Things fall apart around me. Or because of me. One of those.

in Random Crap

Things that happened to me in the last 24 hours:

1. I bought a bag of bath bombs for the first time in my life because my shrink said I need to do “relaxing things more” and the directions said to just toss a few in the tub so I thought the plastic on the bombs would just dissolve but it didn’t because it’s plastic so I tried to peel the plastic off but my hands were too slippery because I was in the bath so I used my teeth to grab the plastic and then my teeth worked too well and the entire bath bomb dissolved all over my face and this is the opposite of relaxing.

2.  I went to get a refill on my fountain drink but after the first few seconds the diet coke started spraying out of the machine like a damn sprinkler and it went all over me and everyone around me so I ran back to my table to towel off and after I was finished with my drink I was eating the ice but something felt super  not like ice and that’s because the coke machine had pushed the filter into my glass like it was a newborn baby and I was drinking it.

3.  I realized that “cartwheels” are called that because your arms and legs look like the spokes of a cart wheel as it’s turning.

I don’t have a picture for that last one so instead here’s this:

 

90 thoughts on “Things fall apart around me. Or because of me. One of those.”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Yikes, I hope you didn’t damage your teeth on the machine filter, Jenny.
    At least your mouth and teeth will be relaxed from the bath bomb stuff in there 😳😱

  3. For a second I thought that was the anti slip thing off the bottom of a cane and figured it was going to be a really really interesting story. It’s still an interesting story by the way.

  6. Wait. I thought eating bath bombs made a person into a cannibal? I mean, good on you for trying a out a new career.

  7. At least the filter was large enough you can see it. One time at Quizno’s (RIP? I think) I found a chunk of plastic in my sandwich. Nom.

  9. Our family motto “we can’t have nice things”…i believe this is a subset of that emotion:)

  11. How can I be on hold with the optometrist after talking to them about my ocular migraines and huge mega-floaters (after a fall/head hit) and how something new is happening and then saw a comment left by someone named ocular nervosa? (I don’t usually notice names.) {Anxiety because they want me to come in now instead of tomorrow and my hair is wet and bangs are in rollers. And I hate anyone messing with my eyes.}

    BTW, bombs and filters are not relaxing.

  12. I’m sorry that Bad Stuff happened to you but I can’t deny that cats with their little legs sticking out everywhere is one of my favourite things.

  14. Hope tomorrow is better. My sister gave me some bath bombs. They had a swirly pyschedelic pattern – very pretty. When they dissolved In the bath there were little bits of dried flowers and oily stuff all of which made a hideous mess of the bath. By the time I’d cleaned it I was decidely not relaxed.

  15. I was too lazy to get a stepstool so I could reach something on the top shelf of the cupboard, so instead I stood on my tiptoe and tried to snag it with my fingertips. While I was scrabbling around trying to reach it, I dislodged a (thankfully plastic) jar of spaghetti sauce, which landed right on the bridge of my nose. Stupidest black eye ever.

  16. Hi Jenny, your having a “clusterfuck” day, when everything that can go wrong does. The thing is, we can survive those days especially since you have furry feline support on your side. Just so you know, and to make you feel better today I left the ladies room with my pantyhose tucked into my dress. I walked down the hall in front of what seemed like thousands of students until the receptionist noticed and ran towards me saying “Oh God!! Stop!!! You have to fix your dress!!”
    So your having a waaayyyy better day than I am. Chin up, march on!

  17. My boss at the restaurant where I worked always tried to fix the soda machine himself. And he always had parts left over. Maybe that explains the wandering filter.

  19. I had a crap weekend and I know it all can be very discouraging, but you make me smile and feel better. And the kitty is just pure delight.

  22. I’ve had way too many days like that. Is it because of my anxiety or is my anxiety because of days like that?

  23. I’ve actually had the fountain drink thing happen to me. But, lucky me, I was getting a refill to go, so I didn’t notice it until I was dumping the watered-down soda out when I was done and the filter was there and it was not as clean as it should have been.

  25. I had problems with Potato Salad because I thought the peel would squirt off the potatoes after they were boiled like one helpful person showed on the internet and I thought I could cut out all the peeling but that didn’t work at all so then I tried to peel them AFTER they were boiled and it turned out to be a mess. If you want me to make you feel better, here is the link to my Potato Salad nightmare: http://www.mrs-completely.com/funnywoman/potato-salad-headlocks-and-chloroform/
    *Seriously….this should make you feel like a champion. 😉

  26. I love it that Hunter will just sit like that. I swear he’s related to my Scratch Fury Destroyer of Worlds. Only Scratch wouldn’t tolerate me drawing or coloring without his help. He’d plop down on me no matter what and I’d be stuck with him. The only time he’d strike corpse pose would be if I actively wanted him to cuddle.

  28. We got rid of our bathtubs so we only have showers in our bathrooms now, and there’s no way to relax in the shower because if I try sitting down, the water hits me straight in the face and it feels like I’m being waterboarded, which is not quite as relaxing as being bombed in the face with bath products.

  29. That’s the type of day that’s laugh out loud and several eye rolls to yourself all at once. And the cat looks like it is waiting for a diaper change, legs to the ceiling, saying, “Don’t worry, I’ll wait”

  30. Ok I’m normally 100% team Jenny but thinking the plastic would disolve in the water, I’m like nope that ones on her this time. I’m not going to lie I laughed so hard I cried. However coke machine totally not your fault.

  31. I needed this laugh. It’s been a shitty cold ass day and I’m supposed to be working out but instead I’m going to go curl up in bed and watch “Making a Murderer”.

    Also..I apparently got a call from Liverpool, England today. I don’t know anyone in Liverpool.

  32. The first time I bought bath bombs I didn’t even realize they were wrapped in plastic, so I couldn’t figure out what was going on. I’m glad I didn’t have to use my teeth to get it open.

  35. Next time tell Victor to draw you a bath (NO! Make sure he understands this means putting water in the tub, not sketching you a picture) and hand him the ‘bath bombs’. Then have him tell you when it’s safe to enter the bathroom. Much more relaxing that way.

    Solution to the filter in your soda … how about asking the employee where they keep the boxed wine?

  36. Reminds me of the time when I was a kid and we were visiting our grandparents, and my little brother came out of the bathroom to say, “Grandpa, your toothpaste doesn’t taste very good,” with a mouthful of Brylcreem Blue (anyone remember Brylcreem?).
    Hang in there. Hot cocoa is a good relaxer, too, and if that chair reclines, recline it.

  39. At least you didn’t slide down the back of the tub and flip upside down because the bath bomb made it slick. I did that once. It was unpleasant, especially since I hate getting water up my nose😁

  40. Technically, you were in the bath when the bomb went off, so no false advertising there.

    Pouter S Tomcat is too funny. I’ve had “food thing explosions” often — usually when I’m going somewhere important and can’t change.

    It can only go up from here. 🙂

  42. Well at least he’s not kicking you. My dog would lay next to me when upset with me, and kick me with her back legs.

  43. OMG! Bath bomb in mouth…..yuck. But I needed a laugh right now so thanks, my dear.

  50. I think I’ve done something very similar to the bath bomb taste test but I’ve blocked it from my memory. Thanks for the reminder.

  51. I have had days and weeks just like this.
    I recently had a similar revelation about the origins of a word, but now that it’s come up I cannot for the life of me remember what it was.

  52. @Kelly I’ve only ever had 3 black eyes and ALL of them were self-inflicted. What can I say, I’m talented that way. The best one was when I actually walked into a door. I did not even know that was an actual thing you could do–just thought it was code for “my husband beats me”. But it turns out that true talent finds a way… lol

  53. Sorry about the bath bombs. Things are burning up around me, literally. 7 family members lost their homes & (in all but 1 case) their jobs due to the Paradise, CA fire. So they and 5 dogs have all moved in with us. No word yet on when FEMA’s getting here; I guess the “Pres.” finally signed off approving it. (Betcha you can guess who I’d like to send a bath “bomb” to now…)

  55. Bath bombs not all up in my face sound lovely but I can’t take baths alone right now. I had a big seizure on Halloween, first ever, scared the ever-loving fuck out of my parents who I was visiting and once I was awake again me as well. Am still mad I don’t remember the (I am reliably informed) cute EMT from the ambulance ride. Or the ride itself. I mean, for what I’m gonna pay for it, I’d like to remember it! Note: two days in a hospital, even a nice one, really screws up vacation. Not recommended, unless absolutely necessary.

  56. Treat yourself to bubbles! Bubble baths with candles are my go do when I need to relax. I like bath bombs, but as you experienced they are a pain to open. I have gotten a few from Lush, they were nice. Some were messy, some not.

  57. I’m so sorry you’re having an awkward day. Hopefully you’ll be out from under the general unluckiness very soon.
    There isn’t a bath bomb or bubble bath that doesn’t trigger a painful UTI so I avoid them. Now I do a non oily salt or sugar scrub in the shower followed by a cozy scented body cream and then putting on my bedside diffuser with a few drops of lavender oil. I’m considering getting one of those lotion warmers, though, because cold body lotion in frigid PA winters is not relaxing.
    Hoping you will find more ways to relax that won’t inadvertently stress you out!

  61. I can recommend the bath bombs by Lush as they smell very nice and the people that make and sell them are very nice and that’s the kind of place I like to spend my money because then I feel good. if that store were a pumpkin patch it would surely be visited by the Great Pumpkin as it’s very sincere. There won’t be any plastic. My hair stuff from them has a drawing of the guy that made it stuck to the side of the recyclable jar.
    PS Your home is exquisite. What delightful details you’ve given it.

  62. Hunter’s the zen master of cats. What a perfect snit. Not even the tip of his tail moves.

  63. Jenny,

      Have you tried putting bath bombs in the Coke machine? I'll better they'd be even better than Mentos.

    To officerripley: I am so sorry for what you and your family are enduring. I can’t think of anything else to say that won’t sound like a stupid platitude, but there it is.

    Ruth

  66. Looks like you reverse-invented the Tide pod challenge thing. No Tide snacks, please, though I am told by an airplane mechanic/tech that it is just the thing to clean off aircraft hydraulic fluid. Save that for future reference. I think he meant skin but maybe it was aircraft.

    Also rather amazed that the bath shot didn’t have Dorothy, Ferris and Mr. Pouty floating around with you.

  67. The cat is hilarious, but I’ll bet the cartwheel attempt would have been as well.

  68. Nothing with the word Bomb in it sounds relaxing in anyway. Not a good association, H bomb, bug bomb, atomic bomb, bomb shelter which would actually be kind of awesome as long as the cable never went out, but decidedly not relaxing. I have a pouty pup, so I get where that kitty is coming from.

  69. Girl, I can relate! Machines hate me. And streetlights go out when I drive under them. True story. Every machine I own or work with goes haywire and the IT guy/repairman always says “I’ve never seen one do THAT before.” Yep. I have a wonky aura apparently.

  71. Okay, you just blew my mind with the whole “cartwheel” – cart WHEEL revelation…so thank you for that.

  73. Try the bath bombs at Lush in one of their lavender varieties for plastic-free actual relaxation.
    I hope you got a new drink, and an extra cup of ice.
    Yup.
    😘

  74. It’s not you, it’s the second law of thermodynamics (everything is increasing towards entropy). It’s my go-to for just about everything that goes wrong, although I do like the family motto shared above and may start using it to keep things fresh.

  75. In the category of misery love company: We replaced all of the yucky 70s carpeting in our house with easy to clean seamless vinyl (we have lots of animals). My husband had just finished mopping the floor when he tried to shove a cat out of the way and did a total “Charlie Brown”, wiped out, cracked his head on the floor (vinyl over concrete), and gave himself a concussion. You aren’t the only spaz out there <3

  76. I love Hunter so much. I want him. I will come steal him. OK, I wouldn’t do that, but if you should ever need to re-home him . . . .

  77. How is he even comfortable sitting like that?! Btw, I love your IG posts of the vat not letting you type on the keyboard. Too funny!

  78. Nice to know I’m not the only one to experience the “bath bomb incident”. Ive been too embarrassed to tell anyone about it.

  79. Love the cat that is totally rubbing it in that he’s got the best seat in the house…poor pup.

  80. I have a half dozen bath bombs floating around, but we only have a handicapped shower so I’m not sure what exactly I’m supposed to do with them. I mean, are they eco friendly? Because we have a kiddie pool. But then my neighbors will make that face they make when they’re trying to be polite and also trying to figure wtf I’m doing exactly. Also it’s November, so they’re doubly likely to make the face, and I’m triply likely to freeze my ass off with actual ice and stuff.

  81. I legit had the Coke machine thing happen to me in a restaurant once. When I took the filter-thing up to the counter I thought they might offer to pick up my check or, I don’t know, APOLOGIZE, but the woman just said “oh yeah, that happens all the time.” 🧐

  83. “There’s a man in my bathtub!’
    “Grandma, it’s a horse!”
    There’s your Mr. Bubble for you.

  84. This isn’t quite the bath bomb thing, but once I was sniffing the body washes at the grocery store (because I’m classy like that, and I wanted to choose the best scent) and squirted soap up my nose. Genius move.

  86. and Lush delivers
    Though their shops are lovely(maybe too busy this close to Christmas), if you are not to sensitive to scent.

  88. That’s my life as well! I’ve had the nozzle of the coke machine in my cup too! And everytime I call customer service anywhere, there computers freeze up or start going really slow…I tell them it’s me, not tell computer! 🙂 It gets easier to laugh it off over the years! LOL

  90. I know this is an older post, but I was reading through it after re-reading “Furiously Happy” for the 5th time and I just wanted to stop by and say that even though I know you’ll always have days where you feel like a failure because you just did the basics, or because your biggest accomplishment was going to the bank, I want to remind you that sometimes just doing basic human things is a bigger accomplishment than becoming the Queen of England. There will be days when I’ve used all of my spoons just to take a shower and then my four-year-old niece will come over and go on and on about a story she is so excited about, and at the end of that story, even though I’ll have been half listening at best because my brain is so exhausted and all of my spoons went to hygiene, I’ll somehow manage to get the corners of my lips to curl up in what some call a smile (sometimes) and tell her I love her. You are an amazing woman and even if we see the cracks or the million unfinished projects we’re still going to love and support you because yes we’re readers, and yes we come for the laugh, but we also come for you. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Keep fighting. xo

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