If it’s whatever day this is I must be sick.

in I am totally overrated, Random Crap, YOU ARE HERE

Today I planned on going over all the craziness of the book tour but I’m postponing for a bit because I’ve come down with a mild case of I-HAVE-THE-PLAGUE-AND-I’M-GOING-TO-DIE.  And I asked Victor to feel my head to see if I have a fever and he was like, “Ew.  No.  Why do you always ask me to touch you when you’re sick?  People like you are the reason why typhoid spread so far” and I was like, “OMG, you are totally over-reacting.  But also, does my urine taste weird?” and then the people behind us at the taco shop moved to another table and that’s how you get privacy.  And also maybe typhoid.

PS. YOU ARE HERE: An Owner’s Manual for Dangerous Minds is #2 on the NYT bestseller list.  WHAT.  You did that, y’all.

“I’M NUMBER TWO!” ~ Things I didn’t think I’d scream excitedly in front of strangers until this happened.

PPS.  If you want a signed copy and couldn’t make it to a signing then you can go to Book People’s website and order one.  I’ll drop by and sign books as soon as the plague has passed.  Just write what you want me to personalize in the comment section of their website at checkout.  They ship everywhere.  (And I’ll sign any of my other books too.  Your wish = my command.  Unless your wish is for me to stop asking you to feel my head when I’m sick.  Sorry.  That’s what you signed up for, Victor.)

111 thoughts on “If it’s whatever day this is I must be sick.”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. There’s no problem Victor in touching Jenny if you wash your hands afterwards.
    I hope you feel better soon and less like you have a plague of some sort.

  6. NOW you’re going to personalize copies from book people? Seriously? I wish I had known that before I had ordered my signed copy. Your other books with personalizations are going to be SO CONFUSED now.

  8. I thought it was an unwritten Southern Commandment that you touch your loved one’s forehead to see if they’re running a fever.

    #SouthernRules

  9. Maybe you were eating asparagus…oh, wait–you said “tastes” weird. Does it TASTE like asparagus? In which case, wash it down with a little Oil of Oregano…

  10. Regarding your tag on this post – YOU ARE NOT OVERRATED! I love reading you, and thank the gods for the day i was introduced to your writing. Furiously Happy was a great book for my friends to understand my head, and YOU ARE HERE is so much more than your awesome designs. I need a second copy so I can have the writing AND the designs.

  11. Hope you feel better soon! And Victor is totally off my zombie-apocalypse team if he won’t feel foreheads for fevers… if he gets sick from that, it’s either due to poor hygiene (on his part- wash your hands before eating) or he has a poor immune system. I mean technically, so do you for being sick, but I’d like to think auto immune disorders are really just evolution staying ahead of the zombie apocalypse and really your immune system is ready to fight the zombie virus but since it’s not there, it attacks yourself. Like Crohn’s Disease attacks the intestines but if you get intestinal parasites, it just attacks those and saves your intestines. So you’re on my team because you won’t become or spread Zombie-Itis or whatever you call the disease once you’ve contracted the virus (PS, bonus points to everyone who followed my logic there, you can probably be on my zombie apocalypse team as an interpreter of my brain)

  12. Sorry you have the PLAGUE! (great plague book, but the way called Year of Wonder!!) But am so excited about getting signed books from you to give for Christmas presents. (Is it OCD of me to start my Christmas shopping now?)

  13. Don’t you know you aren’t allowed to leave Texas during allergy season? You lose your immunity and then get hit hard when you come back. Just one more reason to say God Bless Texas.

  16. Jenny, I was so happy when I walked into my local campus bookstore to find Furiously Happy in the top 5 hardcover list. 😀 Now, if they’d just get the colouring book in….

  18. Hey if live a copy of that’s still possible. I love your first two books, I haven’t seen the latest

  19. Although, I’m with Victor on not tasting your urine, but we’ll totally tell assholes we don’t want on our team that they have to taste our urine everyday. If they are weird freaks who still want to be on our team, we’ll say “sorry, that was just a test. You failed. We don’t want people who drink urine here”.

  21. Ouch, plague is no fun. But it sure as fuck repels unfun people, so there’s a plus. I like being visibly sick because people leave me alone when they can actually see the icky sicky, unlike with invisible illnesses. Feeling like all kinds of ass sucks.

    gentle hugs I do not fear germs, for I work with small children. Also its impossible to contract an illness over the internet, unless you’re a computer. Then you’re just fucked. I’m glad you’re not a computer. Rest is good for you! Take care of you, we’ll be here whenever you’re up to doing the writing thing.

  22. Plague. I, too, am plagued. Back on estrogen and progesterone for my menopause symptoms. Common side effect of estrogen? MIGRAINES. So I trade a couple of debilitating menopause symptoms for a debilitating side effect of treatment. I wish you love. I wish you health. I wish you zen and peace. Namaste.

  24. Wow he won’t feel your forehead, he would think me and the Hubs are totally weird because we put our lips to each other’s foreheads. Lips sense temperature way better than hands (mostly because my hands are ALWAYS cold!). We are totally how typhoid spreads but I guess for him, that’s a risk I am willing to take.

  25. Great work at placing on Best Sellers List!!! Not so great at contacting The Plague. I had it last week. It lasted 8 days hidden in my sinuses. I am alive still. Recovered. I will send you healing energy from cosmic energy pool. Be strong!

  26. YES! I am totally putting in an order for you to sign my book with the inscription, “Does my urine taste weird, motherfucker? All the best, Jenny.” Feel better and tell Victor the reason Typhoid spread is because nobody was willing to step up and be the hero. One taste and it could have ended right there. Just sayin. FEEL BETTER SOON!

  28. There are numerous reasons why traveling leads to illness, but I’m sorry you were taken down by it. You’ve been all over though, so at least you had a great book tour before you were incapacitated.
    The people I’m always convinced will spread the plague and end civilization are people who return your change and have to make skin contact, swiping their palm against yours while giving you money. I don’t understand those people. The correct procedure is drop the money in the open palm and step away.

  29. I am such a happy women now… my super amazing wonderful man (also my long distance relationship) got me a signed copy of your book… so if you wonder who was the sietske … that’s me … an all authentic original dutchie.. thanks for spelling it right… did you try to pronounce it? Anywho so many thanks… I love it (bc it is your book and I got it from my wonderful man)

  30. I gave away 3 of the 5 copies I got (one is for a friend I haven’t seen yet and one is for ME)! So exciting! I just got my bookbag. <3 Hope the plague passes quickly.

  31. Hope you feel better! Been fighting the plague for over week now. Feel like I will either cough up a lung or sneeze my head off. Or both because I am an overachiever that way.

  32. I love that you’re listed as self-help. I mean, YOU ARE all about self-care, etc., but ya know, your Book, You Are Here, is categorized as self-help, and you’re second only to Tony-Freakin’-Robbins, of all people!

    W00t W00t!!!!!!!!

    I helped do this, and I Are Here. 😀

    … feel better, Jenny. Don’t spread Typhoid.

  33. You should lick his face! Kinda like I lick the donut I want so no one steals it. Maybe not the same. But hope you feel better! That always happens, leave house=plague. I spray people with sanitizer. They are either clean enough to touch or abruptly leave, win win.

  34. Geez, Victor…what the hell?!?! 😂😂 Hope you feel better, Jenny, I had the Plague several weeksxago and it was MISERABLE!!!

  35. I’m sorry you are sick. Probably just the stress of traveling. Even though it’s rewarding, it has a downside. I hope you get a lot of rest. I looked in Barnes & Noble today for your book and couldn’t find it anywhere. It wasn’t in humor or memoir or general stuff. I just wanted to see it in person. I’ll probably just get it on Amazon. Congrats on being #2!

  37. I’m thinking we need to show Tony Robbins he is shakeable. It seems everyone I know will be getting “You are Here” as Random Day presents. Randomly.

  38. I just opened my second copy (this one is signed), and this time I opened to different pages. It was almost like a completely different and extra added book. You have magical powers.

  40. Yay! I was so sad not to make it to a signing but this makes me super happy. Or Furiously Happy, at least. 🙂

  41. My coloring club loved the coloring book Your the One and many will be going to Targett to purchase them. So far I have done 2 pictures. Thanks Feel better

  42. Loved, loved, LOVED seeing you Monday night! Thank so much for braving everything so we could see you in person. Sorry you got the plague. It wasn’t me, I swear! Will now think of you as Montana. Lots and lots of love, Donali (originally supposed to be Donald Lee) xxoo

  44. Hope you feel better!! But at least it’s not allergies. It’s a whole different kind of torture when you’re allergic to sunshine and happiness.

  45. You made me laugh so hard. I hope you do feel better. And congratulations on your success–happy for you!

  46. The San Diego seals send their appreciation for you visit and support. You might have caught Seal Lethargy Syndrome not the plague. Easily caught by observing seal enviously lounging

    Seriously it must have been tough to face 100 adoring San Diego fans. My biggest audience was 400 and I’m sure they didn’t all love me. It was after a big earthquake and the attendees were Navy.

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

  47. I hope you get to feeling better very soon. I don’t quite understand Victor, I always ask someone to feel my forehead when I’m sick. Men are just strange. Thank you for signing books. I’m going to try to order Furiously Happy since it has helped me more than you know. Thank you for that. And being you. I’m going to write you someday soon and tell you just how much it means to me. 🙂 Anyway, get to feeling better. Congrats on the NYT list. That’s so awesome. I love You Are Here.

  50. Feel better and … I was in the bathroom reading WaPo (Washington Post) and an INTERVIEW WITH YOU WAS IN IT! WaPo is our local paper, and although I was miffed you didn’t come to VA/MD/DC at least you were in the paper! It was a positive article/interview – you could tell the reporter was totally into your book, and was deciding whether or not to rip out pages and put them on the wall.

  51. Feel better soon! A couple of plagues have recently made their way through my house so you have my sympathy. You know what had great timing, though? Your book! Coloring was one of the few things I could focus on while having the plagues. Also, my bag just showed up. YAY! (thank you!!)

  52. Congratulations! PS. I’m sick too. PPS. I may be a better sick because my ears are blocked and I wouldn’t be able to hear Victor. PPPS. Although I’m pretty sure that I could lip read his “Ew.” Oh. Disregard.

  53. The plague is going around. Perhaps you will develop super powers after surviving it.
    Bonus: Tea with lemon and whiskey.

  54. Jenny, please take care of yourself–there are a lot of nasty viruses out there right now, and I have one of them at the moment; I’m currently lying low at home for the next few days, drinking lots of fluids and getting rest under doctor’s orders. (It starts with feeling nauseated and dizzy for no reason for several days; then you get an oddly achy sore throat w/other bodily aches, some sneezing and coughing, and being wiped out; then, after several more days, suddenly your nose turns into a snotfaucet, leading to constant nose-blowing, coughing one’s fool head off, a raw and painful sore throat, a low-grade fever, and feeling as if you were run over by an 18-wheeler. I’m in Stage 3 right now and went to the doctor today to find out WTF this was and what to do about it, hence the staying-home-under-doctor’s-orders bit; since you’ve been all over the damn place lately, you may have been exposed, too. There’s not much you can do if you already have it (it’s a virus, after all), but taking care of yourself so it doesn’t turn into a sinus/ear infection or pneumonia is very important (says the woman who had pneumonia 30 years ago and can testify that coughing up blood is no damn fun). Sorry about the novelette, but I’m enough of a mama hen that I feel compelled to warn people about this, OK?

  57. I wanted to get a bookbag because I pre-ordered your book (twice actually because I’m brain damaged and forgot I’d pre-ordered it the first time and Amazon didn’t remind me) but then when I went to get my book bag they wanted my address to send it to me and I figured that was how the government was going to find me in the future because they were definitely going to go after the people who read first. And the crazy ones. So I figured it was basically a scheme to get me on a list so I didn’t get your book bag. Bummer..

  60. Well maybe if he got you a bear with arms next time he wouldn’t have to be subjected to such things….these are the things you need to thing about Victor.* Hugs * felt better

  62. People who have to fight so hard to earn their spoons should automatically receive plague immunity!BTW I just got my tote bag in the mail today. Thanks! It made me feel much better.Echomomc. echosablich@verizon.net

  63. So sorry you’re under the weather. Hmmm. what the hell does “under the weather” really mean anyway? Are you under a tornado? Under snow? Anyway, it’s actually kinda surprising you made it all the way through the tour without catching something with all the stuff going around and all that people-contact.

    Maybe this will at least cheer you up a little:
    whiskeyriversoap.com/collections/soap

    I’m not sure—maybe I first saw this stuff here on your website. If I did then this is redundant. But maybe not. I think they added a few since the last time I looked. I could spend a fortune on this stuff. Easily. And just leave them in friends’ and relatives’ bathrooms without saying a word.

    And by the way, have you seen the Donald Trump toilet paper yet. Love it but I ain’t spending $16 a roll for it. Though it is tempting. Just google “Trump toilet paper.” Hey wait a minute, I just did that and it’s gone down. Okay there has to be a really sick joke there somewhere about it going down.

    Anyway, get better soon. Not that I’m ordering you around. Just hoping.

  64. I’d be happy to kiss your forehead to check for a fever like my mom used to do for me. Unfortunately, while I do have a big mouth, I don’t think my lips will stretch from CA to TX.

    Sorry you got the “book tour bubonic.” 🙁

    P.S. Tell Victor you could be asking him to touch something else…

  66. What to hell is it about men and sickness? If they are sick, it is like they are fucking dying and it is a sniffle or two, but if I’m sick, on well,go die in the corner and leave me alone. Asshole. Get better quick.

  69. I feel kinda bad that I don’t have extra cash for the book, but I feel ANGRY that I can’t help push you past Tony Robbins to #1! Tony Robbins, America? REALLY???

  70. That’s like they tried to tell us that my dear hubby had community acquired pneumonia (CAP) in January yet I’d been drinking out of the same water bottles as him and I didn’t get CAP. I think his was more aspirating pneumonia like I had for a year before the Kaiser Permanente pulmonologist finally listened to what the radiologists had been putting on the reports and treated me for it. We also had to tell his doctors that he had ALS/Lou Gehrig’s Disease and force them to refer him to a Neurologist to get an EMG done to confirm it!

    I hope you are over the plague soonly! {hugs}

  71. Feel better soon! My book tote bag arrived today-LOVE IT! Thank you so very much. Love the book as well! Thank you, thank you! All the best with the rest of the tour and many more book sales!

  73. I bought a copy of “you are here” and was halfway through reading it. Then I noticed fresh cuts on the arm of a kid I tutor. So I gave it to her. Now I need to buy another one. Just in case you are wondering how you end up on bestseller lists.

    Feel better soon! And tell Victor he needs to suck it up, and anyway, KISSING your forehead is a more accurate way to test for rever than just touching with the hand.

  74. You’re number two! That’s awesome :-). I Iove the new book. Hope you’re feeling better soon.

  75. Congrats on being #2! I’m sure you’ll be #1 in no time. I’m glad you survived another book tour, and I hope on your next book tour (for your fiction!) that you’ll make it up to Canada. Specifically, Alberta. Wishing you a swift recovery from the plague, and sending love and hugs.

  77. I am so with you. My sisters called it “Feel my bump” when they were babies, bump meaning forehead. I hate being an adult and no one will feel my bump and confirm I have a fever!

  78. Thanks for being so cool! Officially requested a signed copy of “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened” from husband for 30th birthday. I think maybe jt qualifies as my favorite book now that I’ve listened to the audio at least 60 times…

  79. Thanks for being so cool! Officially requested a signed copy of “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened” from husband for 30th birthday. I think maybe jt qualifies as my favorite book now that I’ve listened to the audio at least 60 times…
    Ps: get well soon. I hear typhoid isn’t great
    Pps: can’t wait to read the latest book!

  82. It’s weird that Victor is so against feeling your forehead- for all of the 28 years I’ve been alive that I can remember, I’ve thought that was just a thing parents did for their kids or SOs did for each other. If one of you is sick the other probably will get it anyway so who cares? It’d only be weird if you were asking complete strangers to do it.

  83. I got my bag today! I danced and squealed (luckily, I was home alone). It came on my birthday, so I was even happier. I am getting fabric markers this weekend to color it. Thank You (and your publisher, too)!

  84. Didn’t know tacos were a cure for typhoid. That does make sense though, ‘cuz tacos rule. Hope you feel better soon Typhoid Mary.

  85. Sorry you’re not feeling well…but thanks for making me smile this morning it was seriously needed! Feel better soon.

  88. Sorry you’re sick. But it’s no wonder, looking at the photos of the crowds that came out to see you on your tour. They love you, but at least one of them contaminated you. Either that, or someone on an airplane – I get germ-skeeved out on planes. But Victor should totally feel your forehead – Does “for sickness and in health” mean nothing?? Anyway, I hope you feel better soon.

    My book bag arrived, and it’s really neat! I bought all 3 books at one time. While I’ve been reading your blog for years, I never got any of the books, until now (sorry about that, can’t explain it). I’ve started reading Let’s Pretend This Never Happen, and am really enjoying it – hard to put down. It’s weird reading it at this point because I already know so much about you from your blog. But still, so FUNNY! And informative. It makes me sooooo glad that my parents never moved to us west Texas! (we lived in Alabama for a couple years, which wasn’t great, but apparently way better than west Texas!)

  90. Awwwwww…..I’m sorry you don’t feel well. Going from state to state meeting all those weird and wonderful but germy people took it’s toll.

    Rest, rest, rest. Sleep. Water and other great for you liquids is always my remedy. I wish you all the soup and rest you need. Get well! We need you!

  92. Yuck. Feel better soon! BTW, I love “You Are Here” so much that I have now bought five extra copies to give away to friends and family!

  95. An excellent performance of spoken word poetry, very much pertinant in our world today. Please share this with those you love.

  96. Pingback: If it’s whatever day this is I must be sick. « Fribliss

  100. i have never in my life felt so happy to hear that an author’s book is #2 on the NY Times list. I am so happy for you and so proud of you and so glad that you are. (I was going to write what I was glad you are…..successful, writing, a part of my world….and so on, but realized that a full stop after the word “are” says it all.)

  103. Jenny – I just finally got my hands on You Are Here today.

    Thank you so very, very much for this book – it has told me so many things I needed to hear today. My husband has Grade IV brain cancer (which is the very worst kind there is) and is starting to decline really quite badly. But your book made me feel just a little bit less alone, and to understand that there are people out there who really do love and care about me. And cry a bit, but in a (mostly) good way.

    Thank you. Thank you for being so awesomely broken and for sharing it with the rest of us.

  104. Please don’t die! Hope you’re feeling better soon. Lots of liquids, lots of rest. By the way, I got my tote bag yesterday. I love it…thank you so much!

  105. This comment has nothing to do with your post, but I wanted to share this with you anyway and this is the best anonymous platform I can find.

    For all of my living memory, I’ve struggled with various severities of depression, anxiety, and PTSD. I used to be a two-books-a-week reader. Within the last couple years, it’s become difficult or impossible to read for any meaningful length of time. Depression and anxiety make it tough to concentrate sometimes, and I found out the hard way that rapid eye movement (like tracking words on a page) can trigger flashbacks. I’ve been slogging along, a few pages at a time, through a bunch of really good books, but inevitably I get sad and frustrated and quit before finishing a book. I don’t remember the last time I finished a book longer than a children’s bedtime story.

    Until last night!! It took me almost three months, but last night I finished a book. “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened”. Maybe you’ve heard of it 😉

    I finished it because it’s funny as hell, painfully​ relatable, and for the first time in a long time, something I was reading made me feel like I wasn’t alone. Thanks.

  107. On another note–it was so cool to see Furiously Happy for sale in a bookstore in Paris last week!

  108. Okay, when you are better imma going to need some explanation for Tiny Gentleman ( I love your book so much) but I keep visualising you saying to Victor ‘ Tiny Gentlemen just shit in the corner’. Am I wrong? Tell me I’m wrong?

  109. It stinks that you became ill during your own book tour. I’ll be sending good thoughts while reading your super-size book and taking the wonderful giant bookbag to libraries and yard sales all over. Take care!!

  110. wait. i can have you write ANYTHING i want?!
    have you gone yet or can i still get in on this?

  111. On bedrest? Sweet! What are you binge watching??? The book tour will wait for you…

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