This is what comes from insomnia.

in no one thinks this is funny but me, Random Crap, weekly reruns

A few days ago I couldn’t sleep so I decided to take the new templates on picmonkey for Christmas cards but then remake them completely for my own amusement.  They’re probably too late to get by Christmas but I thought I’d share them here because they made me laugh.

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Victor says some of these aren’t even Christmas related but I think maybe we’ve been having different Christmases.

Also, I made the 2017 Bloggess Calendar.  Whoo!  Click on the images if you wanna check any out.screen-shot-2016-12-18-at-3-15-36-pm

PS. Calendar cover image illustrated by my talented friend Joe Badon.  He is a bad-ass.

*******

And now…time for the weekly wrap-up!

bloggess sid

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

  • Basically everything at the beginning of this post.  Just click on the images for the links.

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Melt: massage for couples. Basically it’s an instructional massage video that teaches how to give kick-ass massages with a simple, step-by-step video guide. It costs less than one professional massage and you’ll have it forever with unlimited access. You can watch the trailer here. It’s super pretty and an excellent skill to know, especially since it equips you with the training to give a kick-ass massage to your honey for the holiday.  It’s way better than a tie or a blender or a mop.  Why were you even thinking about give a mop?  That’s a terrible gift. Don’t do that. Instead watch the video. Just saying.

91 thoughts on “This is what comes from insomnia.”

Read comments below or add one.

  2. I want a card that asks why Moses and the other old guys had to wait so long for the baby Jesus? Just how evil were they that God waited centuries (millennia even) before he bothered to get born?

  4. Pingback: This is what comes from insomnia. — The Bloggess – KELVINS GLOBAL

  9. Jezuuz, you’re a bloody empire unto yourself, Jenny!
    And you follow ME on Twitter?
    That makes me powerful by association, right?
    Merry Christmas, my friend.

  11. Do you think he ever offers to massage her and she replies, “Not tonight, honey. I’m not in the mood”?

    Yeah, probably.

  12. Have been on the insomnia train myself lately, yet not as creatively as you! I mostly play the “How many hours of sleep will I get if I fall asleep now?” and binge watch HGTV.

  13. You should sell the cards now so we can all send them to people next year cause I totally want them

  16. The calendar is a work of genius. I bought one for me, and one for a friend for whom 2016 was also a dumpster fire. Here’s to a brighter 2017 (and how could it not be?)

  19. I like all your cards but the first one is my favourite. I spend a lot of time deep in nature and the wording is exactly what I’ve thought on more than one occasion.

  21. Bloggess. I cherish very word of your books. Funniest woman writer ever. Now I am asking for serious ? How do you handle the pangs of health diagnosis and doctors and sheer stress of it all? I was just recently diagnosed with mast cell activation and it’s odd how this also is related to my lifelong anxiety and wild headed imagination. It’s not all in my head arfterall it’s a butterball.

    So relived to have diagnosis but now struggling to find the right meds. I just want to race to er each time my heart struggles start. They scare the dickens out of me.

    Please help Lindsay

    Sent from my iPhone

    (I’m sending you love and light. I still struggle a lot with my anxiety exacerbating my my physical health and vice-versa so I rely a lot on my husband to tell me to get off Web MD and stop worrying. And sometimes I allow myself to worry but also to know that there are so many meds out there that can help. It’s hard, but it can be a good thing to get a diagnosis. ~ Jenny)

  24. Tell Victor not everyone celebrates Christmas and honestly there’s so much Christmas stuff out there. So really we need a break from all of that and maybe to give other people a break too

  27. I don’t own calendars because I would have absolutely no excuse for knowing what the fuck day it is. Which is usually every second day. You have no idea how many opportunities I’ve missed for drinking simply because I didn’t realize it was Friday. Or Saturday.

  28. Christ Comes into my house and eats all of my food – fantastic! God is up there laughing! Where do people get the creativity to think of this stuff?

  30. I love how much bizarre shit you find to amuse yourself with, and that you share it with us! I can’t believe that choir sang that carol with a straight face. Those holiday cards are hilarious, but unfortunately too many people I know would be offended by them if I gave them one for Christmas. I think I’ll get right on that now lol. Merry Christmas, Jenny!

  33. Sorry, OT
    Love this post & your cards, Jenny. But I am trying to send THANK YOU cards-
    We may need a whole separate Post** 💡🕯
    To the Secret Santas from James Garfield Miracle –
    With gratitude and Love 🎄🎄 to Sarah & Matt💜💙
    and also to sweet Jodi 💖
    who gave Happy Holidays & a very Merry Christmas To my Dad, kitten 🐱 and Me!
    Love you All, Debra Disney
    bless you ALL 🌟🌟🌟 for bringing JOY and Happiest New Year 🎉🎊 to All the Tribe and to our Bloggess and her family ❣

  35. LOVE #1. You should be in the business of writing cards for family/friends who are hard to buy for, like “I love you because you’re my father, but you SUCK” kind of thing.

  36. I think the reindeer on is plenty Christmassy. We’ve all been thinking that the North Pole is where Santa lives, but perhaps it’s the dive bar where Rudolph does his dancing.

  38. Just wanted to say a heartfelt thanks to those who gifted us. It’s been a hell of a year here, and this sort of unexpected kindness is appreciated more than I can express. Xoxo.

  39. As usual, Victor is wrong. 😉 These cards are perfectly suited for all of the December holidays. They are non-denominational (for the most part), show winter-ish scenes, and are guaranteed to piss off at least a couple of overly-sensitive relatives. I say it’s a “win” all around!

    I do have one question, though. If I set fire to your parrot (Jeez — talk about a euphemism), will it burn for 8 nights or just the one? Enquiring minds and all that.

  42. Lusting over a calendar is normal, right?
    I wish I had creative insomnia. I spend my sleepless nights worrying about 2017. I’m not at all convinced shit show isn’t going to get worse.

  43. This isn’t really related to this post, but do you know about the Kindle Matchbook program? It’s where when you buy a print copy of a book, you can get a Kindle version for free or reduced price.
    This seemed like something you’d be interested in, so I thought I would let you know. 🙂
    BTW, those christmas cards are my babies. I have wanted to send something like that to my relatives soooo many times.

  44. So furiously funny!

    Now with your obviously considerable talent with tact, would it be possible to make an appropriate greeting card for a psychiatrist of six months who calls her client the wrong name during a pariticularily emotional session? Twice.

    ME: “Do you HAVE a Pamela!?”

  45. I think I could only hand deliver these cards. Because what fun would they be if we don’t get to see the recipients’ faces?

  46. OK, I want ALL of these!! But since you put the Tardis on the cover of the calendar, I absolutely had to have it (and the November picture was awesome, which is the test of whether or not a calendar is worth buying, November being my birth month!)

  47. I’d love a Dorothy Barker note card collection. I simply adore that dog.

    Merry Christmas to you and your awesome family – human, animal, living and formerly living.

  48. ….. That calendar has the Dorothy Barker “boop your nose” picture!! Must have! And I love the cards, especially the first one.
    I’m currently listening to Furiously Happy on Audible for the first time. I LOVE YOUR VOICE OMG!!!

  51. Can I get a few of the first? Foot of snow, then 60s, then more snow, then 50s, now below freezing again. At least wherever there is looks consistent.

    Ordered your calendar. Seems apropos. Don’t remember seeing the caroling picture but it’s too cute.

  53. I just cried when I saw my birthday month in the calendar (Jan). It happens to be my favorite picture you have ever posted 😃😃😃😃😃

  56. i misread mop, thought it said map. a map would be an awesome present. i wish someone would get me an old map for winterfest.

  58. I love all of those so much. I don’t suppose there are any equally funny/endearing calendars without swears so I can put one in my office but still keep my job? 🙂

  59. I actually decided in the last week that I wanted to send holiday cards to my friends, after getting a few. I guess we’re old enough to do this now. But by then it was too late for Christmas or any other holiday normal people send holiday cards for, so instead I’m going to send them in January or February. Whenever I get inspired, because these things are supposed to feature a photograph of you and your family, so I need to think of something for my cat and I to do. I think I want to put him in a lion’s mane; if it’s for a holiday card photo that’s an excuse to buy one.

  63. I would LOVE to receive one of those Christmas cards in the mail. Much better than the typical “Here’s a picture of relatives you never see in a fakey winter scene” ones that we typically get.

  64. Thanks Jenny. I need to get over my fear of meds. You are right no shame in that game. Started taking one that may be able to help me. Just need to quit being highly sentisized person and let my gut do what it’s designed to do.

  70. Thank you sweet baby Jebus for the calendar! I wait all year for this thing. It hangs in my office and helps me get through most of my days.

  72. 2016 was such a bitch…I don’t want to risk buying the “I survived 2016 calendar” until January 1st.

  73. I seriously need a calendar full of Rory to get me through the next year. That little guy never fails to make me laugh hysterically, no matter how shitty I feel or when the damn assignment is due. PLEASE MAKE A RORY CALENDAR SO I CAN HANG IT IN MY UNIVERSITY OFFICE AND HORRIFY MY CONSERVATIVE COLLEAGUES WITH AWESOMENESS!!! The world needs happy racoons. Loads of them. PUT HIM IN A SANTA HAT!!!!!! With a beard!!!!! And then make small children get their photo taken with him! LIGHTBULB MOMENT: Rory bursting from a Christmas gift box…..:-D

  75. I love your art both the visual and written! If you are interested there was an interesting interview on CBC radio the show:Q. It’s about Dr.Seuss’ taxidermy art. I can’t figure out how to link it. But it can be Google

  76. This is why it’s important to address insomnia instead of letting it become the norm. If lifestyle and unhealthy sleep habits are the cause of insomnia, there are  cognitive behavioral techniques  and  sleep hygiene tips  that can help. If you have tried to change your sleep behaviors and it hasn’t worked, it’s important to take this seriously and talk to your doctor.

  77. Me and insomnia … we go waayyyy back. I keep telling it to go away. It keeps visiting me like a feral relative that I barely know. It’s awesome.

  78. HHMM…..have you been talking to my parrot. I told her that the business of her being a lush would get out. I won’t tell her I laughed…..otherwise I would fear for the eyes! 🙂

    Great cards!

  79. Have you seen this one?
    “Q: “What if the three wise men were women?” A: “They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, brought practical gifts, and there would be peace on earth.””

    Thanks to your post with all gifs I had my husband read, he is now doing the same. We have created a monster, keep up,the good work!

  81. I once saw the word “insomniac” misspelled as “insomaniac” and I thought, well, that’s apt.

  82. Love the calendar and LOVE the dress you are wearing in your November picture….mind sharing where you got it from? I’m dying for some new cute clothes…

    (Thanks! I got it from White House Black Market at least 6 years ago. Maybe more. Sorry! ~ Jenny)

  84. K. So I was so impressed by your card ideas and they how hard they made me laugh in spite of it all, that I was inspired to share them with my counsellor (who seems to remember my name from time to time unlike my psychiatrist see above) and she did the “heh heh” fake laugh and looked at me as if she thought I was crazy.

    They’re not supposed to do that right?

    Later after a conversation with my mother, I came up with a seasonal sentiment for maybe next year’s batch:

    IF YOU PROMISE NOT TO TRY TO MAKE ME FEEL MERRY, I PROMISE NOT TO TRY TO MAKE YOU FEEL MISERABLE

  85. I need to start getting more creative during my insomnia. LOL …. hashing over my life isn’t working for me at 3am anymore.

  89. The cards are brilliant and the carol is GENIUS. Every corner of the religious spectrum in my family is laughing hysterically at Jesus eating an entire head of lettuce and microwaving the turkey bones. It was a family bonding moment in this house….behold the emotional uniting power of music. LOL

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