It’s us, but in dead animal form. But not really dead because they weren’t ever alive. Undead? No. That makes them sound like vampires. So not that. Fuck. I don’t know the word. Hey, how long can a title be? Because this seems excessive. Someone should stop me. Jesus. This is as bad as 280-character twitter.

in Random Crap

Victor is finally home from Japan and I didn’t set the house on fire or eat any of our pets while he was gone.  Yay for the small things!

He always comes back from his annual trip with weird gifts that make him think of me and this time he pulled this stuffed toy sparrow at of his bag and I was like, “This bird has the dopiest look on its face” and Victor was like, “Well yeah.  That’s why it made me think of you,” and I’m not sure if he’s trying to be insulting but it doesn’t matter because it makes me laugh every time I look at it.  It’s the same look I have right after the waitress says, “Enjoy your meal” and I say, “YOU TOO!”

“PEOPLE!  RUN AWAY!” ~ this bird

I put the bird next to the stuffed slow loris Victor brought me last year (that would never sit up straight):

“I’M A HUGGER. AND A SUFFOCATOR.” ~ this slow loris.

But then I realized that I could use Slow Cloris Leachman’s little wire arms to hug Sparrow Agnew and that way they’d prop each other up and then they’re suddenly perfect together and they look so awkwardly happy and weirdly uncomfortable.

“Look away. Weird things are about to happen.  This is private.” ~ these guys

Like, no one would have thought to put them together but they fit, JUST LIKE ME AND VICTOR, you know?  And Victor said he didn’t entirely know what I was on about but said he’d agree with me if I just stopped talking and I was like, “THAT IS SUCH A SLOW CLORIS LEACHMAN THING TO SAY” and then Victor said it looked more like the slow loris was just really excited about capturing a bird and eating its face off, and the sparrow looked like she was drunk and pretending really hard not to be drunk.  Which is also a lot like us.  ROMANCE!

I don’t have an end to this post.

105 thoughts on “It’s us, but in dead animal form. But not really dead because they weren’t ever alive. Undead? No. That makes them sound like vampires. So not that. Fuck. I don’t know the word. Hey, how long can a title be? Because this seems excessive. Someone should stop me. Jesus. This is as bad as 280-character twitter.”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. You have such a great talent for naming pets (and stuffed animals).

    Did Victor bring you a new credit card?

    (He did. I just used it to buy a book about dissected wax women. I suspect it’ll be cancelled again within the week. ~ Jenny)

  5. Love everything about this. You don’t know how much I needed that last picture today. Thank you!

  10. Do I have to comment to like this post? I will if I have to because I like this post. A lot.

  12. If you guys ever wonder if you are absolutely meant for eachother just find this post and read it again. Seriously.

  14. They both look a little stunned, which is how my husband and I look at each other on a regular basis. Him, because he can’t believe the shit that comes out of my mouth, and me, because I can’t believe he can’t believe the shit that comes out of my mouth. Also, I’m drunk and pretending really hard not to be drunk right now, too. Sparrow Agnew and I totally need to hang out.

  17. Sparrow Agnew has the exact same expression as my real-life beagle.

    A slow loris is awesome. It’s those fast lorises (lorisai?) who are dickholes.

  18. That’s sweet! The part of your story that reminds me of my husband and me is the part where you say, “they’d prop each other up and then they’re suddenly perfect together and they look so awkwardly happy and weirdly uncomfortable.” That’s pretty much my relationship in a nutshell! LOL. Glad your hubby is back and in one piece.

  20. Oh my god, I love the slow loris clutching the sparrow. That is ridiculously cute. Happy Early Thanksgiving!

  22. Do Slow Cloris Leachman’s eyes follow you around the room? She’s kind of freaking me out. Is she strangling that bird or protecting it? Why do these things remind Victor of you???

  23. I need your amazing naming talents in my life! We just adopted a 4 month old orange tabby male kitten and so far my son can’t decide between meow and kitty for a name lol Love all your posts, they bring light and a smile all of the time

  25. I would chime in here and say how much I enjoy getting these mental snapshots in my otherwise tedious inbox, but I can never think of such clever, witty things to say as seem to be the requirement from your followers.

  27. I have to quit taking such long breaks from reading your blog because every time I come back I find Jenny and Victor stories like this that are just full of stuffed toy animal gold. 🙂

  28. Your blog title reminds me of the emails my dad sends. The entire message is in the Subject line and the email itself is blank. What’s the deal with dads, anyway?

  30. Next time someone asks for a photo of my husband and me, I may have to screen cap that one, and say, “Here. The Bloggess took it.”

    It would not be a lie.

  33. Just want to say how brave you are to have managed w/o Victor while he was gallivanting in Japan. <3 And it’s a totally worthy gift!

  34. I hope the slow loris doesn’t attack the sparrow — lorises are actually a venomous mammal!

  35. Sparrow Agnew and Slow Cloris Leachman are proud of your perseverance in Victor’s absence. I can see it in their eyes. Their large. Round. Unblinking. Eyes…

  36. Keep the posts coming! I really need your humor right noe. No money, no Thanksgiving, makes me a sad girl. But a sad girl that has to keep a happy face plastered on so the kids and hubby don’t know how much its bothering me. I think I am starting to either look constipated or crazier than normal from my forced cheer.

  37. Slow Cloris Leachman and Sparrow Agnew have the exact same expressions as a pair of junior prom dates being forced to pose for a picture by their parents and it’s about the cutest thing I’ve seen all day.

  38. I’m so happy you march to the beat of your own tuba. Animal names, awesome. Inappropriate animal pairings, fantastic. Keep doing you ‘cuz you make (all of) us furiously happy.

  44. For some reason I read that as slow lorax instead of Loris. Which is funny because I’ve never really been into Dr. Seuss.

  45. Reunited and it feels so good. That song goes on to say “there’s one perfect fit, and this one is it”…it’s Victor’s and your song!

    Love your animal names.

  47. I suspect Victor brings you animals just to challenge you to name them. You certainly have a gift.

  48. I had no idea, until reading this, how desperately I need a stuffed slow loris in my life…and most likely a stuffed toy sparrow. Do you lend Victor out?

  49. I just read this in the library on my phone and was shaking with silent laughter, and the homeless guy at the next table smiled at me and nodded approvingly. Not sure what to make of that, but it was a nice moment.

  50. I dunno, the bird is odd, but really not a replacement for the giant golden chicken you could have had! The Loris is happy though and I guess that counts.

  51. You are so lucky that Victor buys you gifts that shows that he knows you. I can’t think of the last time my dear husband got me a gift that I didn’t tell him to buy. I guess after 40 years they stop trying……sigh. :). Love my husband.

  53. They look like they’ve just been caught doing something illegal, or at least immoral.

  55. You do not need an ending to this one. It is absolutely perfect the way it is.

  59. It’s like The Viking and I. We’re so different we really shouldn’t be together but we actually are. And some days I’m not sure we really should be but then the next day I think, Yup, we really should be together. :o)

  66. Next year Victor needs to bring you a praying mantis doll. And then the following year he can give you a hummingbird doll. You can let them embrace and Victor can mention that mantises hang out at hummingbird feeders, catch them and eat their brains. And he would be right.

  70. Aww…I love the derpy sparrow. It’s the kind of thing that’s so ugly it’s kinda cute. Like baby vultures. Baby vultures are the ugliest things on the planet but you can’t look at them being derpy baby birds and not go “Damn that’s cute.”

  72. “awkwardly happy and weirdly uncomfortable” title of your sex tape (please tell me you watch Brooklyn 99) or your next memoir?

    (I love Brooklyn 99. Jake would be proud. ~ Jenny)

  73. Victor brings the best gifts. I think the fact he thought an odd dopey bird reminded him of you is why he’s a keeper. Second is the dissected wax women wax statues or did women get waxed then dissected or were they dissected first then put into wax. So many questions

  77. Slow Cloris’s face is like, “IS GOOD, YES?”, and Sparrow Agnew is like, “ermmm…sure?”

    (Now I want to change the caption because you’re is so much better. ~ Jenny)

  78. Any conversation with a server that doesn’t end with them saying “Thanks for coming to see us today!” and me blurting “I love you!” is a win, obviously.

    High-functioning autism makes things so confusing.

    I think Slow Cloris knew somehow that if she waited, one day her Someone would come. Just like the rich guy in Four Weddings and a Funeral. And it’s not that she needs propping up, per se; it’s the comfort of someone Who Gets Her, for real- who’s ready with that shoulder but really, just knows Cloris is his Favorite Place.
    So, yeah, does sound like you and Victor.

  84. If I send you a pic and description will you please help me name my next pet.

    (Of course. No pic needed. ~ Jenny)

  88. I love their names. Winner winner chicken dinner for Victor on choosing the perfect companion for Slow Cloris…. and in life partners.

  90. I feel like you should open a business where you offer to name people’s cats, dogs and other flotsam.

  91. This is so adorably cute! I’m going to print out the picture of them together. Actually, that’s a good zazzle idea, put a heart around them or something, or a wreath, holiday love. I don’t know but there’s and idea somewhere in there. ❤❤

  93. Just wanted you to know that years ago I was lying on the beach napping when suddenly I felt a horrific pain in my ankle. I looked up and saw a swan biting the crap out of my ankle! You have a right to be scared of those treacherous birds! Love your 📚.

  95. Oh Jenny, sparrow me the details. I’d much prefer a post about gulls gone wild. Or desperate house wrens.

  97. SPARROW AGNEW!!!?!
    I nearly spewed my tea all over my computer. Thank you, it’s been quite a day and I needed that.

  99. Do your clothes need altering? Don’t want to leave home to go to the tailor? Send your items to Vo’s Tailoring. We perform alterations and send your items right back to your door. Visit our site today!

  104. Hi! Lorises are my reason for living! That and my cats that stare at me until I feed them. Hours upon hours a day. But look up nocturama.org for all your pertinent loris info. And this is me. I’m not a mom, but I have a lot of the same issues you do, and I’m pretty sure lorises saved my life.
    https://www.clevescene.com/scene-and-heard/archives/2015/08/03/because-i-said-i-would-showcases-womans-animal-protection-promise-in-light-of-cecil-the-lion-coverage

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