It’s the little things, y’all.

in Random Crap, weekly reruns

I was in the bathroom at the movies when someone let out the longest and loudest public fart I’ve ever heard in my life, and everyone went quiet for a second in that way where you couldn’t tell if they were more impressed or concerned and then a small child who sounded maybe three excitedly squealed, “OH MY GOODNESS MAMA. SOMEONE TOOTED SO LOUD!” in the same tone you’d use if you’d just seen Santa Claus and then she laughed so gleefully and her mom was like, “Samantha, don’t laugh” but you could tell that the mom was trying not to laugh too because this kids belly-laugh giggles were unstoppable and contagious and suddenly all of the women in their stalls started laughing and for the first time in my life I felt bad that it wasn’t me that farted, because I have never before witnessed a fart that gave so many such joy.

*******

And on an entirely different subject…

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

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232 thoughts on “It’s the little things, y’all.”

Read comments below or add one.

  3. Good to see you’ve calmed down somewhat from the Floods. I am one of the (I assume) many people who suffer from imposter syndrome. I’m glad to see I’m in good company. And what more can I say about Dorothy Barker – I love everything about her! Happy New Year, Jenny!

  4. Children are great. They can turn awkward moments amazing as well as turn other moments awkward with such ease.

  5. Farts are funny. Or maybe it’s because I’m a Samantha….

    Nah farts are funny

    #nevergrowingup

  6. Years ago at my work I was in the bathroom and someone was vocally grunting and such, until they finally said (loudly) “here comes the chocolate bunny”. I have no idea if they knew anyone else was in the men’s room, but I immediately had to run out to go in a friend’s office, close the door, and tell the story, which had both of us laughing pretty hard.

    (I just laughed so hard I scared the dog. ~ Jenny)

  7. And mine is finally finally finally being able to order sweet heat peanuts. You wouldn’t think it a quest not unlike finding a horcrux-but you’d be very very wrong!!!
    Factory closed-moved and it just took a while….
    Anticipation…you will be mine once more – FRIDAY

  8. You just made the 12 year old boy, who lives in part of my brain, laugh hysterically. And God bless those belly-laugh giggles.

  9. “Magnificently Borken” sounds like the title of the sequel to “Furiously Happy”. Either that, or it’s the name of my new Swedish Chef cover band.

  11. One of the great joys of being around kids is that they allow you to laugh about stuff that your adult filter says “HEY NO YOU, DON’T LAUGH ABOUT THAT”. They give you license to act silly–like singing the “Lime in the Coconut” song in the middle of the Lucky’s produce section silly. Or laughing at farts.

  12. I am both happy and sad that I was not there. I remember being in the supermarket years ago with my 3 yr old nephew, and the guy in line in front of us was tremendously obese. My nephew said, “What does he look like to you?” And I was so afraid he would say something offensive… and he said, “He looks like a cowboy to me!” And indeed, the man was wearing a cowboy hat. I had not noticed because I was obsessing about the guy’s weight. But my little nephew, in his fantastic innocence, saw something much cooler.

  15. That almost makes me want to go out to the movies again (instead of doing my Netflix homework like all good boys and girls should). But… I suspect it might be kinda weird for me to stalk public restrooms eating for the perfect storm of: farts in a crowded room, just the right people to appreciate the beauty of the moment, and no buzzkills who try to offer fart etiquette advice.

    Stalking public restrooms is still frowned upon, right? Its been a few years since I’ve been in the know about these things.

  16. Paula J King I don’t have IBS, but years ago I let an incredibly loud one fly while I was brushing my teeth in the bathroom. I actually scared the cats out of the room, then laughed hysterically. My husband has had some rather eye watering flatulence since getting his gall bladder out. I see purple haze floating in the air sometimes. I need to get him some products from here..
    http://www.flat-d.com/

  18. Not gonna lie, I giggle every time I fart. Especially if I’m two steps ahead of my husband on the stairs. Actually, then I hit the ground laughing.

  19. Bathrooms are weird places. Once I was in the stall trying to get my smallest kid to pee. I started singing him the alphabet song to take his mind off his work. Then the lady in the next stall started singing along with us. She never came out. I wonder if she is still there…

  20. I was in a book store that had a gourmet coffee bar. A kid turned to his father and said “What stinks?” I was so glad someone finally said it.

  23. I work with someone who farts like that and I’m always tempted to giggle but I don’t. And it’s worse when she’s in the bathroom.

  24. I am ROFL along with my Mom. Farting is a great gift from God on many levels for sure! Richard Pryor made a great LP about farting. If you need a laugh, it is a must. But stories like this always bring to mind the great farting contests my Uncles would have under the stars on many summer nights under the stars at the Jersey Shore. Thank you, I needed a laugh today.

  25. Earlier today my boyfriend let out a fart that was horrific. He immediately staring using his coat to fan the area where he farted, which just dispersed the smell all around the room. It was so bad that both of the cats put their ears back and ran out of the room. It was hilarious. 😂

  26. Really this is just more proof that farts are hilarious and awesome. Next time my friend gives me a hard time about how amusing I find flatulence, I’m reading him this.

  28. The first time I met the majority of my now husband’s family, I farted, a lot, noticeably. We were helping put new siding on his sister’s house. All the boys were on the roof working on the second floor, which left his sister and I on the ground, handing things up. Everything was fine until I bent over to puck up some siding and farted. I stood up and pretended nothing happened, my sister in-law didn’t say anything but out of the corner of my eye I see her trying to hold in laughter. This made me laugh, which made me fart which made me laugh and fart in that wonderful machine gun way. She starts laughing loudly which draws the attention of all of her brothers and then proceeded to yell up to them explaining what’s happening and how my butt sounds like their moms. I knew then that my husband was the one. Because his family found farts as funny as I do.

  29. I was once in a public bathroom where a three year old girl wearing a purple tutu, was going stall to stall, bending over to look through the bottom of the door and asking “are you going poo poo?”

  31. Just was reminiscing about my son when he was about 3 announcing to all women in the bathroom: “Mom, you’re POOPING?” (Shouting) Yes honey, everyone poops.(whisper) ARE YOU STILL POOPING, MOM? yes honey please keep your voice down. WHY DON’T YOU WANT ANYONE TO KNOW YOU ARE POOPING? YOU ALWAYS ASK ME IF I AM POOPING. WAS THAT JUST A FART? (oh dear heaven let me die)
    Re: Dorothy Barker being a dick… Adding this to the list of commands to teach my dog. Will have to get a cat first.

  32. The first time I met the majority of my now husband’s family, I farted, a lot, noticeably. We were helping put new siding on his sister’s house. All the boys were on the roof working on the second floor, which left his sister and I on the ground, handing things up. Everything was fine until I bent over to puck up some siding and farted. I stood up and pretended nothing happened, my sister in-law didn’t say anything but out of the corner of my eye I see her trying to hold in laughter. This made me laugh, which made me fart which made me laugh and fart in that wonderful machine gun way. She starts laughing loudly which draws the attention of all of her brothers and then proceeded to yell up to them explaining what’s happening and how my butt sounds like their moms. I knew then that my husband was the one. Because his family found farts as funny as I do.

  33. Was in a washroom at a restaurant a few years back when I loudly farted. It echoed off the tiled walls. My granddaughter, about 4 at the time, says ” that’s all right Granny, your farts smell like roses”. Good thing we were in the stall because I would have peed myself laughing.

  34. Senior year, high school, final exam. Tomb-like silence in the room as students concentrate on the huge test. Someone rips a pretty loud one. The room somehow manages to get even quieter. Then a female voice from the front of the room, one of the popular [naturally-blonde] cheerleaders says, “Oops. Excuse me.”

    And we all just continued writing our essays and bubbling our Scantrons with No. 2 pencils.

    I’m still not sure what to think about that, 33 years later.

  35. I wish my grandma could’ve been there. Growing up, she was forever telling me not to fart and I could never figure how not to. I mean, the fart wants what the fart wants. What can you do?

  38. Farts are funny, and of story. My man is a total prude about farts so I’m the gross, immature one. Lucky for me he has two little boys who agree with me that farts are hilarious so he is outvoted and we will continue to giggle when hear farts in public places.

  41. Pauline Clance, the imposter syndrome psychologist, was on the faculty where i got my PHD. I’ve suffered from it as long as i can remember. When i was in grad school, i kept waiting for someone to tap me on the shoulder and kick me out. I am 67, still working and still waiting for the tap on the shoulder.

  42. The universal hilarity of farts… FSR, never gets old. Good to hear you are laughing!!

  43. I’m glad you found a working (and hopefully, non-leaking) bathroom to use. As we used to say in our family when one of us farted (which was often — especially after meals): “Dinner and a show!”

  44. We were in an Ulta store and my husband was trying to hurry me along and I didn’t understand why. I’m like, leave me alone when he cuts one. Our five year old granddaughter rounds the corner (so cute, dressed all in pink), she points up at him and says ” somebody farted, and it was you! “. He ran out of the store. We still laugh about it to this day, busted!

  45. I used to manage a young men’s clothing store and one of my male employees farted in the tiny closet room behind the cash wrap when I was in there and locked me in. The room smelled like the place where all farts go to die.

  46. The movie/bathroom scene would have been even funnier if after the fact, one by one, voices came from every stall . . . “It was me!” . . . “It was ME!” . . . No, it was me!” . . .

    Safety in numbers . . .

    (I AM SPARTACUS. ~ Jenny)

  47. Oh, man, my four-year-old would have TOTALLY said that out loud and I can’t stop laughing picturing it.

  49. I sometimes fart out loud in a grocery store check out line. I’m usually listening to a podcast and just let rip without thinking. It’s not until I see stares that it dawns on me what has happened.

  50. Have you heard this? Carl Newman wrote it about a bad depressive episode he went through.

  51. Thank you for that lovely, ridiculous post. It’s been the first thing in an hour that’s made me stop crying, crying so hard my body was trembling. I’m feeling so lost and so terribly alone and suddenly I was laughing. I know it’s lies, and there are so many wonderful things in my life, but sometimes that lie is overwhelming. So… thank you. I really, really needed that.

    (You are not alone. Sending you so much love. ~ Jenny)

  52. Thank you so much for sharing. This is exactly the kind of humor that makes me bust out laughing.

  54. Farts are funny. There is absolutely no denying it and the farter and the child are true heroes. I want a comic book about them now. The Farter and The Child.

  56. My girlfriend and I went to my 5yr old Thanksgiving meal at school. An in the middle of the room he is very loudly telling his little girlfriend “I came out of mommy’s vagina, but Avery came out of another ladies vagina!” His teacher and the director lost it!

  58. If you use Chinese fermented black bean sauce in your cooking, and you only need a teaspoon, you will be able to achieve this fart blasting effect everywhere every 5 minutes for 24 hours! It’s stupendous stuff.

  59. Farts are hilarious. My friend’s dad used to say, “A sigh is just a gentle breeze, coming from the heart. But when it takes a downward turn, the sigh becomes a fart.” I love it.

  60. Sooo, maybe an hour before I read this fart post, those of my extended family who live locally and I were playing Quelf. I was laughing and tooted, as one does, which made me laugh harder and brought on another toot which I was trying to suppress, as well as trying not to pee. My efforts were unsuccessful, I fainted and all evidence suggests that I peed myself. Bystanders report that the second toot sounded. So, it is probably healthier to let your fart flag fly!

  61. A raccoon cutout?? I work in a community college library where we made a 3 ft cutout of our boss in his Spock Halloween costume and now he will have a friend. I haven’t been this excited for the mail in a long time!

  62. I giggled reading this. I too was in a public restroom when my next door neighbor let out a loud fart and my 3 year old son that I had dragged into the bathroom with me (yes I still worry about kidnapping and he’s 21 now!) he yells “Mom someone farted!!” and I told him Shhhhh. and all of a sudden the smell came drifting over to our stall and my son looks at me, face wrinkled up and says “I’m out of here!” and crawls under the stall. I couldn’t help but giggle myself. The noises continued for some time and we quickly washed our hands trying to laugh too loudly until we exited the bathroom. Still makes me laugh to this day and your post brought it all back. It’s all natural so why not laugh…..

  63. That is by far the best fart story I’ve ever heard. Given the amount of fart stories I’m exposed to this is quite a compliment. Try not let it go to your head, inflated egos cause gas and the fart story could backfire on you in a less amusing way.

  64. My very prim & proper mother used to get up and leave the room if she had to pass gas.
    Then came the day I learned to make chili.
    She got up quickly and had an unexpected turbo-boost. Enough that the dog looked up in terror.
    Her: “Oh I’m sorry I didn’t mean to fluff!”
    Me: “Mom you didn’t fluff that — you did it just right!”
    Us both: Helpless peals of laughter.

    Thanks for reminding me of that.

  67. Now I want to get a fart machine, or possibly a phone app–although I’m a little scared of what a search for “fart apps” might uncover–and just sit in public restrooms and occasionally let out long, loud sound effects for the amusement of anyone who might be listening in.
    Then I’d have to leave before the other people saw me or they might tell me I should probably see a doctor.
    Yeah, this is one of those things that shouldn’t be forced.

  69. LOL! There have been times when I’ve had to aggressively cover my mouth to stifle my giggles in a public restroom. I, too, have had embarrassing moments but I’ll spare you the details. :o)

  70. This one time I was waiting in a very long line inside Walgreens to fill a prescription, and this mom was there with her hyper and very bored child sitting in the waiting area. All of a sudden he yelled, “Release the hounds!” in this overly fake British accent and then ripped the loudest fart I have ever heard from a child – he was maybe 7 or 8. I was surprised he was still wearing pants after that. Everyone was laughing so hard – EVERYONE. I could not even draw breath to tell the pharmacist who I was when I got to the counter. To this day, it still makes me giggle when I think about it.

  71. The fart story is awesome. Love it.

    For years I expected every review to bring the bad news that my boss was really disappointed in me, that my work just wasn’t up to standard, and that they would have to let me go. Then they’d tell me I’m doing great, keep it up. Even now, 15 years in, my boss can’t stop telling me how valuable I am and what a great job I do, and instead of feeling like my work and skill is getting recognized, I wonder how such a smart woman can be so fooled. Surely everyone else who doesn’t also think of me as a friend thinks I’m a joke, right? Sigh.

    So glad I made myself read the other comments before I wrote about my own Imposter Syndrome experience. You guys are some of the best commenters on the internet.

  72. I wish I would have had a 3-year-old with me during a church board meeting in a small, quiet room. 7 people gathered around a table, going over boring church paperwork. Someone asked me a question and I said “Yes, I have the report right here.” I bent over in my chair to reach my bag and FRAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPP a giant loud fart just pealed out with no warning whatsoever.

    Everyone just sat and stared. I said “Uh…excuse me.”

    Not laughing makes this so much worse than laughing.

  73. My friend and I went to see ‘James and the Giant Peach’ in the theater because we are both still basically children. During a quiet moment in the film, a little boy shouted out “Girls have vaginas!” The entire packed theater cracked up, with the moms laughing even louder than the kids.

    It’s tied for my favorite theater moment with the time we saw ‘Center Stage’ and when Cooper came out on stage for the first ballet performance wearing a giant cup, every 12 year old girl in the audience started giggling uncontrollably.

  75. My girlfriend tends to get a stiff back. When this happens, the best way to get temporary pain relief is for me to crack it. This involves her laying face-down on the floor and me pushing on her back. Well, yesterday, when I attempted this, my first push produced an astonishingly loud and long fart. Her face turned bright red, at first from embarrassment, and then because she was laughing so hard that she could hardly breathe. I had to sit down myself. She kept trying to apologize, but she would start to say something and crack up again, and we’d both be incapacitated for a while. By the time that our giggling feedback loop had finally damped out, our rib muscles hurt.

  76. I don’t know what’s funnier: The exceedingly loud farts coming from my tiny dog, or that he always jumps and looks at his butt in confused surprise.

  77. My daughter did that to me about 19 years ago. Elderly woman in the stall next to us let loose and before I could do anything Samantha (also) screams “She farted mamma, she farted loud” and kept repeating that one line over and over. We peed fast and as we were exiting she’s fussing “but we need to wash our hands!!” I said “Mommy’s got hand sanitizer we’re good!”

  80. My husband is the great public tooter. One day at the water park with our kids, he is sitting on a plastic lounge chair and really let one go. A young couple sitting about 15 feet away looked at each other asking, “Was that you?” I was dying!🤣🤣🤣. Another time in Walmart looking at bikes, he let another VERY stinky one go…just before another couple walked behind us. The man said, “That’s disgusting!” Like he’s never farted in his life.

  82. I just sent this to my wife at work and it made her laugh so hard that she farted too!

  84. As a kid I was not allowed to say the word fart let alone any idea of talking about them.

  85. Once during yoga we were all going into downward dog and somebody cut one. My friend and I started giggling then the giggles became contagious and about 7 of us ended up falling on the floor laughing. It took a hot minute to get the class back on track.
    Also one time I was standing in the kitchen cooking and my boyfriend thought he was being funny and came in and shoved his hand down the back of my jeans to grab my butt. What he didn’t know was I was holding a fart in so as soon as he did that I tooted in his hand. Then I doubled over laughing and he couldn’t get his hand out of my jeans b/c this was the 90’s and high waisted jeans were the jam. He was screaming and cussing and dancing around behind me and I was just crying laughing. That cured him of that little trick.

  86. Just recently, my five year old son was in the bathroom with the door closed. He let one rip – loud enough to rattle the windows. There was brief silence, then he stuck his head out the door and said: “Whoah! Is everyone okay?”

    I just about peed myself.

  88. I became that farter after eating the disgusting Buffalo Wild Wings my brother insisted upon for his bday dinner. It was an amplified bowl fart. It came tumbling out tremendously and triumphantly and then I froze not breathing waiting for the sounds of another soul,terrified somebody had heard the horrible booming. Thank the holy heavens I was alone.

  89. Me, my best friend, her husband and two buddies, attempting to maneuver a tub surround up to the loft space. Very technical stuff involving C clamps, pulleys and leaning over a very shaky iron balustrade. Things go well until the guy in the front farts in our faces. Which makes us laugh, tub surround swinging wildly, We recovered it, but I still see the headline “Five Friends Killed by Fart” in my head.

  90. Before my husband and I were married, we were in a grocery store. He was pushing the cart down the aisle and suddenly he took off. I looked up and he was round the far end of the aisle. Then I smelled it. He’d farted and left me there to take the wrap. He called it the “poot and scoot.” I laughed so hard, I cried.

  91. John Flanagan’s series “The Ranger’s Apprentice” has a prequel series (YAY). To vastly simplify and give no spoilers, a group of fighters are rough camping and bodily noise happens.
    “Better out than in!” the noisemaker says.
    “Not to those of us out here,” is the reply.
    The first thinks, and agrees.

    It is described as a burp…but I AM CONVINCED that it was first written as a fart. And it will always be a fart to me. Because really…rough camping means beans. 😉

  92. Oh, I’m dead. I have abs too. I needed this, because honestly, the weather is so crap lately, I am about to tell Elsa to get a life. But, now I’m screwed, because in the future, if I ever hear someone fart like that in public, I won’t be able to contain myself. And then everyone will hate me.

  95. I managed to buy myself a Fingerlings robot sloth before the holidays so I can play with the grandkids (who am I fooling…I just wanted it!) My favorie thing I can make it do is fart!

  96. My husband had my son in a rest stop bathroom when he was about 3. At that time, my son hated loud noises- loud flushing toilets and hand dryers especially. So while my husband is doing his business, my son (loudly) asks if he was going to make the loud eeeeggggggghhhhh sound (like a long grunt). Cause he hates the eeeegggghhh sound. Please Daddy, don’t make the eeegggghhhh sound. The guy in the stall next to him started laughing as my husband loudly responded, “you mean the hand dryers, right?! I promise no hand dryers”. Don’t think the guy bought it.

  97. My very ladylike German grandmother taught me to say (in her weird Russian-German dialect), “Ver der shmat, hat em Socke”: “Whoever smells it has it in their own sock.”

  99. I’m pretty good at silent but deadlies. I find them extremely useful in stores for creating personal space when browsing. Especially in bookstores. I hate having someone on the same row as me. One simple emission, and I magically have the aisle to myself! 😈

  100. Not a fart story but close. I work in a building with an operator center and our bathroom is of course a multistall type. We had a new temp working in the center and she was a little rough around the edges to put it politely. I was in the bathroom one day and I hear the door fly open and a bunch of shuffling and grunting. I wasn’t sure what was going on until I hear the loudest “plunk” ever heard. I (being somewhere between disgusted and impressed) tried to quietly make my way out of the room. I’m pretty sure she didn’t know I was in there. Then all of a sudden I hear her loudly sigh and almost yell “I think I done sh*t a baby!!!!” And I had to run because I was laughing so hard.

  101. when i was in the air force, we operated from an underground bunker. big, double doors that acted like airlocks. worst thing about this? farts couldn’t find their way out of the airlock.. lingered for hours! some of the guys used to leave ‘fart bombs’ in wait for folks coming in on shift change….

  102. I was overnight babysitting at my nephew’s so he and his wife could enjoy a wedding. Their huge Bernese Mountain dog Grizzley decided my butt was the best pillow. I was stuck under this giant heavy marshmallow…until I farted. Big scramble off the bed and with a heavy sigh, he lay down on the floor. I laughed so hard, the bed was shaking which of course woke their 3 yr old up…. Sigh

  103. I was chasing my husband up the stairs, trying to (de)pants him because he has no ass and it’s funny when he uttered this dire warning: “Watch out! You’re in my fart wake!”. Couldnt get past the imaginary greeen cloud for laughing at the visual.

  105. On the first reading, I missed the word “bathroom” so, I thought, that the person farted in the movie theater! I was aghast!

  106. My brother would fart then shrug, grin and say “There’s more room Out than In!”
    And if ex-partner noticed me farting, he would gently but firmly push down on me to squeeze it out. Which just made me laugh, thinking about it. Never needed help before, but hey thanks for being there for me in my moment of need! #men

  107. What is it about movie theatre bathrooms?
    I was in one with my cousin years ago. While I was in the stall, I heard a LOUD belch. I said, “Nice one, Jen. Did you save some for later?”
    My cousin didn’t reply.
    Few minutes later, I hear her say, “You do know that wasn’t me, don’t you?”

    So, I shamed some woman I don’t know and never saw her face.

  108. Goodness, gracious, great farts of joy!

    Thank you for that. I need to step up my game. Apparently. That would be better than my usual “Hazmat drill”

  109. I laughed until I teared up so much I couldn’t read these comments! So real, so human, so FUNNY!!

  110. Certain members of my family ALWAYS make sure to let us know when they have been farting, so I really got a kick out of this post and the comments from everyone. Thanks for the belly laughs on a gray wintery day- it made my day a little brighter!

  111. When I was a teenager my mother and I went to the mall to shop for a prom dress. As all ladies do, the first thing we did was hit the bathroom as soon as we arrived. The bathroom was a bustling hub so we waited for a stall to open. Mom went first and I went after her. While I was doing the hover move, mom was washing her hands and suddenly the bathroom echoed with the most thunderous fart I have ever heard from a couple stalls down. Without skipping a beat I hear my mother yell my name, “CANDACE RENE!!!” Then she swiftly left the bathroom in muffled giggles. I was mortified she pinned it on me and when I finally left the bathroom she was doubled over laughing outside of the door. We still laugh about this today and I wish I had thought to do it first!

  113. I recently had some accidental dairy. It really doesn’t agree with me and I let out a truly horrific fart in bed. One of my cats jumped up and tried to bury me. She was right to do so…

  114. Welp, I have a doozy for you…my best friends mom had the clapper—you know, from the tv commercials—“clap on (clap clap) clap off (clap clap), the clapper!” Well, she had her tv plugged into the clapper so you could turn the tv on and off by clapping. One day, her aunts were visiting and one of her aunts farted so loud that the tv turned off! I always thought That should be a scene in a movie.

    (Tears running down my cheeks here. Face cheeks, I mean. I thought I should clarify given the subject.~ Jenny)

  115. Beans beans, the musical fruit. The more you eat the more you toot. The more you toot, the better you feel, so eat beans at every meal. I just had to sing that. My grandmother taught me it when I was little. Growing up and then raising children on a farm gives you appreciation of the benefits of a good fart, I guess lol. Im 60 now and can’t wait to teach my grandchildren the “song” (one on the way!).

  116. Not a fart story, but two stories from small children in my store’s bathroom:

    Once, after I’d changed after my shift and was putting on makeup at the bathroom mirror, a grandma and her maybe 3-4 year old grandson come into the bathroom. He goes into the stall, and she holds the door closed for him, and he just lets out this big AHHHHHHH IT FEELS SO GOOD TO PEEEEE and the grandma is absolutely mortified. I’m shaking with laughter, and she is so embarrassed. “Stop it!” “BUT GRANDMA IT FEELS GOOOOOOD!!” and then she apologized profusely to me and I left the bathroom crying.

    Another time, I was in one of the stalls and heard this mother in the handicapped stall yelling at her kid in Spanish, getting louder and louder, and I hear him unlock the door and walk out, and she switches to English to yell “GET BACK IN HERE AND CLOSE THE DOOR!’ “But mommy, I don’t wanna be in there with you!” “THEN HOLD THE DOOR CLOSED! I AM STILL IN HERE!” I had to leave before I laughed and let her know that there was someone else in the restroom. Poor woman.

  117. Once while I was babysitting as a teen, me and my charge were at a public pool. She was the age where she could change by herself but I was nearby in case of a changing malfunction and to dissuade kidnappers. All of the sudden I hear a little metal cover being lifted and my charge exclaimed “LOOK AT ALL THIS LIPSTICK.” To which I immediately shouted “DO NOT TOUCH IT.”

    I don’t think she did, but I will never know for sure.

  118. My perverse brain converted your reply, Jenny, to comment #46 as “I am Fartacus!” Once again reading your blog has made my day. Thank you so much for sharing the gift of your unerring ability to show us there is always a way to find humor and/or whimsy in the most unexpected circumstances and places… Still laughing.

  119. When I was working, there was a teacher who passed gas every single time she was in the bathroom. At first, I couldn’t tell who it was…but then I started noticing the shoes, and when I finally saw her in the hall, and realized who she was…I couldn’t look her in the face anymore! Gross!!!!

  120. On a road trip in late August, I had to pull over on the side of the road to have a pee. Ungracefully I practically fell into a very deep ditch filled with long grasses. I righted myself and finished my business and carried on to our destination. Once we reached the mall my friend and I went into the restroom. I, of course had to make sure that no unwanted visitors from the long grasses had made their way into my undies. Upon checking, I gleefully informed my friend in the next stall “no bugs in my crotch!” To which she quietly replied , “Ummm, we aren’t in here alone.” I paused and then started to laugh – what more could I say – bathroom revelations are sometimes the most honest. I often think what the stranger in the next stall must have thought.

  121. Jenny, you have to have to HAVE TO watch the movie “Swiss Army Man” and you will have a different appreciation for farts. The movie is also known as “The Harry Potter Farting Corpse” movie. It’s dumb and amazing and disgusting and sweet and bizarre and beautiful.

  122. My farting story includes a three-day trail ride and my sister’s farting horse. My poor horse followed that horse up the train both to and from the campsite, nose to tail. Every time my sister’s horse took a step, it farted. It got really funny for a time, and then it wasn’t, and then it was again. I felt really bad for my horse…

  123. Mom was terrified I’d die alone so when I was 26 she gifted me a $95 paperback (that came with a 4 year guarantee) “How to Meet and Marry the Man of your Choice.” Among the nuggets of advice: “If you must pass gas (fart), leave the room. If you must pass gas in a hurry, face him.” And no, I wasn’t married within those 4 years and no, I didn’t return it for a refund. It’s a classic!

  125. Oh, I have too many fart stories to share!! But most direct/unintentional: I was in the police academy many moons ago. We were doing the 1.5 mile timed run, and as usual, I was at the back of the pack, only 2 guys behind me. As I’m running, of COURSE I toot – ok, I foghorn blast so hard my cheeks flapped – because running makes me do that, which is why I avoid it at all costs unless it is required or I’m being chased by something with more teeth than brain. And one of the guys behind me calls, “OH, COME ON! NOW I GOTTA RUN THROUGH IT!”
    I almost fell out of the run, I was laughing so hard and apologizing, and of course the laughing squeezed out another one. And of COURSE I became great friends with the poor dude who had to run through my farts.

  126. I just had the most incredible laughing fit… tears and breathless laughing fit. The best. So many funny responses.

  127. When I was about 5, I was sitting at my grandmother’s kitchen table with her friend, Gladys while my grandmother was busy working at the counter. All of a sudden my grandmother, busy chatting away, lifted her knee and let one rip. It sounded like a trumpet! Gladys’s eyes got wide and round and she shouted, “Phyllis!!… (And I braced myself for my grandmother to receive a set down, until she continued,)…that was positively MUSICAL!!” They laughed until they couldn’t breathe!

  128. My hubby was getting ready for work early AM when I rolled over in bed half asleep and mega tooted. He matter of factly stated, “Honey! Your alarm’s going off!”

  129. Yeah .. so this happened. Years ago, in a stall at work. Juuust sat down when I heard the door open and someone entered the stall next to me. For professional courtesy, I opted to ‘wait’ until she was gone. Stall door opened, water turned on, soap dispenser pumped, splashing, towel dispenser, door opened. Aaahhh quiet and solitude. I’d been holding it in for a bit by this time, so I relaxed and completely let loose. FOUR TIMES. Immediately followed by – well, the main event. THEN THE DOOR OPENED AGAIN and I heard footsteps going down the hallway. Bitch had opened the door BUT DIDNT LEAVE. Is that even legal? She later fessed up and confessed she was having a very hard time trying to laugh quietly, breathe through a paper towel, and make no noise all at the same time. I told her THAT was what she got for being a sneak. We were DYING.

  131. One time I was on a conference call and thought I could get away with a tiny toot without anyone knowing. Only, it turned out to be a HUGE toot which basically sounded like a dying, wailing, Chewbacca. And, EVERYONE heard. And, I’m pretty sure they all knew it was me, too. It. Was. The. Worst. My roommate came running into my office from the living room to find out what happened. I ended up getting “disconnected” because I couldn’t stop laughing and finish the call.

  132. Nothing like a huge fart to break the ice! Reminds me of a time when I was at a conference and the woman next to me sneezed so hard she farted. We all pretended we didn’t hear, but we all did. It was funny!

  133. I don’t have a funny fart story, but I do have a public restroom one: I’m in one stall, best friend and her 4 year old daughter are in the next one, stranger in the third one. Very loudly, Taylor says, “Hey Scoop (my nickname), do you gots hair on your ‘gina like my mom does?” I don’t know who laughed the hardest, me or the stranger in stall 3.

  134. My husband farted one time at work not realizing a co-worker was in the bathroom with him until said Co-worker complimented my husband by saying “Nice tone” 😂😂

  135. It was December, many years ago in TX, but gorgeous crisp fall weather. We were Soldiers, out on a not-very-challenging field exercise, so there was room for a lot of foolishness, as most of us were young and had way too much energy than we needed for our work. In our tent, I happened to be the only female on dayshift, and was treated to the most ridiculous performances each morning as the guys got ready for the day. Of note, I remember one coworker standing on his cot, putting his pants on, singing a song (about whales, iirc), and farting as punctuation/percussion…I was laughing so hard I couldn’t get out of my sleeping bag. Best group of coworkers ever, I spent more time in fits of giggles during that duty assignment than any other time in twenty Army years.

  136. Terry Pratchett is the wonderful British author of Discworld, and he wrote a series including witches. Tiffany Aching was a young apprentice witch to Miss Treason, who was very old and dying. “The important thing,” said Miss Treason, “is to stay the passage of the wind. You should avoid rumbustious fruits and vegetables. Beans are the worst, take it from me.” “I don’t think I understand—” Tiffany began. “Try not to fart, in a nutshell.” “In a nutshell I imagine it would be pretty unpleasant!” said Tiffany nervously.

    Always makes me laugh when I hear other people fart, and I think of witches on Discworld.

  137. When my daughter was about that tender age of 3, we walked into a bathroom at Kohls and someone had been dealing with some serious intestinal distress. I saw her physically slow down as her brain created a comment and out of her mouth came something like, “That is the worst smell in the whole world!” Not wanting to hurt the creators feelings, I as matter of fact as I could muster, said, “Well ladies make bad smells just like men and this is the one place we all say it’s okay.”.

    I do hope that poor woman figured out what the trouble was, because I don’t think anyone is supposed to smell quite like THAT.

  138. A few years ago, my mom (who will be 97 in a few weeks) wiith aid of a walker, was making her way across her apartment at a snail’s pace. She tooted rather loudly and then said, “You’d think that would propelled me a little faster.”

  141. I am currently stuck on an over full MARTA train after the heartbreaking UGA game and trying to save off a full blown claustrophobic panic attack, and this story made me LOL and relax so THANK YOU I LOVE YOU FARTS FOREVER GOODBYE.

  142. That happened to me my first year of college. I was at a very small Catholic college in an advanced creative writing class with a teeny little nun professor. All of a sudden someone let out a fart that was so loud you were looking to see if the door had blown off. It was dead silent for a minute and then there were snickers and then someone said, “excuse me!” And the class erupted and the little nun just proceeded as though nothing had happened, all but daring anyone to laugh!

  143. So this….this is my worst nightmare. I am a delicate flower who neither farts nor poops. And yet I am like that small child who will giggle uncontrollably when someone else does. I can talk about vaginas, childbirth, and periods. I can talk about OTHER people’s farts and poop. But I cannot and will not admit that I myself, fart and poop. Because I don’t. I don’t even understand my issue with this, but I do, in fact, own it. It is part of who I am and now I embrace it.

    I was with my late husband for 12 years. I never even KNEW people could just fart so openly. And so proudly. One night, after our first son was born and sweetly sleeping in a bassinet next to the bed, my darling husband let one rip….and a few seconds later started gagging. And coughing. And then choking…and leapt out of bed to run to the bathroom where he proceeded to wildly vomit…about the time he was leaping out of bed, the noxious odor slapped me in the face and I thought I would die. I too began coughing and choking and struggling not to throw up, hanging over the side of the bed, unable to go anywhere because HE was in the bathroom, throwing up….and I remember that in the midst of thinking I was going to die…OMG- THE BABY!!! HE IS GOING TO KILL THE BABY!!! But I was struggling to keep my body under control and could not move…..and I wondering how I was going to explain the fact that we killed our newborn by fart.

    The one and only time I ever passed gas in front of my husband, I had a colonoscopy. And if you have ever had one, you will know that they fill you will gas and at the end of it, you will fart. There is no stopping it. You also are not allowed to eat before a colonoscopy and I don’t do well without eating. I woke up from the anesthesia and immediately sat up demanding food. Obnoxiously demanding food. And every time I moved, more farts would come out. My husband was struggling not to crow about the fact that I was farting because he knew I was a delicate flower and was quite upset with the fact that I was farting in public and because I was already angrily demanding food (I told the nurse to go get her lunch and share it with me….). I think, mostly to distract me from the food, he finally made a comment about the farts, to which I primly replied “They filled me with gas. Those aren’t mine. Those are fake, manufactured farts and they do. not. count.” He attempted to bring it up once….and never again.

    Thank you so much for this and all the people with the comments. I needed both the laughter and these memories tonight.

  144. My husband let loose a silent but violent one on a plane recently – the tourists two rows behind all of a sudden started talking loudly and flapping of hands. He was most pleased!
    I’ve banned him from beans 24 hours before flying

  146. When my niece was 3 she and her mom were in the bank waiting in line and she noticed the big clock up on the wall and while jumping up and down excitedly yelled as only a three year old can, “MOMMY COCK! COCK MOMMY! WOOK AT COCK!!” My sister-in-law said she wanted the ground to open up and swallow her whole.

  147. My husband and I were traveling from San Fran to Charlotte a few years ago, and we got upgraded to business class — a first! We boarded the plane so excited by our good fortune on a relatively long flight. Once in the air, a man across the aisle from us started letting them rip. These were not normal farts— they came from what smelled like a decomposing body. We giggled the first few times and then it became apparent that our nose space would be violated every 5 minutes for the entire 5 hour flight. We buried our heads in airline blankets and our own clothing but those farts infiltrated everything. Another man sitting in the window seat on his side managed to get reseated but he took the last open seat in coach and the rest of us were forced to suffer. After talking to the man with zero results, the flight attendant found a bottle of air freshener and literally stood over him, spraying it on him every time he farted. Like, aggressively spraying it— a good 10 seconds of floral fragrance for every single fart. The poopy rose smell was almost worse than the farts alone, and on the way to the bathroom, a little boy and his mom passed by us. The little boy wrinkled his nose and said, “mommy! Why does this part smell like the bathroom after daddy uses it?” We have never been so happy to get !off an airplane before. We couldn’t get the fart smell out of our fleece jackets and ended up throwing them away

  148. That is hilarious! I would have been laughing before the kid’s beautifully phrased comment, but after? I would have been on the floor unable to breath! When something is funny, the laughter can not be contained. A million years ago in grade school, Catholic school shudder, we had to go to church three days a week. On one such day, expertly timed during a pause between hymns, someone let one go and it was LOUD. Apparently solid wooden church pews are terrific amplifiers for farts!(I encourage you all to test this) It was so loud that it echoed through out the entire church! Everyone busted up laughing…EVERYONE…the kids, the teachers, the alter boys, and even the priest! After what seemed like ten minutes, everyone settles down and the organist starts the next song. No one ever admitted to it, no one ever brought it up.

  149. The reason why I hate going to the gym, i am always afraid of something like this happening and there are no little kids to break the ice, just people trying to figure out who it was.

  151. My grandma would get horrible gas as she got older, and the older she got the less she cared about it. At some point, she started getting walking farts (little toots that would come as she pushed her walker across the room) and she’d just start muttering about “the little froggies” that had snuck inside. A year ago new years eve my grandma passed, and this would have made her laugh too. Thank you!

  152. @becoming cliche, I’ve also been a public bathroom singer. My daughter was four and didn’t want anyone to hear her poop so I started singing Tom Paxton’s At the Quarium. There was definitely giggling from others in the restroom but it did the trick. 😉

  154. I once farted so loud and so long, in my sleep, that it woke me and my husband up and caused him to run to the bathroom gagging! I still giggle over that!

  156. When I was a senior in high school, I was dating this ridiculously good-looking boy for a time. Like, to this day, I still don’t know why he picked me good-looking. One afternoon, after classes finished, I had told him to meet me outside the school in the courtyard near a snack bar we had on campus. I had had such a horrid day, and was soooo happy to see him, I started running towards him. I ran up, and he grabbed me & picked me up, swinging me around like we were in a silly rom-com. AND…. he squeezed it out of me. A really loud, rather long fart. There were like 6 people there who heard it. I was mortified and I must have turned 18 shades of pink. He put me down, and very calmly said, “I’ll come back when you’re feeling better” and walked away. (Sidenote: We dated for another few weeks afterwards, but I never felt entirely comfortable around him again.)

  157. A year ago last fall my husband was on a neuro ward following his third surgery for brain cancer. He was much more altered and affected than expected given that this was a new, minimally invasive procedure. My son and I were in his room with him wondering if we were equipped to bring him straight home versus rehab. Kind of somber and upsetting situation. Then his roommate (altered, probably addicted and homeless guy) lets out a looonnnggg loud fart followed by a satisfied “ahhhhhh”. And another one. And another one. Next 10 minutes were punctuated by his noisy toots. All 3 of us were howling! Hilarious!

  158. Reading these comments just reminded me of one of my favorite stories about my late grandmother. When I was around fourteen years old, I lived in a rental home with my mom, my brother and my stepfather. My mom’s parents were up for a visit with us and telling us stories about their recent travels. (We used to be subjected to slide shows that lasted for hours as they recapped every detail) My grandmother was a tiny woman who loved being pampered and was very conscientious about appearing prim and proper. So there my very proper and mannered grandmother is sitting on the couch when suddenly she lets rip a very loud and amazing fart. “Mother!” my mother exclaims in shock. And my grandmother very calmly looks at my mother and replies “What? I am just showing the grandkids how it is done.” and proceeds with the conversations while my brother and I are dying on the floor with laughter.

    Years later she would deny this story but I loved her all the more for it 🙂

  159. I have two crazy dogs who go absolutely ape shit every time a loud truck, car, whatever drives by the house. They get up from wherever they are or whatever they are doing, frantically run to the front window, and maniacally bark at the offending party until they are satisfied that they have scared it off. I also have a one month old son with wicked gas. The other day he farted so loudly that the dogs got up, ran to the front window, and started their whole barking routine at my baby’s fart.

  160. Are we sharing fart stories? Oh well, then, let me tell you about my farter—I mean, my father. He’s immensely proud of his ability to expel gaseous fumes, particularly after consuming the cheapest beers because of course, those make for the worst offenders. One night, while we were all playing Trivial Pursuit as a family, my teenage boyfriend (and amazingly, eventual first husband) in attendance, my dad was asked the question “How many horses pulled Diana’s carriage to her wedding to Prince Charles?” or something like that.

    Dad, while thinking, farted four times. That turned out to be the correct answer.

  161. My mother-in-law is what I would call a “conversationalist farter”. As in she farts in public mid conversation, without even batting an eye. I myself however, have a different problem. I cannot contain my laughter when someone farts (this ‘love’ of farts started at a young age!). This has created several awkward dinners where I’ve had to pretend to choke on food and leave the table to laugh by myself in the bathroom, until I had children. Now they just go “Eww Grandma! You just farted!!!!” and laugh out loud, so I am finally allowed to laugh along with them because I was just holding it in until someone else said something.

  162. When I was a teenager and easily mortified, I was sitting next to my father who was officially recording a public concert and wearing earphones so he could keep tabs on how the recording would turn out. Because of the earphones he couldn’t hear himself when he lifted first one butt-cheek, then the other, farting loudly during a very quiet passage of a Chopin piano Nocturne. Everyone around me worked hard to stifle their giggles, but me, I wilted in shame. Now of course it just makes me laugh to remember that.

  163. My mom is one of those ladies that believes a lady should absolutely deny that she would ever poop or fart… and she would NEVER do any of the above in public.

    When I was maybe 8 or 9 years old, my mom, dad, and I went shopping on Black Friday. We were in a Sears and it was completely packed. Mom was browsing and my dad and I were just hanging out with her, waiting. She got flustered over a price and the next thing we know, she lets out the loudest fart I’ve ever heard. If that weren’t bad enough, it was the grossest, stinkiest fart in the history of farts. Like I expected to see a green cloud float up around her. Mom automatically yells “it wasn’t me!”

    Needless to say, she wanted to leave the store immediately. Dad and I laughed for hours and still bring it up to this day.

  164. I still remember one I let rip when I was in elementary school. I was in gym class, we were doing sit ups and another girl was holding my feet. Because it was in the gym it echoed forever. Fortunately it was loud but not too fragrant. We all blamed it on the kid that nobody liked.

  167. Not about a fart, but… once on a family outing at a state park, I took my kiddo to the restroom for a diaper change. There was a young boy in one of the stalls who suddenly exclaimed, “It’s green! I can’t believe I pooped green!” He was super excited about this green poop, and I heard grandma (or whoever he was with) trying to shush him. When the toilet flushed I heard him wistfully say, “Bye, green poop.” I giggled the entire time.

  170. The best fart I have ever had was under the covers while my cat was there. She literally crawled out of the covers gagging. I can never top that. A fart bad enough to make a cat gag!

  171. Good Lord. I just laughed so hard I got a nosebleed. I may die from this thread! And won’t yall just laugh harder when I do!

  172. Hi Jenny! Any chance you can do a special on ‘Furiously Happy’ on Amazon.ca? We weren’t able to purchase it from Amazon.com if we live in Canada.

  175. My sister and I made a trip to Greece and went on a day trip to Delphi. As we were nearing the top a man in front of us farted really loud. And I said, are you ready “The oracle has spoken”! We practically rolled down the hill laughing.

  176. When my cousin and I were little, we were in a public restroom when someone in a stall let out a horribly terrific fart… we stood outside their stall and sang “Plop, plop, fizz, fizz. OH what a relief it is!”. My Mom screamed at us to get out… we got in so much trouble.
    Now I think of that woman in the stall having a bad bathroom experience while two little assholes are singing that chirpy song….
    No wait, still funny. Bwahahaha

  177. To understand this pun, you have to know that, in French, a fart is a “pet.” My uncle was at church, and let one go. The lady behind him looked a little scandalized, so he turned to her, put his finger to his lips, and said “ne le répète pas” (ie., don’t repeat it).

  178. My husband took my son, Michael, to the Red Sox when he was little. Michael had to go to the bathroom so my husband waited for him outside the stalll. When Mike was done he said to my husband “Dad, you have to see this one”. My husband, laughing and dying of embarrassment was like “no need, I believe you , let’s go”. Mike was insistent “no, dad you really need to see this, it’s the biggest one I’ve ever seen”. Finally, as the rest room was now laughing my husband open the stall door -“ look dad! It’s the biggest role of toilet paper I’ve ever seen”. 😂

  179. Wait ’till you’re old; you’ll be the tooter…like every single day…something to look fwd to, kids!

  180. As a nurse I have a number of fart stories (I could probably write a book about just farts/and poop) any way I was camping with some coworkers and one woman admitted that “That one night when you had everybody looking under patient,s covers for who done it” it was actually just a fart and it was actually her.

  181. That could have been me, this weekend. I tooted so loud quite a lot this weekend. Not all of them were dry or airy, either. TMI?

  182. When my nephew was little he would say “Oops, I squeezed a noise!” when he farted. He’s 13 now. I’m sure he’d be mortified to know I’m telling this story to the internet.

  183. My husband’s parents own, along with my father-in-law’s brothers, a small cottage in Michigan’s upper peninsula. When my husband and I were newlyweds, we spent a week with them in the cottage, on the lake. Think knotty pine, one small bathroom, no insulation between bedrooms, just the knotty pine paneling. Our bedroom was next to theirs.

    One night, after we’d all gone to bed, my husband and I were slowly drifting off when we heard his father say, “Are you gonna choke on that?” We both tried to not laugh out loud, but the bed was old and squeaky. We were trying to stay quiet, but my mother-in-law replied, “What? It was just a little fluffy…” At which point, we lost it and laughed loudly. She was embarrassed, but was a champ. We still tell this story and tease her with it 15 years later.

    —————————————

    My father is a proud farter. My mother, when she was alive, used to say she did not know how to fart until she married him. He is notorious for silent but violent farts. When my parents were newly married, they shared a car. My mom would drive him to work, he’d exit the car, ripping a horrid fart and then close the door, and saunter into work, proudly.

    I think his favorite thing to do is leave a silent, noxious one in the grocery store. I learned at a very early age never to be downwind of him in the grocery. They’re like the worst surprises. You think you need olives, but no, you need a new nose and some eye drops.

  184. My mom once farted so loud, the dog ran over and stuck his nose right in her butt crack to find where the sound came from. Right now, I’m sure my mom’s ashes are going to kill me in my sleep tonight for sharing that online, but even she thought it was funny at the time.

  185. When my youngest was 3 or so, we were grocery shopping. He was obsessed with whoopie cushions, and found one at the grocery store. I told him we could buy it – and oh, the joy! He was young enough/small enough to ride in the front of the cart – and he insisted on holding his new prize throughout the whole store. And, setting it off repeatedly. Because I am immature, I decided to play along. Every time he would squeeze, I would look around in mock horror, widen my eyes and say in a super prim voice “Oh my goodness! Excuse me!!” And he laughed and laughed and thought that was the best game. We did that up and down all of the aisles in the store and had the best time – until the last aisle, when we rounded the corner to find a SUPER scandalized older lady there. She had heard us coming, and I’m sure thought I was the worst mom ever. My boy – always willing to share some joy – saw her “mean” face and held up his whoopie cushion and said in the happiest voice ever – “Look! We have a FARTY THING! WANNA TRY IT?” And…she lost it. As did I. Kids are awesome. 🙂

  186. Farts are hilarious, and all these stories have me laughing so hard I’m crying! I have a funny belch story from college (and yes, I was the belcher, little delicate me) but the funniest farts I’ve been around were animal farts. As in, “Oh, God, Rusty farted! RUN!” and we all would leave the room ASAP. He was a darling doggie but I swear those farts were visible and smelled worse than death! And once in a while my gorgeous tortie cat produces these amazing stenches…

  187. I try not to fart in public but sometimes it happens. At night, however, I constantly dutch-oven my dog! 🤣 There have been times when it’s so bad, she jumps off the bed, shakes her head and runs away!

  188. Farts are funny! That reminds me of a time when my daughter (5 or 6 at the time) and I were in a bathroom stall at McDonalds, and a green cloud was creeping into our space from a neighboring stall. My daughter exclaimed in her outside voice, “Mom, what’s that SMELL?!” Needless to say, I was MOR-TI-FIED. I think the stink maker was ready to crawl under the terlit and expire at that moment. I know I was.

  190. As someone who recently visited a public restroom and has a 3-year-old, this (embarrassingly) could have been me.

  191. When I fart my dog gives me offended looks and leaves the room.

    Once, my mom and I were in the kitchen and I farted. We looked at each other and casually strolled out of the kitchen into the living room, passing my father on the way. He walked into the kitchen, and we made tracks!

  192. My 2 y/o has developed a fascination for the plunger, and has taken to shouting whenever we go into a bathroom for any reason, “mommy, do a poo! Use the plunger! Poo too big!” 😬💩

  193. I woke up from a dream one time laughing. It was the most joyous thing to wake up in pure laughter. In the dream, my brother was singing, I’m Popeye the Sailor Man” in which every line ends in a double toot by a horn. His version, the toot, toot instead were two perfectly sounding farts.

  194. Shoe shopping for shoes for my mom to wear at my wedding. My dad came to the shoe department, let’s one rip, walks away yelling my name and saying how disgusting I was. Left the store immediately

  195. One time my husband and I had gone to bed. He was reading and I was sleeping. I woke up to a terrible stench and yelled out “you pig!” Turns out I had farted, woke myself up, and blamed him!

  196. I was at the Renaissance Fair with my parents (I was in my late teens or early twenties) and were sitting on the benches, watching one of the performances. I suddenly noticed that the bench kept on rumbling, I looked around to figure out what it was and looked over towards my parents. My mom had the most horrified look on her face and I realized it was my father’s farting that was vibrating the bench. Now, at that age I was torn between total embarrassment and laughter. Now its pure laughter. I quite often tell my father that he doesn’t actually walk, he just farts and gets propelled around.

  197. My father is fluent in flatulence, and man do I have some stories. He has farted at my brother, farted at my cat, farted while I was hiking behind him, (accidentally) farted on my mother, crop dusted a wide variety of stores, bombed out the bathroom both at home and at work, and you better believe he taught my brother and me the same. Well. My partner and I now live together and fart quite freely (which led to a comment along the lines of “I love the way you fart after your morning stretch”, directed at yours truly), but while we hadn’t been dating long, I would anxiously wait for him to get up and pee after I spent the night so I could roll over and release the ample gas that had built up overnight. You should have seen the look on his face when I admitted to that a year later!

  198. One time, when I was extremely pregnant with my son, my friend and I were in a Hallmark store. I accidentally farted loudly. Then, I started laughing so hard that I peed my pants… except I was wearing a dress. I was tempted to run out of there saying, “my water broke!”

  199. Exploring the Mesa Verde National Monument with my parents many years ago, I was much more into climbing the ladders in and out of the rooms. While I was a bit distant from them, I heard my mom start laughing quietly then gradually losing control until she was laughing really loudly. I backtracked and asked what was so funny. My VERY prim and proper mother tried to explain without using actual words, “Your father is experimenting with jet propulsion”. This made my dad start laughing which caused more farts. Tears were running down all our faces, but we had to rejoin the guided tour. Just about everyone else in the group was laughing too.

  200. Years ago… my boyfriend was outside at this house speaking to his uncle about whatever. I was walking down a sidewalk toward them when Uncle doubled over with a pained shout of, “Gross! Now I have to breathe that!!” It didn’t take much insight to ascertain that my bf had just passed gas, and was smiling awkwardly after being loudly called out in earshot of his girlfriend. Without breaking stride, as I neared them both, I inhaled as deeply as I could, making it look like the biggest sniff — and then let out a loud, satisfied, “AAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!” Boyfriend doubled over in instant laughter, Uncle’s horrified expression increased exponentially, and, thankfully, I didn’t actually smell anything; it was all show. But I’m pretty sure that in that instant, I won the day. 🙂

  203. Farting and then laughing or laughing and then farting. Both make for some funny moments and great stress relievers.

  204. Ah, the hilarity of farts! Some time before Christmas, I discovered this card game for kids called “Gas out” that contains a llittle green gas cloud with a face that makes really loud and long farting noises when pressed. I decided to give it to my brother as a Christmas gift and ordered it online. When I went to pick it up at the post office, the lady at the counter put down the package and the little cloud inside ripped a massive fart. The lady stared at it in horror, went beet red and hastily assured me that this had been the package – not her. I found this absolutely hilarious.. However – not for long! When I sat down in the tram and put the package down next to me, it farted again REALLY loudly and everyone was staring at me. 😀

  205. We were at a rest stop this summer and I was trying to change my 2 year old’s blowout diaper in a bathroom stall. Mid change he peered under the stall door and asked the poor unsuspecting traveler next to us “who’s tooting?” Kindred spirits.

  206. I have two dogs, one small and one larger. The little one likes to snuggle with her head laying in my lap, if I pass gas she will look at me in disgust and turn around completely and face the other way. Our bigger dog (lab mix) is fairly new to our house and not really lap sized but she tries. So it finally happened. She was laying between my legs with me in the recliner and her head on my lap. I toot. She sticks her snoot in and takes a big sniff! I’m like, “danger will robinson! No do!” The dog looks up at me with eyes watering, kind of sighs and lays back down. Oh man, no love like a dogs love.

  207. I poop easily…that’s my line when people try to scare me. You scare me, you clean me up too. I have colon issues. Once in a while, my farts turn into sharts…shit before fart. I. Am. Mortified. When this happens…because I never know. I end up running to the bathroom a lot because I never know if it’s a false alarm…just a fart. And if I get blamed for a fart that I didn’t do my reply is “did you hear me giggle? Because mine tickle when they come out”

  208. I think the highlight of my early marriage was when my husband farted in bed and tried to pull the covers over my head. Tried, because I caught it and put the covers over his head, instead. He was laughing and crying as he ran to the bathroom, trying not to puke. It was Perfect. 😀

  210. Two stories: 1. brought my then 3 year old into a bathroom, in which a woman was making a bit of stink. My daughter started yelling: “Oh, my! What is that SMELL? It’s TERRIBLE! Mom, MAKE IT STOP!” I wanted to die.
    2. I was in a public bathroom once and someone ripped a major fart. Long, with lots of toots. Long pause and then the “tooter” burst into song: “76 trombones led the big parade, with a hundred and ten cornets close at hand.” The whole bathroom erupted in laughter.

  211. Oh man, so much wonderfulness here! I’m going to add one of my personal stories, hopefully it will help me heal and move on😉 My son was born last June and I had him at home in water, which was wonderful and everything went so well! However, I ate at Buffalo Wild Wings the night before he was born…pregnant women in their third trimester should NEVER eat there! So yah, I’m in the tub and it’s time to push, which is like pooping, right? Pushing is weird. Anyway, I farted and I promptly told one of the midwives and I remarked that it was pretty stinky, and then she caught a whiff and wholeheartedly agreed with me. Whatevs, right? I’m having a baby, no bigs. But then I poop, also normal, but this is Buffalo Wild Wings poop, so it’s not normal, and it won’t stop! That little fish net my midwife had to clean out the poop? Yah, not cutting it. When my son was born, he was immediately taken out of the water, because it’s really just shit soup at this point, and this is where he and I bonded for the first time. But I have to say, after he was born, I basically forgot about the poop until my midwife asked if I wanted to take a shower because, her words, I had just simmered in shit for two hours. Aw, memories.

  212. When I was 13 or 14, we were shopping at our local mall with my 14-month-old cousin in tow. She was toddling through the clothing racks playing a bit of “peek-a-boo” when I smelled the tell-tale signs of a full diaper. As I tried to coral her, she thought it was part of our game and started running. I hustled after her. I was within scooping distance when her smelly turd fell out of her diaper (she was wearing a dress) and onto the floor of Macy’s….where I promptly stepped in it. When you accidentally step in dog shit, what do you do? You drag your foot to get it off. And yes, that was my first reaction to this as well, effectively leaving a long, fresh turd trail on the carpet. Keeping it classy.

  213. Two quick Stories: One) For some reason I was for a long time one of those folks who didn’t fart funny, and I thought folks who did were juvenille. It would have been handy had this not been the case when my IBS would act up, but people finding it funny just irritated me. Then when I was pregnant with my oldest, it was just a fart-a-thon. And my husband joking about it just pissed me off, then one night at dinner it was just really bad, like sketch comedy bad, a little concert of farts, short, long loud, and this time I starting laughing I think out of nervousness or embarrassment. And then he laughed, and we were off to the races setting each other off and giggling. It was like a conversion, farts have been funny to me ever since.
    Story two) So my daughter was a very self possessed toddler. Happy but had a way of seeming much older than her years-like a tiny little old lady. One night she’s sitting in her plastic booster, and farts loudly (I don’t think you can otherwise on a big piece of plastic), and she says with enormous earnest for a two year old “Sometimes my butt does that, and then I feel better.”

  214. Ha ha! Kids are the real deal!

    This reminds me of a friend’s child who started using the “F” word; her mother scolded her and told her good girls don’t use that language.

    After the little girl was reformed, she and her mother were at the grocery store, and the girl was helping her mother load up the conveyor belt at the check out. The cashier complimented the helper and said, “What a good girl you are!”

    The little girl beamed and replied, “Yes, I am a good girl now, and I don’t say fuck you!”

    Good stuff!

  215. When my MIL died, we were going through her things at her house. We found a couple things that suddenly turned the room very quiet. My BIL gets up and walks to the living room window and lets out this squeakiest fart ever! We all burst out laughing. At least we had something to laugh at during a really difficult time.

  216. My husband is like pre-zombie Ed in Shaun of the Dead – “I’ll stop doing it when you stop laughing.” So special.

  217. I have actually tooted, that loud, and in a public rest room. I was mortified and grateful there was no one like Samantha there. My son on the other hand… text me when he cleared the library during finals week due to an SBD. I was so proud.

  218. My roomie in college became a 3rd grade teacher and often SHE would fart in her classroom and one day a little boy raised his hand and asked if if she could PUH-LEEEESE tell whoever that is with the bad gas to please stop so she had to STRAIGHT UP look at her class and sweetly and firmly DO EXACTLY THAT WITHOUT LAUGHING.

  219. I once farted both loudly, and for a strangely long time, while orgasming while my husband was performing oral sex on me. Yep. It doesn’t get classier than that!

  220. strangest fart story; crowded bathroom, 8 stalls of people farting and s–ting as if there was an epidemic of food poisoning.
    over everything I hear–
    stall 3 woman – “So Jill, where do you want to go after we finishing shopping?”
    Stall 6 woman- “I can’t hear you too well.”
    stall 3- “I can hear you just fine, where do you want to go? are you hungry for lunch?”

  221. When I was in junior high I went on an excursion to a pottery factory but for some odd reason there was a car museum as part of the pottery place. Whilst we were looking at the cars I did a sbd (silent but deadly fart) a group of boys ran up to the car I was looking at just after and then started accusing each other of the deed. It couldn’t of been me because girls don’t fart. I drifted silently away smirking.

  223. This sentence: and for the first time in my life I felt bad that it wasn’t me that farted
    made me out-loud-laugh.
    It’s the fart that keeps on spreading joy, all the way to Cleveland, OH.
    That. Is New Year’s Magic.

  225. As my grandmother used to say, more room out in the great wide world than there is in my little belly.

  227. My 7 year old son just read this and laughed so hard that it made me and my husband start laughing. This fart will go down in giggle-history.

  228. As my loving husband (an epic farter) says: farts are silly, farts are fun, farts are shit without the mess!
    (To be honest, not always fun, especially to the fart-ee…)

  229. Apparently, my inner three year old must be making herself known, because I think farts are HILARIOUS! So glad someone’s toot was able to bring y’all together. Flatulence makes the world go ’round.

  231. One time my sister and I were driving in her van through a state park. We’d been on the road a while and I said let’s stop, I need to pee. She says, “Me too,” and pulled Into a secluded camp site, and we hopped out. I was wearing a skirt so I pulled down my drawers and squatted down to pee, but kept losing my balance. We both started giggling and she says, “I’ll show you how it’s done,” and pulls her pants down, squats and grabs onto a volley ball pole anchored into a tire with cement. What she didn’t know was that pole wasn’t in the ground; she grabbed the pole, the pole flipped back and she flipped over, ass over tea kettle and let a big fart fly. I laughed so hard, I fell in the puddle of pee. We both laughed till we cried; to this day, she swears she didn’t fart but we both know she did.

  232. My three year old dressed in his spider man costume, mask and all.
    I was using the toilet. He says, “ Don’t worry mommy Spidey man doesn’t have a nose.”
    😳

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