MAGIC!

in Random Crap, weekly reruns

So yesterday Victor was like, “Hey, take some xanax because we’re going out tonight.  And by ‘tonight’ I mean ‘5pm’,” and I was like, “That seems very late for me and also ‘no,'” but he was like, “You’ll like it.  It’s a magic show in a hotdog castle that used to be a church,” and I was like, “Those words don’t go together.  Have you had a stroke?” and he sighed, “And it’s haunted,” and so I took my xanax but I didn’t know what to wear and Victor was like, “It’s a magic show.  Wear a sequined cravat obviously.  Don’t embarrass me.”  But I didn’t have one so I wore a red dress with a plastic belt that looks almost like diamonds if you have never seen diamonds.  And I would probably be perfectly dressed for a magic show but I forgot to compensate for “hotdog castle” so basically I was totally overdressed and glaring at Victor.

I don’t know why people call it a “hotdog castle” though. Maybe it’s heresy to call it a hotdog church?

And then we went up to the middle floor where the magic show was and it was GORGEOUS and covered with stained glass and I was in love for five seconds until I saw that it was communal bench seating so I had to eat my fancy hotdog with strangers which is my idea of hell.  Making smalltalk with strangers, I mean.  Not eating hotdogs.  I like hotdogs.  And when the strangers were like, “Where are you from?” and I was like, “I’m from Stop-Asking-Me-Questions” Victor coughed to cover it up and Hailey joyfully took over all of the conversations because she loves strangers and might be adopted.

The magic show was quite good but people didn’t seem to understand that when a magic trick is done you need to clap.  Or whoop.  Something.  Personally when a trick is done I often shout “WHAT.”  Or if it’s really good I point and yell “WITCHCRAFT“, but in a somewhat complimentary way rather than a “J’ACCUSE” sort of thing.  This seems a bit over the top but Victor is a magic geek and I’ve been to a shit ton of magic shows so I think I know what I’m doing.  Also, I’m usually very drunk, which makes me a great audience because I’m easily impressed. Plus I have ADD so I can never remember what the card was I was supposed to remember so no matter what happens I assume it’s magic.  Like, if a magician puts a rabbit in a hat and then pulled out the same rabbit a minute later I’m like, “YOU’VE SIGNED A PACT WITH THE DEVIL” and Victor has to remind me that that’s not the trick at all.

Scott Pepper doing magic. Not a good picture. Sorry.

I had an end to this but I forgot what it was.  I blame the ADD.

MAGIC!

*******

And now…time for the weekly wrap-up!

 

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by StoryWorth Books, which I’m actually a big fan of.  From them: Still looking for a meaningful Father’s Day gift? StoryWorth is the perfect last minute gift. Each week, we’ll email him a question about his life – asking him about his favorite memory of his grandparents, or whether he’s ever pulled any great pranks. All he has to do is reply with a story, which is forwarded to you and any other family members you invite. At the end of the year, his stories are bound in a beautiful keepsake book your family will cherish!”  You can check it out here.

 

102 thoughts on “MAGIC!”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I would like all the magicians to get together and make Congress disappear. Get on it.

  2. I think you mean resale shop, not ship. But if you do mean resale ship, where is it so I can shop there? Do they sell real pirate booty there? Would I be able to find a Pirate Queen outfit?

  3. I adore the plate! We would get the melamine plate kits for the kids when they were little and they would do a plate every year, so that by the time they move out foe college, they have a set of dishes that they are motivated to take care of. I would love to put a bunch of your “You Are Here” designs on plates to color, and then I would have good China. Especially for family holidays.

  4. Love the chandelier. Love the cat’s reaction more. And how the fuck does a hot dog vendor afford buying a church to sell out of? I have a friend who ran a cart with a huge following who once sold a $1500 hot dog that made Guinness World Book because it had gold lettuce or some shit, but he still ended up out of business once he tried to open a small, regular shop.

  9. I would love to go to a hot dog castle, but I also hate communal dining – sometimes even with people I know. I was so happy on our cruise when it became obvious that the other people assigned to our table were going to go with the buffet every night instead of using the more formal dining area.

  12. I was very happy to see the picture of the actual “hot dog” castle, because my Disney mind kept imaging a castle for Prince von Hot Doggenstein, with small fountains of mustard and ketchup. Hmm. Might have been Disney mind on acid.

    I love, love the plate. Imagine 1000 years from now, a collector will be displaying it as an “Original Jenny Lawson” dating back to the Orange Cheeto Dynasty.

    And I feel like the mug should come with qualifiers –
    Feeling somewhat stabby
    Feeling very stabby
    Red alert stabby – the fork is already in my hand

    You and Victor did well when you “adopted” Hailey. And she will actually go to a magic show with her parents. OMG.

  13. Thank you for StoryWorth Books! I got it for my mom and aunt, so I can compare their answers and maybe find the truth of my weird family history. And they local (to me) and that’s nice. And while I’m not a magic fan, I do like hot dogs!

  15. Great now I really want a hot dog but I refuse to leave the house. Why doesn’t anyone deliver hot dogs. I’m really surprised you don’t have a sequined cravat. That’s the strange part of the story.

  16. I just had another Victor-like conversation with my husband and thought of you. PS that chandelier light is pretty freaky deaky.

  18. Is that hot dog castle in Southtown in San Antonio? If so, that place is super haunted. I went to a Panto there 10 years ago. That “magic” show might really have been witchcraft. You had hot dogs with ghosts. At least they don’t ask questions though.

  19. The real magic is how he got his assistant to have such a large erection!

  20. On a serious note; no matter if I’m having a great day or a shit burger day you always brighten it up. Thank you! Now back to the hijinks and shenanigans! “Now back to the hijinks and shenanigans” should be the title of your next book!

  21. I’ve never been to a magic show. Is it not customary to applaud? Just oohs and ahhs then? That does seem odd. Well, if people are unimpressed by his tricks, the magician should just be all HOW YOU ALL DOING TONIGHT! YOU HAVIN A GOOD TIIIME? That usually gets some cheers.

  22. Just. Laughing. Thank you. It feels awesome to know I’m in good company.

  23. I was really hoping for a picture of you in the dress. It sounds lovely.

  25. No way you can claim Hailey’s adopted when she looks just like you! Good thing you brought her along to speak for you; I totally get not wanting to tell strangers any of my business. That chandelier is fabulous! I love how Dorothy isn’t the least bit impressed by it, but poor Hunter is screaming at it to go away.

  26. I like how “and it’s haunted” was an after the fact mention. I’d have led with that: “Wanna go to a haunted hot dog castle?” Except then you might think the hot dogs are haunted, which presumably is not the case. Anyway, this cracked me up, thank you. And yes, small talk is the worst.

  28. Nice chandelier! We saw a huge one years ago in Disneyland. I wanted to buy it, but there was no way we could afford it. I have a picture of it somewhere.

  29. Best sentence EVER!
    “Also, I’m usually very drunk, which makes me a great audience because I’m easily impressed.”

  30. Where to start- yeah, what’s up with those aholes not clapping for the magician?? My daughters friend had a magician at her bday party and even the 2nd graders knew you clapped for tricks, jeez. Lol when you said communal bench seating it was like the little sound of doom thing went off in my head-dunt duh duh–exactly. Nightmarish. And I felt like I was reading a part in your next book, so when is that coming, please??;) also I’m ordering the plate bc it’s beautiful and the mug for when I’m feeling stabby. And you say pirate ship chandelier and that should give someone an idea but it doesn’t even explain how freaking awesome that thing is!!! I love your creepy dolls in your office keeping you company 🙂

  31. I went to a Renaissance Faire today!!! I went with a friend from work (which is an accomplishment in itself, because I successfully asked someone if they would like to do a thing with me and they were like, “Sure! This is exciting and wonderful!”) and I came home with a map from Redwall (the series by Brian Jacques with the mice) and A DAMN HANDMADE WONDER WOMAN CROWN I AM THE WONDER WOMAN AND I AM FUCKING AMAZING OK.

    Also there was a ton of really gorgeous leatherwork and it was all horribly expensive. Beautiful! But horribly expensive.

  32. It definitely looks like hotdog church! Which actually sounds like the best version of church. Amen.

  33. Victor really does look after you so well, I mean, hotdog castle!
    I wish we had a hotdog castle. I’d visit every week and enjoy a hotdog. Preferably a different type each time. It would be better than visiting Bunnings every week for a sausage sandwich. Yes, that’s a thing in Australia.

  34. And this…this shit right here is why you, Victor, and Haley (plus animals) are totally invited to be in my zombie fort when the end comes. You are my people. Thank you for being you.

  35. You are such a good wife….if my hubs called me and said, “Get ready, we are going out at 5pm”, I would have laughed manically and hung up on him. If I am to leave the house, I need DAYS to prepare. If there is ever a nuclear bomb headed to northern MN, I will just grab a drink and sit out on my deck and wait for the end as even that couldn’t get me to leave the house without proper (as in DAYS) notice. I raise my Lorazepam pill bottle to you my queen 👑

  38. I think the pirate ship chandelier is magical.

    It restores my belief in an orderly universe that the fragile things themed plate is made of melamine. We have two sets of dishes, plain white porcelain from IKEA and fruit-themed melamine from Target. I tell myself the melamine is for the kiddos but I’m really kidding myself, they’re for me. I drop dishes. A lot.

  39. The magic hot dog church sounds like a blast! Glad Hailey could run interference for you.

    Your new chandelier is most awesomatious. All that room needs now is a certain tombstone to tie it all together. 😉

  41. I love you, Jenny! I believe I am old enough to be your mother, and my daughter and I met you once, at a book signing. I love your books, I love your posts, I love your drawings… I am so lucky to have found your talent. Thank you for sharing yourself with all of us – the beautiful and broken!

  42. YES!! That chandelier is really something!

    When I was young, I lived in a very upscale community (we were the poor folk there) and the community had this very kitchy place called THE DOG HOUSE SHOW that sold hot dogs. It was really small, like a kid’s playhouse, only if that kid had a mansion (it was really small on a tiny piece of triangle shaped land that was surrounded by three streets going here and there). Anyway, when you went in, I guess there were a few places to sit, but they had trains that were on shelves that wound all around the place. It was pretty cool. We hardly ever went there because, as I said, we were kinda poor (at least for the area), and if we (ever) ate out, it sure wasn’t hot dogs, because we ate those at home. I mean, I never felt really poor, as in worried-poor, but we just budgeted the hell out of everything and I think my mom made every penny they ever earned scream like a cat who’s tail got caught in the vacuum. For my middle school graduation we went to a place called THE HOUSE OF PIES. No lunch, no dinner. Just pie. Happy fucking graduation. And I got a stuffed plush snake. Now, that might have done it for you, but I was all like WTF and we didn’t even say stuff like that back then. Okay. I’m done. Cool hot dog castle. Cool chandelier. Very cool cat response. Forget I said anything.

  43. That is the funniest post I have ever read. I am all alone in a room laughing out loud with tears in my eyes. You, Jenny, are magic!

  44. My son ruined magic for me. He played “Breaking the Magicians Code” continuously for weeks. Now I know how some of the magic is done, I can ‘see’ the tricks happening and I want to yell “Secret Door” or, “That assistant looks like the magician.” So watching a magic show with ADD sounds good to me.

  45. Eating a hotdog… on a bench… with strangers? Just trying to envision the mechanics. You’d basically have to have a level dog to keep toppings from falling in your lap, and then keep your elbow bent to your side so you don’t crack anyone in the head??? Seems like a lot of work and coordination.

  46. Ditto on another commenter, is this in San Antonio? If so I was just there last month, for late night food. Interesting place!

    (Yep. At Frank in San Antonio. ~ Jenny)

  47. I HATE MAGIC!! And I`m a terrible audience because I demand to know how in the fuck they did that! Junior, for a brief 3 minutes of his life, contemplated becoming a Magician and tried a card trick on me. I grounded him and refused to feed him until he told me how he did it. I was the one that sparked all the controversy about the magic involved in getting the caramel into the Caramilk Bar. That Magician that I keep wanting to call Engelbert Humperdinck but is actually called David Copperfield is my Archnemesis (how in the everloving fuck did he make the Statue of Liberty disappear?!). All Magicians should be burned at the stake. I may or may not have been at the Salem Witch Trials in a previous incarnation.

    Seriously. Death to Magicians. .

  48. No way! Lived in S.A. for 8 years (several years ago before climate change made it really hot) and never knew about a magic hot dog castle. I also dont know about the communal hot dog eating ‘cuz I feel like there’s an innuendo in there somewhere, but everything else sounds absolutely magical. I believe.

  53. I need to know more about this hotdog castle.
    I agree that it would probably be some form of heresy to call it a “hotdog church,” but I’ve been repeating the words “hotdog” and “castle” over and over in my head to try to get them to make sense together and now I’m not actually sure they’re words anymore.

    Hotdog.

  54. I think getting a female assistant (unless it was a drag queen) to have that huge erection was pretty magical. I may need magic lessons.

  55. Hailey can’t be adopted, you know how much you went through to have her. The kid with you now is obviously a changeling from the fairies. They’re very social.

  56. I had a hotdog today but there was no magic show, actually there was nothing magic about it.

  60. I have to say that “Hey, take some Xanax because we’re going out tonight” is the best date invitation I have ever heard in my life. Romantic as hell.

  61. I saw the coolest flowerbed yesterday. Instead of rocks or a little fence or whatever,the lady had put old plates (upright, about 2 inches in the ground) all around it. If I wasn’t poor, I would do that with your plate.
    When I read the first part of the Father’s Day thing, I was like, “You guys really fucked up, that’s only a week away, which even I know is only one question, and I don’t do numbers.
    I have that semicolon tattoo on my hand and I’ve decided everyone with mental illness should get one, cause it’s like one of those medical-alert bracelets. Or maybe not. Now it sounds like maybe I’m not the boss of the world.

  62. I ADORE magic shows! The area I live in would be really great for magic shows, lots of venues and stuff, but nobody ever does magic shows here! Also, I imagined “hot dog castle” to be more hot-doggy. Not gonna lie, I’m a little disappointed by the lack of hot dogs in the exterior decoration.

  63. chelsea drakt

    I’m amazed, I must say. Seldom do I come across a blog that’s both educative and engaging, and let me tell you,
    you’ve hit the nail on the head. The issue is something which not enough men and women are speaking intelligently about.
    I’m very happy that I found this in my search for something relating to this.

  65. I saved this read for Monday morning. I’m smart like that. Ok, I’ll do this day now. But only because I feel less alone in my abhorrence of small talk with strangers, I can actually feel my body shriveling up and dying when I have to do it.

  66. Sounds like an awesome time! Bonus points to Victor for an original outing! Just the words hotdog castle would be enough to get me there!

  67. it looks as if that one legged woman in the photo has an enormous…nope, not going to say it.

  68. In the early 70’s (that’s how old I am) I got to go onstage with The Amazing Kreskin when he did his act at The Magic Castle in Los Angeles. I was sitting in the front row with friends who’d been there before and he picked me to assist him in his ESP act. (I was about 24 or 25 and I think that night I looked the best I ever had or ever would look again.) He showed the audience a paper with a number on it, which he didn’t let me see. He put that in a safe that was on the stage. Then he gave me a slate and some chalk and proceeded to transmit numbers mentally to me, which I wrote down on the slate. I actually “saw” the numbers in my mind’s eye. This was not unusual for people in my family, by the way. Then he asked me to add the numbers up and I momentarily panicked because I’m mathematically challenged. I told him “Boy, you picked the wrong person to do this!” But I did it. He opened the safe, took out the paper and showed it to the audience and then to me. The numbers matched. I went off stage to a big round of applause and on the way out of the theater I ran into Morrie Amsterdam (of the Dick Van Dyke Show) who told me I’d done a great job. My fifteen minutes of fame. 🙂

  69. I read you’re first book, I cant get the awkward moment with the couch out of my head! Thank you for that. Anyway I wanted to drop an Email to let you know I appreciate the comic relief you give my day.

    Sent from Mail for Windows 10

  70. While you were at the Hot Dog Palace thingy, I was in Lincoln, NE watching a tricycle race downtown across the street from where we were supposed to be attending a wedding reception later in the day. I saw an independent bookstore called Francie & Finch Bookshop. Went in and bought your third book. The owner Leslie Huerta (leslie@francieandfinch.com) now knows your life story and the address of your BLOG. She gave us directions to A Novel Idea Bookstore a block away that sells used books, where I bought your first book again. I let a friend borrow it who lives in Huelet’s Landing, NY on Lake George a year ago and was sad, because I wanted to read it again, but she lives too far away from where I live in Kansas to go get it.

  71. Now I have to spend the rest of my day looking for a pirate ship chandelier because my life and my library are not complete without it. I was blissfully ignorant of how incomplete I am until a moment ago. Oh well. Work will have to wait. Just don’t tell my boss–pirate’s code

  72. Holy crap, that’s an $800 chandelier online. ON SALE for $800. Before taxes. And shipping. I’m going to need to plunder a few villages before I’ll be able to get my hands on this.

    (RIGHT? I found mine at a resale shop. Way cheaper but needs to be restrung a bit. ~ Jenny)

  73. It looks like the magician gave her a giant boner as a magic trick. Which is a pretty cool magic trick in my book! Oh, wait. She’s floating? That’s cool too.

  74. The photo options for the mug are, just. They. Are. Just! Like, I don’t even know what emotion I’m feeling about the last option, except that it’s a good feel.

    You da bomb, Jenny.

  76. The pirate ship chandelier is fab, and is the donut extra or does it come with the mug?

    No one is ever overdressed. Apart form someone in a polar exploration suit in a temperate zone.

  78. OMG, I have been stalking that chandelier from ZGallerie for YEARS. I just don’t have a permanent house to put it in. 😔 But it makes me oddly happy that it is casting just the right shadows in your safe space. You have fabulous taste. Enjoy!

  80. I like to stand up and yell “BEHOLD!” like I’m part of the show. It’s amazing – it confuses everyone involved. Also, why no sequined cravat? Are you a farmer or something?

  82. “and he sighed, “And it’s haunted,” and so I took my xanax” is easily my favourite phrase from anything I’ve read in a while!

  83. The coloring book to brings its own aura of random weirdness: the copy I bought arrived from Amazon with live, crawling, giant mealworms in the box. Only two, which is a pity, because I hear they are EDIBLE, but two isn’t enough for a snack. I’ll be interested to find out if Amazon replies to my photograph and complaint.

  85. Holy hell, that chandelier is freaking awesome! Jealous.

    Don’t tell Victor, but I absolutely despise magic shows. Gawd. Hate!

    I hope the chandelier love makes us even.

  88. I have much admiration for that chandelier.
    That spray made for cleaning crystal lights gives the facets a super-glitter. Better than Windex.
    Did you know you can put light bulbs in it that waver and look like flickering candles. It’s an awesome effect with faceted glass and casts moving sparks of light and wonderful shadows.
    But, if you want to put the chandelier on a dimmer, these bulbs Aren’t right for that. With a dimmer, you just want the regular bulbs that are in flame-shaped glass globes. They have an iridescent coating and look nice.

  89. For the ceiling cap, the ideas to paint it to look like the daytime sky and a starry one are lyrically wonderful. The shape of it reminds me of radiating ripples of water. So my idea is to paint it as if we are seeing it from underwater.
    Now I don’t know how a ship would be soaring up to meet it, but who invited Logic to this conversation anyway? Maybe the ship belongs to mermaids in their undersea castle

  90. “I love you honey, but I would divorce you before I would go to one of those magic shows.”

  91. I got so excited when I saw the picture of the “hot dog castle” exterior. I recently moved to Texas, and I’ve walked past that place a few times. May just have to give it a try!

  92. I wanted to shout out to you cause I love your writing style! It’s sick and honest, something most people are and aren’t. I started blogging to try and get my book Street Smarts published. I wrote it to make me happen as my family dealt with serious issues in our household pertaining to depression. The book was my outlet, and writing it really helped. Maybe it won’t get published until I’m eighty, but it will get publishes. I’m stubborn stupid like that.. Love your posts, keep writing!

  93. That cup has “Feeling Stabby” going through my head to the tune of”Feeling Groovy.” I don’t have all the words yet.

  94. Pingback: The Bloggess has inspired me with her MAGIC! | Jenny Hansen's Blog

  97. My husband also loves magic shows and I actually HATE THEM because I can’t figure out how they do it and it makes me insane.

  98. This is my favorite thing you’ve ever written. Also, your husband is a gem.

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