I’m struggling.

in more than meets the eye

So many of you have reached out because you’ve noticed I’ve gone missing for a week on social media and that’s never happened before. I’m so sorry I worried you.

This week has been the hardest of my entire life.

I’ve struggled with what to say because I don’t know what to say.  I am an open book and I write everything, but this isn’t just my story and I want to respect that.  I’m afraid of doing harm by sharing it.  I’m afraid of doing harm by not sharing it.  I don’t know the answer yet.

Here’s what I do know.  Today I feel terrified but so much less helpless than I did at the beginning of the week.  There are good people who are doing important work to help.  I have more knowledge and insight than I had before.  I have guilt and fear.  I have hope.

Perhaps one day soon I’ll be able to share all of this with you.  Or maybe not.  But either way, please know that I welcome your prayers or white light or thoughts of love for my family.

There is one thing that you can do for me.

Reach out to those you love and tell them how important they are to you.  Tell them that if things seem bleak and hopeless that you are there to tell them how necessary they are.  Reach out to the shiny, happy ones too…and the strong ones…because so often they are the best at hiding the pain they feel until it is too late.  Hold your family tight.  Ask your children how they are.  Then ask them again how they really are.  Listen to the things said and to the things unsaid.

If you are struggling and think that your life is not important, please trust me when I say that you are so wrong.  You are so important and there are people waiting to meet you and find the magic in you.  Please reach out to get help.  Do not trust your lying brain.  And know that the darkness you feel can be conquered….sometimes over and over again…and that you are special and unique and your brokenness can lead to a kind of empathy that will save the world.  Don’t deprive us of that.  We need your magic.  We need you.

I love you.

636 thoughts on “I’m struggling.”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Are you trying to make me cry??? Because I am. Even though I never meet you, I love you too

  3. Sending you healing vibes by the truckload. Be kind to yourself, too, during this time.

  5. You’re often my happy moment and I appreciate the fuck out of you. Thank you for sharing (as painful as it may be) your struggles with depression. It has helped me to reach out to my daughter and recognize the darkness within myself. I’ve been listening to “The Hilarious World of Depression” podcast- it helps me realize I’m not alone and I’m not (entirely) crazy. May whatever brings you solace find and sooth you.

    Much love to you!

  6. Are you trying to make me cry??? Because I am. Even though I never meet you, I love you too. All of the tightest, strongest, tender hugs.

  7. Hey. I love you, and I’m thinking so many thoughts of love for you and your loved ones.

    And I promise times a million to reach out to my own.

  8. I’m so sorry for your pain. Share when you can as I’m sure there are many, many of us who have gone through or are going through a similar situation. ❤️❤️

  9. Oh Jenny I’m so sorry. Please remember you’re important too, and loved. I hope the situation is resolved in the best possible way for everyone involved. Thank you for being you.
    Jess

  11. Love to you and your family. Do whatever you need to/can do now. We’ll take care of each other until you’re back to help take care of us.

  12. Your books have brought so much joy to my mom (and me!) and she has had a hard life and I bought your books for her cause i just knew they’d make her happy, so i hope some of that joy rebounds from her (and me!) back to you as you deserve 🙂

  17. Sending you white light, peace and love! Surrounding you in a pink bubble of magic protection! ♥

  19. Jenny, my heart goes out to you and yours. You have a been a blessing in my life, and I hope and pray that everything is (and will be) okay.

  21. I sat here for a few minutes trying to figure out what to type, and then realized there were no words that I could say that would help, at all. I’ve got the prayers you asked for, and hope that things will end up better for you <3

  22. All the good vibes I can muster are attached to this post. I hope whomever is having a not good time begins to have a better time. I hope they understand how valuable they are to you and to themselves. I wish for all of you peace.

  23. Here are good vibes, love and hella good wishes for you so that those dark clouds that are looming, for whomever they looming for get blown out of your/their happy place! Love you Jenny, stay strong, chin up, solider on!!

  25. Even in your absence, I was sending my hugs across the miles. You are part of my life, whether you know it or not, and I love you.

  26. We are here for you when you’re ready to talk. And also – and maybe more importantly – when you’re totally not ready but just need to feel the love. You have an amazing support system of friends, family and even total strangers who love you and will do all we can to shore you up when you feel like you’re being swept away. LOVE to you and yours!

  28. I have never met you, but I love you Jenny. Prayers, light, and love for you, always.

  30. I don’t know what’s going on, but I know you are loved, Jenny, and your family, too. I’ve never been so proud of a child I’m not related to as I have been of all that your daughter has accomplished and become. You’ve given me more laughs and tears when I needed them and when I thought I didn’t than anyone else except my wife. I’m so glad you’re here to remind us there’s a way to keep moving forward when it seems impossible and to give this wonderful tribe a reason to be. <3

  31. I love you too, Jenny. You and your family are so important to so many. We’re here for you all.

  35. You’re loved Jenny. Hang in there. Big hugs to all of you. Dark times pass, warm memories remain, the future is wide open. If there’s anything we can do, other than what you already asked for, you know all you have to do is give a shout.

  38. Love to you and your loved ones. I’m so sorry for the pain you are going through, and I hope that you find peace in some quiet moments. ❤️

  41. I’m sorry you and your family are going through something obviously painful and serious. You and yours are on my thoughts,and I’m sending all the positive thoughts your way.

  42. (((hugs))) I hope this resolves in a way that is good, if possible. If not I hope you can find peace.

  43. I hope that whatever you are going through is resolved in the best possible way. I have been through similar situations. I send you and your family and all here, all the light in the world. And even more.

  48. Oh Jenny, I feel like I understand what is going on even if you aren’t saying it. Your words in closing are moving and I will share that with both of my teenage daughters and the 150 high school students I teach in a rural community in Nortwestern Pennsylvania.

    Remember there can be no shadow without light. Wishing you and yours a moment of light that piles onto another and another until you have climbed out of the darkness that I like to call Funky Town.

    God bless us, Everyone! xoxo

  49. Sending you good thoughts and loves! So sorry that you are having a hard time right now. Love you girl! Talk or don’t talk, we are all here for you and your family!

  53. Hang together and know that you are all loved. Don’t ever feel guilty for not taking care of everybody- sometimes it’s our turn. May God be in the professionals’ hands.

  54. I’m so sorry to hear things are so difficult. I love reading your blog (I was just telling my family the other day about your new writing partner!), and had been worried that you hadn’t posted recently. I do think of you often, and will be praying for you and your family. Take care.

  55. Jenny, at a time in my life when I was feeling desperate and alone,you made a post encouraging us to make friends which each other. I joined Bloggess Pals and through that I met women who have become dear friends even though we’ve never met and since then my world has felt so much less lonely. For that I will always love you and if I can ever do anything to return that favor and help you in any way I’m right here.

  57. YOU are a treasure. I am crying. My husband and I learned yesterday that the lifelong struggle we’ve had with our brilliant, chaotic, alcohol/drug addicted adult son is due to paranoid schizophrenia. I am a mess. But I will follow your lead. Thank you for sharing your imperfectness. <3

  59. If i could, i would pluck the stars from the sky and send them in a box for you to share with whomever in your life needs a guiding light. Air hugs and Snuffleupaguses.. Snuffleupagi?

  60. You are a wonder, and a marvel, and a glittering star of starry-ness.
    Huge love and hugs to you and both the non-furred and furred other people of your home

  63. Hugs to you and whoever else is suffering right now. Thank you for sharing, and respecting those that share this story. I hope things get better soon.

  64. Words alone are not enough to tell you how you have helped me through dark times. I see you. I hear you. I hold space for you and yours. You are a badass warrior queen. Being knocked down for a moment or thrown for a loop doesn’t mean you aren’t amazing and incredible and worthy of all good things. Take the time you need and do what you need to do in order to get through, knowing that you have an incredible community of people cheering you on, loving you, sending good vibes, prayers, and energy, and holding this safe space for you as long as you need it. I love you.

  65. Sending you and your family love wrapped in hugs. You are not alone and you will get through this. One doesn’t go through life without some crap happening to them and their loved ones. That’s what makes your loved ones so much more precious. Hang in there! We will all be here when you need us.

  66. My personal mantra is “Live to fight another day.” Because sometimes life is a battle and sometimes it’s beauty and sweetness and love. Keep fighting for those. It’s worth the effort even when you have to remind yourself that it is. Love to you and your family.

  67. Whatever has triggered this darkness, know that you have a ton of friends with lights shining to help you. Your books, blogs and posts have helped so many of us through our dark times, we are here for you now.

  68. The internet is a weird, wonderful, scary, horrible, magical place. It makes us feel connected to people you’ve never met, will never meet, will never even speak to. You are one such person to me. There are a handful of others who fall into the same blogosphere family of mine. I feel you are family, Jenny. I love that you share, the good and the bad. We share a lot of similarities, you and I, but how you handle things is truly special. I, too, tend to hide when things are going well. I understand, as do the many others who consider you family. I don’t know what all is going on with you obviously, but I cried (in support) and am hugging you, even though you won’t feel it. Your words (and crazy photos) have gotten me through bad times, I hope we in your Internet family can give back a little.

  69. You have been there for so many of us – let us be there for you and your loved ones now.
    We don’t need to know the details to know that you and yours are hurting and to metaphorically hold your hands. Or your creepy dolls, or your weird taxidermy. You know, whatever you think would help.

  71. Jenny,
    Been checking Twitter and Instagram for you CONSTANTLY over the past few days. Relieved to hear from you. Still VERY worried, but at least a little bit relieved after reading this post.
    Thoughts and prayers have been going out for you, Victor and Hailey since about early Tuesday morning. Intensifying efforts right now and including your parents, your sister’s family, all of the cats and Dorothy Barker as well. You don’t have to tell us anything else. Just know that you and your family are LOVED and being thought about by thousands of people who care.
    Susan

  75. We love you Jenny! It is so hard to be a light to people when you yourself are struggling. Peace. Jennifer

  77. Hang on to the hope. We are all here for you, sending prayers, good juju – whatever it takes.

  78. I’ve been so worried about you. Sending as much positive energy and love to you as I can. Take it a minute at a time, breathe, and be kind to yourself.

  79. I know you’re busy holding someone up right now. We’ll hold you up in the meantime. You don’t need us to give you permission to take whatever time you need to do what needs doing. But know that we will be silently cheering you and the people you love onward, through the darkness. Tunnels always emerge into light. Just keep on. We love you.

  80. Oh Jenny, I hope everything is all right. I thought of you so often last week while I was in San Antonio. Please remember how important you are to so many people. We are all praying for you in our own special way. Loves and hugs to all!

  81. I hope whoever is handing out boxes of darkness gets their foot run over. I hope that whoever received the box of darkness was old enough to sign.The person in your life who got handed a box of darkness will be ok, not the same, but ok and even thriving again one day, because they have you. Please make sure you, too, have someone or someones who will drag you through from day to day until… until you again willingly, happily walk, run, spring from day to day. Or feel funny and light again. Sending shelter and love.

  85. I’m sorry you and your family are going through “this”. Whatever “this” is. All the positive thoughts myself, my seven year old human kid and two fuzzy kids can send to your way.

  86. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times… When I was 26, just a week before my 27th birthday, I had a beautiful baby girl & my much loved Mom was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer & given 3 to 6 months to live. She made it 13 months.

  90. I love you, too, Jenny, and I will pray for you and your family. Thank you for reaching out.

  91. You don’t have to tell us anything, just know that we are here for you. I hope things get better and you are back to yourself soon xx

  93. As a mother of three teenagers, I have felt the fear and frustration and love I’m seeing in your post. Wishing all of you so much courage!

  94. Sending light and love to you and yours, and I hope things work their way through for you.

    Always remember the words of The Desiderata:
    You are a child of the universe,
    no less than the trees and the stars;
    you have a right to be here.

    You matter.
    xxx

  96. I was starting to get worried that you hadn’t been around for a while. I’m so sorry to hear you’re struggling. Life is so damn unfair and cruel sometimes, it’s a wonder any of us are ever able to get out of bed in the morning and face the day. My thoughts are with you and your family. You don’t need to tell anyone what’s going on unless you’re good and ready to do so. You don’t owe your personal stuff to anyone unless it helps you in the process. Please take care and stay safe.

  97. Prayers – Hugs – Light…all coming your way. Feel the love, accept the strength of all who support you.

  100. Thank you for the sharing you do and good for you for keeping to yourself the parts you aren’t ready to share. You are powerful and make a huge difference in so many lives. It WILL get better.

  101. Thank you so much for sharing. What you say here is so important! Sending you light, love, and healing.

  103. My goddaughter is going through a really bad time and all I can do is give her an IV push of love and support. And I find myself quoting you all the time. Especially the most important thing – depression lies! She is beautiful, she is talented, she has people who love her. But there’s a voice inside telling her she is not worthy. LIES!
    Isn’t it a kick in the pants that just when you think you can’t handle one more thing, another one comes along?

  105. Your journey through TMS gave me the kick in the pants to do it. My depression and anxiety aren’t better yet and I’m near the end of my protocol. I understand not wanting to talk, having painful spots in your soul where you don’t know whether to speak it out loud, or trudge through it in silence. Your allowed to hold things back. No one is perfect. Your tribe won’t judge you for needing to process in silence and protect yourself and your loved ones. Sending you strength and love. Your audiobooks brought me comfort and company when things were far too dark in my head. Surround yourself in the things that bring you solace and peace.

  110. Jenny: You sound flattened with grief and despair. I’m sorry. I’m laying on the floor with you face to face Let’s just breath. Just breath.

  113. Oh Jenny, my heart is hurting for you/your family without knowing who/how/why because as much as one can know anything, I know that something very bad has happened/is happening.

    Sending love. So much love.

  115. All the best to you, especially having been in that place, too. It isn’t easy, but there is a way out. You must keep looking and eventually you may find it. We all love you and some of us must learn to love ourselves as well. While practice makes a person better at hiding the pain, it is still better in the long run to expose it for what it is. We are here for you. All of us.

  118. Whatever it is Jenny, I am so sorry you are hurting. I wish there was something I could do, but you will have to accept my inadequate gift of good, strong and persevering thoughts and feelings that I will send your way. Last week was a bad one for me, but this week has been much better. So instead of hoarding that stockpile of good all for myself, I share it with you. We all love you too.

  122. You have been a light for so many people during their dark times. Please know that you have many lights out there singing just for you too.

  127. There are no words in times like these. I may not know you personally, but in reading your words I feel like you’re an old friend. We all need to be reminded to tell those we care about how much they mean to us, and we all have moments when we need to hear it. Sending you and your family all the warm thoughts, prayers, and positivity I can. Please don’t forget, you are strong enough to get through this, and we are all here for you!

  128. You are not alone. Thank you for sharing. It is so important to share the darkness and the light we hold within ourselves with others, for we never know whom we will help or who is ready to help us. You are held up by the prayers, love and all the positive thoughts we can send you. Please take care of yourself. <3

  129. I hope it all goes well. Peace to you and yours. And good health, happiness and love, and whatever else needs to come. Thanks for checking in, and reminding us to check on our own loved ones. Really checking. And now breathe…In…..Out…

  131. So many people need this message. It can never be said enough. Thank you!

    Annamarie

  132. Sending you love and light and prayers. You are loved. Your words have brought me so much comfort and joy and understanding—we’re with you out here, no matter what.

  133. So many people need this message. It can never be said enough. Thank you!

  135. Hi Jenny…I’m sorry things are rough right now. I hope that all these positive and loving comments help a little bit. Sending you some purrrs (from my cat) and positive vibes from me.

  136. I had the top of my cervix looped off last week. Yes, looped not lopped . It’s all very scientific. I found myself thinking of you and your thyroid scare. I thought, you know I might find this funny one day. It might make an enthralling blog post. For now it sucks and so does what you’re going through. You know I cry at every episode of This is Us and those aren’t even real people, imagine how my heart goes out to you when you when you need it. Furiously concerned ♥️ Janet aka @janet_in_a_drum

  138. Sending you love and light and prayers. You are loved. Your words have brought me so much comfort and joy and understanding—we’re with you out here, no matter what.

  139. I am so sorry to hear about your trials. Know that if I send even a tiny bit of the hope & love & help you send to others, it will be plenty. I send you bunches. Stay strong, sweet Jenny. The sun will return.

  140. I love you too, Jenny.
    I tell people to remember when their world looks like it’s all gray and they feel like they will never be any better and will always feel hopeless and worthless and when they can’t remember ever feeling any other way- that it WILL get better. They will see things in color again and there was a time they didn’t feel like this. There will be a time they don’t feel like this anymore.
    If I hadn’t gone through my own ugliness I wouldn’t be half the person I am now. It was worth it. It is worth it. It was a fucking huge price to pay but I would do it again:

  142. You are our strength when we are down. Let us help you be yours during this time for you. You are loved. You are needed. You are appreciated. This world would be a poorer place without you, your honesty, support, and humor. Sending much love, light, and positive energy for strength, comfort, and hope to you and your family.

  143. I can’t say anything better than what has been said above by other commenters. Just wanted to add that I care and I am here and I am glad that you are here.

  144. Being impacted by a story that isn’t yours to share is quite possibly the hardest thing anyone has to deal with. You have my heart.

  145. My daughter attempted suicide last year. Shes 15. It was the hardest and scariest thing I ever had to deal with. It changes my thinking. I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression my whole life. Shes such a bright cheerful girl, so ignored all the signs. Now we communicate differently. Its help her and it’s helped me. Now we TALK. I don’t let the day to day slip by anymore. I’m sending you love and light and hope this passes quickly. You are loved.

  147. I love you Jenny. I understand the darkness. You are not alone. And I’ll need you when I am in the dark alone. To remind me that we both matter. That is the truth. The rest is lies.
    Light, love and comfort to you.

  149. Love to you, Jenny and to your loved ones. Thank you so much for sharing, you matter and are so important. You are one of the people who bring smiles and joy to my life, and so many others. I hope you can fee the love and support from where you are.

  150. Sending love, strength and light to all of you. You are so often a bright spot in my day and have provided me with so much insight and help in understanding the struggles of those I love. I wish I had a less trite phrase than you are in my thoughts, but you all are.

  152. Please take care and love yourself and your family. You help so many-let us help you….prayers are going up all over the world for you, whatever you are going through. Thank you for sharing what you can. We love you.

  155. Thank you for loving us when we don’t feel worthy. <3
    Thank you for being our guiding light even when you’re feeling lost. <3
    (sometimes a black light makes us glow prettier in your reflected beam)
    Thank you for sharing so much of your life simply to help us through our own.<3
    I love you. <3

  156. You made me laugh at the oncologist’s. (Not because of this posting, that would be unsettling – I was reading Furiously Happy.). You were there for me when I needed you so you can have all my white light because what I have you gave to me and I am happy to recycle it back. To paraphrase JSC, there will be darkness always, look at the good things you’ve got…and hold them close… like stars, or candles, or beacons in the night. You make a difference.<3

  158. Whatever you are weathering I wish you strength and hope. I’ll be praying for you and those you care about.

  159. Jenny, I am sending love, light, prayer and hope–all the things you give to the world.

  164. I am sorry for what you and yours are going through. I hope we (your tribe) can somehow help. Sending love and hugs!

  166. So many members of this tribe are in pain, but I hope you can feel what we’re all sending — we’d all take some of your pain if we could. Because you’ve taken some of ours, through your humor and your humanity, your honesty and your perspective. Take care of yourself and don’t worry about us. We got this.

  168. HUGS I can’t imagine what’s going on or what you’re going through, but it’s obvious it’s traumatic and terrifying and upsetting, and it’s thrown your universe completely upside down. Know that we love you. We are here. You are not alone, even if it seems you are. Sending you and your family light and love, Jenny.

    Again, we love you. I love you. <3

  169. I’m so sorry, Jenny. Hoping it all gets better for you and your family soon. Sending love. RIP Mary Oliver.

  170. I want to link David Bowie’s Rock ‘N Roll Suicide, but don’t want it to get eaten by spam filters. So imma add what I feel is the most important part of the song, in his words in the hopes of someone understanding. (With minor editing – there’s no “make you care” in the world that could suffice, moreso it feels insulting to be told this, though I doubt this was his intention at all.)

    “No, love, you’re not alone. You’re watching yourself, but you’re too unfair. You’ve got your head all tangled up. No, love, you’re not alone – no matter what or who you’ve been. No matter when or where you’ve seen, all the knives seem to lacerate your brain – I’ve had my share, I’ll help you with the pain.

    You’re not alone.”

    You’re far from the only person stumbling around in the dark, unable to reach the light switch. But the switch is there, still. Just gotta find someone tall enough to flip the fucker on, is all. Proverbially, of course.

  172. I think it’ll be fairly obvious given all of the comments this post will get, but many of us love you more than we probably love our own family and this is why. You are human and you are insightful and you bear your soul to us every day. Please don’t ever struggle with what you feel you “can” or “should” say because there is no such thing. You have given all of us more than anyone should reasonably expect, and we all owe it to you to respect your privacy and to simply be here… To tell you we love you and that you’ve changed our lives in so many ways. You are loved beyond description and every person here is sending you our prayers AND our white light AND our thoughts of love for you and your family. You go take care of you and yours; we’ll be here when you’re ready. ❤️️❤️️❤️️

  173. Sometimes the hardest thing about the darkness is feeling alone. It’s hard to remember that there’s so many in that darkness sharing it with you. All you gotta do is hold out your hand and someone will grab it so you’ll not be alone anymore. Love…..

  174. If this is what you say when you don’t know what to say. . .you’ve already taken a big step forward.

  175. Thank you for being the voice in the darkness that says, “I’m here with you.” 💙

  177. Sending love, positive vibes, prayers, good juju, hugs, etc., across the miles to you & your family and all those you love ❤️

  180. My heart, which was already broken this week, is now breaking for you. So sorry to hear that you’re having the worst week of your life. Prayers for you & yours. Much love being sent.

  181. Jenny – do whatever makes you happy, feel better &/or comfortable. We understand as we all have times of darkenss and struggles. We want the best for you and your family so if it’s time you need, please take it…sending you love and light!

  183. Thank you for your words. You are loved, whether or not you post funny, quirky blogs or if you just need to ghost us for a while. A friend of mine committed suicide last week and to all outward appearances, she seemed to have it all. You never know who is affected by depression or living in that dark pit of despair. I lived there for years and it’s a lonely place but there is light somewhere in the tunnel. We sometimes just need a guide or several guides (plus medication) to help us find our way out. Look for the light! Love you, Jenny.

  184. Whatever is going on know that we respect you and your family’s privacy and hear your message. And send you love and light and all good things. <3

  186. Jenny – you are braver, stronger, more courageous and fabulous than you even know! You bring light and love and laughter into my life and to so many others… You got this girl and we’re here with you!!! xoxo

  187. You know as well as I, that tho the brain is lying, but the pain is real.
    I’m sorry. Sometimes the pain wins. Don’t let it beat you.

  188. Praying for you and your loved ones. You have been such a wonderful light in my life.

  189. Jenny – You have done so much already for so many of us worldwide. Please don’t feel like you “need” to do more, especially when you don’t have the energy. Do whatever you need to do, makes you happy, feel better &/or comfortable. We understand as we all have times of darkenss and struggles. Even with not sharing, you shared plenty and, amazingly, still found a way to inspire us to reach out to others and make sure they know we care. You need to know we care about you as well…
    We want the best for you and your family so if it’s time you need, please take it…we will be here supporting and loving you. Sending you love and light!

  190. Sending you and your family ALL THE HUGS and hoping you’re all well. Hang in there. You’re going to be okay.

  192. Adding my prayers and good wishes to the wave of love heading your way. May it lift you up and hold you afloat.

  194. I was just thinking that I hadn’t gotten that nice dose of sunlight and heart from you lately. I’m sorry you’ve been having a bad time, but do know that you are loved, and that you make a huge difference in so many lives. More than you can ever know. Sending all my best wishes to you today, and every day. ❤️

  195. Sending love, light, prayers, hugs, support to you and your entire two-legged and four-legged family. You mean the World to the WORLD! I love you and though we’ve never met, I like you, too.

  197. Sending love and gentle hugs (and my foster is sending warm puppy breath and kisses) to you and your family.

  199. Oceans of positive energy for all.
    You never need to explain anything to us, we are here for you regardless.
    I promise to tell to tell everyone that I love them today, in your honor.

  200. I and my better half have been in the place you are, Jenny. It’s so hard when what our children go through also tie into every trigger we have developed through a lifetime of our own challenges. I can promise you it gets better. Make sure you have every professional support you deserve and are entitled to (we went through about two years without it thanks to really bad professional support, but once we had the right support, everything became infinitely better). Your main job is to love each other, and just hang on to each other when you can’t do anything else. Let the professionals do their stuff, and you take care of the love and each other. Does this make sense? I’m hoping it does. All our love to you and your family. <3

  201. We are here for you now. We will be here when you return. We aren’t going anywhere.. We are in this together. You are loved.

  203. I hope your mom is ok. I remember she was ill at Christmas. I hope everyone is ok. Sending invisible energy and kittens, whichever will help the most.

  204. It sounds like you’re struggling with someone else’s darkness, and I respect that. You don’t have to entertain us when you don’t feel like it. We’ll still be here.

    We shouldn’t know details; it’s not our business unless you need an ear. Just say “I’m going radio silence for awhile, but I’m fine.” and we’ll understand.

    Does that make sense? I think it works for a lot of things online. We’ll give you space, and when you return, we’ll take our cues from you.

    You don’t owe us anything but what you want to give.

  205. Ok, can I just say: a box of darkness is a shitty gift. Here’s me sending you a virtual box of rainbows and unicorns and butterfly kittens and anything else that brings you bliss. (Probably some tastefully dressed taxidermized mice…but only the TASTEFULLY dressed ones.) Hugs and hang in there.

  208. Look for rainbows in the rain. Thinking of you and contacting others. Life is a random walk. Pull on some galoshes. You may not leave on the same path you entered. Sending you love and lightness.

  209. Many of us can relate to what you are saying. Your loved ones are not alone and neither are you. We hear and support you. Sending you love.

  212. If I could box up some love and mail it to you, I would! But it would probably also be “a box full of darkness,” because I’m depressed a lot too, just like so many of the people who have clung to your books, when we need just a speck of light to light our path. We are of course strangers, but through reading your books and blog, I can’t help feeling that “to know her is to love her,” so whatever’s going on Jenny, you are loved and we are on your team!

  214. Like everyone else who has benefitted from your books, your blog, your Instagram, I love you too. You have saved me more than once. I wish I could save you in return, but the best I can do is to send out prayers that your darkness will lighten soon. And many virtual hugs. ❤️❤️❤️

  215. Jenny, I am so sorry. My prayers are with you. Life can be so damn hard, and scary, and unfair,and it can knock you down over and over again. Just keep getting back up because there are some beautiful peaks in the midst of those valleys. Wishing you peace and love.

  217. I am hoping that tomorrow will be a better day for you. I continue to believe that the darkness comes before the light! Sometimes we all need to pull the cover over our heads. Take whatever meds help. You are stronger for this post and we all love you and share similar pain at times. Don’t let it win!

  218. Jenny, I don’t know what is happening but I do know that you and your family have brought so much joy and goodness to my life that my is hurting for you. Sending love and light, and hope. Be well.

  219. Pingback: I’m struggling. — The Bloggess | Ups and Downs of Family History V2.0

  220. I love you. Sending every good thing to you and your family always. On my way to tell my own. ❤️❤️

  221. Jenny, you have been a light in the darkness for so many, including me. There are thousands, maybe millions, of us around the world who are better people because of the things you have written, said, photographed, drawn, and shared. You have my prayers and anything else you might need. If there is anything tangible we can help with you need only ask, the Tribe helps each other. Grief is a load lessened when shared. We will help you carry your burden. Love you.

  223. Jenny, whatever you’re facing, you put that oxygen mask on and keep breathing. Know that you’re one of the bright spots that keep me (& so many others) going on the hard days. We love you.

  224. Whatever you’re dealing with, we’re all behind you and pulling for you and anyone else who needs it. Sending love and good vibes and all the spoons I can spare. <3 <3 <3

  225. Remember that it will not always be like it is right now. The light follows the darkness. Hang in there.

  227. Sending you so much love, Jenny. I’m struggling too right now, because my daughter is struggling, and it’s excruciating to see your child in emotional pain. I pray that things improve for you soon.

  229. Sending love and healing vibes to you and yours. Praying for all of you and holding you in the light.

  231. Sending you all the love and hugs <3 I hope you and your family find comfort and relief, I completely understand what your saying, I appreciate your comments and whole heartedly agree!! Don’t forget the strong ones! We love you Jenny! <3 <3

  232. Perspective. World isn’t perfect nor am I. But I did my weekly visit to my 11 year old Hospice girl with a brainstem tumor Tuesday for the first time I did Reiki (try it, it helps pain relief and brings calmness) she never awoke. The visiting Hospice nurse said she’s a trooper but also at the same time did a thumbs down. I’m so glad my daughter is healthy as yours is. I’m old and limp walking but I still have something to give. I am alive, have a home and trustworthy car, animals that love me, even my cat who went to kitty heaven the day after Christmas. Life is still pretty good. I’ll take that, it’s as good as it gets. I appreciate the third rain we’ll get today (I am in California) even though the weeds are growing and need to go so I won’t risk burning.

    Here’s hoping one day that you’ll see all the good things in your life. I’d like to have your sense of humor and am working on seeing as you do the humor in crap that happens. Think I need to invite my friends over for a game of crap scrabble.

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

  233. Although we do not know the specifics, your pain is palpable. Your sorrow manifest. My heart hurts with yours. May you find the peace, the strength, the understanding, the love you need to vanquish the shadows of the darkness surrounding you. You are not alone! Love and peace shine brightly around you.

  234. I love you. I’m in that same place. Had been doing well for awhile but back into the thoughts and actions that show me, if only to myself, how bad things are. I’ll hold your hand through it if you’ll hold mine.

  235. You have so many people surrounding you with warmth, light and love. I will hold you close in my intentions each day. ❤️❤️❤️

  236. Well that’s fucked up my plan. I may be the paradigm slash paragon slash poster child of inappropriate behaviour but your post has made me reconsider my plan (remarkable achievement, few have succeeded). See, I bought your book 2 days ago, the one about shoplifting in a liquor store, magic squirrels, demented quail impersonating turkeys,or vis-versa (that’s a far as I’ve got) and was about to write a review on Amazon complaining that as a result I have snorted various nasal singeing substances ranging from hot coffee to G&T, that I have a throbbing lump on my head from hitting the bed headboard after having a LOL seizure..and I’m only on page 45..and I’m addicted. But I may just go ahead with that review cos I can’t resist being inappropriate. Sorry. Please get well soon.

  238. Jenny
    All the Love and Light I can round up is being sent to your family. Please accept all the Love that is pouring your way.
    Bear Hugs (the best kind)
    Mark

  239. Love and light to you and your family, peace.
    Your books have helped me so much, you make a difference in many lives!

  242. Even when it seems like you have nowhere left to turn, there is a solution waiting for you. Always.
    The journey that each human being makes through earthly existence can have hardship as often as it is touched by joy. When we encounter adversity, the stress we feel can erode our optimism, eventually convincing us that the issues we face cannot be overcome. In truth, there is no situation so dire, no challenge so great, and no choice so bewildering that it cannot be overcome. Though we may believe that all avenues have been closed to us or that our most conscientious efforts will come to naught, we are never without feasible options. The best course of action may be veiled in doubt, but it is there. When we are honest with ourselves with regard to this simple fact, we can overcome anything because we will never stop looking for a solution to the challenges before us.

    Self-trust coupled with a sturdy plan is the ultimate antidote to adversity’s tendency to inspire disillusionment in the human mind. As difficult as the obstacle plaguing you seems, it is no match for the love of a supportive universe that has been a part of your life since the day of your birth and will be with you forevermore. Try not to be misguided by your fear as this gives rise to the notion that there are problems without solutions. If you believe in your capabilities and dedicate yourself to the creation of some form of resolution, you will be surprised to discover that paths that were once closed to you miraculously open. Even if all you can do is change your perspective to turn an impediment into an opportunity to grow, you will have found the hope that is an inherent element of all hardship.

    Remember that your destiny is a product of your own creation. Even when it seems you have nowhere left to turn, there is a solution waiting for you. The only insurmountable obstacles are the ones you create in your own mind–and these can only exert power over you if you let them. Uncertainty will always be a part of your existence, but perseverance and mindfulness will never fail to see you through to the other side of hardship where joy can thrive. Try and remember that no matter what life places at your feet, there is absolutely no situation that cannot be resolved with time, love, and friendship.

  244. I hope you are smothered in love and caring. Not in a suffocating way, but in a pile of puppies and blankets on a cold winter day sort of way.

  246. I’m an open book, too, and writing helps me process feelings and thoughts. On one occasion I wrote something that hurt a loved one and it blew up in my face. The fallout was hellish and I didn’t know if I could survive it. The fear and guilt were so heavy I couldn’t carry it alone. Thankfully, I had The Viking to hold me up. It took nearly a year before I could write again and even now I over-think everything ad nauseam.
    I hope it all works out and your family grows in love and peace. I’m thinking of you. It’s okay to shut down if that’s what it takes to heal the wounds of everyone concerned.

  247. Love you! Thank you for sharing what you can–that you are okay, but someone else is not. Sending love your way.

  248. So much love to you and your whole family, for whatever is happening. We are here when you are ready and with you throughout. You matter. 💜

  249. You and those you are caring for are not alone. You know that. You teach that in your very special and much loved way. We’re all out here, sending you all the positive thoughts, vibes, prayers, and intentions you can handle, and a bit more. Keep us in whatever loop you are comfortable with so we can support you better.

  251. You bring light to so many of us just by admitting that the world is a weird,sometimes hard place. I hope that you can feel so many people praying, sending light, and maybe even metal chickens to you. You are being someone’s rock. You are a hero.

  252. Sending you hugs, good vibes, prayers and other other positives that are out there. I wish I could post a picture here I’d leave you a rainbow caticorn. Lots of love.

  256. The struggle is real I was just recently diagnosed at the age of 52 almost 53 with borderline personality disorder and this can happen to me in a moment’s notice so hard to deal with the guilt and the negative feelings please remember to check all the facts love you too

  260. Sending prayers and good thoughts to you and all involved, that soon light will shine again. Best to all.

  262. Oh, Jenny. I wish there was something I could do, but please know that my thoughts are with you and your family. All the hugs.

  263. Keep doing what you’re doing. If you nee anything just shine your bat signal (im guessing its a petrified (crystalized ) bat strapped to a flashlight and your tribe will show up.
    💜💜💜💜

  265. I’ve experienced depression “lite” for most of my life, a kind of buzzing annoyance at the back of my skull that grows louder and softer but never really guess away. Then I married a man who deals with bipolar disorder type 2, the serious depression kind, and I had to learn how to ask someone if they had a plan. But the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced was my daughter’s doctor asking her if she had considered harming herself and watching her crumble in front of me. My baby, that I wished into being and grew in my body. I’m hoping that your baby is safe. I’m hoping that I’m understanding your words wrong. I’m praying for you and your family, and all of the children of the world. God grant them love and light, amen.

  266. It feels like you’ve lost someone and my heart breaks for you. It’s a wonder that effervescent humor and poignant sensitivity are joined at the hip so often, more so in you than many. We’ll be here when you’re ready.

  267. I love you too, Jenny. You are light and happiness to so many. I trust in you. I’ll be waiting right here for your return. No explanation nevesdary. Ever.

  268. Hi, Jenny –
    No need to apologize, no guilt. Your character has always shone through your writing and speaking, and you have always done your best. You are a loving family member and a great advocate for all of us who suffer from mental and emotional struggles.
    I’m glad you have good people helping. You deserve it, as do we all.
    Whatever is going on, please know that there are a lot of us out here pulling for you. You are not alone. And you’ve gotten through hard times before. You are strong, smart, and resilient, and I believe you can handle more than most people.
    You’re in our thoughts.

  269. Thank you for reminding us to let people know we value them and can see their worth – even if they can’t. Thank you for being the kind of person who would do this on the hardest week of your life.

  270. Sending all of the love to you and your family, Jenny.
    Thank you for existing. You’ve helped me through so much, I can’t even put it in to words.
    Stay strong and know that we’re all thinking of you.

  271. Warm and loving thoughts are being sent your way. Thank you for thinking of others as your end is struggling. Big hugs from a non-hugger.

  272. What the first 252 commenters said: I can’t improve on all that. If there is such a thing as Light, earnestly wishing that it shine bright on you and your family. Love. Admiration. Hugs.

  273. <3 Take care of yourself and yours, first. By all means, take time away from social media if you need to. And know that we are all sending love and hope to you and your family.

  274. I hope you know how much strength you give to so many of us every day. Now we’re sending that strength back to you. You and your family are so loved by so many. I hope you find peace with whatever is happening soon.

  275. I am so sorry that you are experiencing this frightening and sad time. You have helped me through some of my darkest days, reading your book while my husband was undergoing immunology for his bladder cancer. Please take care and feel our hugs through the internet.

  277. Sending many prayers to you and yours. Today I called my friend because today is the anniversary of her beloved mother’s death seven years ago. It was appreciated more than you could know. This friend was there for me so much this past year during my mom’s final days and her death. She visited us, called, took me out. It is so important to be with those during good and bad times. It may seem difficult, but just do it. You will be rewarded more than you could ever know. And visit the sick and dying. So appreciated by them and their loved ones. If you cannot visit due to distance etc, call. Know you are cared for Jenny. I would visit, if I knew where you were. And R.I.P. Mary Oliver and thank you For all you have given us.

  280. Whatever it is, whatever’s going on right now…even if nobody else is there for you, Jenny, WE are here for you. <3 Hang in there. We love you.

  283. Please know how loved you are, and how much you have touched lives just by being yourself. Whatever this is, you can get though it. I have a loved one who has had the whole “I should be dead” conversation with me and we both have cried in relief because we’re still here. Remember even when it’s seeming like an eternity of darkness, that it doesn’t last forever.

  284. Sending love to you and your family, Jenny! I hope that you will all find your way out of the darkness and back into the light soon. <3

  287. Sending love to you and your whole family. I have been the person who seems “so strong” and could not make even friends see that I was serious about not wanting to be here after some huge losses in my life …. they just can’t listen. But I’m still here! love you

  288. There is a wonderful short story by Spider Robinson, I can’t remember the name, but it was set in a bar called Callaghan’s, where if you wanted to say something, everyone would stop and listen. It could be personal, or a terrible joke, whatever, but everyone would listen. I’m misquoting, I’m sure, but one of the characters said, “If you have a hurt and I have a hurt and we share them with each other, somehow we both end up with less than half a hurt apiece.”

    Jenny and everyone in this community, thank you for sharing your hurts and for listening while others do the same. We are all better for it.

    Jilly

  290. Your Authenticity is a source of great inspiration. Thank you for being real. ((Hug))

  291. Oh my… sending so many prayers and so much love to you and your family.

  292. I want to come up with the perfect words to soothe you. You do matter and have been there for me. I think there are around 250 comments, and those are the ones who were able to write. There are more along with these who have crafted a gentle alliance to hold those of us who can hardly stand. If we are unable to stand then we hold hands as we lay down to regroup. They are a part of tiny glimmers in the dark.
    Holding you close,
    LL

  293. I’ve read your blog for a long time, Jenny, and I’ve never posted a reply here before, but I am today. I believe in the intense energy that we humans can send out to one another, and I believe that energy can heal hearts. I’m living with stage 4 cancer and I feel, every day, the energies that are being sent my way. Today, I send forth some of that energy to you, and to the person or people in your life who need it. May healing be forthcoming. May the darkness be what shows you the brightness of light when it finally appears again. Love to you, Jenny Lawson, you beautiful mess. You’ve inspired so many of us to live our beautiful messes out loud. Thank you. Hold on to whatever light you can find today.

  295. It is my worst fear to have my struggles reborn in one my daughters. And yet, what better resource could they have than the mom whio soldiered through? Who can say, “I truly understand. Take my hand. We will do this together”? Not with guilt but with knowledge that my suffering was unwasted. Your suffering is not wasted and will see her through.

  297. Thank you for this gentle reminder. As always I am grateful for your openness and unconditional love. Sending you and yours light and love. ❤️

  298. You were instrumental in my daughter’s recovery from her SA. You wrote to her while she was in the hospital. You were the third person she saw (after me and her father) after she got out of that hellhole. I will forever be grateful and indebted to you. Wishing you and your family peace.

  304. Waiting to talk to my therapist when I read this. Someone I love deeply has demons telling lies and it hurts both of us. But I know they are lies and I’m learning how to help. I know this doesn’t make sense, but I’m offering my therapy session for you. May my efforts at wholeness go out in the cosmos and help others struggling for the same.

  305. I have been more stressed out about money this past week than I have ever been in my entire 48 years. It’s good for me to remember that life is about a lot more than that. Thank you. Sending lots of love your way to you and your beautiful family. Hugs.

  307. You are beautiful, Jenny. Thank you for your profound words as always.
    I needed to read them. Even in your darkest hours you still distribute your light to others… remember to save some light, kindness and energy for yourself though too. Sometimes we all need to pull away a bit to take care of ourselves and I applaud you for doing that. So very sorry to hear you are suffering at this time. Sending prayers and <3!!

  308. I’m sorry that this week was scary. I’m glad it seems like the right things are coming together. Much love and light from Minnesota for your family!

  311. The poem was appropriate. Poet Mary Oliver died today at the age of 83.
    Hang in there and keep blogging.

  312. To the universe, to God and Mary and all the saints, to mother Earth and the angels we seek, please lift up Jenny and her family and give them peace and strength. Whatever they are facing, give them the courage to hold tight to love and family and friendship and to lean on those who will gladly help. Help them realize that dawn always follows darkness, and that this, too, shall pass in its own time and way.Remind Jenny especially that she is so loved, that depression lies, that there is healing even where there is pain. We ask this in love and friendship. Amen, Amen, Amen.

  313. I don’t really know what to say. I hope things will be better very soon. Hold on, you are an amazing person, I love you too.

  314. I m so sorry, between the lines we are speaking of a suicide attempt, always very painful for the entire family. I assume it was an attempt only. You are doing the right thing in maintaining
    her privacy. It is her story to tell or not. Much love to you and your entire family.

  315. I have a feeling I know what you are talking about, though I pray I am wrong. My daughter was suicidal most of the past year and made an attempt in February, though I didn’t find out about it right away (which of course made me feel even more horrible and useless). She has spent all year in therapy and is doing much better. Hugs, Jenny, I know first-hand that there is nothing that makes a parent feel more helpless and more terrified. I don’t think I’ll ever really get over it. Very few people really get it, but I’m happy that they don’t know this kind of pain, honestly.

  316. Sending white light your way and hoping for the best for you and your sweet family.

  319. By writing and sharing this you have saved lives. Thank you for letting us into your story. I needed to read this, today especially.I pray you find your way through the darkness. I know it sucks that through is the only way out. I’m stuck in the dark right now too, but you help us feel we aren’t alone and you continually offer hope and specific ways to reach out, not only to someone else, but to ourselves. Please keep it up, if and when you can. Thank you.

  320. We love you, Jenny. You have always been here for us, even when you are struggling. It’s totally our turn to support you. Whatever you need.

  321. You don’t have to look too far ahead. You just have to make it through the next 4 minutes and then decide to assess the next 4. You will find piece again and one morning, you will wake up and it won’t be the very first thing you think of. Love and hugs. Susan

  322. Thank you for sharing. I too am deep in a ditch right now. I read the words but I do not believe them-at this moment. I hope I have the strength in the near future to embrace your faith that holding on is the best and that I do matter. I sure do not feel like I do . I am so over feeling like emotional shit each day. I wish I had a friend like you. I have no one. At least you have support and love. I know YOU will shine with smiles soon.

  324. I’m still scared for you, but writing this is a huge start in dealing whatever is causing you so much pain. Definitely sending you all the good vibes I can muster, and all the fucks I was storing up for the week, so you can use them on anyone who hurts you. Much love.

  325. You are not alone. You are special. Thank you for sharing what you can Jenny. Sending you love and light.

  328. I’m so sorry for whatever you are going through. Please hold onto that hope you mentioned and lean on whoever you can for the strength to get through this situation. I’m sorry life can be so hard. Hang in there. ❤️❤️

  330. We love you too, Jenny. We’re here for you and for each other through the good times and the bad – because of you! Thanks for sharing what you can. You’re stronger and braver than you realize.

  331. Prayers and love to help you and your loved ones through this difficult time. Check out The Latest Kate on Facebook. Positive happy messages with cute animal pics for those of us living with anxiety and/or depression. Between meds, YOU, and that site, I am holding my own! Know that you are loved, and you are a light for so many of us Jenny! XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

  332. Warmth sent to you; your family; your world. Thank you for the reminder, as you have said the brain lies. Please be well and know you are a very important part of this world (and likely of one that is parallel to it). Peace Out!!

  334. Sending love and positivity to you and your family. You are so important to this world. Please take care.

  336. Try to take care of yourself through whatever is happening, no matter who is hurting, you can only be there when you have the strength and capacity and that means self care and self compassion.

    Quite right that you don’t share, people don’t need details to be supportive. We might be curious about whatever can make the worst week of your life, but that’s all and you do not need to publicly share a story that belongs to someone else as well as yourself.

    This community is behind you 100% (not literally, don’t worry), so take the time, make space and do what you need to do to get your world back on it’s axis.

  337. Jenny. How appropriate for me to see this now. My son has been struggling for months now, only recently letting us (his sister and I) know. He has bouts os sobbing, and doesn’t know why, he feels small and insignificant, he doesn’t want to do anything, including talking to someone. It breaks my heart, and he is apologetic. I tell him it’s ok, and he isn’t alone. I tell him i/we love him, and we need him, can’t imagine life without him. I have tried to gently encourage him to talk to someone, my daughter told him we would go with him if he wanted. He doesn’t know. I don’t know how to help him, how to handle the situation. He’s only 26. I thought maybe this was a result of “adulting”. He’s snowballing, he finds that distraction helps, he is worried about time passing, his job, a possible promotion,( but what if they don’t like me?).

    You and your family is never far from my thoughts, and prayers Jenny. I love you so, so much!!

  338. Sending hugs and head pets (those are completely underrated tools of affection) XoxoxoX

  339. It hurts to breathe I’m so scared something awful was visited upon your husband or child.

    Kids heal when they’ve been loved and when adults believe their story. They may growl and be silent and surly, but they see it when their adults learn how to understand them and figure out how to protect them or protect them again. I might have read between the lines incorrectly, but my core compels me to tell you that.

    Whoever it is, they are better for having you. Please make sure you have your people too, who will put you to bed or haul you out, let you talk or silence the distortion.

    I’ve hugged my husband and kids. I wish I could hug you and yours too.

    Much love,
    Your complete stranger,
    Sarah

  340. Sending so much: love, hugs, kitty purrs and headbutts, sloppy dog kisses, slow sloth scratches, raccoon high fives and wierd whale songs

  341. So sorry to hear this. I’m wishing you all the strength in the world to make it through what sounds like obviously an incredibly difficult time. All of your fans are rooting for you and your family

  342. Take care hon! Whatever it is that you’re going through I hope that you reach the end of the dark tunnel and see the light. I hope things get better for you soon. Remember that you’re an inspiration not only to me but millions of others around the world. 🙂

  343. Love you Jenny. You are my light. If you need it back it is all here for you.

  346. Jenny,

     I add my thoughts and energy to those of everyone else. Take whatever time you need and let us know if we can help.

    Ruth

  347. I never know what to say here. I’m not good at these things. I’m never sure if you see what I say (you’ve never responded to me and I completely understand that you have millions of fans out there and there is no way for you to see and/or respond to every one) but this one I hope you see, this one I hope you read. You have been such an inspiration to me. I have agoraphobia so severely that I haven’t left our property in 11 years. I read your blogs, or books (although I still need the latest) and I realize I’m not alone. There are other people who have similar issues as I do, struggle as I do. That in and of itself is a balm to my soul. You are so important to so many ppl (we all are) and when I read what you write I realize that’s what’s important. We MATTER! We make an impact! I LIVE! I love all of you here! And Jenny, just keep being you!

  349. Jenny, I’m sorry this week has been so difficult for you and the ones you love. I hope some happiness – or at least clarity – can come out of it. Thank you for all you do for us, especially now, when you’ve reminded us to reach out to our own loved ones. I am sending you bushels & bushels of love, light, and hope – feel free to share it around. :-*

  350. “…your brokenness can lead to a kind of empathy that will save the world”.
    That is stunningly beautiful.
    Thank you for sharing yourself with the world.

  352. Thinking of you – hope all is well with you and your family. And if it’s not, I hope it soon will be.

  353. I would love to know what it is you (and presumably others) are going through, but I understand the desire to respect their feelings as well. It sounds like things are improving, and I sincerely hope they continue to do so.

    I hope do see you furiously happy soon. It’s okay if it isn’t soon. These things happen. But soon means less hurt for you, at least for now 🙂 I have so thoroughly enjoyed your writings over the years, and I wish you the same enjoyment in your own life.

  355. One of my favorite poets Mary Oliver just passed away today. A friend sent me this poem of hers, and I hope it helps you, and whomever you know who is struggling right now:
    Wild Geese by Mary Oliver
    You do not have to be good.
    You do not have to walk on your knees
    for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
    You only have to let the soft animal of your body
    love what it loves.
    Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
    Meanwhile the world goes on.
    Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
    are moving across the landscapes,
    over the prairies and the deep trees,
    the mountains and the rivers.
    Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
    are heading home again.
    Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
    the world offers itself to your imagination,
    calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting –
    over and over announcing your place
    in the family of things.

  358. Adding my voice to the chorus of light and good wishes for you and your loved ones. I hope things get less scary and more delightful for you soon.

  360. I am one of your readers who quietly follows you and reads your books but has never commented, I stand quietly at the back of the room and just listen. You have given me so much over the years to allow me to move forward. I stand up now for you to see, so that you know you are not alone. Sending love and light.

  363. I’ve just been introduced to your two audiobooks the past few weeks and they have brought such joy to my life and helped so much, even when I haven’t been able to share my boxes of darkness with anyone else. I’m so sorry tough times have come to you, but know how much you’re loved. I hope that things get better and thank you for everything you’ve shared.

  365. Long time reader – this is my first comment. Thank you. For it all. For this. For the books. For the audiobooks. You don’t know me but you have helped me so much in my struggles. And I share your work with people I think need it. I don’t know what has happened but I am sorry and I send you whatever good things I can.

  366. Thank you for sharing, friend. It’s been a rough couple of weeks and I actually listened to Furiously Happy early this week because it’s something that makes me feel understood. Holding you in my heart!!

  367. Praying praying PRAYING for you and your family! Sending so much love and hope and asking for mercy and comfort and healing and grace for all of you. Big gigantic hugs! Please check in with us when you can. Love you, Jenny. Hang on. ❤️❤️

  368. You would probably be surprised how many people struggle. My son who is smart and talented is finding high school difficult. It makes me sad that this is so common for high schoolers. I think so many people feel they are alone. They have no idea how important they are. How loved and liked. It’s not just kids though. It is easy to feel discouraged. Thank you for all you do for everyone in spite of difficulties.

  369. Sending warm and gentle hugs. May you feel the energy and kindness we are all sending you–it’s powerful, positive energy, and we’ll share and then share some more and then more, and we’ll keep sharing as long as you and your family need it. Sharing–it’s a powerful healing energy. My love to you and your family.

  371. As someone who suffers with treatment resistant depression and a psychotherapist (retired), i I have some understanding of your suffering and I’m extremely sad to hear that you are navigating through some dire straits. Know that you have made me guffaw after reading your blog, even while I was feeling low. Please know that if I could offer you a similar reprieve with a one liner, I would (do so).. I know you don’t have the mental space or likely the energy to read this, but I’m typing anyway. Keep talking, typing, walking in the direction of the sun whatever you can scrape together the wherewithal to do because I know that you are persevering, that you and the situation/person that’s contributing to these feelings will not fell you. You are worthwhile and will move beyond this. We are all pulling for you.

  374. Jenny I have admired ur humor determination and honesty. My son has had many similar struggles the ups and downs. I know how many people u help and how much ur blogs have given clarity and sympathy to all who receive so little understanding. Thank u my dear and remember how much u mean to so very many Love u

  375. I hear you. It is scary and it does make you have feelings you never knew you would have. You can get through this. You can be strong when you must and soft when the time is right. You are not the only person who has been through this and you will learn and grow from the experience. Sending all the love and long distance hugs to you and everyone involved.

  382. Jenny. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Along with so many others I am sending positive thoughts and wishes for you and your family. You are an amazing person. You are loved by so many. Let us lift you up in this time of difficulty. You do what you need to do for yourself and your family. We will always be here for you.

  383. Sending all the love and light I have inside me. You’re important. You’re loved. And you got this. ❤️

  384. Thank you. This is what I needed today. Please I know my shit is not your responsibility and don’t take this that way. And thank you. This is what I needed today.

  387. TIght hugs from me in Mexico. Let the light in and breathe. I hope it’s gonna be OK.

  389. You do not have to be good.
    You do not have to walk on your knees
    for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
    You only have to let the soft animal of your body
    love what it loves.
    Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
    Meanwhile the world goes on.
    Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
    are moving across the landscapes,
    over the prairies and the deep trees,
    the mountains and the rivers.
    Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
    are heading home again.
    Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
    the world offers itself to your imagination,
    calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting –
    over and over announcing your place
    in the family of things.

    Mary Oliver
    Wild Geese

  390. I’m lifting you up in my thoughts my dear. You are surrounded by a community that cares about you and yours. Lean into the concern we are all expressing.

    Love
    Cyndi

  391. All our love, Jenny. You’ve helped me through so much shit. I wish I could do the same for you, but all I’ve got is a lot of gratitude.
    Internet hug?

  392. By reaching out to your community, you’re already on the way back. I think the light is at your door now… Knock Knock, Motherfucker!

  393. I love you too Jenny. I am San Antonio born and raised, so your stories and life have special significance to me. Although I believe my children are happy and healthy, your words have motivated me not to assume that without checking and not to take it for granted even if it is true.

  394. You and the people in your family are capable and brave and significant. Holding your people in a healing circle of light. You are loved.

  396. I love you. I will follow your request to reach out to those I love and let people know I care. And I am sending you light and wishing everyone in your thoughts to feel love and relief.

  401. This is the first time I’ve commented even though I’ve followed for a long time and relate to everything you say and how your mind works. I came on to tell you about sqwallets but now I’m torn between whether it’s inappropriate or just the right amount of appropriate. So I’m going to share but with the caveat that we don’t know each other and I’m doing it out of love. I don’t pray but instead I’ll hope for you and yours as I hope for me and mine.

  402. Hugs to you Jenny and thoughts and good vibes to you and your family. Darkness can seem overwhelming and you are right even the happy people fight with unseen monsters that live inside them and try to convince us we aren’t any good. They are liars and we all need extra hugs sometimes.Reading your blog inspired me to finally publish my own struggles in Postcards from Hell. We can all help and hold each other through the dark. Hang in there. We love u

  404. I often find myself scoffing at the sending of prayers, mostly because far too many people use it as an excuse to avoid taking action (donations, shows of support, taking a stance, voting with purpose, holding people accountable, changing thought patterns and world views, etc., etc., etc.). I’m officially jaded.

    But.

    None of those other things are options right now, so if sending thoughts of strength and comfort and love and appreciation are the action that is needed, consider them yours. You have all those things, and you are all those things to an awful lot of people, and it’s our turn to be there for you.

    Strength, comfort, love, and appreciation to you and yours. As much as you can take, and for as long as you need it.

  405. Reached out to my brother tonight in the spirit of what you requested. I was going to say I don’t do that often enough (tell him I appreciate him), but the truth is I never do it. Yet, I worry about him. So thank you for the prompt.
    All the good feels to you and your family.

  407. Sometimes you bless others by allowing them to help you. You have helped so many, it’s an honor to send love and support to you. Let us know if we (I) could do more.

  409. I love you, Jenny. I truly do. I am sending you and your family every prayer for healing and love and safety.

  410. You have had a huge positive impact on my life, through your words and from meeting my fellow bloggess fans online. I love you.❤️

  411. I wish for you find peace, comfort, safety for you and those you love, all the information, resources and strength you need to get through whatever is happening, and the best possible outcome. You have a huge group of people who adore you and are praying for you, me included. Don’t forget to breathe. ❤️

  412. Dude…what is going on? If it’s a matter of dealing with a teenager, I get that. I’m ready to drive him to the nearest fire house but I don’t think he’ll fit in that bank-like drawer thing my friends says it has. Not that shes tried to return her teen or anything. Thank you for this post. It was beautiful.

  415. Please keep shining your light… it warms and welcomes, brightens and transforms. If you need light from others, that’s ok too. We can all be lights for each other. Thanks for being a bright one for so so so many. Hugs to you for whatever you are going through. 🙂

  421. I wish you knew how much you have helped me. I get so low I often contemplate the “easy way out”. I will most certainly keep you in my prayers, my dear woman. You must be experiencing some gut-wrenching turmoil, and I wish I had the words that would bring you comfort. Know that you make a difference in the world. Know that you are loved. Know that you are important.

  423. Just please know your not alone. You are not the only one to dissappear even momentarily. You are not alone to need your space. You have a million people in the room with you. And in my eyes that’s the world’s biggest hug. We love you.

  424. Hugs. I feel your pain. I feel very much alone at the moment: I have my husband and only one friend in the city where I’m living, and that one friend is too busy finishing her PhD at the moment to even do coffee. And if she wasn’t too busy, she has too much on her own plate to have any emotional strength to share.

    The University of Canberra accepted me as a student in December 2016 but then refused disability access, caused a back injury through refusals of disability access and refusals to fix my chair (although they replaced other students’ chairs while they refused to even look at mine), they refused to meet minimal key performance indicators, policies and procedures in supporting my research into representations of disability then in 2018 claimed that I was an incompetent student although they’d given me a Chancellor’s Award for Excellence in 2017. Their lawyer reacted when she heard that piece of information! What’s more a staff member assaulted me, pushing me like a shopping trolley for about 20 metres or maybe even more. I reported the assault to the police but they refused to look at the CCTV footage, preferring to take UniCanberra staffs’ word for what happened because they’re so trustworthy… after having a law lecturer convicted and sentenced to jail not for ONE rape but for being A SERIAL RAPIST of students. Instead of UniCanberra and police learning from that incident, they have decided that a proper investigation of an assault was too time consuming and unnecessary because the victim is me, a disabled woman whose only ‘misconduct’ was complaining about disability discrimination and then complaining about the assault. for this ‘misconduct’ UniCanberra suspended me then expelled me. Literally, the dean of students apparently took action to notify the deputy vice chancellor because a human rights lawyer who was also a student at UniCanberra had forwarded him an email in the expectation that he would protect me from future assaults not suspend me for asking not to be assaulted again!!!!

    And now, after the ACT Human Rights Commission found that UniCanberra has discriminated against me on grounds of disability and in SEVERAL areas, UniCanberra is taking me to court because apparently being the victim of an assault that was recorded on CCTV footage where I did not defend myself is me being violent and being the victim of threats by staff including the deputy vice chancellor and the dean of students is actually making threats. The problem is that people believe them because they’re them and I’m disabled. People believe them because they’re defaming me by saying I had all these problems at uni therefore I’m being vindictive when my only problems at uni were being the victim of disability discrimination and assault. If university staff had complied with legislation then I’d still be at uni studying, but instead I’m facing court on 21 March 2019 to defend myself, just hoping that the magistrate is woke enough to weigh the evidence. I’m hopeful although stressed: UniCanberra applied for an ‘interim order’ without my knowledge and even without me there to defend myself the magistrate did not give them their interim order. The downside is I had to attend compulsory conciliation at court in the beginning of December and the registrar specifically said he did not want to hear anything I had to say, not even that this case is vexatious and can be resolved by the court ordering the release of 10 minutes of security camera footage from the refectory for the time 11-11:10 am on 10 May 2018. That footage will show the assault, the full extent of the assault perpetrated by an assistant professor who is also a registered nurse and midwife, that it was completely unprovoked, and that I did not defend myself although I was obviously very distressed and she nearly pushed me right off my feet several times while she was shoving me around and steering me between people who were standing around waiting for their coffees.

    Fuck. I feel so alone, so victimised, I’ve lost my dream of 14 years to do a PhD on representations of disability and for what? Some fuckwit bigots who took money from the government for my studies but wouldn’t provide the mandatory minimum standard of support for that study then they expelled me to get rid of the problem, and now no one will enforce legislated standards so this will happen to someone else, probably another disabled woman, really soon.

  425. May love, light, strength, and peace be yours to carry you and your family through this difficult time.

  426. I appreciate you so much, Jenny. I am training to be a psychiatrist, and I have struggled with anxiety my entire life. You have brought me such happines, and I hope you know the good you bring into the world. I hope this too shall pass for you, and soon. I love you.

  427. Life can change on a whim. We are all so very fragile. Depression is an ugly beast. But this too shall pass. To keep going is always the best choice. I wish brighter days for you and yours.

  429. Oh Jenny. I read this and felt myself go cold with between the lines assumptions. I can only hope I’m wrong and have misinterpreted this most horrific week you’ve been having. But I think I feel something very akin to your pain. My brother killed himself in November after a couple of weeks of family ugliness between him, his wife, my other brother’s wife, and our father, none of which I had even an inkling was happening until after he died. If someone who could tell the future had told me someone I loved would commit suicide and given me a pen and paper and told me to guess who, I could have gone years and years and used up reams of paper and his name NEVER would have made it on the list. My family will never sit down to a meal together. “Blame” flies around still. I wish I could tell you it will get better but I’ve stopped telling myself that it can’t get any worse. My family keeps rising up to the challenge to prove that wrong in new and creative ways. Sharing this much doesn’t even qualify as the tip of the iceberg. That’s more like a small snowflake on the tip of the iceberg. I feel like I’ve entered a Twilight Zone episode of the Jerry Springer show.

    Suicide doesn’t stop pain, it just redistributes it to all the loved ones left behind, where it multiplies outward exponentially. I have a tiny little first and only tattoo now of a semicolon. It’s become a focal point for meditation, a promise never to do that to anyone else, and a conversation opener. I’d been wanting to get one for several years but kept chickening out. It finally reached a point where I realized that I regretted NOT having gotten it sooner, more than I could ever possibly regret HAVING a tattoo. It’s a small thing, but it’s a symbol of so much more. A permanent reminder that:
    The story isn’t over yet; there’s still so much more left to say.

    You’re going to have some rough waters to navigate. Please lean on us whenever you think we can help.

  431. All I can add is I’m sending those prayers. Hope everyone is ok, or at least will be. Thank goodness for the little bit of hope. Sending hugs and love.

  433. Jenny. You are a light-bringer. A Way-Shower. So much more to all of us out here…so much more. You are loved, respected, and cherished out in the world. You’ve saved many a life. So, know that we are all here, not budging, patiently waiting for your return with open arms.

    In the meantime, you’re wrapped in love. Lots and lots of love. ❤️

  434. I don’t know how I got here. I don’t know you, never heard of you, etc.

    But I’m glad you showed up on my screen. I needed to read this tonight. Thank you.

    Love and prayers for you and your family.

  435. My mind is racing with worst-case-scenarios, wondering what on earth is going on that’s making you feel this way. Whatever is going on, I’m sending tons and tons of good wishes and vibes for you and your family. You are so often my light, my anchor, and it hurts so much to see you hurting. I’ve only met you once, briefly, but through your blog and your books I’ve come to care about you and your family so very very much. I really hope whatever is going on will get better.

  436. This just popped up on my news feed, after reading title I thought I’d better read it since what was said feels so familiar..thought I was all alone..Jenny whatever you are going through I am so sorry..I speak from someone who wrestles to get up everyday..me! My children and husband are the reason I continue to fight..Jenny keep fighting, don’t give up!! You are obviously so loved, admired and cared for by so many.. People need you.. you have a purpose and darkness would love to destroy the truth and light you bring.. the clouds will clear and your light will shine again….

  439. love you and all you give. Sending you warm soft kitten vibes. And if you need actu warm soft kittens.

  441. Hello Jenny, I was wondering where you might have been, but I know how these highs and lows in our lives can send us off kilter for a while. My thoughts and are with you. You girlfriend, are such a strong amazing woman. I am reading one of your books right now, and honest to God it is so good to be able to laugh at these terrible diseases that have a grip on me. (And you)… laughing at them and with you makes me feel okay. I hope you are blessed with a positive outcome with whatever you are going through right now. We will always be here, your faithful fans, in all of your “craziness” glory. Take your time, and take care of what you need to do. I printed off the last two paragraphs that you wrote and they are on my bulletin board above my desk. You write everything that I cannot put into words. Thank you and take care of you.

  444. Oh Jenny, I wish I had a magic wand to make it all better. I send all my love and warmth to you and your family, and hope everything turns out okay.
    I love you, I love Hailey and Victor, and your parents, and Lisa and Gabbie, and of course Hunter, Posey, Ferris, and Dorothy. Every one of you is loved by this huge crazy community that you created with your magic.

  445. So sorry to hear you are going through this. Whether you like it or not, you are strong enough. You will experience every moment of it, and all the moments after, and it will not stop sucking, but you will be strong enough. You will grow new muscles you never wanted, and you will be strong enough. So sorry you have to experience that.

  446. Prayers for you, prayers for Victor, but most of all, prayers for Hailey, because, really, everything is about her at her age, no matter WHAT’S going on.

  448. Sending much love to you and all your family, and although we have never met and I very rarely comment, please know that you are loved and admired too. Sometimes I know that it can feel like a burden but remember, just you being you is more than enough. Thank you for the insights you have given me into both my depression and my sister’s mental health struggle, it helps and comforts me enormously.

  450. Dear Jenny,

    Something terrible happened to your family, and I hope with all my heart that the help you are receiving is enough to help you through this. It is okay if you do not want to write, it is okay if you do. We are not only hear to read the humour and fun, that’d be unfair of us. We also are when things go sideways, or when they go plummeling down that dark hole we all know so well.
    Furthermore, what you write about asking your children…
    As someone who has only learned to see the light last year, I want to let you know that sometimes asking your children even ten times an hour wouldn’t have helped. They have minds of their own, lying, deceiving minds, yes, but I would have lied all the times. Time and time again, when someone asked me. Whatever happened, it’s not your fault, you are loved, and you are not alone.

    sending thoughts and hugs

  451. I have something I want to send you, how can I do that? Hold tight, we love you!

  452. You hang in there girl. I have been struggling a lot too……It almost felt like I was writing that. I have been coloring in your book. I feel like I was great for my 3 kids, but all 3 suffer from depression/anxiety/and more like me. So did I do more harm? They are such amazing people though. Day by day….that is all we can do. You inspire me so much. I LOVE YOU TOO!!!!

  453. I have no one I can trust to reach out to. Mom long ago wrecked my trust when it comes to my emotional state. My brother gets upset at me, goes to facebook, and accuses me to other people of not listening when I’m at my lowest. I found its easier to just shut myself up.

  454. Sometimes all you can do is watch, wait and offer support as someone else deals with their demons. I is, in my opinion harder than if the problem is directly yours. You are a good and loving person, I wish you well.

  456. Same here, Jenny. Your words help tremendously, and here’s some back ‘atcha: you matter. You are loved. And your brain can go f*ck itself for telling you otherwise.

    Also, watching three straight hours of “Pitbulls and Parolees” helps a lot. Being kind to yourself helps so take what you need.

    Sending you love and light and hot chocolate with marshmallows. xoxo

  460. Hugs and hope to you and yours. It must be terribly hard for you to keep from sharing when that is part of your coping mechanism. Rest assured, we don’t need the details to be with you, behind you (but not in a creepy way) and hoping for the best for you and everyone in your life.

  462. You’ve helped me in a way I can’t even describe. I’m sorry you’re struggling but I’m sending you good thoughts and vibes. We don’t need to know the story. Just know we got you and we love you too!

  463. I do not normally post comments here but wanted to offer my prayers to you, your family and whoever else is going through this difficult time. I hope everyone is ok and getting all the help and support they need.
    Hugs and prayers to you and yours.
    Thank you for being such a comfort to others and hope we can offer you a little comfort when you need it.

  464. Sometimes loving someone is not enough. Loss is hard for everyone, even cats who somehow know and will suddenly accept all the cuddles. (Probably because they are witches.) I will send all the prayers, and happy thoughts, and virtual glitter.

  465. For some reason I felt that I needed to check out what was going on with you yesterday. Hugs, strength and love to you.

  466. Just reaching out and talking to someone (or, in this case a lot of someones) is the hardest thing to do, but if you can harness strength through what tiny bits that each of us can give, you can move mountains. Depression is a HUGE mountain to climb and a long, long trip to make, but your family, friends, doctors, and your community are here to support you; no one is dying from dysentery on this trip.

    Just by sharing this you have made a huge trust fall, and we will always catch you. Depression lies: we know this. Depression is also a bastard who gaslights everything we say or do, the catch is knowing this and being able to come out the other side bruised and raw but here. Love you Jenny: XOXO

  467. Sending prayers, light, good Karma, good thoughts and everything else to you and your family.

  468. My mother took her own life 25 years ago this week. I was left broken in too many ways, and still am. But I am still here, and I’m sending white light to you and your loved ones, and anyone else here who needs it.

    It took a long time to catch up and finally take me down. I was running so hard, especially after my mother, trying to appear as shiny as I could on the outside. I still have to appear shiny to most, but I now have a few people (and a therapist and groups) who can hear me say…I just can’t right now and don’t feel like I’ll ever want to again, and this is why…

    I say it out loud, to those who have have been in that place, or can vividly imagine it, and then I seem to be able to start to see a glimmer of how I might, maybe, someday, perhaps be able to find my way to what I need to get back up (I’ve usually found I’ve been slacking in some element of self care, or honest connection).

    So, I wish you and your loved ones honest and present connection, self care (including lots of therapy, individual and group, and hospitalization if needed (with absolutely zero shame), sleep, exercise, medication (again, absolutely zero shame), meditation (or similar practice)), and more honest in-person and present connection. And I wish you and your loved ones relationships in which the words….I feel broken and just can’t anymore and this is why… are ok to say aloud. All of this is what has helped me in battling my own perennial demons.

    I hope the demons have not already won against anyone in your life. And if they have, I wish you as gentle a path as possible to what you need to heal your heart. And to stay. As you said, we need your magic.

  469. Sending you love and light and prayers.
    You make a difference in lives you may never meet because you are brave enough to share.

  472. My daughter suffers from bipolar disorder and other mental illnesses as yet to be fully diagnosed. Thank you for being a lifeline for both of us when the despair overtakes us. I hope that whatever you are suffering from passes quickly.

  473. It’s not your fault. I’m so glad that progress is happening. You and your family are greatly loved. I will be sending positive energy, love, and light to you and your family.

  474. Prayers, gentle hugs, compassion and peace to you and those around you. Some stories are not meant to be shared but people involved those stories can have a ripple effect on others around them. Know that you and those you love have the support and care of this fabulous community.
    Kyle

  476. Thank you, Jenny, for being a light to my heart even when you’re feeling the dark. Your honesty about pain (and OF COURSE your sense of the absurd) make my soul smile even as I cope with challenges with my own adult children. I appreciate this reminder to reach out to them with love even when (and especially when) they are not being particularly lovable. Sending you my positive mojo and sunshine today.

  477. Talk, bribe with chocolate, hug, invite to just watch tv – anything to engage your loved ones. Know there are THOUSANDS of people rooting for you and yours. That 1 person’s comments that are negative are not yours nor should they define YOU. One person, one day, one thought not a family, a life time, a pile of thoughts.

  478. You are a beacon of light and encouragement for all of us out here, and I know that you are for your family, too. Look at the community of love you have built here and be proud. You can do this. Think of the good times–I was in Paris at the same time you were last summer and loved your Instagram posts of such joy with your family. (It took a lot for me not to track you down and give you a hug of thanks!) So thank you, and stay strong.

  479. Sending you all the light, love, hugs, and kick ass shit that I can. You are always there for me, and us. We are here for you. I hope you can feel that. We love you Jenny.

  481. I love you Jenny. I am hoping you regain some piece of mind and know we all love you. Be kind to yourself.

  482. Without knowing the circumstances, I can’t help but feel this is about your family. knowing how very deep your love goes for them, it’s something scary and sad. I smell a bit of guilt, too. I had a similar encounter when my daughter was 14; the lain is unbearable but the love was stronger. Hold on, my friend. And don’t give up.

  483. Sending good thoughts your way. Echoing an earlier post: you don’t need to share with us what’s going on —- and we’re going to be here through it all. Hugs.

  484. Just know we love you, Jenny, and that you totally rock, even though it doesn’t always feel that way.

  485. My thoughts are with you. I hope you find strength in knowing that everyone stands by you during these hard times.
    I once took a mental health first aid course and a few things we were told I would like to share here to spread the word. First off, if you (the general, non-directional form of this pronoun) think someone is having thoughts of harming themselves or committing suicide, ask them directly. Many people think if we bring it up, we might give them the idea. That is not true and it is better to ask.
    The other note is for the person who is struggling with thoughts of self harm or suicide. Please understand that these are symptoms that you are struggling with a disease and seek out help. Just like we go to the doctor if we have dizzy spells, or a fever, understand that thoughts of harming yourself are a symptom. A symptom that your brain is ill. You are not “crazy,” or “wrong,” you do not “deserve this,” you are just sick. Reach out, turn to someone you trust. If you don’t have someone you trust, call a hotline such as this one: 1-800-273-8255. Call anytime, they are there 24 hours a day. You matter. You are important. And you shouldn’t suffer silently from a disease when there are ways to get help.
    If you are interested in finding a mental health first aid class near you, check out the National Alliance on Mental Illness: https://www.nami.org/Blogs/NAMI-Blog/July-2018/The-Potential-of-Mental-Health-First-Aid

    I don’t mean this message to imply anyone was wrong if they didn’t ask the right question or didn’t get help. This stuff is hard, so no judgement here. I just want to help spread two very important messages that have helped me in my life.

    Jenny, I am sending you and yours love and hope through these tough times!

  486. I’ve never posted to your blog (I’ve never posted to anyone’s blog) but I feel compelled to send you and your family my sincere hope that all will be well very soon. A friend once told me that being human is hard, and I know that you and your readers (of which I am happily one) know that very well. But sometimes the word hard doesn’t cover it. If that is true for you right now, just focus on taking care of you and yours. Set everything else to the side. It will all be there when you are ready. Be well.

  487. I’m sending you all kinds of prayers,light, and hugs. You are one of the most resilient people I’ve met (even though we haven’t). You will get through this.

  488. Hope you are doing well soon! love and hugs! o and thank you for the reminder, several people I reached out to, needed it today.

  490. Jenny, I am sending you prayers and light. Pauley Perrette wrote and recorded this song along with some other actors. This song has helped me, I hope it helps you too.

  491. Sending love and light to help light the darkeness for you and for your family. ❤️❤️

  492. Our dear sweet Jenny. I truly hope you are taking care of yourself. I’d imagine you and your family are hurting but please believe and know that you have changed my life by making me laugh in the face of my darkness and that has made all the difference.

  494. Oh honey, I’m so sorry. I don’t even need to know the details to know where you are right now. Hang in there. I’ll hold the space for everyone to get the help and support they need. Sending love and light always.
    (And I know we’ve only met a couple of times, but as one blog mom to another, I am ALWAYS here if you want to talk. Ok?)

  495. Jenny, since this doesn’t sound like a personal cry for help, I am assuming someone near you is hurting. So I am sending Love, Prayers, Positivity and the Brightest White Light to you and whomever it is that is causing you to hurt. May this pain be short lived.
    Blessings,
    Jeff

  496. Let’s Pretend This Never Happened was the first thing that made me laugh (or feel anything but emptiness and loss) after my daughter died. In the year that followed, I read your blog archives at night when the world was too quiet and my head was too loud. I will never stop appreciating you. Thank you, for all of it. I wish that, whatever is going on for you right now, I could repay the favor. If you ever need some crazy stories about a stranger’s crazy life to distract you from a world that is too much or too little, I will absolutely share.

  497. I love the quote you shared about darkness. If someone reaches out, even with just darkness, it is still reaching out. I am sending you light and love an prayers and hugs to have your hurt go away.

  498. Thank you for the reminders on all fronts. I’m so sorry for all the pain. You, your family, your anonymous readers are all loved.

  501. Jenny, I fucking love the hell out of you. And I love your family: human, canine, feline, and inanimate. I fucking love the creepy ass dolls and dead stuffed creatures which surround you. You make me smile, you bring me joy, you make my cry, you make me thoughtful, you’ve made me a more generous person, and I just fucking love you.

  502. People say all the trials and tribulations we experience in our lives is a test. A test of what? Faith? Steadfastness? Hope? I don’t know. But we do learn from all of this, about our selves, our bounds with each other, the randomness of the universe, the fragility of life. We learn how one life touches thousands. You have touched thousands, hundreds of thousands. You and your family are apart of so many other peoples lives and we love you all!
    Whatever good thoughts I have, I send them to you and your family. Be strong. We’re here for you.

  503. Our dear sweet Jenny. I truly hope you are taking care of yourself. I’d imagine you and your family are hurting but please believe and know that you have changed my life by making me laugh in the face of my darkness and that has made all the difference in my world.I grew up close to your area and I am hoping its not what I’m thinking but if so I’m sorry that this season in your life is gonna be a b*tch. So so so many hugs and many positive vibes to help with this darkness. Please keep us in the know with your light, however dim it is. Depression lies. We all love ya!

  506. Jenny, I truly empathise with your struggle, pain and grief.
    Our son is an alcoholic and addict. We have been dealing with his struggle for 11 years. Growing up he was a bright, good student but shy and often bullied. He is 33 so must agree to get help but won’t. He has tried to end his pain by overdosing with both. He struggles with depression and low self esteem as well and there is no safety net available for those with mental health issues. He isolates himself, says, he has no friends and that he is the “family f up” and that he wants to die. We are helpless to know what to do?
    “Suicide does not take away the pain, it just passes it on to others.”

  507. Thank you. I love you and am sending you light. I struggle with anxiety, depression, and suicidal ideations. I don’t know why my brain lies and tells me that I am worth nothing. It takes immense strength and effort to push through those times. I have not always been able to stop myself and have come close to dying several times. I need reminders that I am loved….genuinely loved. Love heals.

  508. I’m sorry that you are going thru a bad time. I’ve recently had a few really bad times myself. Your books and humor have gotten me thru so much. I pray for you and your family to overcome this darkness in your life and come out on the other side of light. I still struggle and it may take time, but I just take things moment by moment. I always try to tell my cherished family and friends that I love them. You are right. Please take care of yourself during this time. God Bless!

  509. Aww Jenny! So sorry about this episode. We all love you and are sending you bunches of love, hugs, and whatever else you may need. This too shall pass. In similar situations I hang on to the 3 day rule.

  511. Sending love and prayers to you and your family. I hope the many comments here help you know how much you are loved.

  512. I’m so sorry you’re struggling, Jenny. Sending you and your family love and brighter days to come.

  513. Jenny, I don’t know what to write, but not for the same reasons. We’ve had a rough week in our household and the darkness has stabbed at me at least once daily, but family are coming daily to help with the main issue & so that I get a break from caretaking another.

    HUGS to you, yours and whomever is sharing this story with you.

    As my sister reminded me, Depression Lies. That motherfucker is strong, but let’s be STRONGER!

  514. To Mary Barzee, comment #451. I found this for you, in case you haven’t already…
    My address is: TheBloggess.com / 14546 Brook Hollow Blvd. #400 / San Antonio TX, 78232

    I hope that’s current. She said it’s actually a P.O. Box even though the address doesn’t look like it. And that she doesn’t check it often. But it’s worth a try.

  516. Sending you all positive, uplifting energy. Just know you’re never alone. Not in your sadness, not in your heartache, not in your guilt, and not in your struggles.

  518. Prayers for you and yours, Jenny. I hope there’s more light in your life soon.

  519. Jenny,
    So much love and healing to you and yours. Take all the time you need to make sure you and your family are in a good place, we will be here waiting as long as you need.

  521. I just said to myself “I am struggling” and then I opened this post and saw your words “I am struggling”.

  522. I’m sending so much positive energy and light to you and your beautiful girl. I hear your mama voice filled with fear, but mostly overwhelming love. Hugs!

  523. Hello. I have never read your blog before, it was listed in my news feed. I want to tell you I was touched by your comments, and know that you helped at least one person today. I wish you love and comfort and happiness.

  525. Stay strong, be well, you are loved. Darkness cannot exist without light, the light is coming. The light is coming. Hugs, hugs, and more hugs to you and your family!

  526. we love you, Jenny. When you’re ready or have permission to share, you will. And we’ll be ready for you to unburden yourself of the heavy load of secrecy.

    hugs

  529. My mother suffered from severe mental illness, at three years old my Dad (26 years old in 1963) realized that it was not going to be a good environment for me to grow up in and fought like hell to get full custody of me, MY HERO. I did have to visit summers and Christmas until I turned 18 which was always awful. When I was eight years old and waiting in reception during one session with her psychiatrist, who honest-to-God was straight out of Eastern European central casting, called me into his office privately and said, “I just think you should know, what your Mother has is hereditary” (insert Slavic accent)! Shit, I’m going to go crazy someday! Ummm, that weighed a bit heavy on my 8 year old mind for a few weeks and certainly was not to be shared. One Saturday, while my extended family of very lovely grandparents, dad and uncle (I was so lucky to grow up with on a farm in North Florida) were napping, I contemplated the inevitability of my future. I was swinging on a rope swing in the front yard and came up with a plan, I could figure out how to get to Fiji, you could be totally nuts on Fiji and it wouldn’t matter. POOF, anxiety gone. Throughout my life and 34 year marriage, when the going got tough, we’d ask, “Is it time for Fiji yet?”. The point of this long story is… you have kept your shit together to have a solid marriage, a beautiful and insightful daughter, amass a huge following and inspire us all (well, excepting Trumperinos) to be better people. A lot of folks are grateful to have your wit and wisdom in our lives. I turn 60 next month and the stupid psychiatrist was dead wrong! I have so much sympathy for anyone who’s brain betrays them when it’s so not their fault. Anthony Bourdain RIP. I attended one of his live shows and he so clearly loved his daughter to pieces I can’t begin to imagine the treachery his mind played. Stay safe, keep bringing good into your life. Victor and Haley are proof you are strong.

  530. Just adding my voice to the chorus of those thankful to you for lighting up dark times for us, and hoping to lift you up in your time of need.

  532. Hugs and much love and support. I’ve had such a hard week…i felt so dark and lost…but when someone at work whined and spread gossip, it hurt me, but then it helped because even though life isn’t easy I want to support others…and myself… and thank them for trying hard and making the world better. Thank you for being a light for all of us when it’s not easy. Life isn’t tidy, but it’s so worth it. Hugs

  533. A very wise woman shared a thought with me that I think of when my days are sad, or things seem overwhelming: “There are islands of joy in these seas of pain.” Cling to the joy and seek it out when you find the seas overwhelming. Many prayers and good thoughts for all – and for anyone reading this who needs to see it, you are important, and valued, and worth all the good things – that is my wish for you tonight.

  536. I was recently diagnosed with an form inoperable tumor. It’s scary, but the only thing I can do is enjoy each day I’m given. My prognosis is good, but it doesn’t make it less scary. Whatever is going on with you, I wish you strength and healing.

  538. Oh Jenny, so much love and hope for you and your family. Wishing you all strength and whatever it takes to get through this together.

  540. Sending all the good thoughts and light I can muster. You are loved, and you and your family are strong!❤💛💚💙💜

  541. Oh Jenny, I love you too, and I’m so sorry your family is struggling right now. I have no words that will make it better, so I’m sending you all the love, light, and healing energy that I can to all of you. I hope things will change for the better soon. ❤️

  542. I find you incredibly inspiring. I wish there were something to lessen the pain. I appreciate your loyalty to your fans and your family. Thank you for being you.

  543. 2019 so far has been an absolute dick to me. My cat and best friend and ruler of my house of 18 years died, I work at a dog shelter and we’ve lost 3 dogs, my cousin is about to die, my sister’s putting her dog down, and I just want to bubble wrap everyone else! I’m actually getting pretty scared at this point. 18 days in, and so much death.
    Jenny, I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I hope you can find some light and just let the love wash over you.

  545. Also sending love, and I hope you and your family come to a better place emotionally, soon.

  546. Sending so much love and light to y’all…..💕🌟💕🌟💕🌟💕🌟🌟💕💕

  547. All of my love to you all.

    I’m a mom whose daughter has been hospitalized three times over the past year for self harm and suicidal ideation. I have just been learning what I can and putting one foot in front of the other, being what she needs.

    I credit your books and your blog with bridging the gap between academic understanding, and as close to truly getting it as I can get. Thank you for all that you do. You and yours are in my thoughts.

  551. Thanks for your honesty and your brightness and your darkness. You have become one of my best friends in the weirdness and we shall probably never meet, even know I know we would be great just hanging out in a bookstore or a gun show or walking the glens of Scotland. Be ok, and know that not being “ok” is ok too…cause who the fuck knows what OK means…just breathe in, then out…then in again…repeat, repeat, repeat. Just BE. with love from the frozen plains of Iowa, I send my lunartic love, and I know the pull of the moon especially today. So as soon as I get this cup of coffee down and get my big girl panties on, I am going to go shovel out my driveway and go to work so others can have clean toilets and I will spread the light of you and for you. May Rory forever wave!! big squoodges to you and yours and anyone out there who needs one!

  552. if you not ok it just means you not at the end yet.
    the end of material life and the start of spirituality is the beginning of peace, love, tranquility, ecstasy ……… forever and all eternity.

    so we are all not ok
    Jenny you have taught me that its ok to not be ok
    but its not ok to be ok with not being ok

    thank you

    much love & light

  553. I love you so much! On days where you share a lot and on days where you can share very little. You are an incredible light in this world. My world. Thank you. I have you in my thoughts.

  554. Dear Jenny, whom I’ve never met – you’re a kindred spirit and my heart goes out to you. Depression is a beast. I’ve been down in that dark hole myself. There are things that help – time, medicine, therapy. Since those lost two cost money, I’m going to your shop to buy stuff. And, since I’m doing okay today, I’m sending my guardian angel over to shine down on your family. He’s awesome.

    (((((Jenny&family)))))

  555. I am so glad you are here, Jenny. You are such a wonderful person. You have helped me get through some really shitty times. I am glad that your family is together, and safe. I am sending warm, happy vibes, and healing for the parts that are broken. Love you too!

  556. Hang on tight, Jenny. You know how much you’re loved, and how much you matter. But you matter to yourself, too. And that’s the important part.

    Without you in our world (and in yours too) it would be lot darker around the edges, for all of us. Love you, lady. Don’t let go.

  557. Sending so much love and strength to you and your family. I hope everything turns out ok and know that we all love y’all tremendously! 💗

  558. You’ve gotten me through some dark times. My thoughts are with you. Take care of yourself.

  559. Even when you are not sharing, we are all with you. You’re funny and thoughtful and caring and you do so much for so many others, but most of all, you are YOU and there isn’t any other YOU anywhere. This world needs you in all your broken splendor.

  560. I’m sorry to hear that you’re having a tough time right now, Jenny. I hope that things get better for you soon, and you can start to heal from this difficult week. I also hope that your family is doing well. I’ll be thinking of you this next week and wishing you well. Good luck! Hug

  561. We all love you, and we will always be here when you need us. Whatever is going on in your life right now, you have thousands of people who want to help. Just ask.

  564. Thank you for this, for every word of this truth. Going through some stuff, too, right now, and as you said, it isn’t just my story to tell. And every day, all day at work, I have to hide the fear, worry, pain, guilt. Maybe the hours of fake keep me alive, I don’t know. But it is exhausting. I know you already know in your head that you are not alone, but know, also, in your heart, that you have so many of us accompanying you. And I will remember in the dark worry of the night, that someone out there understands. It doesn’t fix it, but it keeps me in the fight.

  565. Started to read this post, I thought I should say a few kind words to try and cheer you up.

    Finished reading this post, I ended up wanting to thank you for lighting my own darkness.

    Hug you Jenny, you rock. <3

  568. Over the years, I have watched my brilliant, academically gifted, cheerful, popular daughter slowly change into a withdrawn, dis-engaged, snarky 16-year old. Nothing we did seemed to bridge the isolation and suicidal thoughts. Professionals keep missing. Ultimately, it came down to me realizing I needed to get inside her head. After all, I am her mom. Several weeks ago, I clicked on an Amazon link and bought “Furiously Happy”. I think, it had been a promo link in an email; but, the raccoon on the front did it for me. I opened the book and began to read…and discovered my daughter. Inside these past weeks, we have built a bond that broke around 6th grade. A new and improved mother-daughter bond. When she allows me to take her hand and kiss her forehead, to give her hugs again, I know, we’ll be ok. I now know how she often thinks. How she is hiding what she really feels. I am beginning to understand her tells, when she’s crashing or panicking. Why she shakes uncontrollably when everything around her is going well. Weeks ago, I emailed her a short funny bit out of your book. She immediately responded. I started emailing her little snippets of your book during the day to help her keep perspective at school. Something to make her smile and refocus. I felt guilty, that I might be pushing the bounds of licensing, so I ordered hard copies of all your other books and a copy of Furiously Happy for her to keep. She won’t read them herself now, she waits for that lifeline from me to arrive via email around lunchtime during the day. The insight your book has given me – the ability to help my daughter in small, meaningful ways is beyond measure. I realize, I won’t be able to ‘fix’ my daughter; but at least, now, I can help her. I can advocate for her and help her get through the episodes. Weird is Good! Rory is our mascot now too. Thank-you so much for writing your stories down! You have an amazing gift to help and heal others.

  569. Never feel blue
    when we’re thinking of you!
    Sending you NM twinkly star wolf blood full moon sky so
    You’ll be stronger soon.

    Do NOT force me to send you cat photos and regale you with decades of cat tales (tails?), Missy, because you know I will.

    And always, always do remember while EVERYONE struggles, your stories open hearts and minds and cause folks who ordinarily would not do so to

    REACH OUT!

    Blessings ~

  570. Forgot to mention reading previous posts is really seriously giving me enlightened relief!

    ASAP please give a listen to Janis Joplin’s “Mercedes Benz” because that chuckle at the very end? That’s what it’s all about.

    Now get back to writing, you.

  572. @AmberB #453 – Amber, your post broke my heart. I hope you have someone you can turn to for help.
    Being unable to trust your family seems the worst betrayal. It really sucks, but remember: it is Not Your Fault.

    If your brother is nasty to you, rather than shut yourself down, shut him out. You don’t need that crap and if someone is squashing you like that, you will never be able to make yourself small enough to please them. Turn away from toxic people. It doesn’t matter if they’re “family”. Yiu deserve a family who will love and support you like you deserve.
    Eady for me to say, turn away from your family, but when they aren’t dragging you down, you’ll create your own true family.

    I hope it’s not that bad. Even if you fon’t have to cut them out entirely, you can reset the rules and not deal shen they’re being shitty.

    I hope you have access to professional help. As well, Captain Awkward sebsite is chock full of discussions on how to deal (or not) with tocic family members.

    Take care of yourself Amber. This internet stranger sends you love.

  575. Love always to you and yours. You have helped me so much through the dark times, and I hope to do the same for you. We are all here for you. You matter to me and to all of us.

  577. Jenny,
    Thank you for taking the time to let us know. Thank you for “checking in.” Thank you for your amazing sense of compassion, the joy that keeps fighting the darkness, your Divine sense of humor, and all the love you pour into everything you do. Take that love and ours and pour it back into you. I am imagining some very stressful event in your personal life has taken place. We grok your capacity to see the sun rise again; not just in another day, but also in your life and in your heart. Hold fast. Hold fast to everything good including us, and stare down the darkness till you make it and yourself laugh. We’ll stand, cry, scream, soothe, reassure and eventually laugh with you. Look what you’ve created with your sharing?! It’s beautiful.

    We love you in all our mad, really rational and sane ways, sister-friend. And we are here for you when you need us.

  578. When you’re struggling the most, you encourage us to check in on others. You are so caring and good and kind. Sorry for what you dealing with – we all love you.

  579. Jenny, you are what this world needs more of. Your words always hit home. I hope you find solace in this difficult time.

  581. So much love, respect and admiration for you, Jenny! I am so sorry for your and your family’s pain at this time. Know that you too are so loved. Your books have given me solace, perspective, and made me laugh when no person could. Sending you so much love and gratitude.

  582. Thank you for NOT sharing if it’s not your story, although clearly you are part of the story as you support your loved one. Write it all down if it helps you process and then maybe a way can be found to tell your part when things are not so raw. Until then lots of support coming your way from the interwebs!

  583. I love you. I appreciate you. I just returned from meeting my husband halfway between our home and Panama City, FL where he is rebuilding homes from the hurricane we had a few months ago. We camped and it was cold and miserable, but for the day we were together, I felt the same way: so overjoyed that we were under the same roof. Me, my husband, and our dogs. We slept on a twin matteress (all 4 of us…they’re pit bulls and weight 50 lbs each)…now I am back at our home, surrounded by memories of all of us together, and I am so sad and I just want him home.
    Anyways, sorry for unloading. I love you, I hope everything is ok (if not now, then soon).
    Love,
    Chris

  584. Jenny, still sending you hopes for added strength. We miss you. But take all the time you need….Take care of YOU first, then family, before you even give us another thought. We’re here for you whenever you’re ready to come back.

    Chris #583…….We have that in common, except my husband is at the NC coast repairing storm damaged homes. It’s been three and a half months now. He comes home about every other weekend. It’s been very strange living apart after 34 years of living together. The dogs go NUTS whenever he shows up.

    I wonder, if, NO, make that WHEN Jenny’s life gets back on “normal” rails, is there some way we could set up something through here where we could have a way of connecting with people who we discover have things in common like that? Not necessarily a forum type place but a way to PM through? I know, I’m asking a lot. It’s just a thought.

  585. Thanks for checking in. We worry. Know there are lots of folks who care what happens with you and will try to help in whatever way they can. Hope this next week is easier for you and will be interested in hearing what you have to say when you’re ready to say it.

  586. I’m not sure if you’re still reading the comments Jenny, or anyone else who needs support, but I hope things will get better. I’m sending all the love and kindness to anyone who needs it.

  587. You are not alone. And neither is anyone you know. It’s a lie that our brains tell ourselves when we are overwhelmed by the ferociousness of the Earth being hurled at us. Hang in there. Please.

  589. I’m so sorry to hear that you and your family are struggling. My thoughts and prayers and white light, and all that, are with you, and hopefully a little strength to help you and yours to get through this.

  590. Wow. There is an amazing amount of love being sent your way! One more here- sending you peace from the big white north!

  591. And when we sit so quietly, so sadly…so alone. We are never so connected. YOU have been our sunshine and our SUMMER and now lean on us – we can SUSTAIN you and maintain you and hold you dear – dear Jenny!

  593. You are ALL loved. You, your husband, your gorgeous child, and all your fur babies. We know them because you’ve shared them with us. All the good vibes and cyber hugs and well wishes extend to and envelope everyone in your family. We are all here if any of you ever need us.

  594. Pingback: Something Good | A Thousand Shades of Gray

  595. I don’t really know what you are referring to of course, but I suspect I do. We lived through the same thing six years ago. You never get over it. Ever. But with good therapy things can get better. We are now hopeful for her future. She’s doing well in college, etc. There is nothing to do except appear strong for her sake. Good luck and God speed!

  596. Sending you positive energy, strength and much love as you and your family fight through your current challenge. You are greatly loved and I wish you and your family the best.

  597. Sending you positive energy, strength and much love as you and your family fight through your current challenge. You are greatly loved and I wish you and your family the best.

  599. I so needed to hear this. I appreciate your honesty and perspective so much. Will be holding you and your dear ones in the Light. Sending love your way.

  601. Jenny, thanks for sharing your self with us. I should have told you thanks before now—haven’t ever commented before, but I go to your site often to feel encouraged. And now I keep checking back here lately, hoping to see that you’ve posted that you’re feeling better.

    Let your family take care of you, and know you have a world who loves you.

  602. Sending kind thoughts from Alberta, Canada.
    You don’t owe us any story/explanation – your privacy is respected.

  603. Please know that you and your family are held in white lights and positive energy way over here in Northern California. This great big world full of people can sometimes feel like the loneliest place, but you are not alone. We are not alone. And all of us are so important. If it helps to pass this along, feel free. Blessings…

  605. Thank you for being you and for sharing your story with us. If the current chapter of your story is primarily someone else’s story that you can’t share, we understand and respect that. Just keep checking in with us when you can, even if it’s to post pics of your pets doing weird pet things, so we know you’re still there.
    In the meantime, I’m making a conscious effort to more frequently check in on a loved one who I know is also having a hard time.

  606. Jenny we are here for you like you are here for us. Take care of you and your family and the tribe will be waiting.

  607. Fingers crossed that things get better soon. You are also important and loved. Sending love to you and your family. <3

  608. Fate whispers to the warrior,
    “You cannot withstand the storm.”
    And the warrior whispers back,
    “I AM the storm.”

  611. “If you could only sense how important you are to the lives of those you meet; how important you can be to the people you may never even dream of. There is something of yourself that you leave at every meeting with another person.” — Fred Rogers

  613. I’m late here but reading you, Jenny, has made me want to share when I felt as you have written.

    A few years ago the strongest, most resilient, independent, and capable person I know…my 16 year old baby…came and begged me to collect the sharp objects from her bathroom floor. It was a horrifying year from then on out. It’s still horrifying.
    I know that we share ourselves with those we know. i know we share the good and the bad. I wanted to completely break down because I knew my bad had precipitated this place inside her where she was unable to be happy or sit with herself or to find anyway to be okay.
    I had always said things would and do get better. I had always said time passes and things hurt less. I was wrong. She told me so and finally I was listening.

    She didn’t trust that I understood. She couldn’t explain her self openly for a myriad of reasons, but mainly, she didn’t want to hurt me. I held her and she pushed and ran out into the night. It was all unimaginable. We (her dad and I) texted and called constantly assuring her that we needed nothing from her and that she was wonderful and that we love her. Hours went by and she eventually returned. She went to bed and this began a whole new chapter in our lives.

    After a year or so of searching for a counselor, psychiatrist, psychologist…anyone who could understand and help and see what was and go from there…we finally found a woman who saw how intertwined we were/are. She saw that we seriously didn’t know where one of us began and the other ended. She saw that I had never in my life been aware of boundaries and that my daughter felt i was her responsibility and i felt she was mine and we both had it all crisscrossed and twisted in a way that our love was a bit strangling and unhelpful.

    It took more years and me learning a whole bunch about why relationships like The Gilmore Girls do NOT work and why my best intentions were often my worst. I honestly had no idea what I had done or what to do. First I learned what not to do….well, I’m still learning.

    A book helped enormously in the beginning for me and for daughter and me, “Losing Control and Liking It” by Tim Sanford.
    It’s written gently and from a Christian perspective which put me off at first, but gradually I allowed the Christianity to roll off me and much of it could be simply rewritten internally as how i love to overwhelmingly and too consuming-ly. I had had NO idea, The book opened my eyes and gave me possibilities and alternatives to the way I parented. It showed me a way to severe a bond that I clung to and then slowly build something new.

    I started controlling only myself and did not talk to my baby about her inner self or my guilt or my horror, no matter how much i wanted to be in that hole and live there until it was all fixed. I learned that that would merely grow in heaviness and sink us down further.

    It’s been almost four years and It’s been illuminating. That word seems to mean “all is wonderful now” these days and I do NOT imply that at all. It has been a journey and still is and will be forever as I just had no idea. I had thought that I was at least good at parenting. The woman who helped us kindly said I am, as I want so much for my daughter, and i want to have an ‘us’ that can work and be lived with…and be healthy.
    I know I sound like fixing us fixed my daughter. No. Reworking us has allowed her to have a “real” mom and allowed her to see herself as a separate person who then has her own responsibilities for herself. This letter is not about her journey or her healing or her life and how it changed, etc. That’s her story.

    At first I thought i would die from loss. Slowly I learned that losing and being separate are not the same. I actually discovered that my “way” of mothering had been an actual burden not just to our relationship but also to ME.
    I still screw up. So does she. But now we have a vocabulary and knowledge, and we can step back and see what is real and what matters.
    I can allow her to have space to work out things without me. That is one of the hardest things for me, I know most of you won’t understand that, but most of you have not picked up bloody blades from a white tile floor.

    Guilt. GUILT. OH MY GOD! GUILT.
    It was all consuming. Yes it still creeps in often.
    But I had to ask, “Had I known and still carried on with my “way?”
    Not intentionally, and if I had, I truly had had no idea what else to do. Now I remind myself to keep learning and to re-read the things that I drift away from doing or not doing. I remind myself that I am a mommy and what that really means vs what I think it means vs what I want. What I want didn’t work. What I want destroyed. What I am learning to do and be now has actually brought conversations and hugs and she wants to be with me and be “mom and daughter” more often than I’m even aware. I stay stepped back, scared and she pulls me in sometimes and that is true joy.
    Learning is forever. Mistakes are opportunities to learn and to remember. Guilt is a sign that something needs to be changed or to be worked on, it’s not a state of being or a way of life. It’s not a punishment. It’s not a penance. It is a warning light. Heed it and force change to override it.

    Keep learning.
    Keep hugging and holding and listening to your heart.
    No matter what, honest care and love are always right.
    Not control though. We don’t get to do that past the reach of our own skin. Nope! It’s apparently a slide into a muddy pit that is so sucky that getting out is practically impossible and then guilt pops in and makes slimy too.

    I’m certain that I don’t know your situation or your struggles. You said you were in the worst place in your life and this is mine…and it did get better but it’s been enormous emotional learning and rethinking.
    But
    It is better.

  617. The last few weeks have been pretty rough, both physically and emotionally for me. I won’t lie: my thoughts have strayed a few times to that dark place where I wonder if this daily, constant, never-ending pain (coming to a close of Day 5 of Migraine Hell) is really worth it. And then I think about all the stories I’ll miss, all the unfinished projects, all the goals I’d like to achieve, all the places I’ve yet to visit and wonders I’ve not yet seen…and even then, during the Fitzgerald hour, when I think of the things to live for and find myself in despair…Wil Wheaton posts a short video on Instagram. You write this post. My friend, who wasn’t going to move in with me until the end of March, is now moving in 2 weeks. Another friend visited this weekend, and I finally gave in and learned how to play Magic (goodbye dollars). Everything still hurts: the migraine, the back, the hips, the neck…but there is still joy and hilarity and love to counter that darkness. I love you, too, and you know what? If the world is about to end for real? I’m glad I got to read your blog and books; they’ve been a lighthouse to me, which reminds me of the Indigo Girls and their song “Virginia Woolf.” These lines most certainly apply to you, and to Allie Brosh, Randall Munroe, Ryan North, and to a poet on LiveJournal (c. 2005) who I only knew as Bethany S. and wrote poetry that held its own even when compared to the likes of T.S. Eliot, W.S. Merwyn, and Ranier Rilke…

    [intro]
    Some will strut and some will fret
    See this an hour on the stage
    Others will not but they’ll sweat
    In their hopelessness and their rage
    We’re all the same the men of anger
    And women of the page

    [verse 1]
    They published your diary
    And that’s how I got to know you
    The key to the room of your own and a mind without end
    And here’s a young girl
    On a kind of a telephone line through time
    And the voice at the other end comes like a long lost friend

    [chorus]
    So I know I’m all right
    Life will come and life will go
    Still I feel it’s all right
    Cause I just got a letter to my soul
    And when my whole life is on the tip of my tongue
    Empty pages for the no longer young
    The apathy of time laughs in my face
    You say “each life has its place”

  619. You are under no obligation to share specifics, but please know that when you’re ready to come back, we’ll be here. We’ll leave the light on for you. Sending love and light.

  621. I have been thinking of you and your family and hope you’re all well. Sending peace and love.

  622. There must be something in the air, because the last week and a half have been incredibly painful and challenging for my family as well.

    Many moons ago, my ex-husband made me watch this mountaineering docudrama in which disaster occurs, and one of the climbers has to cut the rope on his partner or they BOTH get pulled over the edge of the cliff and die. Except the guy who fell survives the fall and endures the most physically and psychologically crushing journey out of the crevasse, broken leg and in extreme pain, and manages to crawl for days to get out to help and safety. That guy said the only way he could make it was if he just focused on the next nearest thing to crawl to: “Twenty minutes to the next rock.” I hated getting tricked into watching those movies, but that line sticks with me whenever I’m struggling and can’t breathe or function. It helps, only a little bit, but every bit counts.

    Lots of love to you, Jenny. Twenty minutes to the next rock.

  623. Thank you for sharing so much of your life and so many of your struggles. Thank you for providing a window into your world. Thank you for allowing so many people to feel as if they know you and to form a deep sense of being connected.
    But please, please, remember this — YOU OWE US NOTHING. The choice of what and when to share is yours and yours alone. Your obligations are to yourself and to your family.
    As one small member of the vast tribe that has formed around your work, I am reminding you–and every other member of that tribe–that despite our affection we have no claim on you. Share what you need to, when you need to. In the interim we will all be pulling for you.

  624. Jenny, my heart goes out to you. I hope and pray that what ever turmoil that is happening now is resolved, peacefully, thoroughly and soon.

  625. I’m asking God to hold your family in the palm of His hand and rain down blessings and healing. You’ve carried us for so long, and now it may be time for us to carry you awhile. We love you and we understand. No matter what has happened there is a reason for it and it may be years before you see what that reason is. If you can’t let go and trust a higher power, trust your community. We are surrounding you and your loved ones with the armor of love and positive thoughts. We will get through anything together. Stay strong, Jenny. You can do anything you have to do.

  626. Something I know from having worked at a Clinic for some time that TOO MANY people seem to not know is that Patients have Rights! If you don’t feel comfortable with a doctor, or their diagnosis or their treatment plan… you can ask to see someone else. You tell your insurance to switch your providers. You can request a second opinion.
    Certainly, it’s wise to be very careful how you phrase that you’re seeking a new opinion with the new provider- because if you’re nasty about it they can become clannish and side with the other doctor. Doctors aren’t perfect, they’re human- that’s why they call it “practicing.”

    Good luck to you Jenny. You are a light in the wilderness. I hope others can be the same for you.

  630. Hello everyone… I am reaching out because I am really struggling right now. I just made a huge life decision that some would argue many people would kill to have, and yet my depression and ESPECIALLY my anxiety is making me feel like I made the wrong decision and that I have ruined my career. My stomach has been in knots and I just want to crawl into a cave. I keep telling myself I am going to be ok, but I just don’t believe it. I feel like I made the wrong decision. Has anyone else every experienced this?

  632. Thank you. Thank you today for what you’ve done years ago, days ago, today. You are a living, breathing harbinger of hope.

  634. keep shining, and keep doing the good work, because i know exactly what you went through this week here. and i hope the good people that helped you are still helping your family.

  635. We love you Jenny. Hugs, the really good kind where you can feel the love, to you and your family.

  636. Pingback: I’m struggling. | Hebrews 13:2 NIV Don’t forget to show hospitality to strangers, for some who have done this have entertained angels without realizing it! EASTER 2019

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