Hailey asked me what I’d choose to have squirt out of my finger on demand if I had the choice of any liquid and I thought vodka would be good but a bottle of vodka lasts me forever so instead I went with gasoline and Hailey said that would taste terrible but then I explained that I’d use it to never have to go to the gas station again. Hailey chose hot fudge, which I’m not sure is technically a liquid but is still a very good choice. Then I asked Victor what liquid he’d choose to have squirt out of his finger and almost before I’d finished the question he said, “Acid. For sure. I’d squirt acid out of my finger.” And then I just stared at him for a bit because he answered that way too quickly but I think our choices probably say a lot about our personalities and this is one of the weirdest Rorschach test ever.
PS. I just changed my answer because I think that probably the best liquid to squirt out of your finger is blood because blood banks are always low and that way I could donate a ton of blood. Victor just pointed out that my finger already squirts out blood on demand if I cut the tip off so it’s almost like I got my wish, except not really at all, Victor.
*******
And on an entirely different subject, it’s time for the Sunday wrap-up!
Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):
Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:
- Worst. Build-a-Bear. Ever.
- I’ve never felt more understood in my life.
- Chinese copies of Furiously Happy and Let’s Pretend This Never Happened are dropping. Literally.
- Hide and Seek Champion 2018
- The drawings, y’all.
This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Better Help. Some issues in life are best solved with the help of a professional and there’s no shame in asking for that help. BetterHelp is a great online counseling platform that provides unlimited access to a licensed counselor for less than the cost of in-person therapy. Get matched with a counselor and start communicating via text, live chat, phone call or video within 24 hours. You should check them out here.
Tequila!!!!
Diet Coke
Victor is my spirit animal. Before I finished reading the headline, I thought, “Acid.”
Not very exciting, probably, but my favorite beverage is tea. No more tea bags.
I was thinking lasers until I read “liquid.” Is there a liquid laser? Please say yes. It is the closest I could ever come to being a super-hero.
Amaretto!
“Peace, love and human kindness!” ( Not my real answer but when I said ‘Beer’ my wife gave me ‘The Look’ so I changed it quuckly!)
NACHO CHEESE FOR THE WIN!
Water!
My first thought was ice cold water. Would be great during hikes and on really hot days. If not that then I would choose melted gold.
I’m with Jenny on this one. Gas would save me countless amounts of money and time.
I’m so boring, I’d go with water, cause it’s the liquid I use most.
Well, I thought “pee”…think about it. You would never have to get half undressed to pee. You could just point and shoot.
Random question – can anyone help me remember the word Jenny made up about the internet and or URL links? I seem to remember it as she was directing us to click on something and it made perfect sense, but I can’t remember what it was now. Bueller… Bueller…??
I think hot fudge qualifies as a “non-Newtonian liquid.”
Boring as it is, pure clean water would be my choice. I wouldn’t have to worry about being thirsty ever again, I could shoot people with it like a water gun, I could water my plants without a hose, and I could wash my hands whenever I want. Any other liquid would be either drinkable or useful, but not both.
Olive oil. I’m always out of olive oil when I need it.
Amanda, nacho cheese is an AWESOME answer.
Coffee for sure!
Chocolate frosting. No! Buttercream. No wait! Soft serve frozen custard. Yeah, that’s it.
I am definitely riding along in the sugar addiction wagon.
I want seltzer water to shoot out my finger. I’m addicted to it and I never have enough. But it needs to be cold… maybe I’d ice my finger…
Also, it’s weird that I want to suck on my finger after this convo… like something good might actually come out
I’m going with Hailey on this one and saying hot fudge. My sugar and chocolate cravings could be stopped with the simple slip of my finger in my mouth, and people would never know I was pigging out. They’d be all sorry for me because they thought I cut myself and was nursing the wound when I’d really be nursing my love for hot fudge.
White wine out of one finger and red wine out of the other!
Is there a liquid that makes annoying people go away? Because that’s what I would want to shoot out of my finger. Skunk spray, maybe?
Liquid gold
A really nice colour of ink. You would never have to search for a pen
My answer is bubbles. I’ve been obsessed with bubbles since I was a kid. And as an adult my fav building used to have a bubble machine in their window. And let’s not forget Glinda floating around in one, so they make great transport.
Pee.
No more squatting awkwardly in the outdoors, especially on pavement, to avoid ankle splashes. Also, what a dream it would be to spell my name out in the snow, standing up with my pants on. Definitely pee.
I’m going with Mydangblog on wanting TWO fingers. And with Jenny-k on pee. Margaritas out of one finger and pee out the other. I’d save money AND never have to sit down in a toilet in a bar.
Jen b-k for the pee.
If it could be unlimited amounts, maybe clean water and spend some time in Flint. There’s you superhero.
I was going to say Windex because my glasses always need cleaning, but the folks who said ice-cold water won me over.
Can’t decide what my finger squirter should have (bourbon or water or both), but am fascinated with the roundup. Not surprised the chicken bear is from Metairie. There’s a lot of weird shit going on in that part of LA. And how does Victor protect the little “victories” whilst entering the tub? Asking for a friend.
Gin, of course!
Depends, does the liquid harm you if it’s dangerous or will you also get immunity to said liquid? You have to make that part of the question!
I would like my finger to squirt water on demand. Someone at work use the ol’ finger guns too much? BAM! SQUIRT GUN FIGHT IN THE OFFICE!!! I could also fight droughts too, I guess.
Hot coffee. What else
Anyone who knows me would be shocked by my answer: Unicorn blood. I am just soooo not that kind of gal! Nope, not on drugs, either.
I wanted to say pee, too, but then there’s no guarantee that your finger would be magically tied in to your bladder, so the pee would have to be stored somewhere else, so … okay, but assuming this liquid just magically appears as it’s shooting out of your finger, Brazilian medium-roast coffee, already lovingly tainted with cream and Splenda. Which is like the opposite of pee because it would MAKE pee, so it’s a two-fer. Bonus.
I would choose water, gatorade or both. My meds make me dehydrated and I have a hard time remembering to drink enough water all the time. This way, it’s all right there and I have no excuses now.
Sharpie. I guess I’d have to have a felt-tip finger. And maybe a cap. But how convenient!
The first thing I thought of was dish soap, because I do dishes by hand and it would be so convenient to just add more soap as I’m washing the dishes.
I know, really boring answer, but it was my first thought. Other than that, I’d go with cold water. That way I’d remember to stay hydrated.
That post got darker as it went. Wow. I still laughed.
I’d want one of those things installed like the color changing pens, so I could switch between liquids. May as well go big!
YeSSSS! Blood donors! I’d had to spend most of one summer getting operated on (after-market parts that break FTW) so I knew my way around the little city of the hospital. After the biggest parts were healed up, I went back down kinda casually to ask if I could donate blood and they tried and said “Hmm, maybe whole blood, you are not good at platelets.”
OK so I came back in two months and there was a slip that said “BB” clipped on my folder. I was wondering what that meant maybe “Bad Broad” or “Basically Bitch” but it turned out to mean “Blood Buddy.” I was an exact match for a woman who has sickle cell anemia and needs regular transfusions.
Everything I’ve heard about sickle cell is it’s one painful motherfucker of a disorder. So I tapped IN and I’ve hit the place every two months. For a week before I am especially careful not to get into it with anyone so I don’t have a bunch of adrenaline and cortisol wandering around loose. I get my sleep, drink raw veggie smoothies made fresh to order and lots of water.
It’s good for her to have regular donors so she won’t develop more antibodies, which narrows her pool of possible donors in an emergency. I’m one of a team of six people, also not known to me. I’ve wondered if a DNA sample would show we’re all related. I was offered to meet her and I said No because this is perfect- I get to love her and she won’t reject me for being a weirdo or… We’re totally anonymous. It’s highly likely we’re different ethnicities yet here we are, a perfect match- so go get stuffed “racists,” because “race” is a construct. We are human.
Donating is good for the soul- you will meet the nicest people staffing it- and with a whole blood donation, you’re in and out almost faster than you can finish your Lorna Doones and cranberry juice- but there’s even another benefit. Donating makes our body go “WTF?! Did I spring a leak?!!” and quickly manufacture moar lovely plump fresh blood, and you will feel a solid boost in wellness over the next week.
TL;DR- Spring a leak and donate blood!
Was going to pick pus over blood, as pus has got to come out, but blood not so much. I should have known where you were going with this.
I would want to squirt sweetened condensed milk from my fingers. I’d hang around coffee shops and make coffee taste better for people.
Nobody miss the drawings link – “The drawing, y’all.” I laughed so hard after starting to read the article. Thanks, Jenny – I needed that!
tough one. I’m a big fan of Polar seltzer water, so to have it on tap, so to speak, would be great. But then there’s the defensive aspect. Pepper spray or mace…
This should be one of those dating profile questions.
Coffee!
Breastmilk. Fingermilk? So that my family could go places again instead of being held hostage in our home by the shrieking maniac second child who despises ger car seat. This way i could drive and nurse her at the same time. Also it hurts less if she bites. And i could squirt annoying people in the eye. Though i guess i could do that now, but i might go to jail.
I don’t know Chinese but I feel a need to buy those books to celebrate this moment!!! 😀
Fruit punch, or just plain water. Especially if I can shoot for distance.
I’m offended that vodka made the cut but then subsequently voted off the island…and for gas of all things…geez. LOL.
One question – how do I unseen the chicken bear? My eyes hurt.
Unsee….stuoid autocorrect .
I am spending way too much time thinking about this. Gas is a great choice, especially with the prices going up lately, but that feels too responsible to be much fun… Water would be awesome because I hate carrying around water bottles everywhere I go and in the Arizona heat water is a must… It’d be unlimited, right? As much as I want? I wonder if I could make a lot of money off it if I chose oil or something like that. Although, knowing how corrupt people in power can get when it comes to valuable resources, that would probably lead to me being kidnapped and experimented on or something. ….. Would it be possible to choose some sort of really expensive medication in liquid form? Like, something that people need but often can’t easily afford, and I could set up some sort of donation organization and just squirt it out to everyone who needed it. … Yeah, too much time thinking about this.
I would say a nice red wine, but my husband says molten gold.
Ellie
oh God! hot chocolate any day
So I’d have some kind of magical liquid that isn’t already in existence — unless it is and we just haven’t discovered it yet! It would be a liquid that I could then direct telepathically to turn into a solid version of whatever I would demand, unless I was thirsty or needed gas, then it would remain liquid. So basically, it would be a liquid version of a Genie in a bottle! But it would be my finger instead of a bottle. And liquid.
Mona
I’ve been reading your work to my middle-schooler — but editing it a bit on the fly to keep a PG rating. I’ve fought a battle with depression, she’s socially anxious, and we’re both ADD.
So I’m finding a great deal of comfort & conversation-openers by sharing your frank discussions about mental health, relationships &, well, everything. She LOVES your Beyonce story …but I’ve just said “Knock knooooock!” So…. couldja wouldja make us a kid-friendly item with Beyonce&Rory? Ie no MOFO?
Many thanks!
That chicken bear is horrifying!
I’m with you on your vodka idea, only I’m just generically alcohol — rum would probably be my first choice, but I’m not that picky. When I’ve given time to think about it I always thought if I was an X-Man (er, X-Woman?) being able to fill a glass with booze from my finger, or make someone drunk with a touch would be the power I’d want. Sitting down next to Wolverine in a bar and filling up his glass (and switching it out to a different booze if his preference was something else) with a touch would make an awesome way to introduce myself, and getting Magneto drunk by touching him would be freaking cool! A plus side would be being able to dump a stream of 100 proof and have someone set it on fire. Instant flamethrower?
I’m hopping on the two-fingered bandwagon because I can’t make a decision. Or can we squirt something different from ALL of our fingers??? In that case, I’m going with Jack Daniels, gasoline, water, pee, vomit (to deter any attackers), my favorite perfume, coffee, hairspray, mouthwash, and strawberry milkshake.
That last link. Definitely not something to read at work. Only made it about half way but laughing so hard I was crying. And I don’t even have a good way to explain to my coworkers
Hot sauce – as both a self defense mechanism and a condiment
It seems like there’s a missed opportunity there to ask Victor if he meant something like nitric acid or LSD. And technically almost anything can be a liquid under the right conditions so I choose gold.
To the person who said margaritas out of one finger and pee out of the other. That is completely terrifying because I’m fairly certain at least one time I would end up confusing the two and drinking pee. I still don’t know what I would pick, especially if it could be multiple things out of multiple fingers but I feel like they would all have to either be things you drink or things you don’t drink to eliminate confusion. And probably not anything dangerous like gas since I would most certainly end up starting a fire and burning something down, which unless it was my workplace, probably would be a bad thing. Water. I better go with water. That’s safest for everyone.
Can I choose something that isn’t necessarily always a liquid? If so, then I choose gold. Then I could draw myself a really humongous nameplate necklace in cursive using my full name, draw really humongous links to make the necklace chain, and then when anyone looked at me sideways while I was wearing it I would say, “Well, it was perfectly fine for Carrie Bradshaw to wear a nameplate necklace!”
Otherwise I’d go with bourbon, because frankly I’ve had enough of this Monday business.
Too funny! My first thought was whipped cream – no more need for the can 🙂 This IS a really good personality test.
The choice of blood is a good one because human blood is $1500/gallon. However, the correct choice is Scorpion Venom because it is $39,000,000/gallon. You could then sell a gallon and get as much hot fudge, blood, vodka, and acid you wanted.
(My first attempt crashed. If this is a duplicate, please feel free to delete.)
Well, you’ve solved my “what do I say to people at parties” problem.
Miracle cure solution. Cure any sickness, injury, hurt , etcetera and puts the person animal or plant in perfect health.
According to the interwebs, Scorpion Venom is worth $39,000,000 per gallon, so I choose Scorpion venom. I am a Scorpio. It is my destiny.
MACE. Definitely MACE.
Breastmilk. I have thought of this many times over the years while feeding babies.
There was a movie I watched when I was young about a girl and possibly her brother whose mother died and they got to go deaigm their new nanny. they picked out her hair color and voice, etc.
she looked human, however she had to be plugged in.
She shot orange juice and milk from her fingers.
Blood is a very noble choice. But I’m sure the answer is gravy.
Just free-associating on the Rorschach test thing—I chose to have my character in Macbeth (Hecate) have a black plastic flamingo as a “familiar.” In the green room I would “let” it peek over people’s shoulders and sneak up on them from below, etc. Mostly I would just let it sit beside people and watch them. I was surprised to find that the reactions were like a deep peak into people’s psyches. “Stop judging me!” was my personal favorite and in some ways the most disturbing.
Omg, all I did was read the title of that post and the first thing that popped into my head was acid. Fistbump to Victor!
gold or morphine. about the same street value right?
I read the article linked to “The drawings, y’all.” I am 6 months pregnant and cranky as hell and I just laughed until I cried.
Highly recommend.
Thank you for sharing, Jenny! 🙂
Late to the party, but just sharing. I read the title and first sentence and was so struck by the question I had to try it on my teenage son. His first response was ‘acid’ (I laughed when I got to Victor’s reply). After discussing why this might or might not be a bad idea, he changed his answer to ‘milk’. Not chocolate milk, just milk. Being his mom, I chose not to remind him that even though it wasn’t my finger, at one time I could squirt milk out of a body part.
Green tea with honey.
The drawings, y’all. They made me laugh so much!