Today I got an email from a friend and it said, “Just thinking of you today, diarrhea. How ya doing?” and I was like, “I was doing better before you called me ‘diarrhea’? Is that your pet name for me? Because I’m not sure I love it” and then she was like, “FOR FUCKS SAKE, SPELLCHECK. I typed ‘dearheart’ and spellcheck auto-corrected it to ‘diarrhea’. I don’t think you’re diarrhea.” And I guess that makes sense because even as I’m typing this spellcheck is like “‘DEARHEART’ ISN’T A REAL WORD. I’M HELPING,” but when it comes to someone calling me “diarrhea” spellcheck is all, “YEP! THAT SOUNDS RIGHT. NO PROBLEMS HERE.”
Thanks, spellcheck. You’re a real dearheart.
PS. Now spellcheck is like “‘Dearheart’ still isn’t a real word. Did you mean ‘dearhreart’?”
At this point I think Spellcheck has become self-aware and is just fucking with me.
*******
And now…time for the weekly wrap-up!
Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):
- This is a kitchen towel but it’s also awesome to dry your face with because it makes you look like you’re a saucy, unstable cat to everyone near you.
- Christmas ornaments that might get you kicked out of Christmas.
Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:
- I had a thousand people ask me if this was me and I wish it was because I laughed so hard I cried and I suspect I’m related to this woman.
- I’m using this new therapy tool and it is shockingly helpful.
- People are asking if we’re doing the James Garfield Miracle this year. Yep. Just trying to get it all together. Keep watching this space.
This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Gem & Honey infused bath salts from Wild Honey Apothecary. From them: “A bath is nothing short of a sacred return to the water. Our Gem & Honey infused bath salts are blended with only pure botanical ingredients for highly aromatic soaking pleasure. Charged with the high vibration energy of quartz crystal and infused with biodynamic honey from Wisconsin.” Their monthly delivery service is only $10 (shipping is included) and sends you two 1.5 ounce sachets of specially blended salts and a small quartz crystal. I’m ordering some myself. You should check out it out right here.
Haha, except for me we spell it diarrhoea here in Australia 😂
More diarrhoea here too 😀
I discovered this years ago, Jenny.
But your post was priceless regardless.
I don’t know whether to love spell check or hate it. Although the frustration is endless, it does often make me laugh. I agree there is an element of intelligence to it… someone is fucking with us all and loving every moment.
It is obvious that Spellcheck is totally fucking with you.
Dearhreart. (Now it’s fucking with me… 😉 )
You know, I didn’t think of you with the coyote, because that isn’t Hailey in the pictures, but in retrospect, I should have.
beautiful 😛
I could see you being the coyote lady. That would have been believable, if I’d thought of it.
Ducking heel is all I can say
I know it wants to change effit always to effigy which fits too sometimes.
If spellcheck is an asshole, autocorrect is a gaping asshole in a douche canoe.
I tried to type Rosh Hashanah, and predictive text suggested Rosh Hashtag.
Nice.
Certainly a more modern take on an ancient tradition, but… no.
Whenever I get a new device the first thing I do is turn off autocorrect, because it makes me rage. Of course I still use it as a scapegoat if I happen to f*ck something up on my own.
The thing about Autocorrect is that it corrects to words you’ve previously used when it isn’t sure what you mean. So your friend must have used the word “diarrhea” in another email at some point, which begs the question “Why is she writing to people about her own, or someone else’s, diarrhea?” I just inherited my son’s Iphone, and some of the things it wants to Autocorrect for me are a little concerning. Or maybe it’s just the new slang…
hahahaha. spellcheck is a total dickhead sometimes.
How does one infuse gems? Color me confused.
Spellcheck is remedial. I have to teach it to put words in plural and how to conjugate all the time. It should pay me tutoring fees.
We could all just agree that diarrhea means dearheart and then spellcheck loses. And so does everyone. OK I’m fired.
My mom sent me some interesting emails because of autocorrect, too. It’s only funny when it’s someone we know.
Diarrhea. Asshole. I see what you did there. Hahahaha
Spell check is definitely self aware. It takes great delight in fucking with me.
I’m looking forward to another J.G. Miracle! Thank you so much for doing tons of work so others can have a great Christmas season. I love you! We love you! And honestly I don’t know how I’d get through another year without you and your comical posts. So you are going to have to be a blogger for many many years. And not die of shock when opening gifts from your strange group of followers.
I received an email 4 years ago from a former boss that said “oh Anus, I value you and your work.” I will never, ever delete it.
@anonymous I didn’t make the gem infused products but I do make aromatherapy products. You can soak gems in distilled water and add the gem elixir to the mix or you can put the gems in the salt and let them sit overnight, then remove them. The idea is that the healing properties of the gems go into the bath products.
Of course spell check is fucking with you. It’s fucking with everyone at this point. That’s why I turned it off on my phone. I don’t have time for that.
I have to say that I like spellcheck. It’s Autocorrect that makes me swear up a storm. ☺
My auto-correct thinks I am a serial killer of animals – it suggests “deer heart” and, immediately to the right, “deer hearts.” Stop misdiagnosing me, autocorrect.
I was working on stuff yesterday and spellcheck told me that “spellcheck” wasn’t correct so I pretty much give up.
I got a message from my daughter a couple of months ago informing me that “Stephan Wellford is going to appear at the Delta Fair!” I was still staring at this in confusion when she sent another text clarifying that Stephan Wellford is actually Steppenwolf. And now I want to write to Steppenwolf and tell them their fake check-in name at hotels needs to be Stephan Wellford.
“WASN’T correct!” AAAAUUGHH I’m out.
lol hilarious writing.. love it
Sadly, if someone called me “diarrhea,” I’d assume they know me well. I have Crohn’s ;(
I was trying to write something on Instagram about quitting the holiday decorating for the night when the pizza arrived, and it autocorrected “pizza” to prisoner of azkaban. So people think I have way more interesting visitors than I do, just because I don’t proof my posts.
I taught spell check to correct itself to spellwrecker. You should see the things it does to transliterated Hebrew: “boker tov” (good morning) becomes “Boca Raton” (ok, that is kind of fun) but it all goes downhill from there.
I can never spell alcohol right the first time. I can drink it, though. Usually without mistakes. Sometimes without mistakes. Nearly always.
I write a lot and spellcheck is always going nuts over words that are totally real words. Or should be.
Thank you so much for posting about the women pranking her husband! I laughed so hard I peed a little. Damn kids ruined me. Was having a rough day.. That made me feel better
A friend texted me asking if I was coming “to class”, somehow spellcheck translated that to “Yo Igor”. Which, really, considering the week/month/year I’ve had, led to some really necessary hilarity. Thankfully I was in the car alone at the time – not in my usual completely inappropriate place to bust into belly laughter!
I laughed really hard at the Coyote story. It was just too funny!
I always tell my students to be smarter than grammar and spell check.
If they called me diarrhea, I would probably think they meant exactly that. Junior high kids are evil sometimes.
I live in Pinellas County FL. Spellcheck used to offer penis as an alternate spelling. Which is even more silly because our county does sort of look like a penis hanging off the side of Florida (which also looks like a penis)
The Viking’s name sends Spellcheck into spasms. It’s prejudiced against Scandinavians. It wants to correct the name but then Grammar wants to change the entire sentence to fit the new spelling of the name. Sometimes, I let Thesaurus play, too.
Love the ornaments. In truth victor would have just said “Jenny your not fooling me we both know that’s a coyote now put it back outside you can’t keep him” or “NO MORE TAXIDERMY”. Let’s be honest Victor knows you better then that husband. But this story reminds me of Jakens the “not a turkey turkey”
I thought the lady with the coyote was you also… had to read it twice to make sure it wasn’t…
My question would be, WTH is “dearhreart,” spellcheck?!? At least correct something to a real word.
Sent from iPhone
>
I finally have my phone trained; the other day, I really DID mean to say “duck” and Swype tried to correct it to “Fuck”. grin
Thanks for the coyote story — that was hilarious! Are you sure it wasn’t you because that totally sounds like “Conversations with Victor.”
Spellcheck and Autocorrect are two sides of the same asshole coin.
Texting with my mom usually turns into a farce thanks to autocorrect. Just this week I mentioned going to “cancer” (a.k.a. Cancun). Then I texted again to tell her cancer is a terrible destination, that should have been “can can” (thanks AGAIN, autocorrect!) Surely it pulled that scrap from the millions of other times I’ve ever mentioned the can can….which would be exactly never. To which she promptly followed with a request for me to give her chopsticks in her stocking (a.k.a Chapstik). Which then somehow led to her mentioning “chopmein” (that’s not even a real thing, autocorrect!)
My point is, our conversations would be much less interesting if we got it right the first time.
Jenny. My 15 year old daughter is entering her 3rd week at an acute behavioral hospital for major depression, anxiety and several other issues. The hospital is 4 hours away from my house, and I was looking for a light audio book to listen to on the drive. I saw the cover and title of “Furiously Happy” and thought it was the perfect lighthearted distraction from reality. It wasn’t what I was looking for AT ALL, but it was PERFECT and what I needed. I have a new perspective on her illness and ready to welcome her home and make some furiously happy times with her before she reaches adulthood and tries to manage independently. Any advice is be appreciated!
told my bff today that i’m giving up on autocorrect.
send whatever the fuck you want iphone. ask me if i give a shot.
I love reading “Damn you, Autocorrect ” stories; I don’t have it, just Spellcheck, which I totally ignore. I know how to spell, and I always proofread before sending. OCD tendencies, I guess. Thank god everyone else isn’t that boring! I, too, thought that coyote lady could have been you – same evil sense of humor. Once again, Jenny, thanks for soothing my mind.
I used to work with a spellchecker that did not like the word “dealerships” and wanted to use “dealers hips” instead. Not quite the picture you want in a financial statement!
I’m laughing so freaking hard I can’t even type this out. Of course it’s become self aware. It’s building skynet with a toaster and an old computer in your home. Has a calculator gone missing?
When I am having a really bad day, I come and re-read a few of your blog posts and they typically make me laugh, then cry, then laugh again. Its very cathartic. So thanks for the warm fuzzies…. its the little things that get me through sometimes 🙂
I was explaining my lack of fresh coffee to a friend and how it’s my husband’s fault because he has a oversized cup and Spellcheck sprang into action and corrected it to oversized cock and while hubs had no complaints my friend was confused by the abrupt change of subject. Spellcheck is 12 year old boy.
And now I have the “Diarrhea, ooh ooh!” song from the 2nd grade bus trip to the zoo stuck in my head.
Aaaaaaand I’m reasonably sure nobody else has ever heard of that song so I’ll just..uh. Show myself out.
Autocorrect provides my daughter and I with endless entertentertainment! And she cusses so much every word she types it change to fuck. We laugh so hard sometimes we are crying. We are easily entertained……jen
There was a while my spellcheck kept changing “money” to “monkey.”
POSTED ON MY FRIENDS PAGE : The funniest customer service reply I have received to date, along with the image they sent me:
Fret not, for your package is racing toward you this very moment. We understand you might be displeased with the time frame it has taken for your game to arrive. This does not sit well with us. We want you to know that we care about customer service. We have taken the liberty of kidnapping your Fed Ex driver’s cat. He received this photo a few hours ago . Although we consider ourselves avid cat lovers, we will not hesitate to put two into the back of this adorable kitten’s head if there is a delay of any kind in the delivery of your package. If there is one thing we love more than animals, it’s satisfied customers! Please feel free to contact us with any questions or donations to Fluffy Meowington’s funeral service should your package be late.
Our cup of crazy is being shared by the masses – keep on servin’ em up!
“At this point I think Spellcheck has become self-aware and is just fucking with me.” Love it!
Just read the coyote lady story and was glad I put my coffe down first! Laughed so hars! She must be your sister from another mother!!! You should connect up and have a really cool family reunion! We will need pics! LOL
LOVE the coyote story. It is exactly the kind of thing that I would do, if I had a significant other to whom to do it. What a hilarious idea, and the ensuing text conversation gave me my first (and possibly only, you never know) laugh of the day! Thanks for passing that along.
Your therapy idea is super helpful, and also super frustrating to pretty much everyone else around you who really want to see things in black and white and really really want to rage about pretty much anything. So, two birds…good work, Jenny!
LMAO I love auto correct fails! Someone once texted me that they wanted to rape my fridge. I was like, whaaaaat???
Cha Cha Cha!
okay. so i am a bit of a luddite and my phone is dumb and all i have is this laptop here. what i’m saying is, i do not have any experience with spellcheck. however, i read about it all the time & it is hysterical. so what i am wondering is–who programmed it? i want to meet that person & have a drink with them.
When I type neuroscience on my work computer (in a neuroscience research lab) and spellcheck corrects to Pseudoscience. My spellcheck is a sassy pants with rampant disdain for my work. At least my cell phone spellcheck gets me!
go home spellcheck, you’re drunk….
http://theoatmeal.com/comics/exposure lol
Suffering with Dearheart? Fight those symptoms with Imodium….
Huh. There may be something wrong with me. “Dearhreart” really looks close to deaththreat. Just getting stabby with it. 😁
No against you! Yikes. With you. Very much with you on the stabbiness. Even added stabbiness to my spellcheck dictionary.
Not. For heaven’s sake. “Not against you.” Glasses don’t make me think any better.
I’m blaming all of this on the scratches and assorted debris on my tablet.
On Thanksgiving I was attempting to cook a lot of things all at once and confusing myself in the process. So I asked my phone how many ounces were in a cup and my phone nicely answered. THEN, because I realized that my brain did not want to math, I asked my phone how many cups were in 40 ounces….to which my phone replied “Why don’t you count?” ……………………………….
Ummmm, what? So I called my phone some very not nice names….and then it would not help me again until I apologized. I’m scared of my phone now.
Spellcheck may be an asshole but I’ve got a feeling that if it never existed we would have missed out on a whole lot of lulz!
I tried this out on my phone and it changed “dearheart” to “secretary.” What the heck?
holy shit. i had the same reaction to that coyote exchange and the adrenaline rush has me in the best mood now. thanks for sharing!!
@Jenny, I’ve read both your books, after returning from bootcamp and tech school in October, nearly shat myself seeing you had a new one coming out (not until March — Guess I’ll be book constipated until then), I have just recently however came across your actual blog and started reading it. The coyote story you posted is one of my friends from Seaside, Oregon! She is doing a thing for her miracle babe that she is miserably pregnant with, and a lot of her status updates are smart minded and humors as with yours. Whether you see this or not, who knows, but on the off chance you do, could you do a note that says “Eve, Mommy and Daddys love for you is so big, it has___ and then something witty? I think she would love it! Especially if Juanita or her friend were apart of it. Her and her husband both have very entertaining personalities for conversation, and after seeing this, I know her baby shower gifts will be your books. Lets be real, stuff for the kid is great and all, but Mamma needs a good book and a better bottle of wine to enjoy. ^_^ Thanks!
JustanotherfromtheOregonCoast
(Eve, Mommy and Daddys love for you is so big, it stretches through multiple zip codes. You are better than syrup, and syrup is indispensable. ~ Jenny)
I recognize this is a throwback, but WordPress suggested it to me today so it’s not my fault but it reminds me of your tweet today so FULL CIRCLE.