Happy Birthday, Dorothy Barker!

in Random Crap

Today is Dorothy Barker’s birthday and she is three.  That means in dog years  she is 21 today and is now technically able to drink.  And that makes me jealous because I’m still not allowed to drink because of tuberculosis so now my dog has more freedoms than I do.  And then Victor was like, “First of all, how did you even manage to make this all about you?” and then he told me I wasn’t allowed to give Dorothy Barker a celebration drink and I was like, “I’m not giving the dog booze, Victor.  She can’t day drink alone.  That’s how alcoholism starts.”  And Victor didn’t agree with my reasoning but the end result was the same so he gave up and instead I just gave her a surprise party, which consisted of me yelling “SURPRISE, BITCH!  IT’S YOUR BIRTHDAY!” and Dorothy Barker was like:

“OH MY GOD, YOU REMEMBERED?!” ~ Dorothy Barker

Just kidding.  Actually she looked a little confused because she doesn’t speak English, but I think she genuinely appreciated my excitement and/or the bull penis in my hand.

Happy birthday, Dorothy Barker.

PS.  This is Dorothy Parker back when I thought her name was “Knives.”  It was a phase we both grew out of.

PPS.  The bull penis wasn’t for me.  It’s for my dog.  It’s weird that I need to clarify that.  I realize pet stores call them “bully sticks” or “pizzle sticks” but they’re totally dried bull penises and I believe in calling a rose a rose and you need to know that your dog is chewing on bull penises.  After they’ve been chopped up and turned into jerky, I mean.  Not, like in the wild.  That would be crazy and probably very dangerous for both dogs and bulls.  This has been your unrequested educational announcement of the day.

101 thoughts on “Happy Birthday, Dorothy Barker!”

Read comments below or add one.

  2. *Pizzle, not puzzle. Wouldn’t want you to be embarrassed using the wrong word to talk about bull penises (penii?) in polite company.

    (Fucking autocorrect. ~ Jenny)

  7. I never knew that about bully sticks! Is that why my local pet store has a sign next to them that says “Bully sticks are fragile and easily broken. Do not play with them.”?

  10. Happy Birthday, Dorothy Barker! Enjoy your first barkarita! Pro tip: order it frozen, not over ice, that way you’re rehydrating while you drink and will lessen the hangover. That’s how science works, I’m sure. Also, don’t drink the worm. Eat the bull penis instead.

  11. Happy Birthday, bitch!!!!!

    Strangely, bull penis jerky isn’t even close to the craziest sh!t I’ve seen on the interwebs today.

  12. I did NOT know that it was made out of bull penis. I’m not sure I NEEDED to know that, but now I do, so thank you! I think. O.o
    Happy birthday, Dorothy Barker!

  14. I think I am also entranced by the Deer (Elk?) head on the shelf above Miss Dorothy, along with the random hoof. Your house is SO FUN!! 🙂

  15. Happy Birthday Dorothy…and why Knives…but then sorry forgot who I’m talking to…I guess Knives makes perfect sense to you….

  16. That picture of Dorothy Barker made me laugh way harder than it had any right to. I love it.

  17. That was definitely a more you know type situation also Happy Birthday Dorothy Barker!

  20. What happens if you soak the dried
    bull penis in a large container of water? Inquiring minds want to know!

  21. Happy Birthday Dorothy Barker!!!! You sure were a cutie when you were little! Now, you are simply beautiful. Enjoy as much alcohol as you can get your paws on…sneak behind Victor’s back if you have to…just have fun. You’re only 21 once!

  22. Happy Birthday, Dottie! May you enjoy many, many more penises (penisi?). 🙂

    Georgie loved bully sticks. She even had a jumbo braided one (a 3-fer — woo hoo!) on her last day, along with a McDonald’s cheeseburger.

  23. Actually, since Dottie can’t drink, can she gamble? Do I hear road trip to Vegas?

  24. Party on, Dorothy,but don’t puke on the carpet, and only poop where Mama Jenny tells you to. And remind her that she gets to dispose of said poop responsibly.

  25. Happy Birthday, Dorothy Barker. And I’m not jealous at all that someone planned a surprise party for you. Sure, no one ever gives me a surprise birthday party, but I won’t make that your problem. I’m directing my angst to The Viking since he’s the only one living with me besides the two cats who don’t seem to give a shit when it’s my party. I’m not bitter though.

  26. Happy birthday Dorothy Barker! This is my daughter’s birthday, too. You can both have a celebratory drink together-after 5 pm of course.

  28. OHMYGODIFOLLOWEDTHELINK. Now I can’t get the phrase “pizzle-based foods for human consumption” out of my head. NO.

  29. Did you play a party game of “BOOP! Got your nose?” Dorothy has the cutest expressions, and the BOOP series had me laughing for decades and I just calmed down yesterday, and now….. I just give up. After all, laughing is better than noselessness. OK, I’ll go take my meds.

  31. I love how the lighting in your house gives her eyes so many highlights that she looks like an Anime character. Ridiculously cute little dog-person. Happy Birthday DB!

  32. Knives makes perfect sense to me – because then you could tell people “I have Knives in my purse!” For when you are feeling stabby.

  33. I am totally going to adopt a pit bull just so I can name him Bully Stick. Or Bully Knives. Yes! That works. Bully Knives and I are going to have a lot of wacky misadventures together. I can tell.

  34. Happy barkday! I hope you enjoyed the male bovine genitalia. (Aaannd I’m just gonna leave that alone…)

  36. My grandpa always used to share his beer with his beagle. Not that I recommend this since my grandpa drank Olympia or Miller High Life. Get something crafty and classy if you are going to share a beer with your dog.

  38. My new dog told me her name is Ruby. I don’t have her yet. I have to drive over to Spalding to fetch her when my broken shoulder heals.

  42. happy birthday Dorothy Barker! Had your momma told me, I’d have made you a special peanut butter oatmeal carrot cake! Which sounds totally gross to humans, but dogs LURVE dat shit! Sloppy invasive kisses! xo

  43. YAY! Happy birthday Dorothy Barker!

    I’m also making today my dog’s birthday. I don’t know when her birthday ACTUALLY is because she’s a rescue. Her name is Asha Greyjoy and she ALMOST died today. She is super old and only has one eye and smells really bad and she keeps walking into walls and peeing on the floor and started scream-barking at 2am, causing me to jump 8,000 feet and rush to her, but it was just because she wanted a drink of water and I thought she went crazy.

    She went to the vet today to get evaluated for potential end-of-life choices and the vet was all, “yeah, she’s just super blind and got a bad ear infection because of her allergies causing a skin infection. She’s totally not ready to be put down.” I started crying from joy and decided we needed a birthday celebration today. Because, my dog is totally alive, y’all.

    Best. Day. Ever.

  44. Happy Birthday Ms. Barker! Mr. Bandito and Mr. Mopar send their regards. (they are two-and-a-half year year old rat terriers) Thanks Ms. Lawson, for the pictures and wonderful stories.

  46. Happy Birthday, Dorothy Barker! Is Mom going to let you play with her dollhouse?

    My great aunt had a dog whose favorite beverage was Sprite and bourbon. She never let the dog in the house, but she didn’t mind giving her a drink every now and then. So it kind of averages out, right? This was the same great-aunt who used to slip my great-grandma a valium and spike her drink at Christmas so she wouldn’t kill us all. Ahh, such great memories!

  49. happy birthday dorthy barker! good to know that little tid bit about bull penises… intresting but def disturbing

  50. Dorothy Barker’s 🎂 pic FTW❣ I 💗 her So Much.
    It has been just one year since my fur-baby passed at age 17. He was the Best. Yorkie. EVER!! and I miss him terribly.
    Cheers to Dottie! And many more…🐶

  53. Hey just be careful giving your dog jerky. Check and try to find out if it’s made in China, a lot of dogs have been getting sick and having kidney failure due to additives that aren’t listed on the package. Happy birthday girlie, stay safe! Don’t day drink alone, wait for your mommy to drink with you.

  54. Dorothy Barker, here’s to you! Arf! Arf! Bow Wow! Ruf! Ruf! OooWooo! Yip! Yip! (that covers all the dog language I know)

  55. You know how the bull penises come in different lengths? Well your post finally prompted me to find out exactly how long they get. CANNOT UNSEE. Wishing you a 3 ft. long bully stick, Dorothy Barker!

  56. If somebody told me what was in the ‘bully stick’ I’d just had in my mouth, I’d looked as shocked as Dorothy.

  59. My question is what is so great about Scottish deer pizzles? Seriously, I’m sure US deer pizzles will work just as well for a pick me up before a race. Promote US made pizzles Wikipedia!

  61. Happy birthday, Dorothy Barker! She was so cute as a puppy, and now she’s just gorgeous.

  62. Happy, happy birthday, dearest Dottie. You’re the cutest woofie in Texas and you have the bestest mommy in the world.

  64. Except I totally read that as bull penis “on my head” so you can see why I was grossed out even though I knew what you were talking about.

  65. You could give her a ruff beer. And I’d like to donate my ex husbands penis if he would just stop running. His second wife doesn’t need it either 😛

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

  66. Happy Birthday Dorothy Barker 🎈🎈🎈You know you can get dog beer. I’m assuming because it’s non alcoholic you could also partake in some dog beer to celebrate.

  67. Oh my…you can render glue from a bull penis? So, how sticky was it when your arm got stuck up the cow’s va-jay-jay?

  69. Dogs can totally get drunk. My great grandparents’ dog used to cruise the alley behind the village pubs (England, about 80 – 90 years ago), licking up the drip pans from the kegs after lunch. This was back when dogs could take themselves for a walk, no leash laws or anything. Apparently everyone knew this, except my great grands, until one day the dog came home so drunk, he couldn’t manage to climb into his basket to sleep it off…

  70. OK, I had to save the picture of Dorothy Barker’s total surprise and pleasure that you remembered her birthday. Only when I saved it did I realize I have two other pictures of her. Do you want a picture of my cat? She doesn’t like having her picture taken – you’re lucky that Dorothy doesn’t turn away when a camera of any sort comes out.

  71. EW! I work part-time in a pet supply store, and we sell BULL PENISES! Gross!

    Also, Happy Birthday, DB! I’ll have some wine for you both tonight when I get home from set. 🙂

  72. Happy birthday Dorothy B. Jenny, I know you named her after Dorothy Parker, but in the PS above you wrote Dorothy Parker, this could have been intentional since you hadn’t settled on Barker yet. I always learn something new when I read your blog or your books. Enjoy the celebration.

  74. Awww I wanted to leave a photo of my dog wishing Happy Birthday, but couldn’t do it. We hope Miss Barker had a wonderful 3rd Birthday x x x

  76. I’m intrigued by this bull penis thing… having never had a dog I am trying to figure out what one would look like yet after googling some very strange things lately (insert “dog attack finger bum” and “ice cream penis” here) I’m a bit hesitant to add “dried bull penis jerky” to my google search history… that sort of thing can end you up on some watchlist somewhere!!!

  77. I would love to have you over for dinner. I get the feeling that we “voice” our cats in the voices we’ve made up for them, you wouldn’t look weird at my husband and I. Happy Birthday Dorothy Barker!

  79. Have you ever noticed that bully sticks, pizzle sticks, whatever you call them, stink? They smell really gross. At least I think they do, anyway. I always wash my hands after handling them. Wouldn’t do to get a cow STD or something.

  80. Happy Birthday, Dorothy Parker! The Maine Coons will celebrate this occasion with catnip in your honor.

  84. Happy Birthday! Tip for the day, do not order a bully stick from your raw food seller. They are NOT dried and are terrifying.

  85. Happy Birthday Dorothy! Also wanted to add: Poster-Josie #82-Victor is the love of Jenny’s life. He is also Jenny’s Dean Martin to Jenny’s Jerry Lewis. Jenny Lewis?(Don’t know if he can sing though.) They make a great team. Maybe a better comparison would be George Burns and Gracie Allen-but Jenny does not come off as ditsy as Gracie so hilariously pulled off.

  86. I love how you can drop “bull penis” in to a conversation and it seems totally normal.

  87. Happy Birthday Dorothy!

    piz·zle
    ˈpizəl/
    noun
    noun: pizzle; plural noun: pizzles
    the penis of an animal, especially a bull.

  89. I got curious about the author who Dorothy Barker was named in remembrance of, or whatever. (I’m sure there is a hilarious story about her naming.) So I did some digging on Thrift Books, Ebay and Amazon to find Dorothy Parker books. Only I kept typing in the search “Dorothy Barker”. I wasn’t coming up with anything. Knowing she was a famous author, I thought it was strange, so I tried another site and another. When I realized my mistake I was tickled and thought, that sounds like something Jenny might do.

  91. We go through so many bull penises in my house, I should own stock in a stockyard. While I like ‘Knives’ as a name, Dorothy Barker absolutely suits her. Happy Pupday to you, DB!

  93. I’m late I’m late! Happy belated birthday Dorothy Barker! That reaction-shot is just adorable, makes me want to snuggle her!

  95. Actually she looked a little confused because she doesn’t speak English

    Yep. Our cats are Siamese, yet my husband thinks if he yells, “No! DON’T GO UPSTAIRS!” to them in English that it will stop them.

  97. Whoa, Happy B-day Dorothy!!! what a great pic, yes, she was surprised and happy!!!

  101. I liked it when she was named “Knives.” It made me think of an old-timey gangster like “Knuckles” or “Bruiser” or “Tommy Gun.” But Dorothy “Knives” Barker is cool too.

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