I’m too high to write this but I’m going to anyway.

in If I was a dog I'd be dead by now, Random Crap, sickness, stuff better left unpublished, weekly reruns

So yesterday I thought it would be fun to leave free books around town and then post pictures of them so people could find them, and I finished one drop…

…and then 40 minutes later I was here:

My God, I’m photogenic. So corpselike.

Long story short, an alien was chewing its way out of my stomach and I started fainting and I couldn’t feel my hands or legs, and then I died.  Except not the last part.  But it felt like it.  Plus the pain lead to a major panic attack so basically it was a great day.  Victor was out of the State (BECAUSE OF COURSE HE WAS) but luckily, my friend Maile was there to drive me to the hospital and hold me against my wheelchair when I passed out and she stayed with me during many tests and morphine shots and she wrote down all the weird stuff I said while I was high and messaged it to me in real time because she’s awesome like that.  Also, she took that picture of me at my request so I could prove to Victor that I was in the hospital because the morphine made me worried that I was dreaming this and apparently I thought Victor would be mad when all these bills came in from my dream.

Also, the nurse left this giant thing in my bed in case I needed to vomit and when I noticed it I was like, “This is the most unrealistic condom ever”…

…and then I started talking about cosmetic vagina surgery and about how I didn’t even know what it was supposed to look like best case scenario.  Like, am I supposed to want a giant labia, or no labia at all?  What are people asking these doctors for?  Butterfly vaginas?  Tiny moths?  Vagina dentata?  I asked the nurse and she was like, “Hell if I know.  That shit’s crazy.”  She was awesome.

Also, they said I had a very elevated level of lactate (?) and I was like, “That can’t be right.  I couldn’t even breast-feed and I’m lactose intolerant.”  But apparently this was something else related to infections or shock.  In the end they gave me a bunch of meds, including one for irritable bowel syndrome and that was the one that finally made my stomach stop trying to turn itself inside out so I guess I can add that to my list of “WHY MY BODY IS AN ASSHOLE”.

I’d explain this all better if I wasn’t still on drugs to keep the alien inside me quiet.  Sorry.

PS. My spellcheck tried to change “vagina dentata” to “vagina al dente”, which is taking weird to a whole new level.  Quit it, spellcheck.

*******

And now…time for the weekly wrap-up!

sid2

 

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Story Worth, which is a pretty cool idea I think I’m going to try myself.  From them:”This year, give Mom a StoryWorth Book to preserve her stories. Each week, we’ll email her a question about her life – asking her to recount her favorite memory of her grandparents, or whether she’s ever pulled any great pranks. All she has to do is reply with a story, which is forwarded to you and any other family members you invite. At the end of the year, her stories are bound in a beautiful keepsake book your family will cherish!”  Check it out here.

182 thoughts on “I’m too high to write this but I’m going to anyway.”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. It sounds like life is attempting, albeit in a very annoying manner, to give you ample fodder for your next book. If I could manage to be as funny as you in a doped up state, I’d switch to an exclusive diet of Flintstones Chewable Morphine. Yes, I just ripped off a joke from Bart Simpson. I don’t think Matt Groening would mind knowing that every now and then, people still reference the Simpsons.

  2. I have those blue bags all over! My son has cyclic vomiting syndrome, and you never know when you’re going to need one.(They’re collapsible and I snag a few every time we’re in the ER.)

  6. Thank you for the morning laugh, Jenny. I really hope that you feel better today an that your body just stops being an asshole. Whoever found those books you put out yesterday is a super lucky one!

  7. If you found an unrealistic Penis to go with the unrealistic condom, then I think there might be need for cosmetic vaginal surgery of which you speak.

  8. Feel better soon, Jenny! I hope you stole one of the barf condoms for Victor to take on trips so he never gets public terlit water in his eye again.

  10. As someone who was an undiagnosed celiac for 30 years, this sounds very familiar. Hopenyoure feeling better soon xxx

  11. I don’t really get the change-o-snatch surgery concept. As body mod goes, it’s an odd concept. “Well, doctor… The thing is, my left labia minora is 1/8 of a millimeter puffier than my right. So I need ou to

  14. Apparently my phone thought I was done typing. Or it’s been taken over by aliens. Probably the ones that just escaped your stomach. And now I don’t remember where I was going with my imaginary vag surgery conversation.

  15. Im so sorry to hear about your latest health episode, but darn girl you’ve got me laughing out loud about it! Thanks for sharing – all of it

  16. VAgina al dente? That’s a thing now? How do you check that? Like spaghetti…toss it on the wall and see if it sticks?? I hope you feel better today. You do make a very convincing corpse too!

  18. See… now I am also wondering what vaginas are supposed to look like. I find myself faced with the epic struggle of “to Google or not to Google”, I’m not sure I want to know what people are doing to their vaginas! Have you seen those bagel forehead pictures? God only knows what crazy stuff people do to their vagina!
    This brings to mind a friend who told me that in her class on forensics they had taught her that one of the standard questions to help identify bodies at the scene of mass accidents was to ask family members if the victim had any identifying characteristics including any “identifiable patterns shaved into their pubic hair” I guess they should add “do they have a remarkably fancy vagina” to the list?

  19. So sorry that your stomach attacked you. What a motherfucker!! I hope things have calmed down and that you don’t get too many vagina pictures in response to this post.

  23. I think the real takeaway here is that stomach drugs take your creativity to a different level, which is then given an assist by the ever f’d up spell check. Therefore, you should probably have stomach problems whenever you’re feeling stuck and looking for new ideas.

    I should open a consulting firm and charge large sums of $ for advice like this!

  25. Oh, my gosh! I am so sorry you were that sick! And I thought my ill was weird, but sister, you be illin’. Everyone needs a friend in real life who will take down the weird things we say when we’re sick. I usually get all maudlin and tell my husband how sorry I am and all that. Rarely anything interesting.

    I hope you’re feeling better soon! I got my poster yesterday. Or rather, husband got it for me because I was working. I wanted to go myself, but I was covered in mud that smelled suspiciously like feces and was too embarrassed to go anywhere but home.

  27. Sorry you are dealing with this (and autocomplete wanted that to be “sorry you are dead “). And not to alarm you further, but if this happens again make sure they check the ammonia level in your body. A recent NYT article a out a woman with repeated stomach problems and lost consciousness turned out to have a genetic problem that made her laugh ver not able to process proteins.

    Here’s the article:
    https://mobile.nytimes.com/2017/04/27/magazine/what-caused-this-college-students-stomach-pain-and-vomiting.html

  28. You are the reason I wish I understood Twitter. Sorry your body is an asshat. Hope you feel better soon.

  29. My body quit on me again today also. I made the mistake of thinking to myself, “Hey my back hasn’t been hurting!” BIG mistake.

  30. Of course, Victor was gone. My husband always asks why things fall apart when he’s traveling too. I also had a giant condom vomit bag when I was in the hospital. They are such an improvement over the little kidney shaped bowls…that is if you hit the bag. If you projectile over the top, then you have a huge mess on your lap. Feel better soon.

  33. I’m sorry for your awful bad shitty day. But , thank you for the hilarious way of which you recounted it. Vagina al dente! The comments by your followers also cracked me up.

  34. I agree with desertcurmudgeon, sounds like you’ve got material for a new book, you could always call it, ‘It’s a bobcat Jenny – my ramblings on painkillers and other strange things’.

  35. I was once given one of those condom-vomit bag thingys. I’m kinda glad they give those, the little trays they use to have were just a metal/plastic splash inducer. I mean, how could anyone think that would contain a full vom?! I doubt it would contain my cat’s yerk! I know he’s a big cat but still! A full person can not be expected to ‘paint’ the inside of one of those and not have it just roil on out and down the front of the sick person. If you are a hospital (okay, I know people can’t be a real hospital or a building, but I think you know this. Why are we discussing this right now? Back to where I left off) I think you should at least give a sick person a bucket to vom in. Taller sides and deeper means no messy sick person.
    I am now realizing that I’ve been rambling on about things to yerk in. Please forgive me. I had a really bad couple of weeks. And last week ended with me in spoon deficit. I am worried I won’t have any spoons for next week because I borrowed/used them all last week.
    I’m gonna stop now as I don’t know how to end this post.

    E

  36. Eeep. Sorry your body is attacking you, and I hope it stops soon. Feel better soon. (And consider getting a fainting couch or Chaise Longue to collapse elegantly upon in such situations)

  37. You never cease to amaze me, Jenny. I am astounded and inspired by your ability to see the absurd in any situation and how you always find a way to laugh even when your body is a relentless asshole. You have taken vagina surgery to a whole new level and have given me lots to think about. Thank you. Keep being you, and I hope you feel better soon! Love you, girl! xo

  38. I hope you feel better today. But vagina al denta made me laugh and then I started choking from laughing so hard. Truly, I hope today is a better day. Hugs.

  39. Was the IBS drug Viberzi, the one with annoying commercial? Do you have a gallbladder? Not trying to panic you, but my Doctor’s office called awhile ago to check on that…no gallbladder, no Viberzi. Hope I didn’t add to the problem.. feel better!

  40. Betty, I cannot thank you enough for your link. I had an episode of severe gastroenteritis a couple of days ago and passed out on the bathroom floor. I DO have a compromised liver due to a genetic disorder. Next time it happens, I will seek medical treatment.

  41. Girl I feel you! My body hates me as well. I was in the hospital numerous times last year and this! I won’t say why cause our anxiety doesnt need anymore fodder! haha

    Glad you’re feeling better though. xo

  42. Vagina Al dente, for those who like their vag just a little under done. Feel better Jenny, I hope you will have no need for the vomit condom (side note, my auto correct wanted that to read: vomit condo, there’s an image!) Anyway, your body may be a jerk but you got this🌼🌼🌼🌼❤

  43. I’m wondering what part of the picture constitutes “unrealistic condom”. Size, color, printing, crinkly material or all of the above? An astute observation considering your state of health.

  45. The “vagina al dente” is killing me and reminding me of a product I saw recently at my local Goodwill. It’s called the “Veggetti”. You make pasta out of vegetables or some shit. My mind keeps turning it into “vaggetti”, which is now my new word for all things vagina!

  46. To be fair, I work in animal medicine so I know a bit about lactate increasing as a sign of shock, and if an alien were actually climbing out of your abdomen I would expect to see high lactate values. Also, the morphine would effect the alien too, because, if it has been growing in your abdomen, it would be using your body for nutrients, so it probably just stopped crawling out of your abdomen because it got high too. You should get X-rays and maybe an ultrasound before they stop the morphine to confirm that no alien is in there just to be on the safe side. (PS- don’t worry, this is not how I practice animal medicine… though humor is definitely how you survive working in a veterinary ER without crying everyday! But I usually recommend x-ray and/or ultrasound for abdominal pains that severe to rule out foreign bodies and pancreatitis so maybe it is how I practice… I just never mention aliens)

  48. im interested to know what med they gave you for the irritable bowel that actually fucking worked. i want some.

  49. Damn. Bodies really are assholes sometimes. You were just trying to spread a little extra love and goodness around. Then your body got all assholey about it and was like, “Nope. I’m not doing this. I’m not doing shit today. I’ll just create some general fuckery so I can take a break. And it’ll be some painful crap so I can get high too!” Total asshole. Hope you’re feeling better ❤

  50. perhaps they have nice colour brochures of a whole array of vaginas in the surgeon office for you to browse through and make your choice, when you’ve chosen just place your order with the nurse ” I’ll have a number 22 to go please”. 😃 designer vagina drive thro!

  51. Jeez almighty, I was just telling my body it was horrible and I hate you for what you’re doing to me but I’m sorry, you win. Hope you get out of the hospital very quickly and back in comfort of your home feeling much better. You are one strong and brave woman [on a side note – I initially forgot the ‘b’ while typing brave so it came out as rave and would have stayed that but I managed to notice. But anyway, you could be a woman who regularly attends raves so if you are, I hope you get better so you can get back into that 😬

  52. …. and you still managed to post despite a hospital visit? Your crazy wins the overachiever internet badge, AGAIN.

  54. Oh gosh, Jenny. That photo of you in the hospital seriously gives me chills. Please take only the best care of yourself, because you are fabulous and loved.
    And, “vagina al dente” gave me, as your blog often does, my (probably only) laugh of the day.
    ACK…the mental images from that just won’t quit!!:-)

  56. 2 migraines in 2 weeks. This is the first day that I’m starting to feel more human, rather than some half-blind, cave dwelling, proto-hominid. Checked my email and there’s a blog update from you, so I read it, and it made me smile. Thank you for all your sweet, wacky, and awkward absurdity.

  57. I’ve had the alien in the stomach pain while my husband was out of town (because of COURSE HE WAS!) It was actually on Thanksgiving so I didn’t get any turkey, which was just cruel. I have been on gently foe awhile now and no more IBS or pain that makes me want to rip my insides out to make it stop. I hope you’re feeling better. My body is an asshole too. It sucks.

  58. I was diagnosed with IBS in high school, and when I have an attack, it feels EXACTLY like an alien chewing its way out of my stomach. I also ended up in the ER for it once, and even though I tried to explain to them what was causing my pain, I went through hours of excruciating tests, and a pelvic exam, and catheterization, before they finally agreed with me, gave me some codeine, and sent me home. Back then, they recommended lots of fiber, including a daily dose of metamusil (blech). As and adult, I have realized that stress always brings it on, and beer and tequila are magical elixirs that calm the stomach aliens. Also – anti diarrhea medicines are the devil – avoid at all costs. Hope you feel better soon. Solidarity from a fellow person at war with their own body.

  59. I’m glad you’re well enough to laugh. I can totally relate to you on this one – last year on Good Friday and this year almost exactly one year later, I ended up in the ER with horrific abdominal pain. (The doctor looked at my chart and asked if I was there for my anniversary.) Now I wonder if I should book a room for next year, since I still have many organs not yet diseased that can attack me.

  61. Writing down morphine induced ideas for you? BEST FRIEND EVAR. And I’m pretty sure she’s the friend that helped you bury a body, so she’s absolutely indispensable.

  63. Oh Jenny, I so relate. My body is a bigger asshole than I myself am. Currently, my body has decided that I don’t need my eyes, and there are tiny gnomesin there, trying to crack open the protective layer of my eyes (docs call them corneas but I like “eye condom” better) and so I am having loads of difficulty with light, air, and well….seeing. My optician said, “Your eyes are a fucking mess” without the “fucking”. I added that for emphasis. He referred me to a specialist. I’ve only had, like, 10 panic attacks since then, so the jury is out as to whether my mental state will kill me before I have a chance to go blind. We’re in this together, sister.

  64. My gall bladder did the alien-in-stomach thing when it went septic and was misdiagnosed by the ER three times as panic attacks (one ER nurse even tried to tell me that he was so religious that he could speak in tongues and heal by touch and I had DEMONS inside me). My stomach was even moving and roiling like a baby alien! It could have been pretty awesome, except for the part where I was actually dying and all. My body has been trying to kill me for years and the scary thing is the medical field scoffing at me.

  66. Holy fuck and Christ on a cracker! Hope you feel better soon. I went through type my name: Ethel and it was autocorrected to “Suzeth ” . So there you go.

  67. Yikes! I had a vasovegal episode due to passing a kidney stone. Basically I couldn’t see or hear, fainted standing up and felt like I was dying. It was the weirdest sensation ever and it hurt. Anyway, it sucked. If what you’re going through was anything similar – hang in there. Hope you feel better. Then share those weird things you said while drugged up!

  73. A) Good friends are the awesome sauce of life. SO glad you have so many good ones B)I laughed so hard my entire house full of people stopped what they were doing and looked at me funny.

  74. That’s sucks. My body is also an asshole, though I never thought of it that way before. Thanks for putting it into words for me. Hope you’re back on your feet again soon.

  75. Best. Hospital. Story. Ever.
    I cannot stop laughing and there are tears.
    The condom and the spellcheck….
    I’m gonna be giggling all day. Thanks Jenny. Hope you’re feeling better.

  76. Sorry your body attacked you. Mine did that six months ago and I ended up with a big scar down the middle and thirteen clips in it. Sounds as though yours is better at it than mine. Feel better soon!

  77. Vagina al dente… wtf, spellcheck? I’m so sorry you were in the hospital (again. do you count how many times you’ve been to the hospital?), but I’m glad it provided some post-worthy material. Also Maile is awesome. I hope your body stops being an asshole soon. (I’ve been reading and re-reading your books and you are just awesome, I hope you know that)

  80. You are my hero Jenny. I just spend 3 days in the hospital cause my baby boy got burned and I’m dying to get into my bed and stay there the whole week. It’s Inspiring that you get to keep your spirit up, though I suspect the drugs help. Thanks for all the cheer you bring to us, even when we are at our lowest.

  81. Oh man! So sorry you went through that!!
    So is everyone talking about vaginoplasty? Because it’s nothing like what you guys are saying. No, I haven’t had it done, but as someone in early perimenopause with (sorry TMI) vaginal dryness and a loss of elasticity, I happen to know what it is, and I really don’t think it’s fair to be so judgmental when you don’t know what it is. It’s not something 25 year olds get to make their vagina look nice (whatever that would be.) It is generally undergone by women who are in menopause and suffering the symptoms that go along with it, in addition to women who may have had INJURIES to their vaginas due to difficult childbirth, etc. It is basically just a tightening of the vaginal walls, and is undergone for very private, personal, and valid reasons. Until you experience the effects of menopause and how your lack of sex drive is about to kill your marriage, or any of the other reasons, no, you may not understand. But these women are undergoing this out of real emotional need, and if it can help physically to help make sex feel better again, so you can have the intimate relationship with your spouse again, don’t judge. FWIW these surgeries are also done to reconstruct labia for women who have experienced Female Genital Mutilation.

  82. Now I am totally wondering if my vagina is cooked enough or not. After two ten pounders I always assumed it was, you know, done. I hope your stomach stops being an asshole. Thank god morphine is your friend, and then you have us. Feel better vibes coming your way!

  83. I think IBS comes standard with depression, anxiety & migraines. And gastritis (that’s the one that feels like a heart attack & ends in embarrassment.) When I was diagnosed with IBS, I argued with the hot Doogie Howser GI who couldn’t possibly know my colon from my vagina. Because I never had IBS before and no one else in my family had it so…(but apparently IBS is sneakier than diabetes). And then I cried. Right in front of dr mcsteamy jr. Because who wants a shitty disorder like IBS? How was I going to go in long bike trips now?
    Here’s what I eat when my meds work: hamburgers with everything, fries, bacon & eggs, chocolate, soda, Chinese (food), milk….
    Here’s what I eat never: ice cream, McDonald’s
    Here’s what I eat during a flare-up: white rice, plain baked potato, French bread, dry white meat chicken (sometimes)), applesauce, canned fruit except peaches (and I cry a lot-especially when my husband says “what do you want for dinner?”)

  84. Hope you are feeling better. Being in the hospital sucks especially when you are not sure what is wrong. I like your condom barf bag. I had surgery and I wish my hospital had those. Instead they gave me some little plastic tray that looked like it would hold some spit. After my first dinner I had to barf and of course the little plastic tray was way to small and when the nurses responded to my call I was a barfy mess.

  85. Oh Goddess, feel better……….I laughed OUT LOUD and yes, at your expense but really, GET better!!

  86. I’m sorry sorry your sick I hope you feel better soon. On a side note that was one of the best things I’ve ever read I’m crying I’m laughing so hard.

  88. I once started lactating years after my daughter was weaned. My tested lactate levels were through the roof and it turned out to be a side effect from a medication I had recently started (an anti-psychotic, I believe).

  89. Oh, Jenny, you poor thing! I think Victor plans to be out of town on purpose. The stinker!

    As a long-time IBS sufferer, I’d like to give you one piece of advice: NEVER trust a fart.

  91. Oh, Jenny…do you know what the problem is yet? Make sure they check for things like appendicitis (yes, you can have it in your 40s; I did in spite of it not being a “standard presentation”–i.e., it wasn’t localized to my lower right quadrant–and ended up w/an emergency appendectomy) or diverticulitis (which usually makes your lower left quadrant hurt but can also feel like bad menstrual cramps, and for which I had a foot of my sigmoid colon removed nearly 20 years ago) or ovarian cysts (no surgeries yet, but there was an interesting New Year’s Eve spent in the ER where the doc was literally up to his wrist inside me while I watched the ball drop on the TV in the ER bay–I promise, you can’t make this shit up), in addition to IBS; there’s a lot of stuff squished into our abdominal region, which means lots of potential things that can go wrong. In general, though, if something hurts, it means something is very very wrong, so make them keep looking until they figure out WTF it is and DO something about it, OK? We know your body hates you, but you deserve to not be in pain, so get them to figure this out and keep us posted, OK? hugs

  92. Marty at #89: ESPECIALLY after you’ve just had a barium enema…thank God I’d had the presence of mind to bring an extra pair of panties and a ziplock baggie, eh? (Actually, carrying extra undies in a ziplock bag is probably a good idea in general, but my purse is already overloaded as it is…)

  93. Wow Jenny! Are you doing better now? That’s awful. My body attacks me too and it sucks. Someone said it’s all for a new book and I agree. Please take care of yourself. Xoxo

  95. Wow, that vomit bag sort of does look like a giant medical grade condom with a fastener at the base or is that a c-ring?
    Anyway, I hope you are much better now Jenny.

  96. Oh boy do I feel your pain. I’m not sure that my body has reached the “trying to kill you” stage yet but we are definitely in the “we should see other people” phase. I’ve had three surgeries in the last month and I currently have a feeding tube down my nose. This means that I haven’t had ANY food in a very long time and I am irrationally angry at anyone that chews in my general vicinity. (Keep scanning the headlines for the bizarre news story where woman chews her husband to death. I’ll let the children live, they’re innocent) The worst part is, every time I go to the emergency department, (they won’t let you call it a room any more) nobody gets me joke about having lunch with Chuck Norris!! Am I the only person on the planet who has seen this commercial?! ANYway…I think I’ll have to take up coloring to help ease the boredom of being stuck at home attached to an IV pole. I wonder if my husband can be trusted in a book store? Chances are I’ll end up coloring pictures of WW2 era tanks, but I guess it’s better than od’ing on the anxiety meds to try and leave the house with a lovely tube hanging out of my nose. Thanks for being such an inspiration for me and I hope you feel better soon!

  97. While I don’t frequently think of you when I’m taking a bath, for some reason I DID last night, and I realized I mentally think of you as “Jenny” when in fact I don’t know you at all, except sometimes I DO feel like I know you, even though the only thing you ever said to me directly was “Yay, Double Unicorn shirt!” at a book signing. Be that as it may, I worry about you as though I know you really, so take care of yourself because you mean a lot to a lot of people and our lives would be a lot less bright without you in it! Maybe I was thinking about you because I went to an Independent Book Store yesterday because of you and bought books and colored pencils and your print, which is waiting for me to color it. Feel better soon!

  98. God, I love your blog. I’m sorry you almost died but I’m glad you wrote this post despite it. And not trying to suck up or anything, but I own all of your books. Paid full price for them too. Yeah, I rock.

  100. Feel better. That is a scary story! Always glad to find tbe himor in those situations. Boy, I would love to have some of those barf bags. Wonder if you can buy them on line. Probably best to not do a vag steam ala Gwyneth right now as it might destroy your perfect al dente vag. Truly feel better. Take care of yourself!

  101. Have you ever looked at Histamine Intolerance? I don’t know a lot of the science behind it all, or how legit it is, but I started paying attention to and avoiding high histamine foods and situations and within three months have fixed quite a few of my many ills- including the IBS that I’ve been suffering with for over 20 years (also skin rash, heart palpitations, acid reflux, migraines, and anxiety have gone away). Basically the hypothesis is that we can all handle a certain amount of histamine before we have a reaction, and some of us can handle less than others or release histamine in response to more things (are more sensitive) and therefore react. There’s lots on the internet if you google “histamine intolerance”. Just a thought, if you’re bored in the hospital and run out of things to google 😉

  102. Welcome to the IBS life. Buy some Immodium and carry it with you wherever you go. It helps.

  103. I have IBS. It feels like evil elves are yanking your intestines out and tying them in knots. My Doctor recommended Florastore. (I get it from Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Dhpc&field-keywords=Florastor+Probiotic+-+100+Count%2C+250mg). She said it was the best probiotic she knew about. I have only had one flare up in the year that I have been taking Florastore.

    She also recommended a pain reliever RX called Donnatol – but I can’t take that because it interacts with a lot of psych meds.

    I’m so sorry you are feeling bad. That sucks. Hope you are better soon!

  104. That’s for adding laughter and sunshine to my day! So sorry you aren’t feeling well and hope you get better soon.
    I can totally relate to crazy med stuff. Was in ER about two months ago with a kidney stone. They gave me come thing fabulous but I thought the tech guy that took me to get my catscan was Huck from Scandal. I have some memory of talking to him, especially when we passed hallway mirrors and I’d hear him talk. Wish I had someone walking with me to tell me what I said. Hospital staff must hear the funniest stuff! Get well soon!

  106. Vagina al dante made me LOL for real! I’m sorry your body is so awful to you sometimes, by thank you for making me laugh!

  107. Oh no! I hope you feel much, much better soon, Jenny. I have fainted in public for no particular reason before and it sucks, big time. Much love.

  109. Alas, my friend, looks like you have a touch of my ailment ‘no good deed goes unpunished’. Seems the more I do the worse I get. You need to turn evil, probably end up a princess or some shit.

  110. Get well soon, Jenny. Vagina al dente? Sometimes I worry about you…. lol

  111. So… my stomach does that (well, it hurts and sometimes I barf) usually a couple hours after I take my morning lil handful of meds… then I remind myself how lucky I am compared to billions of others on the planet. Then I go into that loop of guilt of how dare I feel sad and sorry for myself when I have it pretty good… then I try to take care of myself by saying my feelings are valid, blah blah blah… wtf did I take my ADHD meds today?? Somebody throw me some empathy plz… I’m already on it in case there are others who sometimes feel this way

  112. I hope you feel better soon Jenny. At least you got a cool blog post out of an alien.

  113. Pingback: I’m too high to write this but I’m going to anyway. « Fribliss

  115. OMG.. I feel for you and understand your pain. I think whoever designed the human body has an evil sense of humour. I know it is lame but there is a country song about If you are going thru hell just keep going. Oh and the barf bag would make a good condom for….Godzilla so you were not to for off the mark. Who knows maybe you will remember the “happy place” you went to when you were under the influence of the drugs.

  117. Being a long time sufferer of IBS (very bad genetics and blame it on my mom……who fully understands and takes no offence by it and anyway, I get blamed for things by people I don’t even know (this is an inside joke among some members of my family)…sorry for that tangent…., anyway, the only med that has helped my IBS is Xanax, which I believe is safer than all of these new drugs being approved by the FDA. My brother has been seeing a specialist for years and taking some antibiotic for years and still cannot get it under control. My sister and mother also suffer from IBS but in silence. Being a chemist and have worked for pharmaceutical company, I have seen many bad attempts on new drug designs (which of course are dropped from approval after the rats started dieing😏). I have noticed that my anxiety is the biggest trigger for my IBS. I wish you the best of luck getting yours under control!

  118. One more post….. the whole family went through the gluten free diet with no luck although my sister still insists that that is the culprit and, yet, has continued with symptoms of IBS.

  121. Giant hugs! Bodies are ass-holes all the time. Not sure why we need such flimsy things.

    I can relate to the whole stomach thing. Though, they haven’t figured mine out yet. 🙁

  122. I came to visit Daddy about 10 days ago, so I could make sure he kept his doctor’s appointments and find out why he’s falling apart. This past Monday, we spent the day in the ER. He didn’t get morphine, so it wasn’t as fun for me as it was for Maile with you. Oh, well. We DID get his shit straightened out, though, so that’s good.

    And then last night, I got so drunk I passed out and in and out and in and out until I passed out for reals… while we were binge-watching Season Four of Doctor Who. I can’t believe I got drunk in front of Daddy. Then we had to re-watch those in-and-out episodes again today. I suck at daughtering, when I’m not acing it. I’m both.

    Feel better, Jenny!

  124. Wow, I am so sorry this happened. A trip to the ER is not fun. I’m glad you found a way to make it as fun as possible though. I hope you are feeling much, much better now. Sending love your way.

  125. Vagina el dente? I just woke up my kid laughing! As much as spell check can be an asshole sometimes (I once typed “off kilter” and it changed it to “off Hitler” – touché) spell check also knows when we need a laugh. Sorry your day ended up in the ER.

  126. You dropped those books off a few blocks from me!! I’m going to get them right now’ oh, and so sorry you went to the hospital.

  127. ermahghad what a horrible thing to have happen. As a person who can’t actually be alone b/c Medical Things (yet is always alone) have you and Victor talked about getting one of those GPS enabled MedicAlert pagers for you?
    (spoilers) I’m rewatching season 3 of Netflix’ “Grace and Frankie” and Frankie had one given to her by her son. I’m thinking Why can’t that thing be attractive, and like a bracelet or something?

    But it may be something you’d be safer with having.

    I’m so sorry you’re ill and I’m wafting you fluffy pink clouds of authentic FeelBetter, which I harvested from the bucolic fields of HellYa especially for you.

  128. My husband’s body is also an asshole and he spends lots of time at the hospital. His all time favorite joke? Inflating a blue bag just like that and placing it in his lap to mimic a giant erection. If I could post a photo here I would. We have an album full.

  129. So excited to know there’s a Little Free Library in my area. Quite a few, in fact. Also love that you’re able to laugh while having such an obviously terrible day. Gave me a few laughs. xoxo

  130. As a diverticulitis sufferer who had seven inches of her colon removed 18 months ago… and then has embolisms after surgery, and then an angry pancreas… man I get this. Hang in there lady. It sux. But you are seriously changing people’s’ status lives with your prose… and are very loved by folks you’ve never met in person, and who are cheering for you every day…

  131. sorry you’ve been dealing with aliens in da belly….hopefully you’re on your feet again soon instead of flat on your back. Gentle hugs…oxoxox

  132. Ermagerd! I have UBS too with constipation…I’ve been on a gluten free diet in the past as y dad has issues with gluten and being all sensitive to it. It was uber expensive for me and I’m a RN. Seriously, I’ve had my gallbladder taken out previously and my tonsils. Hello pain, haven’t bitethed a baby as of yet, but my mom told me that the gallbladder paying that we both had before it was taken out was worse than having a baby. I dunno if I beluececygat or not. Craps also suck big time. And yes…you are hysterical and I ❤️ Reading your books!!! Stay well girlfriend!!!

  133. I have issues with being betrayed by my body too…an aftereffect of nearly being killed by Hep C. I am glad you got help and some good meds…I really enjoy your writing..to say nothing of your interactions with Victor. I still laugh about the chicken statue event!

  134. I hate myself for laughing at the condom thing because toy were sick but that shit made me laugh.

  135. I feel like we all need someone in our lives to write down the weird things we say when we are hospitalized. That is brilliant.
    Hope you feel better soon!

  136. I hope you feel better soon! I had to shudder at that blue condom. Noooo thank you!

  138. And I thought my body sucked….you are Queen of Asshole Bodies.
    I am not real sure which parts of my Lady Garden are called what…I suppose I should Google it but I was at a doctor’s appt. last month and she was going through my medical history and the last thing she asked about was a recent hysterectomy and then had me sit on the table/chair/bed thingy in the room and checked my ears and then my throat. When she looked down my throat, she stood back and gave me a quizzical look and asked me if I had had my uvula removed or if I had been born without one. My brain is still back on our last subject so I am thinking, “How in the hell did she see that my vulva had been removed and why on earth did the doctor take that too’? So I looked at her and said, “Well, I did just have a hysterectomy”……
    I can never face her again…….

  139. Is it wrong that I want to sign up for the Mom Book and answer it in increasingly horrifying ways?

  140. I’m not all that attentive in the morning … so this is how I read your first sentence: “Long story short, an alien was chewing its way out of my stomach and I started farting and I couldn’t feel my hands or legs, and then I died.” Worse yet – I laughed out loud. At your farting death. I’m sorry!

  141. Of course vagina al dente. Who wants to eat a soggy vagina?

  142. That sounds pretty fucking awful. So sorry you had to go through that, but I’m glad you figured out what the alien was even if it did take a trip to the hospital. I hope you’re feeling better soon.

  144. You poor thing! Your body can quit all the April fools pranks now, please. I was hospitalized too with horrible stomach pain and fainting and fever etc, and GUESS WHAT? It was also IBS! I had no idea that it could manifest that way. I got to have some fun morphine dreams before they figured out the bowel medicine part. Stress is a motherfucker. I hope you feel better soon ❤️
    I may pick up some of your books and put them in some little libraries. You have the best ideas!

  146. If I ever actually join twitter, it will be because of you, Jenny. Since I’m not joining it today, though, I have to put my response to your twitter question here. Not knowing the eyeliner thing does not make you a failure as a woman. Any person is not a failure at being any gender as long as they are breathing. If everybody is breathing and no one is gushing blood or on fire, then one has achieved full success at whatever endeavor one was attempting. Knowing the proper definition of success has saved my sanity many times.

  147. Does your vomit bag say that it is your personal property? Because who else would claim a bag of vomit as theirs?

  148. wait… whaaaaaaaaat? cosmetic surgery on the vagina? Is this the latest brainchild of that idiot that invented vagina lipstick for women on their period? or is the vagina cosmetic surgery the necessary result of using the vagina lipstick for your period?

  149. I had the same exact thing last week! Except no one at the hospital cared and I didn’t get any pain meds. Just some stupid IBS medicine and zofran. Not worth the trip. Feel better!

  150. I firmly believe if you need three things in life. 1) Air 2) Food and 3) A friend who will bring you to the hospital and remind you of the weird stuff you said. Thank you for the reminder to thank my best friend for doing both of those things. Feel better soon! P.S. Vagina al dente… stop it. Amazing.

  151. The paramedics who came to get me during an attack of pancreatitis offered me the Giant Blue Condom, but I turned my head and proceeded to decorate the back of the ambulance with my (slightly used) lunch. There were more of them in the emergency room, where I learned their proper use, but still barfed all over myself. I was in so much pain that morphine didn’t work. Thankfully, dilaudid did.

  152. My lordy have mercy! (said in best southerner voice) Bless your l’il heart, Sweetie!
    That is absolute bullshit. My body hates me too but not to that extent!
    Please get/feel better very quickly! You are a rock star!

  153. Wow! I hope you are feeling better by today – here’s a little story to cheer you regarding large blue condom puke tubes:
    I went to my local hospital for what was most likely an unnecessary radiologic procedure which started with them numbing my whole belly with some big-ass injection. After that was done, they were going to stick an even bigger needle into my right kidney. Although numb or not, the radiologist must have hit my vagus nerve which put me into extreme pain and instantly made me want to vomit. Pain-associated vomiting had never happened to me before. This little glitch also made my blood pressure go through the roof so they cancelled the procedure. (Good call dude). But every time I puked, I then had no bladder control due to the first ijnection, and peed all over everything. After changing the sheets 3 times, the nurse sheepishly asked if I would like an adult diaper. Shit yeah! Much less embarrassing than wetting the bed lady! So the moral of this story is, big blue condom puke tubes and adult diapers are your FRIENDS <3
    The End.

  155. Jen-nay, So sorry to hear you had a rotten attack and a hospital stay. 🙁 I have said this once before (don’t know if you saw it in previous comments) – given your combination of ailments, it is possible that you have a Mast Cell Activation Disorder. I highly recommend you read “Never Bet Against Occam,” by Dr. Lawrence Afrin. This is also related to what commenter #101 said about histamine intolerance. I would wish that it gives you answers. (And please forgive the unsolicited amateur medical advice.) In case it makes you smile, I recently had a medical procedure and DH was there when I was coming out of the anesthesia. He took a recording of me. Apparently I was quoting Monty Python: “I feel happy! I feel happy!”

  156. Thank you for that, I feel like I can’t get anything right lately and your morphine induced ramblings gave me a good chuckle on a day that feels very unchuckle worthy.

    Sorry your body is trying to kill you again!

  158. If misery loves company, then I’ll share. I woke up Friday with a sore shoulder and right arm. It didn’t get better and i had carpool duty. I drove to school okay but when I was dropping of the second kid, I had to have my 11 year old shift gears for me. By the end of the day we were waiting to turn in our passports applicqtaionsand I was screaming everytime I had to move my right arm (I’m right handed). Saturday I went to urgent care, and the doc said “Hey that’s weird, have some muscle relaxants.”
    Then after my 11 year old rigged me a sling, so I could go out that night. All the magnesium I was taking to get my ,muscle spasm hit my gut, and I spent the evening in the bathroom, tending to my IBS. At least I know the symptoms, so I didn’t spend the evening in the bathroom at the Mormon temple where the dance show was taking place.

    On the upside my husband was around to drive me (so my 11 year old didn’t have to shift gears for me again) but on the downside he wanted to run an errand while I was at Urgent care.
    I think you must be the only other person who could incapacitate themselves for 3 days, by sleeping wrong.

  160. Well, that doesn’t sound like a very good day. You got a great blog post out of it, though. I don’t know how you personally weigh those two things. I mean suffering for your art has limits, right? Hope you have less to write about next time, truly.

  161. So . . . do you test if your vagina is al dente by throwing it at the ceiling?

  162. <3 You take care of yourself. We all love you.

    And I read Vagina Dentata as Vaginal Dentine – like breath freshening gum for your lady garden.

    I don’t know how you’d chew it, though.

  163. OMG, I am just seeing this…hope you are feeling better…but even in your darkest moments you make me laugh…that is one big condom…

  164. Thanks for helping me laugh as I continue to compile my own “my body is an asshole” list…

  165. I’m an ER nurse and I had a habit of calling the emesis bags “elephant condoms” until I realized that that probably isn’t something you want to hear your nurse say to you as you’re puking.

  166. IDK why I read stuff like this while my little preschool children are taking a nap. How do I explain that an al dente vagina gave me the ugly laugh and I woke up all my kids?

  167. OMG! me, too!

    mine is a tiny volcano in my tummy that tries to strangle me from the inside, daily

    the only thing that works so far is hyoscyamine, but i’m limited to 4 pills a day and my volcano erupts more often than that

    if you’ve got a different med, i’d love to hear about it!

  168. Ok, for real I read: an alien was chewing its way out of my stomach and I started FARTING and I couldn’t feel my hands or legs

    I was like, oh goodness that’s terrible. So maybe it could have been worse?

  169. You could have told Victor that you decided to have sex reassignment surgery…. That you are sure he would love you anyways…. Be well dear.

  170. If you weren’t in so much pain I would encourage you to hit the emergency room more so we could get more gems like this post. Vagina al dente? Dying here! Al dente as defined by Google, “cooked as to be still firm when bitten.” Not sure if that’s a good or bad thing when referring to vaginas.

  171. Your body’s not an asshole… it’s an incredible survivor of aliens and shit. It’s on your side.

  172. Love when the nurses play along. Way better than getting nurse-no personality-or-sense of humor which is what I usually get! Hope your body stops being an asshole soon, seems like it has been quite sometime since you have been “well-ish”.

  173. Wishing you betterness. And wishing you lots of random stuff to make you laugh.

  174. So I’m having a hard week. I lost my cat of 11 years this week and I just lost her brother two months ago. Im having a side affect of my medication and my brains trying to kill me. It almost did the only reason I realized it was the meds was because of a post you wrote a while back ago where the same thing happened to you. So thank you Jenny you saved my life for a second time if it wasn’t for you I’d probably be dead. On a side note I accidentally got put on medical leave from work by mistake and they can’t fix it till next week. So apparently god thinks I need a vacation. He’s right 😂

  175. Jenny WHOAAAAA 🙁 How scary for you! Geez! Please feel better soon! BTW stomach issues are the fucking worst! I’ve been doing rounds of tests since christmas of last year (thank you, hugely inaccurate lab, one of which tested me positive for prediabetes which was laughably inaccurate) and yes, I even did a recent stool sample test. Mortifying and hilarious on so many levels. I was even tested TWICE for gluten sensitivity, both came back positive. Been off gluten since February and I am still having symptoms. My gastro doc says those tests can be very unreliable and yet I did a stool test that came back negative for any bacterial infections and now I may have to do a colonoscopy and my gastro doc won’t return my calls. It’s hard not to get down when you have to go to bat for your own damn health all the time and be your own best advocate. Fuck, I’m singing to the choir huh?! 🙂 thank you for being you Jenny. Even when you are in the fucking hospital you find comedic bright spots. You should have a medal of bad ass-ery dammit!!! 🙂

  176. Nearly choked on a corn chip when I read “vagina al dente.” GACK! 🙂

  178. This is brilliant. And I love the Snow White picture. Because that’s what Snow White SHOULD have looked like, with tubes and a paper gown vs. the glass coffin thing because all the seven dwarf sneeze droplets would goober it up quick.

    Feel better. 🙂

  179. Jenny, what was the med they gave you for IBS? (I think I’ve tried ’em all but am always looking for anything new that would, you know, actually work?)

  181. Well, difficult day for sure. What I noticed, as I look at you in the hospital bed, is that you have lots of HAIR now. So there’s that. Big Hugs

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