This week when I was still high from the anesthesia I apparently wrote myself a series of notes on my phone. A lot of them were literally gibberish but there were a few that made me go: “WTF?” and also, “I mean, yeah, maybe” at the same time.
This was one of them:
I think God must be an animal hoarder because he keeps making dogs that he knows he’s just gonna get back when they die and he only lets them live for like 10 years, which is not nearly long enough. Like, how many dogs do you need, God? Can we keep some? And God’s like, “NO. THESE DOGS ARE MINE. YOU CAN BORROW THEM FOR LIKE…SEVEN TO TEN YEARS.” And then I’d be like, “I don’t understand your end game, sir. We need dogs to last longer” and then God would be like, “NOOOPE. DON’T GET ATTACHED. MY DOGS, YO.” And this is why people become atheists.
Also, when I wrote this originally I was still high and it had even more typos than normal and the note had God yelling “THESE DONGS ARE MINE” and I was like, “Huh?” but then I figured it all out. Probably going to hell for posting this on Sunday but in my defense, I’m not the one murdering dogs.
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And now…time for the weekly wrap-up!
Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):
- People are asking for cards they can color, so here’s one and here’s another.
Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:
- Barnes & Noble is doing “Buy two, get one free” on their favorite paperbacks and FURIOUSLY HAPPY is one of their picks.
- Come to my house so I don’t feel alone making my own shoes. Because I want these.
- My new favorite artist of the day.
This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Terrifyingly Beautiful, a witty podcast about living with anxiety. Join Kevin O’Connell and David Robert, self-proclaimed anxiety experts, as they pop open a bottle of cheap wine and share hilarious stories about the stuff that keeps them up at night. (Spoiler alert: It’s everything.) Topics thus far include salad bars, creepy dolls, germy gas pumps and dead nuns under the bed. The podcast definitely falls under the wonderful categories of “freak me out” and “make me laugh.” Check it out here.
He probably wants them house broken before he lets them in. It’s a big scam!
It would be very cool if dogs lived longer. I might get one then so it could outlive me.
But what about cats? And bunnies? And all the other really nifty pets? God is murdering THEM too! We want them back! Redo! No takesies backsies, God!
Just imagine how fond he is of hamsters!
(Also cats)
You are weird and funny no matter what. Thank god. Those shoes are bizarre, and cool as hell. And that Caffeine Cat is my spirit animal.
I’m pretty sure I’m not the first one to recognize this, but drugs = inspiration.
Wait.
Maybe the saying is supposed to be, “Oh for the love of Dog,” and we’ve been getting it wrong all this time.
Explains a lot.
So many guppies, so little time.
The doggone dong is mine (you have to sing that like Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney)
I think I should try writing while high. It would probably improve the output.
You could not be more right, sober or not. Jeez, god!
I agree totally. God needs to let us keep the dogs longer. He can keep all the dongs. Except Ding Dongs.
one might as well have a sense of humor around all this life stuff – thanks for reminding me of that. you are incredible.
That artist is so awesome! Thanks for sharing. And only $10. I’m going to get 2 I think. So, if god let us borrow dogs, does he hate cats by giving them 9 lives? 😉 Hugs
yeah god seems pretty selfish when it comes to cats too!!! LOL and garden gnomes!! they dont live nearly long enough either!!
see now you know why im an atheist has to do with cats and dogs!!LOL
btw omg i love the pigeon shoes!! if i were still in san ant area of Tx id be there!!1im trying to figure out a variant for mens shoesmaybe using the japansese house slippers as a base(one with a small backing for attaching )is it wrong to sing tom lerhers posioning pigeons in the park while making em!!!??
Actually, barring the typos, this is one of the sanest notes you have ever written!
Thanks for the diversion….I find the weirdest things funny….the pigeon shoes, “meh” on my funny scale….the dude standing next to her in CROCS….seriously, those birds should have been scared of the CROCS. Thus, proving that her pigeon shoes were totally pointless; which, is now hilarious to me.
Also, you just made me spend some money on the goat kid in overalls….I’m calling it ART and I’m blaming it on you when my husband sees it.
This post could not have come at a better time. My lab mix Nellie was diagnosed w/congestive heart failure this week and it’s torn me all to bits. So thank you for once again putting words to the things that so many others can’t or won’t.
If we learn to make shoes we’ll be cobbling together. Those pigeon shoes! I’d have to wear them at 30th St. station in Philly but then people might think I’m stomping on pigeons and not in a good way.
But if we can have, pigeon shoes then we can have mini peacock shoes! Flamingo shoes!
Or train shoes that we can proudly say are Jimmy Choo Choo shoes.
Haha I thought the buy two, get one Barnes & Noble sale had to be all the same book, and I was like, well, I ALREADY bought three copies, do I need 3 more?
My phone autocorrects dogs to dongs too! It gets really awkward when I offer to play with a neighbor’s dong, or when I perform CPR on a dong (I work in a Vet ER, and the dogs I do CPR on need it, otherwise that’s awkward too)… I really don’t say “dong” except during those awkward autocorrects or when I talk about those autocorrects so I’m not sure why my phone thinks that is what I meant to say. My only conclusion is my phone thinks I’m really into dongs…
When I saw the pigeeon shoes I immediately thought of you. I think it would actually confuse pigeons that those two are always walking backward, though.
Agree with you totally about dogs. Why aren’t they trying to breed dogs that live as long as their owners???
I agree. Even though all our dogs have lived to 14 or 15, it’s still not long enough. The vet told us today that Titus is now a senior–brings it home just a little bit.
Jenny, if this is accurate, God must have a full metric asston of goldfish. Can you even imagine the size of that aquarium? It’s gotta be bigger than Greenland.
Totally gonna start giving this as one of the reasons I’m an atheist, by the way. Dogs should be immortal.
Best thing I saw this week:
Giant metal chickens for sale at tractor supply! If I had my own yard I’d buy it in your honor!
Well this post is perfect timing for my elderly dog…
You make my crappy life better. Thank you
Always take credit for the dongs!!
I suspect this is very profound. And I completely agree.
And why can’t we have dogs for a longer time…really…but you forgot they I’ve in “dog years” so 10 is really 70.. right?
First I saw those shoes the other day and I want them soooo bad. Second I totally agree with the dog hoarding thing and that sob is hoarding cats too. Sorry to call god a sob but he took both my cats within two months of each other and I’m currently a little miffed at him. I mean I know why he wanted them they were like the best cats ever but seriously. Even my neighbors are depressed at the loss of the fluffy ones. Cats and dogs need to live at least 20-30 years. How do we make this happen?
I see you standing in your pigeon shoes with your dog (or dong — your choice) by your side and you’re holding the print with the sloth on the penny-farthing.
And I see Victor taking this all in and pretending he doesn’t know either of us! 😉
I just realized- parrots are such s.o.b.s that God lets us keep them for 80 years; also, I’ve always thought that tortoise seem cool, so what does God know about them that we don’t? And why doesn’t God like redwoods? Is he waiting to drop them on people he likes even less?
Jenny, you’ve just opened up a whole new line of theology for me…and I spent 5 years in seminary.
I so agree with the dog hoarding thing.
Dogs should live a LOT longer than they do.
Or, at least, we should get to pick one dog….or maybe three or four….in our lifetimes and that (those) dog (s) will live with us for the rest of our life and not die until we do.
that would be much more fair for us and for the dogs, too!
And god can keep all the dongs. that’s OK with me.
And CATS! Cats need to last longer before they expire, too!. And they shouldn’t get kidney disease either because that’s just cruel for everything involved. The kidney, for sure. Definitely for the cat. Ditto for me. I love the sentiment. :o)
You are just too funny. I have been in a REALLY crappy place today. Docs won’t listen, body is bobbing and jerking like a squirrel on pcp and just feeling generally pissed off and frustrated. Your post gave a much needed laugh. 😄 Also, thanks for sharing new favorite artist. I could happily purchase most of them and decorate my entire house with them. Too cool.
Have I mentioned lately that I love you? Thank you so much for this post – I couldn’t have said it better in a bajillion years.
Jenny Lawson: 1. God: 0. I say we just call it a game and leave it at that.
When my grandmother was on serious pain meds for her cancer, she kept notes. One was just “Fantastic Electrisoil”. I’ve always loved that and like to imagine what she was thinking/feeling/seeing when she wrote that. I stole it and made it the title of my family genealogy blog.
I just love your blog. I am always looking for humor blogs to draw inspiration from. Glad I found you!
Fantastic post, I agree, dogs need to last longer!
OK..now I kinda want a pair of pigeon shoes, even though I don’t wear high heels because my feet are all kinds of jacked up.
I think that God might just be really into recycling…
I can’t believe you posted this today. My do turned 8 last Friday and is dying of cancer. I can’t get her to eat enough and she checks her food for pills so she isn’t getting her meds. I bought a tincture from the weed shop and put it on the only treat she would take. It’s mostly cpd but she acted kinda high. It didn’t get her to eat though.
Tl;dr I’m really depressed.
Ohhhhh, this is so true. Why don’t they last longer? I’m going with “God’s kind of a dick,” that seems to answer so many questions, really.
And in “shit you did when you weren’t here” news, you can add in “almost killed a reader, and her husband.” LOL I’m sick with stomach flu, probably some side effect of being an elementary librarian and touching alllllll the textbooks and getting a ton of hugs this week. One of those things is better than the other but both are potentially equally germy. So I’m lying on the couch being a pathetic little rag, and my husband is amusing me by reading me excerpts from Popular Science from 1932. He came across an article on scientists who found a potential fix for pernicious anemia, and since we read your blog together, he said, “heeeeyyy!”
And then he proceeded to share with me that the “cure” was to literally eat a half-pound of liver daily. And apparently, when you have stomach flu, just the mention of liver is a vomit trigger. So I’m gasping and choking and fumbling for the bowl I’ve apparently set down some other place, trying desperately not to barf on the cat…and he’s going, “oh, my dear!” simultaneously gaping in horror and laughing at the ridiculousness of it all.
I found the bowl in time (just) and he read me the rest of the article, apparently they figured out that it made people barf in 1932 as well and came up with a handy powdered form…which only made me gag a little, so that was an improvement.
Still one of my favorite bits of fanfiction (I’m not sure if it counts as fanfiction or not, but I’m already this far in, so imma keep it):
https://m.imgur.com/gallery/yipcVo9
This is why God invented tortoises. They live for, like, 150 years or MORE, so they are almost guaranteed to outlive us. I have an agreement with the 150-year-old tortoise I care for. He has to let me go first. I met him when I was 8 and fell in love, and now I am… not eight anymore, and my love for him is greater than ever. Yesterday I bought a scrub brush to see if he likes getting scratched with it. I’ll post on Twitter if he loves it.
I was disappointed there was no taxidermy required to make those shoes.
Jenny – Have you seen the work of artist Fab Funky? (you can find on art.com) I have the Mad Hatter Deer – love it.
Hope you are feeling better! 🙂
Parrots live, like, 150 years. What does that mean? 1) God doesn’t like Parrots? 2) Parrots in heaven learn to bark. 3) Heaven is hell to Parrots (especially if the dogs earn wings). I’m just following your train of thought here. Hey, so let me ask you this, since I just discovered you. Which book of yours should I read first. Your personal favorite?
(They can stand alone but I think that starting with Let’s Pretend This Never Happened makes more sense. 🙂 ~ Jenny)
Sadly I can’t get my cats to live past 11 and they can last until 18! My first passed from renal failure and now it looks like my latest baby girl who was a rescue is according to her latest blood test is headed towards kidney disease. She’s only 7 and half so I figure I only have around 3 yeas tops with her as the disease progresses. Breaks my heart.
This explains SO much about religion and God.
Maybe God was just having fun making these little fluff nuggets one day and decided they were so cute that he’d like them back so he’d only lend them to Adam and Eve for about 10 years. But he took a big gamble with that Tree with the Knowledge of Good and Evil thing. And then he poorly anticipated how much all the subsequent humans would love dogs and keep breeding them in different shapes and sizes. So now there are all these different kinds of dogs running around and people just keep breeding them to make more and more dogs so now God is getting way more dogs than he’d planned to and he can’t change the rules now so he’s stuck. And he hates the lame God/dog jokes the angels make but he can’t do anything about it because heaven is full of millions of dogs so he’s busy and you know… they’ve got a point.
Also, sorry if any of this is wrong but I’m an atheist and I don’t have a fact checker. Also, I don’t even have the excuse of being high right now.
The dog lifespan issue is the main reason I never got a dog for the longest time. I hated the idea that when you get a puppy you’ll have to watch them die.
My mom had to move in about 11 years ago. After about six months, I got home from work, opened the door, there was a little Shih Tzu puppy in the living room, just staring at me. “His name is Patch” my mom said, “but if you don’t want him, we can give him back.” All I could say was “I guess we have a dog.” Best decision I’ve ever made. He’s not the smartest dog, but he’s the best buddy.
And then God was like: “but feel free to keep the parrots for a while.”
High or not, yeah, you have a point.
Legit Point. God needs to leave us some puppers.
Wouldn’t you have to walk backwards in those shoes in order for the pigeons to think you were one of them?
I loved this post, but then just started getting sad…yesterday (this whole weekend, really) we celebrated ‘birthday weekend” for our 17-year-old puppy, Prudence. It’s been clear in the past few weeks that this would be our last to share with her, and that’s totally unfair.
But she’s the best dog ever, and I am shocked (though happy) that God’s waiting so long!
Oh my god it’s needlefelting. My daughter’s getting into that… I may have to show these to her. I expect her version will be kittens.
Awesome post. And yes, 7 to 10 years is not nearly long enough. Dear God: Are you even listening? Jenny, we should start a weekly wine and chat on Skype. We could call it the Emergency Thirst Aid Club. In?
I own a few of those upcycled collage prints and have a few more in my wishlist. I love them so much! I’m def getting the corgi ones for sure!
I want a cup of coffee with your face in it
Kind of unbelievable but totally true! I read this post when you first wrote it the day after my dog, a 5 year old cuddle bug, went from being springy, energetic and happy, to dead…and I thought….WTF is he doing with all the damn dogs?!!
Apart from being totally heartbroken I agree 1 million percent! And I also know that is totally statistically impossible but it is totally statistically impossible that I was done cuddling my dog!
I love all of your work, Jenny, but without a doubt this is my favorite blog entry of all time. Perfect! Absolutely perfect! Thank you so much!
LOL love this. You should be high more often… 🙂 But like… on a serious not…why DO dogs only live for 10-13 years? WTF man!
saw this – thought immediately of you. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7DZLlwm8-ow