Our people

in Random Crap

My mom last year when her DNA test came back: “This says I’m mostly Irish?  I don’t know anything about being Irish.”

me today:  “I’ve found your people.”

Slightly related:

This ad was under the video on youtube and I was like, “OH MY GOD, what is wrong with that penis?” and Victor was like, “Nothing.  Because that’s…not a penis” and I was very relieved both for the person whose penis it’s not and also for the people who don’t have to fix eye bags by wiping an infected penis across their face.

131 thoughts on “Our people”

Read comments below or add one.

  2. Great minds think alike, and fools seldom differ? I totally saw an infected penis. Are we related?

  4. Yes, penis.

    I mean, NO to that penis. No thank you. But yes, it sure looks like a penis to me. (fumbles for glasses) er… um… well, maybe not.

  8. My sister bought me an Ancestry DNA test for Christmas. When I was 23 my dad told me there was no way I was his daughter. My boyfriend also told me that I wasn’t my father’s daughter nor my mother’s child and he showed me a picture of my “real” family. My DNA test came back and proved my mom was my mom and my dad was my dad. My DNA test said I was Native American, African, European, Asian, and Pacific Islander. Best Christmas gift ever!

    I once found a bat in my bedroom in Milwaukee Wisconsin.

    (Dude. I totally want to hear how your boyfriend found you a “real” family that wasn’t yours. That is so bizarre. ~ Jenny)

  9. OMG, I think this every single time!!!!!!!!! We laugh about it at work all the time! Glad it’s not just my sick twisted mind lol!!!

  17. Every time my dad hears my blood type he claims he can’t possibly be my father – because he can’t remember my mom’s blood type, and because he knows nothing about science. I am totally my fathers daughter. But anyway, this made me think of that. 😊

  23. Every. Damn. Time I see that thing I think it’s some kind of horrible penis for a split second. And don’t think they don’t intend it that way.

  24. ONLY the Irish would try to catch a flying bat with a bath towel, right? Or maybe just that guy. Ugh, ok, I’m going to do something here… I hope it’s not resoundingly hated by you all (not to mention The Blogess, jeez louise) or considered bad taste …but here is my blog. I just recently started and it might not actually be a blog, it could be just a website… I’m not sure what it is. I definitely admit to being inspired by the Blogess, but am surely not copying her (I think). Is this how you insert a link?http://scribblemescribbleyou.com/index.php/2017/09/10/i-wash-socks-and-drop-toothpaste-at-4-a-m-and-think-of-hurricane-irma/

  28. Since tomorrow I’m taking my cat to find out if he has cancer, I totally needed to see a finger that looks like an infected penis today. So thank you. Also, I just had white meatball sauce in my hair and a co worker stood in front of me, looking right at me, and didn’t say a word. Maybe she saw this and thought I had been around that infected “penis.” So perhaps this was meant for me today on multiple levels…….

  29. hahahahahahaha! That video! I love how he tells Marie she’s not helping standing behind the door — and then he takes cover behind his own door! And the postscripts. hahahahaha!

    Also, totally a weird penis.

    And, also, whoever orchestrated that photo fully intended for the first-glance read to be “penis.” (nine gazillion wrinkle cream ads have demonstrated the proper staging: side view of index finger with a perfect triangle-shaped swirl of the lotion on the pad of the finger — it’s not rocket science — so, yeah, they totally meant for it to look like a penis)

  30. My daughter asked if she could see some old photos of me to see if we looked alike at the same age. Nope. Not even close, but we have the same hair. My two kids don’t look like each other or like their dad.

  33. Here, (patting the seat next to me,)
    there’s room for all of us in this handbasket.

  34. When I first moved to Connecticut, people kept saying they knew me from somewhere else…apparently I have a doppelganger. I’m hoping I run into her someday and she turns out to be a long-lost cousin descended from one of my black-sheep great-grandfathers.
    The reason for WHY they’re black sheep died with the elderly great-aunts who were embarassed by something. So I’m going to do the DNA some time in hope of finding more cousins. Because that means bigger summer picnics.

  35. I totally want ‘Bat Dad’ to adopt me. Additionally, I have never been more thankful that I am gay, than the moment I saw the above penis/not a penis. big fucking sigh of relief

  36. That “penis” in the advertisement is not the first time I’ve seen something horrifying in one of those ads. Seeing people with melting faces that weren’t actually melting was one of the more tame ones. I’ll save my inappropriate remarks for a later date. Anyway, sometimes I believe those advertisements are horrifying, terribly revealing versions of a rorschach that get us to see our darkest something something.

    Anyway, I want to be a Bat-Dad, too. My son already claims: “I. Am. Robot.” And no way a human father is going to compete with an android 2.5-year-old boy.

  38. You are not alone in your interpretation of that ad. And I say, um, no.

    I have not done an ancestry thing because I am fairly certain that it will come back inconclusive and that I am not of this earth. I’m not ready to let that particular cat out of the bag. Oh, crap. I guess I just did. They’re calling me back home.

  42. My husband has a shirt with the “Batdad” symbol on it–a dad’s head in the middle of an outline of a bat. Really. It’s a thing.

  43. I guess I’m in the minority because watching that video didn’t make me laugh, it only made me frustrated. Somebody open a MF DOOR!! And turn off all lights except in the direction you want the bat to go. Honestly, do they not have any brains? (Then again, I might be slightly biased because in my work as a vet tech, I’ve actually done this and know how to shepherd a bat. Or any flying thing, really.)

  45. Thanks for the video. It made me think of a colleague years ago who had us in stitches retelling her husband’s bat-adventure . He chased their invading bat with a broom, a dustbin lid and a colander on his head! Not quite how you would imagine your knight in shining armour to be dressed.

  46. I’m SO glad I was able to brighten your day by sending you the video!! And even more happy that so many other people’s days were brightened because you passed it on. I swear to god, I’m STILL crying laughing over this video and it’s been days. These are TOTALLY my people!!!

    In other news, I got as far as you mentioning “this ad was under the video on YouTube” before I instinctively scanned over to it … my thoughts as I’m scanning … “Ok … ad below … Dr. Oz … eye bags … weird penis …”

    Then I jumped back up, read the rest of what you and everyone else wrote and cracked up.
    MY TRIBE!!
    I seriously love you people.

  47. I see that ad ALL THE TIME and I’m always convinced it’s a penis EVERY TIME. I’m thinking they did it on purpose so people will have to look twice and then click on their stupid Dr. Oz infected penis juice cream… BLECH!

  49. Anyone else think that the narrator in the bat video sounds like Robin Williams playing a leprechaun?
    Just me?
    OK then, carry on.
    (PS It totally looks like a penis and from what I’ve learned about marketing, I would bet money that it was 100% intentional.)

  50. Ohmygosh…that ad has been popping up on YT with alarming regularity for me for months, and every time I see it, I’m like MAKE IT GO AWAY THAT IS SO HORRIBLY DISGUSTING WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME LOOK AT THAT??? I have no idea how that ad is supposed to encourage anyone to click on it. 😛

  52. Oh laughing so hard I’m crying because I’ve thought the same thing every time I see that ad…..

  55. I thought it was a penis too, and then I was wondering why Dr. Oz was wiping an infected penis across his face????? And then I was wondering what an infected penis had to do with catching bats, and THEN I was wondering why the words “fuck it” sound so much better with an Irish accent, and then I started practising saying “fuck it” in an Irish accent and then my Hubby wanted to know why I kept saying “fuck it” and I tried to explain about the infected penis and Dr. Oz and the bat flying around and then he said “fuck it” in a non-Irish accent and walked away and that’s how that ended.

  56. WTF. It’s been a while since I’ve giggled that hard at a video. I kept waiting on him to say something about his Lucky Charms. Is that bad? In my defense, I’m 13% Irish.

  57. Yup. Penis.
    I laughed until my sides hurt at that Bat Dad video. Best damn thing, ever!

  59. I have seen that ad of a penis constantly on my YouTube app. I tried deleting it, and reporting it, but that just made it worse!! When the ad interrupts my dreams, I’ll have to think of a different approach to the infected penis!

  60. I used to be in advertising in a small way. I think they intended it to look that way — sex sells they used to say, and I don’t see any reason that would have changed. Only it used to have to be more subtle — subliminal. In short, you are weird, but not that weird. I expect you saw exactly what they planned!

  61. I love those Irish guys dancing around for the bat! I literally was crying while watching it last week…especially when he says the McGregor line!
    And yes, that is one sick looking penis! I now know what it is and it still looks like a penis to me. Maybe this should be the test to sign up for the blog, like those stupid letter things but instead “What do you see here?” security question. LOVE IT!

  62. That video transformed a very grey day thanks so much! On a very random note – my niece helped me sort some paperwork today – my brain is malfunctioning and all my heaps of shit are freaking me out. In one heap we found a piece of paper which just said ‘Epic Cromulent Manicorn’ . UH? She googled it on her phone – no luck. I had absolutely NO idea what it meant and felt even more dysfunctional.
    But I just found it. When I am feeling blue I read your old posts back to back. This is my name!! It came from your post of Nov. 27th 2013.. Brilliant.

  64. I do feel sorry for the bat. It was really scared, poor thing, as was the dog. I had a bat swoop down on me during a string quartet performance and the wind from its wing flapping flipped a couple of pages of my music. I heard the audience laugh and freaked out, thinking I had blown my part, then I couldn’t find my place in the music and had to rely on my memory. Not a pretty sight.

    As far as Dr. Oz and his infected penis-finger go, I’d say that’s par for the course. 🙁

  66. Oh man, I could not stop giggling at the son’s “cheer-leading” of his dad to catch that bat! And then when the dog pissed on the floor, I nearly lost it. Thank you for sharing.

  68. OK, thanks for bring the Irish Bat video back around. I’ll share this one — Jimmy Kimmel interviewed the family after showing the video.

    Enjoy!!

  71. Well, 566,000 people were checkin’ out that penis. Maybe because it’s an Irish penis? Inquiring minds may want to know, but I assure you, I don’t.

  74. My mother had an old Bohemian-American cookbook that had household hints at the back that weirdly I seem to remember included one for how to get a bat out of a house. I think it involved turning off all the lights except for one outside.

    My grandmother, sometime in the 1920’s, went back to college for a summer to renew a teaching certificate and because she was in her 30’s she became adopted mother to the much younger co-eds in the dorm. So when a bat got in on the third floor and was flying around they came to her to deal with it. She knocked it down with a slap of a broom and hit it again for good measure. And then they had a funeral for a bat, complete with mourners and a mock preacher and a cross that read “Here lies A dam Bat.” My mom had a photo of it someplace and had to explain all this to me when i found the picture because she had been there with her mom when her mom went back to college for the summer.

  76. Oh dear Lord, I also saw a penis in distress! However, I can’t watch the bat video, in spite of our shared heritage (99% Irish!) because I have incredibly curly hair and a poor relationship with birds, who like to land in it and inevitably get their feet tangled and then they panic, and bats are birds x freaky, so just NOPE.

  77. Yes, yes that completely looks like a penis and anyone who says otherwise is totally lying. The bat video is hilarious, although compared to me they are pretty darn brave.

  78. I spent a few days with an Irish family, and this video is a good sample of their problem solving too. As for the penis finger – it doesn’t help that there are very similar ads (I.e. fingers with some weird substance on) that say ‘try this tonight and you’ll never need viagra again’.

  79. Why did the one guy keep telling the older one to “Citch it!” over and over? Was the old guy hard of hearing? Did he think the old guy might forget what he was suppose to do and sit down and eat supper instead? Or maybe the old guy might wrap himself in that afgan and take a nap. I don’t get it. The bat was probably thinking: If someone would just get the door for me, I’d be on my way! But, NO, they want the old guy to ‘citch’ the bat. And every time he thinks he has the bat, he appears to open the afgan/quilt to make sure , thereby possibly letting it go, necessitating a recatch. He could just see if it’s still flying around….

  80. These are my people too ❤ “Maureen yer useless behind the door!” “The dog’s pissin!” God love the Irish; we’re fookin bananas 😃 The Czech side not so much…

  81. Did you ever see The Sweetest Thing? There’s a “penis song” in it, and one of the lines is, “It’s oozy and it’s green.” It’s around the 2:07 mark. That immediately what I thought of when I saw
    the not-penis pic you posted. https://video.search.yahoo.com/search/video;_ylt=AwrC5paZTrhZDlYAiYL7w8QF;_ylu=X3oDMTBncGdyMzQ0BHNlYwNzZWFyY2gEdnRpZAM-;_ylc=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–?gprid=4p1b2YXhQoyVEfhUgiKEXA&pvid=jgzIojEwLjGUeu4sV0.u_gVQMjYwMgAAAACNT4XM&p=sweetest+thing+penis+song&ei=UTF-8&fr2=p%3As%2Cv%3Av%2Cm%3Asa&fr=mcafee#id=1&vid=7bd33ccb00e45461b4cc7279c5f9fb6f&action=view

  84. LMAO. Thank you I needed that laugh. My co-workers think I’m crazy and my maniacal laughing (just now) confirmed it. Thank you.

  88. Had a bat in my classroom last year and about laughed my ass off watching my principal and our custodian “come to my rescue.” I believe the bat won.
    Just got my DNA report back from “23andMe” and found out I am 99.8% Northern European and 0.2% Sub-Saharan African. My classroom “Grandma Volunteer” (who is black) found out this information and said, “Oh, that’s why we get along so well…we’re related!” Needless to say, I love this woman!

  90. I saw this on Facebook yesterday and, laughed til I cried! Oh, and my son and I also saw a penis.

  91. Oh Jenny, you should watch Father Ted, it’s just like the bat video but with priests. They are so your people. Mine too. Really, I URGE you to watch if you haven’t. You will thank me forever.

  92. When you said the word ‘snoot’ I thought of Dr Seuss/
    But when googled it just showed a sneetch on the loose/
    But a sneetch on its own is a sneetch not a snoot/
    So one sneetch, although snooty, is not what I thought/
    But although the word snoot was nowhere to be found/
    I began to imagine a collective noun/
    There’s a clutter of spiders or bevy of larks/
    An ambush of tigers or shiver of sharks/
    A kindle of kittens, a covert of coots……
    Can we call a collection of Sneetches a Snoot?

  94. The dog’s pissing! I love it – OMG. I also love that Derry (dad?) seems to be the oldest person in the scene and he is deemed most capable of catching the bat.

  95. Hey Jenny – you said you suck at checking your e-mails and I guess that’s true cuz I emailed you last night and you just. Didn’t. Care. 😩 Check your emails please cuz I just need to know why….something. Thanks you funny little woman! You often make me cry till I pee. In bed. At night. Reading my kindle.

  97. When I saw this video for the first time I wasn’t sure what to laugh at more… the ridiculous attempts (can you really call them that???) to catch the bat by the guy who wasn’t even lifting the tiny towel above his head… or the guy who apparently thought that the first guy was going to forget what he was doing and needed to be reminded every 20 seconds to “catch it”. I mean… the guy clearly tells “mum” that she’s not helping hiding behind the door… yet doesn’t realize that repeatedly yelling “catch it” is even less helpful??? If that were me I’d have turned around and said “Really?! Is that what I’m supposed to do here? Why don’t you do something more helpful than yelling “catch it” at me?!”

    Also… Yeah I saw a gross penis too…

  98. Nothing could make me happier than that woo peddling charlatan Oz wiping an infected penis across his eye bags.

  99. I woke up this morning and thought “I already hate this day…let’s see what Jenny has to make it better.”
    And you, my friend, did NOT disappoint!!!

  102. I have to ask … if you could get rid of the bags under your eyes by wiping a penis across them, would you do it? Not even an infected one, just a regular old penis.

    What if they remove wrinkles and we don’t even know?!

  103. My husband and I did the 23 and me test this summer. I expected mine to come back with “yes, you’re German-French, so what’s the big deal?”.

    So my husband’s came back as 100% European, with all those colors smack dab in the middle of the European continent. Mine..well somewhere in the distant past of the 1700s, there a full bloodied West African and someone from the Mongolian tribes. And I’m 25% English/Irish. My daughter’s reaction was “Dad’s a basic white guy, but damn, your side is way more interesting”.

    So I wouldn’t be surprised if I had some “bat chasers” in my family as well. Along with enough skeleton’s in the closet to make a great Halloween display.

  105. Reminds me of my husband, hiding under a blanket directing my teenage son how to catch the bat, which by the way he claimed was as big as an eagle! Too funny! Yes, I too thought it was an infected Penis until I put my reading glasses on! Deceptive advertising! Lol

  106. Emily at comment # 49 – I heard Robin Williams too… At first Mrs. Doubtfire and then the character from The Birdcage (pretty much any time he said “Oh fuck!” it was Birdcage.)

  107. I just wish they’d included a shot of Dr. Oz sticking a gangrenous penis into his own eye.

  112. Quite clearly it’s meant to look like a penis if you don’t look too closely. I think that advertiser knew exactly what they were doing. It’s visual click bait. And it’s working! Look, we’re all talking about the deformed peen! 😀

  116. Just want to thank you for the comic relief. Was much needed during this Hurricane Irma evacuation and waiting game. Laughing does me well. Thank you

  117. Had a bat in my basement once. Used the lid from a plastic bin to “bat” it into the empty bin. The bat was fine; I tipped it outside and it was gone when I later checked. I imagine none of his family believed his story…Oh, and Maureen was watchin’ through the door the whole time and not a bit of help she was…

  118. My maiden name is Batson, and my dad’s nickname in the army was Batman, so I totally related. These are our people for sure, although in real life I’m Swedish/Irish/South Korean.

  119. Bat Dad is marvellously funny. 25 years ago I had to brave the savage bat (broom in hand) whilst my big, strong husband covered his head and hid, shouting encouragement every now and then. Thanks for the laugh

  124. Every time. Every. Time. I see this I ask, WTF does Dr. Oz have to do with this penis. Is it his penis?

  125. I kind of want to punch the guy who keeps yelling “Ketch him, Deddy!” in the throat. First off, it doesn’t want to be in your house and wants to fly free, just open the windows and door and it will fly out. Secondly, you have two hands, put the phone down, get on the damned chair and catch him yourself. Leave your poor father out of it.

  129. Speaking of penis songs. One day I was driving my then 4-year old granddaughter home. Suddenly I hear, “penis, penis, penis, penis, penis. Penis butter and jelly sandwiches!” After being asked, “Nana, what’s so funny?” I calmly explained it was pronounced “peanuts.”

  130. OMG…thank goodness i am not the only one who sees a penis everytime I see those stupid ads!!

  131. I’m laughing so hard about the penis/finger that I can hardly type actual words! My nine-year-old keeps asking me what is so funny, and I have to keep telling him that I can’t tell him. Oh, my!

Leave a Reply

MY BOOKS:


shop

Subscribe to the bloggess, y'all.

Enter your email address and receive notifications of new posts by email. It\'s like I\'m stalking you, but more efficient.

Archives

ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:

I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:

Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

Beautiful Writers book: Writers! This coming-of-career memoir (w/ the BEST advice from celeb authors, real shit you haven’t heard) is life. A page-turning beach read doubling as how-to. #Magic

The Dating Days of Marta O: When I told my sister I was building a blog she said: “Do people still read blogs?” I do not know, but if YOU want to read it, here it is. Keep in mind, my stories about dating after 40 are for the brave.

Where Do I Belong? A memoir of Sarah Carrington: The unbelievable story of growing up in a religious cult in the mountains of Northern British Columbia. What happens to you in life doesn’t make you strong; rising above it does.

CONNECTED: A Personal Journal for Ketamine Therapy Created by writer & patient Katherine Davis for this powerful clinical treatment. If considering ketamine for major depression, check out this essential tool.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: SO GOOD.

Discover more from The Bloggess

Subscribe now to keep reading and get access to the full archive.

Continue reading