One of those nights.

in depression lies

I’m having one of those nights where – against all logic – I find myself feeling small.  Not a good small, like “Aren’t you adorable? I want to put you in my pocket” but that insignificant, unimportant sort of small.  The kind that makes you feel like you’re just dust that could spin out into space, or that the night is so dark that you’ll never be found or remembered.  The kind that makes every personal failing magnified to the point it’s physically painful.  I don’t know where these nights come from but I suspect they come to us all…making us doubt that we exist, that we matter, that we will ever get our shit together.

Maybe some people don’t have nights like these.  Maybe I just say to myself that it’s normal because if it’s not then that niggling sense of failure and fear that floods over me is based on reality.  I know it’s not.  Logically, I know it, but logic doesn’t work well on nights like this.  I go through my mind and count the facts and try to discount the fear and panic.  I fail.  I am small.  But I also succeed sometimes too.  I am important.  I am insignificant.  I am a speck of dust.  I am necessary.  They’re all true.

But on nights like these I push back in the dark and tell myself that tomorrow the sun will shine and this night will be past.  I will have beaten the darkness that seeps into my heart when things shift and rifts appear.  I will have beaten it simply by existing long enough to find the sun again.

I am small.  But if that’s true then so, too, are my fears and doubts.    They seem so large, but they live in me so they can’t be bigger than I am.  I will win.  By sheer volume.  And I’ll keep repeating that to myself until I finally believe it, or until the morning comes.  Whichever comes first.

466 thoughts on “One of those nights.”

Read comments below or add one.

  9. I’m having one of those nights too – only it’s been all day. All day I’ve been thinking what a stupid, unimportant life I have. Hoping tomorrow is better…for both of us.

  12. Horton Heard the tiny Who’s on his speck of dust on his flower. We hear you.

  13. The stars seem small when we look at the night sky. You are beautifully and wonderfully small. And huge. And a part of the whole. And individually magnificent.

  16. If you need any sign that you are important, search for #wheresrory. He has helped me so much with anxiety issues, and that is because of you. You are amazing and wonderful. He’s helping me through a conference right now!

  17. I just had almost this exact conversation with my husband. Thank you for the words that I can say this.. This.

  18. Hugs. I’ve been there more times than I care to think about. My dogs help me get through it, because id I cease yo be, there’s no one for them. Know you’re an inspiration for us like you. Thank you. You matter big time.

  19. Keeping you in my thoughts. Hug Hailey and know that to millions, you are very large and a wonderful symbol of what can be.

  21. Reading Let’s Pretend This Never Happened helped me through one of the suicidal points in my life. Your words made it easier to wade through all the shit, because you were talking about how you’ve been there and gotten through it time and time again. You may be small tonight, but your impact on my life will always be important. Even if I don’t have a giant fucking chicken yet.

  23. Hang in there, love. You have the huge gift of word dancing, which will spin your small bits right out into the cosmos as stars. Thanks for the light you provide.

  25. Perhaps you could do an image seatch for teacup puppies, so you can see that if something that tiny can make you want to squeeze it until it yelps, that you must be that wonderful to someone (like to the thousands of people who you’ve never met, but who love you, unconditionally).

  26. Wishing you a short night and a bright sunshiny day tomorrow. Hoping the darkness fades quickly. It does happen to all of us.

  29. You are NOT small. You make many, many people laugh, and that is a VERY important thing in this world. We need you.

  30. You may be just one otter in the Great Cosmic Ocean but…if you’ve noticed, otters hold hands whilst they’re drifting along and I sortve imagine all of us lone otters being one ginormous floatilla of otters, even if sometimes it’s too dark to see the rest of the group.

  31. Jenny, you are beautiful. You are special. You are necessary. This night will pass. Depression lies. Don’t listen to your brain when it’s being a jerk. Most of all, please remember that you are loved. {{{internet hugs}}}

  33. Yes. This. I’ve had more of these nights than I’ve ever admitted. All I’ve ever been able to do is hold on and hope it passes. So far, at almost 60 years old, it always has. It will for you.

  34. Well said! And the fact that these words will find someone else in the dark and make them hold on for the sunshine proves how non-small you really are!!

  35. You might be small but you are mighty. You are part of all of us and together we are larger than we could have ever imagined.

  36. I am small tonight too. And tired. Tired in my heart. You are significant.

  37. Do you feel brave? Do you feel powerful? Because sharing yourself makes others feel less alone. Putting yourself out there. That’s powerful. I see you.

  38. Oh, god, me too, Jenny. Me, too. I’m sitting here thinking that I probably took a wrong turn, and now I’m in my 40s and how many opportunities do I have left really?

    I know these thoughts are wrong, tons of people do tons of amazing things in the last half of their lives, I have a kick ass spouse.

    And yet here I am. And here you are.

    WE ARE NOT SMALL. We’re not. I know for sure at least that you’re not.

    I’m going to write haiku and take photos of my feet and be really glad that that one naked photo of me that made it onto the internet without my permission seems to have disappeared 🙂

  39. There’s any number of people who read your books who would tell you that you are neither small or insignificant. You may not know it but you have touched many many lives in a very positive way. 🙂

  40. So much love, and we are all bigger on the inside, because we don’t keep only our hearts but parts of every heartime we encounter, so we basically steal others hearts just to make pillow forts in our own for nights like this. zenith hugs

  41. This was my whole weekend. I had wrist surgery last week and was feeling crappy on top of being in pain. My poor overwhelmed husband did everything this weekend, including bringing me dinner in bed and cut up my meat. He was a miracle and I feel like a burden and weight ariund his neck on days like these.

  42. I’m so sorry that you feel this too. I do think it’s extremely common, particularly with those of us who struggle with depression, and/or anxiety. I find that something that helps me a ton on nights like these is to wrote out a list of Things That Don’t Suck (inspired by the lovely and somewhat famous Andrea Gibson). Your mileage may vary, of course. In any case, I’m sending love and kindness your direction tonight.

  43. I have so many nights like this. I’m not sure how I manage to get through them, but I do. I’m glad I’m not alone.

  44. You are so big. In heart, support, and joy giving. Look into the eyes of your family, pets and friends. Then look at the comments you get here and on Facebook. You are huge. You save people by sharibg all the parts of you. I’m having the same type of night. For the 500th night this year. I’m a speck of light in your darkness, as are all of the members of the blogess nation.

  45. I have those moments too. Oddly watching Ant-man seems to help sometimes. I may be small, but at least I can’t be run over by a Thomas the Train toy. (Also I am bigger than an atom and since atoms matter, so must I.)

  46. It is not just you. Rail against the night! You are fierce, you are talented and you are one fantastic mom. Please view your Instagram posts for proof and enjoyment. We all love you.

  48. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. For what it’s worth, you are larger than life to me and many, many others. We’ll be strong for you until you feel life size again.

  49. Keep passing the open windows. And know that so many of us are out here in the dark feeling our way toward the dawn, as well. A whole parade of searchers. Picture us like glow worms, swarming through the forest.

  50. I love you guys so much. Your comments are making me doing the ugly cry and the cats are staring at me like I’m insane and I’m so damn grateful to have you. Thank you for having my back even when I’m not sure who I am. You don’t know how much of a difference you make.

  51. So much love, and we are all bigger on the inside, because we don’t keep only our hearts but parts of every heartime we encounter, so we basically steal others hearts just to make pillow forts in our own for nights like this. zen hugs

  52. You may be small, but in a bigger sort of way than many of the rest of us will ever be. Thank you for giving voice so eloquently to the fears that so many live with every day. You at necessary, you are loved, and your contribution to humanity is larger than you will ever understand in this lifetime. Sending you strength until the light.

  54. You are small but you are mighty. You are a part of all of us and together we are larger than we could ever imagine.

  55. We might all be alone… but even in that we are together and it has to mean something. In my case, it means l need chocolate. Copious amounts of it.

  58. I Was small and mad and sad all day. Tears ready to come flowing, for no apparent reason. U are not alone and when u share with us, we know we aren’t alone either. Yhank u and take care. Hug some taxedermy tonight!

  59. We are your light in the darkness…..from small things comes much love and laughter…..hang in there…..

  61. I felt like this last night. On the roof. As I noticed the sliver of moon, in all its smallness, in a quickly disappearing and all-too-beautiful-for-words sunset sky.

    It takes a minute to get your eyes clear enough after considering your own smallness to balance your way to the ladder just to climb down.

    I was up there murdering wasps, BTW.

  62. Maybe you are supposed to be this small tonight so the depression can’t find you and you’ll come out in the sun tomorrow. No matter how small, we see you, always.

  63. “I will win. By sheer volume.” What a beautiful way of putting it, and it is so true. Thank you for being honest and saying what some of us wish we had the words to say. You are never alone, Jenny Lawson. You have a tribe of people who love you and want to support you. We’re here if you need us.

  64. Me too, I needed to know that someone else has these nights tonight. Thank you.

  65. Those nights come so often for me that the nights they don’t seem so abnormal as to seem surreal. But I try to out-talk that horrible little heart-ravening voice that tells me what an abject failure as a human being I am. Bless you for being brave enough to open your heart and speaking our truth.

  66. I think the people who do the most good, who give the most kindness often end up feeling small like this. Maybe it’s because we give a little too much away? Or maybe the act of giving depletes our energy too much to fight off the lyingliar voices when they try to convince you that you’re small. They like you that way. It makes you more of a morsel to fit into their lyingliar mouths. So small, but still full of hope and love and dreams and kindness. You’re almost too sweet at first lick, but the lyingliars love it. …That went off in a way I didn’t expect. I’ve already taken the ambien that helps quiet my mind enough to sleep. I don’t have the same struggles as you, but I know this: We are both stronger than we would ever dare believe. (Bravery doesn’t mean you have no fear, it means you act in spite of your fear.) And even when we feel small, they can’t take that away. Acting in spite of the smallness is also brave. And it’s love. And it’s the way to hold onto you. Maybe you’re a little more concentrated right now, but you’re still you. And the stranger typing this note is a better person in so many ways because of words you have written. That’s no small thing. No small thing at all.

  68. Just so you know, you have brought happiness and laughter to my life. That is a fact, and that is an important thing, to make people laugh and give them joy. You are important to us, even when you don’t feel important yourself. Sending you love and hope!

  69. I’ve been living one of those lives this year. It is including several meds and electroconvulsive therapy to try to get through it. You most certainly aren’t alone.

  70. You could never be small even if you truly tried. You’ve touched so many… I can’t even begin to say how much. Just this past week I gave a friend your audio books and she stopped by to say that after her long insufferable day at two jobs, when she wanted to scream, instead she turned your audio book on, breathed a deep sigh of relief, relaxed and in no time found herself laughing. You’ve saved us so many times. Again, you are the sun that opens our eyes after terrifying darkness, not a small feat in the least. Niki =^.^=

  71. Jenny… 🙁 I’m scared to reply because I’m scared to say the wrong thing. But near the end of your post I found myself seeing you saying what I thought too.

    You may be small. I am small. All w’all are small (not y’all, but we’all). We ARE small, but that doesn’t mean we don’t matter. The thing that’s funny about this is the idea that we have to be big to matter. Why does only big matter? (I had read a post about that recently but can’t find it, and because I’m chasing the two damn foster cats back into their floofdom for the night, I need to stop searching!)

    But in general, I wonder why we feel that big is better than small. I’m not saying you’re small, because you have touched my life and so many other lives that you haven’t personally met. But what if you hadn’t? Would that mean you didn’t matter? I don’t think so. You would matter just as much if you hadn’t touched me as if you had (which you have). Your matterness is not a function of me. It’s a function of you, who matter just because you’re you. You matter. You might be small, but like the lady says, we all have the same number of hours in each week. No one has more hours. We’re all the same amount of human.

  73. Night magnifies the fears, the guilt and the negativity. I just wrote about how most negative thoughts are on a loop and occupy most of our time. Glad you talked yourself through it. 🙂

  77. Same, I’m feeling exactly the same. I just let myself feel it, in a safe place. I think having a space where you can just be in it is really important. Lots of love x

  78. The worries and fears of the night. Even though I know the morning will bring a new day . . . the night is long. We all matter.

  79. The fail nights, ugly nights are not my favorite. I can’t always argue with that voice sometimes the best I can do is try and shut it by snuggling with my cat or dog. Hold on to some one I believe in’s belief I me.

  81. You are not alone. This happens to me more than I’d care to admit, and you are stronger than it. You’ve proved that many times over already.

  82. You are not alone. Believe it or not – we are all in this together. One of the ways you know that is to read our comments. I bet a lot of us will write to you, because we often feel the same way. Pushing back against the panic and fear means reaching out, sometimes. And sometimes it’s all about shutting yourself in a room by yourself, with your cats and dogs by your side.
    I spent all day throwing up and sleeping, and basically being really, really sick. I’m coming out of it, and reading your post is the first thing I saw when coming back to reality that doesn’t involve crying into a toilet bowl, retching. And although it’s a sad post in some ways, it’s also a good one, because I know that I am not alone, either.
    Gonna grab my dog now and pet her. That always helps, too.
    Hang in there, dear one.

  85. I actually don’t have those nights. I have those days. When the sun is up and everybody is out living their lives, things are happening. I feel left out. Then night falls and the stars come out and I can see the whole universe. Suddenly, I’m one unit of human, same as everybody else. If nothing else, I share the same moon as everybody. I have a connection.

  88. In the worst dream I ever had, nothing was happening and all I could see was beige. It was right in front of my face, like fog. No lights, no shadows, no beings. I woke up and for a split second of eternity, I had no memories, no self. Then I remembered I had a cat. And that made me real. Little things.

  90. I’m having one too. Physically I’m feeling small and miserable, (sick), mentally I’m there as well. I did it to myself tonight though. I’m writing down some more stories and memories of things that happened when I was a child. It’s hurting me, but it’s helping/healing me too. (Maybe?) I want people to understand why I’m the way I am sometimes. My husband knows, but doesn’t understand. I want others to know too. Depression does lie. It’s also a fucking bitch.

  92. Those moments suck. BTDTGTTS (been there, done that, got the t-shirt), but since timing is sorta everything and there’s no such thing as coincidences, I’ll share a thing that a friend posted earlier tonight (I’m typing it out b/c it’s one of those infographic meme-y things)

    “I myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.” –Augusten Burroughs.

    Now I dunno about that dude, but apparently he wrote a book n stuff…it got popular. So you two have that in common. 🙂

    You’ve got this, girl. <3 <3 <3

  94. {{hugs}} Jenny! Thank you for sharing; please know that you help the rest of us believe that depression lies every time you share how you feel. Love you!

  95. I just want you to know that you a huge presence in my life, and others. I look forward to task your blog and I listen to both your books on audible. I love the way you narrated them. Can’t wait for the 3rd book.

  96. I have them. The fear that my life will be less than what I want. that I am a burden to those I love. That nothing I’ve worked, struggled, and sacrificed for will come to pass and all that work was a waste. It’s why I stay up all night and binge watch tv. It’s why I surf for recipes, and read old comforting books. But then I see your tweets and your amazing photos and how you face much more debilitating fears than I have and it gets better. I see friends on FB who make me laugh. Peers in my field who have never met me, but offer help with resumes and cover letters and wish me luck for job interviews. So yeah it gets better. We’re all small. Then I remember A.A. Milne and Pooh Bear. “Sometimes,” said Pooh, “the smallest things take up the most room in your heart.”

  97. Do not foget, your track record for getting through these nights is 100%!
    Even from a dark night, songs of beauty can be born – Mary Anne Radmacher
    Sing, Jenny, sing loud!

  98. My whole year has been like that. In dark times, your words encourage me, keep me going. You are an amazing success and I hope to achieve a fraction of what you’ve done. Thank you for everything.

  105. Your honesty and strength never fail to amaze me. Know that you matter, that someone cares, and that the impact you have on my tiny, insignificant life is huge. May the morning come soon!

  106. I too am having a night like yours. Devastating news that has rocked me to the core and makes me not want to be dead per set but to stop this carnival ride for a little bit. To rest. To find some peace, if only for a bit. My heart is battered and bruised and I’m so tired, Jenny.

    (Breathe. Sleep. You’ll get through this. I’m sending you love and light and thoughts of peace. ~ Jenny)

  107. I give up on sleep on nights like those and do little things that give me comfort or are a distraction. Usually watch a favorite movie even if I can’t concentrate. Have a cup of tea in a beautiful cup or warm milk. Soak my feet in bath salts or take a bath. Give myself a manicure. Anything to slow the thoughts that keep repeating until dawn. And then I sleep. And to hell with those who think I should be up and productive. I was working on survival all night.

  108. Yeah, morning will come. Even when you feel like you’re so far down the well thet that asshole Timmy is laughing at you from above, and so is Lassie from even further up there, a sliver of light will make it down there. Hang in there.

  109. Hug. You are not alone, and not small…you’re the first person to ever make me laugh about having a mental health disorder, and that is big to me xo

  111. “Every day is a good day;
    some are just better than others.”
    -theunquiet1

  112. Big love, Jenny. Your words have had a huge impact on so many of us. Thank you for being you. Hank you for speaking up, so the rest of us can find a kindred spirit and say “Me too” and give each other a reason to keep going. When I get stuck, I sing Breathe Me by Sia to myself: http://youtu.be/zF2_VqzyzWw

  114. At nearly 8 months pregnant with so much family drama going on lately that it just amplifies everything, I get it. Most nights end in tears and sobbing into the pillow trying to figure out what the hell is going on with my life. The only thing I can keep in sight is having a healthy child and even some days I question the validity of that.

    Here’s to the darkness ending with the dawn. It has to get better. It really really has to get fucking better. Dammit.

  115. Thank you so much for this tonight. I have been feeling very small lately, mostly because of things taking place at work, but also some family-stuff. Thank you thank you thank you. Morning will come.

  116. You are not small. You have written two books loved and read by many, many people (myself included). You put into beautiful words how you feel and it helps not only yourself, but so many others. I am small. I have done nothing. Yeah, it’s one of those nights.

  117. You are bigger than you feel. Right now, I’m tearing at my scalp feeling not so freakish because you were brave enough to share your struggles. Thank you.

  118. I just love you. You’ve helped so many so hopefully we can help you now. Depression lies. You are a giant hero to me.

  119. RIght there with you. Panic is creeping in (PTSD/MST), anxiety, depression. I am holding things together with a very fine thread.

  120. I understand how you feel – been there many times myself. Imagine what you would say to your daughter if she told you she felt small – then pay those sentiments forwards to yourself with the same compassion and love you would show her. As yes, as moms, we are not small – we have a huge impact – for good or for bad – sometimes this is overwhelming because of the responsibility but it means we matter. We all have people who need us. Sending hugs.

  121. That you can write and draw and communicate in these moments is inspiring. I am still, years into my battles with these unnamed demons, usually only able to cower in the dark. I think you are amazing.

  122. I have 2 kids, ages 12 & 16. They got lucky and received my genes, including the depression, OCD, ADD, anxiety and probably lots of other wonderful things. I just finished Furiously Happy (after many attempts this year), and in the middle of the “Interview” with Victor, my 12 year old started texting me in a full blown panic attack. I sent her a screen shot of page 132.
    She said she’s insignificant and she can’t do anything right; she’s not worth anything. She’s an amazing artist. When she draws happy people, her brain says “Why are you lying to everyone, trying to tell them you’re happy?” and then she goes into a tailspin.
    My biggest achievement in raising my 2 kids is that they are able to talk about their struggles with their own mental health in the same way that you do. It has literally saved lives.
    You are saving lives, Jenny. That’s pretty damn big.
    So when you “come back” and are able to match up your brain and emotions with logic, remember that.

  123. I woke up feeling like that and have been fighting to get off the couch or out of bed all day. I’ve moved from one spot to the other. Really getting nothing done but making myself feel like a lousy wife, mom and housekeeper. I never seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

  124. You are one of my heroes! I have 4 1/2 I look up to. Mr. Rick Grimes, my cat, is the 1/2 because I admire him being an asshole and not give a damn who he pisses off during one of his psycho episodes. During my own bad nights, though, he will saunter on downstairs, invade my personal space, and be like “bitch, I will lick your ear and hair and you will like it!” Happy thoughts.

  125. I am too and it’s extra hard when they happen on a Sunday because I know the next morning I have to go in and deal with a boss that hates me. I hope you feel bigger in the morning.

  126. I truly believe that we’ve all been to this place, but some of us go there far too often. It’s exhausting waiting for morning. I love you, Jenny – we all do, and we’re all so glad that you are able to put into words moments like these. It helps us to not feel so alone on the fucked up, nightmarish playground that our mind’s can be. <3

  127. “Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life – well, valuable, but small – and sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven’t been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn’t it be the other way around? I don’t really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void.”
    This is one of my favorite quotes from a movie….it may be small, but it still has huge value, and the ‘dear void’ is always there, and just waking up and surviving…to some of us, that IS being brave.

  128. Nights are worse for me too – especially Sunday nights. It doesn’t matter what I’ve accomplished, sometimes it all seems pointless and I feel like nothing, but I usually feel better in the morning. You are one of the few people who inspire me to keep fighting my anxiety and depression because of all that you have accomplished and all that you continue to do in spite of your depression and anxiety, so thank you for that. I hope tomorrow is better for you. <3

  129. I’m having one of those nights too. I think it kicked in because I started watching “Chopped”.

    I used to draw a lot, and I would use that to express my love and emotions, but I was in a funk so long it put me out of practice, and gaining everything back is a slow and frustrating experience.

    But with cooking I feel like I’m naturally good at it, like my pallet is spot on once I’ve tasted and ingredient. So I figured that could be my love language in the meantime. But someone said something along the lines of them not liking what I make. And even though they’ve said repeatedly that they just said it to hurt me during a heated argument, not everyone understands that what you say to someone could hang aroundd residually. I think I’m a good cook. But I found myself thinking it doesn’t after because of what someone said. So why should I bother watching food network?

    So we’ve got to know that our brain lies, And that can be hard to overcome. I hope everyone that is feeling down finds a way to overcome it soon. And that so many people must love you.

  130. Last time I felt small like that, I watched you and Will Wheaton talk about depression on YouTube. I still felt like a waste of space but I didn’t feel alone in that space. Thank you 💕💕💕

  131. I have those nights too. I had one that lasted six months and I had just about given up it nearly killed me. The only reason it didn’t was because of you. When I was lost you lit a path for me to find my way back to the light. It was not only you but the tribe of people on here and the truth is without you there wouldn’t be a place like this. Where the lost ones can be found. I only hope we can light a path for you while your lost in the dark. It’s the least we can do because I’m sure I’m not the only one you saved. When things get bad and the darkness is closing in just know your not alone. Much love and hugs.

  132. You are 100% not alone. I feel this way a lot. Especially if I have had a great day or unusually great week. Like I’m not deserving of good or even great things and feelings. Then the doubt creeps in. It’s a sadistic game my minds likes to play. It may win some battles, but it will never win the war. I’m too stubborn to let it. You’re one amazing woman, Jenny. XOXO

  133. Lying awake feeling “less than” in so many ways.
    ❤️ To you. The sun will rise and there will be time and space and volume to fill ourselves up again.

  134. Yes. I am having one of those nights as well. One of those weeks, months, years……A time of darkness. But reading that you and this community is feeling the same makes things a tiny bit better.

  135. Because I know this, this feeling, I will not offer platitudes. I know you are only bleeding on the sidewalk, and I’ve stopped to acknowledge your pain.

    Carry on, lady. xo

  136. You matter and you are bigger than your fears and doubts. Hang in there.
    ❤

  137. You may feel small right now, but you are a big part of so many people’s lives. Keep doing you, Jenny. It’s working out for so very many of us.

  139. Those are a common occurrence for me. I do what you do – know that all nights are not going to be like this. I make it a point to do things for others, even little things, because then I know that I matter to someone. And, by seeing their happiness, it makes the darkness fade.

  140. My whole day has gone like that. I matter to no one. But then, I look up in the night sky and remember that we are all star dust …. which is pretty cool. And it’s enough.

  141. “To exist in this vast universe for a speck of time is the great gift of life. Our tiny sliver of time is our gift of life. It is our only life. The universe will go on, indifferent to our brief existence, but while we are here we touch not just part of our vastness, but also the lives around us. Life is the gift each of us has been given. Each life is our own and no one else’s. It is precious beyond all counting. It is the greatest value we can have. Cherish it for what it truly is…Your life is yours alone. Rise up and live it.” Author unknown

  143. You are the friend I need in those dark nights, when I go back and read old posts and feel not alone. I don’t care about being insignificant but being alone is damn scary so I will make you a deal. You be there for me when I am alone and you will be important and remembered by me and everyone like me for the rest of our lives.

  144. Small, big, down, up, you are it all. We are too. Question your thoughts.
    You are so loved, as you are.

  145. Depression lies. You taught me that. Also, you are awesomesauce. Never forget that.

  146. Hugs. Ugly cry and know you are not small or big…you simply are. That is all any of us need to be.

  148. I don’t know what to say except that 1) these nights happen to me too, more often than I like to think about, and 2) I just recently read “Furiously Happy” and to quote my review: ‘Sometimes I laughed until I peed. Sometimes I cried. Sometimes both in the same chapter.’ You do matter, you’ve made an impact in my life, and I’m glad you’re here.

  149. Consider again that dot [Earth]. That’s here. That’s home. That’s us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every “superstar,” every “supreme leader,” every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there – on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam.

  150. In the great vast cosmic space, we are all small… Tiny specks of dust. But you’re the speck of dust that sent red dresses traveling around the globe to empower and inspire women. You’re the speck of dust that wrote a book that I know has helped people with similar struggles get thru another day. You’re the speck of dust who’s blog gives voice to the scenes that play out in my own mind when depression lies to me, and who saved me one day by responding to a tweet I had sent from the bottom of a pit of despair. I could go on and on, but the point remains the same… You touch more lives than you realize. You remind us that it’s okay to struggle and be real, even tho the rest of the world says it’s not okay. You are a hero to me, and to so many others. We all may be small little specks of cosmic dust, but you have sent out ripples turned to waves that touch so very many lives. and you touch those lives by being you, being real, letting a bunch of people you’ve never met into your world…. You are amazing.

  151. Heh honey. Wanna know the secret? We are ALL small sometimes to some people. But we are huge to the people who count. Huge to our loved ones. Huge to our fans. And nothing we do it do t do, nothing we say or don’t say, is going to change that. So take some time. Breathe. Hold yourself gently and close. And know that tomorrow, things will feel different. And you will feel like life might be okay again for a while. And when you can’t trust the voices of doubt that are running around in your head, trust the voices who are saying you are enough.

  152. You are SO important. You are important to your family, to your friends, and to all of us out here who love hearing from you and are here because of you. Always remember that.

    This seems to be a good opportunity to tell you something about myself… I adore both of your books, and Furiously Happy really spoke to me. After meeting you at the book signing in Arizona, I took my brand new autographed copy of the book home and devoured it. I decided that I needed to be furiously happy too. I have, among many other problems, an often debilitating social anxiety, and I miss out on some awesome stuff because of it. With a combination of medications that are working and your writing, I have started getting out. Sometimes it’s little, like chasing Pokemon in a park with my daughter, sometimes it’s a little bigger, like going to parties and gatherings where I hardly know anyone, but I talk to strangers and manage to make them laugh, which then makes me feel giddy. This week, I took a HUGE leap… I went to a concert. My daughter was there too, but was not with me for most of the concert… I was standing by myself, surrounded by an incomprehensible number of strangers, and when the anxiety started flooding in, I sang at the top of my lungs and danced to every song. Soon, I felt nothing but joy and happiness (and a sore throat) and was so amazed that I was able to actually stay and have a great time. I want to thank you millions of times. You have become such a big part of my life and mental health, and I felt that you should know how amazing you are.
    You are not small.
    You are extraordinary.

  153. I wanted to say something encouraging, having been in that dark space recently, but all I could hear in my head was Lin-Manuel Miranda singing so perhaps that can also keep you company until you believe or until the morning:
    “My dearest, Angelica “Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow
    Creeps in this petty pace from day to day”
    I trust you’ll understand the reference to
    Another Scottish tragedy without my having to name the play”

    Love.

  154. Has anyone checked the lunar cycle? I was feeling something similar a few days ago. Note: sometimes juse existing is important and memorable. Just ask a blade of grass.

  155. I have never posted here but I am an avid reader of your books and your blog. You have inspired me to be open with the people in my life about my anxiety and I feel like I am a better person because of it. Thank you for writing from the heart. I’ve read and reread your books, even read my favorite parts out loud to my friends and family, who would then go straight to the bookstore. You changed everything, and are a huge influence in every way.

  156. I often feel the same way, except all day long. I watch these other highly functioning humans and wonder what is going to happen to me when they all figure out that I am a fraud. That I am just barely muddling through this life. That sometimes I am so overwhelmed by these thoughts and feelings that I cannot leave the house. Evening actually brings me peace when I feel this way. The world is dark and quiet so I don’t see or hear all of the happy, normal, humans. You are not alone. Because of you, we now know that we are not alone. Thank you for being you, however small, or large that may be.

  157. you might feel small, but you’re not alone. The night is dark, and full of terrors and we can all kick their ass together.

    For the record, I think you’re adorable. And I keep your books on my kindle app on my phone, so, technically you’re adorably small AND in my pocket (or purse…) so… There’s that.

  158. I often feel the same way, except all day long. I watch these other highly functioning humans and wonder what is going to happen to me when they all figure out that I am a fraud. That I am just barely muddling through this life. That sometimes I am so overwhelmed by these thoughts and feelings that I cannot leave the house. Evening actually brings me peace when I feel this way. The world is dark and quiet so I don’t see or hear all of the happy, normal, humans. You are not alone. Because of you, we now know that we are not alone. Thank you for being you, however small, or large that may be.

  159. I am reminded of this Hemingway quote every night when I feel this way:

    “I know the night is not the same as the day: that all things are different, that the things of the night cannot be explained in the day, because they do not then exist, and the night can be a dreadful time for lonely people once their loneliness has started.”

    And then I remember that in the morning things might not feel the same. It gives me a bit of relief.

    When you’re feeling small, think about all the people who have felt very small too who you have helped immensely by reminding us that we are not small, and even if we feel that way at least we have each other. You’ve made such a huge positive impact on my life.

  161. You’re small, I’m small, all of us who congregate here are small… But when we all congregate we become massive… A massive blob of like minded friends who have each others backs, no matter how we are feeling! As long as we have you,a place like here to ‘meet’ & each other… We will never be alone. Love you, Jenny! I hope your dark night is short & the brightness of the morning sunshine blows the demons into another dimension!! 💜😘🐱

  162. Babies are small and almost everyone loves babies! Also lots of people wanna nibble their toes…:)

  165. You are a shining star in the dark sky of my mindscape.

    You’ll never be insignificant because so many of us think of you in our dark hours and smile. Your strength and appreciation for life’s beautiful moments is inspiring.

    Every day I cannot wait to see what you are doing or saying next.

    <3 4 ever

  166. sciencey thing that might help. you know how an atomic bomb works? some well meaning (or not TBH) person shoves a little socially awkward sub atomic particle towards a BIG OL’ PARTY and says “here make some friends. mostly in modern bombs they use neutrons. Neutrons are very tiny and do mostly nothing. the don’t even have an electrical charge. some of the bigger atom need them to keep shit together, that being said 99.9999999999999999999% of … well … EVERYTHING IN THE UNIVERSE wouldn’t exist without them. and god forbid you should throw one into an unfamiliar crowd… KABOOM

  167. Jenny, thank you so much for knowing how to say what I feel. I’m feeling crummy, small and useless now and and I’m trying to convince myself to go to bed. Lying on bed thinking and feeling the physical pain that’s worse in bed is torture. And if I go to bed really late there’s an excuse to sleep all day. It’s even worse to feel useless during the day when the rest of the world is busy doing things. You are not only helping so many people by helping us express the pain, but you wrote tonight in spite of it! There’s hope for you and for us, the multitude ( thousands, millions?) who love you and identify with you. Just remember we all share your struggle and your writing helps all of us. I love you. I wish we could all have one big pajama party on nights like this so no one would have to feel alone. Together we would all be big and strong.

  168. After my husband left, for a long time I felt physically small, like for 16 years I was twice my size, in a good way, and in an instant I became half my size. Then as I totally screwed up being a single Mom, I felt small and worthless. But as I started actually paying attention to what I got right or what was good, I got bigger. Lately I’ve forgotten to look for good. Part of it is because I have to suck up to someone in a position of power who isn’t cutting me much slack, but the real challenge is to honor my little post-it which tells me to stop trying to fix the past and focus on what needs work now. But damn I will be relieved when I start feeling big and confident again. Hope you get big again too.

  169. You are not alone as you can see from all the other comments. I’ve been feeling invisible and insignificant for a few weeks now. I understand how difficult it is to communicate the concept to other people. You are loved. You are amazing. You are a beacon to so many people, showing them that yes, depression sucks and more importantly, it’s a fucking liar. As the good Doctor says, “Nobody important? Blimey, that’s amazing. You know that in nine hundred years of time and space and I’ve never met anybody who wasn’t important before.” What you do, who you are, is important. I love you and I hope you take comfort from all the comments here.

  170. Hi there, this is my first time posting. I found your blog after I finished your Furiously Happy book and it’s been the best thing ever since your book (teehee).

    While reading your book, I came to the chapter about not judging yourself for the insecurities and flaws you perceive yourself to have. And I just sat and cried because it touched a place in my soul that I needed so desperately. And I just sat in the middle of that coffee shop and cried into my latte.

    You are an incredible person and I know you have touched so many lives. Each one of your posts helps me in so many ways.

    So I guess I just wanted to say, thank you for sharing your experiences with all of us so we can be reminded that though we might be small, we are definitely, 1million percent, not alone.

  171. Thank you for this…your last paragraph…puts things into perspective, even when you’re feeling your smallest. We all need that sometimes. Hang in there, tomorrow is coming :o)

  172. In the grand scheme of things we are all small. Not the pocket kind of small or insignificant small, just small.

    There are days when I don’t want to exsist. However, I am a Pediatric Home Health Aide. I help take care of special needs children. I give parents a break & help their child have a fulfilling life. So on the days when I feel like nothing & don’t want to exsist; I tell myself that I have to live so someone else can live. It’s never just one life that I’m helping. It’s a child, parents, siblings & so on. I remind myself of the ripple effect & it pulls me through.

    So I know your asshole brain might not let you believe it… but you help me keep living. I read Furiously Happy twice because it lifted the darkness a little, I never read books more than once. I plan on mailing my copy to my friend because her daughter is sick & I hope it helps her. I read your blog & your tweets. If you like one of my comments it makes me giddy!

    You are not insignificant dust. You help me, I help my two little boys, they will hopefully be decent humans who help others, I help my main client & his mom, who in turn can do more for others or with others. It keeps going. So just think of all the others you have helped, who they have helped, who those people will help, and so on. You could never be insignificant dust.

  173. I think every person who feels at all has those nights. I had months of that feeling not so long ago. I can tell you that your presence is much greater than you know. Your humor and your unflinching honesty mean do much to me, and to do many others. I would love to actually know you, but not in a creepy stalker way. So keep sharing your light, and I hope this darkness passes quickly.

  174. I don’t know what it is about today for so many people, but I am having one of those days as well. I posted a very long vent where some friends who fully know the extent of my depression could read it a little past 1 o’clock last night and then proceeded to hide by sleeping. I canceled a kayaking trip I had been looking forward to because I couldn’t drag myself out of bed, and went back to sleep until this afternoon. I finally managed to make myself go outside for a walk and after making myself some food, I went back online to read responses from my friends after my post. They were very supportive and caring, and I managed to cry a little bit more of the pain out.

    But it hasn’t quite provided the catharsis that I was seeking. Writing in a place where my words will be seen and thus have meaning does help, but depression still has a greater hold than I expected. I find this both surprising and disturbing. Though it is now easy to see that I have lived with depression for most of my life, three major shocks that occurred way too closely together a few years ago finally knocked me deeply down the depression hell pit. I have spent the past 19 months trying to put myself together and claw my way back. I lost my both my housing and my employment, and it’s only been by dint of hard scrabbling, some fortuitous help, and some minor miracles that I’ve managed to keep my stuff safe in storage and my pets safe in fosterage.

    It sometimes feels like I am so close to turning that final corner to being able to rebuild everything. And then there are days like today , when it seems like I’m never going to make it. I am so tired of having to worry about driving on bad tires, fearing losing my belongings in the storage room at auction, and feeling overall like I am worth nothing. Depression is hideous enough on its own and I wish that I wasn’t having to fight all of the threats of poverty at the same time, especially since it’s the depression that put me in this position. I don’t know if I’m ever going to escape and I hate being alone.

  175. “A person’s a person, no matter how small [she feels sometimes].” I don’t think Dr. Seuss would mind my paraphrasing this time. Hope you feel embiggened ASAP.

  176. I hear ya, Jenny. I appreciate knowing I’m not alone — you and the other Bloggessians. Thank goodness for my dog and my current batch of foster kittens. Some days, they’re they only things that get me out of bed.

  177. I have nights like this, nights I wonder how to find the light, to hold on, to wait, to believe that tomorrow will be reason enough, that my husband’s kiss and my daughters’ laughter and my son sweetly making me breakfast are worth standing by the abyss and leaning away from it, waiting for that first glimpse of tomorrow.

  179. You are big to us! You have friends who live you all over this planet, even if you have not met most of them. (No matter what Victor says, just because you haven’t met in “real life” does not make someone not a real friend.

    I feel small sometimes. I feel like I am doing everything wrong and I am messing up the world with my insignificance. I hope you know that when I feel this way, many times it is your writing that helps pick me back up. Your open and honest way of embracing life gives me hope amd makes me laugh through tears.

    Also, I met you at a lit fest in Alabama last fall. You were warm and fun, and just made my day. Being able to meet someone who picks me up when I am down was wonderful, but you being so lovely was icing on the cake.

    I hope tomorrow ia a better day for you!!

  180. Oh, hell…Jenny, I’ve been in this situation for most of the year. But I read your words, AND OTHERS, and remember “It gets BETTER….AND DEPRESSION LIES”!!!! I’m in a very horrible stuck place and cannot figure a way out…your writings, humor, and real vulnerability give me hope…thank you…

  181. You are not small. There are a few people, places and things that I refer to as my ‘everything.’ You are part of my everything. A number of years ago I discovered your blog and it changed my life. I realized that I was not alone. I realized that there was no shame in asking for help. I realized that there was no shame in being broken. Because of you I asked for and received the help I needed and continue to do so today. Meeting you at one of your signings reaffirmed that you were part of my everything. A couple of weeks ago, I had a day like you are having tonight. It was the worst in a long time. But I survived it because of something that I learned from you. Depression lies. Anxiety lies as well. Tonight I am strong and I am sending those strength vibes to you. You will survive this night. You always do. We always do. We are a tribe. When one of us falls, we all help to pick that person up. We are all here for you tonight; holding you up, pulling you through and waiting on the other side.

  182. Bless your heart Jenny, you are right, many of us have those nights (and days, which are harder, because the sun is already there). But, being in the night, you have the hope of day and by identifying that, you have already conquered it. Sending virtual strength and wisdom. (I hope I can ask for some back when I need it).

  183. You are not alone. And you are not small, you are larger than life and you are a beacon to so many of us in the dark. Thank you for being open and letting us know we aren’t alone too.

  184. Jenny, I’ve made it through months of nights like yours, thanks, in part, to you and other wonderful people like you. Right now, I’m happier than I’ve ever been and those nights are a distant memory (but I understand they’re never far away – my brain still likes to #@*& with me even at the best of times). In a few hours or a few days or however long it takes, this night will be a distant memory for you, too.

    If having a positive impact on the life of just one other person makes you significant, than you, my friend, are a giant. And not the “Oops, I knocked over your power lines” kind of giant. More the “Hey, I just wanted to remind you that you’re awesome” kind.

    See you when the night fades into day. We’re going to need you around tomorrow. And the day after that and the day after that.

  187. I alternate between panic about being insignificant, and panic that everything will fall apart if I don’t do everything correctly. The moments in between are good, and those are what matter to me. You’ll get through to your next good day.

  188. Just Google “knock knock, motherfucker” and you’re the first thing that pops up! That’s not small, that’s HUGE! That’s the kind of impact you have in our world, and don’t ever forget that. You are loved by so many people who have never even met you, but feel like you’re their best friend because of what you’ve written that speaks to their hearts. We’re all sending our love and hugs to help you through the night, so hang in there.

  189. Go to Hailey’s room and watch her sleep for a few minutes. Even if it were true that you didn’t matter to the rest of us, that amazing little person is your legacy. She is beautiful, she is smart, she is funny, and she is kind. She is the best of both you and Victor, and you are the world to her. She loves you more than anything. Remember that while you watch her sleep, and she will give you the strength to tell the darkness that you’re actually doing just fine.

  190. I think your courage is large. I think mine – and all the other commenters’ – is. That courage, added to your baseline volume, totals sheer-volume-plus! (Thank you for that funny, poignant, and wise concept – I think it will help me too sometime.)

  191. We’re all here for you Jenny, just like your there
    when we need you. Hugs to you.

  192. Doing my best to remind myself that these feelings are temporary…feeling dark…dark…dark…why do we do this…

  193. We are all small in this universe. But like leaf-cutter ants hauling pieces of leaf bigger than they are we march along in our place fulfilling our roles. You are one of us, small but important especially to the ants close to us

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

  194. I’m having one of those nights too. And tomorrow it will be one of those days. Followed by another one of those nights. And so it goes for me. I just keep reminding myself that I’m not lost in the dark alone. A lot of us are. And if everyone else can find their way out, eventually I will too.

  195. To the world you may be one person, to one person you may be the world.
    You matter. You are enough. And you are bigger than big in all of our hearts.

  197. I worry about the people who don’t have nights, or even days, like that.

    I think that while I may be tiny and insignificant in the grand scheme of things, I am not in the lives of my friends and family.
    I may not make a big difference to the world, but there will be small differences that I do make, even if it is just something simple like smiling at someone so that they smile too, or telling a stranger that I love their skirt or how good they are in having given a forever home to the dog that they accidentally found themselves looking after.

    You are hugely significant in the lives of your friends and family, and you make a big difference in the lives of everyone who reads your blogs,or your posts on Facebook or Twitter, or your books.

    Thank you for making a difference and for being so significant.

  198. We are all insignificant specks of dust in this vast universe and every single insignificant speck matters greatly! You are my favorite speck!

  199. When I have those nights, and sometimes they are too frequent, where I’m feeling like a speck of dust, I try to remind myself I am also magic. Not dust, but starstuff. Thanks for making it a less lonely place to be. I am also down with tbe otter floatilla idea too! Otters just floating along in the darknesss, holding hands, and pulling each other up out of the darkness.

  200. At times like these you might be even more vital. If you’ve ever seen a dust/sand storm like those in Iraq or pictures from the Dustbowl of the 1930’s, you and all of those that feel like you in that moment, have ridiculous power. If you feel small like dust and others in your tribe do as well, and there are lots of us, you matter. You are able to change the landscape by taking part, by sharing in the moment, just as you did by posting this. One small speck becomes powerful enough to black out the sun.
    I’m hoping that this makes some sort of sense. It made sense in my head.

  202. I only saw your post because I am having one of those nights myself.
    You’re not small, I believe your words are so important to so many people. Look at how many you reach and who reach back towards you. That is not the product of a small mind.
    I get lost (okay I’m still struggling and more lost than found) but now and then a crack of light will slip through and remind me that “Depression lies” and for a moment I have enough clarity to see that and not only am I not alone but I’m part of a community of misfits with a questionable sense of humor.
    Then, some nights jJust reading a chapter of Furiously Happy can shake away the shadows long enough for me to sleep again.

    I’ll never be grateful enough. Thank you.

  203. Those who are loved can never blow away. And in the eyes of those who love you, you are huge. In the best way.

  204. We are all being small together and you are the one who created this community. You have given us a great gift.

  206. Right here beside you sitting in the darkness. You are not alone You are The brightest star in the dark night for many of us. Thank you for guiding us in our dark moments. You are incredibly significant. Thank you.

  207. Our bacteria in our bodies are small but we know when the things are out of whack. You are someone who provides me with laughter and light on dark days. You are small and you matter.

  208. I’m having the same night, very small. It will be different tomorrow, for awhile, and I hope for longer.

  209. You are not alone. I honestly thought I was the only one who is surrounded by a loving family yet feel unnecessary and unnoticeable.

  210. I’ve cried myself to sleep more time than I can remember on nights like that. They pass. Hold on. Today’s lesson is that I am worthy of receiving help, I can receive help without being indebted to those who help. I am worthy of people’s help. We all are!!

  211. One day I realized that I’m not here on this earth because I’m important (and the corollary that I’m not important and therefore my life is a mistake). Rather, I’m important because I’m here. On that day my life changed forever. We are all important.

  212. It seems to me, that most of my nights are spent feeling small. The kind of small that says, “you’re nothing in this world, nobody cares about you, and nobody will miss you when you’re gone.” But, every once in a while, I get a night where someone takes me to a movie and enjoys spending time with me, a night where for once I’m the focus of someone’s night rather than someone being the focus of mine. Or I get a day, where my dog sitting client asks me, “if something happens to me, will you take my dog?” Which in most people’s lives would mean nothing, but in mine, is like a MAJOR compliment, and days like that, lead to nights where I can’t stop smiling, and, for once, I don’t feel small, I feel big!! So, when those nights happen, and believe me, they’re rare, I hold on tight, so that I can have a little bit of brightness to hold on to when I feel smal again. So, jenny, hold on to that little flame in your mind, the one that says, “hey! I can write some awesome stuff, and damnit, I can draw too,” because it’s that flame that will become a HUGE bonfire and will be anything but small!!

  213. You may be small, like so many of us often feel we are. You are also an inspiration for saying it OUT LOUD. That takes the power from the darkness. Your sun rise, over coffee tomorrow, will feel even better than usual.
    You win because you Say that you see the monster under your bed, instead of not being willing to put a foot over the edge. It’s science!
    I’m sorry your night is dark and you are tiny now. Tomorrow you’ll be life sized and extra amazing. I promise. Xo

  214. Thank you. I don’t know how to tell you it’s going to be OK, just like you can’t tell me, but just talking about it….knowing that you or people from your “tribe” understand….that helps soooo much. It will get better. It always does. We just have to hang on

  215. The void. The infinite black, emptiness outside our cozy little atmospheric bubble.
    Sometimes, when I contemplate all that nothing out there, the feeling of being a dust-speck is strong. Especially when the entire world feels like a dust-speck.
    Sometimes I imagine alien astronomers in some far-off galaxy, who see the whole Milky Way as nothing more than a faint smudge through their telescopes, and that maybe, if we’re lucky, one photon from our sun may have contributed to that smudge. But probably not. And almost certainly no photons from the Earth will have contributed to their view of us.
    And against the gargantuan distances of space, the literally mind-boggling bigness of it all, how utterly trivial–how much less than dust-like, are all the problems and travails we get so worked up about here on earth.
    And sometimes that helps me not get quite so worked up about it all.
    Other times, I imagine being out in that void, traveling between the stars, confronting the eons of travel between here and there. Drifting out there, in the darkness, it is so quiet. So peaceful. So utterly tranquil and safe, for there is nothing out there to hurt you. No one to demand anything. No one to upset the balance of anything. There’s just the void: quiet, dark, and reliable.
    It’s not so bad out in the void. There may not be anything there. We may be lesser than the merest motes within it. But even though we can’t actually sail the void and must content ourselves as passengers on Carl Sagan’s ship of the imagination, for all its nothingness the void can still offer us its peace, its quiet, it safe, placid tranquility.

  216. Thank you. I don’t know how to tell you it’s going to be OK, just like you can’t tell me, but just talking about it….knowing that you or people from your “tribe” understand….that helps soooo much. It will get better. It always does. We just have to hang on…it always gets better. (((Hugs)))

  217. We may all feel small sometimes, but we are big together. Thank you for making us big.

  218. The sun will rise. Because if it doesn’t, we will hunt it down and put some serious hurt on its ass! 😘

  219. Listen to Bleachers. Jack Antonoff has struggled with anxiety and depression…how you feel tonight reminds me of the song “Shadow.” He sings, “if you’re feeling small, I’ll love your shadow.” jenny, if you are feelin small, know that we all love your shadow.❤️

  221. Perspective. We are all insignificant to some, yet irreplaceable to others. The tiny pebble of your life has plopped into the ocean of the world and your ripples are felt farther and more deeply than your mind lets you know sometimes. You matter. To so many that may never have even let you know the difference you have made in their lives. These thoughts get to us because they are true if you look at it from only one direction. The trick is to open your eyes and look around for the balance of truth behind depression’s narrow view of yourself.

  223. For 3-4 days now, I’ve felt like I’m in the wrong place, but…MORE. That I’m in the wrong life. The feeling is so overwhelming, I want to crawl out of my skin and just stop being. I’m struggling to even describe it, because when I try to put it into words, it sounds disconnected, dumb, and whiny, so I don’t tell anyone and distract myself by trying to think about other things. Reading about people coming out the other side of the darkness reminds me about the light. I’m holding out for that, I hope you are, too.

  224. I had a night like this just last week. But just like I did. you will get through to the other side of it, and you are important, even if you don’t feel it right now. <3

  225. I cried this morning. My son has gone blind and his fiancé dumped him and I said he could move in with us for a while. But The Viking has become a Beserker because it’s not his son and we’ve had to turn our whole house and life upside down. He says mean things now. I know he’s lashing out from frustration. I understand, really I do, but he doesn’t have to scream it at me every 15 minutes!. I’ve fucked it all up and I don’t have a soul to tell. My friends are too far away. I can’t write a blog because there would be too many casualties. So I’ll throw my pain and tears at a group of people who might not mind. Please don’t mind. And Jenny? You may feel small tonight but to most of us you are a giant all the time.

  226. I’ve had a few of those nights lately too. Problems can seem scarier at night in the quiet. It will pass. Thank you for sharing this. You’re not alone. xx

  227. Ditto. I just keep reminding myself, even though at the dark times I don’t believe it, that I won’t always feel this way. Feelings are always temporary.

  228. It must be the moon or something. I’ve been in the same boat for a couple days now.

  229. Thank you for posting this. I’m online at 2am because I too am feeling insignificant and small and was hoping to see someone post something that made me feel loved, but if someone like you, a successful writer, a mother, a wife can feel this way too, then it stands to reason it must only be a feeling and not reality. Like you, I will probably believe that more in the morning, or after my anxiety meds kick in (though they tend to knock me out and it seems as though not feeling insignificant doesn’t count when you’re unconscious). You are a great inspiration to me. You have inspired me to be more open about my mental illness and to not feel awkward in trying to explain that I’m not putting on a show when I’m happy, I’m just thoroughly enjoying my break from my brain bullying me, telling me I’m worthless, telling me I don’t matter. I look forward to feeling the joy again every time I’m down in these lows, and you have helped me explain to others that my ups and downs are normal for mental illness, plus, you make me laugh! Your mind works like mine humor-wise, but you are able to articulate that humor far better than I can. I know I’m not alone in being so inspired and entertained by you. You are, even in your lows, important to so many lives. Much love! Here’s to hoping we both feel better soon!

  231. You know what? I can see that writing acts as a therapy for you, the way it does for me! You were in doubts when you began but by the end of the blog, you sank up.
    P.S. I have such nights too. Often.

  232. The night is often a liar. Sometimes it helps to know this, and it sounds like you do. It’s still light out here in Alaska, at 10:20 pm.

  233. Fighting against that terrible darkness is hard. I feel small all of the time and the world often confirms it. However, when I feel afraid I struggle to remind myself that I am not in danger. If I was in danger I would already be running or fighting back. Since neither of those things are true, I have to go to sleep and get up again and live my life the best way I know how.

  234. It sounds like it would be a great time for another, A Book to make me happy/ bookmas.

  235. I am still awake because someone on the internet said that Koala bears are the cause of Chlamydia in this county (the US) and I was like what the fuck, went to bed, but couldn’t shut it off so had to get back up and prove them wrong…having coffee while proving them wrong was a BAD idea. Love you Jenny!!

  236. Just remember you are a galaxy, an entire universe is contained within you. Your body teems with life, your gut hosts an ongoing orgy of reproduction with organisms living out their lifespans within the vastness that is you. You are a sun around which those who love you orbit, and depend upon for your warmth. You are limitless and powerful, and while you contain the dark you also are made of stars.

  237. Thank you for this… for these past few days when I feel I’m not worth much. It’s good to know it is just a feeling, wrong self-judgement. Everybody needs that friend who can understand. Good luck to you.

  238. Nights like tonight are terrible. They make you believe all the bad stuff. Make you feel like it’s not worth the fight. I get it. No.amount of purported success will ever out weigh or out shine the self doubt ingrained in our brains. No matter what, though, you were right. The light comes always whether it’s the morning sun’s or our own. Keep strong. Thank you for being brave and sharing. I needed to hear your struggles to help me with my own tonight.

  240. You are definitly not alone in this and it is nice to know I am not alone in this as well. I’m not sure how to say this right.. it doesn’t sound right if I say I am happy about this, but in a way I am. I’m sure you’ll understand.

  242. I just wrote my own story of depression and it was lost to the abyss. Thank you, Jenny for sharing. I wanted to share as well but technology intervened and my comment was lost.

  243. I ♡ you! ( not in a creepy way, but in an I love you for baring your soul, I love you for making me laugh during some of my rougher times, when laughing was the last thing I thought I could do….but really needed to do, i love you for shedding light on depression and helping to remove shame surrounding it way.) You are a ray of sunshine even when you are in the dark. Thank you for being a tiny part of my life via your posts. Thank you for making me giggle when I see your animal videos and pictures. You may be small, but you are a warm light. 🙂

  244. Each of us is small, but our tribe is big. Always here to support you, love! Your books, writing and art bring light into my darkest days. I hope we can somehow light your way till morning. Gentle hugs sweets. <3

  245. Thank you. I’m having a really hard time holding on right now. It feels better to know I’m not alone.

  246. You are small, and precious, and rare. You are not small. Your words help so many to know they are not alone.

  247. I wish that some day, when all the battles are won, that you could know just how mighty you really are. It is my prayer that when you stand before God, you would hear Him say, “Well done, you may not have done it the conventional way, but My Son wasn’t big on convention either, way to kick the Devil’s ass!” And high five you.

    You have touched so many lives for the better. I’ve had multiple surgeries in the past few years, and my husband reads your story about Jenkins to me before every one. The pre-op echoes with our laughter, and everyone there thinks we are nuts. The fear that used to seep in even after prayer, cannot overcome a mind filled with your hilarious imagery.

    You have sown so much joy, I hope you find your own very soon. Thank you for making my world a better place.

  248. You are necessary and loved. Let us hold up some light for you until morning comes.

  249. I call them Dark Nights Of The Soul and they happen a lot, to me at least. I don’t know if that will help at all, but it certainly helps me reading this and all the comments below, and knowing I’m most definitely not alone in my Dark Nights Of The Soul. Maybe we’re all small, on nights like this anyway, but because we’re all small it doesn’t really matter, because together we’re vast, a vast collection of little lost souls who may be small, but are never alone xx

  250. My fav mantra when feeling totally useless is ” Just because I think it….it doesnt make it real!

  251. yepper, I know small…but I look at the 250 replies before me and I say…Look you tiny, weird person, you have a ginormous family of support and humanhood JUST LIKE YOU!!! and Jenny, your voice and your courage spill out for us all, giving us the strength to kick that niggling little voice trying to shame us into believing we are insignificant when we are not. We are stardust, and so let us sparkle!!

  252. I have a similar experience of loneliness, I try and remind myself that it operates within me even if it feels like it’s consuming me. I’m sure you’re probably read Matt Haig’s book “Reasons to stay alive” too and he says a similar thing.

    I’m glad you have a huge online family to reach out to also. I recently started blogging about how this feels, to try and disperse some of the tension and it’s really helped.

  253. I was in the throes of a difficult night last night as well…except for me, it’s a “not enough” night.

    I worry that I’m not enough. Not quick enough or smart enough or dedicated enough or passionate enough. I worry that other people are more and that I will always fall short somehow. This was most likely brought on by the fact that even though I’ve been working 10-12 hours a day on getting a new house ready to move in, and trying to carve out time to take care of my aging grandmother, I need to plan a new curriculum, and instead of being focused, I watched 2 hours of tv.

    Instead of letting myself take a guilt-free few hours, I felt terrible that I should have been working and goofed off. I reasoned that anybody else would have been dedicated enough to use time more wisely.

    So…apparently, a night fraught with worry was my punishment. I’m so sorry you had a terrible night, and I hope the sun is shining brightly for you today.

  254. A wise person once wrote:
    You may not see the light you bring, but never doubt that you shine.

    You’ve managed to bring together a tribe of broken (but still magical) unicorns and brought laughter and joy to so many ad on behalf of us all, I thank you.

  255. I applaud you for struggling but in the end you have prevailed because your last paragraph sums it up beautifully Jenny. And I am going to remember it myself when I have nights like you had. “I am small. But therefore so are my struggles and worries. They can’t be bigger than I am”. Logic wins. Well done.
    Ps. I hope the sun is shining for you today.

  256. Beautiful Jenny, you are small… a teeny, tiny small piece of the magnificent, complete whole that is us. You, me, him, her, them. We’re all small pieces of this great big crazy, fun, frustrating, amazing picture, and the only way to make it through this experience and see the whole story, is to do it together. You’re a small, beautiful piece of the perfect whole. P.S. We all have these nights. I feel better when I do something silly, like fart and watch my pets react.

  258. You are full of shiny-sparkly light. Your words help so many others feel not-alone. I hope today is kinder to you.

  260. I think this happens to a lot of people and they have self-destructive ways of dealing with it. When it happens to me I read your blog to remind myself I’m not alone in these feelings. It doesn’t fix it but there’s some comfort in it.

  261. I have a lot of nights like that, especially lately. You are never alone though – so many of us have nights where our minds turn against us and that’s okay. Accept your feelings for what they are and hopefully tomorrow will be better. Xxoo

  262. I have those nights too, but I try my best to listen to those around me and push away the self-doubt. You ARE important, look at all these people you’ve helped with your books and your blog, myself included. Things always seem worse at night.

    Here, have some sloths. They always help me.

    https://youtu.be/djiPLoisyBE

  263. Much love to you. Every single one of us is special. We are all significant. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

  264. I know this comes as no help, very little does when you get to this point. I have been fighting the same battle for several weeks now. No kids, no husband, and very isolated. I am tired. It always comes back to “what’s the point?”. I wrote a poem about my kitties yesterday to, yet, get through another weekend of pain (physical and emotional) and suffering:

    My Cats, My Soul

    You keep my soul alive
    When things are at its worse, you are my last thread
    When I feel the pain and suffering, you comfort me
    When all is lost and I can no longer see the light, you are always there
    Thank you for being my rock and loving me unconditionally
    You keep my soul alive

    Hang in there, Jenny. Remember that you give a lot of people strength when they need it most. I wish I had the outlet and support that you have……

  265. My son graduated and will be moving an hour away for his first year of college on Friday. My anxiety has been flaring up awfully since March. I broke down then with no forewarning and cried for days. I am so proud of him and happy for him but my brain and body are being assholes. I’ve been breaking out all over my hands and arms since Spring. I look deformed. I itch all over all the time. I sobbed last night because it’s not ever going to be the same again. I hate being like this. It’s more than the normal thing. I was a single Mom for years and making sure he didn’t go through the hell I did was what got me through it. That was my entire purpose. I’ve been married to an amazing man for the last 7 years. He was a psych nurse before we met and has handled all my “crazy” so well but he doesn’t quite understand this.

  267. All the feels. I hate when my anxiety kicks in and screams at me how worthless I am. How I can’t do anything right. Then Ugly Mr. D piles on and wonders why I even bother, since I obviously can’t do anything to make it right. Ugly cycle. I believe in you because you’ve done it before. Tell the uglies to eff off, you have life to do. Hugs and love.

  268. Depression lies, or so I’ve heard. 😋 I think making us feel small is one of the things depression does. You are not small.

  269. A friend of mine who had cancer wrote this prayer that said “Dear Lord my boat is so small and the ocean is so large.” I think about that a lot these days.

  270. I often have moments like that. More than I should. It’s part of my depression, which you know all too well, how it lies. You are so important in this life, more than you will ever know. You are significant. You are amazing. And you are loved.

  271. You are mighty, inspiring and strong. Dawn is on it’s way, the night can kiss your ass!

  272. Believe it. Because if you can believe it so can I, and so can we all. And because it’s true–of you, of me, of everyone. Sometimes we just need a little help seeing it, so thank you for making me see.

  278. Go stare at the night sky for awhile. All those stars and other heavenly bodies will help put your tiny-ness in perspective.

  280. We are small, but we are bigger than the lies our brains tell. May you always find a flicker of light within the darkness. Hugs.

  281. I’ve been feeling like this so much lately. No answers, just commiseration. Sometimes it feels like things will never be okay again… And then I find something that makes me laugh and I see a tiny shred of hope. Thank you so much for being that shred so much of the time.

  282. If it weren’t for people like you, Jenny, I’m not sure I’d be alive right now. So you’re pretty goddamned important, at least to me.

  283. In the last 2 months, my house burned down, my last living Grandma died, and my 11-yr-old kitty died. I have been having these nights, too. Gotta hug the living and plod through, I think, till you see the light at the end of the tunnel. :/

  284. You are not alone. I don’t know you but I know you. You are not alone. I will join your speck with mine and that will make us both bigger. We are stardust. We are cosmic!

  285. How can you consider yourself small when it took me 25 minutes to scroll through all your fan comments. You are huge in the world of mental troubles and are enormously self aware. Your authorship of your daily struggles is such a gift to the world there isn’t a bow big enough to go on top of the box!

  287. It happens almost every time my head hits the pillow. As soon as my body says “Let’s sleep now”, my asshole brain says “No, let’s stay awake all night worrying about all of the eventualities that are outside of your control and conjuring up every worse-case scenario that will guarantee to freak you the fuck out until sleep is just a happy memory”. It sucks and it’s hard and it makes me outrageously jealous of anyone who can just shut their eyes and go to sleep (i.e. everyone else in my family). Know what helps me the most? Taking my battered and autographed copy of “Furiously Happy” and reading my favorite passage- your story about walking on a snowy sidewalk with one bleeding foot and looking back at the footprints you left. I’m not sure why that imagery resonates with me so strongly, but it never fails to give me hope and peace. You do matter. You matter to every one of us- we, your tribe of the beautifully broken. We who look to your words as inspiration to get us through those hard, sleepless nights. Know that every time you are lying there awake, someone else is awake, too…thinking of you and thanking you.

  288. I’ve been feeling like this all week! Must be an epidemic. Thanks for sharing this so the rest of us don’t feel so small plus alone!

  289. I feel small and insignificant, and that all my decisions thus far have been wrong. And ive had to fight hard for my shitty little life. You know how people say they have the blues? I’ve got the blacks

  290. Well that sucks. When I’m down I feel like I’m almost invisible. So annoying ‘cos you know it’s bullshit, yet you still feel that way anyway. When I have nights (or days) like that, I know it’s time to pat the black dog on the head (acknowledging it’s there), but lead it out of the house and into the backyard. It’ll still be there, but at least you get to tell it where to sit. Having some control (any control) is vastly better than feeling you have none. Remembering you have bounced back before also helps. Hang in there sistah. Oh, BTW, G’Day from Australia!

  291. those feelings… we each have different ways of suppressing those feelings… and last night i totally ignored it by watching anime… “how small can i be if i’m not living in this world,” was the thought that run in my head.. but of course, morning came and work came and there I was small again…

  292. You are significant if for no other reason than you can explain how so many of us feel and help us to know that we aren’t lone. Thank you!

  293. I am an old woman and I sometimes wear the night cloak of depression. Still. So long since the innocence faded. But yet, still…I am here and I carry my stardust in the night and the day and understand that I am not alone. You are not alone either.

  294. I know what you mean, Jenny. I have nights (and sometimes days) like this too. They pass and I’ve learned to not let myself fall down that downward negative spiral. I try to not self-sabotage too. (damn, is that hard!). I will tell you that laughter helps me, which is where your books come in. I’ve laughed so hard at some points that I had tears in my eyes (the giant metal chicken story for one). So, thank you for that. 🙂
    Other have mentioned this above, and I’ll just reiterate it: we are all small…but, it’s our connections that make us bigger.
    You will win. I hope you’re feeling better today and I hope the sun shines brightly on your face.

  296. Sometimes the most important thing you are needing and missing is validation. It needs to come from someone you love and trust and who is important to you. Find that person or activity who will VALIDATE you. You will feel present again.

  297. I have moments where I start to ponder life and try to figure out what my purpose is. why am I here? I just feel like I exist everyday and do the same things over and over.

  298. Me too, Peaches. I love your logic of sheer volume. I’ll be borrowing that tonight. <3

  299. I’ve felt small so many times, it’s not worth counting now. Mostly now I feel defeated. The last few years have been incredibly rough, and every time I feel like I make a little headway, something else happens to knock me back, and there are days like the last few that I don’t know how much longer I can keep getting up to fight. Seems like it would just be easier to stay down and play dead and let Life go beat on someone else for a while. But I can’t, because there are people who count on me, so I keep getting up, and I keep getting suckerpunched by the next thing, and stupidly wonder how many “next things” can there even be? (Ohhh, never ask the Universe that question…) I’m so tired of fighting Life; wtf did I do, anyway?

    Know this, Jenny Lawson: You may feel small, but you have made enormous impact on the lives of thousands of people. The good you do ripples out in the world. You created a Tribe, and those people impact other people, sending out more ripples. One rock in a pond… but that rock splinters, and sends out shards, each shard creating its own ripples, splintering in turn, more ripples, more shards, more ripples… until the whole pond is nothing but overlapping rings — and you started it all. All from one person, one beautiful, amazing, flawed person, who shared herself with the world. Thank you.

  300. I had a night/week like that. Thanks Jenny.

    *Ursula Fugger*

    *PO BOX 425, Hastings ONT*

    *K0L 1Y0*

  301. I lost my husband 3 years ago. Living alone gives you to much time to think. I’m in my 60’s and my children are grown,with lives of their own. I wonder sometimes, do I still matter? If I died today would it matter? I’m sure my kids would miss me, but their lives would go on . I’ve made no significant mark on this world ,as some have. I have 2 cats who need me. They depend on me for love and food. I tell myself no one could love them as much as I do. But I still worry sometimes if I died in my sleep how long it would be until some notices.who would feed my cats??

  302. Sometimes the silliest things make me feel like that all day.
    And when I get home to my safe place I usually start to feel better.
    If not, morning does come and things are brighter!
    You are important to sooooo many people! We are here with you!

  303. I actually had a bad night last night too. Haven’t been able to sleep but this morning IS better.

  304. You are important and loved. I know you know that. I know that deep down when I am feeling that way. Sometimes you just need to be told.

    And for something to help you laugh, the predictive text on my phone kept suggesting cooked in the sentence, “Sometimes you need to be told.” So sometimes you need to be cooked.

  307. But if you are small and your impact on me is so great than I must really be that very tiny spect… Like someone in Whoville in “Horton Hears a Who”….maybe you could feel bigger just for me? maybe I’m too small? maybe we all need to be looking for Horton?

  308. I’m right there with you right now. I feel small and like my voice is an annoyance rather than an inspiration. I don’t even want to be around me right now, but I know I can ride it out and find the light and my voice again.

  309. I hate those nights. 🙁 I hope it worked and you feel better this morning!

  310. How mystifying life is. On the flip side of your coin, I value the times I feel small, because they happen when I am regarding something truly larger than I am, like a stunning sunset, an unexpected rainbow, an imposing mountain or a vast desert.

    But then… depression and anxiety are not parts of my life, and I realize that’s a color palette I’ve never sampled.

    So, yeah. Maybe just ignore me.

  311. I have those nights from time to time. Sometimes more than others. I wrote this poem during one of those nights.

    Blue
    Gray Skies falling into blue
    I dreamed of shadows
    Black and dark
    In sunlight I shivered
    Remembering
    And crossed my arms
    To ward away this chill
    And face the fresh
    Resplendent dawn
    And leave the buried bones
    To rest

  312. Just had a night like this. Thing 1. Fail. Thing 2. Fail. Etc. through the list. It helps to know others feel the same darkness. Not b/c I want them to be suffering, but b/c I feel more normal & that things might work out. If I could only pound into my head the German proverb. “Fear makes the wolf bigger than he is.”

  313. Not to burden you, but I think I know what your next project should be: A children’s picture book about being small. You know, one of those wonderful books for kids that end up being for adults too becuase there will be things that go over their heads. Like in the Rocky and Bullwinkle cartoons I loved as a kid, my favorite thing as an adult was the college they attended–Whatsamatta U.

  314. I had a couple of weeks like this. It was aweful and it felt like it lasted for ever. The mood finally lifted last week and OMG I didn’t know it had been THAT bad! Hang in there. You’ll make it!

  315. Jenny and everyone else out there who is feeling small:
    A single match can light the world as the flame is passed from one to another. The lack of a single vote can change an election. A single grain of sand in the wrong place can crash the most complex of systems. Each of us is mighty alone, and together we rock the world. I feel small often, but then I remember that I have touched the life of one other person and changed the world.

  316. “The world is made for those who are not cursed with self-awareness.” – “Bull Durham”

  317. Here’s an old poem I wrote one summer when I was feeling what you are describing.

    For What It’s Worth

    It’s been a rainy summer

    The drops wilting the flowers

    Blooms hangdog and tattered

    As though they’ve given up

    The bird song is forlorn

    Nests are empty and babies have flown

    The woods behind the house

    Are too full of shadows for morning

    The old swing left behind

    By other people’s children is waterlogged

    And begs to be taken down

    The cars race by, their acrid fumes lingering

    I wonder where they are headed

    At such an unseemly hour

    I’m trying to awaken from this fog

    The artificial glow of my laptop

    The only light in the room

    And convince myself

    To go outside in the rain

    And feel it on my skin

    And make peace with it

    And accept it

    For what it’s worth

  318. I follow you everyday – mostly because you make me feel normal. The lies that our anxiety and our depression tell us are so full of weight that its a constant struggle to get out from under them. As i sit at my desk and read these comments, my eyes are welling up with tears, not tears of sadness, but tears of relief. That while we all feel small and insignificant and worthless at many times in our days or weeks, months.. hell in our lives, that we are ( that i am) never alone. The sun came up, today is a new start, a new battle but like someone else said – we are a brigade of otters, linked together taking on this battle together.

    You are magnificent jenny, you are strong, you are loved. Without you, out otter chain would not be complete. <3 hugs.

  319. I wouldn’t call it normal, but common. Those who aren’t broken don’t understand. But those of us who are broken… Well, I guess it’s normal for us. Like the world is spinning so fast that we’ll just fly off.
    Love you and your broken-ness.

  321. Take heart! It IS normal and it DOES happen to most, if not all, of us!

  322. We are stardust – we are gold…but we find ourselves in our tiniest moments. Triumph is lived through surviving – and we are in their swinging with you. HUGS!
    XStacy

  323. You sharing this came at the perfect time. I was feeling so low last night, like a complete and total failure. Then a link to your post popped up in my email. Sure enough, the sun came up today and I feel better… Exhausted, still unsure, and a little fragile, but better. Thank you for sharing so that others can feel less alone.

  325. I think most of us have had those nights. We are all broken on one way or another, some of us are just a little better at hiding it. When you are feeling small maybe this will help – 1) We are the stuff that stars are made of. So if you are feeling small look up and see that there are pieces of you lighting the night sky across the universe. 2) You make many of us squee just by following us on Twitter. LOL! <3

  326. Nighttime is always the hardest for me. But inevitably in the morning, the sun comes up and my mind is centered once again. 💜 Sending love and unicorns. 🦄💜🎉

  328. I was feeling just like that yesterday too. After so many good days, just when you start feeling “normal” again, the darkness comes back with a feeling of disappointment in ourselves as if all this was our fault. Thanks for reminding me it’s not! Depression really lies. We passed through one more night. Like you said “we won”.

  329. I have those nights too,,then I reread furiously happyspecifically bringing home the rooster and laugh till I find myself again.

  330. Me too, Jenny. I just feel so tired, and useless. But I know that it will pass eventually, and you are one of the reasons that I know this. But every day we continue, even if it’s hard, and each day is a little win.

  331. You rock, Jenny, and you remind us that together, we all rock. Hope the smalls pass quickly 🤗

  332. So many nights I keep up the same tallies. I stink, I’m messing my sons up, my sons love me, my husband needs me, I’m not enough, being human and showing it is enough…on and on. Your posts make me cry with relief that it isn’t just me. Keep fighting the dark!

  333. Me. Last night. Finally when the 4am news started I was able to fall asleep. Today I’m dead tired but will try my best. That’s all we can do right?

  334. I was recently inpatient thanks to a really bad choice of meds by my primary doc and there is nothing like being on a locked ward to make you feel small.

    But then a friend brought me a printout of 15 pages of well-wishes from facebook friends and I started to realize that I really have made some good impact in this world. I continue to be gratified and amazed at the support I have received.

    I hope the constant messages of how many people have made it through tough times because of something you said or wrote help you feel just a tiny bit nigger.

  335. I don’t post on here even though I read this pretty much all the time, but you were (without trying) there for me on some pretty rough days, so I feel like I should let you know that you’re awesome. You made me laugh HARD when I was hospitalized for depression and anorexia. I sat with Let’s Pretend This Never Happened when I was eating those first, incredibly scary meals. I was crying, but your book turned it into a good cry. (My brother saw the cover and went: “Kate, I found your spirit animal.” We got it right then and there, but I didn’t open it until a week later at the hospital. He’s a fucking boss.) it is still my favorite book for when I start to feel alone and scared of the inside of my own head, really competing only with Furiously Happy and Lewis Carroll’s Alice in Wonderland, because both of them are delightfully crazy too.

    I’ve hit my stride in recovery, mostly because I found my own sense of humor again with a little push from jumbo quails and my favorite, the psychopath on the other side of the bathroom door. I’d lost it for a long time, but you reminded me that laughing at those wicked, neurotic thoughts that sound SO loud takes their power away. Your books always remind me that weird is wonderful. Makes looking in the mirror a little easier every day to know I’m not alone.

    Thank you so much for everything you do. You may feel small, but you have a big voice for the rest of us who feel small too and trust me, at least this small fry feels a world better hearing from you. Keep fighting the good fight, Jenny! You’re a rockstar!

  336. I think we all have the “small” feeling – it’s not just you and me!

  337. Can’t make the feeling go away, but am always sending love. Sending a little extra…

  338. Dearest Jenny,
    I owe you a thank you note. Last Friday, I hadn’t been out of bed in 2 days. I couldn’t remember why I had ever gotten out of bed before in my entire life and I definitely couldn’t remember why any of it mattered.
    And then I, for the first time ever, asked #thebloggesstribe for help on Twitter. I literally said “Help. Please.” I was following an example you have set for me. For us. Because I had the privilege of watching them model asking for help, too. Until that moment on Friday, it had never even occurred to me to ask for support when I was struggling. I guess I long ago decided that the hassle of having to explain my depression wasn’t worth sharing it with other people. But then you showed me how to do it in a way that I don’t have to explain anything. To anyone. And you showed me that safe people exist and how to find those safe people, who couldn’t care less about the explanation, who only care that one of their tribe was wounded.
    So, I asked. And they came. And it still hurt. But the voice on top of the pain, telling me that I was alone, couldn’t help but go quiet. They drowned it out. And then I could just focus on my grieving heart. And they stuck around for that, too.
    This morning, I woke up and I recognized myself. And that is everything. And I am so grateful to you. Thanks for showing me how to be human. Thank you for leading us to each other. My life is richer and I am less afraid of my next bout of bottom-dropping-out depression.
    You did that.
    Sending you so much love and rooting for you,
    Heather

  339. Dear Jenny & everyone –

    I was watching this little book trailer for a picture book I love, and I thought of you. Sometimes you need to know that you aren’t the only one who feels alone.

    from=outro-embed

    And you, Jenny, are like this story: someone who makes other people less alone. And I think your community is like Sam, the whale.
    Terry

  340. You inspire and amaze me! <3 I hope you are having better nights now 🙂

  341. I get it. But also, you are amazing, and before I read this post, after a bad weekend, I woke up today coincidentally determined to be #FURIOUSLYHAPPY.

    “I’m fucking done with sadness, and I don’t know what’s up the ass of the universe lately but I’ve HAD IT. I AM GOING TO BE FURIOUSLY HAPPY, OUT OF SHEER SPITE. Can you hear that? That’s me smiling, y’all. I’m smiling so loud you can fucking hear it. I’m going to destroy the goddamn universe with my irrational joy and I will spew forth pictures of clumsy kittens and baby puppies adopted by raccoons and MOTHERFUCKING NEWBORN LLAMAS DIPPED IN GLITTER AND THE BLOOD OF SEXY VAMPIRES AND IT’S GOING TO BE AWESOME… And it’s going to be awesome because first of all, we’re all going to be VEHEMENTLY happy, and secondly because it will freak the shit out of everyone that hates you because those assholes don’t want to see you even vaguely amused, much less furiously happy…and it will probably scare the shit out of them. Which will make you even more happy. Legitimately. Then the world tips in our favor. Us: 1. Assholes: 8,000,000. That score doesn’t look as satisfying as it should because they have a bit of a head-start. Except you know what? Fuck that. We’re starting from scratch. Us: 1. Assholes: 0.”
    — A very wise woman. (Who happens to be you.)

  342. There’s a fabulous line in this song that says: and at once I knew, I was not magnificent. But it’s more in the sense that we’re part of this big, big world. And the music is something else. I’m going to hear this song live, under the stars, alongside a river on Friday. I can’t wait. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TWcyIpul8OE

  345. The Depression Dragon that haunts you is a particularly nasty example of the beast. Use whatever tools work, but for me, it helps to remember that I am fighting an opponent who has the ability to get into my head and turn my own thoughts against me. Picturing Depression as a separate entity helps to combat it, or at least to combat its voice. I think that this is where ancient concepts of demons came from. Don’t underestimate your enemy. Even setting aside those of us who are your fans and whose lives have been touched and transformed by your particular brand of light and life, you can start with your amazing family and work outwards from there whenever you feel like you don’t matter. There is one amazing girl for whom you are the most important person in the world, and that alone is worthwhile. Good luck. Carry on. Carry weapons, if you must.

  346. This happens to me a lot. I’m not sure what else to say other than that we need to take comfort in the fact that others are going through it, as well. We need to band together and have a gathering of insignificance…maybe then we will feel truly valuable.

  348. Isn’t it strange how feeling so small can feel so big? I feel that way more often than I’d like. I hope you’re okay, Jenny. The sun rose, and I hope your spirits did, too.

  351. I’m glad you made it through the night. I’ve had many nights (and days) over the past few months where I’ve felt small. My freelancing business has all but failed, I’ve been missing my son something awful (he lives with his father 5 hours away), and my depression has me doubting my marriage, myself, my entire life in general. It hasn’t gone away, but right now I have a freelancing project coming in, I spent the weekend with my son, and while I read your post and thought to myself, “but Jenny, look at #TheBloggessTribe and all the people you’ve helped!” it made me think of my own project, a website called MyMolarPregnancy.com, that I started in 2001. I included a support group (now on Facebook) for women with a very rare form of miscarriage, and in fifteen years I’ve helped thousands of women find help and support from others who could also say “me too” in spite of the fact that they lived thousands of miles apart (or, in some cases, just miles). It made me realize that I haven’t been as insignificant as I feel, and while I may not be raking in the dough from the two books I published or from the website, and while I may still be struggling with the lies and doubts that depression is screaming in my ear, I know that I have mattered, and still do. I matter to my son. I matter to my husband. I matter to all those women who need somewhere to go when they’ve lost a pregnancy and are facing a risk of cancer (!) and no one else seems to understand what they’re going through.

    We mean something, Jenny, and although there are too many times that even that isn’t enough to help us through the pain, when are able to stop and think about it, it does help, a little.

  352. This. It’s like you’re in my head. Only instead of a night it’s been days. And I’m struggling. Struggling to believe the darkness will fade. Thank you turning my feelings into words. It helps to know I’m not the only one.

  353. I had a night just like this yesterday. Wish I’d read this post then. My anxiety hit a high and it felt like I was drowning in my inadequacy and irrational fears. I decided to just write off the evening, hole up in my room, and start better today. I made it through the night.

  354. Been there, done that, designed, printed, sold, and mailed the t-shirt, and washed it so damn many times it’s fading, but it never completely fades away…damn it. sigh Depression and anxiety are lying motherfuckers who tell us all kinds of bullshit just to drag us down even further, when we’re already feeling vulnerable (which pretty much everyone is anyway, because this has been one shitty year, and if it were up to me, we could totally have a do-over and bring a whole lot of people back from the dead). As if all the usual stuff I beat myself up over wasn’t enough, I’m desperately trying to get a job before school starts next month, so I can finish my last year of grad school while still managing to eat and live indoors (which both me and my cat Romeo really like doing, imagine that)…anybody need a part-time library/archival assistant or legal secretary in the Boston area?

    Anyway, hopefully you’re feeling at least a little bit better by now–remember, when one person writes in (according to standard letter-to-the-editor rules of thumb), another 10 people are thinking the same exact thing), which means at least 3500 people think you rock harder than any leather-clad metalhead–although I’m thinking that rule may be off here and should probably be more like 100/1, which makes it more like 35,000 people–and hey, anyone who’s had two different books hit #1 on the NY Times Bestseller List is hardly small and insignificant, and that’s even before counting the effect you’ve had on so many people, or the wonderful job you and Victor are doing with Haley, or so many other things! Point being, we ALL feel small and insignificant and worthless sometimes, but as the saying goes, “you may be one person in the world, but to one person, you may be the world,” and I’d say you’ve got that one pretty well wrapped up (even if that is kind of an annoying platitude). Just remember: we all love you, even if we’re not on Twitter at O’God Thirty in the morning, OK? hug

  355. Thank you for putting words to that terrible feeling. Beautiful, descriptive words. You’re the best.

  356. Hi Jenny. I hope you are feeling better today. I just wanted to tell you that, even when you are feeling small, there are others who are grateful that you are with us, and that you write ridiculously well even when you don’t feel well. Yesterday someone on my FB feed asked me to participate in a game to celebrate National Book Week. And what book was closest to me at that moment? “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened.” And? My friend KNEW WHAT THE BOOK WAS just from one sentence on page 56. And there were no bears in the sentence. Awesome! Thanks. Feel better.

  357. You’re not alone! I felt small yesterday. With no reason at all to feel that way. I felt so insignificant. Invisible even. But this morning i refuse to be invisible. I’m pushing those feelings aside with all my might. Today is my first wedding anniversary. That’s not insignificant. That’s not small. That’s big. REALLY effing BIG. So I’m letting in the words of congratulations, trying hard to really feel those well wishes, and planning a great date with my guy. Because I know I’m not small to him 🙂 Sending some of our love your way. Even your smallest words are SO BIG to so many. thanks for sharing.

  358. Must have been in the air. My son had the same night and came down to sit on my lap and just be there.

  359. Jenny, each morning I swallow 2 pills. I try to maintain a regular sleeping and eating schedule. Due to my job, I get a reasonable amount of exercise each week. I read up on managing my health conditions and try to apply some of the practices. Yet, there are still days when being in my skin, locked up 24/7 with myself is nearly intolerable. But, like you, I grit teeth and drive around aimlessly looking, looking until I see, that the world is still the same wonderful, screwed up place it’s always been, and my skin starts to fit again, and I read or nap or wash dishes and the clock hands move enough and my brain quiets and I survive. Like you.

  360. We are all specks of dust swirling around our inner spark of light. I think that how planets formed too and sometimes that helps. You have gravity. You have others who orbit or fill your pull. Keep your spark shining.

  361. I think you’re right in that we all feel this way sometimes. You are very lucky to be so gifted with your words because some of those feelings are so hard to put into words. When I have these moments I am alone. Even if I’m not, I’m alone in my head and I can’t talk about it for fear of…confirmation, I guess. I love that you have this platform, this way to tell people, “I’m not OK right now” and so many people remind you how loved you are, how important and not at all insignificant you are. That is a beautiful gift, an amazing thing that you can be so proud of.

  362. Hang in there. It will get better even if it doesn’t feel like it. Your books are wonderful, by the way. Made me laugh so hard I needed painkillers but they were in the other room but I didn’t want to stop reading to get them but I finally had to. Reading after the painkillers was better. Recommended your book to lots of people. Lots.

  363. No, you are not alone. They definitely happen to me too. And you’re absolutely right; it does feel like you’ll never come to the end of what seems like a really long tunnel. Then you do, but that feeling lingers for a little while, which makes you doubt everything. But that’s why you have us and that’s why we have you 🙂

  364. Jenny, you bring A LOT of joy and sanity to our lives, the other members of this tribe you’ve brought together. And I’m certain you shine a light into Victor and Haley’s lives every single day. So to all of us, we look up to you; in our eyes, you’re bigger than us. You’re up there, you’re the sun and moon and stars. But while you’re there, you’re likely looking up as well. You’re looking up at the vast universe around you, feeling small. At best, we’re all hopefully the sun and moon and stars for someone else. And to the best of us, we’ll always feel like the galaxy is immense, and we’re tiny and powerless.

    I have those nights as well. They’re hard to predict and impossible to understand while you’re living them. So IF the above sounds polished and syrupy, just know it’s only because I was lucky enough to have not had one of those nights last night. But for all of us who struggle with mental illness, the universe is a vast, scary space.

    We love you Jenny!

  365. “I am small. But if that’s true then so, too, are my fears and doubts. They seem so large, but they live in me so they can’t be bigger than I am. I will win. By sheer volume. And I’ll keep repeating that to myself until I finally believe it, or until the morning comes. Whichever comes first.” I think you just saved my wedding from my demons. Thank you.

  366. There are no small notes in the symphony of the universe. If even one was missing, it would be a different song, and the less thereby. The notes just can’t see their part while they are in the song.

  367. I’m glad you all made it through the night, one of my friends didn’t. We’re all really lucky and I’m grateful for such an amazing group of people in one place. Thank you for bringing people together like you do, Jenny. You help so much more than you know <3

  368. Yes! Winning by sheer volume! My good friend’s mother just passed away at the same time as she started falling in love with a lovely man. She would talk a lot about how bizarre it was to have the huge feelings of grief and new love inside her all at once – it’s so weird to know there is that much space inside you for so many feelings.

  370. This happens ALL THE TIME. I always try to tell myself that it’s a good thing (help curbs an over-exaggerated sense of importance), but it is annoying and feels terrible and a little bit soul-crushing at times.

    The only good news? I think we all feel this way some times, and it does get better!

  371. Sometimes it’s best to just be. And wait. Wait to see what the next shift brings.

  372. Having an Alice in Wonderland moment?

    Look, you feel what you feel. It’s not a bad thing. It just is. I’d try to accept it. Embrace it. “Hey, you tiny thing you, let’s have a miniature tea party!”

  373. Listen…not that anything I will say will matter, but you are special. I only just discovered your blog, I’ve only read 3 posts (“Stop Judging me…”, “And that’s why you should learn to pick your battles,” and this one) and I swear I’m in love with you already. Your writing literally made me laugh out loud, which, though I type it all the time, I almost never do, and your words about social anxiety and depression spoke to that side of me, too. I know that my warm regard of you has zero impact on what depression is telling you, but y’know…for whatever it’s worth. You’re brightening the world. I’ve been suicidal twice in my life, and the humor of others was the only thing that eased the pain. I called Terry Pratchett books “my medicine.” I have no doubt that your blog is someone’s “medicine” right now.

  375. Good grief, child!! Of course you have all these battles in your mind!!! You are a fucking humongo-genius and bad things go through your mind because your mind has lots and lots more aisles to run through, like a corn maze! than 99% of the rest of us do!
    You’re remarkable. Truly remarkable. I wish you could just kick back when this shit courses through all your gyri & sulci and let it flow without worrying or being sad and anxious. Let it flow because you’ve got skills, Jenny!!!! And we’re here to catch them any time you throw us even the smallest crumbs of your geniosity!!

  376. I had a near-near death experience some years ago. And this rose into my mind “nothing matters and everything matters.” And then I felt this flood of delight course through me.
    So whenever I feel these dark nights of the soul, I remember those words and especially the feeling of delight. Sometimes it helps….

  377. Oh Jenny, if you feel small, then I am an insignificant dust mote. You have accomplished so much and you continue to do so. Your words are precious gems. Your humour and humility are awe inspiring. Your compassion and willingness to help strangers puts many of us to shame. If I didn’t love you so much I would be jealous of you. Hang tight.

  380. Reading about your experience helps me deal with my experience. Thank you.

  381. I was actually rolling along okay and then I had to go and do my self-eval for work today. Yeah, why did I think it was a good idea to do that on a Monday? I mean I guess I must have done at least one or two things right since I still have the job, but all I can see when i start filling out that form is a long, long, long list of all the things I do wrong. I guess the week can only get better? At least I hope.

  384. I have a meme that says, “Depression is like having an abusive relationship with yourself.” I know from my own experience where you are at, having been there too many times myself. I’m almost 55 years old and I am NOT where I thought I would be at this age. BUT I am able to be content with that fact because I have a loving husband (who is also clinically depressed; we literally are the reason the other won’t commit suicide); I have all of the “needs” in met in my life: food, shelter, safety. I have some “wants”, like a new Kindle Fire 5, which allows me to take my reading and some of my Internet game playing with me when I go out; I have my art supplies and the coloring books I am slowly filling up. And when I get into that small dark space, I try to remind myself that it is NOT the real place that I live. I am very thankful for my anti-depression meds. I need the chemical assistance or I’d have walked into the ocean a long time ago.
    I not only sympathize, I completely empathize with you. Keep reminding yourself that the feelings are just that: feelings. They are neither right nor wrong, they just exist. And by learning how to look at them and then let them go, move on to pleasant or positive feelings…you can come out of the dark. Lots of hugs for you. You make a difference in the world. “If you were not here, the Universe would miss you.” (Osho)

  385. I’ve been there, and I’m sure I will be there again. But, like you, I am still here. Because of you, and a few others I am still here.

  388. Wow. What an awesome post. You hit the nail on the head. We all feel like this at times and it is frustrating and scary, but the sun comes up the next day and things are a little better. 🙂 Thanks for putting our fears and worries into such eloquent words.

  389. Me too, girl. Me too. Two in a row and I feel another coming on tonight.

  391. If you don’t like these thoughts just ignore them, but I’ve come to believe that love is the only thing that’s real. Just like depression lies, fear and smallness is a lie. Feeling like the smallest or the worst is actually ego in reverse. It’s a form of narcissism, if you think about it. I’m the worst is another version of I’m the best. When we are all actually pure love and we just need to remember that. The other negative stuff is just human illusion. Love, H

  392. I just want to add to qualify on my comment #392- those things have helped me personally a lot lately, so I wanted to offer it in case in could help someone else. Obviously I do not mean to discount anyone’s suffering, and chemical imbalances are real and may require medication, etc. It’s just that I have been the meanest to myself inside my head and those things have made a big difference in my shift in perception. Xo

  393. “I am small. But if that’s true then so, too, are my fears and doubts. They seem so large, but they live in me so they can’t be bigger than I am. I will win.”

    You may be small, but like a small pebble dropped into water the ripples you leave are large and ever-expanding.

    Also, I nearly typed “nipples” instead of ripples. I hope yours aren’t ever expanding? That would be problematic. I think? But you’d probably learn to cope with it.

    Well this got awkward.

  395. No one, who has given so many candles to the rest of us in the dark, could ever be small. You are not alone, and Depression Lies- the most important lessons you’ve taught me. When I get low, I just keep reminding myself.. it lies, it lies, it lies.. until I can swim back out of that darkness and back into the sunshine. Thank you for your continued light. Sending Love and Light.

  396. Unfortunately, ditto, ditto, great day, ditto, great day…we keep working toward more great days than small days and nights. Thanks

  397. I hope today is better for you, Jenny. One of my favourite lines you write is “Click here to embiggen”. I hope like hell that you feel embiggened by all the comments you have received.

  398. Happens to me too. Ever tried a weighted blanket? I don’t have one yet but I pile every blanket I can find on top of me and the weight helps me feel grounded and not so floaty. Don’t know why but it works.

  399. I missed this last night. I’m glad you’re still here. You are loved!

  400. Here’s my favorite affirmation, from my badass roller skating teacher:
    “My top half is a beautiful cake decoration that rests perfectly on my big, fabulous bottom.”
    It’s meant to help you literally not fall on your ass, but…so much more.

  401. You embiggen us daily with your writing. I hope the love we’re all sending you embiggens you in return. You are a bright and shining star to us, thank you so much for your honesty. We are in this together, and we will outlast the dark.

  403. Hi, Jenny! Yes, this is normal. I think….maybe. Certainly normal for an astrophysicist.

    But trust me–i’ve had this “i’m too small for the universe to even care, to the point where the human race is non-existent on the universal scale. so what’s the point?” feeling more than once. (proof is in my blog….. post 1: http://fansquirrel.blogspot.com/2014/12/wtfthe-ultimate-question-of-life.html and post 2: http://fansquirrel.blogspot.com/2015/02/a-second-existential-crisis-scary.html ) and it’s okay. it just means that you’re capable of asking significant questions (at least in my opinion….)

    For more, here’s a link from a buddhism site: http://tinybuddha.com/blog/6-things-to-do-when-you-feel-small-insignificant/ and another from Universe Today: http://www.universetoday.com/103073/feeling-small-in-the-universe/

    i hope you’ll be able to achieve a little more enlightenment with this thought process! 😀

  404. Those of us who feel small often make the biggest difference, we care the most, we strive the hardest, we seek something more than creature comforts. “A fool thinks himself to be wise, but a wise man knows himself to be a fool [or small 🙂 ].” Shakespeare, except for that last part.

  405. To paraphrase Madeline L’Engle (A Wrinkle in Time): you are as small as the smallest farandolae inside a microscopic mitochondrion inside yourself, and as big as the biggest star in the biggest galaxy. We are all equally significant exactly where we are, and equally needed in the universe. At least, that’s what I try to remind myself when I feel that way.

  406. I’ve been trying to write something here for some time now, and all I can do is cry with a big lump in my throat. Your words so perfectly describe the feelings I’ve been having (and the tears I’ve been shedding) for the last week. This is all completely new to me, and frankly I’ve been scared that there was something wrong with me. Your words (and those of you beautiful people in the comments) have made me feel less alone, and less like a failure (at least for now, I can’t speak for tonight).

  408. “many people feel small, because they’re small and the universe it big, but I feel big, because my atoms came from those stars” Neil deGrasse Tyson said that.

    Some days I remember that better than others. I may be nothing on this earth, but I have greatness in me because I’m made of stars.

  409. You are BIG to me! Not like Andre the Giant was, but in the HUGE influence you’ve had in my life when it comes to dealing with these nights! Gonna return some of your own words back at you. Depression lies! You are not alone!

  410. You are more significant than you realize. We all are. But I know it’s hard to believe that on days like this. Keep fighting though, Beautiful, because you’ve made a difference in my life from afar for years and I appreciate it

    Hugs

  411. You are one of the most genuine, kind and funny writers I have ever come across. You influence thousands of people, and your impact in the Universe is much bigger than you realize. I hope you are feeling better today. These thoughts, I have them too. They’re no fun. But they’re normal.

  412. Sometimes, no matter how things are going in life, we feel overwhelmed. We feel that we aren’t big enough to handle it. That we don’t matter. The way you deal with it is a major defining character of a person.

    I’m still trying to deal with everything. I went to my first therapy appointment this morning. I broke down crying in front of a complete stranger. I’m still working on it. I think it’s something I’ll always be working on it.

  413. You are HUGELY and ENORMOUSLY and SIGNIFICANTLY important to all of us! HUGELY.

  414. Wow, that’s exactly how I feel on many days – too bright, too noisy. I wake up feeling nauseous, small and as fragile as spun glass and it only goes downhill from there. For me, it’s the night that I welcome. The setting of the sun and the gloaming comforts me like a refreshing velvety cool pool of calm.

  416. I’m having an ugly-cry-in-starbucks kind of night. The depression and anxiety are overwhelming me right now. This never happens during the day, no of course not. It’s at night when all those niggling thoughts band together to destroy your self worth.
    I hope your today was better. And thank you for writing this.

  417. Sigh. Not just nights I’m afraid. Days too lately. Someday the sunshine will reach my heart not just my skin.

  419. Jenny, it takes an abundance of courage to be true to oneself and you are a beacon of truth. Through your stunning artwork and courageous writings you help to beautifully spotlight the peaks and valleys of mental health issues, which in turn helps compassion and acceptance to grow and flourish in society where it at one point did not exist. The world NEEDS you. SO MUCH. You, to put it crudely but best, HAVE BALLS.

    From a place of empathy though, boy, do I know the hole you speak of. Hyper-criticism of myself started when I was growing up. I needed to be the stabilizing force in my family because I had a father who was an emotionally abusive alcoholic, also had an emotionally abusive step mother, and a drug addict sibling. That laid the ground work for hyper-criticism of oneself let me tell you! I worked on myself a bit through therapy but fuuuuuck, I have those days. My prior therapist advised me to do the dreaded “mood monitoring” and cognitive distortion analysis when I have moments like you do. As much as I hate doing those it alwaysssss helps. Please feel better soon, and take care of you. <3

  420. Pull up your boot straps and carry on potty mouth ~ You have like a zillion fans, a quirky husband who adores you, raccoons stuffed with God only knows what that continue to smile at you (or are they gritting their teeth, It’s such a fine line), a beautiful daughter that depends on you and secretly tweets that you are the greatest MoM in the universe! So send up another little prayer, pop on over it and do this! You and the Good Lawd got this ~ Carry ON!

  422. I have many-a-night like that myself- if it helps any, you were large enough with this post to totally put an eagles song in my head, and now I can’t get it out.

  423. When you’re weary, feeling small
    When tears are in your eyes, I’ll dry them all (all)
    I’m on your side, oh, when times get rough
    And friends just can’t be found
    Like a bridge over troubled water
    I will lay me down
    (we all feel small sometimes)

  425. i think it happens to everyone at some point in time, but those of us who suffer from depression feel it more intensely and it happens more frequently.

  426. When that happens to me I tell my thoughts to “shut the hell up I’m trying to sleep”. Then I put on some soft music or music I enjoy and I can’t her my thoughts anymore.

  427. this happens to me all the time. i’ve come to dub this circular thinking as being “everything and nothing at the same time.” too much yet not enough is so weird how you can feel both simultaneously.

  428. Hello out there. The moon, the stars, or one of the planets is fucking with our brain at the moment. A lot of “us” are feeling those feelings. Right now, I feel too ugly to be alive, but I know this will pass. I’m hoping anyway. Thank you for sharing <3

  430. Those nights suck. But for me the hardest thing is waking up day after day feeling like utter crap. “Maybe tomorrow I’ll have energy. Maybe tomorrow I’ll be able to be productive.” Eventually you start to think “Maybe I’ll never feel good again. Maybe this is all there is, now.” Am I living with chronic health problems, or merely existing? And if I’m merely existing, what’s the point?

  431. Most of us have those nights. And most of us don’t have 400+ people reassuring us we’re ok. So everyone who feels this way – remember, the comments are for you as much as for the bloggess. We all have each other’s backs, right?

    ok, time to cry a bit. But I”m ok.

  432. I had a similar kind of day Sunday. I only have piddling little part-time retail job as a bookseller right now but I’m trying to find a better job. I like being a bookseller, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t like WHERE (not yelling) I work nor do I make enough money to even be alive. I have a wonderful sister who lives in the Big City most of the time but comes here monthly and maintains a condo here near our mom, where she lets me stay. She’s amazing and kind and generous and supportive and I’m very grateful. Back to Sunday. I was SO DEPRESSED (my brain was obviously hating on me) that I simply could not face going into “people-y” work, could literally not face talking to them for 5 or 6 hours and I called in from the shopping center parking area, sobbing uncontrollably, to say I couldn’t make it in. I didn’t say why, just that there was a crisis of sorts and if explain more later in the week. I now worry I’ll get fired. I can’t be honest. But I wanted to let you know that one of the things that helped me survive the day was reading your blog (after 3-4 hours of just lying in bed crying and calling Medicaid nurse hotline). It made me laugh. Eventually I found a new show to watch on NF because I couldn’t find the energy to READ (I know!). I survived the day but feel hopeless as I have MDD + PD + GAD and I’m “treatment-resistant”. The only hope I have left is K therapy (which seems to be quite effective but not widely available and pharma can’t make $ from it so…) but I can’t afford it tho I’m still trying to figure out a way. Yesterday was better but I’m struggling again today. It’s my birthday and that fact makes me more depressed so, again, I’m checking out your blog. I loved Furiously Happy and I even carry spoons with me of different sizes. I’ve two great big ones (serving spoons?) for really bad days and I’ve used them as part of my humor-therapy and even have a specific funny story involving them. But I’ve gone on long enough. You might never see this, but if you do, please know YOU have helped ME. And your book is still selling at our store! 🙂 I wish I could be as highly functioning as you are; I started out on that path (even became a lawyer but that only made things worse-naturally). But you are so inspiring. Thank you for being you. For trying so hard to be “Furiously Happy”!!!

  433. You Are Huge (and only in the best way, not in any kind of “how did this happen?” way). All of the smallness DOES exist in you, and not the other way around. Depression is a lying MoFo, and I know you know it, because I wouldn’t know it if you hadn’t been the first to tell me so. I look forward to your recognition of you bigness, soon. Hell, maybe you’ve already moved into your bigness, and I just missed the post. I’ve been a bit AWOL lately.

  434. I feel like this too. I can be motoring along, feeling great, then “Wham!”, I’m small, insignificant, unimportant, a failure.
    You’re not alone. You make me feel better by just being there.
    Thank you.

  435. I like to block out these kinds of thoughts by listening to audiobooks in bed (using ear buds) until I fall asleep (and then wake up several hours later, confused about what is happening in the story playing in my ears).

  438. I’ve been feeling small for a few weeks now. I think it’s certain people in my life who make me feel the smallest. But they’re not people I want to live my life without either? So since I can’t cut out the triggers, this post and these comments are a wealth of coping mechanisms to deal with it. Thank you all <3

  440. Small is such a good word. My word on those nights is “irrelevant”. Like being on a conference call and voicing my opinion, confused that no matter what I do, my phone is always on mute. And then believing that I deserve to have a muted voice.

    Small is another great description.

    And yes, you will win, because you already have by writing about it.

  441. Thank you so much Jenny. I’ve been a devoted follower and fan for so long, and I can’t tell you how much your posts have been like a familiar friend to me over the years. You make me laugh until I snort and I beam to myself at the way you invite us in and we can all share our apparent weirdness, and then your searing honest posts about the hard days, these small days make me wish I could write my own feelings so well, as they are all too familiar…and more often than not really bloody timely.
    Once again everything hurts and feels hard right now and I feel so utterly pointless. Your post is like a lighthouse making me feel safe and less alone. Thank you, with love.
    See you and everyone else on the sunny side soon I hope 😌❤️

  442. You are so very significant to God, our creator. Made in His image and so very loved by Him. Psalms 139

  444. Oh my gosh, these are the words I’ve been looking for to describe the way I feel some evenings. I’ve felt this. Thank you. Thank you so much for putting that small feeling into words. Thank you.

    And you’re right: You will win.

  445. Yesterday evening was a dark evening for me. Your words helped me float through those dark, choppy waters. I’d say to myself “Depression lies?” And it, eventually, felt true. Thank you.

  446. No amount of reassurance can cure someone of those occasional nights, but I think I speak for a lot of us when I say you are certainly, absolutely, and definitely not alone. The fact that you’re able to open up about these things and then go so far as to share them with the world– all your vulnerabilities, all your doubts and fears and hurts and aches and pains and tears– that’s true strength.

    “Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened.”

    You may feel small, at times. But your light helps each and every one of us light our own whacky wicks. Then when you begin to feel small, we’ll gladly pour some of ourselves onto you to help build you back up, because we know you’d do the same for us.

    (That analogy actually came out kind of gross, but regardless… :P)

  447. You are not alone. I had one last night, too… where I felt like a total failure and was ruining life for everyone around me. Light of day made it fade but not disappear. Those assholes in my head are vocal, today.

  448. Hitching a ride on the “Me Too” train. I get this in cycles, and I’m just coming off of a rough few weeks where I ask myself, “Do I…matter?” and the only answer is silence.

    But if so many people feel this way, I can feel…okay…about having what appears to be a fairly common feeling. And there are People of Significance posting this feeling. And if People of Significance are feeling this way, and I know THEY’RE not small…then maybe I’m not so small, either.

    Maybe I do matter.

    So…thank you.

  450. Though I doubt you have time to read every insignificant comment posted here, I will leave this one anyway. I’ve had a bad couple weeks, exceptionally bad. I often times read your blog, but to say I am faithful in my reading would be a lie, as I am not faithful to social media on any level. However, when I need encouragement that I am not the only one that feels this way (bad sometimes that is) sometimes I come here, you seem to “get me”, so to speak. Often times it’s as though you read my mind then you share it, LOL! I know that’s not true of course, as I am NOT delusional, though I was in fact informed by someone close to me, someone I love dearly this week I am in fact, “delusional” and the words cut like a knife and sent me straight back to a deep dark place I hate being. One I often times feel I have crawled out of, but then find myself returning to unfortunately due to the hurtful words others lazily throw out in their assessment of me. But, I am trudging on, as I have many other wonderful people in my life who do not not share these opinions or assessments if you will. I have to keep reminding myself this part, and I often do not believe it, but I try to. Anyway, I’m way off track here, the whole reason for my damn here comment in the first place was to tell you this, I bought your book, Furiously Happy, this week during all of this and started to read it, at all places in the waiting room of a Psychiatrist office, surprisingly also NOT mine, lol. None the less, I was reading it and thought they might take me away I was laughing so hard. So, thank you, thank you for that, it’s the first time I have laughed in some time, truly laughed, and the first time in a couple weeks that I have felt like I just might wind up alright after all of this. Thank you for sharing such deeply personal feelings, in such a comical manner and helping in such an immense way! It helps others besides myself I am sure, and for you I will always be truly and “furiously happy” and grateful!

  451. I don’t know what makes something “normal,” but I’m pretty sure that feeling comes to a lot of people. I know it happens to me. And hopefully when that happens we can reach inside ourselves to remember that it’s wrong. You matter to us. Reading what you write brings me happiness, whimsy, distraction, understanding, community, and more but I’m tired of naming my feelings 🙂

  452. Been at this point a lot myself. Working through it with the Lord, blogging about it at myimpressionisticlife.blogspot.com. Wishing you the best. Hang in there and thanks for your honesty.

  454. Since I retired 2 years ago I have had a shitload of those nights. Retiring took away my sense of purpose, my self esteem. I felt as if I had failed my students and my colleagues. I felt like a failure. I still have those nights but I am getting better at being nicer to myself and realizing that I did my best everyday. Which is all any of us can do. We are all small. We are all Divine. We are everything and nothing.

  455. I love this post! Thank you! and Yes I have those nights..in fact many of those nights..just like you. You are not alone!

  457. This is not only the first time I have ever posted something, it is the first time I have looked at a blog. Virgin I fight daily with the voices constantly making feel small. Mostly as a failure in my motherhood.

  461. We’ll be small together and maybe use each other to feel taller. Sometimes you need to find that one or two or three people that are willing to boost you up. You rock and thanks for your honesty. It’s a reminder that we’re all rowing the same boat.

  462. I’m depressed again. I feel I am riding a carousel of emotions and that when I walk on the street I am surrounded by a desert bubble. Why do I have this strange compulsion to feel bad and like to listen to music that makes me worse? The words stick to my tired skin of living. I have everything and yet I am incomplete and very, very small.

    «Save me
    from this sadness it’s coming
    or take me
    before my smile it’s dissolving
    wake me
    from this nightmare i’m entering
    don’t let me fall in the corners of my own»

  463. “I am small. But if that’s true then so, too, are my fears and doubts. They seem so large, but they live in me so they can’t be bigger than I am. I will win. By sheer volume. And I’ll keep repeating that to myself until I finally believe it, or until the morning comes. Whichever comes first.”

    I love this so much. ♥︎

  464. Start using hemp oil along with other options as it is effective natural source with high-quality nutrients. Choose from the reputed brands only with lower levels of THC and higher CBD and check whether they have complete control on manufacturing process. Studies have proven that it is effective for reduce pain, brain development, mental balance, improve immunity etc. CW hemp hemp oil works well for me.

  465. Pingback: Untitled | prozacandtv

  466. I’ve been there for the past couple of days. It’s always in the back of my mind, but lately it’s been particularly acute and I don’t know what to do. Thank you for being out there.

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