There was a bear attack in my house. In that a bear was attacked in my house.

in Random Crap

Almost every day on twitter I share the most baffling thing Amazon recommended that day and this one has come up several times:

It’s a desiccated 6 and a half foot teddy bear corpse that seems to have been in a hit and run and then dried out in the sun.  I assumed it was some sort of sleeping bag that also suffocates you but turns out it’s just the skin and you’re supposed to fill it yourself, which will probably not make me very popular at Build-a-Bear.  Personally though I thought it would make a great sleeping bag and you could use the face as a sleeping mask that might also suffocate you doing the night.

It’s goddam ridiculous so of course I immediately bought it to surprise my family.

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My family doesn’t understand whimsy. Part 1.

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Part 2. Why does it have it have camel toe?

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Sadly, after so many years of living with me they seem to be immune to this level of horror/whimsy:

I’m not sure what to do with it now but I think it would make an excellent laundry bag for heavy procrastinators or a very fluffy carry-on suitcase for long trips.

UPDATE:  HANG ON, Y’ALL.  I think I just got a bear skin rug for under $50.

Ferris Mewler is totally impressed. Or embarrassed for me. Hard to tell.

128 thoughts on “There was a bear attack in my house. In that a bear was attacked in my house.”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. That is a fantastic clip of you putting on the bear Jenny. I agree though, it makes a better rug 😃

  8. I’m five and a half weeks out from a profilactic bilateral mastectomy and am dealing with constant pain. That said, I needed this laugh today!! Thank you Jenny!! 🙂

  12. ROFL I don’t know … that’s gonna be a bear to vacuum.

    That series of video clips was so heckin good. Everyone needs a good giggle and that was a bunch of them for sure <3

  14. You guys are the best. I love all of you, and these videos are gold. I would have been super claustrophobic in the bear skin tho… you’re braver than I.

  15. I have one of those stuffed bears, but a little smaller, I’ve been wanting to empty it out and make a costume out of it but I haven’t figured out what to do with the 300 billion tiny styrofoam balls inside of it! I was thinking maybe the vacuum at the car wash??

  17. Can you do a post about your wall along your staircase? Because it’s fucking MAGICAL

  21. Honestly, it looked like Winnie the Pooh after a massive weight loss, before he had the surgery to remove the excess skin. Thanks for the giggles. I needed that today

  22. No, that is not a rug. That is a onesie that happens to missing a few holes. It is mesmerising to watch you move around in it. You gotta wear that shit.

  24. You’re gonna need to put a bear-shaped anti skid pad under that rug. You know. For safety.

  33. My dog has two “dessicated” squirrels and one rabbit. I call them road kills. She loves them, carries them around with her and tosses them in the air when she wants to get our attention.

    Annette

  36. So the fluffy dude was full of fluff and someone DEFLATED him? Glad you rescued him from a life of ridicule on amazon. And I bet DJ up there^ could shoot ya a hell of a deal on pellets. DJ, problem solved, you’re welcome!

  38. Hahahaha! So much fun! I have laughed until I cried. Thank you for sharing.

  42. I’m dying! It looks like a bear post lapband surgery. He needs skin reduction stat!

  43. This made me laugh until I was crying! Am I the only one that thinks we now need to scour the Internet for a six foot stuffed tiger skin to match your teddy bear rug? You could have Hobbes and Teddy Ruxpin! On a grown up note- I love the pictures on your stairway and the actual staircase!

  45. I just laughed until I peed, no lie. Even Dotty seemed unphased, and Victor dragging you away! 😂😂😂

  47. I’m dead. ☠️ Jenny I love you so much. I want to hang out and drink wine slushees with you. ❤️

  49. The whole bearskin seemed to ooze/wobble with your movements, but then you made it even better when you sat down and ended up with BEAR CROTCHFACE.

  57. I am laughing so hard at that last clip I sound like a 3 pack a day smoker. Thank you for that!!!

  61. OMGs! Thank you for the wonderful belly laugh. I really needed that. I love your sense of whimsy.

  65. So now we know what happened after the Ranger at Jellystone finally caught Yogi with the picnic basket. Run, Boo-boo, run!

  67. If I put on something like that, my husband would probably just walk by without noticing. The cat would run to the safety of the other side of the room to glare at me, and the dogs would be very confused. Especially the puppy, who would probably try to play with the new animal in the room.

  71. Dear Jenny,
    You and Haley and Victor just made my day! Thank you all💖

  73. So much to love here! Including the fact that all through the whole thing, there is a pair of shoes in the doorway and everyone just steps over them…

  74. I adore hearing all of this laughter 😀 And that thing is hilarious. Who WOULDN’T want to wear a bear’s skin over their own? So powerful. SO fluffy. #TheRevenent

  76. Thank you for making me laugh for the first time in weeks! My cats would probably crawl into it themselves, maybe yours will eventually and carry it through the house.

  77. You did it! You cheered me up during a day full of sobering lectures at the university! Restorative justice all morning and the rise of nationalism in Europe this afternoon. Thank you and thank the dessicated teddy bear!

  78. You and the family are simply hilarious! Thanks for an actual bust a gut laugh.

  81. I’m telling you! It’s the best place I can think of to hide a body. No one is going to question a very large and smelly teddy bear.

  82. I love this post. I shared it with my book club. I couldn’t stop laughing, especially when you fell down in the bear suit. Omg!!! This is something I would do too. My kids don’t find it funny, which just makes me laugh more.

  84. I’m thinking about how useful that would be in the carpool lane….just need perhaps a bear skeleton or something…

  85. There is SO. MUCH. POTENTIAL. here. I mean, I love T-Rex but that’s so overdone now. You just have to work out that breathing thing…it seems to be important.

  87. Wonderful rug. Also, love the introvert chair, and I just spent 20 minutes squinting and trying to make out the pictures in your gallery.

  89. I bear-ly could contain my laughter at all of these videos. Victor is definitely a “grin-and-bear-it” sort of guy, grizzled by the constant whimsy in your home. 😉

    Definitely have to try wearing the stuffed version, though. (BTW, the Amazon description is hilarious in and of itself.)

  94. Worth every penny.

    (Also? Selling a gigantic bear unstuffed is pretty brilliant from a shipping perspective. It would be so much cheaper to have it shipped and then go buy some polyfill, over having it shipped already stuffed. Plus you get bonus bear body horror! )

  95. Im pretty sure my 15 year old would’ve completely steered clear of this and not have shown her face in any videos, if that makes you feel better about family involvement. I’m lucky to get her to come to dinner.

  99. You have NO IDEA how freaking hard I laughed at those videos, especially the last one!! Omg. I seriously haven’t laughed that hard in years. Omg. That was awesome. Thank you for that.

  101. You so need to name that bear. I wish you could get a fan and inflate while you’re wearing him, like a T-Rex costume.

  102. Ferris Mewler is part of the family. He gets it. And is willing to judge you in ways that only a cat could.
    I think it’s POSSIBLE that you bought a furry costume. Although maybe not. When you see them on TV – it’s always a sort of fully fleshed out stuffed animal. Not that TV comedy is a reflection of reality. Still. Maybe it’s a beginner one. Like training wheels. You get a costume without the stuffing to see if the furry lifestyle suits you.

    You should ask around. Odds are you have some fans who are furry.

  104. My kid said, “Whiney the Pooh!”
    They might be on to something.

  107. You look like one of the Bannana Splits that lost ALOT of weight. Talk about lose skin.

  113. What really disturbs me is that it looks like it’s on my car.
    WHO’S USING MY CAR FOR DISTURBING TEDDY BEAR ANTICS?

  114. On a more positive note, you probably don’t have to buy stuffing. Just sit him down in your laundry and start feeding him mismatched socks. Or better yet, unwanted little stuffed animals. BLUHAHAHA Feed the giant teddy bear on little teddy bears!

  117. Thank you for the laugh! It looks like you and your family were having great fun. I’m glad to see that you are feeling better.

  118. That was HILARIOUS!!! I love when Victor started dragging you around on your furry butt…. 🤣🤣🤣

  121. Too much fun! I love that you find enjoyment and help us to find that same enjoyment in the most ridiculous things. And yes, that is quite the camel toe…

  122. Dude, I would wrap myself up in a comforter & tie on strategically placed pillows to be extra fluffy in that bear suit! Might take all the pillows on the house though. 🙂

  126. My question is, is someone selling bear skins before they’re stuffed, or is someone buying a bunch of giant bears and meticulously ripping all the stuffing out and then selling them?

  128. OMG, I just randomly found this blog after a really horrible day watching destruction crews systematically rip out every single tree on the lot across the street from my house (well, I didn’t hang out and watch, but I knew it was happening and that was bad enough) — and this video made me laugh hysterically and feel just a little better for the first time all day. So thanks, so much, for being so fabulously weird and funny and awesome and real.
    (Waving with huge affection from Austin.)

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