When do the cyborg bodies get here?

in If I was a dog I'd be dead by now, Random Crap

I’ve been a bit MIA lately so here’s a quick update about where I am and what I’m doing.

I had a severe allergic reaction that made me vomit for 10 straight hours and I don’t recommend it.  I developed an allergy to brazil nuts this year and now it’s so bad that even a sliver makes my body turn inside out and my doctor was like, “Hey, interesting trivia that might kill you:  Brazil nuts are the only allergies that are sexually transmitted.”  And I was like, “Awesome.  So I have a severe allergy AND an STD?” and she explained that I couldn’t give the allergy to other people but that if I had sex with someone who ate brazil nuts I could have a severe allergic reaction because apparently brazil nuts come out of your semen.  Not whole, I mean.  That would probably be noticeable.  But enough to send you into shock if you have sex with someone full up on brazil nuts.

This seems like something that should be known since some people have deadly nut allergies and I suggested an ad campaign like, “Keep nuts out of your nuts” but my doctor said it probably wouldn’t fly because the people who make brazil nuts wouldn’t be pleased and I was like, “I’M NOT GOING TO LET BIG NUTS KEEP ME DOWN.”  And she looked at me weird and I explained that the people who owned tobacco were “Big Tobacco” so the nut people were probably “Big Nuts” and she nodded and probably wrote a note to herself to stop accepting my insurance.

I looked for a gif for “brazil nuts” and this is what they gave me. Seems fitting.

In other news about my body trying to kill me, I can’t take the injections for rheumatoid arthritis because of the latent tuberculosis that I probably only have because my autoimmune system is fairly non-existent because of the injections I take for rheumatoid arthritis, so I have to take a medicine to kill the tuberculosis but my doctor just checked my blood and the medication to kill the TB is fucking up my liver so I have to go back in for more tests to see if I need to go off the anti-tuberculosis meds which would mean I couldn’t take the RA meds keeping me out of a wheelchair because then I could get active tuberculosis.  I am a snake swallowing it’s own tail.  And also I’m allergic to snakes.  Additionally, the pill cam data came back and the doctor was like, “You’re all fucked up but we still don’t know where all your missing blood is going.  Your stomach looks gross though and you have ulcers.”  Probably from the stress of all these tests.  Long story short, my body is trying to kill me and I want a replacement.  Or a cyborg body.  I’m not picky.

PS. I’m fine.  A little pathetic and very tired but it’s a relief to know the scarier things I was worried about seem to be okay.  Things could be worse and I think the meds (mainly supplements, vitamins) the doctor has had me on for the past 3 months are helping.  And I’ve lost almost 25 pounds on this horrible low-carb, low-sugar diet the doctor forced me to go on so I almost look like the person I photoshop myself to be on the internet.

PPS.  AND my hard drive broke last week but Apple just fixed it and Victor backed it up and the books I was working on are there!  I was so relieved I cried a little.

179 thoughts on “When do the cyborg bodies get here?”

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  1. Such good news about the computer and the books! I mean, most of the rest of it sucks, but that is the good part. Until the cyborg bodies make it out of testing, at least.

  3. I am so sorry you’re going through that. 🙁 Have you looked at CBD oil? It fights general inflammation and doesn’t get you high.

  4. Hooray for small victories! Your files were saved and your body is only trying to kill you a little bit. All in all, I’d say that’s kinda goodish, right?

  5. Oh, man, that truly suckssuckssucks. You are on my prayer list, darlin’. I don’t know how you can manage to be so freaking funny with all of that going on!!!

  7. I am so glad you saved the book! And I wish I could send you a cyborg body. Or a cute pet monkey who could act as a bodyguard and keep away all the big nuts.

  9. Big gentle! hugs for you and your stupid body! Lemme know when they’re ready with those cyborg bodies because I’d love one too. I’m so happy your hard drive was saved and you didn’t lose all your work/bookmarks/screenshots/gifs that make you laugh!

  10. I never understood the appeal of Brazil nuts. They’re hard to get out of the shell, they’re bitter and they leave you with dry mouth. Of course now I’m wondering what other food stuff ends up in semen but I’m not going to google it out of fear of what might pop up.

  11. Wow. Thanks for updating, I was starting to worry. Not that the update set my mind at ease… But happy about the computer thing. Keep on keeping on honey, the world needs you!! XO

  12. Sometimes I read your posts and I think, “You couldn’t make this stuff up!” And then I realize that this is YOUR LIFE, and I am so thankful you have such a wonderful, twisted, fabulous outlook — and that you share it with us.
    Much love to you! <3 <3 <3
    (By the way, I hate Brazil nuts and if I happen to forget and buy one of the mixed nuts cannisters, those are always left behind. Ick.)

  14. I really have nothing to offer other than maybe sharing some of my ass, thighs and belly with you.

    Since you said you need new body parts.

    And that’s what I’m willing to give up.

    Because generosity.

  16. Oh my goodness–what an ordeal. So glad the book(s) were saved and hooray for learning about Big Nuts. I can’t believe that’s not a PSA. If you need a cyborg body, perhaps the creators of Ghost in the Shell or Terminator could help. –Trying to give you a chuckle, but clearly that’s not the business I’m in, so hopefully at least a wan smile. Hope they find your blood soon, too.

  17. “I’M NOT GOING TO LET BIG NUTS KEEP ME DOWN” is definitely t-shirt worthy.

  21. (PSST! I think you mean snake swallowing his own “tail.” And then delete this comment like it’s evidence. Except I kind of anticipate you’d be terrible at covering evidence? I know I am. I realized after my dog split his ear open and shook blood all over my house that I’d never be able to commit a murder because I kept finding blood spots for weeks. So my husband’s safe at least.

    …This took a turn. I started talking about correcting a word and ended up on murdering my husband? Yikes. Sorry.)

  24. I can’t be the only one wondering if Victor’s the one who accidentally ate a “sliver” of Brazil Nut? 😉

  26. Books, as in more than one?!! Yay!! I’m sorry your body is trying to kill you, but I’m extremely selfish and very excited to have new Jenny Lawson books to devour. Also, fun fact: brazil nuts are actually seeds. Do what you will with that little factoid.

  28. How can you feel so shitty and still be so funny??? We are all hoping you get to feeling better. But still be funny. Don’t lose that. xo

  29. Apparently Brazil Nuts aren’t actually nuts…but really SEEDS. At least, that’s the information I got from watching “Friends” re-runs. (This is why I get ALL of my personal medical knowledge from syndicated sitcoms.)

    But still…I could see a great tie-in with the seeds thing…you know, semen/seeds….yeah, no…never mind…

  30. Wishing for a cyborg body myself these days. My body keeps collecting rare diseases like they are special pokemon cards.*

    i’m not really sure what a pokemon is, but all the cool kids seem to be all over that shit.

    Hang in there Jenny!

  31. So is the hard drive part of the cyborg body? Because I have a hard drive I’d like to put in my new cyborg body when it’s available but pretty sure by the time it is the technology will have changed and they’ll be like “Sorry no the body won’t talk to the drive” and I’ll wind up on the scrap heap of life on a ship headed to China to be torn apart and recycled. Sigh.

  32. Sorry you are feeling awful. Ever since you posted your address, I’ve been tempted to drive over to your house and leave a jar of buttons by your front door, ring the doorbell and run. I live in Bulverde so it wouldn’t be a very far drive. Have you ever visited Barney Smith’s Toilet Seat Museum in Alamo Heights? It seems like the kind of quirky place that you would love.

  33. OMG. Hang in there! I’m sorry that brazil nut sex almost killed you! And thank you for making me laugh.

  34. Forgive me if this is too morbid, but when you get the cyborg body, I would seriously consider donating the ‘used’ one to science JUST to see the look on the instructor’s face when he goes body spelunking in front of a gathering of nervous students! XD

    “…Aaaannnd here’s the… oh… well damn I’m not really sure what this was…”

  35. Yay for small victories Jenny! So sorry about your body and your hubby’s semen trying to kill you, that’s no good! I think RoBoJenny sounds like a pretty great idea right about now, plus then you would be your own computer and your wouldn’t have to have Apple fix your shit. Wishing you better days on the horizon!

  36. I’m so sorry. And this has probably been asked–but did they check you for Celiac Disease with an endoscopic biopsy? a blood test might give you a false negative because of the Immunosuppressants.

  40. Having an Ouroborus as your spirit animal is not a bad thing. It is the symbol of renewal and energy.

  41. You know, Brazil nuts used to have a super racist name (like, a word I’m not even going to type here), so maybe this is a case of your body being so good and anti-racist that it’s rejecting anything to do with that sort of language.

    Ten hours of puking does seem like overkill, though. I think four should have been enough.

  42. I can’t help you with RA, ulcers or Big Nuts, but I can tell you that low carb doesn’t have to suck – have you looked into Keto? I’ve lost 70lbs eating sausage and eggs every day. Plan to forever now.

  43. My body sux too.

    I am currently on my way to the ER . Literally writing this in the ambulatory. Went to Express care because my body suddenly decided to burn me up from the inside out. I thought it was a reaction from my Hashimoto thyroiditise. But the doc thinks I had a stroke. Whoopy!

  45. Weren’t you told in the past (by a dr.) to eat 2 Brazil nuts a day for your potassium levels? Or am I mis-remembering? I think there is a conspiracy going on here!

  46. I love you Jenny! I’m so glad you are on the low carb diet, it helps me tremendously too with my RA and all the other tag along immune system shit that goes with it. As soon as I mess up or have booze, I feel it. This disease sucks.

  47. I also am on the no fun food diet so send me all the Brazil nuts from your mixed nuts and I will eat them for you. Big hugs.

  48. I… Brazil nuts? Wow. You have truly outdone yourself. Or your body has.

    I concur with the need for a bionic body. Perhaps someone else should get one first and then you can get one after the beta testers are done with them? Till the bionic bodies arrive, feel better and avoid the news.

  49. It was just discovered my sister has this Polymyalgia rheumatica. Her doctors couldn’t figure out where here blood went too so look it up and see if it matches a bunch of your symptoms. I hope you feel 100% soon 🙂

  51. Yay for salvaging the books, and I want to tell you that you rocked the “Awkward” NPR interview. I heard it twice last weekend! Also bodies suck, but your twisted sense of humor makes up for it, maybe?

  52. I been thinking ALL these same things… got out of surgery Friday to fix one hole and another hole gave out on me…
    I want the ‘Bionic Woman’ pelvis and legs.
    holds Jenny’s hand
    Damn… I gotta pee again 🙁
    I’ve been outta spoons since Saturday morning, but somehow someway I keep waking up.
    Let’s just keep chewing our elephant.
    One bite at a time.
    Don’t open our eyes.
    We can do this, one bite at a time.

  53. OMG! Supplements and vitamins are the best…and so is Apple Cider Vinegar…my cure all for everything…and on a good note you lost weight…

  54. Yeesh, lady, you have been through the wringer! However, I feel like I could now be VERY helpful in murder cases. I could just casually walk by the forensic investigators and whisper, “Check for Brazil nuts.” Now I feel like a fucking genius!

  55. I swear I don’t think I have ever laughed so hard at someone’s illnesses.
    Please let you next book be titled “Hysterically Allergic to Big Nuts…and Snakes.”

  58. Omg you just wrote the perfect murder. Murder buy Brazil nuts but who would guess it was from sex. I see a new mystery book for you. Ps I hope you feel better soon.

  62. Good lord, I’m so sorry your body is out to get you. Hang in there and stick it to Big Nuts.

  63. Imma second the CBD suggestion. I have chronic can-be-awake-for-over-50-hours-I’ve-tried-it insomnia. A lotion I’ve gotten from a local-ish small business helped me to fall asleep within 20 minutes. And I don’t feel high, just relaxed. And not so damn bitchy, menopause is not my friend. It’s legal in Texas, too. (I’m in Houston)

    It sucks big moldy boulders through a bendy straw when our bodies refuse to work right. I’m also now thinking “I like big nuts and I cannot lie” because my mind is twisted. :D. Bless you, and here’s hoping your body eases up on you! (Although, death by sex. It better be DAMN good sex, I’m tellin ya!

  64. I’m glad to see that Big Nuts hasn’t destroyed your sense of humor. Thank you for keeping the funny alive.

  65. Well, then. I am not going to complain because I definitely have it better than you do.

    It’s a good thing you’re married because if you were dating because in addition to STD screening, they’d also need to be screened for allergens.

  66. my medical issues are enough to have earned me the nickname ‘Lemon’ from my beloved. But lately, I just forward him your medical timeline, and he says, ‘ sorry Babe – I’ll upgrade you to fruit punch.’ How lucky am I? 🌞

  67. I am soooo glad to know that you’re feeling better. I found your book during a torrential downpour of depression and you made me laugh. Your honesty and humor helped me get a grip and I wish you well, all days, always. ❤️

  69. I love you jenny. I know a random person on the internet telling you they love you doesn’t mean much. But I swear your books are a constant source of laughter when I’m down (similarly afflicted by autoimmune diseases trying to kill me) but your humor and outlook on life are extremely helpful, even when I claim adamantly that I am veal, unable to move from the wheelchair or from bed. Thank you for you. And I truly hope you start to mend soon

  70. Yay for the books being recovered. LMFAO about the brazil nuts STD. Sorry about all the fucked-upedness. Hope they build you a Wonder Woman-esque cyborg body that repels bullets and bullshit and attracts Chris Pine (well, Victor might nix that option).

  72. Good grief. Your body is all kinds of nutty (Baddum ching!). I hope things sort themselves out. Also, I wonder if this is why some people have allergic reactions to their partner’s semen. I had a friend who got hives every time she and her husband had unprotected sex. It was a bit of a giveaway. So maybe it was the nuts in his nuts. Food for thought. (Okay, I’ll stop. The dad jokes are making me cringe.)

  74. That is not true. Other nuts can be passed through semen as well, not just Brazil nuts. Brazil nuts may be the only ones they’ve tested or that have been reported to science people, but I have been on food allergy message boards for almost 2 decades and people have definitely had reactions to other nuts that way. Also, the protein is passed through saliva as well. Victor should either give them up completely or, if he does eat them, brush his teeth, eat another full meal, and wait at least 4-8 hours before kissing you.

    P.S. if you hear of cyborg bodies going on the market please let me know. I’m in desperate need of one as well.

  75. Personal opinion question here: do you think the low carb/low sugar diet has done anything for your RA? I’m battling trying to get a diagnosis for that, but in the meantime have so much joint pain. I’d love to know if you feel that your diet has benefitted you at all. (Heck, I don’t want to stop eating sugar if it’s not going to help my joint pain! Sometimes I think sugar is the only thing keeping me alive.

  76. did you say bookS – as in plural???!!! i think i just had the 1st happy moment of my day!

    i think you must have a computer virus. that would explain a lot – not just your computer crash, (which then i think that means your computer virus is transmittable thru touch), but why dr’s can’t find anything wrong with you, why all systems seem to be affected…. i think you should unplug & reboot. go ahead…. we’ll wait.

  77. You can have my decently mobile & un-gnarled extremities … if we exchange brains!

  78. Fantastic that you got all of your info from your hard drive back! Yaaayyy, new book!
    But allergy from semen?!? Keep Victor from the Big Nuts! They’re just a big corporation trying to kill us all! And getting rich doing it!

    Stay well!

  79. Wow, and I thought my body hated me ’cause of all the mental crap on top of putting me in a coma for two weeks in June. But your body seems to be going into overdrive on the “let’s screw up everything for Jenny” wagon. I’m so sorry. I’m glad that it isn’t as bad as you’d feared, though, and I LOOOOOVE it when you mention a new book!!!! squee!

  80. Umm … I’m guessing if you need a blood transfusion for your missing blood that you’ll have to make sure the Red Cross screened their donors for Brazil Nuts. I don’t remember seeing that on their questionnaire….

  81. I would totally wish you get better, but happiness and health and good times don’t make for great comedy, so I’m conflicted. So here’s hoping you suffer just enough to get a good story out of it!

  82. I regret to inform the Bloggessverse and the public at large that I’ve been told by reputable medical sources that nut proteins from not only Brazil nuts, but also other tree nuts, and also peanuts, can at least theoretically be transmitted the same way. Brazil nuts were I think the cause of the first confirmed case of sexually transmitted allergic reaction to nuts, but, other allergenic tree nut proteins and peanut proteins have also, in various studies, been detected in the bloodstream for hours after people ate them, so, to be safe, KEEP ALL OF THE NUTS OUT OF YOUR NUTS IF YOUR PARTNER IS ALLERGIC, PLEASE.

    P.S. PSA: Nut protein can also persist in saliva and breastmilk for hours after consumption, and there is even a reported case of a peanut allergic person suffering allergic reaction to peanut protein after a blood transfusion from a blood donor who had eaten a large amount of peanuts before donating. (Although I’ve literally only heard of ONE single instance of that happening with a transfusion so please don’t panic about that possibility Jenny and actually maybe I should shut up now.)

  84. You don’t want a cyborg body. They’re ugly. You need and Avatar body. I’m a paraplegic and want to go to Pandora and have my own Avatar!!

  85. Love and Good JuJu to you. Thank you for all the help you’ve given me with your blog and books.

  87. I’ve been wondering what happened with your pill cam. I’ve been looking forward to a Fantastic Voyage/Innerspace meets Alien/Home Alone meets Dracula* post here. With some sort of taxidermy angle. Not because I enjoy laughing at others’ health issues, but I think many of us love being distracted from our own, which makes you a national hero, really. Thank you for your selfless service. 😉

    *Missing blood

  88. You know, it is kind of nice to know someone else’s body is attacking them too.

  90. Your body makes my body look good.
    Not, like, “i’m gonna jump your bones without a condom and risk “Big Nuts” kinda way.
    More like, “you’re fucked-upness makes my fucked-upness seem a lot less fucked up”.
    This is getting weird.
    i love you.

  91. I am very very sorry that your body is so dysfunctional. I feel like the crazy amount of health issue stuff that you go through is just unfare, I mean save some illnesses for the REST of us 🙂 Seriously though, you continue to go through so much but I know it has made you an even more compassionate/empathetic human. Thank you for helping so many people deal with their medical and mental health issues with your humor and humanity. We love you!!!!!!!

  92. Only you!! Prayers your body will stop being an asshole, so glad the book was recovered!

  93. I’m sorry things have been kind of sucky. Sending you gentle hugs as well. And thanking you that you’re able to take really shitty stuff in your life and turn into funny funny stories for us.

  94. I admire that you are able to look on the bright side. Shouldn’t there be an underlying cause for all the things that are wrong? Or is it a cascade failure, like at a nuclear power plant? One failure leads to another until the whole system crashes. I hope you feel better soon.

  95. I keep asking younger people to trade bodies with me, weird looks is all I get. I’ll invest in cyborg body technology, just point the way! Wish you’d get better (and me too).

  96. Well hopefully you feel that the good stuff is outnumbering the bad stuff. I keep getting surprise allergies to fruit so I never know when the next one will hit. For the most part, my husband isn’t a fruit eater, so I probably don’t need to worry about the whole semen thing. Think positive – right?!

  97. Stress doesn’t cause ulcers. If your doctor suggests that it does, you should stop giving her your insurance.

  100. If you haven’t tried CBD Oil, you might want to. But not harvested by Brazil Nut eaters, of course. Going back to reread parts of “Let’s Pretend…” Now fairly certain you were on CBD oil for the whole book. This explains much. Take care and stay alive. Not for you, for us!

  102. THANK GOODNESS (and the computer geniuses) that your books are there and all your other data and it is all backed up now! I just knew it would all be OK, but gosh, when my computer does that I utterly panic.

    But I hate it that you are having such a tough time with your body. Maybe it is time to sit that body down for a real long talk, and tell it that it has to shape up and fast.

    Stress actually can cause ulcers, although not directly. Stress in some people can increase stomach acid, decrease immune responses, and cause all kinds of things including ulcers and heart disease. Just keep Victor away from those nuts!! (Brazil, that is. And crazy human nuts as well, present company excepted) 🙂
    LOVE YOU, JENNY. Sending you a hug and all the best wishes for health.

  103. I recently discovered that my latex allergy is also triggered by avocados. They’re a stupid fruit anyway and eating them is like swallowing tasteless paste, so at least now I have an excuse when the Big Avocado people are all up in my face. Glad you’re feeling better and that your writing is intact.

  104. I am also going to recommend CBD oil. It has been a real lifesaver for my daughter. She has PCOS and fibromyalgia, and she was able to stop a couple of meds. Her life has been so much better.

  105. So relieved. Undkubtedly not as relieved as you, but very relieved all the same. Also,I’m now expecting a rash of books feafuring death by Brazil nut-tainted semen.

  109. Was going to bitch about the giant bruise on my leg that my dog gave me (but I still went to Urgent Care because it COULD have been Deep Vein Thrombosis, right?) but – you win, and instead, I will send good wishes and lots of love to you and hope that science pulls out all the stops and finally figures you out so you feel good. <3

  110. I’m confused about what’s trying to do what and how and why to you (pretty sure the “you” part is accurate), but then again I just skimmed because I’m really busy but still wanted to say I’m really, REALLY happy you’re not getting kicked out of your body by your body.

    Also, don’t let them back your brain up onto a hard drive for later download into a cyborg body. Yet.

  111. Glad to hear the victories with the computer and hard drive back up. I understand where you’re coming from though, it’s hard to take joy I. The small victories when your body seems to want to kill you. Hang in there. Oh, and thanks for the advice on Brazil nuts. I’m allergic to all tree nuts and didn’t know that fun little factoid

  112. Bodies suck. ::hugs:: I want a cyborg body too…so I can finally look less like me and more like circa 1990s Cindy Crawford.

  113. You’re in my thoughts – being sick is miserable and sometimes scary. Hope they find a way to break this circle of problems chasing other problems and start picking them off.

  114. When I get sick The Viking tries to ‘out-sick’ me. His cold is worse than my cold kind of thing. I can’t even have Menopausal Hot Flashes to myself anymore because he’s starting having them, too! So how do you keep Victor from getting Tuberculosis? And a case of Tuberculosis worse than YOUR Tuberculosis? I’m assuming this is a guy thing because I’ve never felt the need to have knee pain that’s worse than The Viking’s. It would be great if you could give me a few hints at keeping your diseases to yourself so you can play the sympathy card sometimes. When you have time. You don’t have to do it right away because I understand that you are dying but maybe you could have a tape recorder or something in the brief moments of normalcy you sometimes have.

    PS: I hope you aren’t dying for real because I don’t think the world would be the same without you. I’m sending you good thought. :o)

  115. I’m glad your books and data was saved. I don’t know how you manage to survive each new thing. I’m definitely with you on the cyborg bodies though. Gentle hugs and much love and healing energy to you.

  116. Welllll…I’ve broken up with drinking for a while – a hard break, and it’s.killing.me. BUT…..I haven’t felt so good in a while, which is a total contradiction. I started to get very hypochondriac, like I have liver chirrosis (curse you Google) so I decided living past my early 40’s was more important than all the many new flavors Mike’s and Twisted Teas have been coming out with lately. Now I’m smoke free, the other smoke free ;-), and drink free (for now). It sucks, but our bodies are the only thing we have to live in so they’re really quite important. Please take care of yourself. ♥

  117. Well shit. Wishing you nut-free Victors (wait, that didn’t come out right — that’s what she said) and baby sloths in coffee mugs.

  119. I’m hoping Jenny that if you eat brazil nuts and have sex with someone with an allergy that you won’t create a problem because if it’s in the semen then you won’t be passing on anything…
    Gee, I hope I didn’t put my foot in it…

    I hope you start feeling better soon and that the TB is cured so the RA can be cured and that you find a diet free of allergens that is still tasty.

  120. In my early 20s, I tested positive for tuberculosis right before I came down with trench mouth. It was weird to go from nondescript college student to French prostitute during World War I, but I eventually bounced back.

  121. Shit like this is why I wish Dungeons & Dragons classes existed in real life, because then we could just be paladins and gain immunity to disease and our bodies would finally have to find something better to do with their time than methodically destroy themselves in new and interesting ways.

  125. Your mention of cyborg bodies and your last post about books has me thinking of Bad Unicorn. When they start mass marketing robotic body replacements we should all sign up for the Princess the Destroyer unicorn model. Then we would all be part of the Unicorn Success Club. 🙂

  126. I’m so sorry at this new mountain you are apparently just expected to vault over. FFS. Maybe becoming part goat would save you?

    OK the Brazil nut ad campaign needs to become a real thing and pronto. Zazzle that ish today. Aren’t you impressed at how rapidy you thought of a genius campaign and right-sized, perfect slogans? I AM.

    But on a real note, people with Brazil nut allergies need to know about this freaky stealth allergen transmission. Why isn’t this publicized through the World Health Organization (WHO) and the American Medical Organization (AMA)?
    Get loud on your social media channels, Bloggess followers!

    Jenny, can you get the citation source from your Doc?

  127. I thought you were just laying low because you were working so hard writing a new book for us. I should have known you had more going on, because you always do. I hope you and your body can make some sort of peace agreement. You deserve that. Sending soft hugs your way.

  128. We could try those S.H.I.E.LD. brain/memory upload clones. Or clones The
    Doctor found. Wait… Shit. This is what happens when you live in bed and tv becomes reality. SCI-FI LOVING SCIENTISTS GET MOVING FASTER ON THIS STUFF!!!

  129. I’m in line for a cyborg body too. I won’t even tell you the gross things my body does. If you find a secret cyborg body factory, let me know! I’ll put on a mask and raid it with you if you like. I’m good like that.

  130. brazil nuts are also mildly radioactive too!! and yeah im on methotrexate and a tb in active latent converter so i had to do the tb meds but couldnt take the methotrexaTE cause it increased tb risk while doing the tb meds til i was done with tb meds and luckily my liver function didnt bottom out sorry your situation is more complicated HUGS!!!!!

  131. I knew about the Brazil nut thing, because my ex had a nut allergy. I always thought it could potentially be the perfect crime–death by sexualy transmitted Brazil nuts, I mean, how could they possibly convict you?

  132. Wishing I could make things better for you. I’m glad for the small miracles of recovered hard drives and useful diagnostic information. Hooray for vitamins and supplements. Really glad for your wonderful sense of humor. Honestly, I would buy all kinds of merch aimed at crushing Big Nuts. I’m no help with the cyborg part but I’ll have my geeky kid can get on that right after he builds me a wifi booster. Sending gentle hugs.

  133. You have an amazing spirit and I applaud this. I am allergic to everything, including fish, most drugs, leaves, weeds, dust, dirt, cats, pine, cedar, insect bites, some dyes, some wool, cotton, soaps, lotions etc and I am 75 years old in Feb. I have severe osteoarthritis that I can take nothing but baby aspirins and water therapy to manage. My knees are “bone on bone” and I am cripple off and on depending on the weather. I take an allergy pill and a stomach acid manager and other than this the doctors say I am in perfect health. Hang in there, I survived teaching 45 years and being married 47 years. I am a writer too and I pray a lot. My body evidently kills everything that messes with me, is how I look at it. I thank God for my over protective body. I am an over protective mother of my two sons, 44 & 51 and my 11 year old & 2 year old grandsons. I run away to Florida when it gets cold, so life is good. Whenever you feel bad remember there is old woman somewhere running around feeling horrible too. God bless ya, Lizzy

  134. Life is so unfair! The best people seem to have the worst problems! First Stephen Hawking and now you! And YES, you are just as wonderful and necessary to us as he is! Honestly, why can’t we fix it so the nasty people get all the problems and the wonderful people are healthy?!?

  135. Sending you giant buckets of love and healing wishes. Fuck RA, fuck Brazil nuts, fuck TB, and fuck all the fucknuts who haven’t come up with a way to fix RA. Love you. Don’t let the nuts get you down. xoxo

  136. Cyborg bodies sounds like a great idea. I wouldn’t have to deal with all of my auto immune problems (my body almost did kill my body). Hang in there, I know it’s a struggle but you make it sound funny when you write about it.

  137. Not to freak you out, but I was just talking about your missing blood last night. For reals. Convo with a friend about a parent’s mysterious blood loss. I clued him in about the vampires. So, TY. And thanks for the update! (He asked about your outcome, and I was like: https://media.tenor.com/images/ae5af3071772a0ebdf8b4b5dd143e173/tenor.gif )

    Poor Bloggess. Sending you another dose of love and light. So many people love you, and we are all rooting for you. May you find answers, and may your poor, tired body find relief.

    As someone with a suspected but as yet undiagnosed autoimmune disorder, I agree that a better body is in order. However, I’m not ready to be a Cyberman or Dalek. I would consider being a spaceship, ala The Ship Who Sang or The Doctor’s Wife. Yes. I will be a spaceship. Interested in joining the fleet?

  139. You are sunshine on a rainy day and I just can’t stop loving you. Our bodies betray all of us in the end. We can all whistle in the dark while you make us laugh at all the scary stuff. We are not alone…we got you babe. Thanks!

  140. Sympathies! This sounds miserable, and I’m glad Victor is supportive.

    I’m pretty sure replacement bodies require someone giving up their body first, and I believe encouraging that is frowned up. Especially if your encourage with vehemence.

    Personally, I’m hoping for cyborg bits. I already can’t go through the metal detector at the airport, so I have nothing holding me back!

  145. You just took my poor me and kicked my ass! If you can keep going so can I.
    I want to be YOU when I grow up.
    Now where’s the line for the cyborg bodies?

  146. I’m fairly new here but love your work. Your health stinks but I admire your attitude. Keep on keepin’ on!

  147. I am with you on squashing Big Nuts. I too am allergic to nuts. My allergist however titered me and said I am not. So I took nuts from my annual cookie baking at Xmas and rubbed them on my arm and within minutes showed him the rash I get. He suggested I not eat them and gave me an epi-pen. Doctors sometimes think we don’t know our bodies but we do. Hang in there and hugs. You keep me laughing. Which helps a lot.

  149. Feel better Jenny:) I’m right there with you! IF it makes you feel any better – sharted through my pants today! WOO HOO!

  150. I am sending you as much healing energy as I can. Today was my RA infusion day (and of course, blood draw day). I’m just waiting for someone to say I’m anemic, because they take so damned much to make sure my liver isn’t self destruction, and my only kidney will still work (it does, and double time it seems. I have to pee more often than any of my three best friends combined). You are a National Treasure, and you are on my healing energy list, so watch out, Jenny’s treacherous body. You are on notice to stop fucking with her, or else!!!

  151. Jenny,
    Do you even partially realize how blessed/lucky you are to have health insurance? To have enough money for copay? To have a supportive husband? I’ve thought from reading your books & blog that we are likeminded! So many of your true blue fans have similar health problems but cannot afford meds, copays, an hour off work to get medical attention, or even a Rxs. YOU- Jenny are in a position to advocate for us on a higher level. I am glad you have the resources that you do have- just keep in mind that sometimes it sucks being middle class, mental issues, no Victor, no real talent (just have to work to pay bills).
    Jenny! Please! We made you famous- please use your now station in life to make a stand for us…. please

  152. Oh, honey, I hope the cyborg replacements show up soon. We are all rooting for you so hard.

  158. DON’T DO IT!!!!! DON’T GET A CYBORG BODY!!!!

    (I was totally heebie-jeebied by Bill’s cyborg body!

  159. We definitely need a kitten at the end of that. I’m sorry you’re going through all that — and glad your family has your back.

  161. I totally get the RA. I was on MTX and it destroyed my liver and seriously if I’m going to have cirrhosis I want to have it because I drink to much not this crap. It’s not easy being a Warrior Princess but you got this craps number. Cyborg body would be pretty awesome though. I would like mine to have an Ironman like quality…aka I want to be able to fly too, lol. Feel better soon!

  163. Sounds like there will be little resistance on your end when the Borg finally come to claim us all. They will be like “resistance is futile” and you’ll say “ABOUT TIME YOU GOT HERE, HOOK ME UP”

  164. The funny thing is that I recently started to eat one brazil nut a day because I’ve read (in a semi-reliable magazine) that they might prevent cancerous cells from growing. I guess I’ll ask future sex partners if they’re allergic to nuts from now on lol

  165. Ever tried cryotherapy? My daughter gave me a certificate for a session for my birthday. I mistakenly read it as cryogenics and, it being a significant, one-foot-in-the-grave event, I considered it to be a very thoughtful, albeit morbid gift. Yesterday I redeemed the certificate, enduring a full three minutes of -135 degree liquid nitrogen vapor wearing nothing but socks and shoes, fluffy mittens, and my underwear. Before I had time to seriously contemplate a hobby of streaking in Antarctica, the session was over. I couldn’t help but wonder what the big deal this procedure was supposed to be – and then I stepped out of the chamber to heaven! I suffer from a market basket of ailments, too, not the least of which are RA and osteoarthritis. Cryotherapy reduces inflammation significantly, and yesterday I was the poster child for that claim. No wonder athletes from Philadelphia teams used to drive to northern DE for treatments before it became available near the city! Unfortunately, I am located much farther south in the state, so I’ll have to make the trip during flairs only. Seek it out, check it out, and give it a try. You may find it soothing. No macadamias involved!

  166. Ah, Jenny… As I read this, I was happy to see that, through it all, you managed to find the positive aspects of what’s going on. Hang in there…

  167. Oh god, Jen. I wish I was Maile or someone who saw you once in a while. I would come visit and you could laugh at me. Also? I seriously just bought those “fuck this shit” socks.

  168. Jenny, my body is trying to kill me too. I found a mole while trimming the Lady Garden that my Dr. removed and it came back being as close to cancer as you can get without being cancer. I have to see a Gynaecologist to have a bigger incision removed plus my other “intimate” areas may be in trouble too. I already live with a number of health issues so I COMPLETELY understand what you’re going through.

    Sending you love and healing thoughts. I hope you finally get the breakthrough you need for your body to finally stop rebelling against you.

  169. Wait, weren’t you PRESCRIBED Brazil nuts for a vitamin deficiency? Big Nut is always watching, man. Hope you’re well soon. ❤️❤️

  170. Just wanted to say that I’m sorry you’re going through these horrible health problems. I hope they can figure out a less damaging treatment regime for you. Also, not sure where you’ve gone for treatment but it might be time to consider somewhere else/better, like the Mayo clinic. Peace to you.s

  171. Wow Jenny, you have been through way to much. Way to fucking much. I’m so sorry to hear all this. I hope they get it all figured out soon. <3 Kudos to you for being able to have some humor about it all though. I’m really glad that you still have some good luck left and have your data on your computer back. That’s good. I’m not the best with words as you are, but know that I am thinking of you and wishing you the best of luck and all the mean, evil spirits of the universe to back the fuck off! All my love and hugs! <3 You got this! You will make it though it.

  172. You have a sexually transmitted allergy?

    Wow i thought my husband was unlucky. He went in for a colonsopy and came out with a UTI

  173. I am SO glad to hear that what you were REALLY worried about is not truly happening to you. Which is alarming because the only alternative was maybe walking bubonic plague, maybe??
    On a happy note: Losing 25 pounds is an incredible feat! Maybe you could post about your low sugar low carb diet? I, for one, would be VERY interested in that! Best of luck, Jenny!!

  174. It brings comfort knowing other people have the same problem with their meds and them causing issues. I don’t mean to find joy in your suffering. I was on an antidepressant that was causing a film to develop in my eyes which led me to need trifocals. I’m 29. After changing meds I was able to go back to bifocals and my sight has improved. I still do three month checks to be sure my vasculitis meds are fucking up my white blood cell count though… where do I sign up for a cyborg body? (sorry for my pity party on your blog)

  175. I think you are a good argument for letting people just take opiates to feel better instead of a 100 drugs to “fix” whatever is wrong with them and thereby making that person feel even MORE sick. I know, I know, that would sadly be “bad medicine!”

  176. Oh the joys of Humira & inflammatory disease.
    In the 7 years I was on a biologic I developed “intolerances” to so many foods, meds, & little joys in life.

    Keep fighting the good fight, we’re all behind you!

  178. I just found your blog after reading your first two books. I can’t believe I’ve been missing out for so long! Loved the books! So relatable. I’ve been surrounded by crazy my whole life and was overjoyed to read something so real that might give people unfamiliar with mental illness a glimpse of it in a non-intimidating and hilarious way! I also mixed connective tissue disease, an auto-immune disease with symptoms of several other AI diseases. Mine is most like RA. My body isn’t trying to kill me, just make me miserable! Anyway, I’m thrilled to have found you and am recommending your books to everyone I know! You are affecting so many people in such a positive way. Thanks! Karen

  179. That’s wonderful about your weight loss but I’m so sorry, I have chronic mental health issue so I somewhat can relate. What was Diet you were on?

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