Is this how it’s supposed to be?

in If I was a dog I'd be dead by now, more than meets the eye, TMS is painful but not as painful as depression

 

Happiness.  Every day I have it drilled in my head…figuratively.  And now sort of literally.

My 15th session of transcranial magnetic stimulation was yesterday.  My 16th, 17th, 18th and 19th this week.  Another 20 lay ahead.  They still hurt a little, the magnets drilling and tapping so loudly I have to wear earplugs.  My blinking tic beats out an involuntary pattern with the rhythm and my eyes water.  Afterward my skull feels misshapen, my face stiff as I make strange faces on the long drive home.  But each day I feel stronger and instead of feeling like my mental illness is being beaten into submission each session, it feels different.  I feel the pulses shooting goodness into my head.  It’s worth the pain, I think.  The slow tapping on the right side of my brain where my anxiety lives.  It whispers with each pulse:  YOU.  WILL.  BE.  STRONGER.

The furiously fast drilling on the left side of my brain where my depression lives:  YouWillBeOkayYouWillBeOkayYouWillBeOkay  *breathe*  *remember to breathe*  

I feel different.

On Sunday I think I looked almost like a normal person. I was still scared.  With each step I knew I could fall back, that the exhaustion and fatigue and anxiety could hit me at any second.  My daughter knew too…and she was amazed at each step I took.  Yes, we can go get lunch.  Yes, I’ll take you to get new shorts.  Yes, we can go to the mall, the candy shop, the book store.  Yes, we can swim and listen to show tunes and sing.  Yes, we can play a game.  Yes, I’ll read to you.  

Yes…I’m enjoying this too.

It was the most I’ve done in a single day in…longer than I can remember.  And instead of ending the day feeling rung-out and empty and raw I felt…normal?  Is this what normal looks like?  Because if it is I want this.

Normally I struggle with simple things.  I make strange choices.  The strength is takes to shower or the energy it takes to eat?  You don’t get both so choose wisely.  Every action takes such work…as if living with mental illness is like waking to a new different disability each day.  Someone else could quickly do the simple tasks of the day but I am hobbled.  It can take hours for me to do what could be done in a good day in minutes.  But not today.  Today I feel strong.  I feel guilty for being able to leave the house without xanax to dull the world…for being able to accomplish the things that normal people do every day.  And I feel angry that this comes so easily.  I shouldn’t.  I should feel lucky and blessed but then I remind myself that it’s not just happiness coming back….it’s all of the emotions.   It feels like cheating, like I’m on some illegal drug or cheating somewhow…stealing these emotions I forgot were so strong.    And maybe that’s for the best because it means that I appreciate how much mental illness takes from me when it is present and how much it’s worth fighting for relief.  Even with it hiding I know it is a terrible monster I will always fear.

When this monster shows its face I fear the world, I fear myself.  I loathe the terrible things that I see and I am too paralyzed to even discuss the news items that stick in my head.  My dr tells me it’s not safe for me to dwell on these things and it’s true…my intrusive, compulsive thoughts makes me obsess about terrible things that happen in the world.  She reminds me that it will suck away my life if I allow myself to be paralyzed with fear and dread.  I am not built for rebellion.  Not yet.   She reminds me to look for the good in the world because it is real even if it doesn’t get the same press and this is a very good idea for people with broken brains, but mine keeps repeating “It’s not enough.  We’re all going to die.  The world is awful and I am a part of it.”

But now, today, it’s saying something different.  It says that the world is a terrible place…sometimes.  And filled with terrible people…who can change.  But suddenly I’m reminded that there are more people who I know who care, who are empathetic, who fight for others in quiet and loud ways.  I see that I am not alone.  I see how terrible it would be to feel the terror of the world by myself…and how heartening it is that I can see so many people doing small and beautiful things to make the world better.  I’m reminded (for the first time it feels like) of how alone I would feel if I was the only one who felt disconsolate or frustrated.  I’m reminded of how lucky I am to be surrounded by people around the world who care about others.  Who are here for each other.  I think I knew all this before.  But mental illness changes “knowing” and “believing” into two very different things and I can breathe for a moment and know that it will be okay.

It’s an epiphany that brings me such relief.  It’s going to be okay.  Not perfect, never perfect…but we will be okay even when we’re not okay.  Even when we’re wanting to be better than we are.  It’s okay to take a breath.  To love and celebrate and smile and mourn and dance and cry and start all over again.

After a Sunday of driving and shopping and dealing with real live people in the loud world I come home and I am so surprised to find that I am not exhausted.  My daughter tells my husband how much we did.  “Mom did so great!” she says.  As if I am the child.  And it makes my heart swell and break at the same time.  But I will take this.  I don’t want to lose it.  It feels so shaky.  Like holding on to magic you know can’t be real.

My husband mentions traveling this summer…the beginning of the same argument we have had for years.  I can’t travel.  It’s too taxing.  I would get sick.  I would end up in the same wheelchair I’ve ended too many trips in.  I would slow them down.  They go off together on adventures and I am sad but relieved.  I’ve missed many trips.  I missed the first time my daughter saw Japan.  I watched them on FaceTime from my self-imposed jail as they explore the world.

But I will not miss the first time she sees Europe.  Because it will be the first time I see Europe too.

I think it surprised Victor, how quickly I said “Okay.  You know what?  I’ll go.”  He and Hailey held their breath as if I’d take it back.  I hold my breath too.  I wait for my body to say, “No, this was a trick.  It’s not real.  You don’t deserve this.”  But it’s not saying that.  Not yet at least.  It’s saying, “I want to go.  I want to live.  I’ve been waiting so long.”  It says “Let’s see Scotland and London and Paris.  Let’s walk on distant islands and walk through mountains and see the things that I can’t quite imagine really exist because I never thought it would have been possible to see them.  But maybe, a little voice inside my head whispers, maybe it’s possible.

Maybe.

Maybe this is real.  Maybe it’s not forever but it’s for today and if it’s real today then there’s a chance that any day in the future could be like this one…full of promise and energy and an ease I feel like I’ve stolen…one that I feel jealous of even as I experience it.

Next month I will have completed 35 days of TMS treatment for anxiety and depression.  And to celebrate (knock on wood) I will see things I never thought possible.  Some of them in distant lands, yes, but many of them the lovely, simple things that the rest of the world takes for granted.  I will take my daughter.  I will say to her, “Look.  Here is the world.  It’s been waiting for you.”

I will say it to myself too.

Please God let me still believe it.

404 thoughts on “Is this how it’s supposed to be?”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I really hope Jenny, you, Victor and Hailey get to enjoy all that you can see and do in Europe.

  3. SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!! I hope this continues to be the miracle it seems to be!

  4. I hope you still believe it too, just because I want to see what you write about on your travels.

  5. this made me cry so many tears at my desk because I can not relate enough.

  6. Oh my goodness, a feel so happy for you that this may continue — and even if it doesn’t that you’ve had these moments of energy and joy. I hope it continues!

  7. This makes me so happy to read. Your books and blogs and Tweets have given me so many laughs. It’s only fair that someone who gives so much joy and happiness, gets it in return for themselves.

  9. So glad it’s helping (fingers crossed.) The world is filled with terrible and amazing people. I hope you find the ones that give you hope.

  10. I’m so fucking happy for you that I’m going to forgive the fact that you just made me cry at work. Here’s to a thousand more days even better and brighter than this one. We’re all rooting for you…
    Lots of love and virtual hugs to you. xo.

  11. I am pulling for you. So many are. Thank you for sharing. Your journey doesn’t make me feel less afraid, but it does make me feel less alone and that means a lot. Not being alone means a lot.

  12. I read this and started to cry… SO SO SO SO happy for you!!! You deserve it all and more! XO

  15. “Here is the world. It’s been waiting for you”….. It IS waiting for you. You amaze me more every time I read your blog. I’m a person who prays, so I’m praying for you. You go, girl!

  17. I start rTMS next week and am anxious about it. Thank you for sharing your experiences with it – it’s very encouraging.

  18. No, you’re crying at your desk. Crying happy tears because my god do you deserve to see this world. We all do.

  21. It’s always a good thing when you find something that works.
    I began practicing/studying Tai Chi about 9 years ago. I was dealing with a major depression plus the aftermath of a painful femoral fracture which disabled me. I lost my profession (I was an accomplished OperatingRoom Nurse) as well as my passion…competitive roller skating. I also had many hours of acupuncture. These days, I have my occasional dark day or suicidal thought…but I now have coping mechanisms which get me thru the challenges.
    Best of luck on your journey.

  22. You wonderful, brave and lovely being, this is so great to hear. Breath. All will be well, your journey has just gotten a little brighter. Watch out Europe!

  23. Jenny, this is the most joyous post I have ever read! I am so happy for you and I hope that someday you will come on the JoCo Cruise with us. All of your friends that you have never met will to so happy to see you!

  25. I don’t think I’ve ever been so fucking happy for someone I’ve never met!

  26. sign me up for summa dat TMS; you have me sold. I’m happy for you Jenny!

  27. Oh Jenny, your final paragraph brought tears to my eyes. I myself, am one of the lucky ones – have never been depressed other than when my mom died and well, that’s certainly an expected response. But in less than 3 months, I was myself again. However, I live with someone who has his share of difficulties and, many in my immediate family suffered quietly and not so quietly of mental diseases. Your words give hope to so many who struggle and even to those of us who need a slight emotional reality check now and then too. I look forward to your travels, of all types!

  28. ” She reminds me to look for the good in the world because it is real even if it doesn’t get the same press and this is a very good idea for people with broken brains”

    Look in the mirror. You have helped so many of us.

  29. Oh, Jenny. This post made me cry. I’m in the midst of a bit of a backslide, and I resonate so hard with the challenges of doing everyday things that other people do with ease. I hope that your recovery is long-term, and that you enjoy every moment of Europe, and of being with your family. (I would also argue that not only are you built for rebellion, but that you are leading one against an illness that lies and that takes too many people. You’ve been leading the charge on that fight for years in the way you write about your experiences. The work you do has a real, tangible impact in the world– you are exactly one of those good people fighting the good fight.)

  30. I can’t stop crying. I feel such relief, joy, and love reading and experiencing your happiness. Thank you for sharing. So grateful I found this little internet haven.

  31. I’m so happy for you, Jenny! I recently had my first moment in a lonnng time of that “wait a second… I’m happy and it hasn’t gone away yet…” feeling. Even when the shitstorm feelings take over, it’s incredible to be able to remember one of those moments and know it can happen again. I’m so excited for you to see a new part of the world and more importantly, to believe it’s possible 🙂

  32. I love you, Jenny. You deserve all the good things. You deserve tea and scones and jam in England and Scotland and to bite into a work of art pastry in Paris and you deserve to watch your daughter’s face as she discovers new places.

  33. YAY! Your writing style makes things so clear, so easy to understand. I appreciate it, and you, and I’m very glad you are getting some relief…

  34. Don’t forget to enjoy your joy. I am so happy for you. I know happiness can make us anxious. Love every minute of this! Sending positive vibes!

  35. The paragraph that starts, “when this monster shows its face,” and ends with “the world is awful and I am part of it?” I feel like that’s me talking. I get that. I wish I had a way to make that all go away, but have thought that making it go away means I don’t care, and I do, I care so much. Where is the balance? I hope to find it, too. I’m glad you’re finding it, Jenny, even if it’s just for now.

  36. The more I read about your experience, the more I think I HAVE to ask my neurologist about this. Maybe it;s not to late for me, either (I will be 60 in October).

  37. Jenny Jenny Jenny Jenny Jenny!!!! I am so excited and happy for you and proud of you to read this!! Europe is absolutely my favorite (I live in Germany right now) and especially England, Scotland, and Ireland! I’m so thrilled for you all to experience it!

  38. Oh Jenny:

    You are so courageous to have chosen to tackle your depression and anxiety in this way and to share your story and hope with all of us. I understand the how the guilt creeps in; good for you for not letting it win the argument in your head. Do you feel like a new person or like you are re-becoming yourself?

    Ruth

    (It feels like I’ve forgotten that I used to be this person. Like when you get new glasses and realize how much you haven’t been seeing as your eyes have gotten worse. It feels like a reset. Not a perfect one though. I’m still not 100% and I still have had some black days while in treatment, but the good days are stronger. ~ Jenny)

  39. I’m having happy tears for you, Jenny. Enjoy all the new feelings. So, so happy for you!

  40. This was so good to read. You have brought so much happiness to so many people that it seems only fair that yippy get some happiness of your own.

  41. I’ve been struggling to remember that the world isn’t all awful too. It’s quite lovely sometimes. Let’s learn this together.

  46. All.The.Feels.
    Seriously have goosebumps right now.
    Thank you for sharing the light!

  47. Do you have any idea how much I hate to cry? Or how much I need to? If I could I’d gift all the world to you – forever.

  48. You do not know how thrilled and excited I am for you! While I have been very lucky because my illness is controlled by medication, I do remember what it was like feeling so out of sync with the world. I don’t know that I’ll ever know what being completely ‘normal’ is like, but it is wonderful to not have to experience so many mood swings. I hope you have many new adventures and feel joy at all of them!

  50. This is the real deal, Jenny, the marvel of being. It’s actually very simple, like waking up. I couldn’t be happier for you or more excited for all of us who get to experience it through your eyes. No matter what is happening, it is right here.

  51. I hope you still believe it because you deserve every happy moment you can get.
    But also because I don’t know how to be normal anymore and I too need to believe that things can, one day, be better. That I might feel pleasure again for the things I like and hope for a future without guilt and exhaustion. Just not today, though. One day. You are an inspiration for all of us.

  52. I’m so happy to hear you looking forward to exploring all the joys of life with your family. You’re such a beautiful person Jenny and we’re all cheering you on. Now, I’m off to get some Kleenex!

  53. You beautiful soul, thank you for this. You have no idea how many people you give hope to. I am delighted for you and hope you have the best of times in Europe! Much love, many hugs and beautiful thoughts going your way.

  54. Since I am unfamiliar with this procedure, after your next 20 appointments, will there be maintenance involved? Like do you go back once a year for 5 appointments or whatever?

    (It depends. If it doesn’t work for me in the end then it’s considered a failed treatment and I give up on it. If it does work then most people have to come back in a few times a year for maintenance appointments when the depression gets bad again. Some go into full remission and never have to get maintenance appointments but they’re rare. ~ Jenny)

  55. I know exactly the feeling. You’ll push for your happiness (and be resolved to fight/donate/pray/hope for people to get access to what you’ve had). You fight back that much harder because you know that the good side is better than you could have dreamed. I am SO HAPPY for you.

  56. I’m over here crying tears of joy for you and all the strides you’ve made, along with tears of realness your words made me think about myself.

    So very happy for you and your family, Jenny!

  57. Jenny,
    You are so on your way to being a superhero! You are overcoming all that you’ve known that scares you to go out into the world and conquer. I think all of your readers are amazed by your strength and determination that this (depression) will NOT dominate your life. You are truly an inspiration! Now, go forth and pick your superhero name! Let us know what it is.

  58. Jenny I’m so happy for you… but, am I a terrible person because I feel a tiny bit abandoned, too? If you don’t feel depressed and anxious any more, but I still do, a part of me feels scared that you won’t write about the same things, and then I will lose the connection I felt in the darkness. It’s selfish I know, but reading the things you write about depression and anxiety makes me feel less alone.

    (I so get this. You’re not alone. I worry too that the darkness of depression is what makes me write. From what I’ve read it doesn’t cure mental illness. I’ll still have it even if it works. I’ll still have to go in for touch up treatments when it gets really dark. But it’s a shock to the system that can get you out of the major depressive episode I’ve been in so long. I’ll probably always have anxiety and depression and medication and therapy. My hope though is that this gives me more good days than bad. ~ Jenny)

  59. So happy for you. Your description of your illness was very beneficial to understanding how depression feels.

  60. I’m so incredibly happy and excited for you! You really deserve to be able to do normal things and I can’t wait to hear about Europe.

  61. Jeezy peezy! What a brilliant post! Beautifully written description of such a personal, intimate journey. Jenny, you are a pure wonderment, and you give everybody a reason to believe.

  62. I think this is the most vulnerable I’ve ever seen (read) you before, and it’s equally exhilarating and scary(?)! Not that I’m scared for you, but I just feel all the emotions you’re talking about all at once and I hope you don’t get overwhelmed and the awesomeness of feeling again WILL stay with you. It’s hard for me to explain, but it’s like watching a baby bird learn to fly with all the pride and trepidation of a hopeful mommy bird. Not that I’m your mother… or a bird… or… ANYWAY, hopefully you get what I’m trying to say.

    Sending all the positive vibes in the world to you sweet lady!!!!! <3 <3 <3

  63. This gives me so much hope. I visited Chicago back in May, and I missed some amazing things, because my panic disorder kicked in one evening, and I couldn’t leave my hotel room. At the end of the trip, I found a tattoo parlor and got the alchemical symbol for half an ounce (i.e., a tablespoon) tattooed on my forearm, because I’ve used Spoon Theory to explain why I’m the way I am to many of my friends, and this way, I always have one spoon on me.

    I am so happy that the magnetic woodpecker thing is working for you. Even if I’m not in a place to get magnetipecked myself, it’s a relief to know that there is treatment out there, and that it actually works. Fingers crossed and candles lit for its continued success.

  64. Once again, thank you for verbalizing the struggle. The gift of feeling so miserable so much of the time is the few seconds, minutes, hours, or days of not feeling that way, but we need constant, constant, constant reminding; and you do that so well.

  66. Of all the things you’ve written, this is the best one. For me, anyway. So many of us on here you don’t know personally, but you have an effect by talking about what happens to you. Mazel tov, and enjoy Europe.

  67. That’s the most inspirational piece of writing I’ve read in years. So happy for you.

  68. This is so great! I’m so happy for you. Enjoy every minute. You deserve it!

  69. Take this day as it is and enjoy it. We never know how long the strong periods will last, so embrace the fuck out of them when they come.

  70. Happy tears reading this! OMG. I’ve never been to Europe and I’m so excited that you’re going!

  72. The world has been waiting for you. The joys and the wonder – how magnificent it will be to see and taste and feel the life that is there…and here…and is yours. Breathe deep, and enjoy. In the words of my favorite poet…”dance, and sing, and be alive in the mystery.”

  73. I’m very proud of you Jenny! You’ll never know how much you have helped so many. Your honesty and sometimes painful truths that you post are a testament to many that they are not alone and there is hope. I wish you so much happiness! What you call the monster, I call the devil. The devil wants to kill our joy.

  77. What a wonderful post, it had me tearing up. I’m glad the new treatment seems to be working and I hope it just continues to get better. I’ll send you as much good karma as I can so you can make that trip to Europe.

  79. Gosh, you paint a very tempting picture. I know the reality of strange choices (shower or laundry? can’t always do both in one day). I kind of wonder if this would work for me, although my brain is broken in different ways than yours.

    But the main thing I have to say is GO FOR IT.
    Even if this doesn’t last. Even if you only make it through half of Europe – it is still half. Go out and give them hell, and if your energy is still here next week, or next year, give them hell somewhere else. You deserve to have good things.

  80. Oh Jenny, this is so amazing to read, I’m welled up at my desk. I hope Europe is as wonderful as you’ve imagined it. Even if things start to go back to how they were, try to hold onto this feeling and remember that YOU CAN DO THIS!

  81. How amazing! I survived my worst depression about 6 years ago. At first when i started feeling better it was like depression wasjust under my skin and I had to be careful with each thought and step. As time pasted it would feel like it was a little deeper in my skin (in a good way, harder to break out), then deeper and deeper. One day it feel like it was in a box in my heart. The box gets stronger with time. It made me feel more comfortable to feel. I still have anxiety, bouts of depression and AvPD. But the weight is gone most months. I can go a whole month without a severe behavioral disorder. Other months I can have a panic attack at a bowling alley, just by hearing too many people and crashing pins. But I have more normal than crushing sadness. I hope you get that same feeling of strength and the fading of depressions power. Even if it just a box deep down inside you.

  82. As I’m reading this, all I can think is I want to HUG the screen – literally hug it. To see the joy and hope in your words, the light… it’s a wonderful thing. May you and your family continue to experience these emotions and energy! Embrace your opportunity!

  83. BRAVO Jenny! You deserve to see this magnificent world with your husband and child!

  84. I love you so much. You’re so brave and beautiful. I read your blog posts all them time, I don’t always post a reply, but you are such a bright light, especially for someone who is finally taking control of her own mental health issues.

  85. My eyeballs are suddenly leaking! So pleased for your progress, and excited for your upcoming trip! Truly. We’re pulling for you!!!

  86. Thank you for sharing the whole thing — the illness, the uncertainty, the pain, and now this!

    I don’t know which parts of traveling are the best or the hardest for you (or V or H, for that matter), but when my grandmother took me and my mother to Europe, both for the first time, my mother put the Isle of Iona on her very short list. It’s not easy to get to, but you see a lot of Scotland on the way… and it’s a place where the earth has been whispering back to humans for a long, long time. It’s why my mother wanted to go… but even I felt it. Also: sheep and ruins and ocean and tiny post office. http://www.welcometoiona.com/

    (We’re going to the Isle of Skye, I think. ~ Jenny)

  89. Jenny, great post. May I ask? What is your mental illness. It sounds like OCD, which I have. My life was saved with medication.

    (Anxiety, depression, Avoidant personality disorder, impulse control disorder, mild OCD. My depression is treatment resistant so that’s why I’m doing TMS. 🙂 ~ Jenny)

  90. I’m crying tears of joy and relief for you, Jenny! The tears are for me too, because I live with depression, anxiety and chronic illnesses. Most of the time I function fairly well, but there are times when the pain and fatigue suck me in and that makes it difficult to do anything.

    I’m so very happy that the treatments are working for you, and I hope the effects are long lasting! What a joy it must be to go out with your daughter for the day, to plan a vacation, and to thrive!!!

    I’m celebrating your success with you!

  91. Jenny, you are the MOST empathetic person, always fighting for others in quiet and loud ways. You are NOT alone and you are an inspiration to us all. It is understandable to feel the terror of the world right now…please CONTINUE to do the many small and beautiful things that make our world better. You are such a beautiful role model for Hailey and everyone who reads your words. I loved all of your first 3 books and look forward to reading about your travels in Europe and books 4 and 5. Blessings to your family and I hope you can feel the love by reading everyone’s comments. I am so glad this is working for you, crying many tears of happiness today.

  92. I am crying as I read your post because I’m so happy for you. I wish you all the emotions and energy and normalcy you can handle.

  93. I have no words, only tears because you wrote this so well and it’s so beautiful to see the shell starting to crack and the phoenix emerging. All my good wishes to you.

  96. Go, Go, Go, Go, Go Girl! Go sit in the Goldilocks chairs at Jardin du Luxembourg. Sip late afternoon tea at the Laduree on rue Bonaparte with a side of St Honore Rose Framboise. The l’Orangerie and the Cluny are bite-sized museums and you can drink in so much beauty there. Take a cooking class at Le Foodist! These are all pretty low-impact activities.

  97. I’m crying. Your words speak to my heart. I’m so happy for you

  98. Wow! I’ve been reading your blog for years, since before I began my battle with anxiety and depression. Your words continue to give me the strength to fight on and to keep looking for the joy in the world because it is there. I hope that you are able to continue having adventures big and small with your family!

  99. I have so many feelings about this. YES sums them up. I’m so happy for you. May the good things continue forever and ever.

  101. You didn’t steal this ease you feel. You’ve earned it. You earned it by sharing your experiences with others. You earned it by making others laugh. And you’ve earned it by trying treatments and blazing the trail for others to try them. I recommend your books to my clients. Now I can recommend TMS, because of you.
    I hope you will honor me by reading the attached blog I wrote “starring” you. Thanks Jenny. For everyone. And everything.

  102. Take that European trip for all of us who WANT to take that same trip, but can’t for whatever reason, Jenny. <3 You can DO this. And come back with amazing stories to tell. 😀

  103. It’s good today; it will be better tomorrow, and better and better and better!!! You are the strongest woman I know and your life is getting better -not perfect- because no one or nothing is ever perfect – but it is good. You are a superstar – enjoy the good feelings.

  104. literal tears of joy for you reading this. happy for you, proud of your bravery. you will win. if not this way, another. you’re fighting back, and it’s amazing.

  106. I am giving you a virtual hug and wishing you the best vacation in Europe!

  108. I have all the feels! I am going through my own recovery from mental illness, and there is so much here that could be drawn from my own life. It’s so affirming to read that someone else is following a similar road, the “what, I can really do this? And this? Holy shit, is this what normal people are like ALL THE TIME?” is so familiar. I have always come back to your blog for comfort, commiseration, understanding, and that single thread of affirmation that I clung on to in my absolute darkest times, I tell my friends going through hard times, I send them here to hear that fundamental truth, “Depression Lies”. Thank you so much for sharing so much for so long – you will never know how much it has meant.

    Btw, I live in Europe (in Edinburgh), if you are coming to Scotland, and you need to decompress, chill, take a break from travel, or if it all gets too much, you would be welcome to stay with us and hide from the world for a day or two to recover. We live in North Edinburgh and have enough of an internet presence that hopefully you would be able to ascertain that my family and I are real and totally above board in this offer!

  110. Keep going! There are so many people who love you and want you to succeed.

  112. England is worth it for the clotted cream alone! You can do this – I flew to London alone and had a major panic attack while waiting in Chicago for 5 hours to catch my flight (no direct flights out of Omaha – sorry!). I was in tears on the phone to my husband because I was terrified of flying over the ocean! Like, if I’m going to crash, land or sea won’t make a difference. But I made it, and it was wonderful, and you can understand what people are saying for the most part. I can’t wait until I can take my husband and kid as well. Sending giant hugs!!!!

  113. Jenny you are facing it with all of us wanting it to make that difference for you. There’s a lot of love being sent your way.

  114. So happy for you! And so excited that you’re going to get to visit Europe. If you plan to visit South West England, let me know I’d be happy to show you round Bath or Glastonbury.

  115. I have chill bumps and happy tears for you and your family. I have followed your journey for years. I do not personally have a mental illness but my husband does and I am also a nurse who sees it so much. Your hope gives me hope that everything will be ok. I hope you love Europe. It is amazing.

  117. Had tears reading this….I want you to go on this adventure so badly…you can and you will ❤❤❤

  118. I was exhausted just reading about what you did in one day. That would take me a month to do. You do give me hope that this feeling of simply existing for another day might be replaced by other feelings.

  119. Ditto, ditto all of the above! Just reading the comments has put me in a warm, fuzzy place. You’ve corralled a great group of people here. I hope you continue on this positive journey, I’m rooting for you and all of us! ❤

  120. I’m crying. You’ve brought be to tears of happiness. I understand and feel so much of this. Its like you’re the voice in my head. You inspire me everyday. You are my hero and the person I look up to.

  121. OMG this makes me so happy! Look at all the words you wrote – it shows how much energy you’re getting back! What I really love about this story is that I know how energy begets more energy and sunshine. You’ll feel more powerful, so you’ll do more things that take power – and it will energize you even more – not to mention, take you out of your head. You go!

  123. You deserve today and every day. All the emotions. All the joys. All the fears. And ALL THE HOPE. You being so much joy and laughter and realness and normalcy to living with depression. THANK YOU. Now grab on to those emotions and go see Europe with your wonderful family. You deserve it. Much love to you, Jenny.

  124. How wonderful. I am thrilled for you and for those who struggle and look for the good YOU are the good, you amrd all of those who struggle, but still reach out to help others. You have given so much. Now let the world give to you, for as.long as it will. Bless you!

  126. Dearest Jenny – this post has me in tears right now. You are such a beautiful soul and I am so sorry that your brain has ever even once lied to you and tried to tell you that you are not. I am so happy to read this update. I hope that you continue to find the days a little brighter.

    You have already put out so much goodness and light and laughter and love into the world. I hope that the world wasn’t so one-sided, though I suspect it was, or that your brain told you it was. There are things to see, and adventures to have – and I hope that you can have everything and get back even a little of what you have put out there. You are amazing. xo

  128. I hope you enjoy the fuck out of Europe! I hope you see stuff, eat, smell and experience things you never thought you would. I hope you’ll share the world with Hailey and see it is good. Mostly. I love you guys and I so want you to be happy. You’re not stealing it, you’re making it happen. Feel some joy and energy for those of us who can’t, and tell us all about it so we can do done vicarious living! Great big hugs, and I am so proud f you!
    Love,
    Jo

  129. This is what victory looks like!!
    Thrilled for you and your ever expanding new horizons!!
    Go conquer the world alongside your family!!

  130. Thank you for so courageously sharing your journey, warts and all, with everyone. You are a hero. <3

  133. I’m so happy for you, you deserve to be happy and to be able to do all of the things you want to do with your family. Hooray for the great news.

  136. My eyes and heart are welling up for you. The only thing that seems appropriate is to be furiously happy for you and I am. ❤️

  137. This is wonderful news! Just to have relief, even in small increments, must be wonderful. I sincerely hope you’re able to take that trip with your family. It’ll be wonderful for you all to experience new adventures together! You’re not along in questioning this world and wondering if there’s any good at all. We all sometimes have to sometimes take things one day, one hour or one minute at a time to keep from losing it. And all these comments are proof that you’re not alone in how you feel. To me, there is no normal. Just living. I’m so very glad that you are living to see another day and will revel in whatever delights you the next day!

  138. well if you go to Scotland I have some places for you to visit. NMS(national Museums Scotland) has Dolly the cloned sheep preserved and on display. There’s a few ghost tours. A great ice cream place in Edinburgh. The Harry Potter walking tour that starts at Greyfriar’s Kirkyard(grave and church yard) An awesome fish and chips place in St Andrews. Oh and the Bell Pettigrew Museum that is basically taxidermied animals from the 19th century. I wrote a thesis in that museum. It’s also in St Andrews. You can hang with the Victorian animals, Victor can play golf.

  139. I don’t have anything clever or remotely related to say except this; Press on, Jenny. You motivate me to write. Love and sarcasm forever. <3

  140. This is so amazing and beautiful! I am so happy for you and your family ❤️

  142. You are amazing. Reading your words, and thinking about how much courage you have to face all of this brings me to tears. Remember that you are wonderful and inspiring to so many people, and we are cheering for you in this battle to feel well. You deserve to be well.

  143. You’re so brave and your hope is inspiring. I’m visiting London right now and you will love this crazy, magnificent place. You deserve it. Come.

  144. I teared up at this post because I am so happy for you. Thank God, I’ve never experienced depression or mental illness, and am generally a happy person. But reading your post and having seen what you have been going through for so many years makes me appreciate just how lucky I am to be able to take my happiness for granted. May this continue for you without end! You deserve to be so happy!

  145. It. Is. Working.
    ❤️
    Keep track of the little things that build up the happy. And then keep doing them. It’s how you will continue past session 35.
    For me that means listening to and watching funny things, playing with my cats, enjoying your crazy ass Amazon recommendations, and consuming more cute animal content on social media than news.
    Don’t be scared to celebrate those teeny tiny milestones. They really do add up.

  148. This made me so happy for you, I cried. I have many family members with depression that can sometimes be crippling. I once had a student who spent many years depressed. When she tried meds for the first time and they worked, she thought she was high until she realized that this was just what people felt whose emotions were normal. Good on you. This made my day.

  150. Oh Jenny, my heart breaks and swells with joy for you. Wishing you all the good vibes in the world. Keep breaking through your egg shell, the universe awaits your arrival!

  152. I felt weird when I finally found the antidepressant that fit my brain chemistry just right… Like, is this just gonna….. WORK now? Huh.

    I occasionally feel resentful I spent so many years without it, but really I’m just glad it’s there.

  153. I have chills right now. Literal goosebumps. I am hoping so hard for you

  155. Jenny, Thank you for your courage !! You have made life much more bearable for me for years! All the best for you and your wonderful experiences yet to come.

  156. Thrilled for you Jenny, and for your family. I can imagine the joy of seeing you becoming stronger & more confident. Wishing you days, weeks, months and years of joy. Thank you for sharing your success with everyone, it’s truly inspiring. Walk on confidently!

  157. I was just watching the Wizard of Oz while doing some self-care (exercising) and this post reminded me of the song they sing as they run to the Emerald City for the first time. While you may not be completely “out of the woods” or “out of the dark” yet, you’re getting there. Good for you.

  159. <3

    I just copied this because I think we all need the reminder on occasion:

    “It’s going to be okay. Not perfect, never perfect…but we will be okay even when we’re not okay. Even when we’re wanting to be better than we are. It’s okay to take a breath. To love and celebrate and smile and mourn and dance and cry and start all over again.“

  160. I am actually crying. I am so happy for you. Yes, there is always the fear of a recurrence, but you’ve GOT this.

  161. You GO girl! Here, there and everywhere. And take us with you please. xo

  162. I love you,dear Jenny. You can do it, one day, one hour, one minute, one second at a time. You can, you can, you can. You will.

  163. ” She reminds me that it will suck away my life if I allow myself to be paralyzed with fear and dread. I am not built for rebellion. Not yet.”

    You are built for rebellion… It’s just a different rebellion. It’s a different part of the war. You may feel like you sit at home and hide, but you are leading our secret charge, out of the dark water, out of the dark, into the light. Your writing, your words, the people on this site, together we lock arms and march. There are too many battles going on in the world. Ignoring a different one doesn’t mean you aren’t winning this one. And this one is just as important. Fighting this one makes us all stronger. Gives us the strength to lend to those in the other battles, the other wars.

  164. You are very, very brave. And authentic. Grateful for your voice – and truth.

  165. I have found myself reading the news incessantly lately….always bad news. Just now I decided to look at my blog feed instead of the news….I found this post and was glad to see something positive happening somewhere in the world. Best wishes for you and your continued progress!

  166. I’m so so happy to read this. When the feeling hits “maybe it’s only for today but it’s worth it”, that’s the start of hope returning.
    So scary and so beautiful and everything all wrapped up.
    Scotland is beautiful btw, my love lived there

  167. Scotland and London and Paris are amazing. Edinburgh is drenched in the ages and the light really is different in Paris. I haven’t got a romantic imagery bone in my body and walking the streets of Paris when the light is just so is seriously one of the most amazing things ever. You’re going to love it.

    London mostly smells like piss and the English…. are…. Meh. And some of my best friends are English and I go like once a year. But you know, Scotland and Paris, delicious.

  168. I’m cheering you on Jenny! You can win over the demon. Bookmark this post of yours. Come back to it if you begin to feel lost. It will help you find your way again. I love the hope you’ve written here….

  170. Oh Jenny, I am in tears. I am so happy for you. I feel such relief, because I know people who struggle with mental illness and I feel guilty for being naturally happy and contented. Bon voyage 🙂

  171. Thank you for allowing us to hear about your journey with mental illness, and I am keeping my fingers and toes crossed that this works. Your honesty is breathtaking. Thank you so much.

  173. Damn it, Jenny, you made me cry. I cannot thank you enough for your honesty. It is beautiful. I, too, suffer from depression and anxiety and know how it can suck life out of you. I thank God you are responding so well to the treatments. As a Pastor, I’m in the hope business. So grateful you are finding some. I am holding you in prayer.

  174. Ok, you made me cry in happiness for you! I’m so glad that you are making progress and you are facing the world again. You will LOVE Scotland, England and France!! You will find all of the crazy shit there (think sheep!!) and share it with all of us! Sending you a great big hug from Wyoming!!

  175. Sending love and light and hope. Any and all of it that you need. I hope you have safe and magical travels and come back and tell us all about it.

  176. You sound so hopeful and excited and full of energy…which sounds fantastic and wonderful and awesome! And sometimes I feel it, but I’ll admit, it scares the hell outta me, because it can be pulled on any second of any day, and I fall back into the hole. It almost feels like it’s better to stay in the hole than keep falling into it. Isn’t it?

  177. “It says that the world is a terrible place…sometimes. And filled with terrible people…who can change. But suddenly I’m reminded that there are more people who I know who care, who are empathetic, who fight for others in quiet and loud ways. I see that I am not alone.” This…. this I needed to hear, because lately the world feels like a terrible place filled with terrible people and I feel so alone… I wish I didn’t feel alone.

  179. I am incredibly, furiously happy for you, Jenny. I hope that you can feel now (if not before now) how much you mean to so many people, and how what you have written and who you are has brought together and changed so many people. You’ve helped all of us not be alone anymore, all of us who can’t leave the house because of the weasels. And now you’re seeing (and showing us again) just how much depression lies. Just how different life is beyond it. I wish you all the joy you can find. <3

  181. You make me cry. But so happy for you! Please let this last. Fell all the feelings but let the ‘good’ ones stay with you. As with the rest of your tribe, love you Jenny! And you give me hope!

  182. I’m so happy and hopeful for you! Depression is an awful beast, and it may never be 100% slain, but I hope that your treatments can at least whittle it down to a tiny, kind of ugly-cute beast that you can deal with. The world needs more of your shenanigans!

  184. I love you SO much! I am FURIOUSLY HAPPY for you — and I hope this holds, and takes, and that you enjoy every single moment of Europe!

  185. This made me ugly-cry, it was so beautiful. I just keep praying that it will be the beginning of a whole new way of living for you. And that it will stick. <3

  187. You know we are all rooting for you. I’m rooting for you. Your family really loves you. Enjoy Europe!

  188. I am so very happy for you, Jenny. You will love Europe, any part of it. And you will find a calmness that doesn’t really exist here, at least not right now. I particularly recommend Paris or Venice for the best combinations of beauty, art, and pure relaxation.

  189. This is the best thing I’ve read in a long time. Thank you for adding joy to my day (actually to my life if I take into account all the other things you write that I read). I was on vacation with my sisters a couple of weeks ago and we walked into a little shop, stopped and looked at each other. “Beyoncé!” We said it gleefully to one another, a shared conspiracy, as we stumbled upon a row of metal roosters/chickens. Thank you for that moment, too. I can’t wait to hear about your trip. Sending you much love!

  191. Want to say don’t feel guilty, but guilt is a feeling and you should have them all. You are an inspiration and your tribe is pulling for you!

  194. I can’t see, my eyes are full of happy tears. Crap, I hate crying.

    Also, I feel guilty for being the kind of person who chooses to let the world go past her while there are so many out there in depression prisons yearning to get out and do the things I willingly choose not to do. I’m sorry for that, but I pray you and others like you can break free and enjoy the life you want to life. YOU WILL WIN!

  198. I finished my 35 days of TMS on June 7th, and I felt the same. Is this normal? Can I feel these things without them dragging me into the pit? And I still feel angry sometimes, because I went through so much before my doctor and I found this treatment. I still feel guilty that it seems so easy. I still have sad moments, but I don’t unpack and live there. I am, above all else, grateful. So happy that you’re experiencing this new normal, too. I will say this- if it hurts, they need to adjust the strength of the magnetic pulse or its position. Anytime my treatment became anything other than a mildly annoying tapping, the tech adjusted the angle or the position or the strength. I so hope you fly to fantastic places and enjoy them with your daughter and husband. Hallelujah for modern medicine!

  199. I am so thrilled for you that you are feeling the effects of this treatment and having such a positive reaction. The world is waiting for you, darling, go enjoy it.

  200. Bless you for your honesty. We can alk b’s a little less afraid together.

  202. You have opened a new chapter in your life’s book. The older chapters are there but the narrative keeps moving forward. You are strong, your family is strong and have earned every word you add to your book.

  203. What everyone else said. And then some. Hugs and kisses Jenny, I love you so very much, and so very happy for you! Xoxo 😘

  204. That may be the most powerful piece of writing you’ve ever done.

  206. Thank you thank you thank you so much for your strength, perseverance and courage. It makes my heart happy to know that you are feeling better and optimistic that this time will be different. You are an inspiration to so many. You deserve only good in your life.

  208. This is an amazing testimony! I have a 30 y.o. son, who is as yet, undiagnosed but is struggling with some mental problems. I’ve been investigating TMS and am encouraged by what I have found. You have every right to be encouraged and happy! TMS works!!

  211. This was beautifully written. The best thing in the world about traveling to Europe is that we magically leave all of our ailments in the States. Seriously. I think it has something to do with HAARP, or GMO foods, or some shit like that. In any event, you will have the time of your life and I can’t wait to read the blogs about it!

  213. Jenny,
    I am the daughter of a mother who lost her battle with intense mental illness when I was 16. I cannot tell you how deeply I wish she could have had the opportunity that you are having now. I am so happy for you and for your family. I hope that this treatment continues to work for you and that you get to experience life together out there in the big, wide world.

    Sending so much love. <3

  214. I am in a similar place of being terrified and hopeful all at once. After 6 months in the worst depression I’ve had, we might possibly have found a medication that works (plus emdr). I feel myself perk up a bit and worry it’s just a fluke. But I can’t help hoping this is entering the tunnel. No light at the end, yet, but at least a tunnel instead of a bottomless pit. I have been reading your books and blog over and over again. They have been a anchor to me in a way I haven’t been able to find anywhere else.

  215. I don’t know why this came intio my head, but I felt like I should send it to you “May the lord bless you and keep you, make his face shine upon you and give you peace, Amen”. Best of luck on your treatments!

  216. Jenny. Oh Jenny. Go to Europe. See the things I want to. And maybe just maybe get Neil Gaiman to give you a weird tour of something. Because why not?

  217. Jenny I wish the world for you, Victor and Hailey. Here’s to long lasting relief and happy trails!

  218. Reading this reminds me of my first journey with TMS. All the same feelings of guilt for not feeling down, and wonder at all the things I had missed while in deep drepression. Stay the course! If you feel yourself to slip again go back and get a “refresher”. All the pain and “wood-pecker” drilling on your brain are so worth it in the end! 💕💕

  219. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for writing about this. Hope is a wonderful thing.

  220. This broke my heart, made me cry with joy. It’s real. I am so happy for you.

  221. This is cool, even if it ends tomorrow or next week or next year. It’s good, it’s working, day by day and night by night we make it to the light. Jedi Hugs to you, ones you don’t need today. 🙂

  223. Jenny, I’m so happy for you. I can totally relate to that feeling when the cloud lifts and how amazing/terrifying/foreign that can feel. You’re doing amazing things for yourself. Thank you for taking us on this journey with you.

  224. I cannot wait to read the blog posts and see the pictures from your European vacation. Go enjoy the world

  227. Oh my god. Wow. Now your work will be to not feel guilty about feeling normal. You deserve to feel normal, and it doesn’t mean you are abandoning or betraying other people who don’t feel normal. This is amazing. Go for it, girl. And say hi to my German homeland for me, will ya?

  228. I am so excited for you that this treatment is working! Sending you love as you continue on your journey!
    Andrea

  229. So very happy for you. That was a lot to do in one day! You are so right that knowing and believing are two different things.

  230. Beautiful and heartbreaking all at once. Thank you! And when you go to London, you MUST go to the Natural History Museum and book “The Spirit Tour”. You will love it and all of London, someday I’ll go back again myself. Enjoy

  231. So I’m crying and it’s freaking my husband out. But I’m happy crying because you so deserve to have the world. I’m so proud and happy that you did this.

  232. I am so FREAKING Happy for you!!!!! Go and enjoy Europe with your family. Be exuberant, be joyful. Sing, dance and play.
    Then tell us how it felt after so many years in “prison.” Just maybe it will inspire others to find a cure for themselves. Maybe someone else will see that the depression/anxiety/whatever is lying to them and YES they can do it too.
    And maybe if I ever meet you, I can actually hug you without freaking you out.

  233. In crying and all I can say is I don’t know you, but I love you, and I am rooting for you. Go drink in the world. You deserve it.

  234. Oh Jenny, the world awaits and it is good and beautiful. And remember, there are lovely parks and other places of quiet and respite for those times when EUROPE is just too overwhelming. To experience the Old World with Hailey should be a wonder. The thought makes me so happy I could cry.

  235. The beauty of the distant lands can not compare to the beauty inside you. I’m so happy for you. Stay strong and keep believing, your best days are still out in front of you! God Bless

  236. I am happying so hard for you!!!!! And I am also crying, like, a whole lot and I’m glad my husband ran to the store and my daughter is in bed because this is not the sort of crying I want to try to explain. I am so glad for you and so jealous but also not jealous at all because you should have EVERY SINGLE GOOD THING, and while I hope one day I can too, I almost don’t even care about that part because this is your victory and you DO DESERVE IT! And when you say all the things you said in this post, and when I read it through three times (because I kept missing parts because of my eyes being full of tears), and when I have known this life of imprisonment and this world of much-ness for so long, and when I can hear your heart singing like that, I can almost reach out and touch that hope myself.

    Love for you. Hope for you. Warriors have victories. Good wins. All the things. For all of us. Someday.

  237. OMG! I’m sitting here, tearing up for you. I’m so happy you’re having progress and good things are happening! I hope good things continue to happen. You deserve every good thing in the world!

  238. Happiness deserves YOU. May your dog days be over, out and demolished as much as possible.

  242. Thank you for sharing this, Jenny. I love your words, and I’m happy for you. =)

  243. I’m seriously freaking bawling here. I am so unbelievably happy for you, and hopeful and excited for you…. And sooooo hopeful for everyone else. Including myself. I haven’t had a major depressive episode in almost two full years, but the past month or so has been a struggle anyways. I can feel that darkness nipping at my heels and I keep wondering how long it’ll be before it makes me fall. But this…. This brings me so much hope. Maybe TMS is your own version of a miracle. Maybe this miracle will last for a long, long time, or maybe it will last just long enough for you to go on that trip. Whatever happens, it makes me so amazingly happy and hopeful to read this. HUGS

  245. I have a part time job because I don’t have the energy for a full time one. I finish the week exhausted and I don’t have time for things like housework, (my spouse does it), going anywhere unless I have a day to recover afterwards. I don’t feel like I suffer much but your post sent me reeling with imagination. What would it be like to have that much energy, to travel somewhere, to go to plays, to work a full time job? I don’t think my insurance would pay for tms but oh how I wish I could have it!

  246. Dear Mrs. Lawson,
    I am a huge fan of your books! I really really want to see the picture you mentioned in Furiously Happy that shows your tour guide Jessica stepping on a penis.
    Best wishes,
    Jessica

  247. Oh yeah one more thing:) I don’t really have an email account so I’m not entirely sure how you can show the picture to me. I am sorry, I wasn’t thinking logically when I typed this.

  248. If you go to London and visit The Tower be sure to take the Beefeaters tour, it’s free with admission and worth it.

  251. Weeping over here that this is becoming your new reality. Sending you love and light and joy and all the beautiful wonderful ecstatic emotions there are. I’ve been following you for a long time, through some of my own deep darknesses… you bring hope and connection to so many. Shine on, bright angel. Shine on.

  253. Ahhh, this was very emotional to read. With my depression and anxiety, I feel too much. Yes, I cried relating to so many feelings you express here, BUT, mostly tears of happiness. I am so, so happy for you. I feel great sadness that this didn’t happen to you years and years ago, but thank God it is happening now. Hopefully, I too will be having TMS very soon. Just praying it is either covered by my disability, or that I can afford it. One very important thing I want you to know and remember is that the effects of TMS can wear off over time, but you can always have it again. Please never forget that. You can always get back to this place again even if you should lose your way. I’ve talked to some people about it. Just think of it as your maintenance. Getting a tune up and an oil change! You may never need it, but it will be there if you do. I love you with all my heart, Jenny. ♥️

  255. I feel your desire and your fear. Help the new paths in your brain grow, feed the desire, feed them with doing all the things you have wanted to do for so long. Come to Europe, you will love it here and it will help you change.

    I so envy you. I so love that this is happening for you.

  257. I can hear a new strength in your writing voice. Beyond a gritty sheer effort of will. Character coming forward and claiming its rightful place.
    You will tell me what Scotland smells like. And I feel a happy anticipation.

  259. This is awesome! I’m so pleased for you. It’s not that you deserve or don’t deserve to feel this well, it’s that we all should. You being well, rather than taking something belonging to someone else, will give hope to so many that this is possible. This is such a beacon of hope – some day we would all get enough spoons to do what we please in a day and still have enough over to get a decent sleep.

  260. You’re glorious and wonderful and I’m so happy for you that the treatment is helping! Your words are so beautiful- thank you for sharing you journey <3

  261. So very, very glad for you. I hope you get to see Edinburgh on your travels, it’s my favourite city.

  262. I’m crying for you.

    This is unbelievably wonderful. And it gives me hope. Maybe there really is a way to feel normal again. Because this fear, this exhaustion, this small, contained life of quiet desperation is just unbearable.

    I have hope for you. Any maybe I can start to have hope for me too.

  264. WOW! just wow. Im so happy for you and was crying while reading. Also Im very envious, because Im still tierd all the time and missing out on lots of things, but you give me and alot of other people hope and courage that it will some day be different!

  266. So hopeful for you. This brought tears to my eyes. You’ve brought joy to so many people through your words and your art… so hopeful that you’ll get to experience joy and peace too.

  268. You have so much heart Jenny, and the world sees it, so how wonderful for you & your family that your heart will now see the world. The other night as I was sitting outside, the smell of a bonfire wafted over into our garden. It’s a smell I love. It instantly relaxed me. I then started crying because the relaxation highlighted how utterly exhausting anxiety is. Being scared of everyone and everything is no way to live. But I always look for the kindness and care to remind myself the world isn’t all bad. Wishing you continued progress with your treatment and fun travels 😊

  269. I’ve been doing a round of ECT since May and you have described exactly how it feels to be healed for today with, in my case, electricity

  270. This made me cry – but in a good way. I am hoping SO HARD that you continue to have increasing moments of clarity and happiness and that you can experience all the good and beautiful things in this world in a way you absolutely deserve.

  271. I’m so happy this is working for you. There are tears of joy in my eyes just for you

  273. Just one of many of your cheerleaders sending you LOVE LIGHT PEACE and EUROPE! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

  277. Also piling on to the heap of people who hope this is a real turning point for you! Wishing you peace, strength, joy, fun, and all the happy things you’ve been missing.

  279. I’m so glad it’s working.

    I remember the first time I really laughed (not fake laughed just because everyone else was laughing) after I came out of the fog caused by Paxil. My husband looked at me like I was a different person … because I was.

  280. I know you don’t know me and this means nothing to you, but I am so PROUD of you. I wish we really were friends so I could give you a hug and express to you just how amazing you are. I hope this comment will suffice.

  281. So happy for you! When I came out of my depression,it felt like I had to learn how to walk, eat, read , be again. Its wonderful!

  282. I am so happy for you and the path you are taking to experience new things and feel better! You give me hope as I start my own journey to better mental health after too many years in depression and anxiety.

  283. I read this while going home on the bus and tears started leaking down my cheeks from behind my sunglasses. I am so very happy for you and your family! Thank you for sharing your story and I know you have helped so many people through your generosity.

  284. I’M IN TEARS!! I’m so happy you’re feeling this way Jenny. And thank you for telling your story. I can’t wait to see your pictures from Europe!

  285. Stopping lurking to say that I’m so happy and proud of you! The tears are happy ones as I can see the whole new world opening up for you.
    Good going! We’re all here to cheer you on!

  286. You have done so much for everyone struggling with depression or living with family members who struggle. Take the joy today gives you. Enjoy a vacation! The Victoria & Albert Museum is FAB and needs a full day.

  289. Jenny, I am literally sobbing for you…for happiness, for the joy of the world unfolding in front of you, for the promise of all the tomorrows you get to face…for all the days you didn’t think you would see in a golden light.

    These treatments have opened up such hope to so many. If Jenny did it, maybe we can too. Maybe I can try one more pill, or check out one more counsellor, or try one more treatment. Maybe this therapy is offered in my area and I can access it. Maybe…maybe.

    Thank you for posting that you will always be Jenny. The Jenny we know and love, just MORE. It makes me happy for you that YOU get to be more. It delights me that Victor and Hailey get to have more of YOU. That all your pets get more of YOU. And that we get to have more of YOU. You share yourself so generously and for that, I say thank you. From the bottom of my heart.

  290. You made me cry at work! Good tears, though. So happy for you, Jenny, and trying to draw from your happy and hope for myself and everyone else as well.

  291. Oh, Jenny, your post brought me to tears. My darling 20 year old daughter has Panic and Anxiety disorder and I see her in your desire to live in the world and partake of its wonders but being crippled by your mind. What a joy to read your post.

  293. I’m so happy for this. You deserve every single minute of happiness and normalcy that there is. Hooray!

  295. Jenny, this quite literally gave me chills. The HOPE I read in your voice is palpable. I will be praying that this is it for you. That this treatment is exactly what you needed and you will get to just live. To just breathe. To just be. Sending you so.much.love.

  296. Wow, I have chills from reading this. And then more chills from the song. Sending you so many positive thoughts for your journey.

  297. I saw your FB post, and am not going to read the comments here. I just wanted to say that you give me HOPE – I even wrote about the hope you give me, in my own blog yesterday. Your journey, the fact that you are brave and determined enough to find a better way…that is part of who you are to me. IF that brings change for you, that is a good thing, but it won’t change who you are. You are smart and funny and see the world in a different way – and the only thing depression has done is rob you of even more ways to express that. So change – don’t change – I don’t care, I’ll love you however you are. Your post put a stop gap in my own depression yesterday, so I hope you know how much you matter, and your well-being matters.

  298. I’m wishing you all the furious happiness! I hope Europe is ready for you!

  299. I don’t know what I love best about you; your humor or your courage. Maybe all of it. Thank you (as always) for sharing yourself with all of us other disconnected people. I pray for you continued healing and joy.

  300. So happy for a person who has done so much for this community. You gave me the strength to say I had anxiety and depression, and to do something about it rather than live with it. I am glad you are feeling so much better.

  301. I gotta admit, when I read the part about you saying yes to traveling and seeing Europe for the first time with your daughter, it got REAL DUSTY in here. I hope things keep getting better and better for you, Jenny. You DESERVE IT. Never doubt that you do.

  302. OMG- this makes me cry to see you doing so much better and I hope it lasts and lasts and lasts like it’s supposed to!!!!

  303. Are you FB friends with Sean Dietrich ?. You might like his writings, or maybe a few paragraphs at a time.

  305. The part about being able to take your daughter on errands made me cry because sometimes I can’t do that either and it makes me feel terrible, so I’m so happy for you! I hope you enjoy every minute of Europe! Yay!

  306. I cried twice reading this post. Thank you for sharing. I am so excited for you and hopeful. I cannot wait to read about your adventures. Again, thank you. You’re writing bolsters me as I too grapple with depression and anxiety. I don’t feel alone. Thank you.

  308. There are things making my eyes blurry and I think its because my heart just grew three times in size with joy for you. My issues are super extra mild (like, saltine cracker mild)… but there are days that I desperately want to stay in my bed and not go to the office, not see people, not answer the phone, not shower, not do ANY of the things that I know I need to do. We are all sharing in your happiness, Jenny, and we are all cheering for you every day from our own little caves.

  309. You bring so much happiness to us. You totally deserve this!!! So happy for you 😊

  310. I must admit that I thought this was a different type of procedure and that the device was some sort of a wand and that there wasn’t as much pain or noise. I saw something different on TV I guess. I’m so glad this is working for you and that you truly feel a difference! I’m happy that it’s making you want to do things like travel to Europe, that only seemed like a dream before. Like you said you may still have bad days, but now there is hope they won’t all be bad. May your life continue to grow and be more attainable for you!

  311. This makes me so sad for you and so happy for you at the same time. It is horrifying that so many people have to live the way you have had to live for so long. Viva la TMS!

  312. my heart swells when I read about your bravery, Jenny. Please believe in it too

  313. I’m so happy for you. Tell yourself (and your brain) over and over that you are only going forward, and that all of your recovered emotions and energy are, from here on out, permanent. Refuse to acknowledge that backsliding is possible. It’s your past. Period.

  315. I’m so happy for you Jenny. I read your post first, then listened to the music and cried. What milestones you have reached, fragile as they may be. Enjoy that European vacation, you sure as hell deserve it. And take your anthem with you to listen to if you ever feel you’re slipping back into depression. It’s ALL GOOD.

  317. Go to Ben Nevis in Scotland. If you have time for another place, visit Torridon. I’ve travelled really extensively throughout the US & toured around Japan & stayed 3 weeks in Amsterdam (a truly beautiful city) & a few weeks in southern Britain & London. But I’ve never seen anywhere with the raw beauty of Glen Nevis & Torridon. And driving in Scotland is kind of terrifying and exhilarating and awesome – its landscape is my favorite in the world.

  318. this is so wonderful. it’s so phenomenal to read that it’s doing well for you and i am so glad, i cried here at my desk in the middle of work. for the love of all that is good in this world, for love of you, i hope you can feel this way more days than not. i hope you can believe the world is waiting for you, and you’re up to meeting it more and more. thank you for being amazing. thank you for sharing. just– thank you.

  319. Go listen to Cry Cry Cry’s cover of “By Way of Sorrow.” Seriously. Right now.

  320. If you stop by Ireland on your trip to Europe, go this little place called the Lemon Tree Cafe in Kinsail, because that place’s French toast and bacon are the best in Europe. Also, stop by the Sherlock Holmes Pub in London, and there should be a pastry shop across the street that’s really amazing. I hope you keep feeling better!!

  321. This is fantastic!! I’m so freaking happy for you, it’s inspired me to take a shower today. Baby steps.

  322. I’ve never commented before, but am a long time reader. I can not express how happy this has made me! You deserve good days from here on out! Best wishes!

  323. I’m so happy for you! I’ve followed your story for years because you can put words to my feelings. Go! Go live out in the bright sunlight!

  325. You feeling better, is so good to hear. Congratulations and best wishes for your continued progress. I have bipolar depression, so I can relate to your eloquent descriptions.

  327. Typing through tears. I can feel the hope. THAT moment, when hope returns, you captured it perfectly.

  329. OMG, Jenny. OMG. I’m so happy for you. I’m knocking wood and crossing my fingers. I want this for you.

  331. I’m so happy for you. PARIS!! OUI! My first European place and I loved. And they’re not rude if you can say bonjour and merci. You deserve such happiness. You’ve given so much laughter and joy to the world. I’ve followed your journey and hope so much for you that this helps so much.

  332. I live with depression (alternating between dysthymia and major depressive episodes) and am only partially responsive to meds – basically, I function, but I’m not happy about it. I am trying Abilify in the short term to see if it can augment my usual treatment and knock me out of my funk, but it that doesn’t work I may seriously consider trying your route.
    I so appreciate your honesty in describing your struggles; it makes me feel much less alone. Wishing you every bit of happiness and success with this treatment! And I am quite confident that you will still be your beautiful, compassionate, hilarious self even in remission.
    On a completely unrelated note, go to Angelina’s when you are in Paris – they are down the street from the Louvre and they make a hot chocolate that I would marry in a heartbeat.

  333. Europe will be great – you deserve to struggle less (actually you deserve to not have to struggle at all, but how amazing that you realize sometimes things just don’t work that way!). SO glad this treatment works for you!

  336. Thanks Jenny.

    I’ve been reading your blog on & off for a while, & really enjoyed your books (other than the bits that were a bit “triggery” for me).

    This post has convinced me I’m finally on the right track.

    After decades in & out of treatment by psychiatrists, psychologists, counsellors, in & out of hospital, a failed marriage, loss of a child, numerous traumatic experiences, & various medications, most of which have made me worse not better, I will be going to a GP tomorrow, & taking a new path.

    I’ve known for a while that I’ve only scratched the surface dealing with my issues, & have been diagnosed with a number of conditions, some neurological, some physical, some mental.
    It’s time that I seek treatment for my now quite obvious, but as yet un-diagnosed PTSD.

    Each time in the past when I’ve sought help, it has cut off when I’ve regained my coping skills, & each time it has reminding me that there is still that niggling problem in the back of my mind that will come back sooner or later, that has to be addressed.

    It’s time for me to address the elephant in the room – the one my family & friends have steadfastly refused to exist – so that I can see what I’m really being held back by, & see what I can do about it.

    Thanks Jenny, I hope your journey continues to bring you greater improvement in health & in your outlook, & that I can find a similar result from addressing my unresolved issues.

  337. Hearing this great news brings tears to my eyes. Tears of joy for you, the one who has brought so much happiness and laughter. The one who helps me laugh at my quirks. I am lucky that my illness us much less devastating than yours but I relate to many of the feelings you share. I am filled with joy that you are finding success with your treatment. You are a brave and wonderful woman. You deserve this!

  338. This is the first time I’ve felt hope in so long. I’m so happy for you, Jenny! You deserve this.

  339. Goodness gracious, it is wonderful how well your treatment is working for you!!! Have a wonderful, upcoming trip!

  340. this is truly amazing Jenny! Just keep going, one tiny step at a time. And enjoy every second that you feel hope!

  342. Dear Jenny, I live in Beaverton, Oregon (not a made-up name!), and I am receiving dTMS at the same time you are in rTMS. I had my ninth session today, and I am experiencing a LOT of emotional turmoil — same topics as usual, but ROARING with intensity. OUCHIE!!! I am following your accounts of TMS avidly. I went into a solid remission from depression at age 52 in 2009, following six years of intermittent ECT. It was AMAZING to feel and comprehend the term “well being” for the first time ever. Is it true that people without depression feel this way all the time??? I thought that just knowing what it felt like would enable me to find it whenever I needed to for the rest of my life, and was filled with gratitude for it. I sustained that well-being for a good five years, through plenty of life events. But then one terrible thing after another started happening, faster than I could rebound emotionally in between. Any remaining remission and sense of well-being evaporated without a trace the night of November 8, 2016. It has been a very dark time for me since then. I wish we could meet and compare notes, as there is too much to share in this way. I am pulling for us both that TMS will produce robust, long-lasting remission — and soon! I remember and yearn for the tremendous RELIEF I felt wash over me that February afternoon. As I walked down the street in my neighborhood, I threw back my head and raised my arms to the sky in pure glory. May we be healed. And may our healing give us the strength we need to keep working to heal our families, our country, and our planet.

  343. you have a remarkable daughter, and husband, and you are a remarkable woman –if I were a praying person, I would. All I can do is watch, and hope, and encourage you and all those people who go through what you’ve endured, and survived.

    Be well, Jenny. Be well.

  344. Jenny, I’m sorry you’re having a bad go. I’ve struggled, too. I look at mental illness like an autoimmune disorder. It has flair ups. We have to change treatment plans as our body attacks itself in new ways. Somehow, our minds don’t know how to compartmentalize the dread and sorrow of society. So, keep up with the treatment. I’m sending my love and positive vibes.

  345. I read this and I am crying, so either you are one of my good friends just by virtue of you open and honest words, or I am pms-ing something fierce! I am guessing it is a combination of the two. Go forth and explore!

  346. “When I was a young boy and would see scary things in the news, my mother would always say “look for the helpers”. You will always find people helping.” Mr. Rogers

  347. It’s interesting that you say it feels like you’re cheating. I have been microdosing LSD for depression, which while definitely not legal, has been extremely effective. I have felt like it’s cheating too, and used those exact words. But brains can be cruel things, and I am all for anything that will make them treat us better. So glad to hear that this is working for you!

  349. Congrats! We’re all cheering for you!

    If you visit Europe, I’m pretty sure the Swedish Lion is on display (somewhere in Sweden). It’s the most Jenny thing in Europe.

  350. This is so encouraging and so wonderful. When I read this I can imagine the possibilities of shaking off the chains I carry around. I’m so glad you are sharing this journey.
    It feels like it’s a path forward instead of a palliative to make the current path bearable. I long for that so much and never really thought it was possible.

  351. <3 <3 <3 So much love! You’ve got this, girl! We’re cheering you on!

  352. My eyes are leaking — this is such good news.
    For what it’s worth, I think I want to read your future book with a title from this post: “holding on to magic”

    And I hope you get this far down in the comments to get my suggestion for Musee du Cluny — because it has “La Dame a la Licorne” — and as everyone knows, we’re unicorns.

  353. I can’t get over my joy for you! This is amazing, and I’m so glad this is happening – this ability to choose joy, to be able to see it, at last, like the car keys that slipped under the couch somehow. NOw you can take the car on adventures! 😉

  355. Sending you positive thoughts and love, remember believing is half the battle 😊

  356. You are taking a fire hose to those motherfuckers. Wash them away, girlfriend.

  357. You know, us Supernatural fans have a saying we took from the late producer Kim Manners: “Kick it in the ass.” We say it to each other, it’s made its way to the show on several different episodes, it’s a thing. It’s real. You, Jenny, will kick all of these assbutts (in keeping with the Supernatural terminology – God bless an angel trying to come up with an insult) squarely in the ass.

    I believe in you.

    Percy (the hedgehog lifting its arm on a picture I found for encouragement my friend and I send to each other when we’re faltering) believes in you.

    I’m pretty sure that if he knew about you, Tad Cooper, the dragon on the TV show “Galavant” would super believe in you.

    And even Lin-Manuel Miranda’s dog, Tobillo, believes in you. (I have the screencap to prove it)

    Enjoy Europe with your kin. xo

  359. OMG….I am SOOOO happy for you and Hailey and Victor!!!!! Technology is amazing but God is beyond amazing!! Cheering for you all the way to Europe and back!! ENJOY!!!

  360. After my son completed TMS treatment, the most difficult thing for him was to believe that he could trust the “new normal.” Two years out and he’s still going strong!!! Best wishes, Jenny!

  361. I cried, in sorrow for all that you’ve missed, in joy for all that you will do.

  362. I hope you can write about more about life on the other side, if this is successful for you. Sometimes, I still struggle with what this “otherside” is. Since years of successful therapy and what is called “stabilized” on meds . Sometimes it feels like I woke up from being asleep for a long time and like in those sci fi movies, when you leave he dangerous past and wake up in the future. But you are still trying to figure out who you are in the future and sometimes you miss the past even if it was dangerous and unhealthy because it was what you knew. Sometimes I feel like I am still trying to figure out who “healthy” me is, versus the identity I took in the midst of severe depression and anxiety.

    If that makes any sense

  363. I think “You Will Be Okay,” a memoir about your struggle with depression, is your next book.

  364. Congratulations on doing the first big scary thing and trying this treatment. Id never heard of it but if there comes a time when i need it , ill be brave too. Cuz..u.

  365. The posts you’ve made about your new treatment has made me realize that maybe I don’t have to accept “good enough” as far as my anxiety goes. I’m going to talk to my mental health team about other options. Thank you <3

  366. You are inspiring and magnificent and funny as hell and you deserve every minute, every moment of happiness and “normalcy” life has in store for you.
    Keep on breathing and listening to the hope.
    Enjoy Europe.
    Enjoy LIFE. You deserve all the good things.

  367. I am go soothed to read the inspiring, real and detailed story of your journey toward wellness. I see my own struggle in yours, and when I can’t see the changes I have made, you remind me by example. I hope that you take Europe by storm and show your girl how to do it in style. Thank you.

  368. Believe it. Remind yourself every day to believe it. When you begin to doubt, remind yourself what you tell us all the time: “depression lies.”
    I hate that living with depression means that when life is good, I don’t trust it to last. I’m learning to let that go, to remind myself that if THIS DAY is a good day, that’s all the matters. Believe in the new normal. Believe it will become a lasting normal.

  369. I just got all teary over my morning coffee. I’m so happy for you that it is working. I’ll keep reading (and IG stalking) tonsee your adventures and how his effects your life long term. Xoxox

  370. Fingers crossed for the Europe trip!

    Nice things: https://twitter.com/LeonieWatson/status/1012043948762783749

    If you go to Paris, top of Tour Montparnasse has a good view of the Eiffel Tower https://manuschwendener.smugmug.com/Places/France/i-zxJ8pL8/A
    https://www.tourmontparnasse56.com/en

    If you go to London, don’t miss theview from The Shard:
    https://manuschwendener.ch/2014/08/12/shard, best during the blue hour
    https://www.theviewfromtheshard.com

  372. I recently started getting TMS treatment for my depression and reading your blog has been really helpful. It makes me feel less alone. Thank you for your honesty. I hope your treatment keeps going well and you continue to experience treatment effects.

  374. I am just a random dude on the internet who is a fan of your books, but this is seriously wonderful news and made my day brighter just reading about it (so thank you for posting about it!). I hope this technology can help lots of people, and I dearly hope it continues to work for you – everyone deserves the chance to be happy.

  375. I hope you make it to Europe! My daughter and I just arrived in Oslo and I hope you get to experience the joy of travel with Victor and Hailey!

  376. Thank you for sharing. I am sending any energy I can to your world to help you stay in this very real place for a very long time. I’ve encountered my own mystery headache struggles the past three weeks and I can completely feel some of your nervousness each day about the possible return of symptoms. And then how it affects our family, my daughters. I grew up with a mom with MS so it crushes me too to see how illness affects them. Normal, all we want–best to you and your beautiful family-

  377. I love this post so much! I am praying and hoping that this continues for you!

  378. If you can’t find it on Google, you will definitely find it on the Dark Web.

    Black markets on the Dark web are not known for just buying drugs, it is a massive hidden network where you can buy pretty much anything you can imagine—from pornography, weapon, and counterfeit currencies, to hacking tools, exploits, malware, and zero-days.

    One such type of underground marketplace on Dark Web is RDP Shop, a platform from where anyone can buy RDP access (remote desktop protocol) to thousands of hacked machines for a small fee.
    While investigating several underground RDP shops, security researchers from the McAfee’s Advanced Threat Research team discovered that someone is selling remote access linked to security systems at a major International airport for as low as $10.

    Yes, that’s $10, I didn’t miss any zeros.

    Instead of buying RDP credential, researchers used the Shodan search engine to find the correct IP address of the hacked Windows Server machine, whose administrator account was up for sale, as shown in the screenshot.

    When researchers landed on its login screen through Windows RDP, they found two more user accounts, which were “associated with two companies specializing in airport security; one in security and building automation, the other in camera surveillance and video analytics.”

    “We did not explore the full level of access of these accounts, but a compromise could offer a great foothold and lateral movement through the network using tools such as Mimikatz,” the researchers write. 
    “We performed the same kind of search on the other login account and found the domain is most likely associated with the airport’s automated transit system, the passenger transport system that connects terminals.”

    According to the researchers, black market sellers usually gain access to RDP credentials by merely scanning the Internet for systems that accept RDP connections, and then launch brute-force attack with popular tools like Hydra, NLBrute or RDP Forcer to gain access
    And once the attackers successfully log into the remote computer, they don’t do anything except putting the connection details up for sale on the Dark Web.

    Anyone who buys access to such machines can move laterally within the network, create backdoors, alter settings, install malware and steal data.

    As a solution, organizations should consider taking necessary RDP security measures, such as:

    disabling access to RDP connections over the open Internet,
    using complex passwords and two-factor authentication to make brute-force RDP attacks harder to succeed,
    locking out users and blocking IPs that have too many failed login attempts

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  379. Like so many other posters, I am so incredibly, furiously happy for you and this part of your journey. Whatever happens, wherever it takes you, your tribe loves you, supports you and cheers for you (and when needed, cries with you).

    Enjoy every moment, there are no guarantees.

    And never, ever, ever let anyone make you think that you need to have ‘bad days’ for you to be you. You are perfectly made – happy, sad, depressed or anxious. And you don’t owe anyone any reassurances that you’ll be ‘less’ you as this treatment helps you find your smile.

    ~A.

  381. Tears streamed down my face as I read this. I vividly remember when I finally found what worked for me and the intense relief and worry that it wouldn’t last. I truly hope this helps you round the corner. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. I love you Jenny. (Not in a stalkery way, don’t worry.)

  383. Jenny, this is the most beautifully written post full of hope and wonder and wish too that you will be able to see Europe with your family.

    Sending you love and strength for the days and weeks that follow xx

  384. Believing =/= knowing — Thank You for expressing this!

    I’m going to my second session with a new therapist tomorrow and your words about exhaustion preventing your travels, and doing many things in a day after this treatment, and feeling your brain grind into a different pattern are so heartening.

    Someone else said that their depression lies and tells them “this is how you will feel for the rest of your life” and I was genuinely surprised — wait, you mean that’s a lie? I won’t feel this way the rest of my life?

    I’m hope-crying in New York at 11pm. Thank you.

  385. Jenny, I am so happy to read this. I have BP II and have been able to travel but talk to your brain people about the time change because I read that you can change your sleep schedule to get ready for it. I did not do this and was really moody and my meds didn’t seem to work as well. I hope you have a great trip. You all deserve it. 🙏🏻❤️👍🏻💃

  386. Oh, Jenny, this makes me feel so many things! I don’t quite know how to put words to all of the feelings. Except for “hopeful”. I feel hopeful and happy for you. So much so. So much. ♡

  387. Oh, I hope you see this… I adore flying, but my eardrums don’t. It’s apparently my anatomy, but explain that to the guy next to me who got hit with spurting blood… After having three times feeling like a kernel of popcorn exploded in my head, I found a device called EarPlanes.
    They have a little mechanism in their centers that I guess keeps the pressure from building up. I then found they’re also handy for drives in the mountains. I also found I don’t have hours of waiting for my ears to “reset” following landings. Stores like CVS and Bed, Bath and Beyond sell them (I hate Amazon.)
    You want these.

  388. I’m so very happy you had such a wonderful, real day. I cried at your last post, and I cried at this one, lovely, joyous tears. I know so many of us hear are hoping with you. You’ve helped so many of us. Even recently… it only just occurred to me because of you that it’s not normal to feel numb, to feel removed so much of the time. I know I’m lucky–it even weirdly helps with my job because my job can be heartbreaking…but it doesn’t break my heart because I have to think about it so hard to feel half the time. Some things get through, brilliant moments. I even think I’m generally happy (honestly, something five years ago I never thought). I cry and laugh and still do things in a high stress job and still usually do the laundry and even cook. But sometimes it’s all so numb, my wedding dress is just a feeling of numbness and my wedding doesn’t feel real, and I feel like I’m in a bubble. And I’m one of the lucky ones. And I’m not alone. Even if this sort of became a bit of a therapeutic post. But I’ll post it here, despite my lack of social media posts because they scare me, because I feel safe, here. Thank you.

  389. Pingback: (Not) Friday Five – 7.15.18 | coffeesnob318

  391. That sounds wonderful, I’m so happy for you that this seems to work!
    If you’re adding the Netherlands to your list, I’m more than happy to either give you some pointers or meet you for coffee!

    One small word of warning regarding travel and depression (which you may already know): jetlag can be a bitch in many ways. I started travelling for work recently and was caught off guard by how weird I felt every time I came back from another time-zone (I’m not diagnosed with anything, but I def.noticed some ‘dark clouds’ over my thoughts). Going to EU you should be fine, but coming back, you may want to pencil in some R&R. Don’t let that stop you from seeing the world, just plan accordingly.

  392. You are AMAZING. Just fucking inspiring. I believe your trip will go well. You’ve worked HARD to achieve “normal.” YOU DESERVE THIS and it will be AWESOME.

  393. I am sooooo happy for you. I have been reading you for a very long time now.
    All I can say is hugs to you and enjoy, enjoy, enjoy.

  395. I’ve read your first two books multiple times and I just ordered your third. I finally worked up the energy to follow your blog. It is a mirror that reflects all of us suffering with mental illness. You have heard this over and over and over and over again, but … Thank you. You make a difference in so many souls you will never meet. Keep up the good work and be well.

  396. That was beautiful and made me cry with happiness and hope for you. Blessings.

  397. I am so glad it’s working! I hope the side effects diminish.
    You may be interested in a book called “Switched On” by Robison. He was diagnosed with Asperger’s and wrote this book to discuss his experience with TMS. It provides some unique perspectives on the consequences of TMS (both positive and negative).
    Best of luck to you!!!

  399. Oh how I get this. I compare living with depression as living in a desaturated (on a good day) or colorless (on a bad day) world. It is CLOSE to living normally, but it isn’t because it is only white and black and shades of grey. I see the same things that everyone else sees… but without the colors that make life such a rich tapestry of emotion. And because I have had brief moments of color, this grey world makes me slightly crazy, because I remember that colors existed, but I can’t SEE them. Now that I can see the colors? I hold my breath, waiting for this beauty to be snatched away from me, cruelly, like it has so many times before.

    This winter, when I was drowning in one of the worst and scariest depressive episode’s ever, I stumbled on this quote, that really helped me fight that same despair and paralysis you feel because of the news.

    (Context, I am a major balletomane. Julie Kent is a former prima ballerina of the ABT.):

    “Beauty can save the world.

    Before going onstage one night, Kent found a note on her dresser from the illustrious Natalia Makarova, a Russian prima ballerina who defected to the West in 1970 while dancing for the Kirov Ballet. “Someone once said that beauty could save the world,” it read. “what a great responsibility you have.” That poetic notion has stayed with Kent – that beauty lies in all that is good, and that shoe could be its courier through dance and through her life. “It’s beauty in humanity. There’s beauty in kindness. There’s beauty in motherhood, and beauty in forgiveness, and beauty in caring. There’s beauty in all sorts of things in life,” she said. “And it”s such a release and a reward for the soul to see it.””

    I started looking for beauty. Not in myself, because I couldn’t. But in a flower. In the shape of a cloud. In the first bloom after a long cold winter. In my boss saying that I seemed to be having a good day, was I? In a friend that didn’t get mad at me when I bailed yet again, but instead wished me a good night’s rest. Small incremental moments of beauty. The tiniest moments of color. Even now, when I see all of the colors, I chose to look away from the ugly. Because it will destroy me. Let someone else take on the battle. My battle is with my mind that seeks to blot out my beauty and my contribution of goodness to this world. That is the only fight I can do: fight to share and see the beauty that can save the world.

    May you continue seeing the beauty and the colors. All of the colors.

    xox,
    Vanilla

  400. Pingback: Is this how it’s supposed to be? | Discovering ratchet

  401. I have been following your site since before your first book and have always admired your vulnerability and honesty. I have applauded your ability to share the most difficult parts of your story and help others in doing so.

    This post, and your humor, and your hope, and your love of life make me so happy. I can’t wait to see weird pics from Europe and every place in between. The world is ready for you 😀

    I am SO HAPPY for you!

  402. Catching up on your blog… crying joyful tears for you and inspired by your hope. You deserve happy, and to see Europe with your daughter and husband. Big hugs. <3

  403. You matter to the world, and in it. I wish you less dark times and more light.

  404. Pingback: Living with Anxiety | Meg's Wellness Blog

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