September is a real bastard and should be treated with copious ferrets.

in Random Crap

September is an asshole.  I don’t why.  Maybe it’s the lack of sunlight or the end of summer or some sort of ancient curse, but regardless, it’s always a hard month to survive if you have depression.  I’ve pulled out my light therapy magic box but it’s not entirely enough so yesterday we went to the pet store so I could cover myself in medicinal ferrets. Unfortunately this pet store knows me so they were like, “ONE FERRET AT A TIME, LADY” and “WE WILL FRISK YOU WHEN YOU LEAVE” but one was enough to kickstart the happy.  It wasn’t quite strong enough though so we went to one of those zoos that’s not really a zoo because the animals are running around free and you just drive through and throw food at them.  It is one of my favorite things ever and not just because it’s hilarious to see Victor get mad about a traffic jam that consists entirely of ostriches who don’t give a fuck about where you have to go.

zebras

Even better, Victor isn’t entirely trusting of large wild animals so he yells, “OTHER SIDE OF THE CAR, FRANK.  I DON’T SUPPORT YOUR PANHANDLING” (he thinks they will listen better if he uses names) or “GET AWAY WITH YOUR BLACK DEMON EYES, LARRY.  I KNOW YOUR GAMES” as Hailey and I feed them and assure them he really doesn’t mean it.  Then he yells “I MEAN IT, LARRY.  AND I WANT MY SOUL BACK.”  But then eventually he’ll see some sort of animal with a limp or a missing horn and he’ll get all mushy and feed it and yell at the other animals about how awesome this broken animal is so that it will feel better about itself.  It’s basically how he wooed me and it totally worked.

"He's not missing a horn, Larry. HE'S A UNICORN." ~ Victor
“He’s not missing a horn, Larry. HE’S A DAMN UNICORN.” ~ Victor

We went at the end of the day so most of the animals were already full and sleepy but I did have an encounter with a zebra who was terrifying, derpy and noble all at once.

“Hey.”

"Knock knock motherfucker." This zebra has NO chill.
“Knock knock motherfucker.” This zebra has NO chill.
JESUS.
JESUS.

If you squint, his snout looks like a black panther, which is probably a very good defense if lions attack during the night.

We also met an emu (I think?) who reminded me that birds are our closest relations to dinosaurs and I fed him out of the bag while Victor reminded me that the almost-velociraptor probably wanted my meat sausages (which I thought was a gross because I don’t have a bag of penises, Victor, but then I figured out that he meant my delicious fingers) but I totally would have let this guy chew on my fingers because the smiles he gave me were worth everything.  And I’m sharing it with you because LOOK AT THIS FACE.

"Hello. I'm from the Dark Crystal. I'll just live in your nightmares from now on."
“Hello. I’m from the Dark Crystal. I’ll just live in your nightmares from now on.”
"JUST KIDDING! GIVE ME FOOD IN MY MOUTH HOLE PLEASE!"
“JUST KIDDING! I LOVE YOU GUYS!  PUT FOOD IN MY MOUTH HOLE PLEASE!”

thebloggessbird

And then I felt better.  And I’m sharing it so you will too.  Just remember that as dark as September gets there are ridiculous near-dinosaurs waiting to smile enormously as you hand-feed them.  And that’s worth sticking around for.

PS. You know when a guy is trying to be all suave and he lights two cigarettes for him and his honey?  Not as cool as you think it looks:

cigars

260 thoughts on “September is a real bastard and should be treated with copious ferrets.”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. You need to be careful of medicinal ferrets Jenny. Ferrets are used for influenza virus transmission studies. You want to make sure the pet store didn’t get a cheap litter from the local pharmaceutical company.
    Now I’m laughing that your hand is like a bag of dicks…

  3. It totally looks like he levitated the treats into his mouth himself. I think you should change the story to say that. “Count Olaf the Ostrich levitated the treats into his own mouth hole!”

  4. I needed this today, thanks for sharing! Sorry about the unreasonable ferret restriction

  5. I skimmed this post and learned that Victor told some wild animals to eat a bag of dicks. I’m AWESOME at context.

    Also, I hope September stops sucking so hard.

  9. I want a pet emu! Specifically that emu. He radiates joy (tempered with a dash of a sinister, threatening vibe,M which I’m cool with).

  12. August was like that for me. My job was eliminated by the client and I had two deaths in the family. I am happy you found something to lift your spirits. Thanks for sharing.

  13. are the emu treats levitating out of the bag in some of the pictures
    ?? and yes, petting and feeding small (and large- any size really) zoo animals is wonderful therapy!! Highly recommended.

    (He grabs it out of the bag and tosses it in the air and then grabs it midair. It’s how I want to eat everything from now on. Especially spaghetti. ~ Jenny)

  15. I was getting a case of the Septembeblues as well….I am vicariously cheered by your trip to the not-a-zoo. 🙂

  17. I needed this. I’ve been finding it’s not so much the month that’s an asshole so much as some of the people in it. Thank you for helping me cope, once again.

  18. Man, I really needed the Skeksis Emu today. Thank you for posting ridiculous pictures that I can’t help but smile at

  19. I laughed entirely too loud at work at the Dark Crystal comment. And then I realized that no one that works near me knows what Dark Crystal is. Trying to explain it was met with blank looks of “you are crazy lady”.

  20. Omg. My favourite post ever!! I was at an animal rescue yesterday doing the same thing with ferrets! You should also try pig feeding. They wag their tails and smack their lips and you can’t help but love them

  22. September is an evil month,but I am glad you were able to find a bit of happiness. Do ferrets make good pets?

  25. I 💗 Victor. I wish somebody loved me enough to take me on mental health adventures.

  26. Be wary of the dinosaur relations with beaks. I have an adorable young chicken who lovingly tried to take out my eye last week because it’s shiny and moves. I’m sporting an eye patch and putting goopy antibiotics in my eye 4 times a day. It’s as sexy as it sounds. Happy September!

  28. I completely agree about the September depression thing. What’s that about…add in , that my mom died last week…it’s been a rough couple of weeks to say the least…

  29. Thank you. It’s a bad month. It’s my Mom, Dad, and brother-in-law’s birthday month and they are all no longer with us. I’m in the middle of the “Week of Suck”, since their birthdays were close together. I’m trying to smile, trying to remember all the wonderful things but my tear ducts say, “Screw that”.

  30. Rereading all of Victor’s comments and thinking, “Wait. Isn’t SHE the wacky one?”

  31. oh wow. THAT’s why I’ve been so freakin depressed. on top of all the other things happening it is september. I forgot. Officially going to break out the light box now.

  32. I’ve been using my medicinal foster kittens in their maximum dosage. Unfortunately, I’ll be cut off on Wednesday when they go up for adoption. I guess I’ll need to find an emu.

    Love that Victor gives them names! Even though he’s always wrong, he definitely is a keeper. That zebra needs to up his flossing game.

  34. Before I read the caption on the first (not an) emu picture, I actually went and googled the Dark Crystal so I could warn you that that is actually a Skeksis (I couldn’t remember the name), NOT an emu. The Dark Crystal gave me nightmares for years, yet I love it still.

  35. I love September here in California. It’s the month where the weather thinks about maybe possibly not being so murderously hot any more, and you can start to count the weeks until the rain starts again and you can stop feeling guilty about watering your garden.

  37. Thank you Jenny! It’s been a trying day, and this made me honestly (not just virtually) LOL.

  38. September IS an asshole, and my depression has been just swamping me this month, but that Emu made me feel better. I’m stealing his (her) picture for when I need him (her).

  41. I had to get out my happy light too. Ugh September. I think I should visit birds at the pet store. They also know me and ask if I want another bird. Of course I do! Stupid question.

  43. First thing I thought of when I saw the emu picture was “you’re a mean one, Mr. Grinch!”

  44. LOVE. This post is a book in itself. For adults and kids, but especially for animals. Glad you’re feeling better and have a husband woos you. Brilliant!

  45. I read today, in a totally different but equally weird yet highly credible place, that a short 13,000 years ago on an island off New Zealand, there was a species of almost-human 3-foot-tall pigmies and a species of 6-foot tall emu-like birds. Carnivores. Let’s call them Terror Birds. Scientists believe that the Terror Birds probably ate the pigmies.

  46. I went to one of those once and I would now have no nose if there hadn’t been a glass car window between me and the ostrich. It was also fun to watch the monkeys tear the vinyl roof off the car ahead of us and whiz down their windshield.

  47. August kicked my ass (among all the little daily annoyances, my dad died and also the daycare that has been caring for my children for 3 years shut down unexpectedly), so I am relying on September to NOT be an asshole. Maybe I need some medicinal animals.

  50. well, drat. I’m so sorry you have the bummer 🙁 if it would help, at all… my birthday’s on the 28th. Not that we can get together for it (shakes fist at lack of transporter technology) but we can celebrate another year around the sun? Maybe?

  51. Everyone needs a smiling almost dinosaur and derpy zebra. Thank you. I would also like to commission you to title all of my.photos forever.

  52. That reminds me, I need to order a new bulb for my soul-saving light machine. Also, the zebra teeth startled the crap out of my when I clicked on it in Twitter. Thanks for the adrenalin boost, Jenny.

  57. This completely made my day. Thank you. Each picture made me laugh out loud louder than the previous one. My office floor thanks you, kind of. Maybe not.

  58. Jenny…I recognize this zebra and scary as FUCK EMU!!!! We took a family vacation to San Antonio and my ONLY stipulation was that I got to go in the drive thru safari and feed animals to my hearts content.

    Absolutely the BEST DAY EVER!!!!

    I was screaming with excitement, the kids were screaming about the drool on the windows, and my happy face was lit up for days. The Emu scared me and I was having NONE of their shenanigans. I was like “Satan…is that you???”

    Yes, this time of year is the worse for me too…but those zebras….DAMN IT!!! I need to go again.

  60. September is an ass because Mercury is in Retrograde. It wreaks havoc on my life at least 3 times a year. (4 in some cases) Im a Gemini but I know other signs are effected as well. My science strong fiance(we have been together 14 years) used to call me nuts. But we are getting married this year and he asked if I could make sure Mercury wasnt in retrograde. After all these years….he is unsure why are lives turn upside down during these periods.
    http://moonlinks.net/planets/mercury-retrograde/

  61. This is the best thing ever!!! I love that damn emu! Who knew they could emote so well? He should be on the stage. Can I please use one of those pictures for my FB profile pic?

  62. Bought a light box, used it religiously, praying it would work and nada. Just made me have more insomnia. March is my horrible month, so I feel you. May your ferrets be plentiful and your darkness short-lived!

  63. I went to a place like that once and ended up with goats jumping all over me. It was awesome. My husband didn’t quite know what to make of it, but, yeah, totally therapeutic and awesome.

    They also had rescue puppies for adoption but my husband wouldn’t let me take one home on the measly excuse that we didn’t know whether we’d be allowed to bring a puppy from Aruba to Massachusetts. Also the puppies weren’t quite old enough yet. Trivial details like that.

    Animals are so therapeutic.

  65. I have been on the verge of tears for the last three days. Now I know that I only need apply a medicinal ferret under each arm and dose myself liberally with semi-domesticated zoo animals that desire our penis fingers… I mean meat sausages.

  68. Thank you for this! I just got dumped (I’m pretty sure) by text (WTF?!?!) while I’m at work (turns out, that’s EXTRA shitty) and I really needed a cheering up. That emu is excellent.

  69. Curses on their wretched ferret limit!

    I do the same thing when I’m down and/or overwhelmed – head to the humane society where I volunteer and literally cover myself in kittens or pick the most scared animal and make them feel loved – WINS all around…

  70. This is wonderful and I love it!!! Also, that ostrich looks like Mr. Burns from the Simpsons. SMITHERS!!! GET ME MY PELLETS!!!

  71. I’m feeling it, too! I think it must have something to do with the changing light and shorter days? I don’t know. I applaud you for using local animal communities to self-treat. May need to make a trip to the pet store soon.

  72. I’m trapped in a windowless room (the 2nd one of the day). at the eye dr so my previous comment only makes partial sense. That bird is totally out of nightmares probably along w the zebras breath.

  73. if those are indeed wine corks they give you to feed the emu, I have THOUSANDS to get you clear through to September, 2020. I am not an alcoholic; my husband works at a winery. They also make champagne, but those are shaped like mushrooms and might be kind of choke-y.

  74. Please Add me to the September sure does SUCK❣List-
    I love that you went to the drive-thru “not a Zoo” and got these great animal pics. Best of All, thank you for sharing. 😊 Am battling my health, but am not Winning. October can’t get here soon enough…

  75. And here I thought I was living the dream last night when my husband presented me with a beaver skull that he had put some fake front teeth in to make it more authentically beaver-ish like. Now I find out that live animals are way more romantic AND interactive. You learn something new every day.

    Also, I think that zebra may need some dental work cause I think he’s got some serious cavities going on.

    Thanks for the chuckle as always! <3

  76. Well, September also just got terrifying – those Emu pictures scared the beejeezus out of me. Are you tossing the Emu the snacks or is he sucking them with his vacuum like neck into his mouth?

  77. Love this post!
    I found a place online where you can get fertile ostrich eggs for $125, but my partner isn’t enthused. I don’t understand her hesitation. She’s never going to find an ostrich for under $125…

  79. We have something similar here in Ontario called “African Lion Safari”. Its motto is “Go Wild!” which is ironic because you’re not allowed to roll your windows down, let alone feed the animals. Mostly because of the roaming lions and deranged monkeys who will rip the trim off your car. They have Jeeps painted like zebras which are used to “herd” the lions when they get too close to the cars, which is also ironic because I don’t think lions would like it much if the zebras got all superior like that in real life. It’s not a place I would go when I’m depressed–your safari park sounds much more footloose and fancy-free.

  80. even better than pet store ferrets are ones that belong to a friend that has just raked a big pile of leaves (or owns a ball pit) that you can watch them frisk about in – or join them!

  81. If there’s a regular zoo by you, have Hailey talk to the zookeepers. If she expresses wide eyed interest, you’ll possibly get a behind the scenes tour. At our zoo there’s a tiny pygmy goat that was found after a dead show and copious random animals that can’t be on display for some reason. I say Hailey because it’s always well behaved and cute kids that got behind the scenes. 🙂

    You are right though, september is the cruelest and most awful month. I always breathe deep halfway through october when maybe things are going to be alright again.

  83. Absolutely, positively, one hundred percent, exactly what I needed today. Fuckin’ September! Thank you, Jenny. Thank you.

  84. I was a student zookeeper for a while and the absolute best volunteer experience I had was essentially hugging the emus to desensitize them to people! It was a bit too hot for both of us and their feathers are really coarse, but they have squishy velociraptor feet that I got to poke (gently) and I would reward them afterwards with a shower from the hose 😀 Best hour of the day!

  87. I thought I was the only one who hates September! Glad to know that it’s not just me. But I always perk up in October, so I’m counting down the days! 🙂

  88. Aaaaaahhhh! I’m 40 years old and still scarred from seeing The Dark Crystal in the movie theater. I’ll have nightmares tonight. Also, invidentally my sister-in-law looks like the boy Gelfling with all the flowy dark hair.

  89. You need a therapy hedgehog. Seriously, best thing I’ve ever done for my anxiety, plus it’s a fucking hedgehog!

  90. Ferrets are too fast for me. They could go from relaxing in my arms to INSIDE MY BLOUSE AND DOWN MY PANT LEG!! in 3 seconds. I’m more of a Basset Hound puppy person. Slow and easily handled plus their ears are just so funny! So, while all of you are at the “Get Assaulted By A Ferret” table, I’ll be the lone figure laughing at the clumsy Basset Hound puppies.

  91. I am glad to have read this today. I always get hit from Mid-August through the first week of September. It’s strange, I no longer need to orient myself to the school calendar, yet I think that is what causes it. The whole “summer is fleeting and you did not have fun/accomplish anything/take a vacation,” sort of feeling. It’s weird especially since the last few years my vacations have been in September or October. I’m pretty sure I need to start scheduling something in August in the future.

  93. September is the month when my fall allergies kick in, but it’s still horribly hot outside. I hate September. October is the best month of the year, though. It’ll be here in less than 3 weeks.

  94. I once took my son to a free-range cat shelter to cheer him up after a good friend said she was moving out of state. I got attacked by a very angry cat who made 4 big holes in my leg with his teeth, through my jeans. Ended up on antibiotics for 2 weeks. AND it turned out that the friend was just playing an April Fool’s joke. I AM GLAD YOUR ANIMAL THERAPY TURNED OUT BETTER THAN MINE!

  97. Emus are terrifying. They are ratites, and though they look like a meme waiting to happen, they can kick you so hard they break your leg. You dodged a bullet, Jenny.

  99. If that’s the place north of San Antonio, a zebra has done the same thing to us both times we’ve gone. Tried to gnaw on my sideview mirror too! Or maybe it’s just a common zebra trait.

  100. Nothing better than a heap of baby ferrets to make you feel better! But as a close second, go back to Australia and snuggle with the Kangaroos and Emus at the Lone Pine Koala Sanctuary – they let you hold the Koalas again. I know because I did, and I cried. Because I’m a sap.

  101. Holy crap! I haven’t been to a zoo since forever. The last zoo I was at was a petting zoo. It was great until I wanted to buy it. Since then my kids have banned me from anything animal-related. True story. (I should probably tell you that I came home with goats once. Also, I can’t walk into a pet store without buying a puppy.)

  102. I’m pretty sure medicinal ferrets are a thing but you need to tell the pet store that medicinal ferrets only worked when applied in multiples.
    Or you could try to find a mystical chinchilla. Chinchillas are super groovy, poop less than ferrets and are less smelly than ferrets.
    Also, I’m pretty sure that Zebra was magical.

  105. Unicorn goat looks like he has the most awesomely badly cut bangs ever. IN A GOOD WAY, LARRY!

  106. Eeee…you are a brave and powerful woman to feed those greedy critters. I have horses who mug me for cookies similar to those pellets and they are much less scary than that zebra. Although the emu did look cheerful. Perhaps dwarf hedgehogs could be more safely substituted for ferrets, although with a bit of danger from their prickles.

  107. Your emu friend reminds me of a black swan named Trevor (that’s what we called him, anyway) who lived on the lake I lived next to during grad school. He was the only swan on the lake without a mate so he spent a lot of his time hanging out next to my flat’s kitchen window staring dolefully through the glass at my roommates and I until we gave him pity handouts. He was a crotchety old thing but he did let me skritch his neck a little once (FYI holy crap swans are SOFT) and that was a ray of friggin’ sunshine compared to my usual routine of getting hissed at by dozens of geese on my way to class.

  108. At first this looked really amazing, but then it got progressively more terrifying. Kind of like deciding to go out, and then seeing people… -shudders-

  109. We don’t have herds of ostriches blocking the road, but we do have a family of sandhill cranes that are practically as tall that love to wander out into the road, where they act like total assholes because they know they’re protected under state law. So they stand around and stare at drivers until someone finally gets tired of it and gets out and chases them out of the road. It’s totally awesome.

  110. Last time I want to a pet store for some medicinal animal therapy I came home with a cat. Love her bunches and don’t have to go out in bad weather to feel better. <3
    =^..^=

  114. I am guessing you were at Natural Bridges Wildlife Ranch, which is one of my favorite places on the entire Earth. I’ve been there many times. Equally awesome — and don’t make fun of the bizarre name — is the Exotic Resort Zoo in Johnson City. In some ways, it’s even more fun because you’re in an open-air wagon instead of a car. Both places are annual pilgrimages for my family. 🙂

  117. OMG. I am so glad I’m not the only one. September used to be my favorite month ever (birthday month) but now I hate it with all the energy I have left to hate things. Which isn’t much, when you’re depressed. Which I am. Plus in pain from autoimmune flares triggered by work stress, plus I got in a car accident this weekend.
    September sucks.

  118. I have been feeling the same way, I think it’s the damn mercury retrograde. At least partly.
    I just have to say thank you for being here and sharing the light and dark. Thank you for being you and spreading your light around to us even when it’s hard to feel it yourself. I’ve been neglecting checking your blog and doing so today and getting caught up both gave me serious things to look forward to (your book!!!) and lifted my spirits. I don’t know if any of us will ever be able to accurately convey to you just how much of a difference you make to each of us individually on our own journeys, but you have a bigger impact on us then we could ever let you know. P.S. I put your post with the drawing of your girl and the candelabras for hair on my tumblr, because it was almost eerie how much everything about that post spoke to me. (There is, of course, credit to you posted!) Thank you, Thank you for making a difference and a positive impact on my life.

  119. This made me laugh out loud so many times. And I don’t even find September particularly dickish.

  121. Kind of off topic, but I just really need to thank you Jenny for being so honestly and fully YOU. I can’t count how many times I’ve shared your posts with my amazing 16 year old daughter who suffers with depression, anxiety and bipolar disorder. You have made her feel so much less alone. She wants to be an author, and you are the idol who showed her she absolutely can do it! Love a very grateful Mom who adores you ❤

  122. Kind of off topic, but I just really need to thank you Jenny for being so honestly and fully YOU. I can’t count how many times I’ve shared your posts with my amazing 16 year old daughter who suffers with depression, anxiety and bipolar disorder. You have made her feel so much less alone. She wants to be an author, and you are the idol who showed her she absolutely can do it! Love a very grateful Mom who adores you ❤

  124. I love that Victor yells encouragement to the broken animals! Thank you for sharing the brightness : D.

  125. I needed this today. I literally just Googled, “does anxiety get worse in September.”

  126. WHAT?!!! September is the best month of the year! No more roast to death heat. You can sleep at night with clothing and covers on and not fear that you’ll have to run outside naked in an emergency and all your neighbours will see you. September is the month I get my sanity back after not sleeping well all summer due to the horrible heat. I LOVE SEPTEMBER and I’m not happy you are bullying it.

  127. Sorry to hear September sucks for so many people; for me it is the beginning of happy-ish season, which lasts through to about mid-January if I am lucky. For me, each month sort of has a color palette and a mood to go along with it, and September is golden yellow, lavender and sky blue, which are pretty, happy colors. Even when I get sad in September, I think of the pretty colors and I feel better. I hope things get better for everyone who’s feeling down.

    …Now I feel like I want to go paint something with September colors…

  128. Loved this post Jenny. I hate September, it is my birthday, and who wants to get older right? It reminded me of something my hubby and I did once… We are Aussies, emus are normal to (some) of us. We were visiting my mother at a cotton farm way out West Queensland. It was as dull as dishwater. One day, we saw some emus and for fun (yes, we were that bored) we went out and chased them. No hope on catching them, and we would have shit ourselves if they turned on us because they can be nasty. But it was a fun half hour I will always remember. Makes me laugh because I have no hope in running after emus nowdays. Lets hope September gets better.

  129. Ferret therapy is the best! Especially if you bathe them. Our ferret, Snert, was an absolute blast for an hour after a bath until he wore himself out and passed out under the couch

  131. Yes, Please.
    The Zebra.
    No, wait…
    The Ostrich thing…
    No.
    Definitely the Unicorn.
    His name wasn’t Larry, tho, was it?
    I can fix a broken Larry.

  132. I loved that zebra until I saw his dental hygiene (or lack of). And the furiously happy look on that emu is priceless! Thanks so much for sharing this with us.

  133. Thank you for this post. Despite my meds, I have been having suicidal thoughts several times a day, EVERYDAY for a couple of weeks now and I just couldn’t figure out what happened to spark the change. I’m usually severely depressed on or around my birthday every year, but could never figure out why. Thank you for shedding light on a potential cause. I love you so much!

  134. Sorry about September. It’s my favorite month, so I didn’t realize other people had trouble with it. But it does explain why my best friend has climbed into a deep dark hole, even though I keep prodding him to come out. You guessed it, depression. I’ll have to see if there’s a drive through zoo near him, or medicinal ferrets.

  135. Jenny! I need to know where this is located, immediately!! I need some happy emu interaction!!!

  136. Jenny!! I need to know where this is located, immediately! I need some happy emu interaction, stat!!!

  137. I love September. It’s another important reminder of the constancy of life. It doesn’t matter what goes wrong or how bad it can sometimes feel, the seasons change and the world keeps turning and we can jump back on as soon as we are ready.

  138. Emu! We met a guy at a local dog park the other day who was telling us he used to raise emus – a thousand at a time! I made the mistake of asking what their purpose was – meat and fat, it turns out – their fat can be distilled into medical-grade oils… TMI??? I like your smiling guy better. Yay for vegetarianism…

  139. OMG Im glad Im not the only one that goes to the pet store for medicinal animals. Mine is medincinal cats because they dont seem to have ferrets are my pet store. Now I want to go to african lion safari (its the canadian version of the zoo you visited).

  143. Oh, Hun, an Ostrich tried to eat me at that wildlife ranch! Stuck his big ‘ol face with that long ass neck right in my window and bit me! While scrambling to roll up my window and not be the bastards lunch, I accidentally threw my phone and it took a picture of my car floor!
    Feeding the nice donkey was fun though!

  144. Jenny, I’m pretty sure the problem with you and September is spelling. What you need are copulating ferrets. Understandable error.

  145. Oh, and the pretty little butterflies coming up from the south in ginormous, flocking amounts makes my mood soar. Standing in the parking lot at our local grocery chain (you know the one! Blue Bell!! AmIright?!?) just staring at them fly by and people are like “What the Hell is her freak on about?” Fuck ’em! I do me, you do you,PEOPLE STARING!!

  148. My birthday is actually in September. But it’s only on the 2nd, so that makes the whole month of September seem like some sort of vestigial tail dragging behind my birthday…so, yeah, I see what you mean! Plus, it’s the last month you have to get through before you reach the ULTIMATE MONTH OF SPOOKINESS, October! 😀

  149. September has become an asshole. Today is the 6th anniversary of my Mom’s death, my snowbird of a father needs to get out of my hair and go back to FL as his anxiety disorder (untreated by choice) is exacerbating mine (more meds!), and the oil light on my vehicle keeps going on and off repeatedly just to be a dick. Not to mention the crazypants outfits I have to put together to manage the bipolar weather with my hot flashes! On the positive side work is awesome (started engineering a new sci-fi audiobook and it’s a gem), neighbor got a new puppy I can play/cuddle/giggle with, and I have Friday off. I won’t be visiting the emu at the farm down the road as it’s a mean bastard, though his mate looks perfectly pleasant. Too bad he won’t let anyone near her (dickmu!) You never fail to make me smile, thanks Jenny 💋

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  151. thank you for saving my Monday…it had been suckolicious until I saw your photos and was brought to my arthritic knees with laughter! Rock it Jenny, you are never alone on this weird ass journey…though I still think ferrets stink of butthole…just sayin’

  152. Thank you my dear Jenny. I needed all of that! September has been hard on me as well.. I also could use a “Victor” in my life. Does he have a brother?

  153. I’m one of those weird people who cheer up this time of year because I hate Summer. Fall weather gets me all excited.

  154. The week of my birthday there was so much bad news in the world that I decided to see an art exhibit every day that week. If I didn’t have a lot of time, I went to a gallery. I took a picture of my favorite from the exhibit, and shared it on Facebook with why I liked it, bought a card or postcard from the museum and sent it to someone else. It was such a wonderful way to remind myself that the beauty in the world is so much greater than the ugliness.

    I was having a rough week, but writing this down and being reminded has dramatically improved my outlook. Thank you for reminding me. I hope you continue to do the things that bring you joy.

  155. I love September…the first cool nights when I open all the windows and turn the AC off. The Amish folk here start selling pumpkins and apple dumplings at roadside farm stands, and for the first time in six months my hair is not doing the “watutsi” on my head due to the humidity. September brings out the sweatshirts and jeans, the pretty scarves, and a mighty fine atmosphere for a great book, a fireplace, and single malt scotch. Mmmmmmm

  156. Yes, that is an emu. But if you want a bird reminiscent of the dinosaurs, you need to google pictures of the Cassowary.

  157. Normally I love September, but so far it’s sucked. The latest is lice, and those fuckers will NOT GO THE FUCK AWAY. I’m trying so, so hard not to freak out that there are BUGS IN MY HAIR, but it’s not working very well. (This is, of course, on top of washing everything and attempting to comb everything out of my son’s very curly hair and not getting much help with my past-shoulder-length hair.)

  158. So, apparently Mercury is in retrograde which fucks people up. I don’t know, whatever. I don’t live very far from you and I feel like I REALLY REALLY need a close encounter with a zebra. Please, I beg of you, please tell me where this drive by zoo is. Not that you “drive by” the animals, ’cause I’m not into those hunting parks. If “drive by” meant hand out food and take pictures, the world would be a much happier place.

  163. OK, I totally want to go to that zoo place. Because I want to feed the animals. and take pictures. and not get eaten by an emu. But that zebra pic though is awesome!

  165. Thanks for the laughs. Medicinal critters of any sort are good. Well, maybe not medicinal cockroaches.

  167. I always feel better after playing with or watching ferrets. Bonus, I don’t have to go to a pet store to enjoy. I have six. 😀

    They’re like potato chips, ya can’t have just one!

  168. The darkness has descended here, as well. Literally, I’m afraid—it gets so dark here & stays so dark for so long that I literally do no know how I’m going to make it through the seemingly endless dark winter. (This is only our third year living here & I, very literally, seriously struggle to live until light arrives again in April.) It sucks scissors seriously.

    Thank you for sharing your amazing adventure with us!

  169. We once went to a petting zoo for animal therapy and a Llama totally spit in my daughter’s face, so it didn’t have the desired effect. I’m sure she would have been much happier at your zoo.

  170. February is worse than September…to me, Sep ain’t STOP and it ain’t GO, it’s the dern yellow in a stop light…

  173. I thought I was the only one who dreads September. I have always hated the fall, and feel like I need to turn in my “White Girl from New England” card because of it.

  174. That first emu-pic scared the crap out of me. Like he wants to reach through the screen and eat my soul. But he can’t have it. I’m saving it for the Winchester-boys.

    I’m actually looking forward to the autumn. I don’t like the heat, and we have summer’s last flareup over here, so it’s going to be about 30 degrees Celsius, about 86 degrees Fahrenheit. Fun times… wilts

  175. September has always been a happy month for me because I have always loved autumn and winter, but this September I’m about to descend into a relatively isolated time of the year, feeling the worst I’ve felt in years and it’s scary.

    I read this whilst sitting on the floor of the bathroom at work, crying for what feels like the umpteenth day in a row though and you made me chuckle through the tears. I’d just like to say thanks for that!

  177. I totally needed that! My September is sucking pretty bad, too! Where is that drive through zoo? I want to go!
    The “bag of dicks” makes me think of the TV show Supernatural. They use that line and like to say “dick” a lot. Today (September 13) is Supernatural day. (Awesome show to binge on Netflix if you’re needing something to watch.) Now add that to more totally random crap!

  178. This is all kinds of awesome and smiles. Thank you! Great pics and the captions are hilarious.

  179. Oh how fun! We have a park that you can drive through here with the animals out like that, but I don’t know if you can feed them. That would be fun.

  181. Thank you for the ride through the animal park. I needed that this morning, along with the visual of “a bag full of penises”. My husband has issues with goat eyes as well. He calls them “creepy”. LMAO!

    Usually September is a decent month for us, but I live in Florida so we have sunshine most of the time. It’s also my mark that soon we will have Fall, cooler weather and Halloween. This year is a little different & stressful… starting to plan the daughter’s wedding, starting our own business (which includes going to a SciFi convention the last weekend of October as a vendor) while I work full time. Can anyone say recipe for migraines and anxiety attacks? Fun times folks, fun times.

    Thankfully I have this safe place to go to for a laugh & perspective. <3

  183. Your post made my September better. Of course I now remember that I am old enough to have seen The Dark Crystal in the actual movie theater.

  184. Speaking of cuddly animals, did you know that a) there’s a sloth calendar? http://www.urbanoutfitters.com/urban/catalog/productdetail.jsp?id=40338709&category=A-NEW-BOOKS and b) there’s a book about sloth love? http://www.urbanoutfitters.com/urban/catalog/productdetail.jsp?id=40765265&category=A-NEW-BOOKS

    Bob Bakker ends his book with (paraphrased), “Every fall I look up at the geese in the sky and think, ‘Oh, look, the dinosaurs are migrating south again’.” 😉

  187. I thoroughly enjoy a random Dark Crystal reference…”I’m not going to eat you, I’m just going to drain your living essence.” That film of Muppet nightmares used to play on a constant loop at my childhood home and people wonder why I grew up weird.

  188. I get this! Sept means days are getting shorter and just seeing pools closed up makes me sad. I have SAD and use a light but I need real day light. Maybe Alaska….or some ferrets..

  189. Thanks so much. September is nasty. Here in Canada the minute I turn the calendar page to September it gets cool. I think there’s a link there, and maybe I should lobby to have September deleted from calendars. BTW, I’m starting to love your husband….

  190. OH! Also, if you’re ever visiting London I think this place may be right up your street! It’s so gross, macabre and pretty weird … but there are so many stuffed animals (inc a “mermaid” and squirrels playing cards …) and a lion skeleton … it might just interest you! (They also had a petting zoo with millipedes, lizards and snakes when we went :D)

    The Viktor Wynd Museum of Curiosities: http://www.thelasttuesdaysociety.org/museum-curiosities/viktor-wynd-museum/inside-museum/#.V9gYVvkrLRY

  191. Let’s be honest here, ferret while cute and cuddly are a smelly critter. While the zebra and emu are safely downwind of the car so who cares what they smell like. Thanks to for this tip to reduce the September Blues.

  192. Thank you for the reminder. For me, September means my brain can function again and my sanity returns (i.e., cooler weather). But for some of my most beloved people, it can mean the opposite.

  193. You know what’s magic, Jenny? You are. You’re a fucking magician AND a unicorn. DOUBLE MAGIC. Teach me your ways, Master.

  194. September is a weird month. Maybe it makes me too hopeful? The heat must pass soon, right? And the transition back to “normal” life after a teacher’s (guy I am married to) and work-from-homer’s (myself) summer with kids underfoot should be welcome. Yet the heat remains, and transitions suck ass…I am really bad at them. So, yeah, September is a sneaky bastard because I expect it to be awesome, or something like that.

  195. One of my favorite photos of my late (then 89-year-old) mother was taken at The Exotic Resort Zoo in Johnson City here in the Texas Hill Country. We rode in an open air tram pulled by a tractor and the animals surrounded us like they did with you. I took the photo of my mother just as Omar the Camel stuck his head inside, peering over my mother’s shoulder. She was unaware of it at that moment and looked very calm, as if it were the most natural thing in the world. (Like covering yourself in ferrets.) Even after she realized Omar was that close, she didn’t freak out. She offered him some food pellets from our bucket, which he took, being the gentleman that he was. When I was a kid, I wanted a white rat but my mother said no. Should have asked for a camel.

  196. That emu doesn’t want to nom on your bag of penises he wants to EAT YOUR SOUL. Or something else equally terrifying!!!

  199. Me and the Emu make the EXACT same faces when we are presented with food. This is a great post and made me perk up and smile/laugh at work. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

  200. I could use some medicinal ferrets right now. Even if they do make me sneeze.
    Sneezing would be a completely acceptable side-effect if it took away my lingering pre-migraine aura.

  201. Jenny, I read your book, “Let’s pretend this never happened” and laughed my head off (not literally) and can’t wait to get your next one! I love your blogs now too! I was going to be de-pressed this Sept. but decided not to thanks to you! ha ha My daughter’s birthday is Sept. 11th too, so I had to cheer her up also! We have a ‘drive thru animal place here too, and it is really fun and weird, but it was depressing to see the tigers all caged up in a tiny cage!
    “medicinal Ferrets??” hmmm haven’t tried that one yet….
    love ya, and keep writing! I also decided to dye my hair pink to celebrate winter.

  202. I am not even an animal lover ( stop throwing things at me…some of us aren’t)- and I laughed out loud reading this. In this case, I love animals, because you made me.

  203. Jenny, I don’t know how else to communicate with you so I am leaving a comment here. I have been broken all of my life – have had serious depression since I was a child, along with other mental health issues, although much of the time I have coped and functioned and put on a good front. I mostly feel alone. I just found your books at the library a couple of weeks ago and binge-read both of them. It is not easy for a book to make me laugh out loud, but yours did several times. I don’t usually buy books for space and financial reasons, but I am going to order both of yours. In hardback. I am working my way through your older blog posts, and I check daily to see if you have put up a new one. The thing is, if you can be as broken as I am and still be so clever and witty and make so many people laugh and feel better, then I can find more humor in my life as well. Already you are having an effect on me, and arising spontaneously in me are amusing little thoughts and comments on challenging situations in my life. Even made someone laugh recently. Maybe if I keep hanging out with your writing some of your talent for finding humor will rub off on me and that will bring more laughter to the world. What could be better than that? Thank you for all you do. And I love that emu face!

  204. November is my September. November is an asshole. A soul sucking, dark spiral of doom that is only made a tiny bit better by the fact that Thanksgiving is at the end of the month, so there’s a huge dinner. I hate November. Every. Fucking. Year.

  205. Enola (comment #203), if you are on twitter follow Jenny @TheBloggess and find her tribe at #TheBloggessTribe and #bloggessgang. We help each other out when depression starts lying to us. You’re not alone.

  207. That’s an emu and they are, from what I understand they are very big feathery assholes.

    I was a chaperone once when my son’s class went to a local wild animal park kinda like this one. I had to shield a bunch of third graders from witnessing two kangaroos totally going at it and I had a camel slurp me from chin to the top of my head. That resulted in the LOVELIEST hairdo.

  208. Yup, Emu. Thank your lucky stars it wasn’t a Cassowary, or you’d definitely be missing fingers.

  209. Does your light thingy really work do you feel, or tomething else you or a reader can recommend. I’ve been having a terrible month so far without any obvious reasons, and only now realised it’s been like that last year and the year before that too. So maybe I should try that light therapy cause I do hate the shorter, darker days. I just need to go easy on the money so I’m afraid to try a product I don’t know anything about…

  211. -burst out in happy “look-how-adorably-ugly-those-animals-are” laughs.
    I HAVE to stop reading your posts while on the children’s desk*”

    *I’m not actually on a child’s desk. I am a librarian and that’s how we say we are working in the childrens’ area.

  213. I find September wonderful normally. I love back to school so much I became a teacher. And I love fall weather starting.

    I’m feeling very low right now though because in four days my husband starts 2 months of on and off business travel. And there’s way more on than off. :(. I normally lose it after 3 DAYS of him gone… How the hell am I going to handle 2 MONTHS???

  214. Jenny, I’m sorry that September is a bad month for you, but glad that Victor understands your needs and looks for adventures that will make you feel a bit better. Unlike you, I don’t like animals much, and that emu is particularly menacing, especially in that first picture. It seems he’s thinking “you look delicious and I think you’ll fit into my giant maw, see…(next pic with beak wide open)” Ack! Run as fast as you can, but you’ll lose because emus are very fast. I think I’ll have nightmares tonight. Thanks a lot Jenny.

    Actually, I’ve always loved September. It’s time for school and I liked school, summer was boring for the most part, and it’s the start of autumn, my favorite season. I’d watch the leaves change on the different trees and try to remember from day to day how much each has changed. I wish I had a camera at the time. (Note to self: be sure to give granddaughter a small camera when she reaches school age). Years later we’d take our Girl Scouts camping in the fall and huddle around a campfire (now probably a fire pit), making s’mores and singing. There, now I’ve made myself feel better. Be gone evil emus of Texas!
    (I love you Jenny, even though you like creepy Australian prehistoric birds, that’s unconditional, baby.)

  215. What a great idea!!! where I live there are only two tiny zoos (and they’re rescue zoos which is nice), so relatively few animals and the one beaver at the better zoo is hardly ever visible bcz nocturnal, but THESE PHOTOS ARE HELPING, so thanks.

  216. Arionis….(comment #205) Thanks. That sounds really nice……….But I am not on Twitter and don’t even know what it is. I am too introverted, I guess, and too private to do facebook or any of those things. And I don’t actually have a smart phone. But thanks, anyway. 🙂

  218. Jenny, you make me laugh like no one else. thank you and please come to Boise, Idaho sometime.

  219. I love you. Thank you for knowing that September sucks and that I would need this. I mean, really it’s less September and more one jerk ruining a corner of the internet, but September’s not helping either. Anyway, thanks, Jenny! 🙂

  220. Thank you for sharing, I needed a smile after being under my duvet for two days hiding away from Life.xxx

  222. I have a fear of ostriches because one pecked my knee at the Cincinnati zoo in the early 70s. It only had one eye. The ostrich, not the zoo. As far as I know, the zoo is eyeless.

  223. As far as September goes, I always assumed I am anxious because another year is ending and all leaves will be gone and everything is bare and dead looking. I don’t mind once that is the case, but the process depresses me and makes me feel anxious.

  224. Ugh…I know what you mean. Last week I called to schedule an appt with my doctor because I’m feeling the walls close in. Up here in Washington State, by December, it’s dark here by 4:30 in the afternoon. I can feel the train coming….along with stressful holidays, kids back in school (which always affects me negatively). I have daydreams of packing everything up (with my husband and kids) and moving somewhere that I know no one. Seems like I’d feel less alone if I’m somewhere that no one knows me, rather than in a city that I know lots of people but feel ignored. UGGGGHHHHH.

  226. Okay, I have a couple of things to say here. I live in FL and we have one of these drive thru zoos as well. I am shocked that they let you feed them from the car. Goats are one thing, but to feed the giant ostrich bird thing? They are evil and would poke your eye out or perhaps sever a few fingers. Your zoo drive thru is living on the edge!

    So a few years ago my husband I drove thru the zoo, and it was before they put fences up around the tigers/lions so they cannot “interact” with the vehicles. Soon after someone yelled at me for cracking my window to smoke a cigarette (they indeed were watching us and had speakers and I was a moron), a tiger walked in front of our car. It stopped and became very interested in us. It walked around the car, like 3 times, then stopped at the front, and began licking the hood of the car. Then it jumped on TOP of the hood of our car. And actually stared at us for a bit.Just chillin. Luckliy for us, it was on old piece of shit car that we did not car about, because this tiger did leave it’s mark, or marks on the paint of the car. It was crazy. But fun. 🙂 And sadly, when we went back a couple of years ago, the fences were up. and really, why would I even want to be there unless there was chance that a tiger could walk on my car and lick it??? SO BORING NOW!!!

  228. You’re right. September sucks donkey balls. I’m miserable and depressed after having a really solidly good spring and summer. Thank goodness I’m not alone!!!

  230. Is this the Natural Bridge Wildlife Ranch? I’m pretty sure I met that zebra there—I have an eerily similar picture. The emus are cool, but the ostriches are total dicks. I refuse to feed those fuckers. I hope you were able to go to the petting zoo and brush the tiny baby pygmy goats. That part was the best!

  232. I own 3 medicinal ferrets myself. Not only are they happy snuggly giggly fun, but they hide things for me to find later. (Where are my belts? Ahh, stashed in the DVD cabinet…)

  233. I was hit with a bout of depression two days ago and it’s hanging on with a relentless grip. At this point I know how to muddle through these episodes, but damn, it is a lonely place to be. Why? Why is that? I keep reading about the high percentage of people who are depressed and how we’re now normalizing mental health issues, but then when I’m feeling low, I look around and nobody seems to get it. Or at least they’re not talking about it.

  236. Sometimes it seems like Victor is the straight man in your comedy duo, but it’s posts like these that give me the warm fuzzy feelings that y’all are a perfectly matched pair.

  237. Yes, that’s an Emu! (trust the Australian).
    S/he would probably be quite happy to take the entire paper bag from your hand in one go.

    There is an animal sanctuary/birdlife park – formerly the Bicheno Birdlife Park, more recently NATURE WORLD (which has to be typed in capitals and over-pronounced in a silly voice) at Bicheno on Tasmania’s east coast which had 2 ‘free range’ emus – Bert and Edna. There, people just wander about (no cars) and mostly it’s only the devils and the potentially-deadly snakes (or most of them, you never can be sure in Australia) which are penned.

    I remember Bert and Edna particularly because as a young teen I went once in a japara, a rain coat, which had metal studs on the shoulders and one of the two snuck up behind me and pecked me repeatedly, trying to eat the stud. It didn’t hurt, but it was something of a shock. Difficult to act all casual.

    Bert and Edna (I wonder if it’s still the originals?) are now in captivity during the day, because they were not only champion thieves of people’s picnics or any other food, and would frighten the bejeezus out of small children by snatching the treat-bags (often cannily lining things up so whilst the child was retreating with hands behind back from a particularly pressing ‘roo, the emu would sneak up to an easy mark) but they also loved anything shiny, and developed a wonderful knack of pecking watches fair off people’s wrists…. and then, whilst the people were panicking and flapping – swallowing the watch whole. I wondered if their ancestors had learned it generations ago from the convicts sent to Tasmania for pickpocketing?

    So, don’t underestimate the emu – they’re really tricky and I think they have a wicked sense of humour.

  240. My doctor told me that I have to start light therapy for SADS well before the time I normally feel depressed. I never knew this, I would start after I already started feeling awful. The doctor said to count from the time you start feeling depressed to the time you stop using the light therapy and then reverse it. My worst month is November and I stopped feeling the need for light therapy last March, so this year, I started light therapy in mid July even though it was still summer. If I can’t get outside in the bright sunshine for at least 1/2 hour, I use my light therapy visor, which works well as I can walk around the house or sit at my computer while having my morning beverage.

  241. Ferrets and birds give me anxiety attacks, you guys! Emus (and those are definitely emus, not rheas or ostriches) are fascinating, though.

    September itself isn’t so bad for me, but the days leading to and on the 11th do get me twitchy. I took my daughter to the NY Renaissance Faire on the 11th rather than deal with media onslaught and football commemorations. A day of being addressed as “My Lady” and frolicking with assorted Elizabethan characters (and caricatures) was well worth the price of admission, not to mention the seriously abridged and awesomely sword-fought production of ‘Richard III’ (best and bloody bits only, of course) was a balm for the twitchiness.

    I can’t wait for the heat to break completely so I can dig up my front garden for bulbs, though. The lack of sunlight isn’t felt as severely until November, but walking the munchkin to & from the bus stop every day helps force me outdoors and I get some real sunlight.

  242. Back in my pre-antidepressant days I used to go into a blue funk (black funk? brown funK? charcoal gray funk?) every autumn. I feel you, pal.

  244. November is my depressive month, for whatever reason. Every single time I’ve been hospitalized has been in November (except the first time). We have a Camel Farm in my town that has all sorts of animals, and I think all zebras do that whole ‘mouth open wide right at you’ thing. I have pictures like that too.

  245. Gods I needed this today! Thank you so much for giving me the boost I needed to possibly not cry myself to sleep (on the floor) tonight 🙂

  246. This blog is made of unicorns and wonderful, and it makes bad days bearable. You always seem to be having the same day as all the rest of us, but you’re able to articulate it like I can’t. Hugs!

  250. You simply have to go to this place:
    http://main.arubandonkey.org/portal/
    Derpy and fabulous, yes. Trying to leave after hand feeding approximately 8,000 bags of donkey chow plus one large bag of apples from the supermarket (slightly terrifying, slow motion stampede ensued when I unwittingly stepped into the enclosure w my bag ‘o apples, which the docile but large apple loving donkeys spotted before they were even out of the grocery bag, whaaat? smart donkeys), my kids spotted a pathetic 3 legged donkey, and of course the forward march to car halted while much petting and sadness ensued. Little did I know this is a well-organized donkey GANG, Mr. 3-Legged being the distraction so another donkey could sidle up and rip the paper gift bag out of my hand and begin to eat the bag and contents. Much NO NO DONKEY IT’S PAPER NOT FOOD YOU’LL HURT YOURSELF (me, not kids, who were too busy laughing at me) and removal of bag scraps from vicinity followed.
    They really should post a live feed on the internet. Stupid humans!! Outwitted repeatedly by donkeys!

  251. My dad’s funeral is today,and reading your blog has made me laugh. Thank you .Death and funerals are assholes.

  252. Just, you know, thank you. For sharing badly needed emu-age. For sharing the world’s most intensely fabulous zebra-ness when a random stranger (me) needed it.

  253. Emus are cute and all until they decide that chase you! They are the fodder of many Aussie kids nightmares 😂

  255. It is an emu, once got surrounded by a bunch while at a wildlife park when l had a bag of food which was really frightening because of the beaks. Definitely the best way to do being in a car

  257. I’m having one of those days where I can barely move. I needed that ostrich thank you. If we had an ostrich farm nearby that might just be enough to pull me out of my hole, but unfortunately there isn’t one so I’ll just sit in my hole and try to remember that depression lies.

  258. Emus are fucking terrifying. Im glad you survived. Also, the goat is adorable and i want one

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