Dead Duck Mystery SOLVED

Okay, first? Click here to read about the mystery dead duck I found at 2am in my bedroom last week.  Because last night we solved the mystery.  And live-tweeted a crafting night that will not soon be forgotten.  This is why twitter exists:

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So here’s what I’m thinking: Last year when I was on book tour I’d always come home with a suitcase full of long-dead gifted taxidermy and crocheted penises and haunted dolls and severed limbs and sometimes when I’m unpacking I don’t always have the energy to find a good place for these things and that’s why sometimes Victor opens a drawer and finds a unicorn horn or a bag of raccoon penises, but I suspect when I was unpacking all the drawers were full so I probably tucked the duckling in the fake flowers on my nightstand until I could find a safe place for her and then forgot she was there for a year until she fell out.

It’s anticlimactic, but so is life.

Maybe “anticlimactic” isn’t the right word.  I’m not a good judge of these things.

169 thoughts on “Dead Duck Mystery SOLVED

Read comments below or add one.

  1. My favorite pic in this post is the one with Hunter S. SO NOT paying attention to the shenanigans taking place on the counter next to him. That cat has seen some weird shit. Love Her Duckness.

  2. You make me consider setting up a Twitter account. Then I think, I already waste too much time online when I should be doing other things. Then again, it would give me something to do while sitting in car rider line waiting for my kids after school to keep me from killing the stupid people. 😀

  3. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

    I think I might type out all the twitter statements in different fonts and make a collage to frame and hang. All the exchanges are hysterical!

  4. That was a highly enjoyable evening of mystery-duck-goat-pube-hot-glue action. Words one never expects to write together unless one is a devotee of The Bloggess. I look forward to your next mystery dead animal craft night. Can we call it Crafting with The Bloggess: The Re-Duckening?

  5. I so love you and I really should stop reading your blog at work, though if I get fired it would be worth it…

  6. If Twitter existed over 100 years ago, there would be no Sherlock. I wonder what Cumberbatch would be doing instead…

  7. I love that your autocorrect lets you typo dick instead of duck.

    You know it’s the opposite for the rest of us, right?

    And yes, I just used typo as a verb. Figured this was a safe enough place for it.

  8. This post made my day. My coworkers thought I was dying as I laugh-coughed through it (getting over a cold). But it was totally worth it!

  9. I’ve had a shitty week, very stressful. Reading this made me laugh out loud a lot! Thanks. I’m taking Furiously Happy with me on my trip tomorrow.

  10. Thanks so much for this. Today is my birthday and I feel the universe has been conspiring to cause me to have the WORST BIRTHDAY EVER. This made me laugh which I needed.

  11. If “anticlimactic” is how you spell “hilarious and genius” then that’s totally the word you were looking for.

    Best 18th C duckling ever.

  12. I would say I’ll sleep better after the solving of this mystery, but I’m pretty sure I’m actually going to have nightmares. I’m traveling this weekend. I sincerely hope I don’t come across arms or other dead things in my suitcase. Actually, you know I’m just saying that because I know I won’t, and I’m trying not to build up my hopes.

  13. First time I laughed this hard at your shenanigans was when the bitey rattlesnake went missing.

  14. we’re driving from Texas to Florida. stopped in BFE, Louisiana for a potty break, and now I’m cackling reading this.

    thank you, thank you, never change.

  15. I am so thankful for having you now, Jenny, in this age of social internet. Had you been born a hundred years ago, they would have locked you up and we never would have been able to enjoy your Pure Genius! Love you!!!!!!

  16. This has been extremely amusing and educational. However, I did for some reason immediately think “man, I wish I’d had my kids like that”. Like someone used my uterus as a safe place (man, bad judgment there DH) and I forgot about them for 9 months and they fell out. Also…why would butt or pubic hair automatically be less desirable?

  17. That’s it, I’m moving in with you. You lead a much more exciting life than I do. Bonus, I can bring loads of all kinds of craft type things, I can cook, I can bring my big kid who trained as a pastry chef and I promise not to question any home decor choices.

  18. The best part of this is that MadreLoca didn’t just give you a taxidermied duckling but a complete adventure full of discovering and then crafting with Mallard Antoinette! LOVE it!

  19. I am legit curious what a bag of raccoon penises looks like. Well, I mean, I’m guessing the bag is just a regular bag. Unless there’s a special raccoon penis bag fashion line. And if there is, then, obviously, I want to see that, too. My original point was that I want to know what a bunch of detached raccoon penises looks like. Like, are they little? Are they striped? Do they look like little bank robber penises? I know. This makes me creepy. But you know what? Not as creepy as the person who owns the specially-crafted bag of raccoon penises. So, yeah, I win? I think? I have no fucking clue anymore.

  20. That was hands down the best dead duck gets a wig with a ship on it that I’ve ever read in all my life. This should be a children’s book. Except without all the dead and face stabbing. You know what? Never mind.

  21. I would like to announce that I am bookmarking this for down days because it is my favorite thing EVER and I just bought my first house. Sort of. I got a mortgage, at least. I won’t close until next month. I might print this and frame it somewhere. What kind of printer best prints out pictures of dead ducks wearing ships on top of goat (maybe pubic) hair? Because quality is important.

  22. OMG! I read the tweets last night, but it’s so much better uninterrupted. I’m so glad you all are my friends. I’ll be laughing for no reason for the rest of the day.

  23. Thank you!!! for the most fun I have had all day!! Those quotes, both in and out of context have made my day! I needed that. My co-workers think I’m even crazier than they already did. But it was worth it.

    (Did this make anyone else curious as to what Hot Goat Hair smells like? No, just me. Ok)

  24. My kid has surgery yesterday and although he’s home now, he’s being a big baby. I mean, holding his neck, being crabby, etc. I literally bought him a puppy to make him feel better and now I’m trying to get him to do homework before I send him back to school and I have to go back to work. I’m going to get a duck tomorrow on my lunch break. May or may not be dead and I blame you, Bloggess. I needed this laugh!

  25. I thought that duck looked familiar. I sat behind her and her family at Vroman’s. She’s lookin’ good. I like her new alter-ego: Marie Quacktoinette.

    See how boring your life would be if Hailey never knocked shit over? Your daughter deserves Kudos (and maybe a little bonus in her allowance this week) for setting this one in motion!

  26. Okay. Maybe it is the English teacher in me, but I don’t think you would call the wig a “goat wig,” as it was crafted for a duck. Therefore and heretofore (I have no idea what I’m saying now), the tweet with the wig glued to your finger is factually inaccurate. Love all of it, too.

  27. I’m currently dealing with accepting my dog’s cancer prognosis (not good), and this entire post made me smile and laugh when I didn’t believe I could. Thank you.

  28. OMG I’m in tears!!! LMAO!! I was having such a down day, and then THIS. Freakin’ awesome (you and your awesome little duck) 😀

  29. I’m most impressed by the fact that you had a duckling-sized toy ship lying around. Because you never know when you’ll need one…My luck, I’d have a robin-sized toy ship and that would be ALL WRONG…

  30. I can totally see how you could forget about your pube-goat-hair-wigged duck. I’ve stuck lots of stuff somewhere and forgotten. Clothing, liquor, phones, keys, food, glasses, friends, cars, gas caps, bills, tickets, receipts, a child once (and she was found totally fine btw).

  31. Like so many, I read this all on Twitter last night and laughed my as s off. I didn’t think it could get any better. I was wrong. @theologies for the win.

  32. I want to see you and April whatever her last name is but she does cartoon voices and ran the weird shit on Etsy blog for a long time. I would pay actual money to see you two hang out and do “crafts” and humourous non-sense.

  33. Ah, The Mystery of the Dead Duckling in the Nighttime, solved at last. By the way, what do the airline inspection people say when you pass through inspection with bags of dead things, fake nipples, and other oddments? Just wondering…

  34. I am laughing so loud right now…i’m still at work though so all the loud is on the inside and it’s a little painful…thank you for you!

  35. I don’t laugh out loud when I’m by myself, especially when I feel so sick like I do now, but this made me laugh so hard that I scared the cats and tears ran down my…legs.

  36. As the owner of many goats on Quirky Goat Farm, I can testify that goats do NOT have long pubic hair. That looks like Angora goat hair. From the body of the goat, not the pudenda.

  37. My fave part was whoever said they can brand sheep because they aren’t made of goats. Literal snort.

  38. Omg you NEED to have a dressed dead animal fashion show so we can see all of your animals and outfits. You can call it Ducks and Designs or Taxidermy and Tiaras

  39. Omg, I’ve been really ill for basically a year and FINALLY got diagnosed with MS through MRI brain lesions whilst I wore a Hannibal Lecter mask. I read your books, I swear I love all of your adventures and mishaps. Your blog always puts a smile on my face and I literally can’t wait for the new coloring book and your other new book coming out. Thank you for cheering me up through this really shitty year!! You are GREAT!

  40. Ah man, now I’m double-annoyed that my tonsils & I were at war last year: I missed your Vromans booktour-stop AND the gifting of this elegant duckling by proxy. 🙁

  41. Well. This is absolutely the most excitement I’ve had in months! So sorry that I missed it live! omg I’m still laughing LOL

  42. I probably should not mention this, but as a birder and a proud member of the Facebook Bird Misidentification Page, never ever try to learn about duck sex or duck penises. You will not be able to look at a duck again without cringing.

  43. This is your best blog since you told the airport employee to have a nice trip too. It should come with a warning to not read at work or in public.

  44. In the past I’ve said “I don’t get twitter,” and “I have no interest in twitter” and “why would I waste my time on twitter?” Just read this post. I take it all back. Signing up for a twitter account now.

  45. I raise angora goats, and that is definitely mohair, which comes from angora goats. The best way to use mohair as hair for a wig is to use a felting needle.

    If you want one, let me know, I’ll mail you one. Along with some mo mohair.

  46. “How do they brand sheep and not have them go up in a flaming poof?” This is even funnier if you know the British definition of “poof”.

  47. Thank you Karen for the duck penis warning. Of course I googled it and now will not sleep for many hours.

  48. I don’t have a fingerprint on my left index finger due to an ugly glue gun accident. which is exactly why The Viking won’t let me have a blow torch or a flame thrower. Apparently I need supervision.

  49. I clearly don’t tweet enough. Been avoiding because I keep getting push notifications highlighting Trump”s tweets and I don’t care.
    Now if these notices read along the lines of @thebloggess glues goat hair to fingers. Includes pictures, I’d have dropped everything else.

  50. Oh my god, Beaky with the good hair just made me snort laugh. My 21 year-old does not appreciate this post, but I do. So, so much.

  51. BEST. POST. EVER. Now I wish i was on twitter. Mallard Antoinette, awesome! Let them eat breadcrumbs! Vive la reine des canards!

  52. I want to know why, out of ALL of this the only thing that showed up on my Twitter feed was basically – don’t microwave glue sticks. I’m a teacher. I figured that one out a long time ago and I thought – thank you for the useful reminder – how did she know Chicago was so hot it was basically melting all of our crayons and glue sticks and making life miserable in my non-airconditioned school? The children may even be turning into melted water glue sticks instead of becoming Twitter educated… but I had no knowledge AT ALL of dead ducks, goat pubes, or cool craft nights. Thank goodness for the blog bc Twitter clearly hates me and wants me to remain ignorant!

    I still appreciate the reminder on glue sticks, though…and crayons…and pencils…and children… they all melt. I saw it today in my various classrooms.

  53. Thank you so much, I needed that laugh! That’s about how all my crafting/domestic skills go down!!!

  54. I learned about animal anatomy, crafts, AND history – it’s like a Discovery program brought to life…thanks for a very entertaining series

  55. Okay, this is sooo not an anti-climax! Learning that celebs are just like us, in that they too forget to unpack after trips and have overful drawers, while also learning that at your house they are full of crocheted penises, severed limbs and other tributes lovingly bestowed by our weird tribe is the best.

    How strange is this horrible year so that the saga of the rediscovered dead duck and it’s goat hair Marie Antoinette wig is the sanest things I’ve read on the internet today?

  56. I probably shouldn’t chime in here, but I raise goats. I can tell you all about their pubic hair, and more. Like wayyyyy more. My husband would roll his eyes here – he hates in when I talk about that stuff, especially when I explain to people how I castrate them. The goats, not the husbands, I mean.

  57. I lost it at “Beaky with the good hair.” Also, how are all of you so damn clever? It would take me hours to come up with quips as perfect as these.

  58. Dear Bloggess,

    Nobody in this world can make me laugh the way you do. It must be love. Yes, yes – I LOVE YOU! Keep up the great work and remember that those of us “out here in the dark” love you to hell and back (even when you feel lost in the dark yourself).

  59. It’s entirely too warm over here and I should clean and get to therapy later, but I am glad I made my stop here. Your blog is hands-down becoming my favourite place to come and laugh my head off.

    Quack, quack, motherducker.

  60. It was essential I read to the end. I am still not sure why people give you dead animals, but I’m sure I’ll catch up. I was a little worried about why you had it in the first place. The real bonus at the end was when you referred to ducky as ‘her’. Is it only the wig that has her calling it her, or do you know something the pictures don’t reveal?

  61. I’m so glad you posted this! I followed the whole thing on Twitter – both the finding of the duck and the miraculous #CRAFTNIGHTBITCHES but was still left with questions:
    How did the duck get home unbeknownst to you?
    What did Hailey tipping over the flowers have to do with it?

    Your summary paragraph at the end has relieved my troubled mind.

  62. I might have to join Twitter just to follow you. I needed this laugh so so much. I love what you did with the duckling. Inspired.

  63. You’d THINK that goat/sheep p ubes would be less desirable, wouldn’t you? Nope. Urea is a very good mordant (chemical that makes dye bind to fibers) for wool/hair, so the urine stained wool/hair from that part of the critter has actually been sought after through the ages because it comes off the animal ready to dye. The more you know…

  64. Once again I am laughing my ass off at work. THANK YOU! Here I thought I was nuts making a Santa hat for a Smart Car. Nope – you can duckwalk this one. Next time try a craft glue.

  65. This was SO good! Really good – excellent really.
    And “Beaky with the good hair” totally WINS the internet. I spit out my water. Hooray for dead duck crafts!

  66. OK, I guess I am the only one who is curious as to why a vase of fake flowers is a good storage location for a dead duck.

  67. Mystery Dead Ducks and Crafts. It’s like one of those mystery dinner theater things. Except when this mystery gets solved (or not, the mystery is not the important part here), you get to take home a goat-ship-headed Marie Antoinette, sans life.

  68. Mix a little fabric softener with warm water, then wrap or rap it around a toothpick and let it dry overnight or use your blow dryer.

  69. Omg I’ve been sick as a dog for days not being able to move but this just made my whole life better. Thanks

  70. Perhaps Jenny HAS found her destiny in creating historically themed taxidemied animals. Would there be a market for this? Hell ya! Right in TheBloggess’ Shop.
    Go to Ireland to see the butt-spray-painted sheep!

  71. That is fantastic! I once dressed my chicken up as Marie Antoinette for a 4-H costume contest, only my chicken was alive and chicken heads cannot support a wig no matter how hard you try. Also live chickens will peck the hell out of you. It was a truly epic chicken wig too. Such a heartbreaking childhood experience.

  72. 1) I hope my friend Hazel has already read this, otherwise the message I’ve just sent her will confuse the hell out of her: ‘Was just reading about ducks and goats’ pubic hair and it reminded me – do you still have my craft shop loyalty card?’
    2) Matthew Hall – As I got to the final picture, I was totally thinking ‘Mallard Antoinette’. If I’d seen all this live on twitter, I would hate you for beating me to it. As it is, thank you for being there!
    3) How about a T-shirt with a picture of Mallard and the caption ‘DID YOU GIVE ME THIS DUCK?’

  73. You know how they send Earth stuff out into space, like music and literature to show the aliens all about us? This post needs to be on the next shipment.

  74. Ooh, I happen to own a tiny, tiny flatiron!!! I bought it in one of the many, many gifte shoppes you find in Colonial Williamsburg (not complaining, the gifte shoppes were among my favorite parts of the tours.) Let me know if you wanna borrow it for future dead duck wigs.

    He’s not so much pinin’ for the fjords as telling the masses to eat cake if they have no bread, I guess.

  75. It’s probably just me, but every time I see the full duck photos, I think, where the hell are that duck’s shoes!?

  76. No, no, no Dory. This totally should be a children’s book, face stabbing and all.

    (And reading this at 4:00 a.m. while trying to laugh quietly enough to not wake my house guest was really hard.)

  77. OMG I am DYING. I almost woke up the kids, from laughing. I also have bronchitis, so my laugh sounds like a 10 pack a day smoker with COPD and lung cancer.

    I freakin’ love you Jenny. I’m also jealous that my neighbor across the street knows you personally.

  78. Thank You for brightening my day. Is is weird that this brightened my day?
    Oh well. .. Who cares I laughed til I cried. Thanks again.

  79. Holy crap. After reading this, I wanted to comment that you need to write a book. Then I remembered that you already have written two hilarious and genuine books. Now I am wondering what I would do without your blog in my life, haha.

    Anyways, it’s good to know that the dead duck mystery has been solved!

  80. This right here is why I love the internet. It brings people together in times of crisis. And this has so much crisis. And crowdsourced real solutions. WE COULD RUN THE WORLD

    When I super-glue, I usually end up stuck to the bottle. I should really start with that part, because efficiency.

  81. My friend just linked me to this (well, to the first dead-duck post). This is the first time I’ve been introducted to The Bloggess, and I have to say, what an introduction!! Wow. This is hilarious. I can’t believe this is someone’s life!! Such an interesting adventure.

  82. Am I the only one who is baffled that you have miniature tall ships just lying around the house waiting to become 18th century duck wig enhancements? Or does one just accept the availability of such things as part of the Bloggess universe?

  83. You people (yes, all of you know who you are) are so damn amazing and I really needed the laugh from this post!! It’s been a rough September and I finally got my chance to catch up with TheBloggess…who has the best Tribe ever! Thanks everyone for being you.

  84. OMG. I am reading this while on a bus filled with 4 th grade students (who are watching Alvin and the chipmunks- most annoying choice possible) on our way to Sacramento for a field trip. I had to put sunglasses on to cover the tears of silent laughter rolling down my cheeks

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