockings, asshat, assclown. But because Ghostbusters is always the best: mother pus bucket.

    kstewand4cats recently posted Introducing Your Cats to Bears.

  63. I like fart knocker.

  64. I love Douche Canoe, of course my phone auto corrects this to Douche To-Do, which sounds like a formal event. And this video made me snort.

  65. My girls are fond of butt nugget.

  66. One of my friends, while driving, was being annoyed by his brother. Traffic was awful and he was getting fed up, so he turned around and yelled, “Shut up, shitdick! I’m trying to drive here!”

  67. So…this is why the Cylons rose up against the humans, right?

    All this has happened before, and all this will happen again…

    Jackie recently posted Sunday A-Z Challenge: Ever After.

  68. Still using “Penis Breath” from ET. It’s timeless.

    Half a 1000 Miles recently posted 100 Questions to Ask Each Other.

  69. Wank puffin.

  70. Cock womble, just a bloody marvellous phrase.
    Twat features

  71. 71
    Cyprus of Portland

    Never fails to crack me up. Reminds me of in terms of humor and style.

  72. DORK… is the name for a whale’s penis. Really! Look it up! :p

  73. My new favorite, and I can’t remember where I got it from, is fuckwhistle.

  74. Douche canoe always sounds like an insult to females and we get enough disrespect as it is.

  75. Is this video even real life? What am I watching? This is happening in my city? Good god. I think I’m a shut-in.

  76. I almost feel bad for the robot. Almost.

    Kelly and Geoff recently posted The science and history of rogue waves, part one.

  77. I’m trying to propel “Dick-chisel” to greatness. I also like “dickbag” a lot.

    J Rose recently posted Twentyish by Fortyish.

  78. I have no useful suggestions, but I needed that video and this comments section today! I’ve picked up a few options for yelling at the computer while I do my taxes…

  79. Swear word dice, heard about the hem from walking dead crew! I need to make a set!

  80. Dink-eyes. It was my kid brother’s and my favorite insult when we were little brats. Made us giggle like giggly things.

  81. Who cares about Kevin? I want one of those robots. Wow-worthy!

  82. Douchecanoe. Imagine it for a moment.

  83. Cocksore as in ” this is as pleasant as a cocksore.”

  84. Douchecanoe. Imagine it for a moment.

  85. “Rat-bastard” is still one of my favourites. Also, “You smell like ass,” and “Fuck you and everyone who looks like you.”

    mydangblog recently posted My Week 80: Thing That Are Like Other Things, The Serial Killer Upstairs Strikes Again.

  86. Made my day! So funny!!! Ha!

  87. Honestly, I think it’s the name Kevin. Really, it’s not his fault…

  88. I think it’s because his name is Kevin. Really, he can’t help himself…

  89. Fuck puddle is my current favourite

  90. I think it’s bitch nuts now.

  91. For something/someone egregiously vile I prefer the term puss bucket.

  92. 92
    Major Bedhead

    That was awesome.

    Cock gobbling thunder cunt is one of my favorites, but it takes a pretty high level of pissed-offedness for me to break it out.

  93. One of my hubby’s favorite curses is to call someone or something a “whore skunk”. As in “you’re a whore skunk”, or “what a whore skunk”. I’ve used it extensively where you can’t call some one a mother fucker.

  94. Hubby started using dickass a couple of years ago.

    Hope you feel better soon!

  95. I personally like wank stain

  96. twat waffle. kevin is a twat waffle.

  97. Dick whisk.

  98. I like bandersnach it sounds horrible but it’s just a character from Alice in wonderland. “Stop being a bandersnach” Also once when I was a kid I called my moms ex husband a “black hearted billy goat” she asked were that came from I said I didn’t know but I was mad. She was so impressed.

  99. I’m fond of “god rot” as a general swear word because the word “drat” is the contraction of it. Sometimes long form is better.

  100. Butt bunion.

  101. 101

    Uncontrollable laughing throughout our house as we watched this. WTF Kevin?!?!

  102. Twat Waffle is my go to right now.

  103. I’m rather fond of Flaming Ass Pirate.

  104. Cockwomble

  105. Wankpuffin is a current favourite with Apocalyptic Dingleberry coming a close second.

  106. Prick bucket ?

  107. Twatwaffle is my go-to. And Kevin was being a major twatwaffle with all that fuckery. Fuckery and twatwafflage. My favorite words. It’s a good day. Unless you’re the robot in that video.

    thornfield523 recently posted I Promise This One Will Be Short(er).

  108. cream faced loon. Or I liked Numpty. (idiot in Scots.)

  109. I have been ready for the robot revolution ever since I watched Wizard of Oz. All I need is a garden hose, and they rust up like nobody’s business. NO FEAR HERE!

    becomingcliche recently posted Three Things Thursday: What Made Me Smile.

  110. Although it is truthfully hard to top douche canoe, I am a big fan of ‘window licker’. I’m pretty sure that Kevin is less of a window licker than that douche canoe who pushed him from behind. What can I say? I have a soft spot for potty-mouthed androids.

    Kristine @ MumRevised recently posted Woman Discovers Source of Possible Epidemic in her Home.

  111. i have complained about that so many times. that shit fucker. this is EXACTLY why they turn on us. shit like this right here!

  112. I recently saw a meme that included the word “twatsicle” and made it my new fave.

  113. Umm, Kevin should sleep with one eye open tonight.

  114. 114

    On my knitting board we say douchecraft carrier.

  115. Oh, Jesus, YouAreHere. Douchecraft carrier is so going on my list!

  116. Penis wrinkle is a personal fave. Makes me giggle!

  117. I’ve always been partial to Turd Blossom

  118. 118

    Shitpickle. My husband gave me that one, and it comes in very handy when I’m writing briefs for myself about terrible people.

  119. God I loved this. Of course, when skynet is born, our robot overlords will show their young ones videos like this.

  120. Not sure why my previous comment showed up as anonymous. Maybe the revolution has begun.

    Shari recently posted Wyatt and other Books.

  121. The comments are so creative! And educational.

    Kevin is a wicked wicked douche canoe; the robot isn’t going to gander any sympathy with that attitude. Why does this have to be in Boston? Is this where the uprising starts?

    I think everybody has the flu right now; feel better. My husband’s favorite is to tell someone to go suck a wet fart. I happen to say fuck you you fucking fuckity fuck a lot. Also, holy fucktards and son of a whore.

    Eat me still remains in my pantheon of curses. As far as G rated ones, I’m pretty stumped. Hosehead is still an oldie but goody.

  122. I like fuck knuckle, doorknob and dingus. One of my students used dirty booger. I thought that was very creative yet classroom appropriate.

  123. Pus guzzler…

  124. 124
    Beth Damiano

    I sometimes use ‘cockroach fucker’ as an insult. It shuts up an entire room, so it’s too potent to use everyday. Save it for really special cases. 🙂

  125. Current fave – Cock-womble.
    Wombles are stuffed creatures that live on Wimbledon Common. The sing and tidy stuff and have cool names like Orinico and Madame something . . oh now I have to google British ’60s kids programmes . .

  126. Hahahah, I’m rolling on the floor laughing.. at the post, as well as some hillarious comments :))

  127. How about ‘cockwomble’? A Scottish fellow taught me that one and I use it as much as possible and even a bit gratuitously because I love it so fucking much.

    Michelle recently posted Dear Lobsters….

  128. Oh yeah, Sair, I hear ya!!

  129. Oh, and ASSBUTT. 🙂

  130. 130
    Lady Macbeth

    Kevin will be the first to go when Skynet takes over. And, I have no suggestions regarding a replacement for douchecanoe, as there have been so many amazing ones so far that I have no hope of topping (or even contributing for that matter).

  131. This video of the “Big Dog” robot pack animal is pretty freaky. This big headless thing trotting along with a noise like a giant bluebottle…. then someone KICKS it, and it desperately scrabbles to keep its footing. I both felt sorry for it and wanted to kill it with fire. CONFUSING.

  132. Twat waffle!!!

  133. I’m partial to “nipple dick” but I still enjoy douche canoe on occasion.

  134. 134

    I want one!

  135. I’m a fan of taint fondler.

  136. In my daily vernacular, I have been known to use “fuck bag” and “douche tit”.

    I’m not allowed in a lot of public places.

    Dumb {Squared} recently posted Is there an end to my humiliation at Starbucks?.

  137. Jizz Waffle is one of my personal favorites.

  138. I’m a serious suck-rag because all I can think is I want to see that robot beating up another swearing robot.
    Or beating the douche twizzle bandersnatch twat waffling douche tit cockwomble taint fondling douchecraft carrier wank stain butt bunion carbuncle ass cactus printer in my office.

    Don’t get me started on how much I want to live out that climactic scene from “Office Space”.

  139. One of my favorites is Orca Dork (this has nothing to do with a persons weight… look up the definition of dork). 😉

  140. I’m fond of using “twatwaffle”.

  141. Artisanal Knob Socket

  142. I have used “cum-guzzling weasel fuck” more times than I care to count…..

  143. Fun ones to use that are Safe For Work:

    Melon Baller.
    Meat Raffle.
    Corn Husker
    Roach Motel
    Turkey Baster
    Toilet Plunger
    Tank Cleaner
    Dick Butkus

  144. Now this is hilarious..not just your post but everyones comments… 🙂

    The Hellion recently posted My Love of Shoes, Documented in Pictures.

  145. A family favorite is inbred booger-eatin’ moron. It works best with a southern accent.

  146. I really love twatwaffle and feel that I don’t use it nearly as frequently as I have occasion to but today I was introduced to douchelord. Now I have to work it into my daily conversation too. sigh Just plain “fuck” will always and forever be my trusty go-to though.

  147. Kevin is not only an assbadger, he is an enemy of the Lemur Nation. recently posted Under the sun.

  148. Whatever happened to flaphassling clamhandler? Carpfaced goat-heckler? Mangy, gout-nosed skunkbaiter? Lamb-trampling assgoiter? &c

  149. Yesterday, my adult son said “That guy is such an enormous douche, he must be heir to the Massengill fortune!” which I must confess made me very proud!
    Personally, I love, for a female, “Sun-dried piece of cunt-jerky” (I got permission to spread that around by the originator) and for males, “douche nozzle.”
    I also agree with many others that douche canoe is a timeless classic!

  150. I’ve got a special saying for my ex husband…. A douche canoe floating down a river of dirty tampons!!!!

                      Jo Whittom
  151. 151

    I’m really enjoying reading these comments out of context. In your head, or aloud for bonus points, preface each one by saying “Donald told Shirley…” then read the comment. Try it with #122 first 🙂

  152. 152

    Douchecopter and sparkle nozzle are still a couple of my favorites. 🙂

  153. My new all-time favorite video…until the next one.

    Personally, I am a huge fan of douche canoe. Although I have been called fuckbag in my life.

  154. My favorites are twat waffle and cum dumpster.

  155. My favorite is “balloon knot.” it is both a) not actually a cuss so you don’t have censor it and b) what an asshole looks like.

  156. 156
    Fawn Stone

    I think my favorite is penis potato. But really that has nothing to do with this. It’s just another way to day dictator. Get it dick tater 😂😂

  157. My current top 10 includes ‘twatwaffle’ and ‘cuntflap’.

  158. 158
    Kim Craigs

    My favorite go-to is “ButtMunch.” It’s useful in so many situations!

  159. I say Dickstick. It’s like dipstick but more offensive.

  160. It’s K-k-k-kevin, c-c-coming to k-k-k-kill me.

  161. i use Twat Pocket

  162. Doug’s (Kevin Nealon in Weeds) “cock juggling thunder cunt” just really flows and always makes me giggle and so does “cum-guzzling gutter slut”
    Then i feel like a bad feminist because they are both pretty awful to women.
    I really love “asshattery” to describe bad behavior and “fucknutter” is a whimsical exclamation.
    There was a news story once that called a man a “subterranean little troll” and that one’s pretty tame but direct.

  163. laughing so hard because I saw the original non-swearing one a few months ago. This makes MUCH more sense!

  164. Moosecock or Cockasaurus are some of my favorite insults. My Scottish partner likes buttnugget…well the word, not actual buttnuggets. That would be wayyyy off.

  165. Stupid fucking piece of shit Kevin. Were you bullied as a kid?

  166. I’ve picked up Assbutt from watching Supernatural. One of my personal favorites is Fucktard.

    Cassie recently posted the day I conquered my anxiety just so I could meet Jenny Lawson.

  167. I’m prone to ‘fuck-nibblet’ myselt.

  168. There’s the ever-green “fuck wad”, used a lot in college during the day.

    Musings, Rants & Scribbles recently posted Confessions of a Band Mom.

  169. I’m still partial to fuck-knuckle.

  170. I vote for “head testicle” a co-workers take on man-buns 🙂

  171. So, why is Kevin being such a hemorrhoid?

  172. I just remember back on Regretsy (RIP), they usually used “term for genitalia” + “breakfast/dessert food”

    Twat waffle
    Cunt cake
    Cock bacon

    Mix and match.

  173. My friends ex husband called her and her friends (me included) cum-guzzling gutter-sluts. So there’s that.

  174. My Air Force roommate was always fond of “fuckstick” as an insult, and it grew on me.

  175. For what it’s worth, my 21 year old cat who never purrs is next to me. When I read “douche canoe” (I read your blog out loud to her so she doesn’t kill me (she hasn’t yet so as far as I know it works)) she purred.

    She purrs when when she hears “douche canoe” AND. NO. OTHER. TIME. (except when she makes me bleed)

    So the 21 year old Mena cat basically says “No, don’t change it fuck you I’ll kill you if you do I’m a tiger and I’ll murder you!” (So sorry, she’s old, cranky, slight crazy, doesn’t do punctuation and at almost 6 pounds believes she’s a tiger.)

  176. I have a recent fondness for “assmunch”.
    Beyond that, I do tend to go back to the classics. “Dipshit” and “Jerk” never get old. Nor do toad and weasel. (Bonus? I can say those last two around my 9yo without wondering if I’m going to be “THAT PARENT” who introduces new vocabulary to the elementary school…)

  177. Oh and Shakespeare? Always useful. Especially when you add cats.

  178. I read them all. My favorites are ‘septic sperm’ and ‘butt stripe.’ My husband calls all arrogant drivers ‘organ donors.’ I read yesterday that people who can swear creatively are highly intelligent. Looks like you and your cohorts are brilliant! Thanks for this one.

    Jules recently posted:

  179. 179

    Of course, Jenny, you put douche canoe in my everyday vocab—but I already used “shitski”. Have no idea how I cam up with it. (pronounced Shit-ski).
    Totally needed this post today. Made me laugh. Not feeling great so this was good.

  180. I’ve always liked, lower than pond scum.I have actually said this to a number of people. Last time I tried to comment, it didn’t work and I lost the whole lemur blog, with all the pictures.

  181. Fucker face is always a nice standby

  182. Terrific webpage you’ve gotten going here.|

  183. I have been using fuck tart it’s short, direct, and can be used for more then just an insult.

  184. I like “cock-swaddled” myself.

  185. 185
    chris nolan

    No-good,gump-faced, baboon-assed bastard.

  186. 186
    Ashley Glandon

    Hi I’m sorry I’m using your add but I’m in jail and looking for a pen pal. Possibly a friend someone to keep me company while I’m here I have no other way to reach out to people! If anyone on here or you know anyone who is lonely please write me. My address is 7210 barrister in Boise Idaho at the ada county jail. If you want to see pictures go to my Facebook under Ashley Glandon. Even if someone needs a dirty letter or phone call I’m down for a sugar daddy too. Thanks everyone. This is serious and I’m not playing g around.

  187. Male horses get cock nuggets. Actually they are called beans and made up of gross stuff that gathers in the sheath but still. They are nuggets next to the cock.

  188. I prefer to really insult people with, goat molesting donkey raper.

  189. 189
    Katherine Smith


  190. 190
    Ashley Glandon

    I really need a pen pal…

  191. […] A fantastically supportive community of Lawsbians was out there too. Maybe we can all vaccinate ourselves against the bad shit if we watch enough hilarious videos of swearing robots. (Jenny always finds the best stuff! This was on her blog last week.) […]

  192. how about cock goggles

  193. Whilst playing MarioKart 8, I recently rediscovered my love for the term “thundercunt”. Give it a try!

  194. hmm…douche yacht?

  195. […] who turn up their noses at a well-made lager because, well, it’s a lager. The phrase “douche canoe“ comes up almost […]

  196. I’ve always been fond of “fucknozzle” myself. And by “always”, I mean since the beginning of 2016, during the Whiskey Inhalation of Friday Night.

    It wasn’t even a dare.

    eye_c_books recently posted From the Beginning.

  197. 197

    Ass Cactus
    Turd ball licker
    Turd burgler (someone that burgles the turds).

  198. Twat waffle is a personal fav

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