For real though, someone get to work on those fruit roll-up sleeves.

in Random Crap, weekly reruns

Victor asked if I’d go with him to a party where I know no one and I laughed but turns out he was serious and I felt really bad for him but I don’t even go to parties that are for me but he really wanted to go so I told him I’d go but only if I could wear a t-shirt I made that says “HERE COMES HEPATITIS” on the front so people would avoid me and he was against that because I guess he has something against hepatitis and I do too because hepatitis killed my grandmother but that’s exactly why I made the shirt.

And also if people do talk to me I have an automatic conversation starter about the importance of hand-washing and clean needles and not inviting me to parties.  And Victor said that I couldn’t wear the shirt because I don’t have hepatitis but I think that’s short-sighted because tons of people have hepatitis and don’t know it and I just finished tuberculosis treatment so it seems like hepatitis is the next logical step with my luck.  Victor says faking hepatitis is not really acceptable at parties and I get that but “HERE COMES CRIPPLING INTROVERSION” seems like it would just attract others like me who would be like, “OMG ME TOO” and that would be a relief for a half-second but then we’d be all stuck together and none of us can carry on a proper conversation without blurting out inappropriate nonsense and we’d all rather be home anyway.  Honestly, the only thing that would make it okay is if the shirt had a kangaroo pocket you could stick a kitten in and when it got weird we just pull out our kittens and relax because we could just talk to the kitten instead of each other.  Someone invent that.

(Also it needs a hidden flask in the boob section and sleeves that are made of fruit rolls-ups so I can eat them in case I get too hot and/or peckish.)

PS. Victor just read this post and agrees that I should not go to the party. Whoop!  This blog is better than hepatitis.

*******

And on an entirely different subject, it’s time for the Sunday wrap-up!

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by StoryWorth Books, which I’m actually a huge fan of and have bought for both of my parents.  From them: Still looking for a meaningful Father’s Day gift? StoryWorth is the perfect last minute gift. Each week, we’ll email him a question about his life – asking him about his favorite memory of his grandparents, or whether he’s ever pulled any great pranks. All he has to do is reply with a story, which is forwarded to you and any other family members you invite. At the end of the year, his stories are bound in a beautiful keepsake book your family will cherish!”  You should check it out here.

85 thoughts on “For real though, someone get to work on those fruit roll-up sleeves.”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Time for a new site blurb.

    “This blog is better than hepatitis.”

  3. There IS a sweatshirt with a large pouch for a cat already!!! Ha ha ha xxxx

  4. I have a t-shirt that says “You read my t-shirt. That’s enough social interaction for one day,” and I’ve stopped wearing it, because complete strangers take it as an invitation to come and start talking to me, and AAAAAAGGGHHHHHgoaway

  5. A friend gave me this for a Christmas gift and I have been writing a story each week sibce Jan 2018. I love it and has me back writing and starting the family book I have been talking about for years.
    Wonderful idea.
    Jane Thomson . Toronto

  6. Hi, Jenny, I would totally get a shirt that had a kitten in the pocket. Everyone would cuddle the kitten, and then no reason to talk.

    Also, right now, your link about twittering says “When I fist twittered” . You’ve been on twitter much longer than me, so I didn’t know that was a thing.

    Some days, it does feel like people are fist twittering, instead of being polite and using better words to express their feelings.

    (DAMMIT. Fixed. 🙂 ~ Jenny)

  7. A friend gave me this for a Christmas gift and I have been writing a story each week sibce Jan 2018. I love it and has me back writing and starting the family book I have been talking about for years.
    Wonderful idea.
    Jane Thomson . Toronto

  9. If only I’d known about that T-shirt when I had hepatitis. Of course it took the doctors 2 months to realise I had hepatitis by which time the T-shirt would really need to have been in the past tense. That story is one of the many reasons I don’t leave the house.

  10. Thank you so much for the smile i get every time I read one of your posts, be it a happy smike, one that follows a belly – laugh or one of recognising a kindred spirit who’s soul visits both deliriously happy and dark & dank places frequently. Thank you.

  11. Boob flask: wine rack… Google it. Holds a whole bottle of wine and has a straw!

  12. Thank you, Jenny. For 10 years you have been consistently. Never change!!!
    Love, Laurie

  13. I have a grapevine and in one of my forays into jam-making, I found you could spread the thickened, warm jam onto a baking sheet lined with parchment paper, bake at a low temp to dry in the oven, then cut into strips for fruit roll-ups. OR… just cut the dried fruit sheet into sleeves.

    THIS COULD WORK.

  14. A Kitten Pocket does seem like the best thing ever. (I always remember an episode of Scrubs where they said it would be nice if a box of kittens could cure a broken heart – “I need a box of kittens, STAT!”)

  15. I totally bought the great HUMANS EXHAUST ME tee that you linked a while back and now people talk to me about THAT. And damn it, that defeats the whole purpose. Don’t you all know you exhaust me? 😭

  17. Blogs ARE better than hepatitis, and almost as prevalent. And telling people I have either gets the exact same result. They steer very clear.

  18. Can I put a guinea pig in the kitten pocket? My husband is allergic to cats.

  19. ‘Jenny doesn’t go to parties because cheerleaders 📣’ should really be emblazoned upon his mind, one would think. 🤷🏻‍♀️🤔 But somehow the people around us forget. Is crippling optimism a thing? 🧐

  21. Thank you, Jenny. I feel like crying, but at least I can smile a little when I read your blogs. 😽

  22. Just imagine if the Grim Reaper wore a T-shirt that said, “Here comes hepatitis”. A whole heap more people would be sucked into following him when he uses his finger to draw them close and to follow him. That sort of T-shirt could be a lifesaver.

  23. I sent my boyfriend the link to the shirt with this comment: “I need this shirt. Like, really. And then when we’re out in public and people ask you ‘Is your girlfriend ok?’, you can just point at my boobs. Which you might do anyway. Win all around.

  24. Everything IS ruined! I buy these alcohol wipes for my glasses, phone screen, computer screen, etc. They come in a small square package that fits PERFECTLY in one specific cubby in my top left desk drawer.

    Today I had to buy a different kind, which hasn’t been a problem before because the packaging has always been similar.

    BUT … today the product I bought comes in a completely different size & shape package. So they still fit in the same cubby, but they fall over, get mixed up, and they have to be slanted back so they don’t interfere with the drawer’s opening & closing functioning.

    I totally know this is a first world problem, but this kind of thing makes me crazy. Well, crazier.

    I know this is really the only place I can vent this kind of stuff. Why are manufacturers deliberately trying to ruin my day?!

    (And the dragon is awesome. And you. And Victor, even if he does keep inviting you to parties that are full of strangers you don’t know. I feel like Victor’s parents forgot to teach him about strangers.)

  26. My partner celebrated his divorce by having a ‘Bitch Is Gone’ party. We were already a couple (I need to emphasise here I was not the reason his Bitch Was Gone), so I felt I had to be at the party. It was to be the first time I would meet many of his friends and work colleagues. I couldn’t get out of it so I got very drunk and decided to throw myself headlong into the occasion by having a t-shirt made saying ‘New Improved Hotter Bitch’. I can’t remember a thing about the party, but thankfully 13 years later we’re still together. I no longer go to his social functions, but he always asks knowing I’ll say no 😉 The kitten pocket t-shirt is a great idea, for while a cat is still small enough to need you 🙂

  27. Once I was at a party for my husband’s family and one of his ancient uncles came up to me and said, “Are you the one there’s something wrong with?” There were so many possible answers to that that I couldn’t choose just one.

  29. For the record I would totally avoid talking to you if you wore a shirt like that, so I fully endorse it on the scientific grounds that it would be extremely effective. Of course, I probably wouldn’t talk to you anyway because I’d be hiding in my OWN corner hoping that no one tried to talk to ME…sooooo, I might not be the most scientific “one person study” available. Also – Victor is a genius for reading your blog and deciding to let you stay home. Also – kitten t-shirt would just make people who like kittens try to talk to you and pet your kitten, and that is a WHOLE ‘nother thing you do NOT want to deal with.

  30. An ‘Introvert’ shirt from Dan and Phil’s shop would be perfect for you. If you’re not sure who they are, you might have a few laughs. Their new tour is called Interactive Introverts. I’m going to buy one of their Introverts denim jackets.

  31. I need the introvert shirt…in a week I’m going to be stuck on a boat with 5,000 other people because that’s my husband’s idea of a “really fun vacation”.

  32. And what I love the most is that the Zazzle models have no idea they’re shilling hepatitis (or introversion, for that matter) 😆

  33. I like that the person who gave you one star on the HERE COMES CRIPPLING INTROVERSION shirt complained that it is see thru which just adds to the overall irony of the shirt in the first place.

  35. I’m an extrovert, so I think a kitten pocket is the PURRFECT way to get people to talk to me. Actually, people have always talked to me, whether I wanted them to or not, which is why I became a therapist. Might as well get paid to interact.

  37. I would never wear a garment with writing on it. Or dramatic jewelry. Or a shirt with giant pansies. Or anything that a total stranger could use to start a conversation. Esp at the airport where there’s a great possibility of bored lonely people wanting to pounce on the unsuspecting.

  38. Just last night, I told someone I was going to have a t-shirt made for myself that just says “No” on it, and a matching bandanna for my dog. That way, I can just point…

  39. If I had a party for my birthday (today), would you come? And would you bring a kitten in your kangaroo pouched “here comes crippling introversion” t-shirt? I would be okay with you eating your fruit rollup sleeves and drinking from your boob flask, as long as you let me pet the kitten. 🙂

  40. You really should just make a shirt that says “I’d rather be home”, or, “I’d rather be home, Victor”.

  41. … I don’t know where to say this, but I’ve been encountering some weird shit on your site lately. “Sorry, but this comment could not be posted” error messages… not necessarily linked to my WordPress account or my “other” account, or even flagging anything I’ve tried to say as particularly offensive! Anybody else having issues?

    (Has it been just in the last week? I had to make some changes to stay compliant with some UK laws and it may have made my comments a bit off. Does it still post or do you have to try again? Have you tried using a new (even made up) email address? Thanks for the feedback! ~ Jenny)

  42. Every party should have a Crippling Introversion corner, as far from the VIP corner as possible (they get so loud) and where talking to each other is strictly forbidden unless it’s to share cute baby animal videos. Maybe not even then. There could just be a CI Corner group chat set up, for sharing links without interacting.

  43. Maybe an orange T-shirt that says HARE KRISHNA on it (you might need to shave your head to make it convincing, but one of those fake-bald skullcaps could work)? Dressing in a white shirt, slacks, and tie, holding a bible, and getting someone else to dress the same way and stand next to you with a sheaf of pamphlets?
    You could dress as a plague doctor with one of those beak masks – they carried sticks to poke sick people so they didn’t have to touch them, and you could use one to poke anybody who got too close.
    The fruit roll-up sleeves would go well with Lady Gaga’s meat dress, but that would probably be way too good a conversation starter.

  44. My husband is a retired naval officer, so I spent more than two decades going to functions I did not want to attend — usually in a fancy dress, panty hose, and high heeled shoes I wish I’d had dyed to match my snit.

    Anyway, we had a sign. When I was ready to flee, I’d just start tapping S-O-S on my husband’s leg.

    He got to feel like a military hero. I got to quit making nice-nice and fake-smiling. Everybody won.

  45. You healed my moment. And now I’m wondering if I may need the TB treatment…OMG! WHAT IF I HAVE TB?! Or Hepatitis?! No, no, no…You need human contact to catch those things, right? I’m okay. And you’re funny. <3

  46. I love your Dad’s dragon and it reminded me of Ciruelo who has created some kick butt dragon art. Can I has a dragon puppet please?

  47. That dragon your father made is magnificent!!! I am truly impressed. And wonder what he used to make the teeth.

    Maybe just a T-shirt that says NOPE would do the trick at a party. But maybe not because people would come up to you to ask what NOPE means even though that should be extremely obvious.

  48. I have a tee-shirt that says, “I LIKE TO PARTY. AND BY ‘PARTY’, I MEAN READ.” Another good tee-shirt would be 1 for which I got the idea from 1 of (another wonderful) writer Amy Alkon’s book where she described her husband as an introv. whose favorite social occasion is one that’s been cancelled.

  49. I want a T-Shirt that says “I Only Speak Pig Latin” but I’d be afraid to wear it to parties in case someone else goes “OMG…somone ELSE who speaks pig latin!!!” and then clings to me all night when all I really want is for people to see it and ignore me since they don’t know pig latin.

    Oesday atthay akemay ensesay otay ouyay?

  50. “Here Comes Hepatitis” may or may not work as a social diversionary tactic. I’m pretty introverted myself, but if I saw someone wearing that t-shirt, I would have follow up questions and be compelled to approach them. I mean, who doesn’t want to hear the story of how someone got hepatitis and then felt the need to advertise at a social event? I’d be fascinated.

  52. I hate when he really wants to go to a party cause he’s so good to me that I just can’t say no. But 9 times out of 10, it’s full of people I’ll never have to see again, and that’s easier, no follow up. I can get through one appearance.

  53. Hey GREAT MUTABA can solve any relationship problem, just read more about him on net

  54. I’m on board for being able to carry around kittens to talk to instead of people

  55. A couple of years ago I had to go to an overnight anniversary banquet for my husband’s job. He and his coworkers were going to be in training during the day, so the wives all agreed ahead of time to spend the day in the hotel’s spa before getting glammed up for the banquet and dance that evening. I solved this horrifying social scenario by getting mild food poisoning and spending the whole day in our hotel room bathroom.

  56. I can’t even stand social events with people I know. I have like maybe four people in my life that I can stand to be in a room with for more than five minutes.

  59. I just wanted to say thank you. I’ve been reading political crap for months and it has been really depressing. But, then, I come over to your blog and I am able to smile. (The link to the “misfit toys” piece was much appreciated. I laughed out loud. Yeah. I know about that LOL thingy but it just doesn’t have the sincerity of writing out the whole phrase.) You have no idea how much some of us need your humor lately…

  60. I was telling friends about you this morning, and really wish I had had the “better than hepatitis” tag line to give them. Once they realized I was NOT saying The Blog-ass.

  63. I have silly themed birthdays when I bother to celebrate … You’d fit right in because this year is most creative T Shirt saying ….

  64. Kitten pockets for everyone!

    Oh, maybe your form of hepatitis could be Bl. Yeah, ‘cuz hepatitis B is already taken, and scientists seem to follow letters with numbers, like a Mercedes 280SL, which had little to do with scientists or even with following letters using numbers, but (!) yours could be Bl because you are the Bloggess, so using the first two letters of your rank could work well.

  65. I planned my own thirtieth birthday party and got tables and chairs for the lawn and told people which dishes to bring and All The Things, and then freaked out and didn’t want to go, even though it was at my house, and I wanted to hide in my son’s closet under all his stuffed animals instead.

  66. Storyworth is so, so fabulous. I gifted it to my mom for Christmas after reading about it here, and we are both loving it! Thanks for the idea!

  67. I would feel extremely relaxed at a party where everyone was just blurting out inappropriate nonsense.

  68. A. I think You confessed to murdering your grandmother on this blog. Although I wasn’t sure if you killed her by giving her hepatitis or If hepatitis your nickname because you killed your grandma
    B. Have you thought about getting a therapy dog that you could take with you? Would that help or not?

  69. I’m not a party person either. They’re just too peopley for me. That said, when I ABSOLUTELY can’t get out of going to a human festival I wear my favorite socks. The bottom of one sock says the F-word (this is me trying to be G-rated); the bottom of the other says OFF (I’m pretty sure that word is safe, even though it has TWO “F”s in it). These socks have proven to be both a deterrent AND a conversation starter. Although usually the conversation is about me rather than with me, which is kind of a win right?

  70. I seriously thought you meant your dad had taxidermied a dragon and was equal parts horrified and delighted.

  71. I have a shirt I wear when my husband drags me to parties:
    Introverts Unite
    We’re Here
    We’re Uncomfortable and
    We want to go HOME

    You’re right, it actually gets more people talking to me, I really need to stop wearing it!

  72. On Sunday my sister and I were supposed to go to a Pride event but by the time she got to my apartment we both realized we didn’t feel like it and instead watched a documentary from the 70’s about a town in the mountains with a lot of inbreeding. We had a flag though so it still counts.

  73. I ordered the crippling introversion shirt. which will make people talk to me i’m sure. but it’s just sooo perfect! I’ll wear with with my “Baltimore vs. Y’all Whores” hoodie which is supposed to make me look badass and threatening, but instead people just ask me what it means all the time.

  74. Oh so THIS is how you get out of parties?
    makes mental note for next time someone silly enough invites me to one

  75. I totally need the fruit roll-up sleeves! My daughter is a self-biter, especially when she is hangry. 🙁 It would save wear and tear on her skin and sleeves, plus improve her blood sugar. Win-win!!!

  76. I remember vividly when my husband and I first started dating that I had to go to an event for a friend of his….it was a huge social thing at the local Macaroni Grill. I was always an internal wreck at his friends/family gatherings, but this was the WORST. I was in such a panic with all of the overstimulating socializing and enormous amounts of noise that when I went to the bathroom I found that I had sweat (like I was raining) through my blouse and behind my knee caps and thighs. My hubby (boyfriend at the time) made the mistake of then also correcting me at this same event in front of everyone as to how to correctly pronounce his friend’s name.

    The fact that I didn’t start crying from complete overload was a freaking miracle. Needless to say I was not surprised when a therapist mentioned to me later in my life very casually about a different incident “that’s social anxiety.” If the brilliant kangaroo pocket t-shirt is in fact invented I will supplement said kitten for a little baby bunny instead. 🙂 YES the crippling introversion shirt YESSSSSSSSS! I want to also make a highly sensitive person shirt too…A shirt that says something like “At maximum overstimulated capacity…explosion imminent” and then have a picture of Beaker the Muppet pictured below. BTW anyone curious if they are HSP check this out…it helped me understand myself better and be kinder to myself. 🙂 There are many of us out there! https://hsperson.com/

  77. If by some miracle we were ever at the same party I’d be happy to hang out in the corner and we could be uncomfortably silent together.

  78. I would totally wear a shirt with fruit roll up sleeves, but I would suddenly wear a tank top, because I eat when I’m nervous, and meeting a bunch of strangers make me extra nervous!

  79. You should start fostering kittens – it’s the perfect excuse for ALWAYS having a pocket-kitten, and it helps save kitties too. (Check out Kitten Lady on YouTube especially her video titled “Kitten Nursery in Austin, TX!”) It’s given me an excuse to start taking a bag of kittens to my office job and seriously there is no better anxiety/depression treatment in the world.

  80. Parties with people you don’t know = torture. I’d rather stick the pointy end of a paperclip into my eyeballs while wearing skin-tight skinny jeans (which are also torture). Glad you don’t have to go!

  81. Well, you know-I think Victor just wants to be seen with his trophy wife every now and then. Please forgive him-he is a good guy otherwise! (which-HEY! you already knew-since you’ve been married to him for what? A couple of decades?) xoxox

  82. I can’t remember, did you actually have TB? Or was it just TV treatment that worked for some other issue?

    (I had it as a carrier but it wasn’t an active case. You can’t take the injections I take for RA though if you test positive for having TB because the injections mess up your immune system and make TB more dangerous than it usually is so I had to take the full TB treatment for 9 months so that I’d be allowed to still take my RA drugs. ~ Jenny)

  84. The dragon! Oh, baby! This lovely creature has such deep powers of splendor and beauty, I totally blew off reading the boring grownup news about the latest idiocy of our peerless leaders. I watched the dragon video instead and I feel SO much better.

  85. I need the everything is ruined shirt – but with USA On it also. Something to help me get thru the next 2 years and 4 months.

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