On finding the cure for depression

in TMS is painful but not as painful as depression

So. If you read here you already know that I’ve been getting stabbed in the brain by magnets every day for an hour for the last few months.  (Click here to read the whole TMS story if you’re new here.)  And yesterday?  Was my last session.

Overall, it was uncomfortable, weird, a reminder that insurance companies are satan, expensive and time-consuming.

It was also totally worth it.

I am not one of the lucky third of people who went into full remission with transcranial magnetic stimulation.  I’m also not one of the unlucky third who the treatment didn’t work for.  I’m in that middle ground…better, but not perfect.

But better is so good.  I’ve tracked my moods every day these last few months and (other than a short dip halfway through treatment) I’ve steadily gotten better.  I even had 5 seemingly random days over the last month where I felt what I imagine most people think of as normal.  I haven’t had days like that in so long I’d literally forgotten I could feel that way.

I know some of you are looking at the process yourself and every single person is different but here’s how it helped (or didn’t help) me:

Depression:  When I started treatment I was in a deep and very long-lasting depression that I’ve been battling for well over a year.  I didn’t even realize how bad it was until I started coming out of it.  I think I was operating at 10-25% when I started treatment.  I’d say I’m between 60-75% now.  I’m still have depression.  I’m still medicated.  But this treatment was like a soft reset…like turning your phone off and on again when it gets laggy and broken.

Concentration:  This is still a struggle for me but I have seen a little improvement.  Not much, but a little.

Sleep: My sleep patterns changed the very first week.  I still struggle to fall asleep and stay asleep but most nights I’m asleep around midnight rather than angrily tweeting about insomnia at 4am.  I’m less likely to feel like I’ve been drugged and hit by a truck in the morning.

Anxiety: TMS treats depression on the left side of your brain but I also did treatment on the right side of my brain for anxiety.  This isn’t always standard so ask your doctor about it if you’re having TMS.  This is where I felt the most improvement.  When I started TMS I was having severe anxiety and massive problems with agoraphobia.  I had a hard time leaving the house and I didn’t answer my phone. I struggled with even emailing people.  Right now I feel almost normal.  Tomorrow I’m leaving to see Europe for the first time in my life and I would never have imagined I’d agree to on this trip if you’d asked me a few months ago.  And I’m scared about traveling but I’m excited, and that’s something that I haven’t felt in a long time.  My family actually noticed these changes in me before I did.

OCD and ICD:  Unfortunately TMS didn’t really improve this a ton.  I still feel irrational OCD and ICD thoughts but slightly less.

I don’t know if this will keep working but if I fall into the deep depression again I qualify to get follow-up treatments in the future and it’s nice to have hope.  In fact, hope is the best thing that came from this treatment.  This treatment is still new and strange and we don’t know exactly why it works for some or why it doesn’t for others but the fact that it does work for some people means that there’s hope for all of us…that things are getting better and slowly we’re figuring out how these wonderful and terrible engines that run us work.  I have hope that I will get better.  Because I did.  And that’s a good reminder to keep close when things get bad again and my depression starts telling me lies.

I will get better.  So will you.  Each day more and more people understand the struggle and more treatments become available.  One day there will be a cure.    We’re getting closer every day.  And I’ll be here for it.

PS. I did embroidery every day as I got treatment and a friend (Laura Bundesen) sent me a pattern that I could concentrate on while in the chair.

Finished:

Stabbing a brain thousands of times while getting stabbed in the brain thousands of times. It’s almost too fitting.

183 thoughts on “On finding the cure for depression”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Jenny, I’m so happy that while it was perfect, you got some benefit from the treatment and you feel like it’s been an improvement.

  2. I’m so happy you’ve seen some improvement. I have pretty severe agoraphobia, and it looks promising to me, I mean aside from traveling to a medical facility and being trapped in a machine. Hah.

    I think “Better but not Perfect” is something to be incredibly proud of.

  3. I am so very happy for you and your family.
    All my best wishes for a lovely, safe trip.

  5. Im so glad the treatment has helped you! I needed this today, as I have been feeling rather hopeless at ever feeling “normal” again. I hope you and your family have a wonderful time on your trip! You deserve it! <3

  6. You m’am are a warrior and a total badass. Thank you for sharing your treatment experience and outcome. It helps, it helps so so so much.

  7. This is amazing and uplifting to read, and though it didn’t fix everything, you being willing and EXCITED about Europe is HIUGE!! Thank you for sharing your experiences – hope is always needed.

  8. I know at least one person who’s going to try this treatment as well, and I’m so hopeful it works as well for her as it did for you. Thank you for blogging about this – it’s important to know what happens and that even if it’s not a miracle cure it was worth it for you.

  9. There are FREE options for TMS if you search clinicaltrials.gov – depending on your location. As you know, it is a time commitment, but for those without insurance and a convenient study site – definitely worth exploring.(and they may pay YOU to participate!)

    I was part of the initial clinical trials for it more than a decade ago and I finish my clinical trial later this month for it.

  10. Happy that the treatment gave you some relief! Also Very Happy that you’re — wait for it — GOING TO FREAKING EUROPE!!!!!!!! Woot woot! Can’t wait to see your dispatches from London. Good for you, Jenny! We’re pulling for you!

  11. Feels weird saying this, but this post made me cry. Not sure why…but I am over the moon about your upcoming travels. Enjoy Europe, enjoy your family. I wish more than anything for you that this trip is like being able to take a deep breath after holding it for far too long. <3

  15. So glad for the improvement–enjoy your trip!! Your optimism gives rise to hope–you haven’t always sounded hopeful but now you do That is wonderful

  17. I love the embroidery! Almost as much as I love hearing how much this has worked for you. I hope you continue to improve. You are a wonder. Hugs!

  20. I re-read Furiously Happy on the plane yesterday and between snort-laughing (sorry/not sorry, fellow passengers), I thought about the progress you’ve made with this therapy and the flat-out bravery that you’ve exhibited. You’re brill, Lawson, and I know you’ll have a fantastic trip! Try the haggis!

  21. Wow, that’s amazing! The part about your sleep is even more intriguing to me than the depression and anxiety, although I struggle with those too. I live in New York but my internal clock has my sleep/wake cycle set on Hawaii time. I have so many physical symptoms that I can’t help but wonder if I should talk to my psychiatrist about TMS to take some of the burden off my body by helping fix my brain. Thank you for sharing, and I’m glad you’ve found relief! ❤

  22. Thank you for posting this journey. You’ve given hope and possiblity to some who have given up.

  23. Congrats! I’m so glad. Have a wonderful time in Europe. It’s a fascinating place

  24. I hope you have a fabulous time in Europe! It is so awesome that you are feeling better. In Paris, I recommend taking the bus or a cab to get around instead of the Metro. All the stairs in and out of the Metro stations really wore me out when I was there. Take time to rest and soak it all in rather than running frantically around trying to see and do everything. After dark the Eiffel Tower is lit up with sparkly lights on the hour – it is magical!

  25. Soooo happy for you, Jenny! Any relief from depression and anxiety is a win in my book! Have a blast in Europe! And as a neuroscience person, I heartily approve of your most recent embroidery project. 🙂

  26. I had never heard of this until you started posting about it, so this has been educational for me. I’m glad it has helped and I hope it can help more people as we learn more about it.

  28. This is so fantastic to hear. I’m so glad it’s helped! I can imagine people who have never dealt with depression and its shitty friends (anxiety, OCD, intrusive thoughts, insomnia) think getting zapped in the brain with magnets sounds totally weird, but anyone whose battled those waves will tell you “Any port in a storm!” It sounds like this port worked out great.

    And have the most fun ever in Scotland!!!! 🙂

  30. I am so happy for you!
    The thing you say about ‘what for some people is normal’ feels so scary to me. I’ve been having a few good days lately, and I immediately was afraid I’d gone manic or something. I mean, me, feeling…just okay? No scary thoughts overscreaming me all the time? No constant sadness and suicide thoughts? That can’t be right? But maybe you are right, maybe that is normal for some people. And maybe one day those days are more common for us than the ones we consider normal now. Maybe one day we don’t have to think ‘is this what normal people feel like?’ But rather ‘is this what a bad day feels like?’

    I hope we can reach that. Thank you for being awesome.

  31. Better is always good. Having hope again is phenomenal. I wish it wasn’t so hard to deal with insurance companies. I suck at that. Still, I am seriously considering looking into this treatment. Thank you SO much for sharing this journey with all of us.

  32. I’m so glad you’ve been writing about this—I don’t think I would have known about TMS (certainly not as much) if not for you. I’ve already suggested it to a friend who has struggled for years – not one of her doctors had mentioned it.

  34. It’s really encouraging to hear about the improvement you’ve experienced. I am so happy for you. My doctor offers TMS so when I see her next week I am going to check into it. I rate my moods on a scale of 1 to 10 and most of the time I live at about a 2 with a good day being a 3. I would be ecstatic to even achieve a 5 or 6. Since I also have anxiety I will ask about getting treatment for both sides, as you did. Thank you for that information. I hope you enjoy every day of your European adventure!

  35. Happy last day of TMS! I’m so glad you’ve had improvement and that you’re able to get out and have new experiences as a result. It’s wonderful news and so exciting. Enjoy your trip; I can’t wait to read all about it after you get back. HAVE FUN, be as furiously happy as you can!! <3 <3 <3

  37. I am so, so happy to hear how well the TMS worked for you Jenny. You are such a bringer of hope. As for Europe? I hope you go and have the most kick-ass time possible.

  40. This is good news Jenny!! I can’t wait to see/hear all about your trip 🙂 My daughter and I went to Scotland last July and it was beautiful!

  41. I think the feeling of hope is one of the most exciting results to read about. <3 That alone can cure some ills. xoxoxox
    I hope that your European Vacation is at least half as adventurous as the Griswolds’. 😀

  42. You give me hope! I just started medication last week, and already I’m sleeping a little bit better. Also, that brain pattern is my favorite. You’ve inspired me to try something new, and my first pattern will be a violin – my favorite instrument. Love, hugs and prayers to you for continued progress.

  43. I’m so glad you’re feeling better! I love the colorful brain you created. It’s how brains should look.

  44. This post made me smile so much, congratulations. Also, that embroidered brain is spectacular.

    I humbly request a blog post/coffee table book with photos of each of your embroidered works of art.

  46. I’m so happy this treatment helped you! Also I am really digging that rainbow brain, I need to get that kit. The Under the Microscope piece is phenomenal as well.

  48. I am so incredibly happy for you, Jenny! Now, if only we could stop insurance companies from being so evil and stop pushing psychotropic meds as the only solution to mental illness, we’d make more progress in that field! Hell, my insurance company not only denied the Tremfya for my psoriasis, but Xifaxan, too, which is a CURE for IBS! You take it for 2 weeks and you’re done! Bastages!

  49. Best news I’ve heard today! Here’s a toast to celebrate you! (Okay, it’s only buttered toast … but I sprinkled sugar and cinnamon on top.)

  50. I’m so happy that this treatment worked for you! And just in time go see a new country with your daughter! What a wonderful experience to celebrate together! Keep up the hilarious and insightful posts! I Che k everyday and feel comforted to know that I’m not the only one who struggles. Thank you for putting yourself out there in the hopes that it will help others! I admire your bravery!

  51. I’m so happy it has helped! And that is a beautiful Brian you made 🙂

  53. Thank you for sharing your experiences with this therapy–I’m so happy that you’re seeing improvement! Also, your embroidery skills are rock star level. Have a wonderful time in Europe!

  54. Thank you for sharing all of your journey. You continue to be a light of hope. ❤️🐣🦄 You are BRAVE.

  55. I have a good friend who has been getting TMS treatments for some time. He says that they’ve really made a difference for him. Like you, they made SOME difference at first, but over time, the difference they’ve made has been substantial. Hang in there. I’m proud of you. You’re a woman of strength and courage, an inspiration to all of us.

  56. So much love. You are anazing.thank you for everything you do. I have been in a bad spell, and not sure I would have survived but for your wisdom.

  58. Thank you for sharing your treatment journey with us. I am glad that you did receive some positives from this experience. Hope is a powerful thing to have been granted.

  59. This is really wonderful news. I hope someday this treatment is available to everyone with medication resistant depression. Congratulations and enjoy your trip. Absolutely love the brain embroidery too!

  60. Yay for new treatments! I’m so glad that new treatments are being found. I’ve been mostly good for a number of years now. But one of my sons and one of my daughters suffer from depression so I’m glad new things keep coming. Have fun traveling!!

  62. My dear friend has just finished her TMS treatment too. I sent her your blog before she went in and I’m so fucking grateful to you for explaining this in ‘Jenny terms’ so her family and I could understand WTF. It makes sense. Reboot. ‘Have you tried turning it off and on?’ IT Crowd sure gets it said.

    She qualifies for follow up as well so there’s hope, as you say. And that’s huge for someone who has done every cocktail of pills and therapy most of her life. Thanks for being a strong, hilarious guinea pig for us all (science, bitch!).

    You’re a beacon of real light and I hope it leads you out of the darkness as it’s doing for us, your friends always.

    Love you, man (sniff) 💜

  63. Thank you for sharing your experience! I rejoice in your positive results. Enjoy Europe. And your embroidery kicks ass…

  64. I’m sooooo glad you are feeling better! Have a most awesome trip too – you will love everything there is to see and I look forward to seeing your posts all about your adventures.
    On a more important topic tho – what will you be doing will all of those embroideries you did while getting treatment?

  65. Great news! Thanks for letting us tag along. (Now if only we got to go to Europe, too!)

  66. I often find myself quoting President Obama in life, “Better is Good”…whatever we can to to make our lives better, regardless of the measurement, we should do it. I am so glad that you are experiencing success in your journey.

  67. Thank you for all the updates! I’m so excited for you.
    Life doesn’t have to be perfect. Better is pretty darn great.
    The embroidered brain is a thing of beauty!

  68. I am so happy for you. You are an inspiration to me. You never give up, u keep looking for options and moving forward. I I hope you have a great trip.

  71. This is awesome news. Have you tried infrared and near infrared treatment. I’ve heard good things bout that too.

  72. I was telling my counselor about your experience with this a few weeks ago. After I had to explain Beyoncé, and some other comments and references she wasn’t “in the know” about. I should get her your FiRST book. She would love it, be hooked, and be a dedicated reader! Or, think I was a crazy stalker person. I’m so glad that you had improvement! And Europe?! I’m so jealous! And so excited for you! I want you to see everything! Enjoy yourself!

  73. 65%-75% is an amazing improvement from where you were at. I’m so happy you had such a great improvement and I almost fell out of my chair when you posted that you were going to Europe a while back ago. It just shows how far you’ve come.

  74. So, so glad you are feeling improvement! Being excited about something is such a huge step. I hope you enjoy your trip and make many happy memories ❤️

  75. Jenny,
    I’m glad that the treatments are working for you. DO NOT allow that Emotionally Vampiric lying bastard called depression get the best of you. You are strong as we’ve all seen and with a sarcastically but truthful sense of humor. You can beat this and with the help of this treatment you are on your way maybe not to what you think of recovery but a better life experience. You are my hero (still waiting for your superhero name, tapping my fingers on my desk by the way). So soldier on girlfriend. You are an inspiration to many of us on here and we live vicariously through your adventures with Victor, Haley, Hunter, Ferris and Dottie. Ya’ll should have your own comic I swear! Mental high five and you go girl!!!

  76. I’m so encouraged by your success! I hope your family trip to Europe is even better than you’ve imagined!

  77. Just wondering….where do you put your crossstitches? is there an amazing crosstitch wall in your home, or have you gifted them? Does Hailey have a favourite? Have you made a miniature one for your dollhouse?

    My husband is finally home after trialling a new medication for 8 weeks- it worked for reducing the impact of his OCD. Well, he said it is still there, but it is like he doesn’t have to listen to the thoughts and has the power to move past them. So happy, quality of life improving!

  78. Thanks for all your insight. Your experiences have been helpful in my making the decision to undergo TMS.

  79. Just happy for you. So happy you feel improvement. Enjoy your trip, you marvelous human, you!

  81. Congrats on finishing treatment! (I was going to say ‘congrats on sticking it out’ but that sounded unnecessarily… inappropriate? Thinking of the weird cookie cutter and face mask on your Twitter…) Have super fun in Europe!

  82. Hope is the best. The hope that came from getting out of my worst depressive episode is what has kept me alive since. If I could get out of that, I can get out of anything, and depression lies to me but I fight it.

    Have a great trip, Jenny.

  83. I’m so glad this worked for you! As someone who also suffers from MDD, I know how much even some improvement can help.

    Also, can I say how much I love that pattern!

  85. As a psychologist I’ve heard good things about TMS, and I’ve had my fingers crossed that it would be helpful for you…I’m so glad it has been!! One of the big things I see in my work is that sometimes people do forget what “normal” (for lack of a better word) feels like, and sometimes the benefit we see most from any treatment is “Oh yeah, THIS is what I’ve been hoping for!”

    Congratulations!!

  86. So glad you are feeling better!
    Enjoy Europe. Cant wait to hear your stories about it.

  87. I am SO HAPPY for you and SO EXCITED for you to go to Europe!!!!! And your embroidery is just stunning. Congrats friend!

  88. You are so strong Jenny. I am so happy you are feeling better. I hope you have lots of fun in Europe, but don’t eat the hard rolls they give you for breakfast each morning. My husband and I got hard rolls with our breakfast at hotels each morning. We swore that the hotels were sending the rolls around to different hotels through out Europe, and if we carved some initials on one, we might get it in the next country we went to! Love you!

  89. I am so happy for you!! I’m glad it improved in so many different levels!! I’m thankful for the reminder that things won’t always be so bad! I know that I’ve come a long way from where I was, and that I still have a lifetime to get to where I’m supposed to be, but it’s the tiny steps that I don’t always recognize that are the most constructive and I’m grateful for that!

  90. I’m furiously happy for both you and me, for many reasons. My youngest child suffers from depression, some of my dear friends also have depression, and I have periodic bouts. Your whole story is a beacon of hope, and your successful TMS experience has helped me to feel less anxious about my son’s depression. I hope you have a (metaphorical) scream in Europe.

  91. Happy tears for you, dear one. This is incredibly encouraging. Thank you for sharing your journey, your embroidery, and your sense of humor.

  93. THANK YOU FOR THIS, Jenny. I have written in all caps because I cannot possibly express otherwise how much o appreciate you weighing in on your full experience. I love you. We all do. Please have an amazing time in Europe.

  94. This is so awesome to read. And what better way to celebrate than to go on a trip to Europe?!
    Thank you for sharing, and have a wonderful time!

  95. Wonderful news! Thanks for letting us know about TMS. Have a great vacay to Europe and enjoy yourself!

  96. I wish you hadn’t titled this essay “On finding the cure for depression”. It’s not a cure; at least you don’t know if it has cured you yet, and for many people it doesn’t cure them. It’s great that it’s working for you so far. But I think the title oversold it.

  97. You are braver than you realize and have helped more people than you will know.
    And you are loved

  98. In my life lately it has been especially difficult to accept the simple truth that we only have control over ourselves and our actions….however to watch you ferociously scale your challenges and from those create an exquisitely multidimensional “furiously happy” mosaic that is your life…is just….extraordinary. Eat all the croissants in France Jenny!!! Also the real croissants are not curved -look for the straight ones-I’m not joking! That’s what American master pastry chef (who now lives in Paris) David Lebovitz says!

  99. I teared up reading this… So happy for you! Enjoy your trip gorgeous!! 😁

  100. I’m so happy that this is helping you! I can’t even imagine what you’ve been going through most of your life and then to have this…amazing!! Have a wonderful time in Europe!

  101. I’m SO GLAD that it’s helped you! I was in the unlucky third, but I’m still glad I did it. It was a crapshoot, since I have Bipolar II, not MDD; zapping both hemispheres increased my anxiety/hypomania without shifting the depression much. Still, I recommend it to everyone on the fence!

  102. Godspeed, my dear! Enjoy your vacation and know that people you have never met in person are lifting you up in their thoughts. ❤️

  104. Hi Ms. Lawson. You are talented and inspiring author. I enjoy your blog and your books. Do you perform/practice any types of “brain exercises” aimed at improving or maintaining your ability to concentrate? Is there a possibility your creative processes may be diminished by your treatments.

  105. Yay!!! So happy for you! Enjoy your travels – Europe is so awesome. Xoxo

  106. So happy for you. Have a wonderful trip. And I love the embroidered brain.

  107. I hate to say that I had to look up ICD because I didn’t know what it meant…. and I think I may have it.

  108. the embroidery is beautiful
    your writing is beautiful
    you are beautiful

    have a BEAUTIFUL time in Europe! (try not to think/worry…)

  109. That’s so amazing! Congratulations on being done! I am currently on my 20th TMS session (getting it done as I write this) and, unfortunately, I am not feeling much change in my depression. I still have hope though. I really enjoy your blog (and books) and am grateful for you honesty. Congratulations again! I hope you continue to see improvement.

  110. I am so happy that you’ve received some benefits from your treatment. I love reading your work, Jenny, and feel like you’re talking to me sometimes!
    I wanted to thank you for encouraging me to get back into embroidery work. I did it years ago, before I had a kid! I searched all the patterns I could find and found one related to your first one that I’ll eventually do. I got all the supplies!

  111. So glad you were brave enough to share this and all your other stories with the rest of the world. Here’s hoping that one of these days health care companies and government will realize that mental health needs proper attention and coverage.

  112. I am so happy for you!! This gives so many people so much hope. Thank you for sharing your journey. (And I hope you see Hadrian’s wall while you are in Scotland and the whole JK Rowling thing I sent you on Twitter was so much fun!!!)

  113. Congratulations and bon voyage, Jenny. A word to the wise: Do Not Try To Do Too Much. Everyone who visited me when I lived in England went to pieces after a day or two or three. The jet-lag seems to be much worse east-bound than west-bound. Take it easy and just soak up the atmosphere. You can always go back! If you do find yourself getting teary and frustrated and anxious, know that you’re not alone; it happens to many people. R-e-l-a-x………..and enjoy the time with your darling family.

  114. So happy for you that you have found some measure of really and grateful and humbled that you enjoyed working on that rainbow brain kit – you did a beautiful job with it and it makes me SO happy to know that it helped you get through 😍😘♥️ – your friend…. and I’m getting ready to head to Europe too – next week and can’t think of a better time to re-listen to your books on tape – ♥️

  115. So here’s a thing: my guru (who answers all questions with truth and even tells guy-secrets) had me fight insomnia by writing a haiku each time I wake up and then going back to sleep. Some days I wrote 3x a night, sometimes 2, sometimes I didn’t feel like it. But it became a HABIT. so that I could actually fall back to sleep after writing a haiku. They’re all titled Waking.

  116. I am so happy for you.
    Blessings on your trip tp Europe.
    You are a National Treasure.

  117. That’s wonderful news Jenny. I’m glad you’ve seen improvements. Have a great trip.

  119. I’m really happy for you, that you’ve seen improvements. I haven’t commented a lot on your posts about mental illness, but I really admire how open you are about talking about it, and your bit about there being a cure one day is really…a cure for mental illness seems like a really far away idea right now, but I really hope it’s true.

    My oldest, a super talented, gifted student who’s supposed to be a senior next year, had a psychotic break not long ago, and I feel like garbage for not realizing something was wrong: her grades slipped suddenly and massively, she’s always been so quiet but she started getting into screaming arguments with teachers, and she was going on all these rants about conspiracies, but I just brushed it off and let it get worse and worse until she completely broke with reality. I feel like such garbage. She deserved help and she should have gotten it way sooner. She’s always worked so hard and had dreams of going to one of the top schools in the country, and of becoming a professor, but I’m terrified now, thinking about the idea of her going away for school and having another psychotic episode while all alone. 85% of schizophrenic people are unemployed. What kind of future can she possibly have? And now my thirteen-year-old seems to be showing signs of psychosis (she keeps yelling “shut up!” when no one is talking, complains of hearing noises I don’t hear, her speech is sometimes incoherent, and she’s just constantly accusing people of poisoning her), and she attempted suicide only a few weeks ago, and they’re questioning if her high-functioning Autism diagnosis might have been wrong, and it was actually negative symptoms, and it’s so scary. My youngest is being assessed for Autism, what if that’s a misdiagnosis too, and we find out later she’s schizophrenic as well? I feel so irresponsible. I knew I had relatives with schizophrenia, but since I didn’t have it, I assumed my kids would be safe.

    Anyway. Sorry for the word-vomit, it’s just been a stressful couple of weeks, and my thirteen-year-old had a less than great appointment today, and everything just seems awful. I think it’s admirable that people like you talk openly about living with mental illnesses, it makes me feel more hopeful about my daughters’ potential futures. It makes me feel less like this is going to eat them alive.

  120. That is amazing! I find it interesting it works better on a anxiety than depression. I am happy you are feeling better! Have a wonderful trip!

  121. I’m so happy to read this, I’m crying! But happy crying, because it has been awesomely read this journey. Congrats on your trip and I hope you have an amazing time with your family. Just think of all the European taxidermy you will come across! It is untapped and waiting for you. Happy Travels!!!

  122. THRILLED & OVERJOYED with this great update. Enjoy your trip
    Loved the embroidery. Can you share the pattern please
    Stay positive and hopeful. Still baby steps but with such progress
    😎❤️👍

  123. Congratulations Jenny! I join the rest of the tribe in their support of you getting helpful treatment and on your up coming trip. I do wish you all happiness and health!

  124. I am so very very very happy for you! When you first started TMS I was like ‘oh wow, I hope it helps her because I’ve been feeling better lately and I hate when I’m feeling better but others aren’t’. Now I’m reading this to find hope myself, after having major anxiety issues the past two weeks and feeling the depression pushing in the back of my mind. I am so glad this has done so much good for you and it’s so wonderful that we have these options nowadays. Thank you for taking us on this journey with you and sharing your progress with us, it really does shine a bright light in the middle of a dark time.

  125. Hidden gem in Paris–the Museo des Ars Forain http://arts-forains.com/en/visitors Cool old wine warehouses by the Seine with a courtyard with a huge chestnut tree and all these wonderful carousels and fairground games and art pieces. Utterly magical and I suspect right up your alley. If you happen to be there the second weekend of Sept they have everything running and entertainers and food which is how I experienced it. You might enjoy the currently available private or semi-private tour version more–they have English tours now. The Palais Garnier shows you what taste plus lots of gilt and marble looks like–stunning building and the ballets we saw there were incredible but you can also take tours. The art museums are incredible of course–one of the slightly off the beaten track options with extreme quality but not such crowds/lines is Monet Marmottan. If you get a chance and alcohol is okay for you I cannot more highly recommend Chartogne-Taillet a grower champagne from Merfy. Never had a bad bottle but recommend the Les Barres or Heurtebise for a splurge or the Sainte Anne at a more affordable price point. We found bottles at Lavinia (wine store–they keep the good stuff including this in the basement locked cooler) and at the really cool (but crowded) grocery store in the Palais Royal (insane mall that actually looks like a palace but again crowds so send hubby or something for the wine and a selection of incredible cheese–you have to eat cheese in Paris as it surpasses anything we have). Anthony Bourdain recommended (privately to Patton Oswalt for his honeymoon) Le Comptoir (which has a weekday evening prix fixe menu fancier dinner and the rest of the time amazing affordable bistro food) or for a splurge Le Dome for the seafood tower. At some point have a crepe on the street from a cart and Berthillon ice cream preferably on the Ile St. Louis. Le Comptoir is in a hotel owned by the chef but we adored our small apartment through Hotel Crayon Rouge–they have several small hotels around the city and the staff is above and beyond amazing–my horse vet sent me there and it made our trip! If you leave the city, Chantilly is awesome. Make sure you grab a cab immediately at the station as they disappear shortly after the train comes in). It’s a house and stables with incredible art/gardens but closer to human scale like French Downton Abbey vs Versailles Buckingham Palace. In England we were most happy with Premier Inn which is not a fancy chain but we always found both the rooms and the customer service to be a relief from stress that we experienced elsewhere. The British Museum (Elgin Marbles from Parthenon made me cry–I went back a second time on a short trip) & National Gallery are incredible. Highly recommend a trip out to Oxford–shorter trip than Cambridge and overall I liked it more even though I thought the opposite would be true. Farther afield Chatsworth is TO DIE FOR. It is mentioned in Pride and Prejudice (the novel), played Pemberley in the Kiera Knightley version of the film and is filled with art collected by generations of people with not just money but actual taste and a long history of opening their home to visitors even before estate taxes made it necessary–the Devonshires even have a good rep with the locals in Lismore Ireland where they have another castle (also highly recommended btw if you visit Ireland and go to Mullen’s pub and do the Castle Walk–not Lismore Castle but a folly just out of town). Back to Chatsworth–they actually let people bring their dogs and they let you play in the fountain–there is an actual sign warning you the footing is slicker than you’d think in the Cascade (a long stair stepped mini waterfall series which is tuned to change the sound as you walk up or down it). Btw I believed the sign and still slipped a bit so be careful! And you can have tea in the old stables and it is lovely and oh so English!–book in advance. There is a Premier Inn out that way too. In Wales, Bodnant Gardens is my dream gardens–I spent two afternoons there, one with my husband and the second time I told him to drop me and go do whatever he wanted. Wales in general is rather awesome and for Doctor Who fans in Cardiff don’t miss the Doctor Who Experience (and the Torchwood Tower and the Castle and any other filming locations you care to track down). Recommend the Park Plaza over St. David’s for hotel–much better staff and upkeep and an easy walk to the Castle where we went on a torch lit ghost tour (I momentarily forgot torches were flashlights so no open flames alas). Also I always check to see if any actors from my favorite shows are performing in plays–got to see both Martin Freeman and Mark Gatiss on stage on various trips to London–incredible! All this may be too late for this trip but when you go back…

  126. Oh Jenny, I am so glad this helped you. I’ve not known that kind of depression in a long time, thanks to the medication I’m on, but I still know it enough to feel so glad for you that this helped. ‘Normal’ even if it is only in fits and bursts is such an amazing feeling when you haven’t felt it in so long. I hope this stays working for you. You’v been such a bright beacon for others, I can not help but think you deserve it

  128. “Better but not perfect” – what we all can sincerely hope for. You are an inspiration. Enjoy your trip! You WILL enjoy it!

  130. Thank you for sharing your story. Until a while ago I thought that living two lives (pretending to be upbeat outside of my house and feeling not that way in my brain), having to talk myself up to leave the house, travel to two jobs, actually walking into the job sites, going to my friend’s and family’s houses was normal. It helps to know other people that I like and respect have the same things going on.

  132. That embroidery is TOTALLY fitting. What a cool thing to keep as a memory of your treatment. & yeah, less depression is always a good thing to keep 😉

  133. I am so happy for you, glad things are looking up. I am so glad your sense of humour does not leave you though when you are depressed. You are one hilarious woman, please don’t stop! Thank you for sharing your journey.

  135. Remember that no one is perfect. Everyone has dark days. Better is a good place to be.
    AND
    Everyone is afraid and excited to travel. That’s pretty dang normal. Congrats!

  136. Perfect is for the weak, for those with no imagination, for those who cannot see the beauty around them. You are so far beyond those pale, imitation persons!

  137. Thank you for letting us go on this walk with you. With you in spirit.
    And have a wonderful adventure across the pond!

  138. Huge celebration for you! I’m not sure what ‘normal’ is but I know that’s not a label I can wear. Perhaps the best ‘you’ is the ‘you’ you are right now. :o)

  140. So glad you’re doing this and are better for it. I know Laura, we went to high school together! How awesome you know her. Great embroidery project. Cheers to you!! And travel – go enjoy because I’m certain you’ll have a wonderful adventure.

  141. I’m so happy that the treatments have made you feel better, Jenny, and that you are able to see so much improvement in your symptoms – PLUS, you have some fantastic stitchery to show for it, win-win! I hope you have a fab time in Yurp – 2 of the favorites for my family when we visited was a stop at Platform 9 3/4 (with requisite cheesy photos, natch), and climbing the steps up to Sacre Couer that we had seen in the Bill Murray version of “The Razor’s Edge”. Small pieces of an unforgettable 5-country visit we took our teen-aged kids on several years ago. One other thing, I was caught unawares by the need to pay for toilet use in several venues – almost had a crisis at the Tower of London! But it served as inspiration for a couple of scatalogical limericks I wrote that still make me laugh. Have fun!

  142. Your needlework is on point! Beautiful! Also, I’m so glad you found it to be mostly successful. Welcome back to “normal”.

  144. My favorite embroidery out of the bunch <3 Congratulations for completing your brain-banging, and Bon Voyage on what I hope is a FANTASTIC trip over the pond. Take lots of photos to share with us. Giant hugs!!!

  145. I’ve loved following your progress throughout your treatments. It makes me very happy to know that it’s helping you some. I hope you and your family have a fantastic time in Europe!

  147. Your brain is beautiful! You are beautiful! Bon Voyage. I’m so happy for you to be going to Europe with your improved and beautiful brain. Sending you so much love.

  149. I’m glad that you are seeing progress. I always describe life with depression as being stranded in the ocean, treading water. You have to keep going, even if you’re exhausted because the alternative is drowning. When we find treatments that work, even if only temporarily, it’s like being thrown a life raft.

    As an aside, that embroidered brain is all kinds of adorbs!

  150. I’m so happy you are doing better. Quilting (particularly Appliqué and embroidery) help with my anxiety and other things and is my therapy. Your embroidery is beautiful!

  151. As someone who also suffers from anxiety and depression, I am so happy to hear that you’ve found even some relief. I’m sure “normal” people can’t even imagine… It’s like you’re in a war that’s still going on, but at least you’ve won some battles… And that’s awesome. Have fun in Europe!

  154. I am so proud of you for fighting for this treatment for yourself and for the sake of your family. Having a little trouble typing through the tears. Thank you for all you do to raise awareness and help erase the stigma of mental illness. You deserve all the good things.

  155. I’m so happy for you. I have just started hormone replacement therapy. It has been a godsend. I’m shocked at how much better my aniexty feels. You are of the age, please see about getting your estrogen levels checked.

  156. I’m thrilled you found HOPE! That is the true flashlight we all need when we battle the Big D. Keep pointing it at all the things that deserve a spotlight, and don’t forget to change the batteries. Enjoy Europe. Enjoy today. Enjoy life.

  158. You are my hero! I cried when I read this. It’s nice to know that there’s hope. Bless you, dear lady. Sending whatever kind of hugs you’re comfortable with.

  159. I’m so happy you’re able to live outside your head and go on wonderful adventures. I hope you have a fantastic time on the other side of the pond and make memories that will last many lifetimes.

  160. Hey you! I’m very happy to hear that you’re finding relief. I’m wondering if it fades and if so, after how long. And if you’ll need to go for “touch up treatments” (for lack of a better way of saying that).

  162. Jenny, I’m so happy for you. Congratulations on your improvements and your renewed hope! I hope you have a fabulous trip. 🙂

  163. Hi Jenny! So glad you are feeling better! Did you notice any improvement in your RA? I suffer with CRPS, and TMS is being looked into for helping the pain. I was just curious if you noticed any improvement in pain. Thanks! <3

  164. I know you are busy right now dazzling Scotland, but the link where you say “Click here to read the whole TMS story” points right back to this post.

  165. To be Honest about Depression I went through that and the Feeling of it is was terrible. I knew what I had to do to rid myself of what was causing my Depression. Once you come to know what caused it you have to remove yourself from whatever and whomever. Once I did that Day by Day I started feeling Better and Better. My Health was more important than what I was dealing with. I refuse to allow the Wicked and Heartlessness of Anyone or Anything to ruin my life that we all was Blessed with by our Heavenly Father the Almighty Most High. I found the Power in me and took back Control of my life. Today I am feeling Blessed, Great and Wonderful due to the Almighty Creator whom I Value and Love very much. You to will have the Power and Control of your life again just allow our Heavenly Father to Guide you and Strengthen you.

  166. I just found out about your blog today from a client. I’ve had my own issues with anxiety, depression and ptsd since I’ve been 13. I learn more about the mystery of mental health every day. Right now I am thankful I’m mainly in remission and keep plugging away at it every day. Thank you for sharing your life with you’d. Shawn

  168. Keep up the good work! I hope you are using other tools besides the TMS and the medications.

    Having a schedule, a balanced diet, and meditation along with mindfulness have helped me along with medication. If I don’t take note of my mood and my personal hygiene daily; I could slip into a deep depressive episode and not catch myself until it’s done significant damage

  173. My doctor recently recommended that I try TMS, and I immediately shut her down. I was angry that she would even suggest it, but really it was because it was so different and stigmatized, and that made it terrifying. But I’ve just read through your entire “TMS is painful…” tag, and I’m starting to consider it. It’s too early to say I’m going to try it, because I’m terrified of doctors and basically everything about this, but it’s good to know that someone else went through this and survived. That you’re still here and still fighting and maybe that means I can do this, too.

    I hope you have (had?) a wonderful time in Europe. I was in England just last year, and I can’t tell you how much I miss it.

  174. Better may not be perfect, but it’s progress and that’s all we can hope for. So happy that you’ve seen some improvements <3

  177. Pingback: On finding the cure for depression — The Bloggess – SEO

  180. i’m new to your blog and will read previous posts to understand fully the treatment you have gone through. It’s good you have seen some sort of an improvement, so it’s had some kind of impact, however appreciate it’s not fully worked. At least you now know you were previously operating at a low and you now know what that feels like. Now you have this knowledge it can work for you in the future. As in you will spot the early signs if things start to change and therefore be able to do something about it. Just noticing these things can have such a positive impact. I will be following with interest 🙂

  181. Any and all improvement is something to be celebrated! Yay, you! I’ve had depression for 36 long years and have learned a great deal about it. I’m also determined to turn my situation around. Reading about new approaches and techniques is always good. Just remember to keep working with the experts, take the medication as prescribed, and most importantly keep working at turning your beliefs around. You CAN do it!

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