You need this.

in Random Crap

You know when you have something you’re really excited about but you don’t want to say it out loud because what if it goes away and then everyone is disappointed in you because you fucked it all up?  But you still want to be like, RIGHT NOW EVERYTHING IS GOOD AND MY BROKEN BRAIN IS COOPERATING AND I’M MAKING THIS THING THAT HAS TAKEN OVER MY LIFE ALL OF A SUDDEN AND KEPT ME UP WORKING UNTIL 3AM AND I WANT TO SHARE IT WITH YOU BUT AAAAHHHHHH!  That.  That is me today.  So I’m vague-posting and I fucking hate it when people do that, but know that I’m just doing it because I really want to share with you but I’m afraid if I say it out loud my brain will get constipated again.  I’ll give you a hint though:

Fiction.

‘Nuff said.

PS. Since this isn’t a real post I’m going to  share with you two things I saw today that made me laugh.

One old.  One new.  Both ridiculous.

Gotta go get back to work.

128 thoughts on “You need this.”

Read comments below or add one.

  8. Oooh fiction!! Is it going to be based on how DT became qualified to become POTUS?!! Is it a horror? Can’t wait to hear more!! Now to watch “sticky buddy” because that seems like it can’t go wrong… 😂
    Watching this space.

  9. So relatable! Every time I’m writing something new I’m torn between shoving it in front of everyone I trip across (“Hello, I know you’re just trying to buy lettuce, but could you read the opening to my new novel?) and hiding all signs of life from everyone, (“NO, there’s no one living in the house, quit ringing my doorbell with your evil boxes of sweet, sweet cookies!”)

    Break a metaphorical pencil.

  12. I actually watched this last night and felt guilty about how much it made me laugh (I’m Canadian, he isn’t my president). It also made me miss Bush – and had you said that to me 10 years ago I would not have believed you.

  16. That old woman in the Sticky Buddy is everything I needed today. Thank you for the laugh and eventual vomit.

  23. I know exactly what you mean and that’s why I am super superstitious about saying anything nice or good about my life until after its happened.

  29. ::High five:: through the interwebs.
    Thank you. Sticky buddy cracked me up. Good thing I wasn’t drinking coffee at the time.

  31. In support of your “can’t say too much or you’ll jinx/constipate the shit out of it (which is a pretty gross oxymoron) it” mentality of which I also subscribe to, all I’ll say is:
    Awesome.

  38. okay…soooo…I’m jumping up and down with joy but I do have a perplexed look on my face…is this the right reaction to your blog?

  39. I’ve been on a diet 472 times since January 1st and I haven’t told a soul because I don’t want to jinx it. Fuck! I think I just jinxed it because I wanted to make you feel less alone in your non-jinx-I-ness. Stay strong! And if you don’t, it’s okay because you’re great even doing nothing.

  40. I will be one of the first people to pre-order your novel or other work of fiction when it is published!! You go, girl!

    As for the lip reading, although it was funny I was unable to watch the whole thing. I realize that I simply cannot see that face without getting even more depressed than I already am. I’ve tried not to let it interfere with my life… but failed. I cannot imagine what horrors await us, with a truly insane egomaniac liar in such a powerful position. Not trying to insult; I believe that statement is fact. The more I see and hear the worse I realize our situation is. He is genuinely crazy. And the more I realize that the worse I feel. So my only defense is to avoid seeing and hearing anything about the situation, even if it is a mockery and intended to be funny.

    Thank you for being a sane (if delightfully nutty) haven in the insane world. 🙂

  41. That lip reading thing is funny as.
    Since the USA is currently in 26 January mode, Happy Australia day 🇦🇺🌏
    (or if you’re Indian, happy republic day for India)

  45. I’m crying from laughing so hard at the videos!!! Omg! Thank you so much!!!! Also, I know whatever you do I will love cuz you have never disappointed me 🙂

  47. I am also superstitious about good news…but that being said, I’m slowly spreading the word that I got a job offer yesterday, after 8 long months of searching for the right opportunity. Yay?

  53. Ooooh – will Hunter S. Tomcat be making an appearance? Victor and the chicken should definitely make a random appearance. Thanks for the post!

  56. I did need that.
    My girlfriend and I put in an offer in on a house that was accepted this past Sunday. Waiting for the mortgage to go through is triggering EVERY ANXIETY I have ever known. So, yes… I needed that.

  58. In exactly the same place here. Really excited but can’t talk about it. Very excited about your excitement, though! I’m much more tolerant towards positive vague-posting than negative. It’s nice to share happiness.

    Thanks for the bad lip reading – laughter is sorely needed at the moment.

  59. Thank you so much for the laugh. I loved the bad lip reading one. 🙂 I needed a good lol moment. Hilarious. And I understand about not saying anything about something or it will blow up in your face so I won’t say how exciting that sounds. 😉

  61. I’m literally crying I’m laughing so hard…especially the Sticky Buddy one. Thank you for that. Good thing I work by myself in my office.

  65. I am sick today and had to go to the doctor for a prescription. But I felt better because I was reading your book in the waiting room and giggling. The front desk girls were looking at me weird, so I think they thought I was crazy. But hey, I don’t go to a place every day where my job is to talk to sick people. WHO’S THE CRAZY ONE NOW, BITCHES? (Probably still me, but whatever.)

  69. Oh! The Netherlands! And lip syncing. And a sticky buddy to boot! Made my day. I think I might be able to get up and face the rest of it…Maybe. we’ll see. Good post.😊

  72. Thank you Jenny. I was stuck in an AT&T store on Friday where they had the inauguration on a big screen with no sound. I’m sure this would have been a better soundtrack!

  75. Jenny: THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU! I’m still wiping tears from my eyes after watching the second one. I haven’t laughed that hard in ages. I think I may have pulled a muscle in my abdomen.

  76. Fiction? Yay! I swear, there is nothing you cannot do, Lady. Other than be normal, of course, and aren’t we lucky that way, because the world would be so much dimmer if you weren’t so furiously you.

  78. I’m with Enola on the lip-reading. It may be funny but I can’t stand looking at that man. Whatever you’ve got coming, sign me up! I know it’ll be fantastic.

  79. Oh man, that bad lip reading video made me laugh so hard. Thanks again. 🙂

    And oh god..I CAN”T WAIT. Whatever it is. I CANNOT WAIT!!!!! <3 Even if it’s bad…I can’t wait.

  80. Please tell me it’s about Rory coming alive and having adventures with other taxidermy. I’d totally buy that. Or you and lil snitzul (sorry no clue how to spell that) becoming vampires and over throwing the brotherhood of vampires. PLEASE!!!!

  82. Please help this blow up in the twittesphere: https://twitter.com/halfonioninabag?lang=hu (i’m not sure how to copy twitter “url’s” but the point is: let’s make the twitter account’s Half An Onion In a Bag have more followers than our current presidents!

    It’s important and ridiculous at the same time and with all your followers, I hope we can increase followers and poke another hole in our current president’s very thin skin.

    I love you & love that you’re keeping us all real in these somewhat unreal times. Sorry for the looong comment!

  84. I died at the sticky thingy! I didn’t think I’d need that in my life but now I know I do!

  87. Wow okay I feel like you just told me my Christmas present is hidden some where on planet Earth and I don’t get to open it early. So now I am imagining all kinds of things that it could be but probably isn’t

  89. I woke up this morning to Meghan Trainor’s Me Too running through my head (check it out on youtube). If I have to have a song I can’t get out of my head, at least this one is fun and positive!

  90. Omg I am still laughing and have shared this with everyone I know! Only thing is, this post probably needed a “do not watch at work” disclaimer. I work at a faith-based institution and so ended up with my door shut, facing the wall, body shaking from laughter which probably looked more like a seizure…

  94. Yay! I can only imagine that fiction by you will be AWESOME!

    I’d seen the inaugural one already, but the Sticky Buddy one was new to me and OMG!! I stopped it halfway through and called my husband over because that was something better watched with someone else to laugh with! The old lady! I can’t take it! Lol. By the way, I’m pretty sure that you introduced me to the Honey Badger video via your blog a few years ago, so thanks again for that one too.

  96. I have a fiction addiction, so yes please be my dealer. That kinda sounds bad. Sorry. I mean it in the nicest way.

  97. Thank you SO MUCH for the Bad Lip Reading laughs…. I really needed that today!! I know it’s supposed to be funny (and it is) but … am I the only one who thinks that it’s what they’re really saying? I mean, it looks SO much like what they’re really saying!

  98. Thanks for the bad lip reading. Or should I say, alternative facts. Or truthful subtext.

    As for the fiction thing, if it helps, all fiction writers have periods where we think the muse will abandon us, or we’ll run out of ideas, or, when we’re slogging through the middle, we’ll never be able to get to the end. And then we think it’s all crap and we walk away, and a month later, when we read the manuscript, it’s not bad. Not bad at all. Or, we’re able to see the flaws, and how to fix ’em.

  99. Thank you!!! I needed to laugh very badly. I feel like America has fallen down the rabbit hole and the whole country has gone mad! Both sides and the middle. I have had my pillow fort on standby all week and I am considering not reading any more news until people calm down….wait-I hope they will eventually. But maybe they won’t? I am pretty sure I can’t live like this for 4 whole years. Whatever you are working on- I am sure it is amazing and we will be so glad that you waited until it’s done to unveil its magnificence. 🙂

  104. JENNY–don’t know if you are going to read this or not…..but I have tried three times to subscribe to this blog and never get the “activation email”. I clicked on the “contact us” each time and re-entered my email address, and it keeps saying “we are unable to locate your record. Are you sure you entered the email address correctly?” Well, yeah. It’s my email address. I don’t know if you or anyone else can help, and it’s hardly an earth-shattering problem but I would love to be a subscriber if this problem can be fixed.
    thanks
    –Enola

  105. During NaNoWriMo this past year, I completed a draft of something I have been working on for 15 years. Every day I sat down to write and was stunned when anything came out. Then I had 50,000 words. I tell you this because my broken brain cooperated. I am still working on it. You can do this. You got it.

  110. Thought someone in this community might like this –

    REW30-HO1Y0B
    REW15-TDVTVV

    These are gift codes for 1 month free subscription to Headspace, a great meditation program. https://www.headspace.com Obviously each only works once but even if the code is used you can get 10 days free anyway and I’ve found it worth doing, it helps me keep balanced.

  114. Any chance that you have 2 copies of your coloring book still available for sale?

    (It doesn’t come out until March. 🙂 ~ Jenny)

  117. ‘And behold I will send them the Bloggess, and there will be much laughter and joyous weeping and excitement for things to come, thus sayeth the universe.’ AltScripture 3:4-6

  119. Jennifer:
    I came to your blog hoping for some humor to brighten my day, which I did find some, but I have a question: Why the vulgar language? I feel you have good things to say and good ideas, so why discredit those things with the use of crass words? Your intelligence is compromised greatly.
    At the risk of thinking it matters to you, I will express that I feel insulted and hurt when I come upon crude and profane writings. It taints my thoughts and soul. Thanks for your time.

    (That’s just how my mind works. Sorry. There used to be a website called The Clean Bloggess where a guy took out all the bad words or questionable statements I used so his grandmother could read it but I don’t think it exists anymore. But I don’t blame you at all if it’s too much for you. It’s not for everyone and that’s okay. 🙂 ~ Jenny)

  120. So, sorry, (I’m Canadian so I have to say that first), this has nothing to do with your post besides being random. I found this chess set on line today, and thought you would like to know about it. https://goo.gl/images/dpNK40

  121. thanks for sharing. I had been shown the Bad Lip one before, glad it’s doing the rounds, i cried, it was hilarious! The second one cheered me up also 🙂

  122. FINALLY! It’s the 5 second rule as it applies to various foodstuffs! 🙂 Start saving now!

  123. If “the clean bloggess” doesn’t exist anymore, would you be willing to authorize one of us in the tribe to start it back up? Having worked in libraries & publishing, I wouldn’t dream of doing it without author consent…. but I’d love to have a PG version because there are as many children affected by mental conditions as adults — because every child had parents even if those parents are no longer in their life.

  126. OMG Thank you so much for the lip reading. Personally I could swear that right after Obama took off, Melania turned to Trump and asked “Who was that, anyway?” And Trump answered “You dingbat, that was the Obamas.” Somebody find me the video—I swear that’s what it looked like!

  128. Pretty funny! Check out bad lip readings versions of starwars. Weird and funny! Thank you for making me laugh.

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