The pursuit of zappiness

in Random Crap, TMS is painful but not as painful as depression

This is my second week of daily TMS treatments and I know that’s all I seem to talk about but that’s because it’s sort of eating up my life, but in a so far totally worthwhile way.

Today I finished this embroidery pattern, which seemed fitting because I was stabbing someone in the head with a needle while being stabbed in the head with magnets.

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I’m getting faster.

A post shared by Jenny Lawson (@thebloggess) on

Then I started a new one but paused to take a panoramic picture of myself in treatment so you can see how it looks.

My face is mid-spasm because today they went up to the highest voltage but look how cute and teensy my feet seem.

And then I went outside and this happened:

I don’t know if this is working or it’s a coincidence.  I don’t know if it will keep working if it’s working now.  But I know that mental illness is real and that we’re worth the process of looking for a cure.  Today was a needed reminder of that.

192 thoughts on “The pursuit of zappiness”

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  3. First, I don’t know how you walk on such ridiculously small feet.
    Second, I’m glad you’re getting the feels back.
    Thank you for taking time to remind the rest of us that we have things worth fighting for too.

  5. Wow. I understand uncomfortably numb, but what I really like is the embroidery. That is very nice. You are staying very cute during your head stabbing. I think I would be much more distorted.

  6. Jenny, congratulations on such an amazing breakthrough. I hope this will continue to work for you forever and ever, amen. I’m one of the lucky ones that medication works for. I cannot possibly imagine your strength to just get through; to find something that helps.

  7. It makes so much sense that this is all you talk about because you’re being shocked in the HEAD, and also you’re feeling again!! That’s amazing and beautiful and I hope hope hope it keeps working and getting better for you! And the head-stabby embroidery is beautiful and apt.

  8. You remind me of my mom when she got over a terrible bout of pneumonia (my mom was a big believer of ‘if I’m not actively dying, I don’t need to see a doctor’ until my grandfather dragged his 50-year-old daughter into the hospital because she was laying on the couch turning blue, yeah. don’t ignore pneumonia, kids). One day after she’d been on meds for a couple weeks, she comes running into my room. “Look, look!” and she takes this really deep breath and lets it out, then another. I’m like ???? okay??? And she tells me “I haven’t been able to breathe in weeks. This is the most amazing feeling!” Such a tiny, normal thing that we do it without thinking, and she was so amazed by it because she’d been without so long.

    That’s what I imagine this must be like. Finally getting that deep breath of air after your own body trying to suffocate you. I’m so happy for you, Jenny, and for everyone who finds that breath of air for themselves.

    (Exactly this! ~ Jenny)

  11. Relief makes us emotional, especially when it’s been so long denied. I cried after my first Imitrex injection because the migraine finally stopped and I didn’t know that could happen. You are amazing.

  12. Jenny I am so proud of you. You are the bravest person I don’t really, but kinda know.
    Thank you so much for the beacons of light that you always send out to us, without being concerned about looking or sounding pretty. It helps me to remember that I am real and OK as I am, as we all are.
    You are so amazing and so loved.
    Thank you.

  13. OMG! Sounds so promising! I’ve got all my fingers and toes crossed for you that this treatment is working and will continue to work! Thank you for sharing your journey with us!

  14. And now I’m one of those people who doesn’t know what to say.
    In a good way.
    So I’m just gonna sit here and quietly pass you Skittles or M&Ms as needed, and only in the colors you like.

  15. Never, ever forget that we love you. When you doubt – and we all do – seek comfort and reassurance here. You are brave and wonderful and loved. Thank you for being open with your struggles, falls and getting-back-ups. You, m’dear, ROCK!

  16. Don’t worry that TMS is all you are talking about. I’m very interested in your journey with it so I want to keep hearing about it, and I’m sure I’m not alone on that.

  18. Keep telling us how it’s going. You are giving hope to so many people by chronicling your struggles. LOVE that embroidery!

  20. I love you, you are fabulous, you are my hero, I have all of your books and my therapist has them now in her waiting room too. Today I did a blog post about kind of having created a blobby sort of thing on the underside of my lip from nibbling it off from anxiety, the struggle is real, and continues to be real, and you are making this a better world for us all. God bless you. I am cheering you on so loud maybe you can hear me from here. I sure hope so…

  23. I narrowly avoided having ECT (the last-ditch drug worked), so I am interested to see how your treatment comes out. And tiny feet is a good side effect, if you’ve got to have one.

  24. P.S. Where do you get your fabulous embroidery pieces?

    (I buy the kits or patterns on Etsy. This one was from Ana Odd Stitch. ~ Jenny)

  25. Yes, so much this! I remember when I had to have an abscess lanced, and they gave me IV morphine to get me ready for it. Five minutes later I burst into tears because I was NOT in pain from everything, and I had forgotten how that felt, as you have been with your emotions. It was so good I cried. I’ve been numb from emotions, and getting that lock removed was a flood of tears also. Bless your heart for keeping TRYING so hard, and OMFG your voice/accent is so like mine I giggled. Ten years of living back in Texas and I’m still amazed at my accent…some 20 or more years I had lived out of state and it’s good to be home again. (In Houston)

  31. This is wonderful, Jenny.

    Thanks for sharing this raw moment with us.

    Love you!

  32. AWESOME!! Cool technology, and VERY cool that it seems to be working for you!

  33. Today I am numb. Today I need hope. I am so relieved for you that this is working. When I’m not numb, I’ll be happy too. But for now I’m keep telling myself that there is hope even if I can’t find it right now. Hearing the emotion in your voice makes me think there might be hour somewhere. Thank you.

  34. So glad you are feeling better. I know from experience what depression feels like – AND IT AIN’T FUN!!!!!

    Am also supporting my grown son who is severely Bipolar II and is on and off his meds. I go to NAMI to help me help him – and they are great.

    Be strong – hang in there! You’re worth it!

  36. <3 I’m so happy for you and your tears of emotion that you can actually feel! Thank you for all your sharing — truly.

  40. Thank you for the reminder. I have emotions, but I’ve been told all my life that I have too many, or that they are wrong. So I’ve gotten good at masking, hiding or denying them (or hiding when I can’t). So thank you for reminding me that emotions are ok, and perhaps even wonderful.

  41. I’m crying with you, Jenny. It wasn’t that long ago that I was uncomfortably numb too, and it’s so hard (it feels impossible) to claw your way out of it. Thank you for speaking about your struggles, because it helps to know we’re not alone.

  42. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

  44. Anemia isn’t the same thing as mental illness but I’m mentioning it in terms of a way of feeling that has been normal for so long that when you get relief from it it feels like a miracle. I took my first mega dose of iron a month ago and I feel like i actually have a skeleton right now and not a big shapeless blob of gelatin around me. I’m so glad for you, Jenny!

  45. I’m crying with you Jenny, because I’m SO FUCKING HAPPY FOR YOU!!!!!! The fact that this treatment is working for you is beyond amazing!! My joy for you can’t be contained. The hope you are giving to others is precious…may this particular treatment become widespread and available to EVERYONE who needs it!!! Much love to you from this little Canadian (with tiny feet for reals) who is SO FUCKING HAPPY FOR YOU!!!!!! oxoxoxoxo

  46. I am so happy for you. Keep crying, laugh if you feel like it, yell, enjoy every single emotion. I know EXACTLY what you mean about the numbness. That’s what I feel most of the time. It’s hard for people to understand that’s how depression expresses itself sometime. But I am on Medicare now and I see my psychiatrist next month. She does TMS so I will ask her if they’ve had any luck with Medicare paying for it. Lots of people have told me it will. So I hope one day I will be crying, too. Or laughing. Thank you, thank you for sharing your journey with us. Some days you are my lifeline.

  47. Your “raw” looks beautiful, Sweetie.
    Also, I love that the “hat” says “neurostar” because that’s what you are: a neurostar!

  48. You are SO damned brave, Jenny.

    Also..where do you get the embroidery patterns or do you just make them up? Because I like what them.

    Also..I know it’s probably a lot to ask right now but send good wishes and a prayer to the Dental Gods that getting my snapped off tooth fixed won’t cost TOO much. I was eating some chips and my front tooth (the one next to the two big ones right in front, on the left hand side, see blog entry for pictures) snapped right off. I felt it go and the only thing I can say is “Well at least it doesn’t hurt.” because I had a root canal on it previously. So all I’ve got now is a big ol’ hole in the front of my mouth that I think looks kinda gnarly, but my husband says we HAVE to get fixed ASAP. Because its apparently kind of redneck and gross if you just have a big ass hole right in the front of your mouth.

  51. Thank you for your courage in sharing this, Jenny. You are giving so many others hope.

  53. tears of joy are the best, like everyone in the tribe I am thrilled the treatment seems to be working. Tribe hug for Jenny

  55. Jenny, I stared at that embroidery for a solid minute before I could figure it out because my brain got tricked by the lines in her ear into thinking that was her tiny face and that her chin was half a giant bosom which made the collar look like an amputated arm. I was so confused. BUT once I figured it out, I was like, That’s so pretty and amazing and still kinda creepy but not in a completely baffling way! Nice work, lovely lady on both the embroidery and on coercing your finicky feelings out of their tricky hiding place 🙂

  56. Oh sweet Jenny!!!!! I’m crying happy tears because you are finally getting to FEEL! Just seeing your face – so bright and so full of hope and wonder… it’s BEAUTIFUL. YOU’RE beautiful. Thank you for sharing!! Hooray for being stabbed in the head with magnets! <3

  57. I’m crying with you. In the middle of the coffee shop. And getting my bagel all salty.

    For me, the first jolt of emotion coming through the numbness is like those rays of light that filter through the clouds when seen from a distance. It is difficult to describe for those who haven’t experienced it. Please enjoy the present moment for all it’s worth! 💗

  58. I’m not crying because you’re crying. I’m crying because you feel!
    Congratulations Jenny!

  59. I recommend your books to most of my clients with anxiety and depression (some aren’t quite ready for our dark sense of humor.) I just sent this to a client who is feeling very hopeless. THANK YOU for being my co-therapist.

  61. My depression was typically numbness. Not able to cry about things my head told me were sad. With better meds I still get depression,
    but I have feelings and even cry sometimes when I’m depressed. I so understand what you’re saying. And I’m happy for you.

  63. Jenny; Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
    Awesome job on the embroidery!

  65. Thank you Jenny for being brave enough to share your journey. Another Jen cheering you on.

  68. YES! Emotion!!! An early anti-depressant that I went on made me totally, uncomfortably emotionally numb. I eventually went off them, because I missed being happy, and I missed being able to be sad about sad things. Sure, I wasn’t in a lot of pain, but I wasn’t anything. So what was the point of it?
    I say all that to say, I understand! And I am SO SO SO happy that you have emotions back!!! I teared up a bit watching your video because I relate, and am so happy for you.

    Good job fighting for yourself!!!

  69. I should add that I am on a better anti-depressant now that still allows me to have a range of emotions. So I’m glad that you are also finding something that will enable you to FEEL and LIVE! 🙂

  70. So glad you’re feeling some benefit. I’m still in the search for a new combination of meds to get me out of my current episode. Take the good as it comes. Just one day at a time.

  73. Thank you for putting into words what so many experience but maybe can’t explain to those who don’t. I struggle with anxiety and mild depression but not what you’re describing and it’s so helpful to know what it’s like from your perspective. You and others like you speaking out about mental health issues is brave and so, so necessary.

  75. I suffer from chronic depression which looks like sadness and anger. But, after I had my daughter I had PPD and it was the numbness. Congrats on getting some of the emotions back, even if they are a little off kilter at the moment. I think I may want “There’s light out there for all of us” as a tattoo. Beautiful.

  78. Thanks for sharing this experience. You are the Bravest! You deserve a pedicure for your tiny little feet. I get terrified just thinking about what you are going through… And embroidery while being stabbed in the head? How???? You are my KickAss Super Hero. Sending lots of LOVE.

  79. Jenny do you like musical theatre? There is a musical called “Next To Normal” that I really believe you would love. It talks a lot about depression in a very real and relatable way. Music is one way I deal with my depression. I feel like if I sing loud enough I won’t disappear. Don’t give up! We’re all rooting for you!

  80. Where do you get the needlepoint(?)? Are the preprinted or do you have to do it free hand? I need a hobby.

  81. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a photo of you in anything other than a dress! You and your tiny feet look amazing. I too had forgotten what emotions felt like – I cried at the movies the other night!!!

  82. You made water come from my eyes for you. I don’t cry easily. Such happy tears for you.

  83. Your TMS must be amazing stuff because it has me sitting here, ridiculously crying with you!

  84. I’m happy to see you cry. You even look different, much better! I like your itty bitty feet
    Continue to get better and better sweetie.

  86. OH JENNY………….you made me cry as well!! How wonderful! Love, you

  88. Same experience for me with TMS. In fact, so many feels and so intense that I’m working in counseling on how to manage it.
    I’m not complaining. Love to you. I’m so glad it’s working for you, too.

  89. Hi Jenny,
    I just wanted to say I am so happy for you, I think if you think it is helping then it is helping. I also wanted to say thank you for
    Writing about depression. Both my children are dealing with depression and other diagnoses and I often am perplexed by what they tell me about it. As “the mom” I often feel I should understand all this better and have more answers and solutions for them. I have read them parts of your books and from your blog and it is a good reminder to just keep hanging on and trying and laugh whenever possible. Lastly, I am crazy jealous that you can have your treatment and embroider at the same time!!! I am the worst multitasker ever and don’t always do well walking and chewing gum.
    Bridget

  90. I want this for you so bad. I want you to be able to enjoy life to enjoy things with Hailey. I’ll wish on every shoting star I see that this works for you. Stay weird and be happy

  91. I work in an office that offers TMS. We have seen such beautiful results with our patients. I am so excited for you that you are already experiencing positive results. You have brought so much love, support and connection to this community that you have created through sharing yourself and your struggles. I truly hope that this brings you relief into your life. You deserve joy and love, and to be able to truly, deeply feel both. Thank you.

  92. Oh my, you made me cry.

    I remembered years back, first starting antidepressants, I was driving with my husband and he looked at me with the strangest, most loving, sad, happy face and a tear started crawling down his face. I asked him what’s wrong. He said ‘you laughed’.

    Now at the time, even in darkest days, we hadn’t stopped laughing, it’s what we do in the face of despair. We would laugh darkly together. But he noticed this was free, light laughter. I remembered what it felt like to feel fluttering, senseless joy in a mundane moment – rather than laughter for desperate survival. It was glorious and bubbling, light and uplifting and so very, very good I cried too. And it was good.

  93. The laughter made me feel like Grandpa & Charlie drinking the Fizzy Lifting Drinks- but there was no giant metal fan above us anymore.

    Next video: laughter. 😊

  94. I’M NOT CRYING YOU’RE CRYING! Okay, I’m crying. What a huge hairy spectacularly joyous thing this is!

  95. I am thrilled that you’re starting to see some positive results! Please keep talking about your journey. I also suffer from medication-resistant depression and i’m very interested in how this turns out for you. This promising treatment has given me so much hope!

  97. I’m so happy for you! We are all rooting for you, Jenny.

    And that embroidery! Amazing. And, I’ll bet if you turned it over, it wouldn’t be the hot mess that mine used to be back when I attempted it.

  98. Emotions! That’s awesome! I’m so happy for you, Jenny. Also, your embroidery is amazing and I can’t believe how incredible you are at so many things. We’re all pulling for you. <3

  99. Words … words … nope, can’t find any. There are no words for that light that comes after the gray-green numbness. Rain in the desert. And after your video I have tears, now, too. Good crying is … good. Lovelovelove to you, Jenny.

  100. ‘Now, lord,’ said Gandalf, ‘look out upon your land! Breathe the free air again!’ ….

    … Suddenly through a rent in the clouds behind them a shaft of sun stabbed down. The falling showers gleamed like silver, and far away the river glittered like a shimmering glass.

    ‘It is not so dark here,’ said Théoden.

    J. R. R. Tolkien, The Two Towers

  101. You continue to inspire so many people. Let those new emotions in and enjoy them. Thank you for sharing your journey, you have an awesome tribe out here.

  102. Wish I could give you a big ole’ hug….I know the numbness and lack of emotion depression causes, thanks for the inspiration and know that you’re not alone.

  103. What a beautiful post, thank you for sharing. So happy for you and I hope you continue to progress and heal.

  106. I’m so very happy for your success today and praying for continued success and joy!

  107. That is amazing, wonderful, happy news. Definitely worthy of shedding happy tears! Thank you for sharing such an important and personal moment. Love you, Jenny!

  108. My depression is numbness, too. I have a difficult time writing because I don’t remember what human emotions are like besides anxiety. I’m glad you’ve found a way to beat it, at least for a little while.

  109. Two weeks ago I bike Machu Picchu despite an ankle and foot joint with almost no cartilage left- because I wanted to see it no matter what. And last week I had stem cells injected into those places. Stars and Stripes, not forget but in 8 months I might be almost if not completely better. Stuff that can cause pain can cure. Hang tough girl

    The Sent from my iPhone

    >

  111. I love you, though I don’t know you. Thank you for sharing. I wish I could go back to balanced emotion, I have the opposite problem, too much feels but I totally get it cos there have been times when I had no feels. Both are too extreme, I hope this experiment works for you Jenny. Your first book is the first one I could read after trauma and it gave me laughter back. I wish I could repay you for that, the laughter especially. I saw your post on music and I have been like that a while. Music used to power me, now I barely listen. Jedi Hugs.

  112. Thank you so much for posting and sharing this and being so vulnerable to help others 🙂 BIG HUGS

  113. I am glad you can be so honest with us. It is as if you are my real friend. Thank you for sharing this. It is good to document things for reference.

  114. You are so brave, thank you for sharing. I love you and how open you are.

  116. Jenny, I commented already, but wanted you to know that I featured you on MY blog today…entitled there is always hope
    the blog post is called Furiously Happy – A Tribute and I wanted to honour you because I’m so proud of you and happy for you and inspired by you. I want others to know that there IS hope. I’m only a baby blogger…I’m really just getting started now. I blog about Chronic Pain, Chronic Fatigue, Fibromyalgia and Invisible Illness. I hope you get a chance to see it but even if you don’t, you’ve given hope to a lot of people today with THIS post of yours. Thank you!!!! oxoxox

  119. I’m in tears because I’m SO HAPPY FOR YOU! My heart is full knowing you have hope.

  120. I’m SO SO HAPPY that the treatments seem to be working! I feel numb when I’m depressed too, so I can really relate. I hope that the treatments continue to work and you continue to feel your emotions!!!

  123. Your feet look so tiny and cute in the selfie 🤳🏽 😃
    Your smile is beautiful

  124. your daughter is adorable and she definitely takes after her mother…and the tears are perfect. Feelings can be hard, sometimes, and we surprise ourselves. (I cried, too)

  125. This is so beautiful, Jenny – thank you. And THIS is going to make me sound a little nutty (bad intro – hang with me!) but I can totally see a difference in your eyes in this video. I don’t see you all the time, of course, but I’ve seen you enough to catch this … shift. I can’t even put it into words – but it’s like a different (but the same) light has been switched on. Sorry to be so damn vague. I’ve never posted a comment before, but I totally ‘see’ it, Jenny – and I wanted you to know. Please stay strong and keep telling us all about all of it!

  127. I’m so so so soooo happy for you!! My depression is pretty much the exact opposite, totally overfeeling emotions, but I definitely get that feeling of relief! And it’s very obvious on your face, it looks like a huge weight has been lifted. I really hope this keeps working for you!

  129. I am SOO FUCKING HAPPY FOR YOU, JENNY!
    “Don’t stop believing! Hold onto that feeling!”
    I adore you!
    ~ Psycho #? of your cult following. (Really, we should be numbered I think.)

  130. I understand the uncomfortable numbness. We probably have all heard about side effects of anti-depressants such as increase in suicidal thoughts, but I was very unhappy to find that the Prozac I was taking had a numbing effect. Fortunately, I got off of that earlier this year.

    Also, I’m feeling hopeful about your treatments! How about that…your treatment is affecting a random person.

  131. Hoorayyyy! Bring on all the feelings! Celebrate and share your triumphs dammit.. I was told to do that during a couples counseling session once. BUT WHATEVER! It applies! The light you share multiplies…like Gremilns in a good way. We all lurve you muchos Jenny and are in your corner. 🙂

  133. I am very happy for you Jenny and I am praying the effects don’t wear off. Can I just say, that no matter how long I stare and/or squint at your excellent embroidery, all I can see is a woman with an octopus on her face!? Is that the subject matter or am I beyond weird and wrong??

  136. I’m so glad this is working for you! I have thought about it too, but hey are still using meds. It’s going ok.
    Can’t wait for your new books, I’ve got all your others they help a lot

  137. I’m so glad you’re finding success with your treatment! Thanks for continuing to share about it and for being real. Many hugs to you!

  142. That video is so raw and real that I’m a little teary over here. I have a bad habit of being jealous of people who feel numb because I tend to feel TOO MUCH all the time, even depressed, but I know that’s awful too, just like all this other MH crap.

    I hope that you AT THE VERY LEAST start getting done regular respites from this terrible illness. I alway come out feeling odd and confused on the other side, unsure of what I should be doing now that I don’t NEED to binge watch Netflix and play Merge Dragons all day. Feeling better is weird and overwhelming. One of these days I’m going to write about that on my blog because I think more people should talk about what happens when you aren’t depressed. I hope you get the chance to write about it first though!

    Also your embroidery is gorgeous and reminding me that pretty embroidery thread is not just for hoarding.

  143. You are wonderful and fabulous. Thank you so much for sharing your tears. <3

  144. For what it’s worth, that is so not an ugly cry. It’s beyond beautiful. I’m thrilled for you that the TMS treatments are working. Depression took my mother, and right now we’re doing a medication trial with my son (who is devastated by anxiety and panic attacks), and so far it’s not going well. Having a very tough time keeping the faith that we’ll find something to help his brain.

  145. I love that your panoramic self-portrait makes you look fifty feet tall…although your positive influence is so much bigger than that,

  146. you are such an inspiration.
    I remember how i felt the first time I got clean. I was crying in front of a group of convicts and people who were at rehab because they lost everything.

    All i lost was my retail job.
    As an artist, it’s so nice to be able to feel your soul again. 🙂

  149. So glad your treatment is working. Maybe you could do a book of embroidery designs?

  150. This is amazing! This is such a simple video but it has so much hope and victory and honesty in it! I’ve never met you but I’m so, so proud of you!

  151. You are amazing, and an inspiration. I feel so tied to you, and I really care about what you are going thru. I hope all the good feels continue.

  153. I’ve watched this so many times today. I love that you feel! And you remind us all to feel! And I’m more and more grateful that you share you with us! ❤️

  155. Aww, Jenny! <3 Thank you for reminding us to fight the good fight and look for the light! Thank you for being so brace and sharing this with us. And thank you for being the angel that helped me pull myself out of the dark too! All the best!!

  157. Wow. Just — wow. I don’t know you and you don’t know me, so I can’t explain why I’m so happy for you about this little bit of your life, but I am. Made me smile – which you usually do anyhow, but in a very different context…congratulations are in order, yes?

  158. Thank you so much for all you do! I’m sitting here in tears too. Because of you, I finally sought treatment with an therapist. This year one my students was hospitalized for sucicial thoughts. I gave him your book. Thank you, thank you.

  159. Have you tried Ketamine??
    A (very few) docs are doing TMS WITH a Ketamine injection.

    I’ve most the shit you’ve do also helps with a myriad of chronic pain…

  160. I’m so totally happy for you! And love your awesome super tiny feets 🙂

  161. I’m glad for you and I hope it works. I’m also really envious because I can barely afford meds (so I don’t take them the way I should) and that kind of therapy – which may very well be a cure! – is way way beyond my reach.

    Thanks for keeping us posted!

  162. I’m so happy for you! Do the treatments shrink your feet? You might need to buy some clown shoes to balance. How do you feel today? Are you still feeling emotion? I hope so. Thank you for generously sharing your pain to help others. And thank you for allowing us to link to our blogs. More generosity of spirit on your part. God bless you.

  163. So happy for you! You are a gift to all of us. Thank you for being so open to share. It helps.

  164. so glad for your bravery and openness. i teach a nami family to family class and have had a young woman be a guest speaker several times on ECT and how it is different now days, and how it has helped her. so great to have a first hand account of TMS for families. thank you, thank you, thank you!
    and, push for parity in mental health care! well, in health care in general, including any pre-existing conditions and all that. argh. that button.

  165. Working or coincidence–you’re feeling better. And that’s worth having a happy cry over. I’ll continue hoping for the absolute best for you!

  166. To feel anything close to this during a depression is absolutley incredible! I get it. To be able to see out of the pit is a huge step in the right direction. So proud of you. xoxo

  167. Oh, sweetie! I am both so happy for you and so sad. So happy that you are finally getting some relief and so sad that you have had to go through so much to get it. So proud of your bravery. Love to you and your family.

  169. I watched this, and I teared up, and I realized I was hugging myself because I was trying to hug you. Thank you, Jenny – thank you for sharing this, and thank you for being you. HUGGING YOU AGAIN!

  170. You’re so very right about what you said about mental illness, and so brave to try this new treatment. Thank you so much for sharing this journey with us. If it works for you, it opens up new doors for others who suffer. And I have faith that it will work. Hang in there and keep fighting. I’m rooting for you. Your embroidery looks great, by the way, and repeatedly stabbing something in the head with a pin is a stress reliever I may have to try someday soon. Thanks for the tip.

  171. I’m very happy for you but shan’t jinx it. So, instead I’d like to discuss your long and short stitches. They are great. My long and short stitches are more like long overdue to arrive and I’m way short of patience after practicing for 7 years (by 7 years I mean about 7 months but I swear I was mostly dedicated for at least 1/4 th of that time when I wasn’t sleeping, eating, working or other generic non-stitching activities.)

    Also, is that a ribbon in the hair of the octopus? Your seed stitches are pretty, too. So far I’m awesome at samplers and I make an awesome leaf…but just one leaf and it must be the size of a pepperoni or it is a sucky leaf. You know what I mean about samplers, right? Otherwise the size reference of pepperoni might make you think I’m talking about appetizers from, like, TGIFridays but I’m not. I wouldn’t, ever, because they change the menu too much and abolished my beloved artichoke spinach dip and replaced it with some imposter with panko breading (no offense to the panko breading out there because I seriously love you Panko breading) but your newish dip sucks TGIFridays. But not your long and short stitches, Jenny. I better go. This threading compliment got way out of line. Sorry.

  172. So very happy for you! When the numbness lifts it’s an AMAZING feeling to have feelings again. I just burst into happy tears for you while sitting at my desk. It’s hard to understand unless you’ve been there how isolating and awful not being able to feel anything is. Also your embroidery is awesome.

  173. Oh how I hope for you that this will work! Even just a little bit. Knock on wood, motherfucker!

  174. I’m getting ready to start rtms too. Your posts give me some hope. Thanks Jenny.

  175. Never stop never stopping Jenny! (ripped off Pop Star Andy Samberg, but you deserve it more)
    And get those embroidery designs into mass production STAT!

  177. I am so so happy for you. I’ve heard this can be s magical treatment. Looks like it might be for you.

  179. Jenny, have you ever tried ECT? More effective than the treatment you’re doing, it’s changed my life completely:)

  183. So glad your treatments are working. Love your photos too – especially the titchy feet! I’m now following you on Instagram, although I feel a bit out of my league as you have more than 97,000 followers and I have 73!

  185. Keep posting about your TMS treatment!!! Every day or several times a day! Depression runs in my family (including me). You are doing all of us sufferers, and our friends and family, a wonderful service whenever you talk about your experiences. I’ve been a fan for years and, just so you know, now collect metal chickens for my yard. They are pretty life sized but I am saving up for the 5′ tall granddaddy that I’ve had my eye on for awhile. So thank you for metal chickens too.

  186. Whether or not it’s the treatment or something else, I am so, so happy for you and this moment, happy enough that I cried enough I had to blow my nose. I’m so glad you’re getting some light, it’s so wonderful when it’s there.

  189. oh love, you are SO wonderful and that you let us in to share is more amazing than anything else. thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you

  190. You are so brave to be so raw and open with the world. You are my hero! Thank you for being you, and thank you for sharing yourself with the world.

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