I’ll take one in an extra large, please

in Random Crap

My friend Elan shared this video and was like, “Y’all, we’ve been doing umbrellas wrong”…

…and I immediately agreed because I would wear this every damn time I leave the house because it’s like you’re wearing a personal fence that also happens to be a duck and a sneeze-guard and probably a great barbecue bib.  No one could sit next to me at the movies or stand too close in an elevator and probably I would avoid uncomfortable small talk because I assume normal people would avoid a grown woman wearing a 5 foot wide duck and abnormal people would be just be like, “Can I get that in blue?”

But then I looked it up and turns out that only toddlers get to enjoy their adorable  introversion which just seem unfair because toddlers already can scream at strangers who get too close to them and they don’t even get arrested for it, but when I want a duck-based, protective face petticoat I’m the weirdo.

PS.  Hang on.  I found an “adult version” but it’s basically just the child-sized one with the duck face removed.  FAIL ON ALL PARTS, RAIN DUCK MAKERS.

I appreciate the jaunty hip pose, but I’m pretty sure this is the opposite of “fierce” or “working it”.

PPS.  Hang on again.  I just remembered that Dorothy Barker fucking hates the rain and refuses to go out in it but maybe if I buy her the one for infants she’ll stop shitting on the floor whenever it’s drizzling.  SOLD.  Expect pictures soon…

83 thoughts on “I’ll take one in an extra large, please”

Read comments below or add one.

  5. Yep saw that on fb, so want one. I hate walking in rain and I HATE getting my feet and pants wet! So aside from being cute, it wouldn’t help me with the pants and feet portion. look forward to your pictures. LOL

  7. I NEED the child one with a duck face in an adult 2XL.
    My dog needs one because when it rains my sucker of a husband will hold an umbrella over her head when she has to go out.

  9. I want this. So much better than using one hand to hold an umbrella! And with the added benefit of automatically guaranteeing personal space.
    But, the adult version isn’t nearly as wide proportionally as the kid version is. I want one that is wider. Surely there’s someone among us who is clever enough to create such a thing?

  10. I want one for myself and my 3 children. Momma duck and her ducklings playing in the rain!! It would basically make my life…

  11. We need the ducks! Make a line of various animals! Cats, wolves, spiders, Rhinos, giraffes… it will be neat!

  13. You could modify the adult ones and put on your own duck face and start a new business. 😉

  15. Dorothy Barker may need a few alterations, but it could double as a Halloween Costume for her. (She could go as Howard!)

  16. yeah, my mom was pretty upset too when she found out there were only child sizes. She doesn’t have people issues, she just thinks it looks fun.

  18. If I saw an adult wearing this I’d take a picture and caption it life goals. If I saw you wearing I’d laugh uncontrollably.

  19. As soon as I saw this the other day, I knew I needed one for rainy mornings on front porch school drop-off duty. My colleagues quickly offered to buy one just to see me wear it. I’m so disappointed that you can only get tiny ones. Once again, adulthood sucks.

  20. I showed my husband the video and before I even told him the large size would fit me, he told me I couldn’t have one. He said he wouldn’t be seen in public with me. I said who cares…maybe I don’t want to be seen with HIM!!! ha!!

    I could totally wear the large size because I’m only 5’2″ tall….so I might just have to order one of these! But I need duck feet too…you know, to make the outfit complete!

  21. Yeah, the duck face is a must! Otherwise it would be weird and pointless.

  24. In the questions section of that amazon link the seller posted the following reply to if it has a duck face: “This product is yellow one, but without duck eyes. If you want the yellow one withe duck eyes with a beak, so we can customize to you, and you just need set an order and give us a message.
    Yes, we accept customized requires..”

  28. Pretty funny. But anytime I see the word “umbrella” I think of what the Russians said about the British @ WW2. And in Portland, Oregon where I am trying to live, you’re a sure mark if you carry. Gimme a wool hat and coat for rain. If it’s sun, I’ll bow in practical worship.

  29. I’m pretty sure that adults would wear one before that hip kid (or any hip kid of the same age) would. If he was not being paid however much he is being paid… I mean, look at his face. That is a “laugh and you’re doomed” face if I’ve ever seen one. You may have better luck with your dog.

  31. You can get an umbrella hat like my great aunt used to have my sister and I wear when we went to the flea markets! We were so embarrassed at the time but now, I’m thinking makes sense…
    https://www.windycitynovelties.com/umbrella-hat.html?rmsrc=1&rmatt=tsid:1049152|cid:1139699193|agid:55032887686|tid:pla-458280393279|crid:275291929676|nw:g|rnd:549536165829760481|dvc:c|adp:1o3|mt:|loc:9028820&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI1s_OtfLJ3AIVB7nACh04KAVSEAQYAyABEgLHZPD_BwE

  33. I need one in “school colors” so the parents that are trying to relive high school through their children don’t sit too close but yet I have “school spirit” and all that jazz. Is this where we help fund someone to make this happen – Like a grass-roots Shark Tank or whatever????

  35. I live in the Pacific NW, so this would get a LOT of use up here. Personally, I like making people feel a little uncomfortable on the elevator. Don’t stand so close to me, and don’t make small talk, I’m not good at it.
    As far as Dorothy Barker goes, have you seen these? Would she freak out if you took her out with this? https://www.chewy.com/lesypet-dog-umbrella-leash/dp/169379?msclkid=dbd361aa4546121a70123acaee1bd679&utm_source=bing&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=Shopping-Product%20Targets-Hard%20Goods&utm_term=4584551172726342&utm_content=LesyPet

  37. Just paint a duck face on the adult one, no one can stop you from being a duck

  39. What a dirty trick to have them for kids but not adults. You could always just wear one of those fabulous inflatable T-Rex costumes – it would keep you dry, keep people away from you and also function as a sneeze guard. Might be tough to work as a BBQ bib, though…

  40. I sense a business opportunity here! You could make some that are super fun like ducks and whales and sharks and stuff, and then you could make some that look like those fancy hats Philip Treacy makes, only cheap and waterproof!

  41. I really like the idea of using an inflatable T rex costume as a raincoat. Good call, Pamela!

  42. I am so grateful for you. I’ve been having a really hard time lately, but every time I read one of your posts, you always make me laugh…even when you’re talking about something super serious and difficult. You are amazing. Thank you!!

  43. I’d actually prefer a unicorn head on mine, and I’m anticipating a lot of conversation being generated, so it’s good I’m mostly not an introvert.

  48. I think we need to know how many times you had to correct “fuck” back to “duck” in this post.
    Because we all know which one your autocorrect would have assumed you meant.
    And we like you that way.

  50. You know, for an enterprising young woman such as yourself, there is a golden marketing opportunity here …. Adult sized duck umbrellas – and you could even branch out into other animals – frogs, swans (for really tall people), bison/buffalo for those of us who are large-ish and whom standard “one-size-fits-all” doesn’t even fit across our knee caps…..

  51. I wonder if that would fit our dog. He’s a bit (a lot) larger than Dorothy Barker, though. Still, he hates sprinklers with a white-hot passion and whenever we’re out in the rare Phoenix rain, he always looks at us like we’re torturing him for not turning off the giant sky sprinkler.

    I think that actually may be “working it” in Japan.

  54. I’m pretty sure you could alter the adult version to look like the toddler version with Duck Tape.

  55. Hula hoops and plastic sheeting- bam! You’re welcome

    Or better yet, duck tape some pool noodles together and plastic wrap!

  56. Two thoughts occurred immediately while reading this post: Are you currently unsupervised? Is Victory out of town?

  57. The model for the adult one has Resting Bitch Face, so maybe that’s your backup for the personal fence idea.

  59. The duck one is for kids, yes, but it’s In Stock in Large, described thus: Large: Recommend 12-15 years, umbrella diameter 31.5″/ 80cm, Suit for height range 57″-65″/ 145-165cm, Head circumference 23.5″/ 60cm. That’s up to 5 foot 6 inches tall; I’d have guessed you were no taller than that. Fifteen years is full grown for most girls/women. For $9.50 including shipping (and you seem like the sort of person who might have Amazon Prime, so maybe no shipping), how can you resist seeing if it’ll fit? If it doesn’t fit you, maybe Hailey would model it?

  66. I was going to say that you could paint your own duck face on before I say the replay about customizing. You still could – it would be fun and easy. Also, my smallest dog peed on my bedroom floor today. And we’d just been outside. Damn dogs.

  67. Hate to tell you but it will collect rain in a pond around your face and splash up at you. Sorry.

  68. Have u all not seen the dress that becomes a tent or a bed? Maybe that should be on ur bucket lists as well lol

  69. Great product! In addition to rain protection this also keeps me from chewing on my stitches!

  70. I saw this on Facebook and asked my partner if we could get the kids these an she said no. She’s not much fun sometimes.

  71. My dog would wear anything you put on him and I bet I could get at least one of my ferrets into one. Do they make ferret sized ones? Off to google

  72. Wait, doesn’t everyone shit on the floor whenever it’s drizzling? Just me?

  73. My dog Maev had a raincoat. She was half Lab and half Corgi and she hated to get her paws wet. She would go potty outside though.

    She also had a winter coat and winter boots. (50 lb dog but those precious paws).

    What a tolerant girl she was. 😉

  74. I legitimately thought the tree branches behind her head were a really thick ponytail, and I was like, “Yeah, a hole on top of the rain duck kind of defeats the purpose.”

    I also thought her face had been Photoshopped onto a different rain duck model. The jury’s still out on that one.

  75. We just got a scary-smart German Shepherd puppy and if we start now, we can train her to put this on by herself and go outside when it’s raining. Oh, wait, we have a pet door. So she’d get stuck and be all “why can’t I get through this door?” and piss the kitchen floor anyway. But what’s a few paper towels and some enzyme spray when compared to All The Cute? Pics, we need pics of Dorothy Barker!

  76. My dog also hates to go out in the rain. Do you think it would fit a 94 lb Great Pyrenees? Now that I think about it, though, I’m only 5 ft tall. Do you think it comes in plus sizes?

  78. I just had to share this with someone… I just found out xanax can be used on cats! So I can give my ultra neurotic cat my xanax! It’s one quarter of my dose. Which seems weirdly high. But that means I can probably help my neurotic cat with vet approval and make him less crazy when he gets super crazy! Like being so scared he hides behind a toilet for hours. No one should have to hide behind a toilet. Ew.

  79. Jenny,love, thanks for posting this. I don’t know how DB would take to it, but it could be a life saver for those of us who use a walker or a wheelchair and are unfortunate enough to lack a third hand.

  80. I ordered my duck poncho in an XL the other day. Expected delivery, 2-3 weeks. I’m 5-9, which isn’t THAT much beyond the 175cm size for the XL. I do anticipate a problem when my nose itches, though.

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