I wrote this 10 years ago but it still perfectly expresses how I feel. Mother’s Day is fraught with all sorts of weird emotions and I’m so lucky to still have my mother, who loves me and a daughter I adore. Most people don’t get both and so I feel undeservedly lucky each year these two things happen. I send out love and peace to those who are lucky enough to celebrate with joy, and to those who face the day with bittersweet memories or anger. Or both. Because we’re human and complicated and never quite end up with the perfect greeting card life that we imagine.
Originally published Houston Chronicle ~ May 2006
“Don’t buy me anything for Mother’s Day. Every day is Mother’s Day.” ~A direct quote from Nelda Dusek (my mother)
You wouldn’t know it from looking at me but I have a rare blood disease.
It’s called Antiphospholipid Syndrome and there isn’t a lot known about it other than it can cause blood clots, strokes, and miscarriages. I didn’t even know that I had it.
My husband and I had gone to the doctor expecting to hear our baby’s heartbeat and instead were told that it had died. We were devastated and I didn’t leave my house for a week. When my second loss followed in the next year I demanded that my doctor test me for everything in the books. That’s when I found out I had this strange disease which can worsen during pregnancy and makes carrying to full -term nearly impossible without treatment. My doctor recommended baby aspirin to thin my blood but after a third miscarriage it was clear that I needed something stronger to give me more of a chance. They moved me to a blood-thinner that I had to inject directly into my stomach 1-2 times each day. My stomach became a patchwork quilt of bruises. Six months later the pregnancy test finally turned pink. I upped my dosage of daily injections and made fast friends with other sufferers on the high-risk BabyCenter message boards. I cried with them as they continued to miscarry and felt jealous but hopeful as a lucky few gave birth to little miracles. I watched a best friend go through many rounds of failed fertility treatments and watched her support me even though it must have been torture to see my belly grow bigger every day. I had such severe morning sickness that I was put on a drug typically used for chemo patients. When I was about 7 months along the baby stopped moving and I was terrified. I drank sugary orange juice, listened to loud rap music, desperate to get a response. When she finally moved I was so relieved that I laughed and cried at the same time. During labor I didn’t really mind the pain. I was just so scared that she was going to die that it was all I could concentrate on. The moment I heard Hailey cry in the delivery room was the first time I allowed myself to believe that I might actually be somebody’s mom.
People always tell me that the 500+ shots I had to take to have Hailey will one day make great guilt material and that I should demand rubies every Mother’s Day, but I don’t see it that way. I did all of that for me…so that I could be allowed to be Hailey’s mom, to be the one to kiss her boo-boos, to comfort her when she’s teething, to get woken up at 3am and to see that smile that no one else gets from her but me. Every time I check the BabyCenter message boards I’m reminded that I’m one of the lucky ones.
I’ve realized that my mom was right all along. Every day that I’m allowed to be a mom is Mother’s Day.
*******
And now, the weekly wrap-up:
Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):
Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:
- Things I would wear to my own funeral part 19.
- If you read my last book you’ll understand why this makes me happy.
- Hunter S. Tomcat has 100 toys but this is what he chooses to play with.
This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Renee Charytan’s book called If You Give a Mommy a Glass of Wine. a satirical parody for all the imperfect mothers out there who work hard, try hard and occasionally make mistakes. It’s like If You Give a Mouse a Cookie, but with more booze. And who can’t use more booze? Check it out here.
Goddammit it is dusty in here. Happy Mother’s Day, Jenny!
Did good, Mom… did good 🙂
I remember reading that part of your book and my ‘respect’ (awe and admiration!) for you did a mathematical power jump.
Happy Mother’s Day … tomorrow, and the next day, and the next… and… the… next…
Infinity! (…and beyond!)
That was beautiful and so true.
So beautifully written to explain the pain too many people go through on this day.
Happy Mother’s Day indeed! You are both even more beautiful than you were ten years ago.
(Have to share a somewhat amusing (to me) story – a co-worker’s niece has just competed in the TV show “Masterchef”. The niece’s name is Juanita. If she’d have won, I might have shared the Juanita souffle image with my colleague, but she didn’t win, so I thought the joke might not be appreciated)
That was absolutely beautiful and just what I needed today. My husband and I are struggling with infertility and today has been harder than I thought it would be. Luckily, I’m able to spend the day with my mom but it’s still a little bittersweet. Thank you.
Thank you for this. I’m a new mom and it was hard to get her here. I also had to give myself multiple injections everyday and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But being a mom is worth every moment. Happy Mother’s day.
I have APS also and suffered five miscarriages. It turns out that I’m allergic to the blood thinners that are safe for use in pregnancy so my only option was aspirin. I finally had my son in 2007. Every Mother’s Day I am SO GRATEFUL that I have him. High five to us! And hugs to the women out there who are struggling with APS.
Oh, Hunter. I didn’t know he was a Water Cat. Of course he is.
In another awesome way to wrap up the weekend, did you see Anne Wheaton’s tweets of Wil’s drag queen makeover? Glitter. Everywhere.
Happy Mothers Day, Jenny.
I was not really given a mom like yours. It made me want to be so much more when I became one. Thank you for this, my dear.
EVERY DAY IS MOTHER’S DAY, WORDPRESS, SO STOP FUCKING WITH ME.
ahem
Happy Every Day Jenny, from someone who’s been pregnant 6 times and has 3 beautiful, smart, hilarious children who make this hard life worth living.
There must be onions around somewhere, that’s why my eyes are watering. Yes.
Great post.
If Hayley knows how much she was wanted, that’s a gift to you both. Hope you’re whole family has a lovely day!
This is such a bittersweet, but beautiful story. What a wonderful love story.
Today I learned that a friend’s daughter was diagnosed with Lupus and APS and had just started looking it up. In her case, the situation is pretty severe. She’s lost kidney function and is starting to have problems with her liver, too.
I guess that’s kind of a huge bummer to share with you on Mother’s Day. Sorry. I’m glad you have Hailey and your own mother still. Every day is Mother’s Day indeed.
Beautiful Jenny! And with our kids it never stops being Mother’s Day..I worry about them every single day and they are in their 40’s and one just turned 50 yesterday..but its what we do as Mother’s…and now we know what our Mom’s went through…
Beautiful. Mother’s Day is such a bittersweet day for me. I love my Mom (who’s now 92) more than anyone of earth (sorry, Hubby, but it’s true), but I am always sad today because I never had children of my own. I wrote about that empty place 15 years ago, and only shared it for the first time last year. The link is included below.
Thank you for this. As someone who has battled infertility for years, I’m left physically and emotionally scarred, especially on Mother’s Day. I just had my third miscarriage two weeks ago. I had twins. My first loss was at 15 weeks, a baby boy. Then identical twins at 9 weeks and now again at 10 weeks. And all of this with hundreds of injections, medical intervention, embryologists, constant worry and no answers to why. I try to find comfort in the fact that I’ve loved and created 5 angels. I miss them every day. I’m so happy for you and Hailey. You are an amazing pair 🙂
Happy Mothers Day, Jenny. Thank u for making me laugh.
I also have Antiphospholipid Antibody Syndrome!! My story is almost identical to yours! Happy mother’s day! 💕
!!! I also have Antiphospoholipid Syndrome (mine produces blood clots withOUT being pregnant) and while I don’t have children, I am always amazed to here from other women who go through all the pain and headache of trying to get pregnant with APS. I’m in awe of you! HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!
I also have to admit that I am so happy to know other people that have this illness – I live in the middle of Kansas and most people look at me strangely when I mention it and half of my doctors looks at me like a sneezed when I say it!
Made me bawl like a baby,this did. We also have a three-out-of-four statistics going. My third pregnancy was normal and completely uncomplicated. Pregnancies 1, 2 and 4 ended in three different, but equally unwanted and unexplained ways. Happy mother’s day. We really are the lucky ones
Having tried for two years, and lost a pregnancy before i had my son, I know what a true gift a child is. He’s 17 now, and gave me the most beautiful card. After I threatened to get an air horn to blast him out of bed at 1pm. XXOO
I lost my first pregnancy to a molar pregnancy and spent a year hoping I wouldn’t get cancer. When I was allowed to conceive again and my son was born, it was my happiest moment ever. Happy Mother’s Day!
Thanks for that, Jenny. A week ago we got our official infertility diagnosis and we’re due to start IVF in June. Today sucks really hard. Last year we were in our fifth month of trying on Mother’s Day when my SIL sprouted the gem: “[my name], [other SIL], your should know I’m ready to become an aunt”. I was internally furious, but hopeful that by the next mother’s day I would have a baby or at the very least be pregnant, but I wasn’t even granted that. I can only hope we get there soon.
Thank you for always being so transparent. You’re like that see-through human model that other people can learn from. It’s no wonder Hailey is wise beyond her years, it’s genetic.
You are such a beautiful soul. Thank you for using your gift of communication to say important things like this. Happy Mother’s Day
I’m 32, and this year I had vertigo and did the Epley maneuver while on my mom<S bed and threw up violently all over her bed. So, a mother’s love is unconditional for a long time, because she was sweet as pie about it.
I lost my mom two years ago. This post made me have something in my eye. Maybe it’s pollen from a tree. Maybe it’s a twig. No, I think it’s the whole tree.
I named my blog from a saying of hers 🙂
Thanks so much for writing an eloquent mother’s day blog for EVERYONE. So many of us don’t have mothers, don’t have children or struggle with our existing relationships with our mothers. Today we celebrate all the mommas and our imperfect relationships with them past and present.
This is a hard weekend for me. Three years ago I had a burst ectopic that nearly killed me. Had another miscarriage and then just had to stop because it was so painful from the first surgery and because it was tearing my sweet husband and I apart. I feel glad when I read that others made it through but it’s really hard to be one of the few who have no baby at the end. When you have one, you can talk about it while talking about your baby. When you have none, you are very silenced. I hate this weekend because I should be having it with my 2 1/2 year old 🙁
Hailey is lucky so have such a totally cool, fun, original, hilarious, witty and beautiful mom. Happy Every Day moms!
Motherless and childless here. I appreciate your post. I enjoy watching Hailey grow up via Twitter/Instagram. What a treasure she is to you and your husband.
Thank you for your beautiful message. I also spent many years on similar message boards, dealing with infertility and multiple miscarriage, and I know how much this day can hurt. So I am sending out a Happy Mothers Day to the mothers whose children are no longer living, or who were never born, or who were never conceived. I pray that some of you will get to receive hand-drawn cards from your little ones someday. I remember how much I loved my child-to-be for years before he was born. It is the love that makes you a mother, not the outcome. Happy Mothers Day to everyone.
I’m so happy for you. This post made me cry. Happy Mothers Day, today and every day.
I have factor five mutation, and went through the exact same thing. Knowing something was wrong, having to vehemently demand to be tested, aspirin, injected blood thinners, the whole bit. I was never successful, but I’m so happy you were. Happy every day, lady. Enjoy that girl of yours, furiously : )
Thank you for this. I have two babies, who were both great blessings because I battle PCOS and was never sure I’d be able to conceive…And I am more than thankful every single day to be their mother.
But mother’s day is a reminder that my own mother is largely absent from my life, and almost totally absent from my kids’ lives. It is a very bittersweet day for me, and a huge reminder that makes it seem like almost everyone I know has a wonderful, supportive relationship with their mother that I will never be able to have, for a variety of reasons, and not for lack of trying. I see those posts that say, “Describe your mom in one word!” And I’m tempted to be honest…but I’m not. Good day, but hard day for some of us…something I choose to honestly try not to think about.
That was beautiful.
GAH so many feels!!! Happy Mothers day to you! I know without my kids I wouldn’t be a mother and I’m incredibly grateful that they let me become the one thing I always knew I wanted to be since I was a little girl
Beautiful.
What an incredibly unique and moving mother’s day tribute. Thank you for that!
When I see the bloggess email I usually hit delete cuz it’s another email, right? But sometimes I stop and open it, as happened today. And then I’m reminded of why I kind of like being alive and there’s the beautiful writing that I subscribed to this thing in the first place for, but way more importantly, I find something I actually want to wear to my funeral and so that’s something else to look forward to.
Happy Mother’s Day, today and always!
This story moved me when I read it in your book and again when I read your whole column, I am moved and have shivers but good ones and so happy that you got the baby you were supposed to have.
Thank you for this! It made me feel better about hating Mother’s Day. 14 years ago I went into labor too early and our son died. It’s not something we talk about much, because it’s too hard. I try to be happy for our daughters today, but it’s hard because I know there is this big hole in our hearts.
Thank you for giving a voice to those that struggle. It’s been 14 years, and my husband and I still have nothing to show for it. I’m so very glad you got your precious daughter. I just hope I’m as lucky as you one day. Happy Mother’s Day, today and everyday.
So beautiful. I agree – all of what I do for them is so much for myself.
This is beautiful. Also, I am awestruck that you’ve just given birth and you’re wearing lipstick!!!
You are right – Mother’s Day can be a mixed emotional day. I have a complicated relationship with my mother. She has some issues she deals with & is now undergoing tests to see if she has cancer. I have 1 beautiful child that I struggled through infertility to have, then my ex ran off leaving us alone. I’m so grateful for my child but its bittersweet since I don’t have a good relationship with my mother. Layer on the guilt of potentially losing her…yeah, it’s complicated. Thank you for sharing your story & allowing me to feel the complicated feels.
Damn onions! I am grateful that moms like you exist, Jenny. I can’t begin to tell you how much it means to see your unconditional love and support when you interact with Hailey. You allow her to be the wonderfully creative and magical child she is. My mom’s been gone 10 years now and it warms my heart to see in you and Hailey the type of mother-daughter relationship that I always craved.
I just discovered you…I don’t believe in coincidence so today’s post must have been the reason. Mother’s Day is wrought with so much crap for me that I don’t know where to start or finish. My mum died of lung cancer when I was two years old. My dad raised me. My reasons to finally celebrate this “everyday” holiday began with Molly, surprised us with Michael and then exhausted me with Max….but I was ever so glad to spend each and every day having a blast with those cute, blond kids, all under four years of age. Today my beauty-full first born is 22 years old and my youngest (whose hair has turned a Robert Redford strawberry blonde) is 18 and at least 6’6″! You’ll notice I left out the surprise baby, Michael. Well, gulp, he died at age 17 after fighting for almost six years, of childhood cancer. I now know that there can be greater pain than being a 4th grader and making a flower pot for a non-existent mother. Unrelenting pain is missing a third of your heart. Mending those pieces becomes an every day task that should become easier…but it doesn’t. No mother is equipped with that magic.
To all of you in this who “get it,” please know I pray each and everyday for us. Much love to you all.
JENNY! I HAVE THAT BLOOD DISORDER!!!
I had my son fraught with complications but never miscarried. When I was diagnosed with that same disorder last year after a sever DVT in my lower right leg I was told it is a miracle I had him and never miscarried. My hematologist said women with this disorder usually don’t have children. I did have a high risk pregnancy and did take baby aspirins and did have premature labor for 6 months (those drugs are awful) and I did deliver 4 weeks early but during all that the doctor said it was all related to pregnancy and once baby was here I didn’t have to worry or follow up. Wrong.
For all the times I’ve read your blog and books, I never knew we shared this as well as the stupid RA, anxiety, and depression. WE ARE LIKE DISEASE TWINS!!! 👯
Someone’s cutting onions again… Happy Mother’s Day, Jenny. 🙂
Thank you for so beautifully reminding us of what a blessing it is to have a child–every single day, and for sharing that glorious picture of you and Hailey. I thank God for you, Jenny.
It’s true and I love that you regard every day as Mother’s day, that said, on this ‘Hallmark’ day, I hope you can make the most of it.
Mother’s day is hard on me. I’ve had 3 miscarriages; one late term, two very early. Every one has been difficult. I have PCOS so I knew conceiving would be difficult. And then I had to have an emergency ovary removal. The other one will more than likely have to go before I’m ready to have children.
This mothers day is even harder than usual because my mom has completely shut me out. She’s having a tough day because of my youngest sister and has decided that she doesn’t want to talk to me. She sent my phone call to voice mail. It’s kind of a crappy mothers day.
I remember when I felt privileged to be a Mother and worked so hard to be the best Mom I could be. My kids are 27 & 29 and it’s less a privilege to be their Mother and more a business arrangement. Now, the privilege is theirs; they are the ones privileged to have me as a Mother. :o)
Thank you for acknowledging that this day is painful for so many. Our culture has commercialized this day to the point that you can’t help but be beaten over the head with the “joy” of it all, which makes it that much harder for those who struggle through this day.
Happy Mother’s Day! That was one hell of a ride, but I think you’re both lucky to have gotten each other (you and Halley).
Mother’s Day is a difficult time for those of us who never got the miracle. Motherhood is such a ubiquitous female bonding mechanism and you almost dread meeting new women because one of the first questions is always, “Do you have kids?” I went through lots of testing and was found to have the factor II mutation, but aspirin and heparin didn’t make the slightest difference in pregnancy outcome so I don’t think it was the real problem.
I have two beautiful children, eleven years apart. I have been pregnant six times. the first pregnancy was blissfully uneventful, my daughter is 33 now. my son is the problem beast, I was put on bed rest at 4 months pregnant. I treasure both of them, even when they’re being beasts and won’t return emails/texts/calls.
blessings to all the mothers. of children, those whose children were not born, those who are on “round two” and are raising grandchildren, and those who are blessed with pets who love them dearly.
I too went through infertility, multiple miscarriages and the unthinkable SIDS.
I have a protein S deficiency which is a blood clotting disorder. Throughout my pregnancies, I injected myself with blood thinners, swallowed baby aspirin, and went for monthly blood work. It was a long and terrible journey. And during those years Mother’s Day was a very dark time for me.
My own mother died when I was nine. I did not have her hand to hold when I needed it most. I was mother without a child and a child without a mother.
I’m now blessed with 3 beautiful children. I feel incredibly grateful.
But I need to be honest, sometimes my children frustrate me which makes me feel guilty. I feel like I should know better, have perspective, never get angry. But the problems is that anger doesn’t always understand perspective.
I wish peace, hope and love to everyone on this emotionally charged day.
It takes great courage, commitment and love to be a mother, which you seem to have in spades. The whole nine-month pregnancy followed by childbirth scared me off. But oh, what joy I have missed, too!
I always love your posts.. when you are brutally honest about depression, when you are terribly funny about almost everything else..but today you once again gave me rainbows (crying and laughing through the tears). I also have a genetic clotting ‘defect’ FVL. After 2 losses.. and many injections, I know have two healthy boys… thank you dearest Jenny, for reminding me every day is mothers day
What a strong and beautiful soul you are! You rose above your diagnosis and have years of Mother’s days to prove your own strength. Happy infinite mother’s day to you!
I agree whole heartedly. I have never really seen any meaning in life until i had my children. They gave my life meaning. But…now i worry i have just passed on the problem. May they find joy and meaning. May we all.
Such a beautiful post. I’m so happy for you, all three of you, and the family you’ve made together.
It is wonderful that you have your beautiful daughter and you are right to say that you are lucky that your Mom still loves you. I have two great daughters and a Mother that hates me. I blame her mental illness for that but I blame her for never getting the help she needed. Love your stories…..keep them coming.
Oh, wow. I’m so sorry you have Antiphospholipid Syndrome (how on earth do you pronounce that?)! That’s just terrible. I hope you’ve had a good Mother’s Day.
Given that one of my earliest memories is my mother telling me that I was a mistake and she and my dad hadn’t intended to have kids, at least not then, my relationship with my mother is…complicated, at best. For some reason, that’s hitting me particularly hard today, when it seems like the world is full of happy moms and happy children sharing beautiful, loving, Pinterest-worthy moments. But your post make me glad that there are people in the world with awesome, loving parents who have, themselves, become awesome, loving parents. And I appreciate your recognition that that is not true for all of us. Thanks, Jenny. As usual, you get it.
My only pregnancy was over 10 years ago and ended with a miscarriage. My hubby and I are trying ivf. I am in that awful 2 week waiting period. I am glad you shared your story.
Happy Mothers’ Day to all the moms and to all the non-traditional moms and to all the pet moms and to everyone who struggled to be a mom and to everyone who didn’t get to be a mom and to all the moms that became a mom before they were ready or under difficult circumstances and to all the mom’s that lost their children and to all the people that lost their mom’s and to all the people who didn’t get moms who were able or willing to be there for them the way they would have hoped and also to all of the dads and stepmoms and siblings and other people who play the part of mom every day. Remember, please, that this is a day fraught with emotional pitfalls for so may people, so … you know … just be nice to each other.
Solstice,
Not sure if you’ll see this, but I thought it might help:
http://www.slate.com/articles/life/family/2013/02/abusive_parents_what_do_grown_children_owe_the_mothers_and_fathers_who_made.html
I hope you have the best day that you’re able to have today.
Remember that you’re never alone.
I want to say “Ditto” and “Hear, Hear!” To Barbara’s comment. And I want to hug everyone – except for those who have reason to not want touching & hugs – I’d give them an “air hug”.
And on another note, my husband gave me some very nice flowers today….but what I REALLY wanted was about 3,000 gold fish! You understand. (Me for free hugs and gold fish for every human on Mother’s Day.)
I didn’t mean to be anonymous, but I’m old & not very good at working these things. Gold fish!
I also didn’t mean to post my email!
DOOD!! I have antiphospholipid syndrome too!! high-five ’cause it ain’t easy!
Jenny, I’m so very glad you got to be a mum, and that Hailey has a mum like you, and that we’re privileged to come along for the ride. I just wanted to be sure to start with that, before hijacking your beautiful Mother’s Day post for a public service announcement. I think you’ll forgive me.
Because we in the Bloggess fandom are an inclusive community, I’d like to say to all those for whom Mother’s Day isn’t a happy day, to those for whom it’s a nightmare because of abuse or neglect or other failure: IT’S OKAY. It’s okay to be angry today. It’s okay to want to hide until it’s over because of all the bad memories. It’s okay to want to hide because the bad memories are from yesterday (in which case, please tell someone, there is help). It’s okay to cry, when you see pictures of happy kids giving their perfect mom breakfast in bed and twelve dozen roses because you’ve never experienced anything like that. It’s okay to cry because, despite how much you abhor the idea of mistreating a child, you know it’s too big of a risk to take to have your own family. It’s okay to want to strangle the person who said “Oh, she couldn’t have been that bad” – but don’t do it, because orange isn’t a good colour on anyone. It’s okay if the whole experience of Mother’s Day makes you want to burn down her house or piss on her grave – but again, don’t, because orange.
It’s okay if today is a horrible day for you. It’s not your fault, and there are others out there who understand. And if it’s still going on, please, please, please ask for help.
Happy Mother’s Day, Jenny – every day. I had no trouble bringing two beautiful children into this world but I watched my daughter and her husband struggle for years. There is nothing worse for a parent than not to be able to “fix it” or make it go away. Five years ago this month, they adopted a beautiful baby boy. You thinking parenting is wonderful. Grandparenting, also with its challenges, is definitely Heaven on Earth. And I am grateful every day! I salute all women who struggle so hard to bring new life into this world. You are everyday heroes.
I became a mom 9 years ago because I had fallen in love with an amazing guy who wanted to make a family with me. We went through fertility treatments to have our 2 beautiful daughters. My favorite boy died when they were 1 and 2 1/2. I’m so grateful for my girls but Mother’s Day is hard without him. I look in their eyes and know there will always be a part of him with me. I wish I could thank him for making me a mom!
Thank you, Jenny, for the reminder that “it’s all good” (even the stuff that’s awful) when it comes to being a parent. Every day is Mother’s Day.
As I scrape mystery crud off the floor or wipe hand prints and footprints off the walls until the paint looks shiny, I am reminded me that I am lucky to be a parent. (I use the same reasoning to comfort myself when it comes time to clean up after the pets. Ugh.)
First time commenting. But from this post, wanted to share this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0_5ud4rTpDk
I have a tentative diagnosis of APS (but quite fit the criteria), but was on Lovenox for my pregnancy too. This was after 3 failed IUIs, a round of IVF and a FET that ended in miscarriage and a failed FET. I spent every day of my final pregnancy scared out of my mind that I would lose them and it wasn’t until I got to hold them that I could final breathe. So thank you for sharing. And may every day continue to be Mother’s Day.
That was beautiful and left me in tears. I don’t have APS, but I am currently pregnant for the 5th time with two beautiful girls here on earth and two more gone too soon. I hope and pray this little one doesn’t die before we get to meet him or her.
Wow! Happy mother’s day <3
Barbara (73): Thank you so very much for your kindness. It means more than you could know. This is why I love this tribe so much.
Such a tender reminder for all mothers – the privilege to serve and guide another life. Your photo at the end radiates that love. Happy Mother’s Day!
Very glad your story had a happy ending. Your daughter is very lucky to have a mother who wanted her so much. Happy Mother’s Day!
I didn’t need to cry, but I did. That is your mom’s name? So cool. Just like you. I don’t think you’ve aged a day since you gave birth to Hailey. Happy Mother’s Day to you and all the mothers who read your awesome, heart-warming, and sometimes tear-filled blog. Love to each and every one of you (mothers and non-mothers alike). <3
Wow. A friend just sent me your blog. I have APS. Found out during our fertility struggle. 8 IUIs & 3 IVFs, 4 pregnancies, but 1 son, 6 mos on bed rest, 1 mo in the hospital & hundreds of shots in the ass & the thighs. It took 5 years & I was 41 when our boy finally joined our family. In the end I also had another rare condition that’s 99% fatal for the baby. We got lucky on so many fronts. But it really was a battle against my body all those years. I had the Internet & a wonderful husband, but I still felt so alone. Our son turned six last week & he’s such a miracle to me everyday. I’m so grateful to have been given the chance to be his mama. I know so many aren’t afforded that chance. Thank you for writing this. It took me back to some painful times, but reminded me of all the good that’s come out of it. Happy Mother’s Day.
Thank you Jenny. I admit, I teared up a bit reading yours and other’s stories. It’s wonderful how being open encourages others to open up about their own pain and losses though, we can all stand together and hold one another, even if it is just over the internet.
I was diagnosed with pcos when I was 20, after years of fighting doctors knowing something was horribly wrong. I was told then that I wouldn’t be able to have children without medical intervention and it took a while to sink in. You’re young, kids are nowhere near on your horizon but then one day it just… hit and I cried and i cried and I remember my mother being utterly unsympathetic as she always is.
And then a miracle, I DID get pregnant. I became homeless, my mother told me I was “ruining my life” (great mum right there huh?) and everything was going wrong but despite everyone around me being so negative and telling be “abort, abort, just abort” I wanted that baby more than anything.
And he came 4 weeks earlier than expected, perfect and healthy and everything I could have wished for. He became the light of my life, my very reason for being and some days I look at him and I still 9 years on think “he’s really MINE! and he’s so perfect and beautiful and I can’t believe he’s mine”.
and then when he was 3 we decided we wanted him to have a sibling, and so we started trying naively thinking “it was so easy first time, it’ll happen again” but it didn’t. I miscarried twice and it was heartbreaking, 2 pregnancies lost within 6 months, and no real support or comfort from anyone around me. You feel so alone.
The specialist ran every test, she couldn’t work it out. After 3 failed cycles of clomid and a load of horrible invasive tests and surgeries she told us “your body just doesn’t work right, you aren’t ovulating, you need ivf.” but we couldn’t afford ivf and the heartbreak of spending all those thousands and failing, I knew I couldn’t take that guilt coupled with the hurt. I was already a mess. Everyone around us was announcing pregnancies and I was turning so bitter and resentful. Every specialist appointment I had to sit in a waiting room with the women attending antinatal classes and appointments, heavily pregnant women coming in for inductions or checks. It was just flat out cruel.
We decided to adopt, and hit a brick wall there too. We didn’t quite “meet the criteria”, and it was just so intrusive.
I felt so guilty because on one hand, i’d been blessed once, but on the other, I felt so terrible about my son growing up without any siblings. It felt like I was cheating him, and then I wondered if I was just being selfish and he SHOULD be enough. Oh it’s a conflict of emotions and self loathing, it really is.
and then I got pregnant.
And it was a miracle. Day 42 of a cycle we assumed was anovulatory, as most of them were. day 42, when any egg is supposed to be of crap quality and starting to break down. Against all medical science and all reasoning, here we were with a late egg that was actually thriving.
And it wasn’t an easy pregnancy but it was such a blessing. I nearly died during delivery, but damnit, we did it. We had our sibling, a little brother. A baby we never thought we’d get to meet.
And eldest loved his baby brother so much, just as we knew he would. He doted on that baby, 5 years old and so so delighted by the novelty of this teeny person to look after.
And then a third, quite soon after. I was still traumatized from the last birth, scared out of my mind but the doctors ignored me. I was so sick, I kept getting hospitalized at which point it became pretty clear this would be my last child. My health was just rapidly deteriorating and even after my final miracle child was born I was left with lifelong medical problems as a result. The doctors told me “no more babies” and husband agreed. no more.
Which is sad, because a huge family I always liked the idea of, but three is more than I ever thought i’d get. Every day I am SO blessed and SO lucky to have these children. I went through hell bringing them into the world, but they are what keeps me going. They”ve saved my life over and over again just by existing, reminding me that there is something, someone in the world who loves me, who needs me. Being a mum was all I ever wanted and it breaks my heart that others can’t have that same luck. I remember those days sitting alone in my room bleeding and sobbing because I felt so empty and broken and worthless. And I wish for a day when NO woman has to ever endure that pain. the pain of loss, the pain of failure, the pain of infertility.
But thank you Jenny, for reminding me of how fortunate some of us ARE and to never ever take that for granted. And now I want to go hug my babies and not let them go, because they’re the absolute everything to me, even when they’re being awful.
Thank you.
Okay so we’d be pissed off as all get out if someone stole our children, right? Absofuckinglutely. What about my cat’s mom?! Does she realize that her children are stolen every time she gives birth? Like terrible deja vu except, IT DOES KEEP HAPPENING, IT’S NOT JUST A FEELING! So now fur parents take all the credit for being fur moms when we stole the babies from their REAL parents when they might not want them stolen. Geez. This is giving me for real anxiety. So in addition to typing Happy Mother’s Day to you dear!, also Happy Mother’s Day to The Mistress’s mom and all of the other biological cat moms! We promise we didn’t steal your babies for shits and giggles! We adopted them without your meow consent to give them a good life and companionship.
My son just found he had a blood clot in his vein and the doctors havent found the cause…hes only 34, so I took time off work, and got on a 22 hour flight to be here in Canada with him, and its been a long time since I spent Mothers day with him too.
All I ever wanted was to have a child. I had a hysterectomy at the age of 41, so that seemed to be the end. I did not want to wake up at 52 and think “I should have”, so I looked into international adoption. Most countries have cut-off ages that I was beyond, but China did not. I have the most wonderful daughter and it has been, indeed, the best thing in my life. I get angry when people comment that it was wonderful of me to save a child. I did not save her – she saved me. Happy Mother’s Day to all.
Thank you, Jenny, for sharing such a beautiful post.
What a great story – I’m sorry for all of the pain you experienced, but I know your child makes you so happy to have put in the extra work.
Stop with the cry making, lady. (Hailey is a lovely young lady, and it’s apparent that she got all the best parts of the two of you.)
Beautiful – absolutely beautiful 🙂
Well hell. I wasn’t following you a decade ago so this is the first time I’m seeing this. It’s too bad I can’t re-read it, as I think that allergies, yeah that’s it, allergies, it seems that allergies have made my eyes all watery. <3
I remember reading about this in your book.
Once again, my eyes are leaking.
Thanks for this. Made me cry, but I don’t mind crying for the right reasons. Mother’s Day is fraught for me. I neither ask for or need a fuss. But my birthday, May 8, is always right around the day, if not on it. I like my birthday just fine. I don’t mind getting older. So why the sadness? My mother told me the story of my birth on Mother’s Day eve every birthday, and she was amazing. She is gone, has been since three weeks after my second child was born nearly 9 years ago (that was a tad convoluted). I was lucky she was mine, but now the two days, my birthday and Mother’s Day are tinged, if not soaked, with a melancholy, loss, a void. However, I am also lucky that I have two quirky, clever, stubborn boys who have bits of her awesome sparking in them: best of all, her empathy for others, her sensitivity, and her passion for things, whatever things they might be. They can now follow me around as I followed her around, relaying the intricate details of whatever they are caught up in: Godzilla, Minecraft, the Renaissance…
I had the same problem and lost two babies before 10 weeks. Baby aspirin worked for me, but I was obsessed with my rented doplar and listed to her heart beat all the time until I could actually feel her move. Yes, every day is Mother’s Day, but certainly love the extra attention because otherwise, I would never get breakfast in bed.
That was beautiful. Thanks for sharing. There’s a strong chance I can’t have kids, but who knows. Maybe one day. Happy Mothers Day to you!
I wasn’t PLANNING to skip Mother’s Day online by doing my Digital Detox Weekend this weekend, but that’s how it worked out. I had one miscarriage when I was in a difficult marriage, and the hubby’s relief over the miscarriage was a nice big, red flag. Have never had another pregnancy, so I only get to be a Great Auntie. SOMETIMES it bothers me, but it’s too late now. Also, this year marks ten years without my own Mommy, so Mother’s Day is a great day for me to manage to avoid in Social Media.
I hope that you and all the mothers who read you had a lovely Sunday with loved ones. Mine was just another day, and I’m okay with that.
As an aside Jenny, I just did a guest post over at Cordelia’s Mom and I would be honored if you had the time to drop by for a read https://cordeliasmomstill.com/2016/05/09/good-chemistry-guest-post-by-paul-curran/comment-page-1/#comment-17125 Thank you.
A belated Happy Mothers Day and thanks for the posting. My Mothers Day this year fucking SUCKED: Just had both ovaries removed three days prior, two dead mothers (one step), one son in LA, one son in Mexico, and my husband’s birthday falls on Mothers Day every year or so and he was a WHINY BITCH this year…thank you for making me appreciate what I have – you went through a lot to become a Mom and, as usual, came out the other side with humor and aplomb. Kudos Jenny! xo
Thank you for the tears. 🙂 But really… Thank you for the reminder. I need it, as I have a 3 year old screaming and throwing a fit right behind me. Atleast she’s screaming because she wants my attention. Far too soon she’ll be screaming at me to leave her the (Bleep) alone! It’s hard and sad and wonderful and beautiful. My mom said the most heartbreaking thing in the world is to be a mom. And she’s 100% correct. It breaks my heart everyday. And those little 3 year old hugs put it right back together. <3
I agree that motherhood is a privilege. You went through quite a bit to earn that title. And you have your wonderful Hailey as a daily reminder.
Thank you.
happy mother’s day 🙂
Respect to you Ms. Lawson but I gotta take my hat off to Hailey, that little lady has been beating the odds since she was a resident of your lady garden. Get that girl some lottery tickets..she is a winner
I’m sorry that was such a struggle for you. Your daughter is a cutie-pie you can see where she gets that from 🙂
I was feeling post mother’s day blues and thought I’d hit up your page to make me feel better; was not disappointed.
I’m so glad you got your beautiful daughter. This really touched my heart. Thank you.
Beautiful. I had no idea what you went through to become a mother. What a gift your daughter is to you.
I know exactly where you’re coming from. I had an ectopic pregnancy also and miscarried for the 6 Years. I went through the same bitterness and disappointment and didn’t like myself very much. I thought I was being punished for something and it really did a number on my relationship. We divorced, I met another man and proceeded to have two beautiful children with him. It was just a miracle as far as I was concerned so reading everyone’s story on here brings back those years and the miacles that finally came from them. I sincerely wish the same for any other couple going through this that their miracles will happen also. Everyday is Mother’s Day tome also😍😍
Hope your Mother’s day was great. I know a lot about your illness as it sometimes also happens with. Lupus. I have lupus and sometimes form blood clots but mine form in other areas of my body, last one being my jugular vein!. Take care of yourself! Love your blog and books!
Nice story, but screw that! I want the rubies!
I had the original post bookmarked and read it repeatedly after my first miscarriage in my struggles to get pregnant again. Then I had a beautiful girl and thought everything was going to be fine until she asked for a sister. After this last miscarriage they ran more tests (hooray for doctors who are interested!) and found out I have something similar to what you have, except it’s called something different (I don’t remember) and even though they test me regularly to see if I need to take the shots, thus far they think the baby aspirin is doing the blood thinning trick. Now I’m 13 weeks along with my second little girl. Hopefully I’ll get to keep this one. It’s nice to see the reminder that I’m not in this alone.
Your post and the replies are so beautiful. Cried all the way through. (Good tears.) Happy Mothers Day.
I’m late to the party. But our baby is 86 months in the making (and an adopted embryo, at that!), and I am still doing shots in order to keep it growing in my belly. I have the same fears that you did, and I’m still afraid, but no matter what, it’s kind of amazing. You’re a lucky woman, Jenny Lawson. I hope my baby is as awesome as your Hailey.
Just reading this now ’cause I’ve had such bad writers block that reading blogs has been making me feel shitty. Hoping that makes sense.
Anyway, thank you for this. I was on the same meds for nausea (I think) then spent 3 months in bed (which sounds like fun but utterly sucks) because my cervix is incompetent. Because what you need when you’re in the hospital for a high risk pregnancy is to have part of your body declared “incompetent”.
My husband and I were just saying that everyday is Mother’s/Father’s Day, we don’t feel slighted if we don’t get a glorious day of gifts, cards and dinners. Any day we get to sit back and relax with our kids or have some fun with them is a great day, it doesn’t have to be on a SPECIFIC day, that is a whole lot of expectations for one day. Love this post.
We found on Mother’s Day weekend 2014 that even though I have Severe PCOS and should not be able to conceive that we were 24 weeks pregnant, and then 20 days later …
I was laying on my couch writhing in pain due to what I thought was a dislocated rib, come to find out the next day, it was actually my liver failing. I had been in excruciating pain every night for a week, but I just thought I was supposed to hurt. Pregnancy is supposed to be uncomfortable right?
We were so blessed to have our doctors appointment when we did. We were advised in no uncertain terms that had it been scheduled a day later Neither Mirabelle or I would have survived.
I was rushed from my doctor’s appointment into immediate emergency c-section surgery. Because my platelet count was only 55 I was prepped and sedated under general anesthesia (you have to have a blood transfusion at 50 platelets) and Mirabelle was born less than 30 minutes after my doctor’s appointment began.
It was NOT the birth they show on TV, it was not a wonderful event where all the family and friends are gathered in the waiting room waiting for good news. I was alone, my husband wasn’t allowed in the room due to me being put completely under. I didn’t get to hear my baby cry (although I’m told she did). I didn’t even get to hold her. The Edge of Glory by Lady GaGa was playing in the operating room.
In the moment the doctor and nurses probably all thought I was crazy, on the outside I took it all in stride. This was the hand I was dealt, so these are the cards I’m playing with no need to lose it.
My first memory of my daughter was when they wheeled my hospital bed through the NICU to see her. I couldn’t sit up due to my surgery & I couldn’t see into her incubator, but she did stick her hand in the air and wave at me. I held so tightly to that little hand in my mind!
Mirabelle had made her way into the world 14 weeks before she was supposed to, and only 20 days after we found out she even existed. She was 1 pound 10 ounces.
It took me over a month to cry. There is so much guilt associated with premature birth, and on top of that I was one of those “dumb girls” who didn’t know she was pregnant. So I felt guilty for the lack of prenatal care. I felt my body had failed her and there was so little I could do for her. I cried when she had to be taken off of breast milk due to a close call with NEC. I felt that the only thing I could do to help her had been taken from me. My husband was there to be my rock when I finally let it all wash over me.
She spent 66 long days in the NICU being cared for by the best doctors and nurses I could have asked for. Her primary nurses helped Danny and I try to comprehend exactly what we were dealing with & provide us with some sense of friendship and normalcy in what I hope will have been the hardest time of my life.
Although her birth wasn’t what we are taught to expect, (my in depth study of Lamaze never came into play), I am thankful for it. I wasn’t supposed to even be able to get pregnant! My body succeeded in making a tiny human being, my husband was able to be there for both of us when we needed him, I was STRONG for her, for him, for myself. We survived our NICU journey & my little girl is THRIVING! We are so happy and we realize we have been truly blessed with our own miracle.
All the mommy holidays and her birthday make me look back with joy and terror at what could have been.