Nice one, Squirrely Temple

in Random Crap

Over the last few weeks I’ve been feeling a little paranoid because a lot of the neighborhood squirrels have been wearing fake beards.

I considered tweeting about it but then didn’t because it makes me sound even crazier than normal but then my mom came to stay for the weekend and was like, “Does…does that squirrel have a moustache?” and I was very relived to be able to prove that I hadn’t been hallucinating all these squirrels going incognito.

(This video = me that time I tried to learn how to knit.)

Turns out that Squirrelly Temple (the squirrel that lives in our backyard) has been ripping fluff out of the lawn furniture.  I suspected that it was a terrible disguise from Owl Roker (the owl that lives in our front yard) or maybe she was just trying to vote multiple times but my mom said that she’s probably just using it to make a nest and that this is a sign of a cold winter to come.

Regardless, it’s nice to know that I am not insane and that my destroyed lawn furniture is making the neighborhood festive as Secret Santa Squirrels cavort around the town.

Ho ho ho, motherfucker.

Also, I just realized that Squirrelly Temple may have a penis so possibly the beard is simply an effort to get me to stop misgendering him but I don’t have a good male squirrel name yet.

Hang on.  “James Squirrel Jones,”  Nailed it.

 

104 thoughts on “Nice one, Squirrely Temple”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I wish we had squirrels in Australia. They are so cute. Mind you we have wombats, echidnas, and cuddly koalas which pee all over you.

  7. We had several outdoor cushions vandalized by squirrels, raccoons, etc. Now we bring them in during the off season, which might not be a guarantee that they’d be safe. But they have a better chance of survival! Cheers! Chumplet

  10. James Squirrel Jones is the PERFECT name. I love that punny names is your super power

  13. I came up with The Squirrel of Santawich, but he’s not playing cards, so it might not work.

    Right now, the only thing ruining my lawn furniture is my foster puppy.

  14.         Squirrel Ives.  That’s my contribution to the possible renaming.

    (Oh damn. That’s good. ~ Jenny)

  17. I demand somebody build a giant metal Squirrel with a beard saying “Ho Ho Ho Motherfucker” to go with the giant metal chicken!

  18. Oh my god I can’t stop laughing. This whole post is incredible. I’m at work reading it drinking tea and I almost spit out my tea from laughing, so thank you for that!

  20. They’re just getting ready for Christmas early, like they people who already have their decorations up…

  21. For the Walking Dead fans, out there, I suggest Squirrel Dixon.
    For the country music fans out there, Squirrel Haggard.

  23. we saw a squirrel and a hawk fighting on top of our wooden fence a few weeks back. the hawk finally gave up and flew away, but the squirrel kepr chattering and running up and down the fence for a few minutes afterwards. glad my dad was visiting and saw it too, thank goodness, because it is totally something that sounds like a hallucination.

  25. What creature pulls Secret Santa Squirrel’s sleigh? Eight flying…mice? Or maybe Rory might think it was fun…

  28. If you didn’t have video or pictures I wouldn’t have believed it! This is hilarious, Owl Roker too funny. BTW Squirrel Haggard that Anon suggested is a good male squirrel name, you should use it.

  29. short sweet & laughed my ass off. g-d i needed that. just got handed our new health insurance rates for work. i was on the brink of tears when i saw your post. i thank god for you.

    hohoho mother fucker. SO going to put that on a t-shirt & wear it all December.

  32. And to think of all the money I’ve wasted on my silk beard collection when I could’ve just pillaged the neighbor’s patio furniture at night. Even squirrels have better ideas than I do.

  35. Milton Squirrel. Someone already said it but I too thought of the Squirrel of Santawich.

    Some women have beards, though. So Minnie Squirrel. That Squirrel. The It Squirrel.

    If there are 3 you can name them Larry, Squirrel and Mo.

  36. Oh, I assumed the squirrels were wearing disguises so they could vote illegally.

  37. Next time I get a pet I want you to name it. Is this a service you provide? Because you are the world champion animal namer. 🏆

  43. Aww that’s so adorable, even if you will soon need new outdoor furniture, but squirrels.

  45. Saw your post on Facebook and spent way too long attempting to figure out what on earth you could be talking about before finally clicking the link. …. I was wrong. I assumed you put the beards on them. That’s a totally valid assumption though right?

  46. Oh, those rotten little fuckers will rip up any kind of cushion you leave outside and steal the stuffing to pad their cushy little dens. They don’t reimburse you for the damage, either, except for planting random acorns that turn into spindly little oak trees, like you need more of those.

  47. Male squirrels tend to have huge junk – you can’t really miss it. Them, that is. Furry spheres. The other part, not so noticeable.

  50. Actually, I think it IS a girl. Squirrel anatomy is really weird, their vaginas look like penises on their belly, and the boys have pretty large balls. We rescued a baby squirrel that we thought was a boy, but turned out to be a girl.

  52. Squirrels ate my garage. I was sitting in the yard minding my own business one summer afternoon when the rain gutter running the entire length of one side of the garage suddenly just fell off. The squirrels who hung out in the rafters of my garage (encouraged by a neighbor who insisted on putting out fresh peanuts for them all winter 😒) had chewed so much of the wooden wave that there was no longer anything to attach the rain gutter to. Around the same time we started having issues with our phone line (back when one had such things.) When we got tired of all our phone calls sounding like long distance to Saturn, we asked the phone company to come out and inspect the line. They diagnosed the problem as “squirrel chews.” Destructive wee beasties.

  54. Squirrel Chews could be a new rock group name or a poem. And now.I can’t remember the right names of any of those celebrities!

  56. The best name for a male squirrel is Charles Manson, which is what I would have called my squirrel nemesis except that she had squirrel boobies, so I called her Squeaky Fromme instead.

  58. Little squirrel monsters are all the electric wiring in my car, which we leave outside. Apparently they make the wires out a tasty glycerin based material that rodents adore. But they ruined my car. I found this stuff made of a special mix of urine…coyote, bobcat and somethething else equally smelly. You put it on cotton in a nylon stocking, remember those? Then tuck them around the engine. Seems to work cuz I haven’t had to spend another$500 to rewire my car. Maybe something similar could save what’s left of your cushions, but who wants to sit on coyote urine?

  60. And I thought I was the only person that noticed the wildlife in my yard. My kitty, Scout, has driven the squirrels to make condos in the big oak trees in the yard. They no longer even entertain the idea of running around in the attic anymore. Those effin’ squirrels would start hoarding acorns in the attic. Some days it, before she was around it, was like the squirrels were having a bowling match up there with the acorns.
    Then, there are chipmunks. They fear Scout. She used to have a pet entrance. No more. She brought a chipmunk into the house more than once. But, a laugh was one time she had one and placed it into a gift bag next to my office chair.
    I live in an in-town area. Dear come into my yard and eat off an old muscadine vine I cannot kill after years of trying. And they like the acorns.
    Hey, wildlife, have at it. 🙂

  61. When I was a teenager, my dad had the Beer Nuts account. Neighborhood squirrels inspired and pulled off a bold heist in which they chewed through the garage door to get to the mother lode.

  62. Don’t give in to the Adorable Jenny. They will invade your home. And THAT is not as fun as it sounds. I had one invade, admittedly chased by my cat, but it had OTHER OPTIONS.
    In any case, it was a huge DIVA about leaving. Lots of adorable growls that turned into screams when I tried to drag it out main force. I mean, it’s not like contributes the apartment upkeep. It needed to leave. Or at least provide some kind of proof of being a refugee.
    Frankly, since the neighbors feed the birds and there is a GIANT mulberry tree in backyard this squirrel was very round in the middle, it was hard to make a case for refugee. Even with the terrorizing cat. I mean OTHER options were available.
    Anyway, don’t give in. They sound adorable when the growl, but when they scream it’s like you are the bad guy for pulling their tail!
    It’s possible I have some bias against squirrels.

  63. Hmm. People with good moustaches or beards….
    -Squirrel (Samual) Pack Elliott – from Big Lebowsquirrelly
    -Colonel Squirellanders
    -Tom Squirelleck (Selleck?)

    Ack. I’m out of practice.

  67. OMG that’s so cute.

    We don’t have squirrels..however we do have some bunnies that like to be assholes and taunt the cats by sitting on the deck on the other side of the sliding glass door where they KNOW the cats can’t get to them. I think they do it just to watch the cats go bonkers.

  68. I like James Squirrel Jones.

    I actually sat here to think of something to contribute and came up with Duke of Squirrel. Then I started singing “Duke Duke Duke Duke of squirrel squirrel squirrel,” so I went through an entire process for a pun.

  69. You come up with much better names for critters. The best I’ve done for squirrels over the years was Stubby, for the fat squirrel that had no tail, and now we have Skinny, the one that has a ratty mangy tail.

  70. It’s MO-vember! Time to grow moustaches and beards. Most of the males usually participate in the morale boosting festities.

  71. Great names girl. My dog who likes to be mouthy- I call him Nipsy Russell in honor of you.

  72. Pingback: Let’s Pretend This Never Happened by Jenny Lawson | Book Club Mom

  74. I just had the thanksgiving squirrel massacre at my house. This ended in a good 20 minute chase around my house screaming DROP IT!!! Then I had to burn down my house cuz it was all germed up from the traveling carcass. Lysol and bleach can only do so much according to crazy. Bipolar holiday bonfire. OK, I didn’t burn down the house so much as cleaned it …again..I also did not rinse Number Seven’s (dog) mouth out with Lysol…but I really thought about it.

  82. Our male squirrel is Squirrellock Holmes. Your beautiful squirrel looks like a Santa Squirrel to me. Love your video. Love you and your followers. I feel like I have found my people!

  86. I was thinking Squirrel Flynn, but I was wrong. Squirrel Ives all the way

    (Does anyone else think the word ‘squirrel’ looks bizarre now?)

  91. Just laughed very hard . You always tell….write the best stories! And about how hard it is to be a blogger, I understand. But wonderful crazy woman, even your shitstories are wortwhile und what I call connectionreads! They usually make my little miserable existence a bit better.

  93. We had several outdoor cushions vandalized by squirrels, raccoons, etc. Now we bring them in during the off season, which might not be a guarantee that they’d be safe. But they have a better chance of survival! Cheers! Chumplet

  94. Squirrley Temple… I like it. Reminds me of the time that my stage manager friend decided to name the squirrel in the tree outside my apartment “Rasquirrelnikov” because we were doing a stage version of Crime and Punishment. The name stuck, and now I just call all of the squirrels in the area outside my apartment Rasquirrelnikov.

  96. Hello! This is random but I FOUND YOUR TWIN, JENNY! I work for a humane society here in Seattle And I was giving this sweet family a tour when it dawned on me-THIS LADY LOOKS LIKE JENNY LAWSON! I tried to copy the picture, but it didn’t work. So use the link below, its crazy! You are amazing!
    https://www.facebook.com/seattlehumane/photos/a.179536822001/10156914507932002/?type=3&eid=ARDbPU6ZlBEu9yI1bdQlaUYUP5PCb_GWW2E5oiKoa994amCksdZ2754SzoyM8T65ZacMoE9E8RXu4pQE&xts%5B0%5D=68.ARDrdJKz3ucyPOegRwHcQnRQwDUtSUJ0X86nYQc-_UjYJQ6jnroGRlx_SSwl35_n5ujS3MhoHwKvOd4DU-tOIlLdY1MdRLkDpDUmGDSN-gPo9l4pcnM_PhEgaJi6-JIXoirmBKYAXLhQ_A_vo_T8hCeiIqQeOXq_ps0FQJMSg-48OjMJsFRM2hjlyIqAmfjPQrvll6jtHUYcZ5CgYY_FzgtTpp9tr19qf0LZnIveGgWV-ZdSAE6Odd4BNmyL6qVay4mXYFeGmCQWsOYJjGtJ743lnjOFV_pNvIY6VRHHEM_iTXg3IuY–zsVZ7EpSXw3za-NHxV2GFjPipSZng&tn=EEHH-R

  100. This whole post and comment thread has me laughing so hard I can barely breathe, but (and I’m so sorry about this) I totally lost it when I read the comment that said “squirrels destroyed my garage” because all I could think of was that Geico commercial with the mom calling about the squirrels in the attic “he says it’s personal this time.” Still laughing.
    So sorry to Muddy River Muse because losing your garage wasn’t funny to you. Here’s Geico commercial
    https://youtu.be/Yb9J8re-9ZE

  101. Squirrels doing same thing to my cushions on deck- I keep an air horn by the window and when I blow it they levitate about thirty feet and disappear into the trees. A momentary delight in an ultimately lost war (cushions completely shredded)

  102. How did you get spammed by D&D Dildos Ltd while squirrelly furry fetish sites dropped the ball in these comments? “A fluffy squirrel dildo will take you to the heights of nuts in the attic. Our allergy aware lube will make you squirrel-t. Every huge & squeaky dildo comes with patio fluff. Flea shipping.”

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