UPDATED: I’m gonna be a vampire. Maybe.

in Marketing gone bad, no one thinks this is funny but me, Random Crap

(SEE UPDATES BELOW.)

I always get spam comments on my blog about weird stuff like voodoo spells and contacting the dead, but a few days ago one came in telling me that I could become a vampire.  One of my favorite things to do with these sort of comments is to actually respond and see how far I can take the conversation into the strange and ridiculous.  Usually I only get one or two emails back before they give up and realize I’m not actually going to give them my personal information and/or money but this one went on longer than usual so I decided to share it.  (You can click on any of the screenshots to embiggen.)

The original comment:

vampire

I was a little concerned that the word “vampire” was misspelled on their email address but vampires aren’t known for spelling so I still had hope.   The following is a direct screenshot of our conversation.  I used my ZuZu Petals account because I’m pretty sure you don’t give your real name to people who might be vampires..  Also, I was late-night drinking when I wrote some of these responses, so please forgive the typos.

Here you go:

screen-shot-2017-01-03-at-8-34-01-pm

screen-shot-2017-01-03-at-8-37-19-pm

screen-shot-2017-01-03-at-8-38-55-pm

screen-shot-2017-01-03-at-9-34-12-pm

It’s been 12 hours since the last response so I think I may have scared him off.

I’ll keep you posted if me and Lil Schnitzle get in.

UPDATED!

I kept everyone updated on the vampire situation via twitter:

screen-shot-2017-01-04-at-9-37-42-pm

screen-shot-2017-01-04-at-9-39-07-pm

screen-shot-2017-01-04-at-9-39-37-pm

screen-shot-2017-01-04-at-9-40-05-pm

screen-shot-2017-01-04-at-9-41-09-pm

screen-shot-2017-01-04-at-9-44-12-pm

And I thought that this would mark the end of my adventures but THEN I GOT ANOTHER EMAIL FROM THE VAMPIRE LORD.  Coming as a complete surprise to everyone involved, he wanted money.:
 screen-shot-2017-01-04-at-9-47-47-pm

My response:

screen-shot-2017-01-04-at-10-00-22-pm

 

To be continued…

UPDATED PART 2:
It’s been 24 hours so I suspect I’m being ignored by the vampire lord but I’m not giving up so easily.  Email I sent tonight:

screen-shot-2017-01-06-at-12-12-58-am

screen-shot-2017-01-05-at-11-33-48-pm

screen-shot-2017-01-06-at-12-13-23-am

No response so far, but Lil Schnitzel hasn’t given the dream up yet.

raw-1

To be continued…

UPDATED: It’s been 12 hours and I think ZuZu is being blackballed.  But I’m not giving in that easily.  Click here for the next step because this post is getting too long.

248 thoughts on “UPDATED: I’m gonna be a vampire. Maybe.”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. OMG, this was just the best…I needed this today…you are always a great source of smiles and laughs Jenny…thank you! And now I want to be a vampire with you…please…

  7. OMG, why do I never get these offers? Lol, love your correspondence with that nut job. Good luck becoming a vampiress.

  8. 🙂
    I wouldn’t want to be a space vampire either. And yikes, after dealing with all the patriarchy here in regular life, who needs it in the vampire world?
    Thanks for sharing.

  11. No fair. I can barely get invited for drinks I don’t have to pay for…why does all the fun stuff happen to everyone else? Clearly I don’t spend enough time googling strange things!

  15. It could be that Vampire Lord IS Brad Dingleman and now he’s frantically texting all his ex’s.

  18. I needed this laugh this morning!! My kids were a nightmare and a half getting ready for school today. My son cut a hole in one of his brand new shirts because he tried cutting the tag off it while he was wearing it. I didn’t think the morning could get worse until he did that and it did. But this, this is pure gold on a morning where it’s raining shit. I prefer the gold. 😀

  19. You have inspired me to have fun with spam emails. I used to consider them an annoyance but now I know they can be a rich source of laughter. Thank you for your books and blog They have helped me through many rough days.

  20. Back in college I thought I might be a vampire. It pained me to be out during sunlight hours though I don’t recall a lot of bloodlust. Good luck, I hope it all works out 🙂

  22. Pft…that vampire thing is a scam. All I got out of it was a wallet sized photo of Bela Lugosi and instructions on how to make a construction paper medallion. I mean, the least they could do is pony up for the teeth, amiright?

  23. Trying to google a directory of vampires to see if we can maybe look up who is already a member of the Brotherhood or sign up for their mailing list or, you know, sign up friends who might be interested. Nada. But I’m pretty sure I’ll be on a number of supernatural spammer lists now because thanks search engines.

  24. How funny! I also would like to be a vampire, but most emphatically NOT a space vampire. I saw Stargate Atlantis, thank you, and those space vampires are VILE.

  25. This application cracks me up. Everything is full in the blank, but then “Are you married?” Maybe it’s a swinging vampire brotherhood. Like everyone plays musical chairs… but with COFFINS. And you switch around every now and then. Like Melrose Place. But with blood.

  27. Lol I do so love you Jenny. I can’t stop laughing at this. You’ve made my day and as usualusual youyou rock the awesomesauce, with or without the Cape. 💗

  29. Think it’s the first time he’s heard, “let me know if you’re ok with my vagina” ?

  30. Wempires. By Daniel Pinkwater. Get it now.
    Then sing along with me…
    I don’t care for peaches, they are full of stones
    I like bananas because they have no bones,hey!!
    Seriously. You will not be sorry. Wempires.

  32. OMG! I’m dying! Not literally, so please don’t set me up with your vampire cult. This was hysterical! You are my favorite kind of crazy. 😂

  33. Being a Space Vampire would be REALLY boring. You are immortal, so you can’t die in the cold vacuum of space. BUT, from what I’ve been told, space is kinda humongous, so you’ll just be out there floating. If you’re lucky, you may pass through the gas planets, but only if you’re pointed in precisely the right direction when you leave earth. Personally, I’d rather be mortal, knowing I’m gonna die (which, on another note, I’m still kinda wondering if there will be fireballs and/or strange breeds of kelp involved) than be an immortal, floating aimlessly in space with only my own thoughts to keep me company. It can be scary in my brain…

  34. Um, do you mean the ZuZu Petals from the so-ridiculously-bad-it’s-laugh-out-loud-funny movie The Adventures of Ford Fairlane? Cuz I didn’t think I could like you more than I already do! Thank you for making my day.

  37. I can’t help but notice the Vampir Lourde didn’t mention an initiation fee, and I’m sure there is one. All those jeweled ascots and capes aren’t cheap, you know… WAIT! I know what this is! Once you’re initiated you’ll be required to buy, wear and resell branded BoV merchandise and I’m sure there’s a recruiting bonus… this is just a multi-level marketing scam of souls! DON’T DO IT JENNY!

    (The ask for money usually comes after they get your personal information and phone number. It’s harder to say no once they can contact you in real life. ~ Jenny)

  38. This was epic! I think a sitcom is in order and you must start writing Immediately.

  39. Pingback: Another reason I love Jenny – wtf Am I On About Now?

  40. Okay I am about to make the whole thing weirder for you. Vampir is actually the Romanian spelling of vampire. They like to throw that around to make themselves seem legit. Your exchange was hilarious, but while you are laughing remember there is a whole Vampire Fetish cult thing out there that actively recruits. Poor dude thought you were up for a good time.

  41. If I were to be turned into a vampire, I’d want to be the Adventure Time variety where you could satiate your thirst with the color red. Just take an apple, some lipstick, or a crayon and drain the red from it. All of the immortality without and of the blood drinking.

  42. If I were to be turned into a vampire, I’d want to be the Adventure Time variety where you could satiate your thirst with the color red. Just take an apple, some lipstick, or a crayon and drain the red from it. All of the immortality without and of the blood drinking.

  44. I cannot respect a master vampire that doesn’t use proper grammar. Shouldn’t they have minions for that?

  45. I was once approached at a library by a man claiming to be close to becoming a vampire. He showed me a well-worn paper listing simple instructions on how to become one. He asked for help researching vampire books, and offered to make a copy of the instructions for me. I told him to ask the reference librarian. In hindsight, I REALLY regret not getting a copy of those instructions. 🙁

  46. Snort at the office? Check. I’d be curious if there are publicity opportunities with Anne Rice. That would totally be worth it.

  47. With my crooked teeth, as a kid, I was called a vampire, Countess Dracula, Fangs, etc. Therefore, as an alternative, please consider joining me in starting our own coven. (or is that just for witches?) You can be High Priestess. (or is that voodoo?) Whatever. You wouldn’t need the real fangs, plastic will do. Cape not included.

  49. Thank you for making me laugh! I needed too! I was stressing too much over still having job (or not), my health, my husband’s health, and my daughter’s surgery. Just to let you know, my daughter came through the surgery with flying colors and is doing well today (1st day being post op). They are keeping an eye on a fever that is slowing creeping up so we don’t know if she will get to go home today yet.

  51. Best morning email ever. Can you ask about cats? I think my cat would look great in a cape. And if you do become a vampire, you could start the Vagina Vampire Vanguard. I would totally be up with that. We could work on the Vampire Vagenda.

  55. I really like the idea that the guy went through the effort of creating this whole Vampire Brotherhood, but was still like, “Paul’s a great name for vampire leader. I’m sticking with Paul.”

  56. What do space vampires even eat?! Here’s hoping you don’t become a space vampire but, if you do, at least your dream of being skinnier will come true.

  57. I’m fairly certain he’s gonna require a photo of Lil Schnitzle… so you best post it here first! 🙂

  59. Hmmm…..I’ve never given serious thought to Vampire. I’ve always gone with VooDoo because there are so many applications for its use in today’s world. Like Office VooDoo – there’s always one asshole in every office and a little VooDoo can make work a bit more pleasant. Also, I was considering using VooDoo on The Viking because he always wins everything and he has a shield and battle axe and I don’t but VooDoo would definitely make the playing field a little more equal. But then someone mentioned how easy it would be for The Viking to take up VooDoo too, and then it might turn into Competitive VooDoo and then we’d get nothing done. Ever. Still……
    PS: adding my link goes to comments, so here’s the actual link: http://www.mrs-completely.com/funnywoman/a-fart-in-the-wind/

  61. I am ridiculously curious about the numbering convention for the application. I’m probably spending way too much time trying to figure out the logic behind it.

  64. Clearly vampires who try to recruit are way too serious. Do any vampires have a sense of humor, or decent usage of the English language? And why do you have to send a picture? Are vampires so shallow that they determine who is accepted by the way you look? It sounds a bit discriminatory to me. I did notice that they didn’t ask for gender or sexual preference, so maybe they’re more open minded than I thought. I wonder if they send out an initiation packet or a brochure? 😄 Thanks for the laugh today!

  65. This made my day! I love this kind of thing. We used to have a local reporter who used to do this with people sending those ‘Nigerian Prince’ letters. They were quite comical and karmic justice. Keep trying, Zuzu. I believe in you! 😀

  67. I’m just really fascinated by the fact that they didn’t ask for money, just your phone number. Is becoming a vampire free, but you have to be available to work at their Vampire Distress call centre or something?

  69. I totally NEED to be a space vampire with a cape and a jeweled ascot. I mean, Before reading this, there was an emptiness I was tempted to fill with chocolate and reese’s on chip cookies, but this… I have found my destiny!

    Now to find my credit card, Social Security number and that list of passwords ai really should have memorized by now considering is all our birthdates.

    So excited! Thanks Jen!!

  71. No one has EVER offered to turn me into a vampire. I am sad and more unfulfilled than I was five minutes ago. That is TERRIBLE.

    You forgot to ask him the important stuff – like will you sparkle after the change, or if sunlight actually KILLS you. That’s kind of an important thing to know – body glitter or burning death. There’s not a great deal of room for error there.

  72. LOVE! LOVE!!!! I am sooo in the wrong line of work. Really hoping that the sun just rose and they will respond once their arms are unfrozen at sunset.

  73. Oh my soul (unless I’m a vampire . . . I don’t think they have souls. Still waiting to hear from Lord Master on that score)

  74. “Hugs, ZuZu”
    Oh gawds, I’m crying and I just pee’d a little!!! 😂😂😂
    P.S. Can I use “Hugs Zuzu” as my vampire name?

  77. LOL. This can only happen to you. My spam is so boring… Have — tonight with Russian sweetie… I’m the king of Nigeria writing to offer you half my kingdom …

  79. This is awesome! I never get Vampire related spam comments. I mostly get offers to help me with my erectile dysfunction. I guess that kind of has something to do with blood flow though.

  80. I don’t know which I’m laughing harder at–the fact that you must fill out a FORM to become a vampire (very un-vampirish) or the fact that Brad Dingleman is what scared him off:). I mean, really.

  82. You’ve made my day! I am laughing so hard. Now I want to respond to the “silicone bracelet” makers that leave daily spam on my blog. Let us know how the floating goes.

  85. This made me laugh and remember that I did something similar not too long ago with someone I met through online dating. He asked me for money, I think it was $3K, and I responded saying that I didn’t have any money because I used it to pay the lawyer to get me out of the charges for beating my Ex with a baseball bat. Thought that would stop him, but I was mistaken. He responded by asking if I had a bank account. I replied that my bank account had been frozen by the state since I was going to start my prison sentence on Monday. Thought that might end things, but again I was mistaken. He next asked me if I would open a bank account so his friend could loan me the money and I could send it to him. At this point, I had laughed myself silly and decided that I had enough so I deleted him. 🙂

  90. If you become a vampire, will that mean you can turn us into vampires too without having to go through him? If you can, then you could form your own Vampire Collective and then we could have vampire dogs and vampire cats too. And vampire sloths. They so should be a thing

  91. There are vampires in Romania and their English isn’t correct so I bet they’re Romanian vampires from Transylvania!!

  92. Perhaps we need to create a Matriarchal Vampire Society? That allows dog and cats in. We’ll let men in too – but we’re in control ladies! And hey… Dog and Cats? Already have fangs! Have you ever seen “Blade II” the one with Ryan Reynolds when some little fluff ball dogs who have been “Turned” go after him? It’s also referenced in “Dead Pool” as some inside humor – just sayin’. https://goo.gl/images/NY6kJ8 You’re welcome for the half naked Ryan Reynolds and the vampire pooch.

  94. You should start your own Vampire society but call it something cool and all your followers could be members. Followers who regularly comment could get special jobs, like helping draft laws and rules and taking out the rubbish and polishing Beyonce’s metal. Anyway, just a thought.

  98. What am I doing wrong?! All my spam is of the male “enhancement” and Russian mail-order bride variety…kind of useless for me, since I also do not have the requisite penis for such things. No one ever offers to make me a vampire. 😭

  99. ha! great! you prob know he means live not leave. it’s obvious his first language isn’t english

  103. Peed my pants laughing. Okay, not literally, because all the rest of my underwear is hanging up to dry so I held it in so I wouldn’t waste this pair, but figuratively: It totally peed my pants laughing.

  104. Once you’re a vampire and all immortal and shit, will you please be our forever President and Lil Schnitzle can be First Dog?

  105. It bothers me that he says they can’t change the name. Seems like a lack of ambition to me. If you’re eternal then shouldn’t you be able to get stuff like that done no matter how long it takes?

  106. Jenny, my sincerest hope is that you and Schnitzel are accepted into the vampire brotherhood, even though that is a very sexist club name. You would think in this day and age that vampiric associations would be able to keep up with the successes of feminism. They could have called it the “Vampire Coalition.” That one is not gender specific in the least. It’s a shame they said they can’t change the name. You should tell them you decided to join the “Vampire Sisterhood” instead since you felt you and your vagina would fit in better there.
    P.S. I love your brain, and the crazy things it gets you into.

  107. Oh Jenn, you never disappoint. Love reading your blog. You are most unique and funny. I am so happy you have made the most of the situations life throws at you. I am trying to read your post everyday you post this year. Life gets in my way sometimes and I don’t get over here like I want, but I am making a better effort this year because you my dear are so worth it. Unless you become a vampire, because I think maybe vampires cannot type.

    Thanks for being you, and making me laugh.

    Susie

  108. Yesterday, I was at an all-time low. Thank you for letting me live vicariously through you, because, if I could ever get the fucking meds straightened out, I would start my own blog. You rawk beyond measure.

  109. Is it me or is ‘Keep all this for your own secret and migrate from fear’ actually good life advice that can be applied to many situations other than vampire sexism?

  111. Brad Dingleman wouldn’t know how to make the most of his vampire abilities anyway.No one’s inviting that guy in anywhere 🙂 This makes me want to start replying to those spam emails I get from “the fbi”…who use a hotmail account. LOL!

  113. Bwwwaahhhhlllooollll thank you for the laugh Jenny. I kept it down to a giggle because I am at work, but OMG.

  114. I was totally in on the pillow fort. But now this??? YESSS. Imagine the possibilities. Reading ALL the books. Drinking ALL the wine. All that and a certain exhole I know would get what’s coming to him.

  115. Does Dorothy Barker know about Lil Schnitzle? Because I foresee some trouble there with you leaving her behind but taking Lil Schnitzle.

  116. Day = Made! And am I the only one who thinks of It’s a Wonderful Life when they see Zuzu Petals? I made my mom add “Petals” to her kitty named Zuzu cuz the kitten adopted my folks at xmas time. It’s Zuzu’s petals!

  117. Beware. Vampire Brotherhood on the prowl. You’ve rattled their chains. Wait, do vampires rattle chains? What the hell. Watch out.

  120. So so awesome. I love the vegan thing. And that the dog isn’t living in the apartment if his paws never touch the ground. You are a treasure

  122. Seems like I’ve seen a lot of vampires of the Spatial variety in various SciFi series… The white-haired dudes with long hair that hibernate forever?? Oh, wait! Stargate Atlantis Wraiths. Also? There was a Space Vampire Choose Your Own Adventure book: http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/191097.Space_Vampire and apparently, a punk rock album called “Space Vampires vs. Zombie Dinosaurs”. Google + ADD is a dangerous thing.

  123. You probably haven’t heard back from him because he’s busy pitching HBO a new series idea… “Space Vampires.”

  124. Penis-less vegan vampires of Bloggessistan, unite!
    So I guess Brad could become a member of PVVB, but would he really want to?

  125. Not reeeaaally sure I want to live forever.

    Useless information[TM:] Zuzu was George Bailey’s youngest daughter in “It’s A Wonderful Life.” Zuzu was probably baby talk for Susie because people named their kids Susan back in the day. Zuzu was upset that petals had fallen off her flower and her dad pretended that he stuck them back on but actually he hid them in his pocket, which may or may not be a life lesson you want to teach your kids. Anyway at the end of the movie George knew he was alive again because he found the petals in his pocket. Also a rock band.

    Thanks again Ms. Bloggess for the yux.

  126. I literally just peed my pants from laughing so hard ! Thank you ZuZu 😂😂

  131. Seriously how did you get so clever??? What does it feel like to be such an awesome writer?!?!

  134. Why is your life consistently fifty million times cooler than everyone else’s?? Unfair.

    And now you’re going to be cooler than us for all eternity.

  137. As a healthcare professional and a Romanian, I will tell you that $150usd for blood is a steal. Do it! Get thee to Kickstarter!

  138. Thank God, he’s still undead. I was worried that he had umm, lived?
    Thank YOU!!! I’ve had a shit day and this has given me sunshine and rainbows and unicorn farts! Tho, I suppose all that kinda goes against the grain of the whole dark, vampirey vibe.
    I love you!

  140. Anonymous | January 4, 2017 at 11:10 pm
    This is Awesome Im Going to start doing this to practice my writing & people skills Needed this badly today THANKS

  141. What do you even EAT if you’re a space vampire? Do you just sort of drift around hoping to catch a stray frozen vole or something? Maybe there are space stoats? Stoats are neglected in many aspects of daily life. This is sad. Maybe you could suck some shit off a planet or something. Vacuuming space vampires. DARK MATTER YES. This explains so much…

  142. Man the only offers I’ve gotten that are even remotely supernatural are for a psychic reading. Vampire lord/ladyship is much more enticing. Make sure you steal Brad’s ascot if he’s already been made a vampire because he doesn’t deserve any nice things during eternal vampire unlife.

  143. I suspect your superior grammar and insistence on turning your dog is confusing the help out of this poor Schlub trying to scam you. Not to mention how peppy zuzu sounds. Someone is asking Do we really want a cheerleader with a purse dog in their club?

  144. I’m concerned that once you pay you’ll still have to recruit at least 6 other potential Vampire Brotherhood subscribers, and then they’ll each have to recruit 6 more, before the vampirism takes.

  145. Pingback: Funnies Thread - What you got ? (NSFW R rated) - Page 320

  146. I think he owes you money for all the free advertising. Optimal product placement

  147. Oh the delicious, delightful irony of an internet scammer declaring “I don’t have time for this.” Also, if people are so gullible that there really is money to be made in selling fake vampire blood I think I really do want to leave Earth. I have a plan to do it, too, and if you want to come with me on my highly-engineered super rocket made entirely of yarn and powered by thousands of monarch butterflies, all you have to do is send me 100 gold dubloons. Just email me at gottarockit at hotmail if you’re interested. (Just kidding. A yarn rocket with butterflies in the engine wouldn’t actually work because something something physics. Also, most people can’t get their hands on gold dubloons since they’re not really accepted currency, unless maybe if you’re a pirate? Do pirates still use dubloons or have they moved on to bitcoin? Mysteries to ponder…)

  148. This is very disappointing. I already made my application to the brotherhood and now it seems like it might not be legit!
    Embarrassing!

  149. Well, it’s good to know we can have Jenny awesomeness for THE REST OF ETERNITY. Three cheers for illiterate vampire lords!

  150. OMG! This is awesome with a side of awesome sauce right there! Please keep us up to date on your progress into the (afterlife, underworld, undead – not sure what you call vampirism) lol.

  152. Just wondering… Once you’re a vampire, can’t you convert Lil Schnitzel yourself? If I were the Vampire Lord, I would be having second thoughts about this whole thing, since now you just sound lazy, like you won’t even bite your own dog to save him.

  155. Oh this is so funny, I am so tempted to do this! The amount of nonsense that arrives via the inbox should really be dealt with this in this manner. You have made my day… Now where to start on mine. Thanks for sharing.
    .

  157. You should totally send him the cover of Toxic and suggest it as the new official song of the Vampire Brotherhood. If the sounds of discordant recorders playing along to Britney Spears doesn’t summon the Dark Overlord then I don’t know what will! (P.S. I love that you have the same fear(?) as me of being turned into a vampire for all eternity while not at your preferred weight. “Wait! Before you bite me, give me a few months to crash diet and then come back?”)

  161. I laughed so hard that I had a huge coughing fit and peed myself a little bit while I was sitting in front of my classroom of 10th grade students who are reading a slightly boring short story from their textbooks. The laugh was totally worth peeing myself a little. In fact, I’ll even thank you for it. Thank you for making me pee myself.

  162. Am I the only one pretty sure the postal service doesn’t allow the shipping of blood, vampire or not? Or maybe vampire blood is different and doesn’t set off alarm bells. Seriously though, what do you suppose they tell the post office they have in that shipping container?! Yeah, maybe this is just me thinking this.

  164. This is awesome and MUST become your next book. Just a small book of Vampire Correspondence. Please, please, please, please, please?!

  165. This is awesome! If you do join the brotherhood, please let us know how that works out. I’d love to join as well, but I have a lot of cats and I can’t be a vampire without them. If I have to pay $150 for every cat I’ve got…I wonder if the brotherhood can give me a payment plan because that would help a lot.

  166. I also got this email! I was hoping it was some genius marketing scheme for a series of vampire romance novels or something. No such luck I guess…

  167. I desperately needed this. Please don’t let this exchange between the vampire overlord and you ever end!

  169. So many questions. Is the blood human? Will it turn you into a vampire? Do you drink it or put it in an IV? What about the dog? I have cats, and I think they may already be leaning vampire. Also, has the blood been tested for vampire viruses? How does it get shipped because the USPS doesn’t deliver human blood (don’t ask how I know that)? Help!

  171. I think it’s important that everyone know there is no special font only werewolves can read. Trust me: when you’re out werewolfing you don’t have time to read anything. It’s why werewolves make the worst book club members ever.

  172. Migrate your fear, indeed.

    OMG this is great. I don’t do enough drinking and trolling phishing emails anymore. Thanks for sharing this one and have fun in the afterlife!

  173. ZuZu Petals – Adventures of Ford Fairlane–Luv that movie! Here’s to you…how is it that quote is the only one I remember….lol

  174. I wish I could be as wonderfully, hilariously ridiculous as you.
    Also, you need to ask about the vampire/sunlight issue. Will you become the type of vampire that catches fire when they go out in the sun, or will you just become extra sparkly in the sun? This is important. And inquiring minds want to know.

  175. Just to let you know, while the vampires may be mysogynistic, rest assured Jenny, the rest of us are fine with your vagina

    I literally just got home from a stay in emergency after having a seizure. this is my first contribution to society since my discharge

    Note to self, probably next time dont mention vagina and discharge in the same post….

  178. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
    I spent my afternoon @ work visualizing the look on Master Paul’s face every time ‘he’ received a response/MORE questions from ZuZu Petals!
    This brings back (many moons ago) memories of when my Dad and his buddy would get together with their accumulated ‘junk’ mail and (supposedly) send one company’s offer to a different company (supposedly) using the pre-paid envelope provided by one of the solicitors! Brilliant! You have made my heart laugh and my eyes smile once again.

  180. Maybe I don’t read enough about vampires, but I was under the impression that you had to be bitten by one to become one. Are you supposed to inject this bag of blood or just drink it? So many questions! Keep trying, Jenny!

  181. Totally off topic, but I got my mom addicted to your books and instagram. She would like us to be friends. Totally a thing that isn’t creepy. Side note: your Beyonce has inspired some strange rooster decor. Cheers.

  182. Totally off topic, but I got my mom addicted to your books and instagram. She would like us to be friends. Totally a thing that isn’t creepy. Side note: your Beyonce has inspired some strange rooster decor. Cheers.

  184. I think Lil Snitzel the Dark One needs an upgrade to Lord Snitzel the Dark One. And… that poor pug. Wow.

  185. You forgot to make your skin glittery! Glitter, that’s what makes a TRUE vampire, Jenny. Geez.

  186. I want to join…does one have to have a small dog? I have a fat cat and a Bull Mastiff puppy, he is not small but small for his breed, because he is a puppy. Please send three membership forms because Jack is not a he or a she, he something delightfully in-between. Loki the Bull Mastiff Puppy because every vampire needs a good protector. You know for when you are sleeping(hiding) from the sun, because it burns and if you are the special kind of vampire you are afraid someone might try to peel off your sparkly skin for a bad club dress.

    My brain is in control I apologize.

  187. I am shocked that someone besides me has watched The Adventures of Ford Fairlane.lol

    Ex-husband #1 used to say he was the Vampire Prince of St. Louis. I think (hope) he meant because he played Vampire The Masquerade…I assume so anyway. 😉

  189. I would HAPPILY pay a few (like 3, but not more than 4) dollars to be in the Ladyhood of Vampires. But could we go all fancy pants and spell it Vampyres? Jenny, PLEASE make this happen! You’re already the head of the Church, now you can be our Very High, But Not Too High In Case She Falls, Most Supreme Mistress of Lady (And Also Male) Vampyres And Small Dogs!

  191. Oh, Jenny! Your mind is a truly beautiful thing!
    PS… saw a giant metal rooster the other day and instantly thought of you and laughed out loud in the car. By myself!
    Hugs!

  193. OMG just read the updates. You are totally making me feel MUCH better on this no good below freezing temps (because what the shit? This is Texas. Not Nebraska or some state where it snows for 3/4th of the year or something) that is making my joints slightly swollen and somewhat painful.

  195. Clearly Paul is not cut out for internet scamming. It looks like he is giving up way too easily. I mean, look how enthusiastic you, er, I mean ZuZu is! How is it that he is not trying harder to close the deal??

  197. I’m picturing the “Vampire Lord” sitting at his desk with his head in his hands saying “I’m sorry I ever heard of the Internet”. 😀

  198. I just ❤ you so much right now. This could go on forever, as far as I am concerned.

  200. And here I was picturing Lil Schnitzel as a wiener dog…

    Thank you so much for the laughs, I’ve needed this!

  207. Maybe you could set up a go fund me page so you can get the required vampire blood? I’d kick in a few dollars for that…just sayin’

  208. Pingback: And that’s why you can’t trust vampires. « Fribliss

  210. Now this is the way to start 2017! Totally awesome! Also I would totally be down to join you sisterhood.

  212. Ok, I am officially weirded out. Not only could you be my doppelganger but my nickname in college was zouzous petals….given to me by a friend who was a boy and who had a crush on me. Back when everyone had wacky email names I chose zouzous_petals@ and I have never bothered to change it. That was somewhere in the neighborhood of 20 years ago.

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  214. Just…thank you. I’ve been having massive chest pains bc of work and life and everything today and thought… shower, crying jag and hope for a hole to swallow me… and I got to shower and jammies and then I found this… exactly what I needed. A really good laugh – I always knew that misogynistic vampires with awkward writing skills would be the ones who would be out there… not the hot ones with the forever love and mind-blowing sex and cash for eons… THEY are in space, apparently, if I’m following correctly.

    Again, thank you for replacing the planned cry with the surprising laugh.

  215. Scampires! Like scampi, but bitier! This is now my favourite phisher-trolling ever. (The previous best involved someone rickrolling a Lonesome Femmebot.)

  216. But wait, do vampires with vags have their period? You are the new resident Vampire, Jenny. These are the questions that need to be answered!

  217. Pingback: ReBlog – UPDATED: I’m gonna be a vampire. Maybe. – The Bloggess | Brickley Jules Writes
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  220. Pingback: Good Things: Week Two – Listy Lemon

  221. My name is Maria, I want to inform everyone out there to be careful, because the are people who claim to be a vampire and most of them turn out to be scam and that is how they collected my money….i’m happy that i later found a real vampire, who turn me into a vampire and his name is Wallace Graham and you can contact him via email: wallec_graham@outlook.com

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  224. Pingback: #25 of All the Things – All The Things I've Learned and Love

  225. Vampire” may make spelll beliving .
    Like make up . in. May belinv in face .re ” myslef .. Ares.

  226. my name is Michael and i want everyone to know that they are fake vampires out there….and i want to use the medium to say big to you to my very good friend who directed me to a vampire lord….His name is Wallace Graham, whom later turn me into a vampire….you can contact me through email: michaelcortes846@gmail.com and you can also contact Wallace Graham through this email: wallec_graham@outlook.com

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  229. My name is Marina and i want to inform everyone that their a lot of scam out here, that is how i was cheated of $2000 last year, before i later met with Michael Cortes the vampire man. Whom later turn me into a vampire and through him i later find out that vampires are not ritual or spiritual things, so be careful of what people are telling you. If you want to become a vampire you can contact Michael Cortes through email: michaelcortes846@gmail.com he is very friend.

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  231. hello everyone here is an opportunity for you.if you want to join the great illuminati to get Richs and be famous in life if you are interested here is our email address(morisondavid01@mail.com) or whatsApp us on +2348117665092.?

  233. Hello, everyone, my name is Mirek Louro, I am very excited because it’s like a dream come true, I am here to share my testimony on how I got help by (Mr. Volkov Hartman) to become an original vampire. I have searched on a different website and I also have lost money to many scammers in the process. but when I met with Mr. Volkov Hartman” it was really different and he explains to me and sends me a blood via courier service. you can contact Mr. Volkov Hartman via email. ( volkov73@reborn.com ) when next you think to contact someone to help you become a vampire I recommend you to Mr. Volkov Hartman, Am very proud to be one of them now, I’ve no reason to be scared to give my testimony to the world. In case you are interested contact Mr.Volkov Hartman, thanks for taking your time

  234. Hello, everyone, my name is Mirek Louro, I am very excited because it’s like a dream come true, I am here to share my testimony on how I got help by (Mr. Volkov Hartman) to become an original vampire. I have searched on a different website and I also have lost money to many scammers in the process. but when I met with Mr. Volkov Hartman” it was really different and he explains to me and sends me a blood via courier service. you can contact Mr. Volkov Hartman via email. ( volkov73@reborn.com ) when next you think to contact someone to help you become a vampire I recommend you to Mr. Volkov Hartman, Am very proud to be one of them now, I’ve no reason to be scared to give my testimony to the world. In case you are interested contact Mr.Volkov Hartman, thanks for taking your time.

  235. hello everyone here is an opportunity for you.if you want to join the great illuminati to get Richs and be famous in life if you are interested here is our Agent instegram name lightofblessings or whatsApp us on +39 351 092 2535 or call +1 347-913-9835.

  236. Hello my name is John, I’m from Canada, I want to share my testimony on how I became an original vampire. I had always wanted to be an original vampire due to certain difficulties I was been faced with as a human. It got to a point where I almost gave up my dreams of being a vampire, one faithful day I was surfing the Internet then I came in certain with a vampire group with an email address which I followed up with. I’m glad I contacted them, they helped me achieve my dream of becoming an original vampire. It a dream come true for me. You can also testify like me just by contacting mr. James Murphy via this email address: Jamesmurph@reincarnate.com
    This is real. I’m a proud original vampire

  237. Hi Folks, my name is Justin and I’m here to share my testimony on how I got help turned into an original vampire, One thing it’s certain and it works with your beliefs and what you desire to become a greater someone in future, when I met my sire, Mr. Alan Myers, he explained everything to me and at that moment was everything I have ever dreamed of and how it happened it was very fast when I followed all their terms and conditions, and today I’m a greater someone in my society and I’m proud member of Mr. Alan Myers family bloodline as an original vampire and I stand to enjoy all the benefits of a vampire… And if you wanna know what I’m talking about contact Mr. Alan Myers via email ( alanmyers_vampcommunity@reborn.com ) and in 3 working days a vampire blood will be sent to you and you will be initiated into their vampire community and you have dominion and power of wealth and fame

  238. Being a vampire has certain limitations, but it can also be a ton of fun. Your extra strengths and abilities can make you successful in almost every endeavor you participate in and before you know it the money and acquaintances will come streaming in. You can build wealth and gain prestige and notoriety and attempt things you may never have even considered as a human. One thing you will definitely have more of is time. Beef up your education and learn all you every wanted to. Travel the world to see things most people only ever see on TV This is going to be especially fun if you turned to share your life with one of us. Let us show you the wonders of the world. Learn new languages, go skydiving or scuba dive with sharks, visit the African safari. You no longer need to be scared of nature or wildlife you will have become the worlds strongest predator. Have fun with it and your life as a vampire can be more fulfilling than you ever dreamed. Explore, experiment, experience and get excited. There’s a big world out there with lots to see and do and as a vampire, you can do it all, if willing and ever ready to be a full blooded vampire with powers and mighty great skills then these is the opportunity for you to get transformed and turned into a vampire, contact the mighty hindu priest and also he is a vampire lord, find him on his email and lay your request and heart wishes to him, trust me you will find him on: Vampirelordtransformerchanging@gmail.com

  239. Hello folks, My name is Justin, I’m here to share how I met with Mr. Volkov, before I got transform into a vampire, I always have the belief within that I was destine to be higher being and I even dreamt of it like I’m living a second life, I was in search for a solution until I find an article that referred me to contact Mr. Volkov, And he told me about the dedication and the advancement of the human species by taking oaths and the pledges are a core tradition of the vampire community. and it was pretty much my desire and I follow the terms and I gave a try and it really works out for me, I’m not here to convince or advertise anything, give a try by contact via email: ( volkov73@reborn.com ), In a space of 5 days, A vampire blood will be sent to you via courier, giving a try doesn’t worth any harm. thanks and good luck.

  240. Wait the same thing is happening to me but a different email tho they say I need to give them 150 dollar for vampire blood and ring and I said I don’t have a job and still too young and they told me to just get itune girly cards and sent it to them and then they keep asking me for itune gift cards and adding more and more money to it like I think they are finding excuses just to get me to sent them Itune gift cards idk am I being scammed?

  241. Hello my friends, I want you all to know that becoming a vampire is not ritual or spiritual, as all this imposter’s are saying here….Last year i was scam twice and i lost a lot of money, by all this imposter’s here…Thanks to Graham English who later make me vampire, which i later find out that becoming a vampire is not ritual or spiritual…You can contact Graham English for more info: grahamenglish1967@outlook.com and my name is peter blinston.

  242. Are you tired of being human, having talented brain turning to a vampire in a good posture in ten minutes, Do you want to have power and influence over others, To be charming and desirable, To have wealth, health, without delaying in a good human posture and becoming an immortal? If yes, these your chance. It’s a world of vampire where life get easier,We have made so many persons vampires and have turned them rich, You will assured long life and prosperity, You shall be made to be very sensitive to mental alertness, Stronger and also very fast, You will not be restricted to walking at night only even at the very middle of broad day light you will be made to walk, This is an opportunity to have the human vampire virus to perform in a good posture. If you are interested contact us on Vampirelord7878gmail.com

  244. Being a vampire has certain limitations, but it can also be a ton of fun. Your extra strengths and abilities can make you successful in almost every endeavor you participate in and before you know it the money and acquaintances will come streaming in. You can build wealth and gain prestige and notoriety and attempt things you may never have even considered as a human. One thing you will definitely have more of is time. Beef up your education and learn all you every wanted to. Travel the world to see things most people only ever see on TV This is going to be especially fun if you turned to share your life with one of us. Let us show you the wonders of the world. Learn new languages, go skydiving or scuba dive with sharks, visit the African safari. You no longer need to be scared of nature or wildlife – you will have become the worlds strongest predator. Have fun with it and your life as a vampire can be more fulfilling than you ever dreamed. Explore, experiment, experience and get excited. There’s a big world out there with lots to see and do and as a vampire, you can do it all. If your dream is to become a powerful person in life contact: Richvampirekindom@ gmail. com

  245. Do you want to become a vampire so that you can be powerful and have dominion over everything in this world, here is the best chance for you to take a challenge towards it. I want to say a very big thanks to Mr. Micheal who transformed me into vampire after taking the powerful transformation blood of the vampire, I was turned immediately and now I have powers and dominions over everything, and i am so rich and famous now. The vampire world is a great and beautiful world everybody would love to be in but those who has make up their mind can become one of us. If you’re interested and you want to become a vampire email vampirelifelordchanger@hotmail.com for instant transformation and once you are turned, you will be able to turn to vampire anytime and turn to human anytime too. Email: VAMPIRELIFELORDCHANGER@HOTMAIL.COM

  246. Do you want to become a vampire so that you can be powerful and have dominion over everything in this world, here is the best chance for you to take a challenge towards it. I want to say a very big thanks to Mr. Micheal who transformed me into vampire after taking the powerful transformation blood of the vampire, I was turned immediately and now I have powers and dominions over everything, and i am so rich and famous now. The vampire world is a great and beautiful world everybody would love to be in but those who has make up their mind can become one of us. If you’re interested and you want to become a vampire email vampirelifelordchanger@hotmail.com for instant transformation and once you are turned, you will be able to turn to vampire anytime and turn to human anytime too. Email: VAMPIRELIFELORDCHANGER@HOTMAIL.COM……….

  247. I share with you all my knowledge to whom it interest, I believe we all want to live a wealthy, long lasting life or immortal. I am a pesach vampire. I only want to give guidelines to become a vampire with great skills, Though being a vampire has certain limitations, But it can also be a ton of fun. Your extra strengths and abilities can make you successful in almost every endeavor you participate in life and before you know it the money and acquaintances will come streaming in. You can build wealth and gain prestige and notoriety and attempt things you may never have even considered as a human. you will have more time to do alot, Beef up your education and learn all you ever wanted. Travel the world to see things most people only ever see on TV. This is going to be especially fun if you turn into a vampire. Clan vampires will show you the wonders of the world. Learn new languages, Travel, Go skydiving or scuba dive with sharks, You no longer need to be scared of nature or wildlife you will become the worlds strongest predator. Have fun with it and your life as a vampire can be more fulfilling than you ever dreamed of. Experience these and get excited. There’s a big world out there with lots to see and do and as a vampire once you have received the vampire Blood and Ring. Powers, Skills, Abilities, Mights you shall poses. The only way to have all these come through is contacting the LORD MASTER on the below e-mail: worldofvampir@hotmail.com

  248. I bear a testimony of how me and my fiance became a vampire. This is how me and my fiancé became a vampire. I surfed the internet looking for ways to transform myself. When I came across an email from a man named Lord Mark. Who was a VAMPIRE so I told him that me and my fiancé always dreamed of becoming a VAMPIRE so he asked me my name, country, state, address, photo etc and asked me to go to the Hindu magic market Contact materials required for our transformation. So I did and he said a vampire will be hired to guide us and show us how to use the items. After five days, me and my fiance were totally a vampire. If you’re interested in becoming a vampire, contact him for more information on how to transform yourself too. Email: Vampire Transformation42@gmail.com

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