Jesus.

in Posts that will get me hate mail, Random Crap

Y’all, I found  Jesus.

More specifically I found Jesus on a wall pocket at a thrift shop and Victor wouldn’t let me buy it because he hates Jesus.  Or because he hates wall pockets.  Hard to tell.  But it’s fantastic because LOOK AT HIM.  Most Jesuses (Jesusi?) fall under the subsets of “Caring Shepard Jesus” or “Vengeful Threatening Jesus” or “Peaceful Hippy Jesus” or “Fat Baby Jesus” but this is the first time I’ve ever seen sassy, eye-rolling Jesus who is adorably fed up with your continued poor decisions and silliness but is resigned to the fact that you can’t even seem to stop yourself from fucking up.

“What is wrong with these people?” ~ Jesus

He is my favorite personal Jesus and I assume this is what He looks like all the time when He reads this blog.  It’s the same look I give the cats when I find them back-kicking the giant pile of toilet paper they’re currently shredding into a nest after they’ve unravelled the last roll in the house.

If he had a thought bubble it would be him looking at God like, “I know, right?”  Or perhaps an audible sigh of disappointment as he muttered, “Ugh.  I mean, really?”

I told Victor is was like this Jesus was channeling your sassy gay friend and Victor was like, “Who…Kevin?” and then I gave him the above Jesus look and showed him these videos, but he still said $25 was too much to pay to have Jesus disappointed in you:

And then I held Jesus in front of my face and said, “WELP.  Y’all done fucked up.  Again. Just… AAARRGH.  Forgive them Father, because a lot of them are dumbasses, apparently.  *deep breathe* No.  It’s okay. You know what?  I’m cool.  I’m fine.  Y’all are just lucky that vengeful Jesus is busy appearing on a tortilla because he would not put up with this ridiculousness.  Y’all need to get your shit together, okay?”

And then Victor said it was more like the look that Jesus probably gives when people are being shitty to other people and are like, “I’M DOING THIS IN THE NAME OF JESUS” and Jesus is like, “Oh God.  Do not bring me into this mess.  You know nothing of my work.”  And he’s right and I laughed.  

Praise Jesus.

 

214 thoughts on “Jesus.”

Read comments below or add one.

  2. Not having that treasure is going to eat at your soul until you go back for him. Who has more for Jesus to be disappointed with? (I’m thinking of Victor here.) We all need this (very blond) Jesus shrugging us off.

  5. FYI, this is probably a holy water receptacle for home use
    . Just saying’.

    (That actually makes sense because it was way too little to put a plant in. I thought maybe it was for religious paperclips. ~ Jenny)

  8. $25 for that pretty boy? No way! You’d have to pay me to have that hanging on my wall, creeping me out! No offence, Jesus.

  12. We are the most frustrating reality TV show ever. Also I see he has no snacks. If you’re doomed to watch a bunch of people making the same mistakes over and over again then there should be comfort food.

  13. Victor is not wrong: clearly you can have the disappointment of the Lamb for free, any time you want. Or maybe that’s just me.

    However. The fact that he totally gets it and was able to crack jokes about it proves that he secretly wants this thing. Don’t let up! Keep mentioning it (or just buy it secretly… have them ship it to your house and tell him I sent it!) and it will be yours.

  14. I suspect WELP will be getting plenty of use in these quarters.

    There used to be a Jesus with upraised arms I’d see on my way home from Madison, WI (the big city, y’all), and I would always narrate his thoughts when I drove by, depending on the sort of day I’d had. Either YAY, RORY YOU ROCKED THOSE SALES! or WHAT THE WHAT, YOU DUMBASS WISCONSIN DRIVERS!

    The Knights of Columbus recently sold the building or repurposed it, and now I get mad every time I pass His little hill, now empty AF.

  15. I have that sassy eye-rolling Jesus on the bottom of an ashtray a friend bought for me. Below it are the words “Jesus Hates It When You Smoke”. Except now both the sassy Jesus and his dire warning are invisible beneath a thick layer of ash. I’m assuming Jesus hates that but I’m too lazy to run the thing under the faucet.

  17. No, theotherbrit, you are not alone. This extra Brit also wants to know. Is it like a reverse sconce?

  18. He must have been thinking about me. I am sure he looks like that often when he sees Mr. Hahahahaha

  20. Pretty sure the eye roll is also because he’s wondering why the artist made him blonde and blue eyed when he was a middle-eastern Jew. The eye roll is amazing.

  21. Wow! Jesus, Pretty in Pink. It’s his “Forgive them, they don’t have a clue what they’re doing” look.

  23. For some reason my RSS feeder has screwed up the pictures so this came up as a preview with “I found Jesus” and a picture of Ferris Mewler stealing your towel.

  25. Umm the heart thing on his chest looks like it has an atomic bomb mushroom cloud above it. Seems a bit extreme, even for the most devout.

  26. Please tell me where this is, because if you’re not going to get it I will.

  27. And he’s BLONDE too!!!! You must have a blonde, eye-rolling Jesus in your possession. White-boy Jesus.

  28. Not a fan of Jesus jokes I must say, otherwise you’re pretty funny in general.

  30. I think we need to have a “disappointed Jesus meme contest”! just imagine how many great memes we could have out there with this German looking eye rolling Jesus!!

  36. I need to re-watch the American Gods season finale and try to spot sassy, eye-rolling Jesus.

  39. I believe that Beach Boy Jesus is really saying “Oy Vey” whilst doing the eye roll thing.

  41. This is everything. Sassy Gay Friend is my new favorite person (besides you!)

  43. I have some great pictures of Jesus as a regular guy doing some average joe kind of stuff. How do I email them to you?

  45. Thank you. I needed a spiritual message today. Victor’s right about everything except the fact that you shouldn’t have the real image in your possession because you should have it.

  46. This depicts Christ with a sacred heart, a Catholic devotion. The “eye roll” is looking up in supplication to heaven. The pierced hands and heart remind Catholics of Christ’s suffering on behalf of humanity. It’s not an uncommon devotion or depiction of Christ, Maybe everyone here can suppress their incredulity or mocking of a religious image.

  47. I got one of the Buddy Christs from Dogma. I don’t think my religious sisters in law like it.

  48. This is fantastic! You must have it! I used to collect all kinds of religious statues. One of the coolest was a vintage chalkware statue of some saint dressed in black with skulls and all kinds of weirdness. I used to own an antiques shop and one day a catholic nun who ran a school bought all my statues! She was returning them to the fold so to speak. Getting them away from the heathens who just liked them because they were cool. I still have one cast metal statue of Mary looking not so much disappointed as resigned.

  51. Just when I think I couldn’t possibly love you more, you go and post something like this. I have no doubt that Jesus is shaking his head right now wondering what the fuck. Later today, an exasperated Jesus will pour himself another shot of tequila and scream, ‘LISTEN TO YOUR SASSY GAY FRIENDS, ASSHOLES!’ Praise Jesus, indeed.

  53. First of all, this is hilarious! “Sassy, eye rolling Jesus” is now at the top of the Jesus rankings, in my opinion. My list includes “Jedi Jesus” “Jeebus” “Cheesus” “Jumping Jesus” and “Jesus H Roosevelt Christ.” Second of all, WTF is a wall pocket? Is that some kind of everything-is-bigger-in-Texas-so-we-put-pockets-in-walls-to-hold-it-all kind of thing? Because I’m lucky if I can get pants with pockets and I definitely don’t have fancy “Sassy, eye rolling Jesus” pockets to store my leftover pieces of the body of Christ or loose change. You really are livin’ large!

  54. No but that first comment!!! I’m dead! I can just hear my southern gay bff saying that. Dis tew much!!

  55. It’s like you asked him if you should dye your hair blonde, and he’s saying, “Oh, girl–please. That’s so B.C.”

  57. Sassy Jesus looks like my brother. For real. This is what my brother looks like.

  58. But does his eyeroll follow you around the room? Talk about a sassy bitch!

  59. I think Eye Rolling Jesus may have jumped ahead of Tuxedo T-shirt Jesus as my new fave.

  60. Ha! Aha! Ah, hahahahahahahahaha gasp hahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  61. My husband was working in a mental hospital (NO, that is not where we met!) and some of his clients asked him why he would give a deep sign after something they said. He told them it was the Serenity Prayer – the Short Form. I can see Jesus doing that too.

  63. I’ve never been able to figure out what wall pockets are for outside of a fill-them-with-fake-ivy context, so Jesus’s expression makes this pocket at least 110% more useful to me already!

  65. Go back and negotiate for Jesus- You can probably get him for less money. You need this in your house if it speaks to you.

  67. i am going to pretend that this is the reaction Jesus is giving the guys I’ve dated who have adored me until they suddenly don’t. And then they disappear with no explanation. Like the one who adored me last week and now won’t respond to my texts. Thank you, Jesus, for being as fed up and disappointed as I am.

  70. This explains so much. Because THIS Jesus was the one plastered all over my daughter’s Catholic school. Guess they made Jesus roll his eyes.

  72. The only Gawd allowed in our house is a Viking Gawd because……well, The Viking. So we have Thor’s Hammers and creepy ravens. To each his own Gawd, right?

  74. This post hurts my heart! I hope you all will eventually know Jesus and love Him as a lot of us do. I’m not good at convincing anyone to do anything because I’m weird and shy and soooo very socially awkward but I hope someone that is more convincing than myself gets you interested in Him. He loves us no matter how much we mess up.

  75. He’s making the sound Kif Kroker makes whenever Zapp Branigan says anything.

  76. That guy rocked! Even an atheist like me can appreciate what this man had to say about being nice! And certainly he had to be exasperated about a lot of things back then; I can’t imagine how he would feel about people today!

  77. So, Victor will let you buy two headed bobcats and taxidermied raccoons but he won’t let you bring Jesus home? Tsk.

  79. Get Jesus. Put him in your closet. two weeks later, tell Victor it’s something you’ve always had, you just mislaid it. OR you’re just keeping it temporarily, for a friend. I’ve gotten new clothes and a cat using those methods.

  81. Except a good sassy gay friend would NOT call you a crazy bitch to your face. Only to his other gay friends.
    And I love the eye-rolling Jesus – although he is way to goyim for a good Jewish boy.

  82. One of the churches I went to as a kid had this exact picture hanging in the Sunday School room. I don’t think that was on accident. Exasperated Jesus is awesome.

  83. 1950’s Catholic Jesus! All the Italian grandmothers had one. Although how an Arab Jew was ever imagined as a blond haired blue eyed savior, I’ll never know.

  84. I did not know one post could contain this much awesomeness. I am glad to be proven wrong, repeatedly, by your posts. They are all full of awesome. Just when I think they can’t get any more awesome, you prove me wrong.

  86. I bet if you removed the facial hair from this picture Jesus would totally look like a girl.

  88. Jenny. Why do you even bring Victor places? You obviously never get to buy what you should buy. Recently you have been prohibited from purchasing a head tone and Christ. Am I the only one noticing a pattern? The moral of the story us that you should leave Victor home with Beyonce and go shopping with Laura.

  89. Jenny, I honestly don’t mean to be snarky here but since you feel so comfortable mocking Jesus and God, I shall expect the same treatment of Mohamed, Allah and Buddha. I would really like to know why Jesus is fair game and yet the rest are not. Where is this “tolerance” that everyone screams in our faces about? People are killing in the name of Allah and yet, no mockery of him. Do some real research of who Jesus was and why He chose to come to earth (to be the sacrifice for your sins…no other deity did that now, did they?).
    If you are going to mock deities, please be an equal opportunity mocker.

  90. Absolutely right!he would laugh at the mess humans have made of his teachings. Blessed are the poor, and the major churches have billions in wealth, and I include the Evangelicals!
    It’s not just the christians, the Buddhists also “honor” their teacher by building monstrous guided statues to Buddha that preached non attachment to wealth. Humans are deaf and dumb.

  93. During freshman orientation at my daughter’s catholic school last summer, they had to do some skit that involved Jesus as one of their characters. Their Jesus character was throwing shade at everyone and I was pretty stoked she didn’t get kicked out of school before she even started. Your Jesus is my Jesus. And my daughter’s hesus. And now she wants one for her room. Because EYE. ROLLING. JESUS.

  97. School girl ringlet hairdo and bull beard. Hmmm…. Transgender eyerollin’ Jesus? Count me in!

  99. This the Jesus I saw most of in my family’s homes and we were all Catholic so I think he may be Catholic Jesus. May also explain the eye roll. Have you ever sat through Catholic mass?

  100. Victor is right. He’s saying, “How can these people DO this horrendous stuff to each other and say it’s in MY name?” Jesus would really be weeping in that wall pocket painting. Mohamed and Moses and Buddha and the rest of the bunch are all saying the same thing and also weeping.

  101. I have one of those! I call him “Shade Jesus” and we light a candle on his altar every time we need to throw some Holy Shade.

  102. Like I said before. I need to shop where you shop, because you find the greatest “stuff”. I mean who doesn’t NEED a blond Jesus!

  103. It’s a holy water holder so you can bless yourself as you go in and out of the room. I have one from my great-aunt.
    To me this was a bad rendition of super-prettified Jesus, which would appeal to I have no idea whomever in the whole world, and which the real Jesus would have wanted to slap. “OMD* this deserves a can of whup-ass even more than those moneylenders in that temple!”
    *Oh My Dad

  104. hahahahaha I am laughing out loud!!!!!! I love this. Have you watched Talladega Nights? I love love love that he prays to little baby Jesus in your little golden diaper. hahaha it’s his favorite!

  106. This post is just the best! First, I also want an eye rolling Jesus! Second, you and Victor are definitely meant for each other because the witty banter back and forth about what he’s thinking…priceless! Third, this video cracks me the hell up! Everyone needs that Sassy Gay Friend! I will now commence to watching as many of these videos as I can get away with while at work and search online for my very own Eye-Rolling Jesus.
    Jenny, I think you should get the eye rolling Jesus and flash it to those damn doctors that never seem to know what is wrong with you!

  107. I love this ! you need to go back and get it. What is a wall pocket?

  108. Blond haired blue eyed Jesus?? That’s as inaccurate as a bloated ranting sex pervert woman hater “running” the “greatest country in the world!”
    What in jesus’ name is a wall pocket??

  109. Thank you for explaining this picture in a way better manner. You’re fabulous and Jesus would never roll his eyes at you.

  110. Oh, It is Good. If you happen to find Twenty bucks (esp. in Victor’s jeans while doing laundry) run back and dicker.

  112. Victor seems to be stopping you from buying the coolest things! You need to go shopping without him! Remember what happened the last time? Giant rooster? Lol

  113. As a small child, it drove me nuts trying to remember what I had done that was so bad Jesus had to die!

  114. My dad is a minister and I am now on a mission to get him a religious paper clips holder! Great post Jenny! Can’t wait to show this to him. 🙂

  115. My personal Jesus will always be the one from Christopher Moore’s “Lamb”. I filled in history’s holes with that book (which I have multiple copies for gifting, and my precious special edition bound in bible leather!) and I haven’t looked back since.

    On a separate note, not totally unlike wall pocket Jesus, my husband hung a crucifix in our bedroom that he thought was really cool, because it holds holy water and rosary beads and stuff. It turns out it’s the last rites crucifix, which is more than a little morbid, by my standards.

  116. “he still said $25 was too much to pay to have Jesus disappointed in you”
    I agree with the above Victor statement. Why pay for something you can get for free?

  117. Question: Why do you take Victor with you to thrift stores? He’s obvi a wall-pocket blocker and and tombstone blocker, just for starters. You two must have something worked out in this regard and it works for you but you still need to come here and cathart the sad. If so, I got you. If you’re still jonesin’ a week later do you get to go back and lay down some dollars? If you bring home a new thing do you have to let go of an old thing? Just curious. Signed ~ Really Damn Nosy

  119. He’s thinking “Jesus Christ on a crutch, limping all the way”. Live the eye roll.

  120. You must buy him then take him with you places. When someone says something rude or stupid use it like a mask. Ps I love your thrift store stories.

  121. Jesus is laughing all the way to the bank. We could all use a sassy gay friend. Are there ever any sassy lesbian friends available to guys. Mine are all nice, but I need someone more sassy.

  123. Seriously wouldn’t you roll your eyes at humanity if you were Jesus? I mean you get people being hateful in your name and you’ve probably been banned by God from table flipping the whole lot of us.

  126. Pretty traditional 50s blonde, blue eyed Jesus holy water font. Now, I am Catholic and a believer (they should be synonymous) but I am not offended. If Jesus did not have a sense of humor, He never would have lasted with those idiot apostles and their thick headedness. It’s always best to take things lightly. Yes, this definitely eye-opening Jesus.

  128. Truly a picture of me, freshly highlighted hair and my perimenopausal chin hair that just won’t stop growing!! Whatev’s, people.

  129. This Jesus is even holding his hands up in utter dismay and dismissal, kind of like my husband whenever I open my mouth.

  131. Sassy eye rolling Jesus is probably my new favorite form of Jesus, “Oh My Dad Tim, you didn’t just do that”

  134. Was there suppose to be sound on The Sassy Gay Friend videos? I did not have any sound…was it just me?

    (There’s sound for me. Maybe you have it muted? ~ Jenny)

  135. This is literally “JFC Jesus”. I’m looking on eBay for my own now, I can’t believe Victor denied you.

  136. Oh for Pete’s sake, you found a holy water font, Jenny…I have one I bought in Mexico, and it’s now hanging on my wall in my bathroom, resurrected for a second life as the perfect Q-tips holder. Yes, Q-TIPS HOLDER. So, Victor, this one-of-a-kind, eye-rolling Jesus is actually a FUNCTIONAL. Just saying. $25 well spent. It hangs right under the fake Russian icon of Christ in the Garden of Gesthemane. Now if YOU had one of these, think of the possibilities…Eye-Rolling Christ: “You’re. Shitting. Me. Nailed on the cross for THESE asshats?” “REALLY, Dad? Cosmic joke? Not funny.” etcetc.

  137. Catholic weighing in here. It’s the Sacred Heart of Jesus. The open heart thing represents his love for humanity. I think the rolled(or upraised eyes) remind us of his dual nature, divine and mortal.(it’s been a while since religion classes). If you read the gospel of Luke you know he tossed around sarcasm and shade. The whole point of the incarnation was human experience, so humor, friendship, hanging out and drinking were certainly part of it. Can’t imagine Jesus NOT rolling his eyes. Esp when his friends did dumb stuff.

    (Amen. ~ Jenny)

  138. Jesus is seriously lacking googly eyes, for that perfect eye-roll! $25 is a BARGAIN!

  139. IGNORE Victor………buy the Jesus! Yeah, the blond Jesus with blue eyes LMAO Love it.

  140. This is good, but not as good as Mormon Jesus, who is always so weirdly attractive, and in the home of every good Mormon. When I happen upon Mormon Jesus, I wonder how you hide from God the fact that he’s totally hot. Is that wrong? Or is it totally right? I can’t help but feel there’s some heavenly policy against dating one of your followers.

  142. That is the blondest Jesus I have ever seen in my life. And I grew up in fundie Idaho, so that’s saying something. DAMN. This is amazing.

  146. You should consider reading the book of Mark sometime. The whole thing isJesus LITERALY thrashing the disciples because they’re not paying attention.

  147. Why doesn’t Victor want your house to be decorated in Awesome?! I once went to this one church with a friend, one entire corner/half of the place has a giant painting of Jesus reaching out for you! That was big, scary Jesus!

    E

  148. It’s one thing to make hilarious comments about a supremely tacky item – that’s Entertainment. But to hang an actual religious artifact on your wall in irony just seems wrong to me and I’m not catholic or even particularily religious. It’s kind of like wearing a bunch of rosaries/crucifixes as a fashion statement when you’re NOT a bunch of nuns. Smiting may occur. Or, at the very least, some serious eye-rolling.
    meow meow meow

  150. Yeah, it’s for holy water. I grew up with Blond Jesus, too. (love the blue eyes, eh) (Prolly not a good idea to keep spare change in it.

  154. I think he is saying “Forgive them Father for they art dumbasses”, but with a very resigned slightly snarky voice.

  155. I think it would be very helpful to have your own, personal, pre-disappointed Jesus. Takes all the guesswork out of it, which would be very good for lowering anticipatory stress levels.

  157. Another religious Catholic here, and i think it’s hilarious. Jesus loves that ya’ll are talking about Him. You guys are a hoot.

  159. Oh, all my childhood was haunted by these images of an eviscerated Christ, wearing his heart on his robe. Usually bleeding. But I never saw one with such an entertaining face — he usually looked pained at best (as, indeed, would most of us if our innards had become outtards like this). This new look — maybe he just got born again?

  160. ERMAHGERD! I love the Sassy Gay Friend! I had to stop watching after Eve, though, bc MY “Victor” is sitting next to me wondering what the eff, and frankly, I’d rather not share funny stuff with him. Pbthhh.

  164. WOW! I seriously NEED a Sassy Gay Friend! I snorted so loud at one of those videos the cat jumped clear off the couch! As for all the “don’t make fun of Jesus” people… clearly Jesus and God had/have(?) a sense of humour, just look around you at all the weird things that are allowed to happen… the thing that turns most people off church is the crap that ‘Christians’ do… I think Victor has it right… besides they’d probably just be happy that so many people are talking about them. (is it him or them? does it matter?) #SOnotchristian #possiblygoingtohell

  167. I’m confused. What is a wall pocket?

    (It’s a pocket for your wall. Popular until the late 60’s. You can put yarn it or plants or flowers depending on the size. This one was tiny. ~ Jenny)

  168. I do see this picture as Jesus asking for supplication for humans. It is serious for those who believe in this Jesus. Personally I like the Italian versions better. Your perception is who you are and that’s the point. I have certainly pictured my Creator crying about or laughing hilariously at us humans. Btw, I have a picture that my grandson gave me of two little blond, curly headed white cherubs with a blue sky background and white clouds that would totally go with your picture.

  169. Jenny, you are wonderfully hilarious and can make me laugh even when I feel like crying. I hope you know how inspiring out are. You are fucking awesome, I hope you remember that on the down days. Peace and ♡

  170. “Oy Vey! What is wrong with these people?”

    Comparative religion classes would help those who think Jesus was the only god/son of god who did x/y or z. Really, there was Woden/Odin who travelled the world disguised as a human to test how people treated guests. Dionysus and Osiris, our saviours. Various Greek/Turkish fertility heroes were killed and then lived again such as Attis. Jesus wasn’t even the only one born at Christmas.

    It also, astonishingly, comes as a surprise to many that Jesus was Jewish, not a Christian.

  171. This is “I can’t EVEN” Jesus. Too funny! Oh, and I love the idea of Oy Vey Jesus too.

  173. Ah, yes, the “Why hast thou forsaken me” Jesus. Considering the state of things in 2017, I’m sure He’s got the same question echoing through His head every day now, so the look on His face is entirely appropriate.

  174. Don’t you have your own money? I guess I don’t understand why he polices your purchases.

    (If I had really wanted it I could have just bought it but usually we try to stick with stuff that we both agree should go inside the house. My office is already stacked to the gills with inappropriate things so I take his opinion into consideration and vice versa. Sometimes. ~ Jenny)

  175. I love how people seem to live with the misconception that Jesus/God had only 2 moods. So we are to believe that God is/Jesus was either all loving and forgiving or pissed beyond belief and vengeful? No. No freakin’ way. Being perfect, he totally has those moments of “What the ever loving fuck are you doing?!?”. That’s when those close calls happen. Like He reached down and smacked ya with a wake up call. And just before? He makes this face.

    I fucking love this, and I’m CHRISTIAN! Go back and buy it. Call it a work expense and write it off. I see plenty if Zazzle products with the fed up, very blonde, sassy, eye rollin’ Jew, pretty, pocket wall, savior boy in the near future.

    Fucking Gold!

  176. Sorry for all the typos. Not enough coffee. Thumbs don’t work with out caffeine.

  178. Ok so you really, really need that. The first thing I thought when I saw it was that it kind of looked like well-groomed gay Jesus but I didn’t want to cause offense by saying it but you totally went there (I just watched the whole series and laughed so hard even though I just had my tonsils out and it really hurts to laugh. Worth it.). And as I scrolled down to comment, I saw someone mention that it is likely a holy water receptacle. Um, have we not already established that you have a vampire plate galloping free in your house and you may have awakened the wrath of Vampire(!) Kurt Russell by outing his secret? It would be a health hazard NOT to have a font of holy water in your house right now. This is to protect your FAMILY. And given your recent spate of bad luck health wise, I feel like having holy water around could only help.

  179. Hey, yo, The Bloggess!

    I’ve been reading about your medical travails, and, while mine are nowhere near as dire as yours, I decided to share them with you. These are just the physical ailments, not going into the headology* problems (do you read Terry Pratchett novels? I swear, they are all that have been getting me through these political times. I read them over & over, obsessively).

    “This horror will grow mild, this darkness light.” ― John Milton , Paradise Lost

    *Headology: “It has been said that the difference between headology and psychiatry is that, were you to approach either with a belief that you were being chased by a monster, a psychiatrist will convince you that there are no monsters coming after you, whereas a headologist will hand you a large stick and a chair to stand on. The Headology approach is also very similar to Susan Sto Helit ‘s practical approach to children’s problems; since the child already believes in Bogeymen , then you may as well go along with it and teach them that they can also very firmly believe in the fireplace poker , too.v

    My own travails, for which I am going to doctors on 7/12-13, are based in my gut & my nose/ear, sigh.

    My gut: Unending, horrifying diarrhea (prolly due to lack of gall bladder), for which I finally wised up & started taking an Imodium pill every day or so. Prolly end up having another colonoscopy. When my son was here 3 weeks ago, I stood up from my chair all unsuspecting, & had a gusher of diarrhea right then & there. So awful. That was the final straw from which I started the Imodium regimen. I have more shit-stained clothes than I ever had since getting out of diapers. I hope you’re laughing at the horror of it, cuz I am!

    Ahhhh, my nose…. I have a strong belief that coconut oil is the panacea for all ills. Yeah, I’m wrong – at least as far as the small jar of it that has been sitting on my sink for the last few years & indiscriminately used for all orifices (well, above the neck, thank JAYZUS!) when dryness hits. So, at the end of this winter, we (I, my lazy ass was tard of filling them) let the humidifiers run dry too early, with the result of dry air & dry nose for moi. So, totally unaware that I was incubating staph or strep or both in my old jar of coconut oil, I was blithely sticking it up my nose for lubrication & moisture, thereby giving myself ➡️IMPE-FUCKING-TIGO⬅️ in my nostrils. I finally went to my doctor when I realized the horror in my nose was not going away. She diagnosed it with one look up my right nostril. Disgusting.

    My ear: My right ear started getting crusty & then slicky-slidey with juice when I scratched it. Diagnosis: eczema! Wtf? In my EAR? Now I’m having weird problems, like an inner ear infection with crackling inside & awful earaches. A week in FL seems to have helped it a bit.

    Finally – I grind my teeth so hard at night that I go through a heavy-duty mouth guard every couple of months. I wake up with my jaws aching. It started, hunh, during my 1st marriage.

    Antidote to today’s political scene: We are power-watching The West Wing (3 episodes/night) just to see how a sane POTUS behaves. We’re just starting the fourth season out of seven on Netflix. I had a lovely erotic dream about Josh Lymon – I turn 65 next month. Ahaha!

    Mary Jo

    …protect your magic…

    (I love Terry Pratchett. ~ Jenny)

  180. I personally like the picture of Jesus laughing. We have way too many photos of him on the cross. He’s not there anymore. But we never just see him having a good time. He was one of us. He probably played practical jokes on the 12 all the time. I’m a good humored sort. I love to laugh. And I believe my Jesus loves to laugh as well. Why else would it mention his joy so much? He wasn’t a sweet old aunt with a, “well isn’t that nice dear.”

  181. Surprise gift for Victor for Christmas to be installed in his home office. To hold paperclips. You know he secretly wants it.

  184. I’m over here going “WHERE are my googly eyes??” because I was going to print this out and put googly eyes on him, b/c that would make it better. but I can’t find my tin of eyes. so i i guess that idea is out of the picture. but it’s. fine.. I can’t print in color at work anyway so he’d be black and white jesus. which just isn’t the same

  185. I need Jesus in my life (kinda). Can you let me know where I can get that tin? Because I am waiting to dial the phone with a credit card in hand to bag that bad boy and make him mine!

  186. I agree w/Marie (#20). I also have wondered why so many paintings of the Holy Family portray them as blondes. Were there really that many blonde people in the Middle East 2000 years ago? Are European-descended people REALLY so self centered to think everyone looks like them? (yeah, probably!) I kind of suspect that the artists were painting on commission, and painted the people to resemble their patrons, instead of how the “subjects” likely really looked. The image on the Shroud of Turin looks way more like a person from that geographical area.

  187. If Victor isn’t willing to spend $25 for judgy Jesus, then I don’t think he GETS what Jesus was all about. I can see him doing the eye roll – But DAD!!! No one else is being nailed to the cross! This isn’t FAIR!!!

    Tell him he needs to buy Jesus so he can understand how Jesus works. As a religious figure, not as a person who works. Although I would probably hire Jesus to do my carpentry work and then look at his butt while he fixes my cabinets. Because Jesus is helpful that way. I think. I don’t know. I’m not religious. Stop judging me Jesus.

  188. Your last paragraph is absolutely what Jesus is thinking while eye-rolling. Plus I’ve discovered “Sassy Gay Friend”, awesome post, Jenny!

  189. I really seriously want this. Is it anywhere near Austin?

    (It’s in Comfort. ~ Jenny)

  190. My version of a Sassy Gay Friend would be too self-assured to ever refer to me as a bitch.

  191. Victors like the sassy gay friend in the beginning saying “what are you doing?!” When you want to buy fawesome(fuckingawesome)things at thrift shops. My husband is the same way at antique stores he has to reel me back in. You and I would get in sooo much trouble buying ridiculous things together Jenny. Another reason I often wish to visit Texas. Anyways I think you NEED that and I’m sure all of your devoted followers(no pun intended) would gladly take up a collection for you and give it to you as a gift.;)

  193. Whoa! Jesus has been white-washed big time. He’s rocking that perm.

  195. Did someone recommend the website Jesus of the Week? Because that is essential here.

  196. In my Universe, Jesus practically fell on the floor laughing at this post and loves you all the more for it! And He definitely wants to go live at your house. Love and laughter go hand in hand.

  198. I have seen this picture of Jesus before and now that I have seen it through your view, it will never be the same!! I think you are right, maybe it wasn’t meant that way originally but now it fits perfectly, to say what are these people doing !! 💜

  201. I needed a cross necklace one year for a halloween costume. I told the chick at the costume shop that “I needed a cross, but not one with the little guy on it” At which point she said ” You mean, Jesus?” and I said ” or anyone…..” She wasn’t too thrilled with me

  202. This pleases me. And if I wasn’t afraid of having religious themed thrift store finds in my home, I’d totally find a purpose for this Jesus.

  204. For every one like me who’s heartsick at Whitewashed Jesus; for every one who is saying Don’t mock an icon of my faith- keep in mind that this photo, in this unexpected place, may be the very thing that makes a person whom we don’t know, decide to find out what their soul is wanting.
    “There are as many paths to G-d as there are rays of sunlight” (paraphrased)

  205. Oh sweet Jesus on a Ritz that is the EXACT same picture that was in the living room of a childhood friend when we were growing up. Her father was the source of my first childhood trauma when he lined up a litter of puppies in their backyard and shot them. It was his solution to birth control.

  208. I am at work (do not tell). I’d like go on a rampage that would land me in the psych ward of the hospital I work at. This made me literally laugh out loud in the charting room of the dead silent neurosurgery unit at 10:15PM. Thank you for being you and lifting my spirits when my anxiety wants to crush my soul.

  210. My totally non religious husband just said he thought he thinks he needs Jesus in his life

  212. I don’t know if I can include pictures but I have a “collection” of weird Jesi. There’s only two now but I hope to expand. One is a statue of Jesus with little children but Jesus is black for some reason. Like it looks kinda like someone bought a regular Jesus statue and then painted him to be another race. And the other thing is just a really poorly drawn Jesus portrait that I found at a thrift store. I will forever regret the time I found a holographic picture of a black Jesus with a six-pack and did not buy him.

  213. Once my girl scout friends and I made a bunch of baby Jesus manger scenes out of popsicle sticks to sell at a craft fair. One of them asked to pass the box of baby Jesi. I laugh every time I see the ornament.

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