So yesterday I insisted that I could hear rain but no one else did and turns out the upstairs sink was overflowing and there was water pouring out of the ceiling of my office BUT AT LEAST I WAS RIGHT HAHAHA ::quiet sobbing::
The bathroom cabinets are fairly destroyed but it could be worse, and turns out it is worse because a few hours later when we were washing all the towels we’d used to soak up the water there were suddenly gallons of sudsy water pouring down the stairs of the laundry room BECAUSE OF COURSE THERE WAS.
And all of the towels were already in the washer so we had to use beach towels and paper towels to stop the deluge and I can’t use the washer to clean any of the towels for fear of it happening again and I yelled, “WHAT TERRIBLE WATER SPRITE HAVE I OFFENDED AND HOW CAN I MAKE IT STOP?” and twitter said that I was going to need a young priest and an old priest and some holy water and I was like “NO MORE WATER, Y’ALL.”
But twitter said I maybe needed to have my pipes snaked(?) which sounds very porny –
– but Victor said I was reading too much into it and he called Roto-Rooter but when the guy got here this morning he was like, “Your pipes are totally clean. Clearly you have some sort of water demon infestation.” He didn’t say the last part out loud but you could feel it. He said he’d have another guy come today to make sure we didn’t have water behind the walls from the leaks and that guy just arrived a few minutes ago and Victor was on a conference call so I showed the guy around but he didn’t know anything about testing for water behind the walls and was just doing the same thing the first guy did so I went downstairs to get Victor and he was like, “”Why would Roto-Rooter be here again? They just left. WHO THE HELL DID YOU LET IN THE HOUSE?”
And that’s when I realized that the Roto-Rooter guy was probably the evil water phantom and I’d just invited him in the house so now we were totally fucked. Victor said I was confusing vampires and phantoms and I was certain we’d go upstairs and he’d just be a demon shaped puddled of toilet water that would drown me.
But he was still there and human and seemed to doubt we’d had someone there already that day because according to dispatch no one else had been there but him and he said that the roto-rooter man we’d met had been dead for 20 years. He didn’t actually say that last part but again, it was implied.
But then he called dispatch again and turns out the girl in charge was new and had no idea what she was doing so it was probably just a mistake. Or possibly that’s just a trick water demons use to lull you into a false sense of security. I don’t know. Frankly I’m much more versed in vampires.
But on the bright side we realized that the washing machine was incredibly old and probably just busted so I just bought a new one for my birthday tomorrow but it won’t be delivered until next week so it’ll be a late birthday present. So basically I can’t do laundry until next year because of demons. Which is not a terrible birthday present all things considered.
PS. I just realized that they’re going to bring the new washer and take away the broken one on New Years Day and isn’t that bad luck? Something about not removing anything from your house on New Years Day? Is there an exemption if you’re removing broken things that might be haunted by demons?
PPS. My laundry room isn’t upstairs. Our house is built on a steep hill so there are two stories but there are 5 sets of stairs because every room on the ground floor is about 3 feet shorter than the one before it. It’s like MC Escher built a house and then filled it with water demons and cats.
PPPS. There is a Kristen Bell gif for everything. That woman is a national treasure.
PPPPS. The water mitigation people just came and they’re going to have to tear out a bunch of the upstairs bathroom and my office and our insurance deductible is almost as much as I paid for college.
Going to just cry for awhile now. Fucking water demons.
191 thoughts on “FORGIVE ME, WHOEVER I ANGERED.”
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Well, water demons are assholes but they’re also helping you put off laundry so maybe they’re only partial assholes?
Because. When it rains, it pours.
Ooooh, girl, my upstairs neighbor flooded my front closet and entryway (with her shitty washing machine, but that’s another story). Get the walls and stuff ripped out sooner than later bc mold. Also, the drying equipment is ungodly loud. Consider a hotel until it’s out. I’m sorry.
At least is wasn’t a shit demon, a la Dogma.
Are you SURE you didn’t somehow piss off M. Night Shaymalan (which I’m certain I spelled wrong)?? I mean…water demons…what the hell is going on there?
I am so sorry that this is happening to you. I totally agree with the water demon theory. The good thing is that they have their fun with you and then usually get bored and leave you alone.
Found this on Snopes: Nothing — absolutely nothing, not even garbage — is to leave the house on the first day of the year. If you’ve presents to deliver on New Year’s Day, leave them in the car overnight. Don’t so much as shake out a rug or take the empties to the recycle bin.Some people soften this rule by saying it’s okay to remove things from the home on New Year’s Day provided something else has been brought in first. This is similar to the caution regarding first footers; the year must begin with something’s being added to the home before anything subtracts from it. Good Luck!
You’re safe. According to my mother and grandmother, both of whom were very well versed in superstitious folklore, it is bad luck to actually DO LAUNDRY on New Year’s Day. If you do, someone in the family will die that year. Since we have about 6,000 people that we know of in our family (and who knows how many more because lots of randy folks in them thar hills), chances are very good someone will die whether you do laundry or not. But if you have a small family, I wouldn’t chance it. You’re safe because most of the day will be spent removing the old washer and hooking up the new one. Just wait until the next day to start doing laundry.
If i could send you a taxidermist to take of your water demons, I totally would. I found one on the way to Kerrville, called “The Buck Stops Here” which is the worlds greatest name for a taxidermist shop. And I love you. And deductibles were created by Satan.
This made me sick to my stomach to read. I hate house breakage shit. Especially when it involves water. I am so sorry that happened. Now I am going to go speak softly to my pipes in case I angered them by reading about your water issues. I don’t want them to one up you.
Water in the house is a shitty thing to happen. I have had flooding in the house from ice dams. Twice. If walls/studs are soaked (hopefully not) make sure they open it all up and let it thoroughly dry (they have a probe thingy majingy that they can use to measure the moisture in the studs) before they repair everything so you don’t have other issues down the line.
Hugs to you!.
Maybe the water demons felt you missed out on Harvey and thought you should have some fun? If this comment makes me sound like an asshole, please blame the water demons!!
Never heard the old/new thing for the new year but there is the first footer rule. The first person who comes into your house has to have dark hair & partake of a refreshment. Usually scotch but this is America so have bourbon or a beer.
Fuck water demons!! They are scary assholes! I’m about to have my bathroom remodeled and made accessible for me so I’m not like ‘Hey yeah I fell in the tub again’ at the ER regularly. BUT I’m kind of terrified of what they’ll find when they start ripping everything out.
2017 will not go quietly.
It dawns on me that Kristen Bell should really be the person that plays you when they make a move out of Let’s Pretend This Never Happened.
Make it so.
WOW, I thought my life had all the bad luck. I’ve been telling myself that 2018 is going to be my year (power of positive thinking right??), but I will be happy to share it with you. Happy birthday, may the water demons not come to your party.
I believe that when it rains inside your house it means you will have a happy marriage. Or maybe that was if it rains on your wedding day. Can you have a quick vow renewal so you are covered? You don’t have to get a dress on Say Yes To The Dress – but it probably wouldn’t hurt.
We had our bathroom remodeled to make it better accessible for my disabled husband. During the MONTH they were here we had 6 water leaks, and couldn’t bathe for a week at a time (EEWW!!). So we were stuck until they “finished”, which was a amateur job at best, and now need a new living room ceiling. They are not taking responsibility for the ceiling, but we are refusing payment until it’s fixed. 😜
Sorry, you got flooded because of demons and all, but right now I simply want to give thanks to you for being born and bringing this kind of magic and happiness to my inbox. Your birth is truly one the things I am most thankful for in this life. Happy early birthday, you wacky wonder. I just fucking love you!
It’s OK to have a possesed washer removed on New Years day, but you might be screwed for inviting the evil water phantom dude in. I would call the priests just to make sure. I hope you have a happy birthday
At least you are not in Erie, PA. Then your water would be frozen and trying to kill you.
Been there, done that!
Have had two major water issues over the last 20 years. I’m sorry my water demon chose you. He’s a fucking prick.
Brace yourself. Shortly after we moved into our house, the washer needed repair. Followed in quick succession by the dryer, the furnace, the water heater, the water softener, and the air conditioner. I swear the appliances preferred the previous home owners and staged an uprising.
Water demons suck. Our washer broke and flooded all three floors of our house on New Years day several years ago. You have my sympathy.
That is so much suck. I had frozen pipes yesterday (because -30 C is a horrible temperature), but it was at least an easy fix and I didn’t have water pouring everywhere.
That’s the first I ever heard of the New Years Day thing, but you’re probably fine. Possible bad luck versus definite demons seems like an easy choice from here.
It seems like you need to research summoning fire demons, seems like they might cancel each other out. Not like set the house ablaze fire demons of course (that would be crazy) more like light that candle fire demon.
Aren’t water demons one of the signs of the Apocalypse? Get your house in order before midnight on the 31st so thst we’re not building an ark and choosing which cats to take in 2018.
That is terrible. But hey, at least it’s not sewage backing up into your house. That happened to me last year, and then my mother in law showed up and basically just dumped bleach on everything in our basement. The smell of bleach covered sewage was everywhere and we had to take our dog and go stay in a hotel while the house aired out. The bright side is, flooding seems less awful when there isn’t feces in it. Stay strong!
Well that sucks. I don’t think it’s bad luck to get the new washer on New year’s day but I think the water demons wanted me to say that. 😮🙏🙃
Starting next week, my kitchen is getting ripped apart by the water mitigation folks for a leak we had in late November. I feel your pain (and I also do not have the deductible money, so that’s fun). But super-bonus, I won’t be able to cook for like a week!
Maybe it’s the universe’s backhanded way of saying, “We realize you’re both shitty housekeepers and hate doing all the things, so here’s a(n expensive, very messy) break from it!”?
Water, the giver of life, and the fucker of all things house. I’m so sorry for your demons. Kristen at least seems to understand and her role as a Lifeguard may protect you afterall. <3
I was rooting (get it?), when I read your tweets. I know your pain all to well, haven gotten out of bed to use the bathroom in the middle of the fucking night only to find a gyser in the bathroom. The toilet feed supply split and whoosh.
The bathroom had to be worked on and the basement was completely flooded. FUCK.
The previous owner had used the cheapest plastic he could find and made a rats nest out of stringing lines in the basement. And yea a few months later one of the basement lines split.
So flooded basement Mark II.
I ended up ripping most of it out and replacing it bit by bit. So I know your pain. I didn’t have the tribe back then so I just drank heavily.
Fingers crossed for you Jenny.
Play it smart, dear Jenny, & wear a life preserver. Or at the very least, some water wings. I dont know what we’d do without you!
Just make sure to eat black eyed peas on New Year’s Day, that will override any bad juju from getting rid of the washer.
O, shit. You’re sort of living my life now. Water poured through my hallway ceiling because the AC broke. We had the system replaced, but the installers didn’t hook up the drain properly so water poured through the bedroom/bathroom wall. Then the tank on the toilet split wide open. This was all in two weeks four years ago. Then Hurricane Harvey swallowed my house and I sort of thought I’d be glad because… I mean, it was obviously cursed. I wasn’t though. It’s a pain in the ass to have a ruined house.
So… yeah. I empathize as only a cursed by water demons Texan can. But, hey, at least you’re not on the coast!
We discovered 3 days before Christmas that our garbage disposal is leaking, thankfully we caught it before it did any major damage. But my solution to it was to stick a bucket under it and forget about it until after the new year because well garbage disposals are friggin expensive ya’all! Who knew? And options? Do I need one that will grind bones? Does this mean I can dispose of bodies very slowly down my drain?! I might need that…
The wind chill here is -15, so my first thought was frozen, busted pipe, but then I remembered you’re in Texas. Happy New Year! I heard 2018 is the year of the washer.
Heaven and earth, and all the saints and angels. I’m so, so sorry.
My Grandmother said that whatever happens or how you look on New Years Day is what will happen and what you will look like for the rest of the year. So expect lots of new appliances to be delivered to your home…..and just make sure you look your best when they arrive!
I feel for you, Jenny. My kitchen sink kept backing up on the 23rd but I thought I could manage until after Boxing Day, because really, how many times could the neighbours wash dishes?? Seems one too many was the answer. On Christmas Eve Day I went out of the kitchen for about fifteen minutes and came back to find the sink had not only filled to the top but overflowed onto the counters and floor!! Having experienced a few times of sewage backing up into my tub – EWWWWW – this didn’t bother me as much but I did have to postpone Christmas Dinner until Wednesday. 🙁 The plumber was great – snaked the pipes from upstairs and I have a sink free of other people’s dirty water and foodstuffs! Happy New Yea to you and your family, Jenny!
That sounds like my kind of hell! I have a fear of water. If you ever figure out how to repeal water demons, let me know! Better safe than sorry and I’m the kind of person who will take premptive stricks. Do you think garlic keeps the water demons out?!?
I’m just going to keep clicking on the ads on your page, so it’ll be exactly like I’m giving you .0003% of the cost of the work to fix the water damage. YOU’RE WELCOME.
My mom flooded her house once by trying to be a good neighbor. During my aunt’s baby shower she found out our neighbor didn’t have any water on at her house so she started filling up her large soaker tub so that they would have water if it didn’t get turned back on quickly. Well due to the pink festivities downstairs she forgot the water was on until it had gone over the sides of the tub, down the vents and was dripping on our guests. She was mortified, I was a jerky teenager and thought it was funny. Who am I kidding I’m a jerky adult and that ish is still funny!!!
Get somebody to help Victor haul the old washer out of the house today, tomorrow or Saturday, problem solved! 💋
You can avoid bad New Year’s Day juju by throwing your old stuff out on New Year’s Eve.
“Throw old things from the window
This custom is still alive in different parts of Italy, including large cities like Naples and Rome. At midnight, some Italians throw out the window old things (usually crockery). This ritual symbolizes that you let go of what is useless and that you get rid of evil (physical and moral) accumulated during the year, to make room for a fresh start.” You can find more on the curious New Year’s Eve customs of Italy here: https://www.studiainitalia.com/en/blog/new-year-traditions-italy/ It includes wearing red undergarments.
Please throw your old washer out the window and post the photo!!
Get back in bed. Pull the covers over your head. Stay there until it’s February, preferably 2019. You’ve all let us know there’s a curse heading our way for 2018 already. Thanks for the warning! Or is it just fake news?
Kristen Bell IS everything!
My birthday is Saturday. Happy birthday, Jenny. You’re getting a washing machine, and I got to pay taxes. 2017 is almost over, thank fuck. Love you!
What – the hurricane didn’t get you, so your house decided it wanted to flood anyway? Good luck expelling the water demons, and I hope your new washer is delightful and does everything for you, including moving the clothes to the dryer, folding them when they’re dry and putting them away.
Remember what the Doctor said? “Water always wins!” (love The Doctor and love you!)
This seems like a job for the vampire sisterhood.
For fucking fuck’s (or is it fucks) sake… maybe I should’ve stuck with FFS!!!
Had water demons in the attic in one place- they launched a devastating surprise attack on both our kitchen and the downstairs neighbours. Our landlord attempted to face them down, but after a two-month pitched battle he was forced to call in a proper exorcist. Plumber. Whatever.
Jeebuz, girl! Take a breath. I’d say take a bath and relax, but I feel like sitting in a tub full of water is the last thing you want to do right now… or ever again, probably.
I happen to be in San Antonio, so if you need someone to deliver the coping mechanism of your choice (I’m talking alcoholic beverages, not appliances, just in case that wasn’t implied loudly enough), without judgment and without even staying to watch, just holler. I get it.
Make sure you get the flexible metal hoses for the water supplies to the washer. The two times I’ve dealt with water from the
washing machine is was due to one of the rubber hoses breaking. In one house it flooded the sunken living room.
I think you should go to a nice extended stay hotel that has delivery and does laundry. They might even have a separate conference room for Victor. The very best extended stay motels have happy hour and warm chocolate chip cookies. Then after the evil washing machine is replaced, you can have a priest and a shaman do a ceremonial smudging. Clearly, the house is not safe at the moment, and will need to be cleansed by the International Association of Water Demonologists. (We do demons so you don’t have to).
It’s been a wet year for us, too. Two leaks in the bathroom ceiling (the upstairs neighbor’s bathtub overflow was not connected properly), one leak in the kitchen ceiling (upstairs neighbor’s dishwasher hose became disconnected), a leak under the kitchen sink (the hose connection to the faucet unscrewed itself) and the big one – the water pipe to the heater in a closet in the apartment complex hallway burst – flooded the entire hall and four apartments with steaming hot water. That one had us with seven loud blowers in the place and all of our baseboard torn up. I called maintenance today because our garbage disposal wasn’t working. When he arrived I said, “hey, nothing is flooding today!” wasn’t sure if he was going to laugh or cry.
So, I guess I should be grateful that I live in a room in someone else’s house. I’ll try. But when my ship comes in (haha, not on water I hope) I do want to get a house. I’ll just go to the laundromat like I do now. Thanks for this post.
I’ve never been so happy to live in a mason-block house with a concrete slab. Of course, that meant they had to jackhammer out the concrete to get to the leak, and plumbers love pulling up the slab but they won’t put it back, so then you have to have masonry experts come out and fix the walls and slab once the plumbing part is done. So at least you only have water demons, and didn’t have to mess with the earth demons.
I feel your pain. Those water demon assholes have been following me around since grad school! I had to buy a new washer recently too; damn thing is smarter than I am!
Oh man I am SO sorry. D:
When my son was an infant, I flooded our front bathroom and hall carpet by accident. I had been feeding him and he spit up a little on his shirt. So I changed his shirt and left the dirty shirt soaking in the bathroom sink in some cold water. But I left the water running because sleep deprived baby brain. A little while later, I got up because I thought I heard the toilet running and I wanted to stop it from doing that. But when I went in the bathroom, there was water all over the floor and the hall carpet outside the bathroom was soaked. I didn’t know what to do..so I laid on the floor and sobbed hysterically. My husband borrowed a wet/dry shop vac from our neighbor, cleaned up the mess, got me up and got me into some dry clothes and then took me out to dinner. Because clearly this was all more than I could handle. <3
Re insurance. You should speak with an Independent Insurance Adjuster. They protect your interests and ensure ypur insurance company covers and pays what they should. For example, my friend had a flood in her kitchen from her dishwasher. Her insurance Co wanted to give her 5000. She hired an independent insurance adjuster and he got her95,000. His fee was 10 percent. So she got 85,000 instead of 5000. If she had just accepted what her ins offered, she wouldn’t have been able to fix all the damage. Please atleast talk to one. It’s amazing how much damage ypu can’t see with water issues.
Holy Fucking Moly!! I thought The Viking and I had it tough – both of us on nuclear antibiotics at the same time and one of us staying in the hospital to annoy every nurse in the ward (The Viking). I had to bring them cookies and stuff every day to apologize for the raging Viking in room 329. You’ve got me beat, though.
I don’t know why I turned this into a competition. I’m not usually a competitive person. It probably has something to do with The Viking stealing my Sickness Pampering. I was the first one to get an infection so he purposely got a bigger infection so that I would have to pamper him even though I am sick too. I hate it when he does that.
Oh my gosh the Kristen Bell gifs, I didn’t think I could love you any more! You loving her makes me love more, she is a National Treasure, but so are you. Oh, and eat some sauerkraut after the ball drops on New Years, brings good luck for the next year! Every year I forget or resist is horrible, eat the kraut.
Gee, wasn’t it just yesterday that your cat Rolly was bringing you bits of laundry? Maybe she was trying to warn you that dirty laundry was going to be a real big problem soon. You know, sort of how like animals can predict earthquakes? Or maybe she’s been stuffing socks in the pipes somehow when you weren’t looking….
Many years ago, my husband who was retired and at home called me in hysterics”the ceiling of my den caved in! There is water everywhere!” As this was August in California, we have a 1 story house, I was puzzled by how this could happen! When I got home, it was clear but insane. My husband had a hose roller attachment by the outdoor faucet, where he rolled up the hose. And he insisted on leaving the hose on, because of possible fires. Well the top roll of the hose developed a leak, and directly above the fountainlike leak was an opening in the attic for heat, covered by mesh. The water sprayed into that opening, and filled up the attic space over the den. When the weight got too great, the ceiling crashed down, with a ton of water! It flooded the room, ruined all my husbands photo and documents, and flooded out to the hall. When the insurance adjuster came out, he said it was one of the weirdest ones he’d ever seen. We hadn’t moved anything, so he turned on the water, and there it went, right into the vent!
So, Gwy n said “they have a probe thingy majingy that they can use to measure the moisture in the studs”
that sounds as porn inspired as “getting the pipes snaked”
or maybe I am a 14 year old boy trapped in an old man’s body……
I guess the bright side is you don’t have to worry about the cat taunting you with clean socks because there won’t be any for a while?
My dad died a week before his birthday. We had a small gathering of immediate family and very close friends on his birthday, and then had a larger memorial later when we were better equipped to handle it. The ceiling started dripping right over the dining room table from a burst pipe in the upstairs bathroom the moment we put food out. We yelled at the ceiling that if he didn’t want a party he shouldn’t have died, and to quit breaking shit in the house.
I laugh when non Australians say or write root. Here it means to have sex.
Too bad you didn’t go with my family and I to get identical anti-demon-possession sigils tattooed on our pecs just like the Winchester brothers. May want to consider it just in case there are really water demons cavorting about your house. Although, the tattoo would be a write-off since you’re a bonafide writer writing about water demons. I just overused the base word “write.” Thank God I’m safe from writer demons.
Happy early birthday Jenny! Lol, it is stories like these that remind me I am normal and you are a fantastically wonderful person for sharing them. I would suggest a dry cleaning while you wait for everything to be delivered and settled, but can you imagine the fuck up that could happen, lol! Have a drink and a take deep breath, like everything else you will pull through with a fantastic story to tell:)
This post is all sorts of fucked up. What a shitty end to the year! I’m thankful that it wasn’t worse. I’m glad you have insurance to cover most of it, I’m sorry for the high deductible. 🙁
I’m hoping the water demons stay away from your house but do not infest mine. I’ve had enough of them. Thank you very much.
If I understand this whole narrative, it sounds like you get to design and decorate a whole new bathroom and office? Jealous!
Maybe Rollys dirty sock gifts were warrings about water demons. Like don’t wash the laundry the demons are waiting. Man she’s just trying to save your life and your making blog post about her being mean to you. Sooooo sad
We had a faucet leak under our bathroom sink, into the bedroom wall behind it, destroying the cabinets, carpet and drywall. We had to have remediation out with heaters and fans for a week. Like living in a wind tunnel. So I got no sleep for a week.
And then my boss told me that my aura was disturbed. I think it was the water demons that did it.
I had frozen water problems all day (dang pipes!) AND tomorrow’s my birthday too. I think this means we should go demon hunting together. Or demon hugging. I bet they wouldn’t be expecting that.
Before we remodeled, we had this really crappy gold carpet. I’m very frugal (my hubby says a fucking tightwad, but it’s just semantics), so I wouldn’t replace it. One night I heard this hissing noise and couldn’t figure out where it was coming from. I followed the sound down the hall into the kitchen to find the hose leading to the dishwasher had sprung a leak. Hurray, I thought, now I can get new carpet. But the freaking water was running out the gap under the back door. So instead of going back to bed and pretend to be surprised in the morning when I “woke up” to find the carpet soaked all over the house, I had to go find a pipe wrench and shut off the water. Just for the hell of it, I stayed in bed all that day.
You should turn your house into the water version of the Winchester house in California. The. Those water demons won’t even know how to fuck with you.
i just love love love when KB freaks out about her birthday sloth! (2nd gif)
Water is the ABSOLUTE WIRST…if given the choice of flood, fire, earthquake, tornado, or thermonuclear war, I’d take ANY of them over water…so my heart goes out to you, Jenny. (Oh, and by the way, water curses ALWAYS require a virgin sacrifice…just so you know…)
When we moved into our house, it had been converted and a lot of it was redone or moved around. My mom’s tub turned out not to have the overflow pipe hooked up at all!
I also told my mom that my toilet leaked a bit, but she never really took it seriously… until a couple years later when we noticed mold in the top corner of our pantry… which was right below my bathroom…
Tore the wall out, and it the entire supporting structure in the wall was rotting and COVERED in nasty, foul mold. Dirty toilet water had been leaking down behind the wall for YEARS. It all got worse when the bottom edge of my toilet had been resealed, so instead of leaking onto my floor, it ALL went down behind the wall.
Had to replace the entire section of the wall, including load bearing structures, along with a good chunk of the ceiling.
All I had to say was “I TOLD YOU my toilet was leaking!”
i think to get rid of water demons, you need salt, iron, and some sprigs of fresh yew. But I may be thinking of fleas. Good luck, and happy birthday!
North TX freeze warning is on… and we had WANTED to go to Six Flags. I hope it is at least staying warm for you this weekend.
I also think you can solve the “nothing out” rule by getting the dead washer outside before Monday.
And those blowers really are loud. Ours was lowest apartment in the complex + blocked refinancing pipe. That was NOT FUN. We got to stay with family for the week that the carpet was ripped up. I suggest alternative dwelling for the entire drying time.
What we share a birthday?! That’s so cool!…. Sorry about the water demons tho
Joys of home owning.
How about the water freezing and no water? That is what my neighbour has going on and coming to my place to fill water jugs for drinking water. Water for other uses, she is melting snow. It is so much fun when there is an polar vortex and the temperature drops to -30C. \i hope my water doesn’t freeze.
I’m so sorry. The demons got us too. Dead washer. Went to a laundromat for the first time in ever and for real the first time in my kids’ lives.
that yellow wig is very cool.
According to family legend, one is to thoroughly clean the house New Year’s Eve and then toss all the things you used to clean like brooms, mops, dusters, etc., out before midnight to rid you home of all the old and horrible stuff in it so none of it is dragged into the new year.
Something really similar happened to me. We had bought our first house only a few months earlier and a bad sewer line caused almost our whole house to flood. Once they removed the damaged floors/walls only the bedroom and office were habitable. I spent the whole summer working from home and moving our two young cats from the bedroom to the office and back again every day. It was horrible. Even with A/C it was often 90+ degrees in that little cramped office, with the constant drone of construction in the background. It was expensive and traumatic and I’ve never spent so much time feeling helpless in my whole life. Please consider staying somewhere else during the drying and construction. It was really overwhelming with pets, although I’m sure you’ll deal with it better than I did! All the hugs.
Dearest Jenny, I have had water demons following me from house to house (basement to basement) for 4 decades. Also termites that turned into Godzilla lady bugs and boxelder bugs. I am working on my own special rosary recitation protection. Will let you know if it works! Hope this gives you hope. XOXOXOXO
Is there such a thing as H2O Poltergeists?
I’m so sorry, that sounds insanely anxiety provoking. Plus, what do you even offer an unwelcome houseguest water demon? Do you offer it tea, or is that, like, cannibalistic?
Happy birthday, fellow Capricorn! I’m sorry to hear about your flood. Best wishes to you, your family, & furbabies in the new year. Thanks again for a brilliant, insightful blog!
Happy Birthday Jenny. At least it’s a memorable one for you, even if it’s only for the wrong reason.
Mold is nasty stuff. I second a hotel, especially one with free laundry facilities like Staybridge.
If you were German, the only thing worse that could have occurred is if a bird flew into your house. That’s way worse than water demons if my Nana was right.
A daughter of plumber, I feel your pain. That’s one expensive water demon damage.
Water losses are awful. I’m sorry you have to deal with this. Around here, Qest Plumbing is an issue. If any of the pipe under your sinks is gray, just have the house replumbed, or the water daemon will forever wreak havoc. Been there…
You need to call Sam and Dean Winchester!
So, remember that one day when you were bored, bored, bored? Me neither, now. Also well-done on such sharp hearing.
on another front-
Catlike Plumbing Work Detected-? Srsly, can those bastards turn on your existing water taps? I would take this opportunity to change that ish right out. -I’m so sorry this happened!
Damn shame you can’t figure out how to turn water into wine. I’m sorry you’re going through this and that you have a December birthday where you probably get ripped off on presents because of Christmas and all. Keep your chin up and inner tube ready. Did you ever see the Brady Bunch episode where the washing machine covers the house in a bubble bath? If not, it might make you feel better. May you have a dry birthday, unless you figure out that wine thing.
Uh….you get a new office!!!!! Yay!!!! 😊 Mofo water demons.
Did someone mention supernatural
All this talk of water demons makes me want to scream “Release the Kracken!”
Miss Lawson? I deal wit depression. Can you help?
Please help miss Lawson. I don’t know if my depression will get worse. Anything will help
Can anyone see this? It’s not showing up on my iPad.
HOTEL! The fans for drying out the walls and such are noisy and HOT!!! If you want to sleep before it’s all over, hotel. If you can’t cook or use bathroom, insurance should cover.
First world problems.
First world problems, my love.
My birthday is today! You’re my almost birthday buddy.
I’ve lived in the same 1st floor apartment since ’96 in a hundred year old building, and I get confused how many times I’ve had water leaks. One time one of the supply lines to the bathroom sink in the apt TWO floors above me came loose and the water ran down inside the wall of my upstairs neighbor and came through my front room ceiling. In his apt.: nothing.
The only thing I remember that’s important for New Year’s is beans and rice, and something to do with money…
Water demons sound problematic. Maybe you could lure them into a chest freezer and keep them frozen until next summer? (Does that sound like something from the X-Files?)
Then maybe you could convince Victor all the towels you used for mopping up are tainted with bad water demon juju and you must buy new towels, because you don’t want them possessing your new washer.
And Happy Birthday!
I’m not sure if this will cheer you up, but here’s my appliance meltdown story:
A week before my due date, our dryer died. We go out that Saturday and buy a new one, and I pointed to my enormous belly and said ‘Uh, any chance we can have that delivered soon?’ The sales guys says they can deliver it tomorrow morning and even set it up for us, but there’s only one delivery guy on Sunday. Since our dead dryer is mounted to the wall above our washer, my husband will have to help him get it down and the new one up.
‘No problem!’ says my husband. ‘Great! All sorted!’ We say.
‘Owch!’ I say at 3am that night when I wake up with my first contraction. Stage one is basically ‘take a paracetamol and chill for 12 hours until the REAL fun starts’ and my bodyparts are still following the textbook at that point. So about 8am the next morning, I’m kinda waiting around, my husband goes to the bathroom and the doorbell rings.
It’s the delivery guy, with our dryer.
‘I’m sorry, I’m in early labour right now – don’t worry, the baby’s not coming for hours – but I can’t help you with the dryer. Do you mind waiting a few minutes for my husband to get out of the bathroom?’
Less than three minutes later, this poor man had the new dryer in, and the old dryer off the wall, and was valiantly trying to get the new dryer up on his own.
He was out of our house within five minutes. I still wonder what he told his boss that day.
Trade you demons. My water bill went to $700 for two months and I can’t find out why. When I lay in bed every 30 minutes I hear water running 30 seconds. Repeat all night long and maybe day too. The guy who installed my water softener a few months ago had me read its computer and swears it nothing inside the house because Ive used very little water. He’s a plumber but has no clue, call a leak detection specialist he says who will sit around on the clock for 30 minutes to hear it run 30 seconds and try to find it. Sounds like it will cost a bunch of money. The timing is the weird thing. And I’d just recovering financially from Christmas. And I have no Victor and the only males in my house are cats and they are clueless too
Fucking water demons. OTOH, your birthday is tomorrow! Water party!
I Googled “sacrifice to poseidon” because if NSA is really spying on me I want to confuse the heck out of them. Anyhow they said if you slaughter a bull in his honor you’ll catch a lot of fish. But it turns out the ancient Greeks didn’t have washing machines so I don’t know what you’d sacrifice to stop flooding or ward off bad spirits because you changed something out in the New Year.
Okay, legit had to read this three times because I kept getting distracted by all the awesome Kristen Bell gifs. There really is a Kristen Bell gif for everything! It really does sound like you angered some sort of water god/spirit… Have you been wasting any water lately? Leaving the sink on while you brush your teeth or something? Although this seems like a fairly excessive punishment for something like that.
THE WATER DEMON WAS AT MY HOUSE LAST MONTH!! The freezer in the garage died a sent water gushing through the wall into the bathroom, some of which was sucked up by the particle board vanity down there, making the pipes rise and start to leak. We aren’t down there much , but the upstairs started to smell funny and my husband said not to worry- so of course I did- and the whole thing became days of big dryers and fans and dehumidifiers and walls torn out … and the only good news is we get a new vanity and new flooring in the bathroom. Our deductible is about the size of a small car, though,
so that has to be paid and we’ve been down a bathroom for a month because nobody really wants to work during the holidays. So… I can relate!!
Did you catch the water demon? Perhaps del Toro’s amphibian guy from “the shape of water” got away and somehow ended up in your house! Take a break from all that madness and go out and have fun. Happy birthday! 💞
Happy Birthday, Jenny! And no, a new washing machine is NOT a good birthday present. I’m sure Victor will buy you something better than that. Now you at least know what Rolly was trying to tell you the other day. Too bad you don’t speak Cat. Water demons – who knew? Lol
Wait. This could be a good excuse to buy towels! And come back with a friend for Beyoncé….
You have clearly offended Oshun. Bitch does NOT forgive easily, so good luck with that.
Ugh. I’ve totally had something like this happen, except it was a wind storm blowing off part of the roof and rain falling down the walls like a waterfall. Horrible. I’m so sorry you are having to deal with this. Hang in there!
Haha thanks man! Perfect reading for 2:31 am insomnia… not that it’s making me sleepy, in fact the opposite—how soon can you crank out another hilarious narrative? 😄
Sicilians always throw old stuff out on New Years Day and replace it with new. Supposed to be good luck! Couldn’t walk down the street without playing dodge-a-sofa or worry about getting knocked out by a plate. So, I think you have good luck coming for you!
As for water mitigation. Hurricane Irene decided to drop a tree on my house a few years ago. This led to so much water filling my house and destroying almost everything. On the bright side? I got to make a haunted house for Halloween that year. A FULL HAUNTED HOUSE using my kids and their friends to scare visitors!!! We were on the news, too! Nobody stops at my house on Halloween because you don’t see it being stuffed between two woodsy areas. Anywho, 250+ people got the pee scared out of them!!! BEST HALLOWEEN EVER!!!
See? You have good stuff coming for you!!!
My Catholic friend gave me a blessed Rosary, I’ll ask her for an ‘exorcism 101’ pamphlet to send you along with it. Loove your blog, happy birthday, hugs, etc. May the water demons leave you in peace.
Water demons are the worst! I have had to wrestle with several over the course of our house ownership. The best time was when I was in isolation at the hospital due to a radioactive iodine treatment. The phone rings at 8:00 in the morning and my panicked husband is yelling that there is water all over the kitchen floor. He doesn’t like wrestling water demons because he has a phobia about home repairs and renovations. I am sure that is a thing! Since I was forbidden to leave the hospital because I was well…radioactive, I told him to “HANG UP THE PHONE AND CALL THE PLUMBER!!!!” I then called our neighbor, who is a renowned water demon wrestler and handyman, to go over and help. So although I didn’t actually do the wrestling that day, I guess you can say I made it all happen – kind of like Vince MacMahon of WWE.
Try to think positively all the bad shit is happening in 2017 so 2018 will be an awesome year. But also I would crawl into bed, surround myself with garlic and not set foot outside until after January 1st.
PS how are the cats handling the water invasion?
I am so sorry this happened to you. How you turned a tragedy into a fairly humorous read is beyond me, but that’s why we love you. You bring hope into our shitty lives.
Those water demons, they’re flipping bitches man!
I hope you have a very Happy Birthday in spite of dealing with water damage. My daughter shares your birthday so in honor of that, I am giving her your Rory and Juanita pillow as a gift. She’s gonna love it! Thanks for always putting a smile on our faces!
Well, shit. The water demons have infested my house as well. 3 weeks ago the kitchen sink was dripping. Got the husband to fix it, all was well for 3 days, and then it was no longer a drip, it was a stream. He fixed it again. streaming again. Finally bought a new faucet. guess what? House is too old, can’t fix it without buying a whole new sink and under parts. It took 24 hours without water, but with much cursing and crying to get it fixed.
2 nights ago. My 14 year old son wakes me up at midnight by saying “Mommy? there is something happening” (If I had been more awake, I would have had so many inappropriate comments). I go in the laundry room and water is spraying EVERYWHERE. The hot water heater burst at the seams. right. turned off the water again. to the entire house. Spent 500 dollars to buy a new water heater yesterday and I FINALLY have water.
I hear these things come in 3’s. I’m scared of what breaks next
Sometimes you really slay me!
Omg, I love you! I’m so sorry about the plumbing, but Happy New Year anyway!
I feel your pain. My wife and I just finished dealing with a slow leak under the sink in one bathroom. By the time we noticed it, walls had been damaged, carpet ruined, and I got to know the full power of water demons. Maybe my parents had it right all along by living in apartments my entire childhood.
Because misery loves company: our new and efficient furnace has decided AGAIN that it doesn’t want to work and we will shortly have -20F wind chill. Yesterday (my birthday) my husband asked when I was going to tell him my car was rear-ended. I told him it wasn’t. He then asked how it got the giant holes in the back. Turns out it was so cold (and snowy) that when I backed up on Wednesday morning, I hit a pruned Forsythia bush because I couldn’t see where the driveway was and unknowingly trashed the whole rear bumper of my car. But my stuffed procupine showed up in the mail! So that helped a lot. Will you all help me name him?
Wow, and I thought I had bad luck! I hope everything goes okay for you guys.
On a more positive (or at least I hope) note, HAPPY FREAKING BIRTHDAY! I hope you get everything you want. I love ya.
Now Victor knows he should have let you buy more towels…
If you’re still pondering the washer- maybe the weight of that all-towel load kept the old agitator from moving (or snapped the belt) and the water trapped in the towels didn’t get squeezed out. So when the next rinse cycle started it poured more water in, and that overfilled the machine’s tub.
Or, water sprites.
Your dolls and Peter Pan lamp are OK?
Do you know about Habitat for Humanity’s “Restore?” People remodel for all sorts of reasons and the Restores get a lot of really good stuff. Entire sets of (nice!) kitchen and bathroom cabinets are common. And your money benefits Habitat for Humanity.
I typed in an Austin zip code and here are the stores that came up. https://www.habitat.org/local/restore?zip=78757
In the 1980’s, I was a teenager in my parents home that had a septic tank. Almost every time a heavy thunderstorm hit, the basement windows would flood open with rain and sewage and the bathtub would flood up. Water floods are the worse!
I say you should still call a priest. Can’t be too careful with water demon infestations. Or, alternatively? Fill the broken washing machine with holy water, and agitate… that should do the trick!
I feel your pain Jenny. I must have angered the water god who then sicced all the water demons not involved in your leak onto me. 2 major floods in 2 years girl. Whole downstairs replaced twice (actually just once because we are still working on getting the repairs started from the last time). Water is mean.
That is so true about Habitat’s Restores and they also get still-in-box stuff from stores, and vintage furniture and lighting. I sound like a commercial— the Insta of an LA Store is a scream. https://www.instagram.com/atwatervillagerestore/
I’d cry too, and would probably lock myself in the bedroom until spring.
Why does this sound familiar? Oh wait, this is me and my vehicles – every other frigging month.
One year was the year of water and boxes for me. The apartment flooded twice and each time we had to box things up and move them around until things were fixed. Then I had to pack up boxes and move my office into a temporary office. Then the apartment flooded AGAIN because the neighbor’s water heater broke and apparently they were uphill from us, more boxes, more moving. Then I get back to work after a long weekend to find out the water heater in the temp office went out and flooded my office. The temp office was in a former hotel and lemme tell you that hotel water heaters are HUGE. So again with the boxes and moving stuff. That’s when we found out that the surprisingly cushy carpeting in our temp offices were because it was really 3 carpets with each new one put over the old one which was kind of good because 3 carpets and a pad can hold a lot of water and keep it from spreading. Since it was a temp office the solution was concrete flooring and no drywall along the bottom edge of the walls. Of course after the real offices were remodeled I got to pack up and move offices again, plus we packed up our apartment and moved that year as well. Water demons SUCK!
YES!! PLEASE!!! Kristen Bell starring in the movie (or Netflix series) of “Let’s Pretend this Never Happened!”!!! PLEASE!!!!!
I love how you always turn the shit happening in your life in a great laugh-out-loud post. If this had happened to me I would have had drowned myself in the water already. So, congratulations for not doing that. Also, thank you for great use of Kristen Bell GIFs. She would be proud of you.
Try praying to Poseidon. Your local water sprite may listen to him.
But maybe it’s just a poltergeist. You can’t get rid of those.
Totally unrelated … but wanted to let you know that I purchased two subscriptions to Story Worth through the link in your blog. Thanks for sharing this great idea! Wishing you, and the rest of the Tribe, a healthy, peaceful, New Year to all! (Prosperous would be acceptable, too.)
I am so sorry. I wish you a furiously happy damp yet cheerful birthday, with towels and cake.
If you’ve angered Proteus, Poseidon, Triton or any of that lot I think the procedure is to lounge seductively against a Corinthian column in a long white dress wearing bay leaves on your head and I’m not sure but you might have to have sex with a dolphin. Which might be ok because if the dolphin is Zeus in disguise you will be the mother of gods and goddesses! If you’ve offended Cthulhu on the other hand, I believe you have to squat in the Louisiana swamps carving tentacled monstrosities out of cypress wood and chanting “Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn.” Although I guess it’s permissible at this season to vary it to “Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn and a Happy New Year”.
Bloody hell, sounds like water demons to me. I have a sister-in-law who’s a witch but she’s all the way in LA and couldn’t get to you and get rid of the demons. (She reports seeing dead people so surely she would be able to see water demons? It’s uncertain for sure…) Perhaps some dried garlic around the house would pacify the vampires who have set the water demons to your house? Sorry, love, for realsies, but AT LEAST YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO LAUNDRY!!!
I called the plumber and made him look in the access hole under the bathtub and jump up and down on my bathroom floor because I’m convinced it’s going “spongy”. I also took a hammer to the wall and made another portal for viewing the backside of the pipes just to make sure they weren’t leaking either (they weren’t) There is a nice neat square hole in my closet now waiting for me to put trim and a little board over it. The plumber said there is nothing wrong. I still think the floor feels spongy. One of these days I’m going to be right only it will be bad because being right on this count will be expensive. The floor makes weird sounds when I take a shower.
I’m only here for the Kristen Bell Gifs (with a “J”, please).
Seriously, though, Jenny, this sounds like a fucking mess and I’m sorry this happened to you.
We had a flood in our house the day before my 40th birthday. Pros: new kitchen, new flooring in the living room and basement, newly painted basement. Cons: Having to do dishes in the bathtub for 2 months, all the money it cost, the stress. I hope your water demons can be exorcized with a minimal of cost and stress to you.
hugs Happy Birthday!
I think it’s a good luck to remove broken items and bring in new ones any day of the year.
Happy New’s Year!
“What was that?”
“It sounded like a water demon.”
“I didn’t hear anything.”
“There it is again.”
Happy Birthday! And I’m sorry your birthday is the same week as Jesus. Oh wait. You said that. To me. In a card that I need to buy. From you. I bought myself a clothes dryer last week for my birthday. I didn’t do laundry for 2 weeks. What a gift that was to me from me. New appliances are awesome. Enjoy!
So sorry. But Happy Birthday!
I was taking one of those buzzfeed quizes and your book is there!!! https://www.buzzfeed.com/emilyshwake/gifts-presents-christmas-holidays-return-shopping-quiz?utm_term=.rsqElyRJmA#.ht0bJo92Z1
Maybe check for broken pipes under the foundation? We had water backing up in multiple places and that was the cause. Tried three companies before figuring out the problem. The successful company did a camera test and a water pressure test. (PS- the successful company was NOT Roto Rooter…) Foundations + Texas Dirt = PROBLEMS. (But I’m happy here and I’m not leaving.)
Was there a day recently when you muttered something about drought? Maybe the water demons overheard and they’re actually benign little sprites but really dumb and they thought they were doing you a favor?
Wishing you a Memorable Birthday! 😉
Completely unrelated to this but I just finished reading your chapter on useful post its in Let’s Pretend This Never Happened. I excitedly tell my fiance that there is someone more annoying than me (sorry) to have as a significant other. His reply “I bet she’s not”
I’m so sorry, but I gotta say I’m looking forward t you writing about telling Victor that this means you gotta buy new towels. Lots and lots of new towels. All kinds of new towels…
Sorry about the demonic infestation. I wondered if the Kristen Bell gifs were intentional or not.
Dear Jenny, here in Italy you throw old things out on New Year’s Eve, so as to start the new year clean. I think having the new washer delivered on New Year’s Day is a great idea. I love your latest book and will now follow your blog forever.
Dear Jenny. This isn’t a funny comment but a heartfelt thank you. I just finished reading your second book and it made me laugh so much until the last chapter finally punched massive sobs of relief out of me. You’ve given yet another person a ‘thank God I’m not alone in this’ moment, and for me, on the last day of not a particularly good year, this means the world. Thank you so much.
Maybe it’s like that Doctor Who episode, and it’s just someone come from a puddle of water to take you space travelling for ever? To see really cool stuff?
I want Kristen Bell to really make that TV series she was in at the end of Forgetting Sarah Marshall, about her being a cop animal psychic. Then not only could we watch it and revel in Kristen Bellness, but she could come over to your house and find out what all your animals are thinking. They’d be like, “There IS a water demon in this place! It lives in the plumbing that runs right below the murdered child ghost in the attic!”
Just rent a dehumidifier and drill large hole anywherre you suspect water demon. They fuckking hate that!
I tried a little bit to find a water demon exorcism but the stupid Google didn’t cooperate. So here’s this instead, it’s sort of a “what to do about demons, spirits, and ghosts for beginners” kind of thing.
Just wanted to say thank you for your stories and books. Got one as a new year present, “Let’s pretend this never happened”, which is slightly weird, considering that i gave a second one, “Furiously happy”, to myself as a birthday present slightly earlier this year, so I’m reading it backwards. Which is totally fine, since it’s much more interesting to discover how people ended up like this, starting from the end and finding out in the beginning, knowing how it’s all started. Probably. Anyway, a lot of thanks. I’m sure you read that a lot, but still, your book was inspirational and helped me to get through a lot of things, like it did for many other people. So i am grateful for you creating this, and to everyone involved.)
We had a water demon once. It was eight years ago and I was past my due date with my daughter. I was waiting patiently to go into labor. There was definitely some water pouring out of the washing machine at some point. There were a couple of other water events, the details of which I can’t remember. The one I do remember was the one that left me wondering why the water pooling on the dining room floor was pouring out of the ceiling rather than my crotch. Turns out my 4 year old twins had a massive water fight while in the tub and had flooded the bathroom floor. The next night I went into labor and delivered my daughter the following morning, but the water demon had the last laugh because my water never broke. The midwife was elated to declare that my daughter was being born in her caul, which was fine by me but my husband had no idea what that meant and couldn’t understand why I was giving birth to an alien in a sac. We did have to excise the demon. We told it that it was not welcome in our house and that it needed to leave. We might have burned some shit too to make it go.
We’ve also had glass breaking demons in our house that are responsible for all of the broken windows as well as the dish ware. They’re assholes. Good luck with your water demon.
On the plus side, maybe they will find all of the lost socks that the water demons like to take and never return!
PS, so sorry I didn’t recognise the gif lady….I was like, OMG! Jenny looks fabulous as a blond! Maybe you should change your hair color for your birthday? Then the water monsters won’t recognize you!
This should be over soon! Hang in there! 🙂
YOU have water demons?? I have water demons! For Christmas, I bought myself a pumped out septic tank. I’d been peeing into a waste basket (EEEEWWW!!!) in the interim, and now, even though it’s all over, I can’t get that smell out of my nose.
Nooooooooo! Worst day ever!
And how did I not know about how you’re not supposed to remove things on New Year’s Day?!? I follow ALL the superstitions, and Big Fat Failed that one!!
DUDE it’s Chac Mool. Have you read Chac Mool??
I’ll try to find a pdf and post a link
An English translation of Chac Mool by Carlos Fuentes:
Glad you found your funny bone again. But I left a good one on the 12/18 post comments. Not sure if you ever get to the bottom of these comment threads, or go back… I live for those pings, but mine never reach 184!! Wishing you dry days, and laughs.
I could imagine you tampering with the water supply upstairs because isn’t towels the reason you ended up with Beyonce in the first place? Your life has come full circle and made art in strange ways.
Like I read in a wine review once: “Weird but wonderful.” And it was.
it’s amazing that you perceive the whole situation with humor. This is an absolutely rare quality in our time – easiness. Ahhh, so I can imagine how you saw the whole disaster and said: Can someone call a repairman? And at that time you put your feet on this thing https://www.bestadvisor.com/foot-massager and turned on your favorite TV show.))))) Oh, you are incredible.
Oh my god, this is simultaneously a nightmare (because of the water demons) and a delight (because of the Kristin Bell gifs) and I don’t know how to feel right now.
Actually, I am familiar with exorcisms (from Qabbalah) and have in fact successfully performed one (years ago). Call if you wish.
I came home from work at 1am before and heard water. I thought, who the heck is in the shower at 1am?? Nope. Hot water heater was on the basement spraying water everywhere!
And I thought Supernatural was the reigning winner of “A Gif for everything.” Maybe Kristen Bell is aiming to dethrone the boys. https://goo.gl/images/PGfiKx