Weird things on my desktop that I made screenshots of because WTF.

in Random Crap

I’m taking a small road trip to look for bears but I thought I’d share with you a few things on my desktop that I’ve taken screenshots of because they made me question everything.  Maybe it’s just me.

1.

I asked Google who all the famous Czech people are and Google’s second category was just the word “WHAT” with a bunch of people looking at my search like I’m crazy for even asking.

2.

Every once in a while I look at the terms people were searching for that led people to my blog and then I remember why I don’t this more often.

3.

Under “more to consider” Amazon suggested several sets of human teeth,  so I’ve got that going for me.

4.

Email I got from Zazzle.  It’s shocking how often this happens with products I design.

5.

I was searching for a gif for “free stuff” and this stuff was suggested.  What is even happening in that middle picture?  I’m so confused.

6.

I went here to see how long to boil and egg and these were the suggestions for what to read afterward. WikiHow is getting dark, y’all.

7.

Spellcheck is making me question everything.

8.

Is this ad still valid? I found it in a comic book from the 60’s and I am intrigued.

9.

This is an ad I keep getting on Facebook and every time I see It I think, “Is she shitting?” Because it looks like she’s shitting.

10.

This ad was in my local paper from 1902 and it just makes me realize that even in 1902 people were judging mothers harshly. Also, if your kid is asking “PLEASE CAN I HAVE MORE BOTTLED WORM SYRUP?” you’re probably going to get judged. Catch-22.

SaveSave

SaveSave

SaveSave

SaveSave

SaveSave

SaveSave

SaveSave

SaveSave

SaveSave

SaveSave

112 thoughts on “Weird things on my desktop that I made screenshots of because WTF.”

Read comments below or add one.

  3. Maybe you put the pet baby raccoons ad in the comic and just don’t remember it. Actually, it sounds like something your father would do.

  4. When I was a kid we moved to a farm. After we’d been there a year my mom confessed to worming us all by secretly putting worming powder in the food. Cause she thought farms were wormy places.

    And they wonder how I ended up this way.

  5. So THAT’S what Oliver wanted MORE of? worm syrup… no wonder the orphanage people got so pissed. you never have enough worm syrup on hand…..

  7. To clarify, the second image in #5 is a butt. Getting stuffed. Really makes you wonder about Walt Disney, doesn’t it?

  9. I feel like I’m doing something wrong in with my online searches for not receiving results anything like this. You are so lucky, Jenny. Off now to order a baby raccoon and worm syrup. Lots of worm syrup. The raccoon will probably want it too.

  10. Oh my God. She totally is shitting. You’d have to pay me a lot of money before I’d let someone take a picture of that! 🙂

  11. Avoid the raccoon. They turn nasty when they hit puberty and they never come back from it. Kind of like some people I know.

    And to the person whose mom is apparently 39 stories, does she do windows? Because mine need cleaning.

  15. Clearly, I’m doing it wrong. I never see that kind of cool stuff. All I get are invitations from exotic and clever Eastern European women that are REALLY excited to meet me, or google (and friggin spellcheck) telling me there is no such thing as “househusbandology.”

    And please forgive me for link-dropping, but since you’re on your way to check out bears, I thought you might appreciate some not-so-expert, but maybe kinda funny advice on making the most out of your bear encounters.
    http://www.almostunsalvageable.com/7-tips-to-make-the-most-of-bear-encounters/

  18. This is like a recipe for a bad dating profile. Throw ingredients together randomly and shake with vigor.

    Genetically assless Czech Whatsit seeks racoon hoarding worm syrup lover for pet funeral planning and earlobe hair removal. Must wear fuzzy leggings while shitting. Send all further inquiries via spellcheck.

  19. That chick is definitely taking a shit. Sometimes it takes longer (cheese, excessive beer drinking, emotionally driven ugly-eating, a good book, etc.), so why deny yourself comfort and warmth even on the shitter? Genius really.

  20. My take on #5 Middle picture – the small duck (Huey, Louie, or Dewey?) is pushing their Uncle Donald through a hole in the fence that he got stuck in. Because, you know, Donald is really not that bright.

  22. I may or may not have searched for your blog using “knock knock motherf*cker”

  23. I knew there was a market for various kinds of animal teeth….which bothers me, because the animal was probably killed on purpose, ……. but human teeth? Didn’t know about that. Wonder who is killing the humans for their teeth.

    And, yes, the lady in tights is obviously sitting on the toilet. Now, whether she is peeing or pooping is hard to tell from the photo. But why the hell would they use an image like that?!

  24. I’m so glad you put this out here. I needed a lift today. The leggings looked like she also didn’t have lower legs.

  27. I’m surprised the human teeth weren’t in your recent purchases section. And the raccoon salesman needing to know your closest airport seems a bit sketchy. Florida has raccoons so he doesn’t need to fly them in. Is he planning a quick escape? Is buying a raccoon from a comic book the gateway to becoming a drug mule? Does he just really like planes?

  28. I had to go to the site that has the leggings, just to see. They have elephant leggings and cat leggings. Because the pictures are really bad, I can’t tell if they are leggings for elephants, or leggings with pictures of elephants on them. Haven’t looked at the cat ones yet. I’m a little afraid.

  29. Yep, shitting. Why isn’t that in the content guidelines as a no-no???

  30. Yes, Wikihow is getting dark.

    I would even go as far as ‘sinister’.

    Unhealthy interest in human teeth…stalking famous Czech people…yep, there’s gonna be a funeral in this person’s life soon, either way.

  32. The teeth remind me of that guy in True Grit that collected the dead guys teeth to sell to people. Weird.
    I recently saw a bear in my nice, suburban neighborhood. Just walking nonchalantly across the street. Probably looking for a pool to lounge in. Lots to choose from in So. Cal.
    Anyway, if you really want to see bears, then go to Raton, NM. They pillage the town every summer.

  33. A girl I know makes jewelry out of ethically sourced human teeth and animal bones (the bones she usually takes from roadkill she finds). She’ll also preserve parts of deceased pets into jewelry. Some of it is really lovely, well, maybe not the human teeth, but I guess there’s something for everyone. She’s on instagram at bone.lust.

  35. Wikihow’s artwork is the best. It’s so often made up of weird non sequiturs that have nothing to do with the content — someone even made a guessing game out of it at http://www.damn.dog and I am laughably terrible at it.

  36. I can’t understand the part in the raccoon ad where all they need is your phone number and nearest airport. I assume they fly the raccoon to your airport and call? That seems a little precarious for lots of reasons!! But so good!

  37. OMG, I know, the weirdest things come up when I search for something very normal(well at least to me it is) and spell check totally gets on my nerves because it wants to misspell words I know are right and when i can’t spell a word …..crickets…. so I just change the whole sentence.

  39. Zazzle! You’re their best marketing, as far as I was concerned. I can feel them tsk-tsking at your arson ref. They also kicked out my young relative’s drawing of a trademarked character, I guess trademark wins but also, child drawing? Sigh.
    Then I read through their own blog and the designer/artists are politely writing in wondering why they don’t make any money. Turns out those “sale” prices come out of the artist’s commissions. Everyone else gets paid.
    Then I saw the Zazzle people are a family operation who were setting up a corporate office in Ireland, Apple-style. This means they won’t pay taxes in the U.S.
    Then I decided I could look for different vendors without a tax-dodging middleman taking artist’s commissions.
    It’s too bad. It could have been a real income source for a lot of different people.

  41. I’m a little worried about that “content guidelines” thing.

    I may or may not own a custom garden flag that says, in the fanciest script I could select, “Get off my lawn.” Someday I may need to replace it.

  43. I thought this was going to be things on your physical desktop, so it took me a moment to realize what you meant when I read the post. (Clearly I’m over the age of 40) Can you please also do a post of things on your physical desktop, because knowing you that would be hilarious!

  44. I grew up on a farm. The preferred method of preventing worms was to give us a spoonful of sugar with a couple of drops of kerosene. I never had worms that I can recall.

    Also, “wormy kid” sounds like they might have just been emo before emo was cool.

  45. Um. If you want to guarantee to see bears, you need to visit Bear World which is south of Yellowstone in Idaho.

    http://yellowstonebearworld.com

    You can BOTTLE FEED A CUB!!

    Then there’s a straight (beautiful) drive though the north of Rexburg to Jackson Hole on your way to Wyoming. (Don’t forget the bypass from Rawlins to Laramie. Bald Eagles galore)

  47. These are so great. Thank you for posting them. <3 I hope your trip is going well too.

  48. I wish I was genetically assless. 😔 My oldest daughter and I both got butt from my dad’s side of the family. My mom has no butt.

  49. The woman in the leggings probably had to drink some of that worm syrup after catching them from her pet raccoon.

  50. I hate it when someone dies loudly. “Hello, some of us are trying to hear this tv show, not just watch it, can you keep it down in there? Sheesh!”

  51. I feel a little less intimidated by you now, cuz I thought all your inspiration and content came straight from your brain. It helps me to know you’re getting an assist from the internet. Can I get a how to on #2, pleez?

  52. Human teeth. Of course. You always get the BEST recommendations from Amazon. Yesterday I was super excited because I got a recommendation for a stegosaurus taco holder. And you get human teeth! Some people have all the luck.

  53. You could buy the human teeth and then ask your dad to use them in his ethically sourced taxidermy. They’d look lovely in a smiling possum.

  54. I am sure that was a different meaning for “stuff” LOL.
    If she is shitting, then she will need to wash that top before she leaves the crapper….because she shit on the back hem for sure. UGH! I don’t want to stand in line behind her.
    Can you send me a link to “How to act at a Funeral” ? It appears that I shouldn’t cry or look at the hymnal. Damn, I will be making up some strange lyrics. People will probably stare. Is there one on how to avoid a funeral without looking like a dick?

  55. You know one sure way to know if kids have worms? WORMS! There are actually worms coming out of their rear end.
    Now if a parent ignores that sign I am for sure going to judge them but they other “symptoms”… I guess I have worms.

  56. Can you cut off a guy’s wiener even if he hasn’t cleaned out the garage? Or is it better to wait until he’s emptied the kitty litter?
    Lorena Bobbitt

  57. I will totally deliver a semi friendly raccoon to you for $29.95. That will just about cover the gas to get across Austin.

  58. Mrs. Fever – I loved your post so much I almost created a wordpress account just to like it. Then I decided you would be more complimented by this message.
    Nothing seems to explain the connection between boiled eggs and death satisfactorily however.

  60. Maybe those are special shitting leggings because wouldn’t they show at least one of the models doing something else besides shitting? And if they are, I don’t always have time to change clothes before shitting.

  61. Well, seeing as you gave Canada a miss – Especially my area and you were so close too! :’-( (Vancouver, BC) I’ll have to share this bear warning sign. Bears, sigh, are all over here which is not such a good thing given that they become a nuisance and then are sometimes put down rather than relocated. Pet racoons sound better than the family that lives near us and like to scare the shit out of my adult daughter (the mom walks through our yard and across the patio hissing at her, lol!) and we have the biggest skunk in the world, I swear. He looks to be the size of a fat badger and walks like one too. Oh and the coyotes that live in the park. They are big on howling with delight after a fresh kill. At 2am you are saying to yourself, damn there goes another cat 🙁 Our suburban wildlife – what can I say. 😀 So back to Canadian Bears: http://www.onegentleman.biz/Stories/images%20stories/Bear-Warning-in-BC.jpg

  62. Stuff You Should Know podcast’s episode about hookworm and how it affected the South is way interesting. It explains the worm syrup.

  63. I always have to look up how to boil an egg too! EVERY DAMN TIME! My brain refuses to retain this information and I don’t know why.

  64. Sorry, I don’t think you can get raccoons in Hialeah anymore. Backyard chickens? DEFINITELY. But no more raccoons (they eat the chickens)

  65. That description of a kid with worms is totally me everyday. OMG, do I have worms!? Do they still make worm syrup or am I doomed to suffer?

  68. I love these posts so much. They always seem to come right when I need to laugh the most. And yes, she is totally taking a dump. For the entire world to see. I admire her commitment to her career.

  70. My best friend when I was a kid was skinny and tall (he ended up being 6’10”) and his relatives used to tease him about having worms.
    So what kind of hordes do heathens have, anyway?

  71. Wait, is WikiHow suggesting you should wear bib overalls to a funeral?

  72. Do racoons really make wonderful pets? From what I’ve seen on TV and movies, they seem to like eating from rubbish bins.
    Safe travels Jenny.

  73. I wish I got ads from Heathens Hoard. And yes she’s totally shitting.

  75. I once commented that exact question on the same tights ad on Farcebook and the company responded that it was to show the fullness of the product. I replied with ‘When you’re pooping?’

    They deleted my comment.

  76. Jenny, I feel the need to point out (to you, given your particular affinity for all things taxidermied, that the raccoons in question are LIVE raccoons–our would have been when offered. Then again, perhaps if they didn’t sell, they stuffed them? Nevermind.

  77. I’ve gotten ads for leather and Harleys before. Keep in mind I’m a very introverted 51 year old mom of two who loves to read and has anxiety. Leather and Harleys aren’t exactly on my radar. But I gotta say, jenny, I think the ad for teeth has some potential given your fondness for taxidermy. Maybe one of your darlings needs some dentures or a new smile? 😊❤️🌈

  79. Fleece leggings are not all they are cracked up to be..says the person who ordered six pair last October when it started to MAAAAAAAAAYBE get a little chill in the air and then the Weather Gods laughed and went “JUST KIDDING!” because this is Texas, after all.

  83. Number 4 is my favorite! If anything that you write or create “contains content that is in conflict with one or more” content guidelines…there’s nothing “unfortunate” about it… in my opinion you’re doing it right!
    Keep up the good work!
    Erin Cooper Reed

  85. You have to go camping to find bears and then you can wake up with your head in a bear’s mouth. And if she isn’t shitting, what else could she be doing?

  87. You are the sunshine in a weary world! Looks like you’re having a great time on your vacation!!! Good luck with the bears. They show up in Phoenix when it’s been dry in the mountains and they come down looking for water (usually finding it in someone’s swimming pool).

  88. I wondered where my teeth got to. And thanks for the heads-up on the worms. I always felt there was something missing in my bad parenting repertoire.

  89. The bottom fell out at 7:00pm for no Valid reason at all. One minute I was getting dressed to go out to see a steamy lesbian flick I was excited about, and the next I was crawling into bed trying not to cry… It’s so stupid. I cancelled on my friend going to the show tonight then spent the evening crying and writing to try to get the sadnes out of my chest. Then at 10 everyone figured out something wasn’t quite right. I started getting texts and phone calls from everyone I love, and I couldn’t tell them what was wrong. Everything. Nothing. I feel so stupid and like a fraud somehow. Like I dont deserve the caring calls because nothing worthy of tears even happened. I just stopped not crying all of the sudden… and I have no idea how to explain that.

    I’m just speaking into the void because I feel like some of you might understand.

  90. These posts made my day. And your money order is in the mail, can’t wait for my pet raccoon. Please send a live one.

  92. Your google is bizarre — mine pops up Martina Navratilova and Madeleine Albright. And many other people whose names I don’t recognize, but I sure know Martina & Madeleine!

  97. Just how I found your blog. Google, late night self pity party, questioning everything. I entertain the idea of writing a blog but am stuck on mostly reading. And now I have more reading to do. Maybe one day I expand upon the one liners in my head. Have a great trip!

  98. I don’t mean to encourage you in your tendency to avoid travel, but you’d probably have been better off in your quest to see bears if you’d stayed home and watched PBS’s Alaska Live show. On Sunday, they were following the bears all over the place. Much safer that way too! Good luck in your quest – hope you don’t encounter any of your google searchers instead of bears…or if you do, I hope they’re as wonderful as they are weird!

  101. Nobody who has read your blog for more than a day is surprised that Zazzle regularly censors you. 🙂

  104. That is Donald Duck getting caught peeking into his nephew’s clubhouse (no grownups allowed) and getting caught and punished by Louie or Dewey or the other one whose name I can’t spell. And yes, one or more of the cartoonists had a butt fetish because there is a lot of weird butt stuff and spanking in many old Disney cartoons.

  111. The last ad reminds me of a book I read…”Being Dead Is No Excuse, the southern ladies guide to the perfect funeral”. Hilarious and also applies to mom shaming!

  112. Pingback: Walkable City, Visible City, and 4 more book reviews | The Earthling's Handbook

Leave a Reply

MY BOOKS:


shop

Subscribe to the bloggess, y'all.

Enter your email address and receive notifications of new posts by email. It\'s like I\'m stalking you, but more efficient.

Archives

ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:

I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:

Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

Beautiful Writers book: Writers! This coming-of-career memoir (w/ the BEST advice from celeb authors, real shit you haven’t heard) is life. A page-turning beach read doubling as how-to. #Magic

The Dating Days of Marta O: When I told my sister I was building a blog she said: “Do people still read blogs?” I do not know, but if YOU want to read it, here it is. Keep in mind, my stories about dating after 40 are for the brave.

Where Do I Belong? A memoir of Sarah Carrington: The unbelievable story of growing up in a religious cult in the mountains of Northern British Columbia. What happens to you in life doesn’t make you strong; rising above it does.

CONNECTED: A Personal Journal for Ketamine Therapy Created by writer & patient Katherine Davis for this powerful clinical treatment. If considering ketamine for major depression, check out this essential tool.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: SO GOOD.

Discover more from The Bloggess

Subscribe now to keep reading and get access to the full archive.

Continue reading