So last week I wrote about a free 14-foot-tall-baby on craigslist and I was totally in but then I realized that I had to go to New York to pick up the baby in person and Victor won’t even let me eat donuts in his truck so I was pretty sure that he’d be pissed if I strapped a baby to the roof.
But then a ton of people were like, “Let’s break this down into a tiny routes and pass this baby on like a goddam Olympic Torch until it gets to your house” and I was totally in but before that could happen this came across my twitter feed last night:
Long story short, I think a dingo took my baby.
And that dingo? Was Stephen Colbert.
Conclusion: I think Stephen Colbert is my long lost father, which means that this 14 foot giant baby I was trying to adopt is now my brother. Family is weird, y’all.
*******
And on an entirely different subject…
Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):
Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:
- Unsold Xmas decor: So…there’s a long appendage sticking out from between Bumble’s leg that shoots out white stuff when you turn him on. It’s not just me, right?
- Damn good company
This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Operation Delta Dog. Each year, more than 75,000 dogs wind up homeless in Massachusetts and New Hampshire alone. Operation Delta Dog is a a 501(c)3 nonprofit organization committed to solving both of these problems. The mission is simple: rescue shelter dogs and train them to be service dogs for veterans with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI), and related challenges. If you are a veteran within Operation Delta Dog’s service area, you can apply for assistance here. And if you’d like to help the organization continue to be able to provide dogs totally free of charge to veterans, you can help by contributing here. You can also follow along on Facebook for cute dog pictures! They are awesome and you should check them out.
He can’t be your father because he didn’t bring home a bobcat. And you are definitely the daughter of a man who would bring home a bobcat. So he’s obviously your father’s long lost brother, which means that’s your cousin!
Sorry your baby was stolen.
Unless you have REALLY tall ceilings, where would you put the 14-foot baby? I don’t know how long foam would last outdoors. Maybe I’m just too practical. Maybe you should call Stephen Colbert and see if he will let you visit your brother.
I forgot just how funny you are. Make me laugh out loud.
Maybe Stephen bought it just for you, and he’s going to strap it to the roof of his vehicle and drive it to your doorstep! Because THAT would make it less weird that you both HAD to have the same giant gold baby!
So where is the baby now?
Maybe he got it as a gift for you.
I think you need to send Stephen Colbert a copy of these blog posts so he knows that he’s your giant baby’s “baby daddy” now. (BTW, as cool as SC is, I think your actual dad is even cooler. But don’t tell him.)
Maybe he also bought the giant golden chicken you saw while Victor was out of town…
Colbert muttering to himself… “I’ve got a golden chicken…”
Maybe a dingo stole your baby?
A BABY STOLE YOUR DINGO!
So is the baby on the move? Maybe it’s heading your way via the Dingo? Let’s hope so for the sake of the baby.
But was your baby gold…maybe he had it painted so you wouldn’t know it was yours?? And I always loved that line…about the dingo stealing the baby…
I think you need to tell him to give that baby back. It so clearly belongs with you.
I think Stephen Cobert wants to be like you. That’s why he took the giant baby! It’s a compliment! 😉
Can you please please please make a mug with Rory on the front? It needs to be the one like the alternate cover you thought of doing….the one with the bottom half of Rory’s face and “Ruriously happy” written underneath. Just the thought of seeing my husband drink from it in the morning, where the bottom of his face is covered with Rory’s would make every morning awesome!!
My brother has a PhD. I wish he was painted gold and made of foam some days…
Actually I’m feeling guilty now because he’s pretty cool, lack of foam and gold paint aside.
No, No, No!! You’re Leia and he is Luke……. the baby is your father. This explains everything…
If I win the Omaze hide-under-Colbert’s-desk sweepstakes, while I’m under there I will whisper, “Give back The Bloggess’s golden baby… giiiive baaaack The Bloggess’s goooolden baaaaaby…” And he’ll freak out like Ebenezer Scrooge, until he remembers I’m under there. At which point stage hands will tell me to shut up and they’ll have to do another take of Covetton House or whatever.
I solemnly promise to do this, if I win.
VERY excited to follow the ins and outs of the world’s most interesting custody battle.
Get someone to threaten to cut the baby in half and then you can say NO! I’d rather suffer and see the baby with Colbert than any harm come to it. And like Solomin’s judgment boom, giant foam baby is yours 👶🍼
There better be a credit if he uses it on the show.
It couldn’t take too much for Stephen Colbert to allow you visiting rights to your baby – you and he seem very sympatico. If you ever did his show I bet he’d be willing to interview you in a blanket tent.
Omg he stole your baby how rude. I agree I bet he has the huge golden roster too. I say we flood him with messages till he gives they baby to you. Ps that Rory mug idea from Meghan is gold.
Yay, Operation Delta Dog!!!! My New England relatives work with them, and it was such a thrill to see them name-checked by you, Jenny! I hope loads of your amazing fans become aware of the Delta Dog cause through your post today!
I wish I had thought of the Olympic torch solution. Because FREE FOAM BABY! I should be a better friend. I am so sorry.
Wait… GOLDEN baby? A quarter ton? WHAT DID STEPHEN COBERT DO TO THAT BABY? He does not deserve that baby.
He should invite you to his show to visit her!!! That’s the least he could do.
I live on the same town as him, and I’m so tempted to go snoop around the ritzy part of town and see if he put it up in his yard or something, lol.
I don’t even know who Colbert is but damn if he’s not a dirty rotten thief.
Stephen needs to send that baby to you.
The only problem is…. Colbert’s baby is golden. Did your baby get a paint job?
I’m pretty sure they’ll probably just use it once or twice and then want to get rid of it. Then again they may want to put baby in the corner. Either way, please don’t give up on bringing that baby home!
Dang you STEPHEN COLBERT!
You should definitely go on his show to confront him about this!!
What really scares me is not only that I read (and laughed) and understood this post, but I also clicked on the link to the previous post and read (and laughed hysterically at) and UNDERSTOOD THAT POST AS WELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My brain is definitely broken. But if not understanding big run-on sentences which always make you laugh hysterically is unbroken, then I am happy to be broken-brained!!!
At least it’s still in the family! 😂
This is the post of the vagina couch I mentioned before. Some new posts are saying that it was posted in 2015 but it was actually posted long before then. This is a best of craigslist posting https://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/540076210.html and here’s a photo of of it. You just slide right into the vulva https://dangerousminds.net/comments/theres_a_giant_pink_vagina_couch_for_sale_on_craigslist
Here’s a more professional version of the couch, though I’d call this one a vulva couch or a clitoral love seat, there are no vaginas to be had.
I can get him to corroborate the story of the acquisition of the couch, from SF to NY. I can tell you privately the story. The man is (or was at the time) famous in his field and I don’t feel like passing on what may e private information (it wasn’t at the time but that was 10 years ago, minds may have been changed). You have my email addy so reach out if you want.
Man Colbert does have it out for you.
So, what we need to do is find out where he’s keeping the baby, kidnap it, and return it to you. I’m sure there are people who would help you do that. . .
I really hate it when someone steals my giant baby. It’s like nothing is sacred anymore. Nothing.
I invented the “Student Driver” or “New Driver” fad 15 years ago when my son was learning to drive and I thought it only fair to let other drivers on the road know that a hormonal teenage boy was loose on the streets and also to prevent him being bombarded with too many middle finger salutes. And then some bastard actually made professional signs for just that situation and I didn’t get a fucking dime.
Sorry Stephen Colbert stole your baby.
I’m afraid it’s all for the best. With you, she would always play second fiddle to Beyoncé. Stephen will make her a Broadway Baby!
I so enjoy following you! I may not post often, but I always read.
I dearly hope he doesn’t chop her up for some crazy reason. (It was a girl baby, wasn’t it???)
Victor is clearly onto your giant baby scheme and spilled to Colbert.
I think someone is a bloggess fan and read about your baby here first….I bet he has a giant metal chicken too. Send him a cease and desist.
I will bake a loaf of bread for the first person to get Stephen Colbert to say, “Jenny, I am your father” in Darth Vader’s voice.
Unless you’re gluten-free. In that case, I’ll make you some chia pudding or something.
Stephen Colbert and John Oliver and those folk are always buying up the good stuff at thrift stores and presidential mannequin sales and whatnot. Giant babies is just another thing they snatch up before the rest of us can. Just another case of the Giant-baby-owners growing to own more giant babies than the rest of us.
badparentingweb recently posted something that actually had to do with parenting! Check it out, mang! https://badparentingweb.wordpress.com/2018/02/02/the-case-for-daycare/
If Stephen Colbert is a dingo, or at least part-dingo, and you’re related to him, that makes you part-dingo too. Maybe that explains the wonky ear? You each have one human ear and one dingo ear. So the question is, why doesn’t it work like this for part-Vulcans?
At least you can now loudly, publicly and tearfully refer to Colbert as “the father of my enormous baby” which should be amusing.
I’m sorry Colbert is repeatedly stealing your stuff. But you know what they say, imitation is the sincerest form of fuckery.
So slightly off-topic, but my mom was reading me excerpts from “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened” and we both loved it. You’re fantastic!
You know you’ve arrived when the Late Show is borrowing incestuous content from your blog…
This is just about pockets. I hope you read your comments. I just read the chapter about pockets and then this: https://www.racked.com/2016/9/19/12865560/politics-of-pockets-suffragettes-women.
I think this makes John Oliver and his 5 wax presidents your extended family. How cool is that?!
Whenever I see something about a dingo it’s not Meryl Streep I picture but Julia Louis Dreyfus as Elaine Benes…
Jenny, I am a new fan of yours. Right now I am reading Lets Pretend This Never Happened an am absolutely loving it. You are such an amazing writer and I can’t wait to read your other book. You have me laughing till my sides hurt. Your blog is the bomb, I love it too.
I may be adding to the mystery but I shared your post with my daughter who lives in Bushwick (near /in Brooklyn I hear) and she may have it – her ceilings are high enough that said baby would fit perfectly in her apartment.
I’m wearing my Rory and Beyoncé socks now! They made my day better. Now…how do we smuggle you into Steven Colbert’s studio to kidnap, er reclaim, your baby? We’re going to need rope, at least six trained raccoons, a contortionist, and a monkey. Maybe two monkeys to be safe. Oh! And a bobby pin. You always need a bobby pin!
I’m SO FUCKING PISSED OFF AT YOUR BROTHER RIGHT NOW….
FATHER. I meant FATHER. Your Dad – ergo: Steven-Colbert-The-gilded-styrofoam-baby-snatcher. The victim would therefore be, I suppose… your ‘adopted’ (see:SNACTHED) brother???… Who FOR THE RECORD I am NOT AT ALL pissed off at, but more, kind of, disappointed in.
But we just want him to come home, is all. That’s ALL THAT MATTERS.
I keep hearing (in my head) you yelling COBERT like Sheldon yells WHEATON!!! When he’s mad at Wil Wheaton…and it’s AWESOME. Thank you for that!
So Colbert needs to have you on the show along with the giant baby. You have had enough books on the bestseller list that you definitely rate a spot on his show. (Get him to have Wil Wheaton on with you to help you get through the panic.)
There’s a show that reunites people with their lost loved ones… I forget what it’s called… but if YOU’RE NOT A CONTENDER, then DAMNIT JENNY LAWSON, I JUST DONT KNOW WHO IS.
Let’s bring STYRO-BABY HOME.
WHO’S WITH ME??!!
@BRINGSTYROBABYHOME
I think I see a custody battle coming on…
Just clicked on the socks link, and the picture of Rory is marked ‘Left Outside’, and now I’m feeling sorry for him because I want to let him inside.
This new found family connection actually makes A LOT of sense.
Books from Booksgiving are being sent and received. What an amazing idea you had Jenny! Thank you for sharing it with the world.
Sending hugs.
In the long term, the Saudis want as many as 100 Dingo 2 NBC reconnaissance vehicles, according to BamS. The Dingo 2 NBC reconnaissance vehicles would replace 36 Fuchs NBC reconnaissance vehicles Saudi Arabia bought from Thyssen in 1991.