I’m back?

in more than meets the eye

Okay.

So.

Wow.

Turns out it’s really hard to write about emotional things and even harder when they involve someone you love whose privacy you want to protect.

If you read my last blog post you know that the last few weeks have been really awful for our family.  You also know that I can’t share details because it’s hard when things live forever on the internet and unfortunately there are still stigmas that linger today.

One day I will write about it though because it’s important.  And because I have been flooded with emails and DM’s from people who could read between the lines and have been through the exact same thing.  And they think they’re alone because they don’t share the details because they also want to respect privacy.  And that’s wonderful.

And terrible.

It’s wonderful to respect the people we love and protect them from the world.  It’s terrible that so many people are struggling.  It’s wonderful to know that we are not alone…that it’s something SO, SO many families deal with.  It’s terrible to know that so many of us battle this in the terrifying quiet of our houses.

One day, perhaps a few years from now, I’ll write about this.  Maybe with the help of the person I love.  I suspect this will be a very long story one day, and one that may help others.  I hope by the time I write it I will have more answers than questions and less fear and doubt in myself.  I hope that last week is the worst week of my life…that it gets better from here.  I hope…no…I know that every day is a step forward and a new opportunity.

Here’s what I’ve learned that I can share with you:

  1.  Depression in me doesn’t always look the same as depression in you.  Seemingly happy, outgoing, successful people can have it.  And it can be really confusing and painful to them because it presents in such strange ways that they don’t realize that they’re dealing with it until they are in a dangerous state of mind.  Depression in kids can look different than depression in adults.  Depression in extroverts can look different than depression in introverts.
  2. Everything you’re dealing with that you think is the worst thing that has ever happened to anyone?  It’s happened to people you know and love.  It’s happening now.  You are not alone.
  3. There are amazing tools available that can make an incredible difference.  Medication, therapy, etc.  There are brilliant people who will rescue you who want to help.  You may not know them yet.  You will meet them.  They will save you.  And you will save someone else.
  4. People are fighting much harder battles than we know.  Be kinder than you have to be.
  5. There are bad resources.  There are bad hospitals or doctors or therapist or tools.  There are good resources that are bad for your particular needs.  You will go through these as you look for help.  It’s okay to say, “This isn’t right.  I deserve better.”  You do.
  6. Communication is important.  Love is necessary.  Compassion and laughter are key.  Cheesecake is great.  Hindsight is 20/20.  Doctor Who reruns are medicinal.
  7. It is a gift to take care of someone you love.  It is exhausting and terrifying and guilt-inducing and it is the greatest gift I’ve ever been given.  Reach out to the people who love you when you need help.  I promise you they want to help.  And if they don’t understand, call the suicide hotline.  They can help.  They’ve helped me.
  8. It’s okay if you make a mistake.  We’re born to make mistakes.  Keep trying.  It’s going to be okay.
  9. You’ll get through this.
  10. You are not alone.

Today is the first day in a long time that feels normal.  I think (I hope, I hope) that we’re on a good path.  My family is safe and this morning we ate breakfast together and laughed.  We have each other and I’m so grateful for it.  I’m grateful for you too.  For listening…for understanding…for being there.

I’m crossing my fingers that the next blog posts will be back to the silly and irreverent ridiculousness.  I’m ready to get back to normal…or as close to normal as I’ve ever been.  I think we’re on the right path.

Thank you.  I love you.

I don’t have a good graphic to add here so here’s a video of Hunter S. Thomcat doing a hurtfully accurate impression of me:

View this post on Instagram

Catspreading.

A post shared by Jenny Lawson (@thebloggess) on

348 thoughts on “I’m back?”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Really feeling for you right now Jenny. The key point I took from your list is that it’s okay to make mistakes. We are perfect. We weren’t born perfect. We learn from our mistakes. Thank you so much Jenny for being you.

  4. Hang in there. We experienced more as a family this past summer than I ever thought we would, but we’re still chugging in there. xo

  6. That’s the thing you never hear. There are SO MANY BAD RESOURCES. Either because someone had to graduate at the bottom of the class, or because they’re not a good fit. Getting help can be really hard.

    But I will tell you this: the struggle is all the more worthwhile when you find someone awesome.

  9. I have #4 printed and posted in two different places at work, and I’m thinking I need them posted in all the places, everywhere. Sending y’all love and healing energy✨💕

  10. Sometimes it is all just so HARD. But you keep taking it one single step at a time and you keep loving and caring and trying. Wishing you and your family continued safety, wellness, and love.

  13. I love that you’re feeling safe enough with your family to be back in this space. Thank you for sharing. Be kinder than you have to be. What a wonderful thing to strive for. Thanks for putting it in my head you are a wonderful contributor to my well-being!

  16. I am full of sorrow thinking about how people may not realize or may not ever fully understand just how much of an impact they can have on others, including strangers. I feel like I know you and I love how you share all of the silly and wonderful things with me. I feel like I know your husband and I love how he brings you back the most awesomely odd things from his travels. I feel like I know your daughter and I love how she sings, smiles, and lights up every photo she is in. I feel like I know your dad and I love how he is a witty and gentle soul. I feel like I know your mom and I love how she is genuine and thoughtful. I have never met any of you, but you are all a part of my circle and I love sending positive vibes and energy your way. Thanks to all of you for sharing yourselves with me.

  17. We’re all so glad you’re back, but please don’t rush back on our account! We’re all thinking of you and your family and want you to take all the time you need. We’ll wait for you, I promise, good lady. I know we’re all pulling for you and we miss you to pieces, but that’s okay! 🙂

    If you never had the inclination to be funny or irreverent ever again, I know I would still love you. You’re worth more than laughs to me. <3

  18. I was just thinking about you literally minutes ago, worried that I hadn’t seen any more updates recently. I’m sorry that your family is going through this, but glad that you’re going through it together, and that it sounds like you’re finding the right resources. Sending love and strength to you all. You are all beautiful and special and unique and worthy, and we need you all in this world.

  19. Sending so much love to you and your family…I hope each day gets better for each of you. Also I TOTALLY agree with your point #7 – it’s a gift to take care of someone you love. Helping my husband get through his cancer diagnosis and god-awful (but eventually effective) treatment 12 years ago was horrible and exhausting but still wonderful. Thank you for everything you do. You are awesome.

  20. Hugs for you and your family. Thank you for educating and sharing light even when it’s dark.

  21. I am so glad things are better for you. I hope they will get better every day. Just remember there are a ton of us out here supporting you, rooting for you, willing to wait as long as you need because you are the light that gives many of us hope. I hope our pale reflection of light back to you helps. Or something like that. Just take your time. We’ll be here. We’re not going anywhere.

  26. I’m so glad to hear everyone is doing well! (Or well-er than before.) Continuing to send you love and light and dreams of pizza.

  27. I just want to send you a hug. (((hug))) Whatever the circumstances were, I’m sorry you and your family had to battle it, and I want you to know that we’re here for you 24/7 – like your blog and books are for us. Two way streets and all. <3

  28. <3 thank the Universe you all are safe. Our love surrounds your family. You, Victor, Hailey, Dorothy, Hunter, (oh shit, what’s the name of your other cat?) your parents, your sister and her family. <3 <3 <3

  31. You’re not crying – I’m crying! Still praying for you and your family. I’m glad you got to feel some joy today.

  32. Hoping everything healing and positive comes to you and your family. Hugs to everyone. We’re all broken; that’s how the light gets in. And totally agree that Dr Who is medical!

  34. All you have to do each day is survive.
    Whatever helps you do that is the right thing to do at that time.
    Even if others disagree or struggle with your choices.
    When the place where you stand is strong enough to support the weight of another, that’s when you reach back and hold the hands of those behind you, helping them to be where you are.
    That’s when you can all look ahead and see the horizon.
    Until then, what you do is survive.

  37. you are a light for so many people, just know that we are all here shining our own light to you in return. Love.

  38. Keep going Jenny we’re here for you when ever you need us. I’m so sorry your family is going through this. On a side note Hunter S. Tomcat is giving me life with that impression

  39. It’s incredibly hard to handle watching a loved one struggle. My 11yr old has started having panic attacks and I can’t help but feel responsible for his mental health issues. He was never gonna be normal with a mom as cray cray as me! Watching my baby struggle is heartbreaking. But I also know I’m probably the best to help him deal with it, I wish you all the love, light and support you need for your family to heal and get better. You have been an inspiration for me for a long time, touched my heart when I needed it most. Time to lean on your BloggessPals now and let us be an inspiration for you!

  40. I too deal with bouts of depression. There is a pod cast out of Minnesota, “The Hilarious World of Depression”. I listened to your interview recently Jenny. It is a program to recommend to those who often find themselves going the ‘Rabbit hole’.

  41. I’m glad you’re back and that life seems normal today. Baby steps. And whether your share your story in public or in private, know that you and your family have a world of people supporting you every step of the way. Love & hugs from Casper, WY.

  44. Sending love and strength and healing and more love. Sending love and strength to your family.
    Thank you for always fighting and reminding us to keep fighting. You make everything better.

  46. I admire you being so open. These last two years for me and my family have seen lows that are terrifying and there have been moments as a mom that I just took things one breath at a time.. hoping and praying and desperately searching for the right help for my kids.. each of whom had different things occur .. some were a parents worse nightmare. But I found the right help and things are finally getting better.
    Don’t give up
    Don’t give in
    It does get better
    But sometimes it goes in a zig zag sort of way.

  50. All the love, darling. And omg, that big happy purr from that big beautiful ginger kitty! 💜💜💜

  52. Thanks for sharing what you can. I hope you will be able to write about it in the future as I’m sure it will help so many other people. Sending loving thoughts.

  53. We love you. We love your family. As someone who spent countless hours and actual whole days on the phone with a daughter who was 1700 miles away and who didn’t want to go on because of a childhood trauma understand fear and love. I hope for love and clarity for you and yours.

  55. Sweet Jenny. As always, your writing helps to ease suffering in those who are lucky enough to have found you. I hope that the act of writing also helps with your own. To cite the wisdom of our granddaughter, “we love you all the time.”

  58. Thank you. I have been worrying about you and yours and am happy to hear that things are coming back to normalish. There seems to be an extra bad funk in the air that is excerbating my ability to keep my anxiety and depression in check. Having your list is a good reminder.

  59. I was afraid I knew what was was going on but I did not want to pry.
    Best wishes to your and your family

  61. Hope is sometimes all we have. I am also feeling fairly normal and have also been battling depression on and off for nearly fifty years. It is good to know we are not alone, even if we don’t always feel that way. Glad we are both doing better these days. We’re all in this together.

  63. You and your family remain private individuals at all times. Your friends and your fans are bound to be curious, but you don’t owe us anything. Nothing at all. Instead we all – EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US! – want you to be as happy and settled as you have tried to make us be. Carry on in power, Jenny. We love you.

  64. Love you Jenny and my heart is with the ones you love ❤️ I hope last week was the worst of it and I hope that today and each forward is filled with tiny victories and tons of love

  65. I have been terrified that the thing I think I’m reading between the lines is real, and I am so relieved that things are seeming to go the right way. I hope things continue going up. Hugs for everyone.

  66. I have been terrified that the thing I think I’m reading between the lines is real, and I am so relieved that things are seeming to go the right way. I hope things continue going up. Hugs for everyone.

  67. You are very loved. Thank you for such a beautiful post. So many of us are having to learn these things. Just know, whether in pain and darkness, or love and light, you rock, Jenny. 💙

  68. I’m glad that the immediate crisis is under control. Love to you and your family (who I think of as an extension of my family…) <3 I hope that it helps in some small way to know that you have a clan that’s wishing for the very best for all y’all.

  69. I hate using the whole “thoughts and prayers” cliche but you’re in them. Those of us who have been through what you’re dealing with are right there beside you and your family in spirit. We’re cheering you on and giving you a shoulder to lean on during this tough time. It’s so hard but it gets better. <3

  70. Love you Jenny and my heart is with the ones you love .. I hope last week was the worst of it and I hope that today and each forward is filled with tiny victories and tons of love

  71. I completely get everything you are saying. And I mean everything. Sending much love your way and I am so glad that you have a beautiful family, a fantastic daughter, a supportive husband, and all of the tens of thousands of people world wide who love you and are grateful to you for what you have so generously give to us every time you post. Thank you, bless you, and I love you. You and your loved ones will be OK. We will all be here for you and for them.

  73. Just want to send you and your family so much love #youarenotalone #DepressionLies

  74. May love and support from us here provide a source of hope, positivity, and even humor for you. You’ve been here for us when we needed encouragement, and though we are not personal friends, know that we are ready to support you how we can.

  77. When I read your last post, my heart sank because I suspected what was happening. Based on this post, I know my gut was right. I’ve been just outside the inner circle of more than a couple of families who’ve survived this. Every word you wrote is a call to pay attention, especially to those who ‘look’ just fine and more specifically to young people who’re saying all the right things but are acting a bit off. Sending love and hope to all of you.

  79. Never try to be someone else’s idea of perfect. Who you are on the inside is the true you. Don’t let anyone else dictate your happiness or define you. You are amazing and unique and you matter, above all else, you matter. Say these often, share them, believe them and when someone tries to tear you down, use them as your shield.

  81. So happy to hear things are improving. We deal with depression in My family. It’s tough. Tough doesn’t even come close. We love each other fiercely. I have been the “sane one” for my loved ones. I often didn’t feel sane at all. But really and truly when we get to the other side and please remember there is always another side if you hang in there long enough… and The other side is so beautiful and so full of love and appreciation for each other all around. You just cannot everrrr give up. Continued prayers for you and your family. It is a privilege, and a love like no other when you take care of another human being.

  82. Everyone deserves to be valued; more importantly, everyone deserves to hear it. Your family unit has brought so much fabulousness into the world and so many appreciate it. You’re doing it right just by being. 💕

  83. My son is still very young, but as someone with my own mental health issues remembering that depression presents itself differently in children, and in different people is so important to me as he grows.

    Thank you for sharing these important reminders. You don’t owe any of us any explanation, but I am grateful for your sharing what you can. I am grateful that you’re all together, that you’re all safe, and that things are looking up.

    Big love to you and your family.

  84. Love to you and your family, Jenny. You’ve been in my thoughts and I sincerely hope the worst is over and you’ll be back to silly as soon as feels right, for your sake, as well as for all of us who love cat videos and Dorothy Barker as writing partner and all the rest of the Bloggess shenanigans that brighten our days.

  85. Thank you for sharing the view outside looking in. I know what depression looks like in me. I missed it in them. I was too far away? I missed it for MONTHS. I thought everything was fine, because they said it was ok. It wasn’t. It’s a hard lesson for both of us, but they have discovered they are not alone. We have wonderful friends that are helping both of us. Therapist, doctors, all these people want to help too. I told them they needed to read your books,because that’s laughter, and laughter is the best medicine.

    You are not alone. Together, we will battle this.

  87. We love all of you. We are here for all of you. We are always here to listen or help.

  88. You are SO RIGHT that depression looks different in different people, and those differences can mask a diagnosis and/or slow treatment. I would know–I’m an extrovert with depression, which confuses most people. They’ll say “How can you be so depressed you can’t come over for dinner? Just yesterday I saw you out dancing at a party!” But people don’t get it–depression looks different for each person. Sure, I can go to a party, but still feel dead inside, and have to spend the next day in bed recuperating from said “party”. Anyway, thanks for sharing your experience Jenny. Whomever is hurting in your family, we know your pain and we’re on your team! There is hope!

  89. Thank you for sharing whatever you’re comfortable with sharing. Sometimes it’s the smallest thing that is the most useful and impactful. I feel like I’ve dealt with pretty much any traumatic experience there is at this point in my life and the one thing that’s always held true is that as long as I’m living there’s always a chance for things to get better. It may only be better for one second out of the day but as long as I’m breathing I get to have those small bits of light in my life. Sending you and your loved ones loads of extra love, hugs, and appreciation during this time.

  90. I just read this on Facebook and I just thought it was the sweetest story. Keeping you in my thoughts & prayers as you bring more positivity and light to people’s lives than you can ever imagine!! Consider all of us your Poohs and Piglets.

    It occurred to Pooh and Piglet that they hadn’t heard from Eeyore for several days, so they put on their hats and coats and trotted across the Hundred Acre Wood to Eeyore’s stick house. Inside the house was Eeyore.

    “Hello Eeyore,” said Pooh.

    “Hello Pooh. Hello Piglet” said Eeyore, in a Glum Sounding Voice

    “We just thought we’d check in on you,” said Piglet, “because we hadn’t heard from you, and so we wanted to know if you were okay.”

    Eeyore was silent for a moment. “Am I okay?” he asked, eventually. “Well, I don’t know, to be honest. Are any of us really okay? That’s what I ask myself. All I can tell you, Pooh and Piglet, is that right now I feel really rather Sad, and Alone, and Not Much Fun To Be Around At All.

    Which is why I haven’t bothered you. Because you wouldn’t want to waste your time hanging out with someone who is Sad, and Alone, and Not Much Fun To Be Around At All, would you now.”

    Pooh looked and Piglet, and Piglet looked at Pooh, and they both sat down, one on either side of Eeyore in his stick house.

    Eeyore looked at them in surprise. “What are you doing?”

    “We’re sitting here with you,” said Pooh, “because we are your friends. And true friends don’t care if someone is feeling Sad, or Alone, or Not Much Fun To Be Around At All. True friends are there for you anyway. And so here we are.”

    “Oh,” said Eeyore. “Oh.” And the three of them sat there in silence, and while Pooh and Piglet said nothing at all; somehow, almost imperceptibly, Eeyore started to feel a very tiny little bit better.

    Because Pooh and Piglet were There.
    No more; no less.

    A.A.Milne
    E.H.Shepard

  91. Cheering so hard for all of you and continuing to send love and strength. From what you’ve been able to share it sounds like a different page of the same chapter I’ve lived with family members. I hope things continue to improve, you often provide a bright spot for so many have tough times, I hope you have a you, if that makes sense. Ben and Jerry’s makes some mickaas dairy free flavors that are totally medicinal too!

  92. I’m so glad that you were there for your family and the ones you love. That you are feeling like things are looking up is even better. And I am especially glad that you know your tribe is behind you, providing all the support we can without invading your space. Keep being you, because you are awesome.

  93. I love you! I am so glad you have been able to come through the other side. Depression is a NASTY demon. Hugs to you and your family. Heal, heal well. and EVERYONE heal heal at your own paces. So much love.

  95. #1 is so true and not discussed enough. It was true for me and it took years to figure out. If it hasn’t been said lately: you are a good and loving mama. Just in case you needed to hear it. Er. Read it.

  96. Blogs by people with depression help me, because I love people with depression, and sometimes I need to hear a perspective that’s like theirs but not from them.

    But I haven’t seen many… any?… blogs about how hard and scary it can be to love someone with depression. Until now.

    And that’s why I’m sitting at my desk trying only to weep and not sob.

    They’re good tears. Well not really but it’s good to feel seen enough to let them out.

    Thank you. I see you too.

  97. I’m struggling and it’s hard. I too watch my loved one battling it out and pulling me in…but then there will be a moment – a sliver of light that reminds me of who i need to be…who i want to be. You are one of those slivers of light – shine on you crazy diamond! (petting you under your chin)

  98. sending hugs and love and light. Thank you, and this was helpful to me. I am trying to be proactive and prevent the bad things, but I needed to hear this, I can’t always fix, but I can always listen, and hug and love.

  99. So so true !! It manifests differently in everyone. My daughter really blindsided us her freshman year of high school, and now 6 years later I wish I wouldn’t have reacted as I did
    But it is a journey, you learn as you go. Love and hugs (And self care mama

  100. I keep in touch with my daughter, and even though she says things are fine, I always worry she just can’t tell me (even though she’s really honest and open with me). This isn’t because I see her struggling, it’s just because I had/have so many mental demons and I’m afraid she’ll “inherit” them! Your post(s) have always helped me and given me ways to talk to her so we can all stand in the light and fight the damn darkness. Sending you and your family all the healing light and love possible! Hang in there, we love you!!!

  102. I like that you are not alone is #0. That is means it is absolute. Your posts help me. Thank you and prayers for you and your dearest.

  105. If I could (using the video of Hunter S. Tomcat as inspiration …), I’d reach out and lift your chin so I could look directly into your eyes and say, “You’re perfect. I love you. I’m here if you don’t want to talk yet. I’m listening when you are ready.”

    Your message to us was inspired and accurate. I’ve had several therapists. I remind others that they are only human. If the therapist you are spending time with doesn’t ‘hear’ you, get another one. The right person is there. Trust that it will get better … because it does.

  106. You have helped me so much, now let your fans give you love and hugs. Thank you a Jenny for your wonderful books. Much love. Kay Sullivan.

  107. You are here. I am here. We are here. You are NEVER alone.

    Thank you for sharing what you have shared, even though details are not something that can be shared. I have suspicions, but I respect you, your family, and all of your privacy, so I would never pry. Do what you and your family need you to do. You do you.

    All I can say is, you are SO incredibly loved, and by extension, so is your family. So while you and your family were encircling in a covered wagon train of protection, you were also being surrounded by the even larger one that we created around you folks.

    Much love, Jenny. <3

  108. I’m sorry that your family is going through whatever this is, and I’m glad you seem to be in a better space right now.

  109. Jenny…Please know that there are so many people out here praofor you and cheering you on. You are such an inspiration for being brave enough to share your pain. Stay strong, keep fighting and take care of yourself! 😘

  110. Glad you are making it through and although I can’t say I know what you are going through. I can say thatI do care and know that you are are an amazing human and have helped so many others.
    Take care and guard what you need to

  111. I don’t often reply, you have so many beloved followers, yet…this post. Yes, we are NOT alone. Thank God and whoever you might believe in. Depression is horrid and strikes everyone in any situation and is freaking scary. Bless you for your care.

  112. I have my suspicions of what is happening and it is sad and terrifying and I have no right to know. I love you with all my heart and I know that if anyone can help a lost and pained soul along this journey, you can. You have all my love and light and positive vibes. <3 <3

  113. I woke up one morning in 2002 not wanting to live. Just out of the blue, for no reason. Heart racing and in a cold sweat, I just wanted to die. I had a lot of trouble finding a doctor that understood the seriousness of my condition, and I went 8 nights with absolutely no sleep, clinging to the hope that, since it had come on suddenly, it would leave the same way. I should have called the suicide hotline, but didn’t. Finally, I got medication that helped, and eventually I found the right mix of medications that returned me to normal, but the fear is still there. I’m not sure I could survive it again. Jennie, you have both my love and my admiration. What you have been thru is much worse than my experience because you’ve fought it over and over. You’ll never know how brave I think you are. You are truly my hero.

  114. Hang in there Jenny, and hold your family tight in love. I hope the storm ends soon so you and your loved ones can bask in the sun.

    You are not alone. Your family members are not alone. None of the Bloggess Army are alone.

    Sending you love and hugs and cheesecake xxxx

  115. Supernatural is my go-to depression lifter. It doesn’t hurt that the Winchesters are so pretty.

    Hang in there. You are doing this. Even though it feels like we’re drowning in the Iron Man triathlon, we’re actually treading water. It doesn’t feel like we’re getting anywhere, but we are still afloat.

    Be good to yourself.

  116. Light and love to you and your family, Jenny. Thinking of you daily and hoping that the roads smooth out, even if it’s just a tiny bit, so you can get back on track. Unless you prefer a confusing, curvy track of course. If that’s the case, rock on with your bad self!! 😄💕💕

  117. Thank you for writing about this. I’ve been trying to follow your example and write about the hard stuff without trespassing on the stories of the ones I love unless/until they want their stories to be told. It’s a hard balance! Am thinking of you and yours and wishing you all the very best!

    This is a list I shared on my personal FB page about the lessons I’ve learned over the past six years of spine surgeries, autism struggles, and mental health issues. It looks a lot like yours! We learn the most when we embrace the struggle (even though it really, really sucks!).

    •Sometimes things never get easier; you have to figure out how to find your joy/peace anyway

    •It’s ok to admit you’re vulnerable and accept help; in fact, there is something sacred that comes from that act

    •Don’t hesitate to tell your truth, even when it’s not pretty; people learn a lot more from your willingness to talk about your struggles than you realize

    •We don’t ever stop learning and growing; resistance is futile

    •Find your people; they’re there, but you have to be open to letting them in

  118. My daughter was in the hospital her entire 14th year. It was exhausting and gut wrenching and frustrating and we learned who the good and bad resources are. My husband and I separated bc it was the last straw in our already strained marriage (strained even more bc he is the only one of the 5 of us with no mental health issues) Where we are now compared to where we were a year ago is unbelievable. I just kept Adele’s lyrics “hello from the other side” as my mantra. Yep, ask for help, even if you think it will kill you!! It hasn’t yet 😉

  119. Such wisdom from one so young. Thinking of you and your family. Amazingly, a friend just posted this quote on Facebook. Seemed apt. “The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.” (Elisabeth Kübler Ross)

    You’re beautiful. Remember that.

  120. Thinking of you and your loved ones. It’s such a true public service to remind us all that we are not alone, especially while going through such difficulties yourself. It’s easier to be kind to people when I remember that everyone has pain, we all just cover it with different veneers.

  121. God bless us, Everyone! The hardest thing I have ever done was try to help someone and not be able to. I hope and pray you, yours, and me and my own find the light in the clogged clouds.

  122. You are always loved, just as you continually pour your love on us. I picture us all holding one another’s hands and trying to keep each other safe. xxx

  124. Thanks for just letting us all know you’re kind of ok. You don’t ever have to share specifics for anyone. Yes, we need more awareness of mental illness and erase stigmas about talking about it, but that doesn’t mean YOU have to be the one to do it every time. Sometimes things need to be kept close, and that’s ok. Much love

  126. Well, high functioning depressives are terrifying. I’m glad things are back on track to a better place for you and your family. I too know about going through tough things that I can’t talk about publicly. I am glad that you felt supported.

  127. I am sending you special “little red dress” vibes right now because I so get it. So much love to you and your family. Thank you for showing up when you can.

  128. I agree with so many of those comments above – Your family feels like our family. We care, and we love you all, unconditionally. The darkness is scary, but we’re never as alone there as we think we are. I hope you all can heal, one minute at a time.

  129. As hard as it is to go through depression directly, my experience has been that it’s harder and more terrifying to watch someone else struggle with it. We have strength and love for you as you’re helping to hold up your family. We hope that you can feel that you’re under our protection, and that you can lean on us when you need to.

  130. So much love to you and yours. I have the utmost respect for your wanting to respect your loved one’s privacy. As one of those who feels as though they can read between the lines, I still appreciate the update so that we all know that everything is okay. I’m going through a similar situation, and knowing I have your kind words and journey as a tool to share with my loved ones means the world to me. <3

  131. So much love to you and yours. I have the utmost respect for your wanting to respect your loved one’s privacy. As one of those who feels as though they can read between the lines, I still appreciate the update so that we all know that everything is okay. I’m going through a similar situation, and knowing I have your kind words and journey as a tool to share with my loved ones means the world to me. ❤

  132. hugs it breaks my heart to hear someone as wonderful as you hurting the way you are. But I am so, so grateful that the person you love has you to love them. I have no doubt that will be key in their healing.

  135. Heart emoji. (I can’t believe I am the only one of your commenters who lacks the where-with-all to figure out how to put one in the comments) <3

  137. As soon as I saw Hunter on your Instagram I knew things were better. I’m so relieved for you. Hugs.

  139. Heya, Jenny ❤️❤️. We’ve got your back. Sort this is happening, hope it gets better soon! If anyone you know needs a good inpatient facility, UNI in Salt Lake City, UT took amazing care of me. Might be worth a trip if it gets bad enough. Or not, what do I know lol. Just know you’re all loved!

  140. It’s always the people that look like they have a great life that surprise me and I know it shouldn’t. I know that depression doesn’t care how much or how little you have. So please reach out, we are here, you’re not alone.

  143. I’m so glad things are getting better and I hope it continues for many many years. I have had several incidents in my life where as a mother, I had to deal with difficult situations and I think I know how you are beating yourself for not knowing or seeing what was happening. My experience has been that people can be very successful at hiding themselves behind a facade and you can’t always tell what’s going on inside. Give yourself a break, be as kind to yourself as you are to others and when all else fails, snuggle an animal. My brother’s dog has been part of my healing team over the last three months and he’s an important part of my recovery. Hugs and love to you all!

  144. Just read the last two entries … can I say I know how hard it is to write this stuff … and how grateful I am that you have to courage to do it? Lots of Love & Light to you & yours!!

  146. “When you can’t run, you crawl. When you can’t crawl, when you can’t do that, you find someone to carry you.” So glad you could be there to help carry your loved one, just as your loved ones have carried you at times. Please pass our love on to them, and let them know we are all rooting for them, and that this weird, wonderful tribe is here to welcome them when they are ready to share their story.

  149. I don’t want to be negative when you’re happy and I’m truly happy you’re happy! I was worried about you. But I mean… How do you know it’s going to be ok? You don’t, do you?

    And maybe I’m not actually alone but really aren’t I alone? It’s a nice thought that we’re not alone but I don’t think it’s true. And do I deserve better? Are my mistakes ok?

    I think you wrote this to be a pep talk to those of us who need it — I’m going to ponder it. And I hope you do write more.

    I’ll give you cheesecake though, cheesecake definitely is awesome, 🙂

  150. Thank you. I’ve had the worst 5 months of my life and I feel like I will Never get better. It feels like no amount of meds or therapy can fix me if I keep trying and seeing someone I admire, like you, trying and struggling and possibly succeeding makes me feel like it’s worth it to keep up the good fight. 💖

  152. Jenny, I’m sitting at my desk at work fighting back tears because this resonated with me so much. Almost two years ago I nearly lost my youngest son to a suicide attempt. Other than doctors and therapists I told NO ONE (although my husband was there), not even my best friend because it was so horrifying. I felt like if I talked about it, the situation became real but if I didn’t talk about it, it was just a terrible frightening nightmare. I also wanted to fiercely protect his privacy, and didn’t want this event to define him in some way. I suppressed all of my emotions so I could help him through it – months later when he was better, everything – all of my fear and overwhelming guilt – bubbled to the surface and I ended up in therapy myself. PLEASE make sure you take care of yourself too!!

    Thankfully he’s in a much better place now – he’s in first year university and doing well so far, although I still worry tremendously about him. I am so incredibly grateful that he is still with us.

    Wishing you and your family much love during this difficult time. <3 <3

  153. Sending some <3 and hugs to you and yours! Know that having you(and your family) still here on this earth means so much to so many. It’s so hard to remember that others are walking in the dark, even though it seems like we are the only ones there, remembering that if we can just reach out through the dark, we can touch another heart, another hand and hopefully find some one who makes the journey through the dark a little less lonely. <3

  154. Thank you for sharing the painful experiences and helpful information, it means so much to others experiencing similar journeys. Sending positive vibes and prayers that you and your family continue down this better path.

  155. I’ve struggled with depression my whole life. I’m used to it, and I’ve learned to manage it. It’s harder watching my 14yo struggle with it. Kids in his school (and some teachers) are assholes, making it so hard for him to keep going. I just check in with him regularly, talk when he can talk, and just hold him when he can’t. I’m hoping that he’ll get to a place where he can learn the things he needs to manage it, and it’s terrifying as a parent knowing we can’t fix all the bad things. But I’m grateful that he talks to me, that we have that relationship. Hugs of solidarity, mama.

  157. I’m baking you cheesecakes in my mind, lots of them. Sending them off with off with lots positive vibes, prayers and love. ((((Hugs))))

  161. Wow…”I’m hoping last week was the worst week of my life” I said that just a few days ago -my teenager is going through something awful and I’m just so thankful that she asked for help. I tell her not to be ashamed that she needed help or that she has a mental illness- it makes her the amazing person I love. I tell her- tell your friends the real reason you’ve been out of school- they might be afraid to ask for help and you could save their lives. Thanks for sharing your story- it’s so important. …and now I’ll go back to eating my feelings because cheesecake really does help 🙂

  162. Love to you and your loved ones coming out of the storm. Hope you are stepping into peace and rainbows.

  163. Have survived (I think!?) two hellish events in my family. It can take a while to feel better. You can only help someone else if you look after yourself too. 💕😊

  164. Cheesecake, Dr Who reruns and kitties for everyone! Echoing everyone’s messages of love, encouragement and metaphorical hugs. While it’s awesome to hear from you again, please know that we understand that sometimes it’s necessary to step away from blogging and social media for a little while. It’s ok not to be funny, especially when you and those you love are struggling. We’re in awe of your bravery and honesty – thanks for being you! Normal is overrated but here’s to family, friends, love and laughter. And breakfast – I’d eat breakfast any time of the day or night :-).

  165. I empathize with you so much. You and your family are demonstrating astounding strength, resilience, courage, and tremendous grace while you move through this journey. Sending all of you many hugs, love, prayers and healing thoughts during this time.

  166. My husband asked me today, “Did you ever find out what’s going on with Jenny? Is everything OK?” We all care so much because we feel like we know you and your family. Many of us have found our greatest support networks through House Bloggess and the Double Unicorn Success Club and the #BloggessTribe and the Church of Bloggessianism. Your tribe loves you and your family and wants only happiness for you all. And there are a lot of Momma Bears out here who know that nothing on Earth or in the entire universe is more important to a mother than her child. Come back to us if you want to and are ready to or need to, but don’t ever feel like you HAVE to. <3

    PS: Your PO Box is probably overdue for a pickup about now.

  167. So, I know that you know that I don’t share all your views politic-wise, but we sure have a ton of family stuff in common. I have 2 bios, 10 steps, one hubby, and amongst them and our exes: there are blind, autistic, genderfluid, gay, depressed, anxious, OCD, bipolar, suicidal, eating disordered, addicted, borderline personality disordered, narcissists, and more. I would LOVE to talk to you about the beautiful and awful in our family! No pressure though. And I’m not asking you to tell me anything. I just have a lot of people I love with a lot of stuff.

  168. Also, sending you all love. And take care of YOU and YOURS. Don’t worry about the tribe, we are here for YOU at this time. That’s how it works.

  169. Also, watching someone else suffer is way harder than enduring your own stuff, which is kind of good, because it pops you right out of your own head and into care mode, but also bad because OUCH. Deepest pain there is right there.

  170. All I know to do is send love and positive vibes. Depression is a monster that stalks me everyday and I understand the hopelessness and sheer pain. I’m rooting for you and the person you love.

  172. Lots of love to you and your family. It’s so strange to feel alone when you really aren’t. So many struggle every day. Hang in there.

  173. Take as much time as you need..especially if what I think is going on is going on. Hang in there. We love you. Keep up the fight…it’s worth it in the end.

  174. I’ve struggled with anxiety my whole life. In high school, depression appeared, too. Around 17, I went through a series of very difficult things, and the depression grew. The dangerous headspace appeared. My mother saw me hurting, and she offered to get me help. I refused. I don’t remember why, now. Maybe because I thought that meant I was broken. She didn’t know what else to do; coming from a family that didn’t talk about such things, coming from a place where she was struggling to get an understanding of her own mental health didn’t help matters. Things got worse. And then, they got better. For both of us.

    My point is largely this: everyone in your life is exceptionally lucky to have such an understanding, caring, and empathetic person who knows. Who gets it. And we are all lucky that you put your words out there. They’ve gotten me through many hard times since high school, and I’ve used them as jumping off point to discuss my struggles with others. They’ve helped me to make myself understood. You’ve helped me. Thank you. I wish you and all your loved ones the very best.

  175. My son Dave died by suicide coming up on 3 years, he had terrible depression after his wife left him…and now I suffer from anxiety..we get it and you and we are here for each other….

  176. Sending loads of love to you and yours. Because you share, I am being vigilant with my teenager who is in the middle of a very anxiety inducing point of highschool. Thankyou for giving so much to us all.

  177. I want to thank you for sharing what you have been able to share. Even though I know first-hand the pain suicide causes because my wife killed herself a couple of years ago, seeing how this affected you made me ask for help instead of doing something to hurt myself in the wake of my fifth miscarriage this week.

  178. My anxiety makes me think that I am always going to say the wrong thing and my depression tells me that too. But I had to overcome that because I want to tell you that you are a wonderful person, wife and mother. I am so grateful that those closest to you are able to get the help they need. Your openness and presence is such a help to the world and those of us that also wrestle with our brains. Sending all the positive thoughts and energy I can muster.

  179. I’m not going to pry into your situation, but I’m so glad that things are improving for you.
    In the ‘misery loves company” or possibly the ’empathy can only be found in the dark’ subjects.
    I’ve had a hell of a year also, considering me, my spouse, and my dearest friend all earned our PTSD diagnosis in the same month, all for different traumas, I can also vouch for how important it is to reach out, hold on to those you love, and keep looking for solutions until you find the ones that truly help.
    I’m hoping the best for you and your family. Especially Hailey, because being a teenager is ALWAYS hard, but she is blessed with parents who love her and accept her.
    I know we only met once, but you’re in my thoughts and I care.
    I hope it keeps getting brighter.

  180. Praying for you and yours. Thank you for sharing. Means a lot to many. God bless.

  182. I cannot guess what you are going through right now, but I can feel your pain. I applaud you for you for admitting you were having a problem. I have lived with a son with major depressive disorder who blames me for his disease because he thinks it’s all my fault. He has at times been suicidal and thank god he is not right now. Enough about me, I am sending YOU love through the magic of the internet. Take time and take care of yourself and your family.

  184. Put your left hand on your right shoulder, your right hand on your left shoulder and squeeze: HUG! Love you, miss you, will wait forever!

  185. Much love to you and your family. We’re here, whether or not your posts are lighthearted or heavy.

  186. Ah, life. It does suck for more folks than people realize. BUT, the sucky parts are temporary hurdles. Every time a situation arises, and the demons wake up, I remind myself of the old saying ‘this too shall pass’. Then I whip out the coloring books, cute cat videos (because we are allergic to them and can’t have real ones), and my Looney Tunes DVD collections. If those don’t help, I call a friend, and cry for an hour or so. But, I am convinced there are better days ahead. We love you and will always be here for you.
    Yours sincerely, through writing and everything supportive,
    ~Cara Krzyzanowski~

  187. Thank you for this post. I’m sending love and hugs to you and your family. One baby step at a time.

  188. Love you Jenny. Thank you for sharing, because you are right, it helps to know that I am not alone in my struggles with depression. I hope that tomorrow is better for you and those you love and the next day better than that. I’m glad you have people who love you with you.

  189. Not sure why but randomly, Beyonce the rad rusty gal popped into my head yesterday.

    It made my day then and it cheered me up yesterday. Thank you, you instigator of fiendish snort laughing! So pleased things are looking up with you, La Bloggess.

  190. I love you and your family and your stories and your honesty. Thank you for all you share – please know how much you have meant to me and have helped me through my own struggles. I am eternally grateful for you.

  192. “Everything you’re dealing with that you think is the worst thing that has ever happened to anyone? It’s happened to people you know and love. It’s happening now. You are not alone.”
    Our children, teenagers, young adults… NEED to know this. Thank you 🙂

  193. Like all the rest of the commenters, I am sending so much love to you and your family and anyone else here in the tribe who could use some. I know I can.

  194. So much love to all of you. So much light and love. It is true that this is an intensely personal journey, so what works for some of us won’t work for others of us, and so on. But we are all worth it.

    It will get better. It will. ❤💛💜💚💙

  195. Hugs and thoughts and most importantly, I send any woman I know dealing with depression to this blog so they know they aren’t alone.

  196. We love all 3 of you. Sending you warm fuzzies and stuffed squirrel kisses. ❤️

  197. Sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel isn’t a train. (Thank goodness!!)
    Sending love, light and joy to you and yours.

  200. Me too. My son was diagnosed with Bipolar II at age 18. Horrible guilt that I didn’t recognize it because I have MDD and dad has Bipolar II AND I’m a social worker.

  201. I can completely relate. It’s so hard to go through something this profound, and have to keep it to yourself for the most part to respect the privacy of a loved one. Just know you’re not alone. And you’re getting those of us in the same boat through some hard times. So keep doing what you’re doing and I hope the journey gets easier.

  203. I would be more than happy to send you via some fabulous cheesecake delivery system a cheesecake a month. Depression is HARD. ANXIETY disorder is almost impossible to explain. Much love to you and yours.

  205. Thank you! I know I’m not alone, but it sure helps to be reminded. Much love to you and your family.

  206. You have done so much for so many of us by word and deed; you and your family feel like a part of our family so I hope you feel all the love and support we are sending. Wish I could hug all of you!

  207. I may only know you through the Internet, but you’ve helped me through hard times, and you’ve helped some of my closest friends through hard time.

    I don’t know what might be going on, but you are NOT alone. You’re not the only one facing this Goliath, and we’re all rooting for you… even if we’re not sure what we should be rooting for. Best positive outcome is what I wish when I’m not sure what I’m wishing for, and I wish that for you. <3

  208. I LOVE YOU AND HAVE SO MUCH EMPATHY AND SYMPATHY FOR YOU
    I LOVE YOU AND SENDING YOU GOLDEN ENERGY
    XXXXX

  209. thank you for sharing what you can. Most of us who read and follow you understand this sort of thing. And have been sending good thoughts, prayers, etc to you. I almost bought you a really creepy clown doll that I saw in a thrift store. hugs

  210. I LOVE YOU AND HAVE SO MUCH EMPATHY AND SYMPATHY FOR YOU
    I LOVE YOU AND SENDING YOU GOLDEN ENERGY
    XXXXX

  211. Thank you for being you and sharing, Jennifer. My family is currently in the same position and it always helps to k ow there are others who are moving forward and helping others along the way as well. You are very much appreciated. I’m keeping you and yours in my thoughts everyday. XO

  212. I felt the need to check in. How strange is that we get to feel like we know you so well just through your writing that we feel the need to “check in”. I hope you know that we send you all so much love and light in whatever it is you are dealing with. You have been a bright spot in some really dark times for me, and I feel like we need to send you that back in droves.

  213. you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. You are stronger than you know. You will never be alone. I am sending love, hope and peace.

  214. I’m so glad you are in a place of healing and moving forward. I can’t imagine what you just went through, but the community you have helped build is amazingly supportive! Sending glitter to the universe for you!

  215. I can’t add a anything new to what so many have said. Love and hugs and all the best to gou all. Praying for all the things you need to be there right when you need them. Thanks for being you. We need you.

  217. Thank you for your bravery and courage. Every time you come forward and speak the truth you heal all of us. So grateful. “We are all just walking each other home” – Ram Dass.

  218. My oldest daughter is going through some shit with postpartum depression. I gave her your book. I tried to let her borrow it from Amazon or whatever, but she came over an I just let her take my paperback edition. I was going to just buy her a copy from Amazon. I have bought this book three times..well worth it. I have no idea if my Nook even works anymore, but it is for sale for anyone who is interested! But I digress… I hope it helps her. I told her depression lies and weed can help with that shit! Okay…I may be a bit buzzed..not on weed…hell I gave that to my daughter,,,I do like alcohol…who doesn’t? Wow, this is long…sorry to anyone who has to read it!

  219. Love and hugs to you and your family. I hope every day continues to be a little better than the day before

  220. It sounds as though everyone has the opportunity to try again tomorrow. Can’t get better than that. Blessings to you all.

  222. Love you. We are a family here and I’m sending you hugs from Florida. We can do hard things. ❤️

  223. You and your family are such a gift to me. I treasure your posts and I’m glad you’re feeling like things are starting to get “normal” again. You are loved.

  224. Thank you for your wise words of wisdom. Wishing you & your family happier times as the days & weeks pass.

  225. Thinking of you and your family and hoping you’re getting the love and support you deserve. Sending wishes for peace, love and light.

  227. So thankful to see the catsplaining today, elated to read your post. You owe none of us anything but know that we sometimes live and breathe your life because you’ve graced us with that. That does not obligate a thing, but thank you for the update.

  228. My son experienced severe anxiety/depression his freshman and sophomore years of high school. You articulated in your list many of the things we learned on that journey. My son was brave before I was to talk about what happened. We were so vulnerable for the year or so after. He recently came to speak at a group I co-host for parents to offer support (mental health issues are a public health crisis for kids let’s face it) and someone asked him the most important thing they can do and he said make space and time for your kids to share their emotions with you. So true that the people that look the happiest or the kids getting the best grades or that are the busiest are the best at hiding their feelings. Bless you and your family, glad things are more steady this week.

  229. I am glad that the person whose privacy you are protecting is still there to be protected. That person is lucky to have you. We are lucky to have you. We are lucky to have that person.

  231. #1 on your list is so true. “The Liar” doesn’t always present as a made-for-tv sad-looking person lying in a darkened bedroom. I’ve started talking to people about my own experiences. I hope it helps them feel free to share theirs.

  232. So glad for this update, so happy you are feeling better. My dad always told me when I made a mistake “that’s why they put erasers on pencils” he was right. I hope you all felt the love this week, I know reading the posts from your followers really touched me. They say the internet is a scary place and yes, it can be, but what a wonderful group of followers you have. 💝

  233. Oh Jenny. My heart goes out to you and your family. If what happened is what I think happened, I’m truly sorry you all had to go through it. Stay close, stay strong, encourage openess. And you’re right – there is BAD mental illness/medical care out there. And they don’t take responsibility for their mistakes or your loss.

    And stigmas suck! My family and I are working here in MN with NAMI in memory of my (gay) son to stomp stigmas and raise the awareness mental illness desperately needs. If you’re interested, check us out at http://www.nickelopenfund.org.

    Much love, Lori

  234. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
    Sending you so much love – you got this!

  235. I am right here, with you. My loved one has been in hospital-based treatment twice since Thanksgiving. This has been and is the hardest time in my life thus far, even having survived childhood trauma myself cannot compare to this current darkness. Prayers, light, and love to you and your dear ones.

  236. You are loved! Phew made myself dizzy scrolling thru all the love so I could add my own. Wow. You really really are loved.. thanks for being you!

  237. ((HUGS)) to you and your family. Someone else mentioned that we are your families tribe too – it’s true. Please let them know that we are all cheering for them and wish them nothing but the best. Love to you all of you!

  242. Bless you in your struggles and your family too in what you are going through together. And it sounds weird but together does make it better. I spent 6 months with my dear Mother as she suffered through cancer and was with her when she died. My daughter is going through cancer treatment now and family and friends surround her with love. Not going through this alone is so important…and even if we are all faceless faraway friends we love you. You enrich our lives. Thank you. Keep swinging!

  243. Wonderfully written Jenny. I’m making my hubby read it. He just doesn’t understand. He thinks depression is only sleeping all day and crying all the time.

  244. Can’t help but “read between the lines” and I so hope I’m wrong. You and your family are in my thoughts. And yep, gotta agree about the cheesecake. Three weeks ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer and the first thing my sister did was send over 3 pieces of yummy cheesecake. It’s hard to cry and eat cheesecake at the same time. I have surgery and a long treatment to go through, but I will be fine. I hope everything continues to improve with your loved one, and I’m so glad things are on the right path to “normal.” You are not alone.

  246. It is absolutely so important to pass along to those who are in the grip of depressing that 1. Depression lies and 2. There are so many things bad resources out there. Additionally, sometimes it takes time to find the right medication, sometimes you have to fight insurance companies for the therapies or treatments that you need. It is so hard to fight for your life when a part of you is convinced you shouldn’t be alive in the first place. I think the way I got through it was a therapy group I was a part off and a really dark dark sense of humor. The first three or four therapists that I saw were so laughably bad that I couldn’t deny that every human on the planet deserved better, including me. It was so frustrating and infuriating.
    My depression first hit in my early 20’s and I’ve survived three decades. It doesn’t get easier, but you learn that depression isn’t the end. It is just a really shitty storm you have to endure, but endure you will. Find what works for you in terms of self care. In the begining I made collage after collage. I wrote poems. I read poems. I listened to a lot of Tori Amos and Suzanne Vega. Now I sing to my dogs and binge the Great British Baking show. This time of year is often very difficult for me and just getting out of bed is a victory.
    I’m running on and on and I hope I’m making sense but I’m just trying to reach out and just give anyone who is newly diagnosed to hear from someone who is further down the road and let you know that you’re not alone and that you will find your way. You can and will find the help you need and you can endure.

  248. Same details, different pattern. Same pattern, different details. Both are far more common a possibility that most — even, sometimes especially, the professionals — acknowledge, believe, or recognize. I’m so sorry your family fell into that trap, but so, so grateful you still have each other to find your way out of it and through the rest of the minefield together.

  250. I love you Jenny, and your family, too. Thank you for letting us know how things are going.
    I pray that love and peace wrap themselves around you and comfort your wounds.

  251. Jenny and Family,

    Like everyone here, I wish I could do more to help. I add my support to everyone else’s, and my admiration for the depth of your strength and the extent of your generosity.

    I’ve printed out your list of lessons. I wish I could have it printed out on cards to give to everyone. It speaks volumes that in the midst of your own troubles, you have taken the time to push the world toward greater kindness and grace.

    I believe you and your family will get each other through this incredibly painful experience. As much as we can, we’re here for you.

  252. Yes, done the same, not talked about it because of privacy. So hard. So very, very hard to go through. It’s never left me and it’s been 3 years. We do all suffer in silence, thanks Jenny for speaking up as much as you are able to. The internet is good, but it’s also bad for that very reason, breaking privacy and long-term stuff. Dr Who has gotten me through a heck of a lot too. xxx

  253. I needed this pst today, Jenny. Not that I wanted to read anyone’s post about depression/suicide/therapy/ lessons but I’ve learned WAY more than I ever wanted to in the last 6 weeks with my own, very often super happy family member. It sucks. It’s hard and it hurts thinking that while I am doing all of the things I can and have now learned to do, there may be times that it isn’t enough and that while I may want to fix it, I can’t. I’m hurting for you and for me and for every person out there going through all of these things. I wish we could all have a giant hug session, eat ice cream and then watch ridiculous animal videos and be “fixed”. Thank you for sharing and I’m sending you all the best thoughts and hopes.

  254. Thank you for the update and kind words, for taking us all along on your journeys. I hope you’re buoyed a bit by this wonderful collection of souls that you’re brought together. Much love to you and your family.

  258. Thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart to the tips of my toes and the top of my head. I’ve been wrapping you all in love and light as I also do the same with some of my own people.
    Thank you.

  259. This post brings back dark memories that are never far away anyway, but it’s also a reminder of the incredible power we each have to be a lifeline to someone you love, or even to a stranger.

    So, so happy that things are getting better for you! Thank you for sharing your hard-earned lessons. They’re spot on, and will give some people a little extra help to keep fighting while giving people who love them a little more understanding.

  261. Since this coincided with my own withdrawal from social media, i am reading this cold and uninformed. I do send good juju to you and yours. My grandson, at 10, threatened suicide at school. My world was torn asunder, more so than losing everything i owned to wildfire 2 years later. Shattering, debilitating on every level. So i send love and strength and laughter through tears for all of you.

  264. I tried to kill myself at age 9, I was still actively suicidal at 13, I was hospitalized at 19 which was the first time my family found out. It was so not helpful I and my parents eventually got a written apology from the director of the hospital .It was a guy I met in the psych ward that got me through it, a guy with bipolar who had been through decades of struggle and had the perspective that this is an illness, the same way as cancer, or an infection. You absolutely have that perspective.

    My dad has depression too and he blamed himself for passing it on. But he also passed on his empathy, his creativity, his wryness, his love, his humor, his problem solving, his sincere inquisitiveness for anything and everything that could be learned. I would take depression and those traits over simplicity and stability and mundanity.

  266. Yeah, I have a life thing but it’s not my situation but someone elses. I don’t talk about it because it’s their thing even though it directly affects my life. And quite often it become a bit of a burden, I want to shout, I want to lose my temper, I want to be horribly depressed but I don’t have the time right now. Hopefully everything works out for you, Hugs!

  268. Sending you and your family so much light, love, and prayers for strength and peace. Never forget that you are a badass warrior and that your tribe has your back. You are so loved. You are not alone. We see you.

  269. I just realized what’s so “familiar” about HST- he is the same color as Winnie-the-Pooh. Put a too-small red t-shirt on him if you don’t believe me.

  270. (USA) I can tell you that when the police yelled at me and bullied me that RAINN believed me and helped me. They are available 24/7 at rainn.org where they’ll text-chat with you and then find you local resources to other people who will believe you. 800-656-4673
    If you and your family are safe and you’d like to help others, please donate to support them. They are the real thing.
    I wouldn’t be here today without their intervention. To me that’s a big deal.

  271. Love you for your honesty and the fact that every word you wrote was straight from your heart.

  272. Jenny, thank you for posting this. I’ve been so worried. I’m glad things are back on track and I hope they stay that way. I hope your family finds healing in your love for each other, and knowing that there’s a whole army of people out here who adore all of you and are rooting for you all.

  274. I have saved this quote for years and referred to it over and over during my darkest times. I thought you might find it worthwhile too.

    “Always remember that beautiful experiences and massive amounts of love are on their way. If you are able to feel pain and sadness this profoundly, more than most people can ever imagine, remind yourself that you can feel happiness and joy and love this profoundly as well, and that’s our little reward as depressed people. We feel things harder than other people do, and when those things are negative they are complete and total torture. But while we feel pain harder than other people have to, we feel beauty and joy and love harder than anyone else gets to, and that’s the victory that’s waiting on the other side of this pain for you. Hang on. Be tough. Better times are coming. Beautiful things and loving people are already out there, and when this cloud passes you get to experience them all so, so deeply.”

  275. Every 13 minutes someone in America commits suicide. Think how many more who TRY to aren’t in that statistic. Every 13 minutes. If that’s not an epidemic I don’t know what is. We can find ways to make a difference.

    Project Semicolon is just one place to start.

  276. Items from 1 through 10 just nail the whole issue, totally. Thank you for your sharing a recap that I will save and print out, so I never forget. Love to you and your family.

  277. Much love and hugs to you and your family. Having two daughters with mental health issues, one with bipolar disorder, I know that it’s really hard when someone you love is going through a crisis. It really has brought us together though – all the struggles have shown us how much we fiercely love each other. Having gone through the worst moments of my life, the happy, contented moments we have now are deeply cherished. It does get better.
    big squishy hugs

  278. i come to your blog for two reasons. The first is for the blog itself, your funny and real (i’m sure this is the first your hearing of this). The second reason is the reply section. This is the only site I have found where the comments are full of love and goodness. It restores my faith in the human heart over and over again. I love you Jenny and I love your tribe. My thanks to both.

  279. Sending vibes of strength to you and your family. A new normal happens and it evolves and continues to change and your heart will ache but be full of love and the watchful eye never sleeps but the little things, the tiny mostly overlooked things become big and they bring joy and we cling to that. And we watch. We love to a depth we didn’t know we were capable of. We find a voice we didn’t know we had. We feel compassion in our confusion of mixed emotions we only thought we understood. And we will always watch. Xoxoxo

  280. Love you, Jenny. As someone who experiences depression and also cares for a family member with crippling anxiety, I couldn’t agree more with your observations. So glad your family is safe and that you’re here for us. Know that we are here for you. Be blessed.

  282. I’ve been there… Twice. And you’re right. It is the scariest thing I’ve ever experienced as a parent or as a human. It’s been two years since the last attempt but it’s something I think about all the time. I know you don’t know me, but you once DMed me when I reached out with questions. If there is anything I can do or if you are just looking to hear from parents who have made it through the other side, please email me.

  284. Doctor Who is my security blanket. There is always a way out or through, no matter how desperate a problem or situation may be. ❤️

  285. Sending good thoughts to you and your family. I wish my past self had a family as supportive and caring as you all are for each other. I know your family has the strength to carry on.

    Y’all are in such a good place right now, due to the ever-present love you show each other — and that’s not something to feel guilty about. Everyone suffers differently, and you already have enough experience with that for a dozen lifetimes. I’m always thankful that I have experienced the lows in my life, because I made it through and gained the strength to ask for help and help my loved ones when they need it.

    You never need to tell us what happened. You’re allowed to keep that information held closely for your own family. It’s enough that you already share so much of yourself, and for that we are grateful.

  286. Jenny, I’m sorry for what you’re having to go through. I understand how hard it can be to blog about loved ones you want & need to protect publicly. I bought anonymously for YEARS while my kids were in school, because I’m Pagan, & I know how dark things can get with religious persecution, and & I also knew that there was the possibility my kids could end up in that cross-fire if I didn’t keep things anonymous for their safety. Sometimes, you have to retreat behind the walls, regroup with the troops, heal, recharge & rejuvenate, and make sure that the safety of the family is ensured, in every way. Physically, mentally, emotionally. We’ll be here, standing watch outside the walls for you, always ready to bolster the troops.

  287. As echoed in just about every sentiment, love to you and your family (including the furry ones). “Never give up; never surrender.”

  289. Welcome, welcome back. We never left, so whenever you need to be elsewhere, go do that as long as you have to.

    Your list of lessons is so right. The bad therapy/ therapist thing is true with a vengeance. When we were floundering around, hurting, terrified, wondering how the hell we fell into this trench warfare with rats, lice, wet rotting socks, and those screaming bombs, we didn’t even know what we needed and when things weren’t helping, we couldn’t judge. What if we were so bad that nothing could help? Of course we felt like everything had been, and would always be, our fault.

    Anyway. Keep on, and take that laughter whenever you find it.

  290. I can only assume what happened to you, but 2 weeks ago we got the call that our son had been hospitalized after he called 911. Thank God he had the strength to call for help. The feeling of panic being almost 9 hours away and absolutely no way to contact him. He’s military so we were completely at their mercy for information. He doing better, but its such a huge long uphill battle with very little short term relief. I keep copying and pasting links from your blog and emailing them to him. Thank you and I’ll keep you in my thoughts.

  293. Thank you! <3 For writing what you’ve written, for not writing what you’ve kept offf the internet, and for sharing all of this information with everyone. Depression is a huge part of my family’s daily life and I truly understand and appreciate everything you’ve shared.

    We love you Jenny <3 Thank you!

  294. Hi Jenny. We lost our 20 year-old son to suicide in 2017 and wish he had told us about how he was feeling, but he kept his depression from friends and family. Keep talking and keep listening – I know you will xx

  295. Jenny, I know this will get buried and you may never see it and that’s okay. If it helps anyone, then I’ve done ok.
    This is the first year since 2015 that I’ve felt ok in January and I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. It has always been things with my oldest child. In 2015, she tried to kill herself. Things only escalated from there and last year, she was in and out of drug rehab. I never know quite how to talk about it to people because her story very much affects mine. After being in that place for so long, I’m a little shell shocked. It tested my marriage. It tested my faith. I am not far removed from the other side. I still feel it so deeply. Talking to someone (a counselor) sooner would have helped me over a lot of the humps. I buried my feelings believing that I was doing something noble for my daughter and it wasn’t.
    Anyway, I’ve got love for you. I hope you all come out of this okay and that you’re remembering self care is important to taking care of anyone else.

  297. Thank you for sharing your story. I know you know how much it helps others, but I want to say it again. It helps so much to know none of us are alone in trying times and the way you express yourself helps the rest of who don’t have your way with words. Reach out, reach out, reach out. This statement is as much for me as for anyone else.

  298. We look forward to the day you are able to make a TED talk out of this experience to reach the world. Until then, gentle loving care to you and to all who suffer.

  300. I was just going to contact you to make sure you were ok. Hang in there. Awkward hugs to your whole family.

  301. Sending warm thoughts and hugs! You have been an inspiration to me and have made me laugh when I am struggling. Thank you for sharing your story.

  302. Just stopped by to send love and hugs from me and mine to you and yours. You’re not alone. Never have been, never will be. Love, R

  304. Sending lots of love & hugs to you and your family !! Your writing is one of the things that I consistently go back to when I need a reminder to be furiously happy in the face of the anxiety and depression when they try to creep back up. You are not alone, in fact you have amassed a pretty large army of fellow weirdos that are just trying to get through the day using their sense of humor.

  308. This week has been an absolute belly crawl with one punch after another coming at me and my loved ones. I’m just now weaned off a medication that was providing some support but side effects were too much. I forgot just how hollow I felt at this point. I got you. You got me. We all got each other.

  309. I am the “smiling” depressive so this spoke volumes to me. I don’t think I have ever left a comment on a blog in my life but you touched my heart (and now have made me want a cat)!

  311. God bless you and your family. And Hunter’s purr motor. That may be the best sound on Earth.

  312. I’m relieved to hear from you. Was starting to worry after 6 days of crickets. Glad to hear you are on the path to “normalcy”. I’m sorry you are going through the wringer now. It will get better. I hope H is ok. Sending monkey hugs.

  314. I have never commented before, but I felt the need today to push past my own social anxiety about posting a comment to say that I am thankful for you. And I’m so relieved to see your post today. I’ve been so worried. Your post reminded me of two quotes from songs in the show Next to Normal that have always resonated with me and have given me hope in hard times:

    From “Maybe(Next to Normal)”
    “We tried to give you a normal life
    I realize now I have no clue what that is
    I don’t need a life that’s normal, that’s way too far away
    But something next to normal would be okay
    Yeah, something next to normal
    That’s the thing I’d like to try
    Close enough to normal to get by
    We’ll get by, we’ll get by.”

    From “Light”
    “And you find some way to survive
    And you find out you don’t have to be happy at all,
    To be happy you’re alive.”

  315. Sending love and light and gratitude!!
    💕🌟🥰💕🌟🥰💕🌟🥰💕🌟🥰

  316. Sending all the warm, happy, loving thoughts I can your way. I suspect that what’s going on there is similar to some things going on here.

  317. Jenny, we love all of you so very much. I won’t ask you to ever share details that you don’t want to. But please, do write about this, in detail, just for yourself. Then password protect that document. Reread it or not. Edit it later, or not. But please do, for your own sake, write it and save it away. Because someday, believe it or not, you’re maybe going to need……or want…..one of those details and wish you had it. And if that happens, relying on memory is gonna suck worse than having an account you CAN refer to, if you need it. Don’t add not writing it down to any list of regrets.

    Okay, that’s my two cents worth.

  319. I don’t know how to comfort you and your family. I wish I did. I only know that you have comforted me more times than you could possibly know. You have saved me when I wasn’t feeling worthy of saving. I lurk, never posting. I participate in the James Garfield gift giving, but I never post or respond about it. You have given so many of us so much. If there is anything I can do for you, I am at your service.

  320. Hugs. You’ve got this. Put on your red dress, see the powerful person you are and take care of yourself and your family.

    https://www.mentalhealthfirstaid.org

    I just took this class a couple months ago as a requirement to maintain my foster parent license. It’s all about how to recognize people in a mental health crises, and ways how to help. Mental health needs to be ok to talk about, ok to get help, ok to be discussed like any other health issue. I can’t recommend this class to enough people. There are resources, there are things anyone can do, and they help you identify when and who you can call.

  321. ❤️ I have been there. I know. The note. The icy terror. The frantic calls. Searching. Then. Blessed relief. Oh my god the relief. And the tears. So many. But. What might have been. Paralyzing fear. That fragile dawning awareness. Of Ignorance. Of Guilt. Of Anger. And inevitable guilt for the anger. But Love. So much love. Need. Support. Fear. Helplessness. Support. Watchfulness. Love. Hopefulness. Love. Oh, and one really tasteless joke that we all pretend never happened.

  322. You and your family are loved, Jenny. The hope and healing that you have put out there into the universe is coming back atcha.

  323. Every time I read your blog I get comfort. My daughter also came out to me and I had a imilar reaction. She struggles with anxiety, ocd and depression. She is also a teenager has all that extra crap to deal with, along with bitchy, crazy, and just plain unreliable “friends” that can’t handle her lows. Thi. Is. So. Hard. But you make it easier by letting me know I’m not alone. Thank you. And let’s hope this bullshit gets easier and better for our strong girls and for us. ❤️

  324. Thank you for sharing. When we are going through bad times it’s so hard to remember that if we hang on, breathe and keep moving forward things do get better. Sharing with loved ones, laughing and loving are difficult to remember to do when we get stuck in our heads, and we need to be reminded sometimes. You will be in my thoughts.

  325. Jenny,
    So here’s the deal.. I don’t know if HEAVEN exists, but if it does, when it’s time, you’re heading there on an express train because of all the love, joy and compassion you share with all of us and others all around you. This world needs TRILLIONS more like you.

  328. I can’t tell you enough what you have done for me and my family. I have been very open about my own struggles with anxiety and depression because of you. And because of that, my daughter has been able to share her battles as well. Thank you so much for your bravery, honesty, humor, and writing. Thanknyou for being my inspiration and motivation. Thank you for being you.

  329. I definitely agree with there being BAD RESOURCES as my daughter and I have both experienced this. We have both recently found resources that fit our own unique directions and work with our passions: My daughter- being involved in playing her music (French horn, trumpet, marching band, symphony, etc…) and studying history, and receiving therapy at the college she is attending; myself- anything with my chickens, garden, and fishing and receiving tela-therapy.
    You give me hope in being able to throat punch depression even during the bad days. I hope the situation you, your family, and those close to you are experiencing heals.
    “Even a seed needs to break before it can grow.” – Anonymous

  330. I’ve been thinking good thoughts in your general direction, white light, prayers, virtual hugs, anything that might soak in and help you and your family. Right now, I’m reading Stephen Hawking’s ‘Brief Answers to the Big Questions.’ I disagree with some of his reasoning, but especially with his list of big questions, so I made my own list. It’s cool to think about the Universe and all its complexities. That was Hawking’s forte. But I want to know, more than anything, why there has to be so much suffering in the world. It runs deep. It isn’t spread out evenly among us. And no one escapes unscathed. The worst is when everything looks okay on the surface but it isn’t. So, thank you for encouraging us to be honest, get it out into the open, and even find ways to laugh when we don’t feel like it. You’ve given us a gift.
    You guys take good care of yourselves. You deserve it.
    https://julie-brown-gzx7.squarespace.com/config/

  331. You and your blogs are important. It doesn’t matter whether they are silly and irreverent ridiculousness or serious. Thank you for reminding us we are all alike in many ways. We make mistakes, are loved (even when we think we are unlovable) and matter. Gentle hugs, prayers, chocolate, mindless tv (necessary at times for a distraction) and much cheesecake to you and all those around you.

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  335. Jenny, 5 days before you posted this my 18 year old son lost his best friend to suicide. He went to check on his friend but it was too late. My heart aches for my son and the family of this beautiful child that they lost. My heart aches for the pain that he was going through but could not see out of the darkness that surrounded him to get help. It is a devastating loss. This is the worst pain we have gone through. I keep hoping that we will wake from a horrible dream, but it is real. It hurts to watch my son suffer and I cannot tell him that is will be “OK.” It will never be “OK”. If we’re lucky, time will ease some of the pain. I would like to share your words with his school of that’s OK with you – they have reached out to me knowing what my son went through. Thank you so much for sharing yourself and your story with the world. It’s a better place because of you!

  336. I identify and empathize. You’ve helped me through my own dark times. I thank you for that.

  337. ((Hugs)) to everyone. When you and the other party are ready to write about it, we’ll listen. If you want to write about something else, we’ll listen too.

  339. I’m doing this anon b/c of my kid (also prob forgot my sign in…) but I so feel for you and send love and hugs. One of my kids (teen) has been struggling with depression and anxiety for more than 2 years now and says things like “I wish I could blink and then just not exist” etc. No other pain for a mama like this. We’re working on things and I have hope even if she doesn’t. And now she’s got a bunch of medical crap that is a genetic joy for us and she’s crushed. I don’t know how she still gets up and goes to school, honestly. She’s my hero even if she can’t find the good in herself w/o me telling it to her.
    I’ll hope for healing for your person and for my person and for all of us who struggle with these things ourselves and/or love someone who does. Sending metta and light and all that good stuff <3

  340. Sending love and positive thoughts to you and your family. It can feel so scary to do your best to support those around you when they truly have their own experiences and journey. Persistence is key and for me, I continually ask for guidance for what I don’t know… that I will intuitively understand how to support my families experience in a loving and supportive way. 😊❤️

  345. Just wanted to send some love to you and Hailey especially, but the rest of your family too. Healing is often not a straight trajectory, there can be valleys of darkness yet to traverse. But as long as you just keep going, knowing that you are loved and deserving of that love, that is the main thing. Don’t give up. Hugs to all

  346. I needed this. It’s been a rough month with my 87 year old parents who live with me. Caregiving is hard, but thank God I get to do it.

  347. “People who will rescue you… They will save you. And you will save someone else”. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and for knowing what we need to hear. This is a great line for me, always feeling unworthy or people’s help. If I get help then I can help others. ❤️

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