Remember last week when people shared how hilarious dumb we all are? I shared a few of my favorites in part 1 and part 2 but I forgot to share the final collection so here you go:
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ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:
I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:
Someone @ Alton Brown; “Angry Pantry Yelling Show is legit and they should rebrand immediately.
BEST.TWITTER.THREAD.EVER!
These should all be put into a book Jen! Hillariousness at its finest!!
Yes! I agree with Lovie! This would make a hilarious book!
I don’t know which slayed me harder. The arm knuckle, or the astroglide… xD #nocontext
This was fun!
“I suppose some people have a way with words, and others…
… oh, I suppose, not have way.”
When I lived in Costa Rica, I accidentally taught my husband to order a vanila vagina at MacDonald’s.
I gotta stop reading these at work!! My co-workers are about to have me carted away!
I’d tell you how jealous I am that you got so many blog posts out of stuff other people wrote, but I’m snort-laughing too hard. Again. Still. BWAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Five minutes ago I just told a co-worker that “I don’t take my chicken’s temperature” instead of saying “check for internal cooking temperature.”
Cuddly crotchflesh ftw.
I wish I could remember times when I was as funny as y’all are.
I can never remember what a tape measure is called so at our house it is referred to as a measuring device.
At one point in time, I stubbed my toe in a crowded grocery store and yelled, “OW, MY FOOT FINGERS!!” needless to say I was pretty mortified.
P.S. I broke my toe so I was justified.
I can’t thank you enough for the joy these posts of brought to my life. Seriously, just giggle-snorted at my desk SO MANY TIMES.
Last night Stephen Colbert said someone had received too many “un-parred payking tickets” so hey, even the pros do it.
https://youtu.be/N4Gr-HLM7Qk?list=PLiZxWe0ejyv-QYQu_ETBHVjRx-IUqodtK&t=134
Oh awesome! Guess what I’ll be reading tonight 🙂
These are the funniest things I’ve read in a while. I once told my brother I was growing a tomato tree because I forgot the word “plant”
ugh. that link screwed up. Direct to time stamp link for Colbert’s flub
I was at a bonfire once and tried to say “my butts on fire” and “my butts hot” but what came out was “my butts on hot”
Oh, I’m laughing–from the taser to the taco cart:). People are really gorgeous and funny.
My husband is fond of Vienna sausages, which I refer to as “baby penises”.
My brother, not quite 2 years old, adored trucks but pronounced the word as “frucks.” He chased them whenever he saw them. We still remember him running down the street in his sagging diaper yelling “Fruck! Fruck!”
I’m late to the party but I once yelled loudly to a departing friend in a crowded airport “Give my mother your love!”
TWO separate instances with the UPS guy:
1. “Is that my package you’re holding? It’s HUGE!”
2. sees UPS guy approaching building Me to friend: “I hope that box is for me”
Friend: “If not, you could just steal it”
Me: “Good idea. You distract him while I grab his package!”
My Apologies to You All! Somehow I accidentally retreated all your comments. I don’t tweet and don’t even know where it retweeted to, who will get it or anything. You should have a blog about clueless technology users. We make so many bloopers!
Not because I forgot what they’re called , but I used to call shoes “foot containers.”
Last week at the dentist, the hygienist asked me why I was there. I said I was getting a filling replaced. She asked, “Where?” I said, “In my mouth.” We both laughed.
Once at the aquarium, my mother had to use the bathroom when my father and I were in the gift shop. She couldn’t find her way back to the shop after, so she asked an employee, but she asked him where the “garbage shop” was. She caught herself and said “whoops, sorry” but the employee was apparently like “That’s okay, I think it’s garbage too”. So now I think of gift shops as ‘garbage shops’. LOL
I have read these at least three times and each time I laugh so hard I wheeze.
(and thank you for posting mine!! I feel famous!!)
My husband ALSO said wing instead of ring. During the ceremony everyone was crying up on the stage, and then he said Take This WING — and we all started laughing so hard! ALWAYS marry the one who keeps you laughing.
Please make this your next book and title it Fox Pass (Faux Paus). I give you full permission to use my mistakes listed on your site and Twitter.
Bonus–Have a taxidermied fox on the cover!
I had the pleasure of seeing a live production of the Wizard of Oz with Eartha Kitt as the Wicked Witch and an elderly Mickey Rooney in the role of the Wizard. He was either drunk or senile when, at the end of the show as Dorothy is getting ready to leave, he turns to her companions and says “You… STICKMAN…” A very confused Scarecrow played along. I’m guessing it wasn’t the first time he had messed up his lines.
Here’s one for you: I once told Aaron Spelling I loved his soap Santa Barbara. I meant Sunset Beach–the show I was doing PR for.
OMG!!! You MUST make some of these into items on your Zazzle shoppe. Please Please OH please 😀
Was at a party once where it seemed almost everyone had an Aunt Betty. Talking about the guy who’d brought me, I said that he didn’t and it must be a genital (v. genetic) defect.
My sister married a Spaniard and lived in Spain for many years. When she came to visit us, she had trouble remembering how to say things in English. One of the funniest was when she was telling us about this dish she had eaten ” baby squid cooked in their own paint” (she meant ink)
I am three and a half months pregnant with my first child and the other day, while on the phone with my mom, I told her how people are starting to notice/react to me now that I am audibly pregnant.
Nope. That would be visibly. Dear Mom still gave me a pass since I cited one of the five senses.
These are GOLD.
I really thought, “We out here drippin’ in finesse” was “Why you trippin’ over this?” Like a guy was wondering what he did to upset his boo. 🙂
Yesterday, the missus and I went to a new coffee place in town (staffed totally by hipsters–but super friendly hipsters), and after spending a few minutes perusing the menu, I decided to go with something that I was sure I’d love and relayed my order to the missus so she could order for us. Except, she told them I wanted a “Salted Camel”. They were nice about it, but I think they started to become concerned for our dog that was with us…
My son at age 5 once came into the living room wearing deely boppers and exclaimed, “Mom, I’m an alien. See my testicles.” He meant tentacles.
A friend of mine had a new housekeeper who spoke limited English. She spoke limited Spanish. On the new housekeeper’s first day, she got out her English/Spanish dictionary, but instead of telling the housekeeper that she was going to “Mom’s Club” she told her she was going to “bludgeon some mothers.”
“What are those birds called again?” asked my first grader, “Beach pigeons?” Sea gulls.
My daughter – who is now 11 – used to call your heart beat HEART BEEP. I refuse to let my husband correct her.
My cousin’s 4-yr-old brought her a book and said, “Mommy, please read me this story about VAGINA PUDDLEDUCK!”
When I was still at school, one day I walked up the stairs and a classmate grabbed my sweater from behind and gave it a mighty tug.
My brain short-circuited between “Don’t pull on my sweater!” (Reiß nicht an meinem Pullover!) and “Don’t pull my sweater out of shape!” (Reck mir nicht den Pullover aus!)
So I turned towards her and shouted “Rrrrr! Rrrrrrrr! Rrrrrrrrrr!”
Not one of my most articulate moments…
When my nephew was at his kindergarten entrance interview, he told the teacher that he didn’t have any younger brothers or sisters because when he was born he broke his mom’s scrotum. She was not able to maintain a straight face.
In a high school class, the teacher said something about us having quizzies; I spoke up and said something about having testies (I’m female). Silence. He was oh so young and couldn’t stop blushing. I made believe I didn’t say anything.
Many years ago when my son was young I was telling my husband about a man I’d met who looked exactly like my Aunt Bernice except shorter. My son learned urgently toward me and said, “Maybe it WAS Bernice. . .wearing SPECIAL PANTS.”
There are several books of mis-heard lyrics and other sillynesses. I remember only one title (that fine old spiritual) “He’s Got the Whole World in His Pants”
Coworker: “Where do you want this bag of patches?”
Me: “Put it in the box if it will fit and the Cin hole if it won’t.” “Cin” is short for Cinderella and is pronounced like “sin”.
A coworker was telling a group of us about her friend who was an “articulate housekeeper” – quite sure she meant “immaculate.”
My 4 month old son refused to open his hands all the way and constantly had them backed into fists. My loving Mather in law kept calling him “Mr. Fister” because of it. We had to go into graphic detail into why not to call him this for her to understand…
When my brother and I were in our teens, we were at the mall with mom. My brother said he was hungry and wanted chicken wings. So my mom walks up to the Chinese place and orders “Chinken wings” We both died. And then she realized what she said and tried to correct, which of course, made it MUCH worse.
My hair stylist had a baby and — knowing full well she was a lesbian and conceived with a sperm donor — I asked if her daughter looked more like her or her wife. I immediately compounded the situation by calling myself a retard, a word I never use because, offensive much?
When I lived in south Florida, I used to tutor college students who would come into NOVA’s Language Arts Center for help. I worked with students from freshmen to grads. They were an international bunch. I had one geeky, sweet guy from Beijing who came in regularly to have me help him with his dissertation on computer partitioning, and we’d spend the last 15 minutes on his notebook of English slang and sometimes on pronunciation. He once pointed to a word, “count,” asking how to say it. I started by asking him to say “ow.” He said, “Ow.” I said, “Now add a ‘C’ onto the front—cow.” He said, “Cow.” I said, “Okay, now put the sound ‘NT’ on the end—count.” He said, “Cunt.” I said, “Count!” He repeated himself, “Cunt.” It went on like that, rising in volume: “Count,” “Cunt,” “Count,” “Cunt!” “COUNT,” “CUNT!” until the whole center had to be hearing him. I couldn’t take it anymore and said, “Okay, we have to stop. That’s a really bad word.”
Thank you all, thank you. I haven’t laughed in months, and this was just what I needed.
My husband is known for mixing up sayings, like,”Why’d you have to get all up in my jugs?”
So I was invited over to Sunday dinner after church one day (this is East Texas, y’all) and they made Chicken Spaghetti. When complimenting the cook (the mom/wife), she said her husband deserved some credit since he pulled all the chicken off the carcass. “He’s my number 1 boner!” Um, you mean de-boner? Or just…. no.
@Q as in cucumber, I only know like, half, of the actual phonetic alphabet, and for some reason seem to need to use it more than someone who isn’t an air traffic controller should need to (probably because I have a difficult to spell name). I have made up some really, really good ones, including “u as in…um…undulating?” Umbrella. U is umbrella. The person I was talking to laughed and asked me if I was studying for the SAT. I’m 36…
Oh…wait, that wasn’t the one I was trying to remember! I was talking with an IT guy who I know is an H1B holder (so he’s an immigrant), reading off a code he needed. There was an X in it and I could not come up with xylophone (even though I was picturing the instrument in my head) and instead blurted out xenophobia. Which he clearly knew the meaning of, but not the spelling, since he huffily asked me if I meant Zulu. X is also X-ray, which is both more universally understood and less mortifying to mess up slightly.
The theatre where I work provides assistive listening devices to patrons. I am not allowed to offer them to patrons anymore due to the number of times I have called them “assisted living devices.”
I’m bummed I missed this. When I was working on my M.Ed, I wrote a paper about utilizing sensory experiences for teaching high school students in math classes, but I couldn’t remember the word “sensory” and used “sensual” every time!
You have no IDEA how much this happens in my family. My grandfather once said “These are Beetles!” to the opening chords of Here Comes the Sun. My mother (not biologically related to my grandfather) tried to quote The Sandlot and ended up saying “You kill me, Small”. We were on a road trip. My dad had to pull over to laugh.
thanks for sharing very useful