Yesterday I saw a girl wearing a shirt that said “HUG THE HATERS” and I was like, “YES, QUEEN. THIS. Hug the haters. Hug them so tight that it’s awkward. Hug them around the neck until they go limp. And then leave quickly before they regain consciousness.
Also, wear gloves so you don’t leave any prints.”
Then Victor pulled me away because he said I was scaring her. And I was like, “Yeah. WITH THE TRUTH.” We agreed to disagree.
*******
And now, the weekly wrap-up:
Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):
- As requested from the last post: God grant me the immutable self-confidence of cats. T-shirt or mug.
Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:
- Best Father’s Day present ever? Or not?
- I can’t tell if this is overpriced but I want it anyway.
- He can be a real asshole sometimes.
This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by adventure travel photographer and blogger Matthew Karsten. He might just have the best job ever, traveling around the world for the past 5 years sharing crazy experiences and useful travel tips from his journeys. Like road trips in Iceland. Mayan ruins in Mexico. Or hiking in Costa Rica. Jealous? So am I. Don’t worry, you can live vicariously through his fantastic photos, stories, and videos on ExpertVagabond.com
Preeeeeetty sure imma hafta have that shirt.
I had a cat that would hug me like that. I never knew if she was going for a wind choke or a blood choke.
Yes! Yes it IS the best Father’s Day present ever! And Hug the haters who disagree until they pass out.
Would rather hug a rabid wolverine than Donald Trump.
Finally found a copy of your latest book in out-in-the-boonies. Love. Love. Love. LOVE. Well done.
That is so cool that you mention that because I was telling my friend the other day how a year battling breast cancer has made me feel so much more compassionate and forgiving. I think in the past I may have even been a part time hater. I held grudges FOREVER.
If you hug the hatters it makes them mad.
Here’s my fav:
May those who love us love us.
And those that don’t love us,
May God turn their hearts.
And if He doesn’t turn their hearts,
May he turn their ankles,
So we’ll know them by their limping.
I love you more than a little for this
I’d hug the haters but my boss won’t let me anymore. HE says I’m getting hugs and choke holds confused and it’s bad for business. (You give one over enthusiastic hug and suddenly everyone acts all weird around you.)
As I always say “Nice ’em to death!”.
Ha! Now, that’s a hug.
ohhhh I had this kind of an experience in texas recently! Someone came over to me randomly in the street to compliment my bag that says “Girls just wanna have FUNdamental human rights”.
I was in town for a conference, so I was in my “speak to strangers” mode and I totally alarmed the poor girl with a rant about how great it is and how people often have the wrong idea of feminism and why can’t we all just get along.
She quietly said “I just want to snapchat it…” before backing away from the overenthusiastic Shelly.
I just figured out why a former colleague of mine used to hug me all the time. Probably her you saw.
My 1.5yo hugs around the neck like he’s trying to hug you into submission. He is aggressively loving… I think!
I’m just totally excited that The Bloggers said, “Yes, Queen!” My 19 -year-old daughter rolls her eyes when I say it.
Ugh! I hate my phone! BLOGGESS
True love. Hug until they go limp lol 😃😃😆😜
snorfle Love this.
And you could, I guess, always start with nice hug and move on to the throat hug if necessary after that…
If only I didn’t have a “no graphics” policy because my underboob awkwardly eats just enough to ruin the joke.
I just ordered the “Immutable self-confidence of cats” travel mug so I can keep cold water on my desk at work and make a zen point at the same time. Sort of.
I’m not good at hugging. Could I perhaps nod politely to the haters?
I will hug but I won’t mean it.
I think it’s good you have Victor around for a consistently different perspective … and to keep you from scaring people.
Ferris Mewler is just a bit Greta Garbo-ish. He vants to be alone:).
My brother owns that wallet…it’s at the very least a great conversation piece!
Dang. I was kind of hoping the AT-ST walker was an actual walker, like for people who can’t walk well on their own. Because I want to grow older in style.
Great T-shirt. I learned long ago that being incredibly nice to mean, nasty people makes me feel good and confuses the hell out of them. It’s a win-win.
I’ve always let my haters be my motivators but maybe I should be …their asphyxiators. Thanks for the inspiration, Jenny.
Dear Jenny, First, I’m late to the party, which I never want to because people will look at me. It’s not I think they have lasers in their eyes or anything, but I do not like being the center of attention in that way. I feel so freaking awkward and exposed and anxious, and thus I hate being late (if I show up at all which isn’t likely). Oh, wait, where was I? Me and my rabbit trails, damn it. I was trying to offer an explanation why I haven’t written you sooner. It was Karma or fate or my occasional luck that finally introduced me to you. Here’s the backstory: Queue a John Hughes soundtrack here. I had picked up Furiously Happy on a few occasions. I adored the cover and title but didn’t think it was the right time for me to dive into the world of mental illness. As someone who struggles with depression and anxiety, I try to moderate my intake of mental health memoirs. So, what I’m saying here is, it was me and not you. <<< TRUE STATEMENT Recently, I've spent too much time in the dark corner, hiding from people and life. I knew I needed to return to therapy, take care of myself, and confront this shit. Here's the part where you come in. A friend and I were in my favorite local bookshop and there you were on a shelf. I'm adding the dramatic flair here. I don't remember buying your book, I just did. Two days. It took me that long, only because I had to stop to laugh or cry or think about a memory that your words had triggered. No wonder you're so fucking popular. I realize some people need to share their experience from within a dark place. I just happen to think that humor – the warped, twisted kind – has its place, too. Your writing is sharp, brilliant, and blood raw honest; it resonated with me quickly. Your description of anxiety is spot on for me. I hide from people who are IN MY HOUSE. So, if you visit me expect for me to take bathroom breaks or unexpected phone calls. Anyway, after I finished the book I sought therapy. During the first session, I explained my motivation for getting help was a book. An extraordinary book. Thank you for having the courage to share your funny as hell, stripped to the bone, and inspiring me to take care of myself story. Sincerely, Kimberly Cooper Smith (Proud Pet Mom and Bullmastiff Foster Parent)
PS – If you do visit my home, I will make sure you have plenty of coffee while I take my breaks.
OMG. COPERNICUS THE TAXIDERMIED MONKEY! He’d be so into that. “A hug is like a strangle you haven’t finished yet.”
I’m dying.
Anybody else remember Copernicus? http://thebloggess.com/2011/07/27/would-you-like-to-buy-a-monkey/
Kinda wish I gotten my dad that.
Instead I gave him a flying fuck. Literally. Its an rc helicopter that’s just the word “fuck” flying around.
At least no one can say I give no fucks now.
takes notes “Wear…gloves…” Got it! 😀
Love the AT-ST (and I don’t think you can put a price on happiness, actually). But this is what I want – a velociraptor costume – about $5000 http://www.alibaba.com/product-detail/HLT-Walking-life-size-velociraptor-costume_60148804743.html?spm=a2700.7735675.30.1.7kjX1u&s=p. I’m seriously thinking of saving up for this item. Who needs a retirement fund anyway?
This is why some students keep trying to hug me. Bluurrrggg
Haters usually hate themselves more than anything else, so they probably need hugs.
The wallet AND the other item are overpriced, but the second item is less overpriced. Not that anyone asked…
Leonbergers, the giant dogs that are irresistible to kids, deal with kids by licking them. When they’ve had enough of mangling by the kids they just lick them until the kids go away. The other thing they do is lean into them. Hilarious. So the kids go away still loving the Leonbergers.
I need to buy that mug for myself, for everyone I know, and also for my cat. IT’S AWESOME.
That mug is simultaneously disturbing and delightful, which, I guess, makes sense, considering that this is YOUR blog, which, if I may say, is also simultaneously disturbing and delightful.
Now, onto the real question: What does one drink in a mug featuring a cat’s anus? Clearly, something brown, right? Or does your cat have some sort of disease that would require us to drink something red? Or worse, green?
I hope I can be allowed to disagree with someone without being called a hater.
Also, haters have knives.
stabby stabby
In a similar vein, my tweet from a little bit ago… Keep your friends close… https://twitter.com/JonLehre/status/735138511259504641
Hahaha “Hug the Haters!” I need that shirt like two days ago!!
Love it..they won’t know WTH to do if you hug them…
Well, that went from positive to positive murder pretty quickly.
Halvsies on the AT-ST!?!?
Ha! Solid strategy.
I can’t find one and I’m sad…
I’m gonna paraphrase a bit from a graduation speech by Nobel Prize laureate Joseph Brodsky: if someone slaps you turn the other cheek. Let ’em slap that one too. Then let ’em slap the first one again. Let ’em keep on slapping until they get exhausted and look stupid because slapping is all they know how to do.
Once upon a time that seemed very wise to me, but “Hug the haters” is so much better. When you hug them you pin their arms down so they can’t slap you.
I almost didn’t read this post because I thought you’d gone all “warm and fuzzy.” Should’ve known better. Good post!
Two kinds of haters: those who deserve a hug because they just aren’t feeling loved enough, and those who need a really super tight hug around the neck because damn y’all, some people just hate.
I saw the headline on Twitter and thought “Throat hug, maybe. But let us see how the more evolved folk think.” Then I clicked the link and discovered that I am evolved.
We may hug the haters, but of course they hate the huggers. I think that brings us out even in the end.
Seriously. The hugging would improve things.
I had to look up “yes, queen”…funny
Could we substitute “hug” with “pistol whip”? If so, I’m on board! I don’t like a lot of unnecessary personal contact, so I’ve come up with another option. I’m a problem solver.
Your reaction is hilarious. Thanks for sharing. 😂
I have TOTALLY done that!!!!!!! LITERALLY. there is this super grumpy mean hateful person who is (only peripherally now, thank god) in my life, and occasionally I run into her. EVERY time, she tries to snub me by looking away, trying to pretend she doesn’t see me. So one time I just went right up to her and gave her a big ole hug, and told her how great she looked, and told her how good it was to see her. In front of her snooty friends. I’m pretty sure she was mortified. It was awesome.
These people are not worth your time. An asshole will always be an asshole.
Except I just pictured doing that to Donald Trump. Ick.
That is awesome and so true, yes must always remember not to leave fingerprints
I really, really, really want to know why the wallet is, apparently, a light box. According to Amazon.
I don’t want to even touch hateful persons, much less a hug….might rub off-would have hater cooties.
What a beautiful dream! I love your drawings. Pretty please make a coloring book?
I was assuming you were saying those things in your head, not out loud to the wearer. Good thing you mentioned Victor’s contribution to the convo, which of course, as always, was to “agree to disagree”. 😉
The Engineer’s Guide to Cats calls this, “Corporal Cuddling”. It works.