So yesterday I insisted that I could hear rain but no one else did and turns out the upstairs sink was overflowing and there was water pouring out of the ceiling of my office BUT AT LEAST I WAS RIGHT HAHAHA ::quiet sobbing::
The bathroom cabinets are fairly destroyed but it could be worse, and turns out it is worse because a few hours later when we were washing all the towels we’d used to soak up the water there were suddenly gallons of sudsy water pouring down the stairs of the laundry room BECAUSE OF COURSE THERE WAS.
And all of the towels were already in the washer so we had to use beach towels and paper towels to stop the deluge and I can’t use the washer to clean any of the towels for fear of it happening again and I yelled, “WHAT TERRIBLE WATER SPRITE HAVE I OFFENDED AND HOW CAN I MAKE IT STOP?” and twitter said that I was going to need a young priest and an old priest and some holy water and I was like “NO MORE WATER, Y’ALL.”
But twitter said I maybe needed to have my pipes snaked(?) which sounds very porny –
– but Victor said I was reading too much into it and he called Roto-Rooter but when the guy got here this morning he was like, “Your pipes are totally clean. Clearly you have some sort of water demon infestation.” He didn’t say the last part out loud but you could feel it. He said he’d have another guy come today to make sure we didn’t have water behind the walls from the leaks and that guy just arrived a few minutes ago and Victor was on a conference call so I showed the guy around but he didn’t know anything about testing for water behind the walls and was just doing the same thing the first guy did so I went downstairs to get Victor and he was like, “”Why would Roto-Rooter be here again? They just left. WHO THE HELL DID YOU LET IN THE HOUSE?”
And that’s when I realized that the Roto-Rooter guy was probably the evil water phantom and I’d just invited him in the house so now we were totally fucked. Victor said I was confusing vampires and phantoms and I was certain we’d go upstairs and he’d just be a demon shaped puddled of toilet water that would drown me.
But he was still there and human and seemed to doubt we’d had someone there already that day because according to dispatch no one else had been there but him and he said that the roto-rooter man we’d met had been dead for 20 years. He didn’t actually say that last part but again, it was implied.
But then he called dispatch again and turns out the girl in charge was new and had no idea what she was doing so it was probably just a mistake. Or possibly that’s just a trick water demons use to lull you into a false sense of security. I don’t know. Frankly I’m much more versed in vampires.
But on the bright side we realized that the washing machine was incredibly old and probably just busted so I just bought a new one for my birthday tomorrow but it won’t be delivered until next week so it’ll be a late birthday present. So basically I can’t do laundry until next year because of demons. Which is not a terrible birthday present all things considered.
PS. I just realized that they’re going to bring the new washer and take away the broken one on New Years Day and isn’t that bad luck? Something about not removing anything from your house on New Years Day? Is there an exemption if you’re removing broken things that might be haunted by demons?
PPS. My laundry room isn’t upstairs. Our house is built on a steep hill so there are two stories but there are 5 sets of stairs because every room on the ground floor is about 3 feet shorter than the one before it. It’s like MC Escher built a house and then filled it with water demons and cats.
PPPS. There is a Kristen Bell gif for everything. That woman is a national treasure.
PPPPS. The water mitigation people just came and they’re going to have to tear out a bunch of the upstairs bathroom and my office and our insurance deductible is almost as much as I paid for college.
Going to just cry for awhile now. Fucking water demons.