This day took a turn.

in Random Crap

So last night Dorothy Barker wouldn’t sleep and she whined like crazy and tried to go out to pee at least 10 times so today I took her to the vet and the vet was like, “Her bladder is too small to stick a needle in (wtf?)  but we think your dog has a bacterial urinary tract infection and canine derma vaginitis” and I know the first one but the second one was new to me so the vet was like, “Her cooter’s all borked up.  That’ll be $300.”

Then she was like, “I’m giving y’all some medicated wipes. You’ll need to clean your dog’s vagina four times a day.”

me:

Dorothy Barker:

But then I got home and Dottie refused to let me near her lady garden and I was running after her yelling “LET ME WIPE YOU” but she growled and hid under the table and I was like, “YOUR VAGINA IS A GROUP EFFORT, DOG” and then she tried to bite me and I was like, “LOOK, I’M NOT TRYING TO SHAME YOU.  I ASSURE YOU THIS IS ALL PERFECTLY NATURAL FOR A WOMAN” and then Victor came out of his office and yelled about how hard I made it to be professional on conference calls and I was like, “Dude, don’t blame me.  Blame your dog’s vagina” and then he was like:

Then I decided that maybe it would be easier to wipe the dog’s hoo-hoo if it didn’t have so much fur on it so I went to Target to find dog-clippers but they didn’t have any so I went to the men’s grooming section and there were a thousand trimmers but I didn’t know which one to use and a lady who works there asked if I needed help and I told her I was looking for the best way to shave my dog’s vagina and she was like, “Oh” and I explained that it was for medical reasons, not recreation but she still looked disturbed and then I realized that maybe she’s one of those people who is very pedantic about the term “vagina” meaning the tube part of the lady garden and honestly it would be weird to shave  inside a dog’s vagina so I corrected myself and said, “My dog’s vulva, I mean.  Obviously.  You know what I meant” but it seemed like she didn’t really so I grabbed the cheapest clippers with the ear hair attachment because it seemed like if it was safe for ears it was probably safe for dog vaginas.

But then when I got home  Dottie totally didn’t understand what I was trying to do…

…and she got freaked out by the clippers and kept running from me so I had to wrap a towel around her head so that we didn’t have to make eye contact and share our mutual shame and then she calmed down a little (which is probably the same way I’d want to get a bikini wax if I’m being honest) but I was holding her like a burrito in one hand and the clippers in another hand and she got squirmy and I totally cut a giant chunk of fur off of her tail and now it looks like she tried to cut her own bangs, but if her bangs were on her butt.

Then Victor yelled at me for breaking the dog but she was already broken and I have the doctor bill to prove it and technically she seemed pretty happy to have a freshly shaven vagina and she ran around the house feeling the breeze on her downstairs apartment and showing it off to anyone who would look.

This post is going to get me so many gross internet search results.

 

 

286 thoughts on “This day took a turn.”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. The love you have for Dorothy Jenny is amazing. The lengths you will go to to maintain her health is fabulous.
    I hope her bladder and vulval infections recover.

  8. I just laughed so hard I scared the cat and now my thighs look like I’ve started cutting myself. This happens on a distressingly frequent basis when reading your blog. Damn you, Jenny; the scratches from last time just healed over.

  10. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
    inhale
    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    Thank you so fucking much for this, Jenny! I will never be the same.

  11. Yeah…..I had to ‘assist ” my cat with some severe constipation issues once. When it was over we were both panting slightly, and avoided eye contact.

  13. This post is EXACTLY what I needed after helping my dog across the rainbow bridge yesterday! In between my tears, I’m laughing while remembering all of the crazy shenanigans we went through with our dogs. Thank you for this very timely post.

  15. Where to begin. At least I hope you weren’t drinking. My sister will never let me shave my dog when I’m drinking because SHE shaved her dog while drinking, and it was a disaster. And I’m like, that was YOU and this is ME! She still won’t let me. I’m sure my dog paid her off.

  16. As I’m in bed trying to ignore my arthritis pain this is the story I didn’t know I needed. Thanks for taking my mind off the pain and giving me a reason to laugh.

  18. I’m glad unexpected-new-dog is a shorthair. Poor Dorothy Barkrand her ladygarden!

  20. Stories of your everyday life is literally the reason I wake up in the morning!! Hahahahahaha

  23. Only a tried & true dog lover would sacrifice her dignity a talk dog vagina with a Target employee.
    That takes some major cojones, girl. And then to do the deed, complete with the pursuit of wiping?
    It’s like a canine Omaha Beach. And BTW- how come the wife person is the vet person? I asked
    My husband one time to take one of our dogs to the vet. He came home with 3 medications, had no idea of the dosages, wasn’t sure exactly what our Malcolm had & couldn’t remember what it cost. He completely redeemed himself by
    doing the required medicated baths 3 times per week. Dogs. And husbands. What would we do without them?

  24. My friend came home to find her cocker spaniel backed up to the chain link fence, being uhhhh…”dated” by a mutt from the neighborhood. This was back in the day when spay/neuter was for rich people. Her friendly neighborhood vet suggested a douche for the dog. Apparently it worked; no puppies.

  25. Jenny, you are a magnificent woman, and I’m am so very glad you share yourself with the world.
    Also, I think the laughter may have affected my hernia. Just a head’s up that I may send you a doctor bill… 😉

  26. Im dying here! but seriously, all things considered i think $300 vet bill is not as baf as i would have thought. i hope she gets better and you can return to willful ignorance of the state of your dog’s lady garden.

  28. How can one person have so many excellent adventures in one life? Although this isn’t as much of an excellent one as it is a funny one… hahaha

  29. I’m in a brewery, laughing like a freak. I had to read this out loud to a room full of beer drinkers. They’ll tell their friends about this.

  37. I needed this laugh!

    I’ve also chased a dog around the house with baby wipes for her hoo-ha. It’s an adventure.

  38. I have had to do that for my cat … the struggle is real.

    But that last part? Oh my, I haven’t laugh-snorted that much since I read your first book!

  40. My dog, Juno, has recurring itching, and our vet told me to clean her with Huggies baby wipes. The first few times she was like wtf? And ran away from me. With treats, I finally got her to let me wipe her. Now, she comes running when I open the wipes. 🤣

  42. Jenny, My husband pretty much hates you because I tend to read your posts at night while he is trying to go to sleep and for some reason he can’t do that while I am laughing out loud. Also there was that time on vacation and I was reading Furiously Happy in the middle of the night because I couldn’t put it down, and again: he couldn’t sleep. He CLAIMED all the snorting and convulsing with laughter was keeping him up. Then I was also laughing at him because a laugh would burst out and he’d be like, all groggy, “What?” and I’d be like, “Nothing, honey, it’s just the book,” and eventually he got mad. Which I wasn’t terribly sympathetic with because really, it’s not light he had to go to work in the morning, right? Right?

  47. I have a coughy cold which means I can’t take deep breaths, but I am laughing so hard at this, I can’t breathe, and I’m choking and it really gets and I’m not even sorry. Thank you so much for this 😂

  49. Ah yes, trimming the doggy hooha. Something I get to do once every four to six weeks since I’m allergic to dogs with fur and had to get one with hair instead. And how do I know when it’s time to trim? When little poop nuggets get caught in said hair and I get to clean them out. Lucky me..

  50. I love that your life is as crazy as mine is! I really needed a good laugh today and this came at the perfect time! I do hope Dorothy Barker gets better soon though! Reading this story reminded me of the insane cat stories I had from my rescue cat, at one point it somehow managed to get poop on the ceiling in my bathroom?!

  51. Dorothy asked me to tell you that while she is grateful for her newly-ventilated vulva and believes her no-hair-downstairs is bitchin’, there is no circumstance under which she will accept a Brazilian. To clarify, she objects to leg-hair removal. She likes and admires the Brazilian people and hopes to go to Carnaval 2019.

  52. oh gosh, I have 5 cracked ribs and that paragraph about Target about did me in! so freaking funny.

  53. Peanut butter. Not for her hoo ha, at least not directly cause that stuff is already borked. Have Victor feed her peanut butter while you wipe the lady garden.

    Good luck!

  55. OMG thank you I needed that laugh today! I hope Dorothy Barker feels better soon

  61. I’m not even sure of the exact location of my dog’s vagina, and that makes me feel kinda stupid.

  62. “Her cooter’s all borked up” is a phrase I shall file away for future use. Was reading this post in Southern California as we experienced yet another small earthquake & I was laughing so hard I really didn’t care if the roof caved in on me at that point.

  63. Oh, fuck, the laugh tears. They hurt. Not as much as a shaved vagina, probably. Though I’ve done that. No, that would be vulva. Cuz who would have inside a vagina? Oh, stop.

  65. There is no way on earth I could ever explain this story to another person. No. Way.

  66. Years ago, my dog had the same problem and I had to use those wipes on her. She gave me the weirdest looks when I used them.
    E

  68. omg you have once again surpassed yourself. Thanks, I so needed this after taking my cat to the ER last night and then to his own vet today. He had a total puke fest yesterday and now will not eat or drink. He has been given fluids twice and and anti-emetics and an appetite stimulant. Also, they have no idea what’s wrong with him. But at least I don’t have to wipe him or shave his special boy parts. Or what’s left of them.

  69. Tears! I was laughing so hard. 🙂

    Also my dog Bonnie Bkue is currently having ‘ass issues’ as I like to say.
    I get looked at like I’ve violated her, when we are just trying to help her stay clean.
    I feel your pain…. adventure?

  70. God bless you and protect you from harm. If you weren’t here to make me laugh in these warped and horrible times, I think I’d lie down in front of a speeding Mack truck! xoxo

  71. Oh. My Gosh! This is the best thing I have seen all day. ((Hugs to you and poor Dorothy Barker))

  72. Oh my dear woman (I had “god” there, but I really mean you, which today is the same thing), you are comedic gold! The. Best. Blog. Ever.

  73. This post was the best part of a very long number of days for me. Thank you for reminding me that’s there is always something else that hasn’t yet happened in my life. It is an amazing gift!

  75. The only question I have is…why didn’t the vet suggest a shave? That seems like a reasonable thing to do.

  76. If I were to write a blog post about tonight, it would be titled, “the night I almost died eating oreos”, because I should have stopped eating cookies while reading your blog. Or stopped reading your post until the cookies were gone. Either way, I laughed so hard I nearly died. If that’s the way I go, I’m okay with that.

  77. Bless you and thank you for the tears streaming down my face – waking the kids, including the one sleeping over -belly laughs. I have needed that so badly. But I am VERY sorry Ms. Parker is having such a rough go of it. Best wishes for swift healing to her and to short-lived need for vulva wiping for you!

  79. I hope that Dorothy won’t be borken for very long and that she’ll let you wipe her properly. Remember always wipe from back to front. That’s probably her problem, she’s been doing it backwards and that’s what caused the infections. Poor girl. Poor you. Poor VICTOR ha ha ha!!!

  80. Omg I just died reading that I’m freakin crying. Poor dog she’s had a hard day. On a side note my kitten had his first earthquake 30 mins ago and he did so well. He just looked at me like “what the hell”

  82. I’ve been having a really rough month and this just made me laugh so hard for the first time in weeks.

    Thank you, and I love you!

  83. There aren’t enough heart emojis for this! You’re a great puppeh mom. 🙂

  85. “Her cooter’s all borked up” should really have its own ICD-10 code. Funniest thing EVER

  86. We had a similar experience trying to buy hypoallergenic baby wipes for our cat’s malfunctioning ass glands, except the salesperson didn’t even blink.

  87. So your dog possibly got an STD related infection while you were out of the country? I’m concerned.

  88. Have you considered shaving her backside into a “dog butt Jesus’ while you’re back there?
    Just to make it worth the struggle

  89. OMG “breeze on her downstairs apartment”! I must live my life in such a way as to have occasion to use this phrase often.

  90. Girl, I totally know your pain. We adopted an over weight husky that would constantly get UTIs. She was not happy with any of that nonsense around her lady garden. She always looked like she wanted to eat my face off when we had to use her medication.

  92. Dying. DYING!

    Thank you so much for the laughter!
    Hope her cootie unborks very quickly.

  93. Love your posts, but this one about shaving your dog’s pussy (sorry, couldn’t resist!) was the best!

  94. MOG (mother of God) I swear, Jenny, that I would literally take a life to have the way with words that you have! Downstairs Apartment! HA! Hey, wait, I accidentally ran over a squirrel on Monday–does that count as a sacrifice?

  97. This post almost killed me. I have the upper respiratory crud and can’t half breathe to start with. Laughing out loud then reading to my husband in between bouts of coughing. I need my inhaler now. That was THE BEST

  100. Been there done that! Our older border collie had that too. We had to use nisin wipes.

  101. For $300, that vet should have begun to unbork her cooter.
    If memory serves, Victor and Hailey brought Dottie home. Put them on lady garden duty.
    The “breeze on her downstairs apartment” will never not be funny.
    You are the universe’s gift to us!

  102. OMG! I’m laughed so hard reading your post. I’m so sorry to hear she is sick. Our cat may have a UTI as well- not fun.
    Hang in there and I hope she feels better soon.

  103. I have had to douche my dog so many times we’re both getting used to it. Apparently she has a very ‘prominent clitoris’ and the best way to deal with this ‘structural problem’ is regular douching. I’m guessing it works better than wipes? Btw I totally get the way both of you felt.

  104. Best line on the internet . . . “she seemed pretty happy to have a freshly shaven vagina and she ran around the house feeling the breeze on her downstairs apartment and showing it off to anyone who would look.”

    That needs to be the opening sentence of a short story!

    Wait. Maybe not.

  105. I laughed so hard just now. What we will do for our fur babies. Today I chased mine around my backyard (4 days post-gallbladder removal) as he played with the dead carcus on the chipmunk he hunted. His first of many I’m sure. He was not so thrilled with the bath I was forced to give him after he decided to roll around on his spoils of war.

  106. OMG OMG i feel your pain. Both my Cavaliers (who have lovely leg “feathers”) tend to develop dreadlocks on their butts , which then collect all sorts of detritus that is best not investigated too closely.
    i turns out that if you go to a groomer you can ask for a privacy” trim which includes the butthole and vulva. This costs money, so I thought I might attempt to do the trimming myself.
    TIP Do not do this alone without help. In fact, it’s a pretty bad idea to do at all with fraidy cat rescue dogs.
    At least if I leave them at the groomers to do it they won’t hate me personally. Just the groomers. And i live near a pretty big city, so we can rotate if necessary.
    You just made my day.

  108. OMG! I’m laughing so hard I’m not sure if I can type!! Thank you and thank poor Dotty and her hoo hoo!

  109. Oh. My. God. After the shithole, suckass day I just experienced, I SO needed that laugh you just gave me. My entire day was worth it for that giggle-fit you just gave me. But I’m still drinking the whiskey thougb. finally smiles today

  110. I am amazed my 16 week old is still asleep because she is sleeping on me and I am shaking from laughing so hard.

  111. What better story to read on election night. I’m already drinking… but this helped really take the edge off. There is hope for AMERICA after all! God Bless.

  115. All is dark and gloomy and full of water here (flooding but not my house specifically just all the areas around us), but you totally made my day. Also, we had been iffy about brushing our dog’s bits (a male malamute) until we discovered he had matted, and if you think brushing bits is bad wait until they’re hurty and matted bits and then see how well that goes. We were success without any bite marks, but we were out two full bags of treats and a container of hot dogs.

  116. oh my goodness this is awesome. We had a situation with our cat recently. his urinary tract apparently stopped growing at some point and was way too small and he couldn’t pee right anymore so he had to have two emergency surgeries and they ended up having to amputate his penis and reroute his urinary tract through a new hole-basically giving him the urinary system of a female cat. And since he’s fixed thay means that he’s now anatomically identical to a fixed girl cat. We’ve heard every possible joke.

  118. Has Victor thought of sound proofing his office? And that lady at the Target ow has an amazing happy hour story. You are the gift that keeps giving.

  119. I had a cat with a similar issue once. I had to give her antibiotics, wipe her lady bits several times a day, as well as slather on an ointment. She had to wear a cone of shame to stop her from irritating the area further, also so she wouldn’t lick off the ointment. I put pretty flower stickers all over her cone of shame to make her feel pretty. When we were still at the vet, she bit me hard enough that the vet thought I needed stitches (nahhh). Then at home I kept trying to give her the antibiotic pills but even if I could get it in her mouth she’d gag it out, plus all the biting. The vet switched me to liquid meds, which she just drooled out. We ended up doing a couple rounds of antibiotic injections instead (SO MANY VET TRIPS). Then I had all my furniture draped in towels and sheets to keep greasy cat crotch stains to a minimum. Adding insult to injury, I had to help her use the litter box because she just couldn’t manage it with the cone head. She either bonked around trying to get in/out, of she’d manage to face shovel huge amounts all over the floor. She passed away about 5 years ago and I miss that cat so hard!

  120. Okay, so I just got in shot for laughing so hard while reading this in bed that I made the entire bed shake and woke up my husband. Only you can do that to me Jenny. Thank you for being you and writing about it. Best wishes for Dorothy and her pisser and her woohoo.

  122. Oh help! I’m coming down with a cold and now I’m gasping and choking and now, in addition to nasal passages being already completely blocked, my throat is closing off. I want my tombstone to read, “there is a breeze in her downstairs apartment”. Bwahahaha haha!! Gasp, wheeze, ominous silence………

  123. Oh and (doh, I haven’t actually passed away – I just wand doo…) @LadyPamelaRose, it’s *definitely front to back! Think about what you dob’t want to wipe from a certain posterior location over a certain centrally important location and on into a certain even more sensitive location. Umm… if you take mbby mbbeaning.

  124. I have to shave my cat monthly in the summer, because my life is glamorous and he loves to eat hair. He does not like when I get near his gentleman garden one bit.

    I keep the smallest guard on and go slow. Lots of treats. Let her take breaks if you need to, one swipe at a time haha. It took me a week the first time I shaved him!

  126. …. I don’t even know what to comment on with this. Goodness! I’ve had to, er, help my dog finish pooping when he ate hair and the hair wasn’t coming all the way out, but that definitely wasn’t as funny as reading this. I have all these mental images now, of you chasing after Dottie to wipe her, the confusion on her little face, and I’m curious what her tail looks like now!

  127. If it’s any consolation I spent over $600.00 years ago on my dog. She had consistent UTI’s and vaginitis. I bought my dog a vulva tuck. Yup. You read that right. It did decrease the infections. Although I’ve never bought plastic surgery for myself. Lol. Good luck and much love!💜

  128. If you think the anti-dingleberry shave is tough, try having to clean your male horses “sheath”. This is horse people code for the ultimate embarrassing pet procedure which includes the other code phase, “make sure you get the bean”. Horse people will get this. The rest of you can Google it. Trust me, do not YouTube this one and for sure not in mixed company.

  130. I will now be late for work and will have to explain that a story about my Twitter friend’s (that’s what I call you) dog’s vagina was too good not to read. Thank you 😂😂

  131. Taking her to the dog groomer for a hygiene tidy up would have been way easier, and less harmful to both of you. Although we wouldn’t have got to share in your delightfully placed gifs in your story.

  133. I would much rather shave my cat’s vulva than express my dog’s anal glands. (Yes, that is totally a thing.)
    Jenny, you make life worth laughing at. Repeatedly.

  134. Dear sweet baby Jesus and his eight tiny reindeer. The future ex wife insisted that the first son not be circumcised. He ended up with a standard infection of the prepuce (It’s natural!) Because it’s a boy thing, I ended up having to irrugate the penis every 2 hours. He did not enjoy that. She was suffering other …stuff, which required suppositories every 4 hours. She was working 3d shift. This did not work out welll.

  135. I’m sitting here laughing so hard my eyeballs are turning inside out and my dog is looking at me with great concern. I daren’t tell her why!

  136. Oh goodness, I just choked on a spoonful of muesli reading your post. Painful but worth it!
    I hope Ms Barker’s lady garden is unborked soon, for all your sakes 🙂

  138. The vet tech could have shaved Dorothy Barker in 30 seconds… But, then, that wouldn’t have been as amusing!

  139. I legit cannot stop laughing now. I fear this will be me and my long haired cat one day. Probably one day soon. Long haired cats ha e an issue with pop getting all stuck in their butt fur. I never thought to shave around her asshole…
    🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

  140. It’s only 5:40 am as I write this and I’m laughing so hard I woke up my husband.

  141. Before the invention of the Web, this sort of story was restricted to strange self-published magazines and certain types of therapy session. But now… thank-you Sir Tim Berners Lee. Jenny, you should definitely send him a copy of this story so he can see what he’s done.

    Also, with the changing of the seasons and the prospect of frost in the next few weeks, perhaps you should research insulation for Dorothy’s undercarriage – yes, we’re talking dog merkins.

  153. OMG!# This was SO what I needed to read on this, the first of the new school year, when I have to sit through 3 days of professional development in the middle of another heat wave…just need to clean the cereal and milk off the screen now….

  156. I just woke up from a dream that my dead dogs weren’t really dead, then I realized they were dead, after all. Then I dreamed my grandma (who has been dead for 20 years)came to see me, but she was covered with giant cockroaches. So I went from sad to happy to devastated to happy to horrified. I was considering calling in sick and having a breakdown, but this blogpost was the first thing I read and now I’m better.
    Also, does Dottie have a downstairs apartment? I ask because her rear is more or less the same level as her head. I would think maybe a MIL addition or a summer room. My 1st thought was a duplex, but that just sounded weird.

  157. That’s the funniest thing I’ve ever read! I hope that both of you have recovered….

  160. We need an emoji for Lady Garden. Thanks, Jenny and get well soon, Dorothy Barker. – for your own sake-LOL!

  162. Weird…I also growl if someone tries to invade my lady garden without permission. Good luck with all future treatments

  163. OMG bless your heart, I’m so sorry your pup is not well and that you’re having to go through this, but OH. MY. GOD. I am laughing so hard. Thank you, I needed that this morning! Love you and love your blog!

  164. Every woman knows the joy of airing out her downstairs apartment. Thanks for the visual. I think.

  165. I’m sorry to hear about Dorothy’s borked up vagina, but this story just made me laugh so hard that it spawned a coughing attack. 🤣🤣🤣

  166. Hilarious. You really GET so ownership and the seemingly dumb stuff we do to try to make it right for them. But you’re one of the few who can relate the tale so perfectly. Please keep it up : )

  167. Next time, love, take her to a groomer and let them do it so you don’t wreck her bangs. I mean tail

  170. I read an article recently that said dogs aren’t even aware, consciously, like, really aware, that their back end and tail are there, even though they end up licking it all on a regular basis. Skeptical, but that makes Dorothy Barker’s WTF factor X 10,000,000,000 if it’s true!

  171. I would think that Haley or Victor would have helped you shaving the poor thing – but then I think – that sounds like some sick porno film for someone with really weird fetishes. No wonder that lady acted strange at Target – Do you suppose she was wondering if she could get a video of it? maybe that face was a “how do I ask this?” face.

  172. You had me at “her cooter’s all borked up”
    I just read this post to my husband, and nearly had to pick him up off the floor when I got to “her downstairs apartment”

    You funny, girl!

  173. I’ve had to help our cat (male, very fuzzy and intellectually competitive with cheesecake!) with bladder stones…… He gives me a look that I can only describe as “bad touching! BAD TOUCHING! oh thank goodness, gotta go, need to pee!”. Thank goodness we live home to pieces 🙂

  175. I have 5 cats, 2 dogs, a ferret and 5 foster kittens. This post gives me life because it IS my life. Thank you, thank you.

  176. I don’t think I have laughed this hard since the original Beyonce the chicken post. Thank you.

  179. Ahhh! The freedom for Dorothy Barker to have a shaved hoo haw and getting spa treatment on it with some cool medicinal wipes. Good job, Jenny!

  180. So, welcome to MY world…I do animal care, and a lot of it is like this.
    My best suggestion is to treat Dorothy Barker to a peanut butter facial before you get to the other end, and she will likely be a lot less interested in what you are doing. Just a little, not only around her nose and mouth, but just out of her reach. Until the antibiotics take effect, remember how uncomfortable it all must be- and also know that any dog under 20 pounds morphs into some hellcat from the Underworld when you’re doing something so necessary that you’re only doing it out of love. The vet should have shaved her for you. Just be careful to disinfect the clipper…peanut butter comes out with No More Tears…geez, what a great name. That stuff really should do more. But…peanut butter, or ONE drop of fish oil…and hopefully it all disappears when the antibiotics do their work.

  181. Jasper the Giant Puppy ate a large amount of a skein of Merino wool yarn a couple months ago. The next day, he pooped a four-foot necklace of fuzzy Merino poop beads strung on a strand of yarn. As this “artistry” was being created, he kept looking back at himself in awe and wonder. Finally, the last of it exited the production line, as it were, and he decided to just throw up the leftover art supplies. He needed to walk around the yard examining his art from all angles. I swear to all that is Holy, he was proud. I had to go in and get a trash bag because regular poop bags are not engineered for four feet of poop necklace. We had a nice Vet bill, too. Seems JtGP scratched his throat chomping and gulping down/bringing up all that yarn, and needed meds.

  184. Love this. I do dog rescue and the things we have to do sometimes is crazy. But you do it for the love of the dog. Hope Dorothy Barker is feeling better soon.

  185. I wish I couldn’t relate to this so hard, but I do. A few years ago I had to help my cat through an anal gland problem. Who knew anuses (anusi?) had glands that could get clogged and need to be expressed occasionally? Gross…

  191. OH SHIT my whole name just autofilled and now Kevin will know what I’m doing with his beard trimmer. Bugger.

  192. I am not even a little bit sorry that this might get me flagged at work. Fingers crossed for swift healing for Dorothy Barker’s bits and for the emotional trauma this will probably leave you both with! <3

  193. I laughed at this because I can relate.

    When our German Shepherd was about 6 months old, she went into heat right before we were going on vacation for a week. She kept licking her coochie because she was bleeding (I guess dogs menstruate, IDK) and I was constantly wiping off her hoo-ha to keep the blood off my carpet, furniture, etc. That was the longest week of my life.

    Finally, we were able to take her to the vet and say, “Btw, she’s in heat and needs spayed,” while we went off to Wyoming.

  195. I’m so glad my dog isn’t the only one with vagina issues. Took mine to the vet to be told by super old male vet that she has “an undeveloped hootenanny” (exact quote) and that I need to wait to get her fixed until she goes through heat or else I will eventually have to get her a vagina-plasty…..

  196. Sorry to get in on this so late. Many years ago my son’s Siamese cat, Jasmin, ingested some Christmas tinsel. The following day she had strands of (mostly) silver holiday tinsel hanging out her butt. It reminded me of the decorative little ribbons on the handlebars of children’s tricycles (only not so pretty). Cautious removal of aforementioned tinsel resulted in much clenching of sphincter muscles and characteristic Siamese howling. Since that episode tinsel has been forever banned from our holidays.

  197. aww your poor doggy! and your poor-er wallet! …. sorry I have to admit I was cracking up though – thank for the smiles 🙂

  199. OMG! I am laughing so hard at work that people are coming by my office to make sure I’m alright. Poor Dorothy. Poor Jenny! Victor’s fine! And your poor checkbook. Sigh – it’s always something!

  202. Okay. Why was Victor not helping you hold her and keep her calm? I mean, this is funny and all, what with you running around yelling at her about how you need to swab her lady bits but damn… Victor. Step. Up. Hold the damn dog burrito!

    When we have to trim our dog’s nails she acts like we are chopping her feet off with rusty scissors. But we are not. After 12 years it is still trauma for days. But. We team up.

    Good luck with this whole infection thing.

  203. omg. I cannot tell you how much I just laughed. your wording. the dog faces. thank Dog no one walked by my office just now. how would I explain why this is so funny? thanks for the happy stomach ache.

  206. That story belongs in the Jenny Lawson Hall of Fame. Snort laughing. Thanks – you are the best.

  208. Reading this on my lunch break at work, struggling to keep my giggles under control, laughing until I’m crying, everyone looking at me like I’m both an alien making noises no one has ever heard before and also that I’m some kind of monster and no one understands why I was hired. Oh well!

  210. Now that I’m back at my pc, I can comment – because my phone is a jerk. I really need to stop reading your stuff at night. I woke up the house with my cackling. I can totally picture that entire scenario.

  212. Not quite the same as asking for clippers to shave your dog’s hoo-ha but close is going to the cash register at the grocery store with 10 jars of baby food and 2 six packs of beer and the clerk looking at you like you must be the worst (and oldest) mom in the world, causing you to blurt out, “It’s for my cat.” Then you realize that you should probably clarify you mean the baby food, not the beer and you end up giving a lengthy explanation about your cat having surgery to a person who is now looking at you like they wish you were just a bad mom and would stop talking. And now I can never go back to that store ever again because I’m known as the crazy alcoholic cat lady who feeds her cat baby food. I also once had to beg a pharmacist at Walgreens for a syringe to give meds to my cat. I feel like I end up saying “It’s for my cat” in a lot of weird situations and usually it doesn’t really make them any better lol.

  213. Hi I’m a longtime lurker but just wanted to say you bring so much happiness to the world. Thank you for giving as a reason to laugh when life is stresstastic. Ps wishing her a clean bill of health

  214. I just had a visit to the vet with my girl dog who ALSO had a urinary track infection. Mercifully, she did not need to be shaved… I did not even know that was a thing in dogs until she was running around the house whining and then would go out, try to pee and come back in after NOT peeing. Rinse, repeat for hours.

  215. I was laughing so hard my hubby asked what the heck was so funny. So, with tears in my eyes I tried to translate your vagina adventure in Dutch because my husband is smart but his English is not. I failed. I couldn’t get more than an bemused smirk but that was probably because of my hiccupping laugh, not b3causr of my stellar translation.

  217. I sooooo needed this today! Here’s hoping that airing out the girl parts will have Dorothy Barker feeling fresh as a daisy in no time at all.

  218. And I thought I had an unpleasant task cleaning & annointing my cocker spaniel’s ears.
    NOT anymore.

  219. BWWAAAHHHHLOOOLL our dog had to to get surgery (Episioplasty) on her vulva to trim back the extra skin that caused that. LOL nobody at work really understood wtf I was talking about. Poor little girl, it was a terrible surgery to heal from. She got over it though and never had anymore problems. Poor Dorothy Parker. :o(

  220. Sounds like the shears were successful! I was unhappy with my home hair cuts and I realized it was because I needed to thin the edges and layers. Rather than buy them as fancy expensive human ones that were forged in the Old Country, I went to the pet über-store and got a nice pair of 6″ blades for $20. And I was right- they were the missing ingredient.

    I’m so excited for you and your new skills. Your next trip back to Scotland, you can help shear the sheep. Say “Baa-baaaaaaaa”, Dottie! “Baaaaaaaa-aaaaa!”

  221. I cannot stop laughing right now. 😂😂😂

    Why hasn’t Victor learned yet to protect his conference calls in some way? 🤔 This isn’t going to change. 🤷🏻‍♀️😂

  222. Omg, poor puppy. And poor you for having to run after her with old man ear hair clippers. And poor Victor for having to get through his conference calls by explaining why his wife is chasing someone named Dorothy around the house trying to clip the hair off Dorothy’s hoo-hoo. Hope Dottie and her vag are feeling better soon!

  224. Wondering if Hayley reads the blog before she comes home from school. I know I would.

  226. OH my dog, this is the greatest thing I have ever read. It’s been the Summer of Hell (chronic pain, leading to emergency surgery, leading to diagnosis of endometriosis, clearing out my drug coverage so now I have no coverage for my crazy pills until next April…). Your dog’s borked lady bits fixed my borked jerkbrain, at least for today. 🙂

  227. Welcome to the club. My dog’s vulva is not “fully descended” and therefore needs to be cleaned by me in order to prevent infections. Fun times.

  229. This totally reminds me of the time my husband and I had to wrap a towel around a chicken’s head and use rubber gloves and Preparation H to try to repair her prolapsed cloaca. Which, in layman’s terms, is best explained by my young daughter’s description “Mabel’s butt looks like it fell inside out.” Needless to say, the repair didn’t take. When we called the vet to ask what to do next, the vet said, “you know it’s a chicken, right?” That was the end of that.

  230. This story makes me very happy just in general. It’s like this one time I said something about dicks in an Apple store and my husband just walked away. Fucking rude.

  232. This must be why my blog isn’t as successful as yours. My pets’ vulvas seem to be fine and aren’t giving me any good material to write about.

    (I just complained about not having to shave my pet’s vulva. I believe that takes me to Level 5 Kvetching. #MasterKvetcher)

  235. Victor should stop expecting to be professional on conference calls. Or get his own separate office space.

  236. Adventures in dog vulvas. And seriously Victor, that dog and her vagina is helping to pay the rent so have some respect. As a matter of fact you should probably mention that in your next conference call. “That dog’s hooter is keeping me in fajitas and venti lattes, brb”

  240. OMG, I just found out about this, too! I’ve had girl dogs all my life and heard this for the first time 2 weeks ago when I took my new puppy in for a UTI. Now I get emails at work that say, VULVAPLASTY COST ESTIMATE in the subject line, and I am considering never showing my face at the office again.

  241. oh this is funny and sad and hysterical all at the same time. Poor pup. Poor Jenny. I hope she’ll be okay, in spite of (or because of)…

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  244. sweet mercy woman. you don’t do anything by halves. poor puppy. I hope her hoohah feels better so Victor can work in piece. I can’t wait to read Hailey’s memoirs someday.

  245. Thank you so much for the laugh. It’s made me very thankful that my puppy’s most recent prescription is Oral.. Thank you for sharing the humor of your own situation. 🙂

  246. “My cooter’s all borked up” is now my go-to excuse when my husband wants to frickle-frackle and I’m not in the mood…

  248. I have laughed out loud all day because of this post. I love you and Dorothy and all your other shit. This is the most fabulous place in the world. Thank you.

  249. $300 at the vet may be the least of your worries when Dorothy decides she needs monthly esthetics appointment to maintain her Brazilian

  251. Dorothy Barker would like to know how you’d feel if she shared your most intimate lady part stories on her blog. Doug the Pug has his own pages and followers. There’s Francis from Cooking with Dog. Dorothy thinks it’s about time to shine….

  252.         Wait.

    Am I correct in inferring that you’ve never had a bikini wax either?
    That may be my favorite part of this post!
    #iamnottheonlyoneleft

    (Never. I don’t see the draw and it seems terrifying. ~ Jenny)

  253. Thank Gid I only had to treat my dog’s paw once. But if we ever need further medical treatment, I’ll check with you for advice!

  254. When we fostered/adopted our second Pug, Hazel, she had just been THROUGH IT; after being used as a puppy factory for Bowie only knows how long, on her last litter of puppies, her entire cooter straight up fell OUT. It was ghastly. Puggy mamas usually need a C-section because their pelvis is so small and the puglet’s cranium is so huge. The vets had done what they could to help put it back in, but it would take a little time for everything to settle, so for another week or so, she needed to be wiped off a couple times a day with baby wipes.

    Girl, I could not do it. Looking down at her… situation, I think I finally had some idea of why it is dudes always grab their junk and groan when they see another dude take one to the nuts. It made my cervix try to hide up in my throat. My poor old Vulcan had to do it, because he is an Eagle Scout and has first aid badges and shit, and the stoic countenance of, well, a Vulcan.

    Our current Pug, Mr. Fred T. Lucas, had a constant problem with bladder/UTI infections because of bladder stones; much like Hank Hill, he too has a narrow urethra, and it tore him up when they passed. So, our vet did a urinary bypass and gave him a new peehole where his balls used to be, and when strange dogs meet him, they can’t figure out if he’s a boy or a girl or what. He is King Gruntulor of the planet Gruntulon, and I love him, but when he tried to bite me last week like Dot tried with you, I fell all to pieces and cried about how much he hated me until I passed out in a puddle of snot. We cool again, so it’s all good.

    Cheers, thanks a lot,

    Storm the Klingon

  255. You guys when the pets who own us swallow string or tinsel and it’s hanging out their butts- DO NOT PULL IT OUT. It could be caught in a fold of their intestine which could rapidly get painful, expensive and fatal to pet. This is a call to the vet-thing.

  256. As a vet tech, I’d just like to say that most vet offices will do the lady garden shaving for you… We call it a “potty patch”… Fairly inexpensively (my clinic charges $8), we do them all the time, boy/girl cat/dog. Helps with dingleberries too!

  258. Oh Jenny, I’m thankful I’m alone right now. My uncontrollable laughing would have caused raised eyebrows and then I would have tried to read this out loud and it wouldn’t have worked!!!

    My boy cat was…uh…leaking fluid from his behind and so I took him to the vet thinking his anal glands needed expressed. Nope, his anal glands were fine, and the vet didn’t get anything out of them. Vet said you aren’t going to want to hear this but…your cat is too fat to clean his own butthole. So I, basically, paid my vet to tell me my cat is too fat (to clean his own butthole). The downside is I now chase him around the house with a wet wipe to clean it for him. The upside is no more fluid leaking from his behind. The other upside is he hated the vet expressing and then cleaning his butthole and he hates me cleaning his butthole, so instead of cleaning his butthole three times a week we are down to about once a month now. Shockingly enough he CAN clean his own butthole…he was just too lazy to do it himself! (BTW Spell check doesn’t like my spelling of butthole…I’m pretty sure spell check is wrong!)

  261. The wonderful world of pet ownership. I have two male labs, one of which has a ton of food allergies. So between numerous (female) vets getting up close and personal with his rear end and various ‘clean ups’ I’ve had to do, not sure any of us have made it through without awkwardness. I second the PB distraction or second set of hands, otherwise it’s a bigger mess in many cases.

  262. This reminds me of a male chihuahua I had years ago who had a problem that male humans tended to envy due to lack of understanding the problem(?) His penis was way out of proportion with his body. Like, it was collie sized. And because of that, it wouldn’t stay in the shaft. So it would dry out and try to get infected. So we (I use the term “we” loosely) had to apply medicated gel on it multiple times each day and, well, shove it back in the shaft as best we could. Yeah Jenny, I get it.

  263. Awesome.

    Thanks to the @Popehat recommend, you now have a new reader from a worthless demographic. Apologies in advance for the hit to your ad rates.

  264. OMG, I really needed this laugh. I just got back from being away from home, for 18 days, and it was ANTPOCALYPSE in my kitchen. But, at least I didn’t need to shave my dog’s cooter. Thank you.

  265. Our golden has issues with her girly bits. Turned out that our old vet didn’t notice she also displayed a bunch of signs of having thyroid issues, but our new vet saw it right away. Her infection was very bad, like worse than what you’re dealing with. That lead to her being shaved down there, plus medication that had to be applied three times a day, plus a shampoo that had to be applied and then rinsed off and THEN blown dry twice a day AND then medical wipes. … No one else in the house wants to do it, so I’ve been doing this for over a year now. I say ‘assume the position’, she flops over on her side, and then we do whatever it is that needs to be done while both of us don’t look at one another. Then she gets a treat (which might be why she lets me do it). Most of the time we on;y need to do the wipes or whatever twice a day unless she gets an infection again. And now that she’s on thyroid meds, she’s lost 30 pounds, her fur is softer, and she’s got tons of energy. The girly bits thing though, that’s permanent. Lucky us.

  266. Reminds me somewhat of the video “clip” Mrs. Brown gets a bikini wax” from the Irish/British show Mrs. Brown’s Boys. Past hilarious, as is poor Dottie’s dilemma. You deserve a pat on the head.

  267. This is exactly what I needed to read today. You really brightened up my day with laughter. Thanks!

  268. ‘For medical reasons, not recreation’. To even be in a situation that requires that clarification. My cat had a urine infection that resulted in him having to have a tube shoved up his winky. He was rathere wide-eyed after that experience. Thankfully his pet insurance footed the bill. Hope Dorothy Barker makes a quick recovery. Wishing the same for the Target sales assistant 😉

  271. @The Lockwood Echo – I once had a male cat who had to be catherized because of a urinary blockage. Poor fella. But imagine my look the next day when the vet tells me the cat removed the catheter – which involved a suture or two? – overnight. By himself. OWWWWWWWWW! I mean, as a kid after major surgery I had a catheter for a few days. But I don’t remember it being awful (given they put it in after I was under anesthesia, bless them) aside from the weirdness of never needing to pee. The removal was…uncomfortable. Uncomfortable enough I’m still convinced that cat was out of his fuzzy mind to go about doing that himself.

    I miss him.

    I hope your dog’s vagina is doing better, Jenny. That sort of irritation isn’t fun for any of us female types regardless of species.

  273. Hey, I’ve had to do that several times. What you need is a 40 blade and a set of dog clippers which you can order cheaper from several online sources. In fact, I always keep my girls’ asshole and vulva clipped. It’s cleaner, so bits of shit hanging on that you can’t see, and lots of air. Don’t you head for Vagisil like towelets when you get one of those infections after antibiotics and psych meds? Do your dogs (by the way, the proper name for a female dog is BITCH) the same favor.

  274. My dog would never have that vaginal thingy. She is constantly living her mons pubis. Yes, I just wanted to say mons pubis.

  275. My dog would never have that vaginal thingy. She is constantly licking her mons pubis. Yes, I just wanted to say mons pubis.

  276. My female cat needs a close hygienic shave every 3 months and a cleaning every day. I feel your pain.

  279. I had to chase more than one of my cats around to remove poo,that was attached to their butts by a hair they had swallowed. Worse yet is tinsel. If you are owned by a cat,TRUST ME WHEN I say DO NOT PUT TINSEL ON YOUR CHRISTMAS TREE!!!

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  281. Umm, as a vet- consider finding a new vet. if you think an animal has a UTI, you shouldn’t be getting a sample by sticking a needle in the bladder ( cystocentesis) because you will get blood contamination, so the fact they even mentioned it makes me go- WTF? And asking a client to do ANYTHING to their pet 4 times a day? yeah, right. Wiping her vulva 4 times daily is likely to cause the skin to get irritated even more and definitely make the dog go nuts. Good luck getting near her back end in future.Your vet is making things needlessly difficult- find someone more sensible

  283. I’ve had this tab open for two weeks, waiting for an opportunity to give it the attention I figured it deserves and BOY HOWDY I was not disappointed.

  284. I have come back to this post several times whenever I need a good laugh, it’s priceless!!!

  286. Lady..you are such a wonderful writer. Hilarious actually. There is an author named david sedaris i think you may enjoy because he writes like you. Thank you for the laugh

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