So last year I did rTMS to try to whack my brain out of chronic treatment resistant depression and it was pretty helpful. Not perfect, but it pulled me out of a deep hole I was stuck in. I also treated the other side of my brain for anxiety and that was really helpful. I’ve taken one xanax in the last 6 months and anyone with severe anxiety disorder knows how big of a deal that is.
Unfortunately I’ve been in a bit of a hole lately and my doctor said another round of TMS treatments might really help to stop me before I’m too far gone so I started again this week.
I’m doing the same treatments as before but in slightly different spots (the science on TMS changes so quickly and doctors are always using the latest studies to try to perfect the treatment) and I’m also doing deep treatment on my right ocular something-or-another and I don’t entirely understand it but they think it may help break up the intrusive negative thoughts that get stuck in my head.
It is as painful as I remembered but less painful than living with mental illness so I’m down with it. They play nature videos with relaxing melodies so you can distract yourself but that’s not really my thing so instead they’re letting me watch Shrill on their TV and it’s lovely except that my headphones ran out of juice so the counselor who monitors me just turned up the volume in the room right as a particularly awkward sex scene came on, which was made even more awkward by the fact that I was forcing other people to watch it.
Embarrassing, but honestly, very on brand.
PS. Last treatment they had to find my hand through my brain (making my thumb move by punching me in the head with magnets) but this time they had to go deeper, which meant that I had to take off my shoes and get magnet punched until I involuntarily kicked myself. I was still wearing tattered remnants of months-old nail polish and I apologized for the state of my feet but no one seemed to care and honestly I suspect that if your feet look like shit it’s maybe just another sign that you need to be medicinally magnet thumped for a few months.
Glad you are taking care of yourself!
Get with the thumping while watching the humping. 😀
This is both scary to think about (much less go through, I’m sure) and very intriguing at the same time. “… less painful than living with mental illness” is something with which I can relate. I’d also start worrying if this was changing my body’s polarity somehow, and I’d become like a huge refrigerator magnet, although that probably isn’t too far from the truth now. :/
Thank you for sharing your journey with us, Jenny. It’s never fun or easy to be reminded that there’s no permanent “cure” for most mental illness, and that relapses are possible, but it’s good to remember that even a setback isn’t the end of the line. Life is more like the bunny hop than a conga.
Sex scenes at the doctor’s office, I love it! I mess with the TV channels at all of my son’s therapy waiting rooms–I’m stuck there for an hour, so a girl’s got to stay entertained! Whenever I arrive both tvs are always tuned to Fox New (gag!), so I just turn it to the Discovery channel and pretned everyone likes watching bothched surgeries and and Shark Week 😉
Magnet thumping. Trust you to find the weirdest things to fix yourself. I sure hope it helps!
Sending you piles of good thoughts and love. And good for you for watching what you want. So glad you’re taking good care of yourself.
So I guess I’m an internet Troll or stalker or something like that. I’ve got two Jenny blogs open and I keep refreshing. Not feeling sorry for myself but knowing that my misery has company – the not being alone – helps.
I’m so glad that you’re able to start this before you’re in too deep of a hole. Immdying to watch Shrill, I adore Aidy Bryant and I’m so excited to see a plus size woman in a lead role where size doesn’t seem to be the focus and her wardrobe looks amazing! I think you should look at it less as forcing them to watch something and more that they’re lucky to have you introducing them to quality programming. I know I don’t know you personally but I’m cheering for you over here.
Are you even doing TMS if you don’t take a magnet-head selfie?! (Been there, done that, too.)
In all seriousness, I’m glad you’re able to do more sessions and hope they help!
They’re not paying attention to your toes when sex is on lol unless they’re weirdly into toes
A doctor (not my psych) recommended I look into ketamine! I know, right?! I was like, you’re nuts! Apparently it was recently approved by the FDA to help depression. It’s said to be some sort of miracle or something. I was very hopeful when I heard about it, until I read more about it. It’s not for me. I’m not a candidate for it at all, as I have depression of the bipolar sort. It would likely make me worse. My psych doc is a TMS specialist and he won’t touch me with that thing either. I hope it continues to work for you, and maybe you’ll want to read about the ketamine thing. With caution, of course. Good luck. I do know what you must me going through.
If they’re going to make you take your shoes off…AND you have to sit there long enough to watch videos for distraction…it seems only logical that they should also offer pedicures along with the treatment. Everyone could probably use a pedicure, and it might distract you from the magnet punching.
Oh dear. Looking at my toes right now and I may be in line for a good thumping.
I’m on my way to the last treatment of my third round of TMS. I like to picture the Angry, Badass Woodpecker Of Mental Health kicking butt on my depression. It has worked well. Good luck to you with your head pecking. ❤️❤️❤️
That’s hilarious about Shrill. I just finished binging it. It was amazing.
I hope it works super awesome wonders and is worth being magnet-punched and that someday soon you’ll look back on being magnet-punched with a sense of ease and happiness.
Also, magnet-punched is clearly my favorite new term.
How great is Shrill?! I watched all the episodes this week and just fell in love with it. It’s really doing the book justice!
I just did both Ketamine Therapy AND ECT Therapy and feel worse than ever. I feel like I broke my brain (which wasn’t functioning to begin with). I just found out that I’m losing my job, I just cost myself thousands of dollars in medical bills by going through both Ketamine Therapy AND ECT Therapy. Neither of which worked. Our basement just flooded AGAIN. I interviewed for a new job but didn’t get hired. I have no one to talk to about any of this with because my boyfriend and my family all seem to think I’m all better now that I’ve done the ECT. But my brain feels even more broken than it did before. I have giant gaps in my memory. I struggle to form sentences. I feel even more like I want to die. I just want this all to be over with.
(You are not alone. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Depression affects my memory too. Keep fighting. You are worth it. There are so many people here who love you. I’m one of them. ~ Jenny)
I’m sorry you’re having to deal with another struggle, but glad you’re using the tools progress is making possible. A month of TMS was helpful for me, too – they also had to find a different place for the woodpecker to peck on my brain because of my own mental illnesses. My TMS treatment is more recent, so I don’t know whether it will still be working next year, but the door is open for me to go back for more, too.
I listened to music on my phone with noise-cancelling earbuds. No TV or video in the treatment room at the VA where I went. Great people, though.
My feet have always looked like shit, even before the addition of scars from fancy orthopedic surgery (I have titanium in my feet now, woo!), but I gave up on any ideas of working as a foot or hand model long ago.
Keep getting better, and thanks for sharing the ride with us.
Take care.
So glad you are caring for yourself and not waiting until it got worse. <3 <3 My cousin checked herself into a care facility last week and they kept her for a week monitoring her and adjusting medication until she felt safe being on her own again. I’m so thankful she took that step and asked for help. We never know what one’s personal struggle is unless they share it. It broke my heart knowing she was having so much trouble and I didn’t know. Now I know and I can be there for her, check in and ask the questions I never thought to ask before. I feel that you have made me a much better friend and family member by sharing your battles. I’ve been able to see and understand more about mental health and how I can help. Thank you for being the amazing person you and and sharing your battles, even when they are embarrassing. We usually aren’t laughing at you. hahaha. Usually. You resonate with us and we laugh at how easily it could have been any one of us!
Can’t tell you how many times I’ve kicked myself, but it didn’t involve any magnetic thumping. Some of those ‘energy waves’ in your head must be from your deeply caring and appreciative tribe … especially after the phenomenal reaction to your last post. I’m sending out a handful of cards each day for as long as the (Watch your mail box, tribe … you, too, Jenny!)
I’m so glad to hear it worked for you. I’m starting TMS on Tuesday for anxiety and depression. I can tolerate pain for a worthy cause and I’m banking on TMS being the help I crave. Thank you for posting!
Cristina Chapman
Cristina.Chapman@HelloBlueCBD.com
Hellobluecbd.com
Jenny, you are constantly an inspiration for sharing with all of us (and the world) what you are going through. I admire your bravery every time I read one of your posts. Thank you.
Good for you. Bravo for seeking out a refresh- I am SO thankful that you’re in the thumpy chair!
Jenny.
After 30 years of depression and anxiety I finally gave in and have been accepted for a trial therapy of low dose ketamine given intravenously. I was too scared to try the ECT. I can keep you in the loop if you like.
Me
Glad to read that the rTMS has worked so well on the anxiety. Here’s hoping the tune-up has the same effects on the other issues. 🙂
If you run out of things to watch, I’ve been having some weird fun with this channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCi5iiEyLwSLvlqnMi02u5gQ
I hope this is as helpful as your last treatments were. It’s good that you didn’t wait until you were worse.
So glad to hear you’re doing well, Jenny. <3
So… TMS now stands for Too Much Sex?
I may not have taken away the right message from this post.
Even when you are having problems, you are the funniest person! Best of luck to you, sending you good thoughts.
Good that you are getting ahead of a deep hole. That does not sound right lol
Get better
Hope this works as well as it did last time. As for your feet– girl, please. I have Troll feet. They were awkward looking to begin with because I have tiny, tiny toes, high arches, and narrow heels, but add dry skin plus a truly horrific bout with a fungal infection that is still causing my nails to chip and peel and you have a true horror show on your hands! Or feet. But will I be wearing sandals this summer? Damn straight! Ugly feet need sun and air, too! So you rock your distressed nail polish!
hilarity with polarity. nice
Hoping this is even more helpful than the first round.
All the best
Get better We are all rooting for you.
To anonymous at post 18 — please let your family know you still need help. Don’t do this alone.
I just finished a 6 week round of rTMS treatments up here in Canada. Not a cure but it definitely helped me survive the winter. I never would have known to ask for it if I didn’t read your blog. Thank you for keeping it real. xo
My husband has prostate cancer + I have depression = I need a good thumping!!!!!!
To Anonymous above who tried ketamine and ECT. I can’t figure out how to reply directly. I have felt hopeless also and it must be awful to feel worse after treatment. PLEASE reach out to doctors or friends and tell them what’s going on. Or call the Suicide Prevention number tel:1-800-273-8255
We’re all rooting for you the same way we’re rooting for Jenny. Sending love to you.
Eh. I never take off my nail polish on my toes so after summer it just slowly disappears until the next summer when I repaint.
Wishing you all the best, Jenny!
PS: The Shrill portion was hilarious!
Well first I read “thumping” as “humping” and that seemed to go well with the scene you forced everyone else to watch, but still a weird image of the TMS device humping your brainpan. Then I remembered the Far Side cartoon where the surgeon has a finger in the patient’s head, and the patient’s leg is up off the table, captioned “look what happens when I poke him HERE!”.
And ultimately, I’m so glad you’re taking care of yourself. You are needed in the universe: you make it better.
You are so so brave. And you help so many. Keep on keeping…
I hope this second round works for you Jenny
I am getting needles stuck into my eyeballs so a medication can help stabilize my retinas. The anasthetic is pretty good, but you see the needle coming I TOTES understand the balancing act. Needle in the eye or blind? Easy peasy. Best of luck with your treatments! It will be over soon.
Thank you for your honesty. Also thank you for the sentence “another sign that you need to be medicinally magnet thumped for a few months” The way you write brings me joy.
First of all, I love your sense of humor and then how you share it all with us. Secondly, you are mighty to share with others about your mental health struggles. It goes a long way to help destigmatize it and make normal. Lastly, you are sharing your experience, to shed light on treatments, experiences, and they are not alone. I am not clinically depressed, but I am sad and have mood swings because I suffer grief. Thank you for sharing your story. Here is mine.
Give “em Hell Babe!!!!
I hope this keeps you out of a deep hole. I’m glad you’re getting help before it gets super bad.
I cannot wait for when your superpowers start to manifest themselves. Dibs on being your quirky sidekick. My special skills are being able to go from calm to She-Hulk rage in 10 second flat and demanding to “speak to your manager right now!”
I’m so glad you have this option! Brains fascinate (and frighten me a little bit quite honesty) so much ever since my son’s was permanently damaged after he was attacked las year. I look so forward to hearing about your results, and I hope you know I’m always in your corner. Best, Jenny, and thank you for sharing.
Omfg one Xanax in 6 months. That’s a bloody miracle and one of the most amazing things I’ve heard in months. I hope this next round works even better. I’ve been about to fall in a hole lately and YouTube has been so helpful. Good luck girl
Thinking good thoughts and wishing you all the best. You are an amazing lady!
OMG toes. I bellydance for fun (lord knows no one would ever pay to see me do it) and the only time I ever manage to paint my toenails is when I’m going to be dancing so you can pretty much tell the last time we had a show by how far the polish has grown out.
If this is a metric for needing mental health care, then, yeah. I could use it.
But my metric could just be really thrown off by my general inability to do the girly things like haircuts and manicures. (Please don’t ask me about makeup, ok?)
You look awesome.
And I am glad you are getting help. It’s good. You are worth it.
Definitely very on brand. 😉 Hoping all goes well! (And maybe a few more loud sex scenes for the crowd.)
Would love to see an update from you on Hilarious World of Depression. I think this treatment could be interesting to hear discussed!
looks at feet “Hello, magnet store?”
Good for you staying on this! Out of curiosity, have they considered the recently approved nasal spray esketamine?
Always you with the porn. Glad that it’s working for you, ratty toes and all. I had my last manicure about 4 months ago, and I ran out of nail polish remover, so I’m just letting it grow it–it’s fascinating to see how long it actually takes. If your toenails grow after you die, I have a pretty good idea now about how these talons will look:-)
Jenny, with all that’s been going on for you lately, I was curious if you were going to go back to this treatment or not. I’m glad that you are…it was so successful for you the first time out, it only makes sense that there would be “maintenance” treatments to keep you at optimal health. Good for you for taking care of what’s important – YOU!!!! Sending much love and support your way! oxoxox
To anonymous from 2:32 p.m.: I’m with Susan. Please reach out to us with a way to contact you – even if you make up an e-mail account just for that purpose. And hang on tight.
Anonymous #18, Don’t give up. Depression lies. Debt doesn’t last forever. If that didn’t work, something else will. Everyone is different. Another job will be a better fit. Find any tiny thing to celebrate and hold onto it… even if that is just the random people on here who are worried about you. We care.
Great that you went back!! Cracked nail polish…….bah, who cares 🙂 Not us who DO care!!
Same thing happened to me, but at the dentist. They put Netflix and the headphones went out so she turned the speaker on riiiight when the first scene of Friends from College started, which has an opening sex scene.
I’m glad to hear it’s working for you. It’s something I have been looking into for my kids as a possible treatment (they have MDD and GAD, debilitating.) I hope it keeps working for you! (Also, even thinking about the sex scene over the speakers makes me want to go hide in my closet! LOL)
#18 anonymous, if you need someone to talk to, I can listen. (just pop over to my blog to contact me). I’m so sorry you’re going through such a hard time.
@dSavannahCreate from
dSavannahRambles
Wow, one Xanax in 6 months is amazing. I have taken… counts 4 of my ‘anxiety pills’ (Vistaril) in the past week. I’m so glad the treatment worked so well for you in that area. And I’m really glad that your doctor suggested another round before the depression got too deep, hoping it will help!
Hey Anonymous #18, I’m so sorry. I wish I was able to come over in real life to help clean up your basement. I hope sharing in these comments helps you feel even a little bit of relief. You deserve kindness and help. Hang on — there are people that care, even if you aren’t in face to face contact with any at the moment.
That’s amazing and good news about your anxiety. And you’re being proactive with taking on the magnet punches again. Take care and be well.
That’s amazing and good news about your anxiety. And you’re being proactive with taking on the magnet thumps again. Take care and be well.
I hope this round of TMS works as well as the previous one did.
About the state of the feet🤔Girl , you ain’t never lied…just can’t get out of the house to get that much needed pedi🤣
I opted for ECT myself. The things our damn brains put us through. Keep it real. Thanks for all you do, hope your family is well!
Some have mentioned ECT on here. My mom had long term ECT. Once a week for a couple of years. Now this was back in the 1970s and I hope it’s been perfected. It really destroyed her memory. Part of her personality died and she was never the same. I can’t say whether it helped or not. I was a kid and I think she was still depressed after all the ECT or maybe it just dulled her from messing with her memory. The drugs were not great back then and she was severely depressed. She was even hearing voices. It’s so sad. I have inherited the depression and anxiety. As bad as it has been at times, I’ve never crossed over to psychosis like my mom did. I would be very cautious with ECT. I have heard of it working beautifully for some people, but it is a last resort.
The TM? thing sounds intriguing to me. I wish it wasn’t so expensive. No way could I ever afford that and my insurance has a very high deductible. The ketamine sounds interesting, but it’s only temporary. I read it is heavily regulated by the FDA. Must be administered in a dr office where you must stay and be monitored for several hours. The results last the best for about 5 days, but you can only get a treatment every 2-3 weeks. It is a mild hallucinogenic
And you can see colors and shapes, so I’ve read. I’m sure it’s outrageously expensive. But it’s something new and if it helped someone out of a dangerous place, it could worth it. Maybe there needs to be more research into hallucinogenic drugs. Like maybe used in very minute doses it could help without making someone tripping out of their mind. One can hope. This is such a difficult illness to treat. Hugs to you all.
Hi Jenny. My psychiatrist just suggested this magnet brain thumping treatment to me. He made NO mention of discomfort, let alone pain. He’s really awesome so maybe he just kmows that I would pretty much try anything to help my poor, sad, and surely shrunken little brain. I finished Furiously Happy for the second time, today. It’s my MOST beloved book cuz it sounds so much like I wrote it. I want to write like you do…one day, if my brain ever cooperates. I also don’t know how to use the damn TV. I miss the good old dsys. One knob. One channel. Yes. Thank you, Jenny, for everything! 💕
Good for you ! Big virtual hug from Switzerland.
I don’t believe in foot-shaming. Not everyone enjoys a regular pedicure. You do you!
I loved my tms, both times. It made a world of difference.
I seemed to get 6 years out of the 1st one. But, I know, it would make a big difference In my life, if I could have a monthly tune up.
But my new insurance won’t allow it. I’m really happy to hear, you are partaking, and it’s helping !!
I’m really glad you are practicing some serious self-care. <3
Your rTMS treatments point out how awful living with depression and anxiety can be that someone is willing to undergo physically painful treatments to make it better. Anyone who doubts how awful MH disorders can be should pay attention to this.
Take care of yourself, Jenny. <3 Hugs <3
You’re my hero! Inspired by your successful first round of treatment, I’m mid-way through my first round of rTMS for depression, and it’s working great!. I didn’t even know that they could treat anxiety as well, so I’m totally going to ask for that too! In addition to a significant reduction in symptoms, my lovely technician gave me homemade hummus, so the treatment is a double-win!
Keep fighting the fight and never give up. You’re an inspiration to us all!
Hope it goes well!!!! Rooting for you!!!!
I know anxiety. He is a pervert and abuses self esteem and confidence and forces us to blog, then stop blogging. He’s the bastard that keeps us from becominng full blown narcissists God and Frued intended us to be.
He was one of the reasons I blogged for years, then stopped for well over a year. I just started again, but it’s already starting to feel like a chore. If I don’t enjoy it, why bother. Im a humor blogger too, but within my restart , Ive felt far more introspective and Im constantly fighting the urge to blame eberyone else. I know better, but I just want to name names. You know, revengy
that revengy feeling that tears it’s ugky head from time to time.
Anyway, the angst you speak of…It’s an inexplicable weightiness that’s hard to explain. Like being in a room but a huge balloon has been inflated and semi’pins you to the wall. You can move just enough. But not enough. And it’s maddening. “Arrrrgh”, anyone actually ever says that. I wish you the best. I wish us both, all of us who suffer from the periodic “ not good enough disease”. It’s fickle, and has the timing of the worst actor ever and sucks in general.
I’m in the Texas Hill Country, too…closer to the San Antonio, molehill version, but in the hills nevertheless.
I wish you well. I really do.
LK
(PS. Stormy in this part of the hills today. It’s dark outside and rumbling. It’s either about to storm……or………my house has gas.)
Good for you, keep on keeping on!. Have had anxiety and depression for years and sometimes you just need to take the car into the shop, so to speak… Thanks for all you do to share your experiences and make us feel a little less alone when things are challenging. Anxiety screams unpredictably, depression lies… laughter and animals heal:-) I hope you get the healing YOU give US.
My dentist made the mistake of letting me choose channels during a crown replacement. Jaws was on. I can’t not watch Jaws which was dental appropriate but also awful. I too felt bad for other people and eventually switched to HGTV which is as mind numbing as dental procedures. Take care of you. 🙂 https://possumscatsthingsgnawingatme.wordpress.com/2019/03/21/seriously-can-i-just-take-it/
I love reading of your self-care and of how many skilled professionals you have on your “Team Me.” Really impressed that they’re so proactive on restarting treatment. You’re doing everything right.
You are my hero – I’m so glad you share all the different ways you take care of yourself while sharing your challenges. I hope this helps you get out of your hole.
I’m glad you’re doing this again if you think you need it: taking care of yourself first is important. Re: SHRILL. Yes, soooo on target. I just discovered it myself and binge-watched it. That woman is my icon now. (Though you’re my hero. I sold ANOTHER copy of your book today to a young woman in the SCA who stopped in the store because they were doing a demo across the street from me. I overheard her talking to her companion about having anxiety and I was all “I’m going to be the crazy intrusive middle-aged fat woman and come over with Jenny’s book.” She grabbed it. 🙂
You are a WARRIOR. That’s all (and it’s everything.)
Just keep forcing them to watch and listen to awkward sex scenes and they won’t even think to look at your feet.
I’m sure your feet are adorable Jenny! 😉 Honestly I’m lucky if I get my makeup on most of the time let alone remember to clip my nails/emery board those/remove polish. It’s amazing what we focus on that no one else even notices. I’m so glad you embraced that help-went back to brain zapping.You’ve got this! <3 <3 <3
You are very brave.
My TMS helped my anxiety SO MUCH!!!! Like crazy amazing much. I’m sure it helped my depression too but I don’t trust it. Depression hides just around the corners and in the edges and sneaks up on you like you are sinking slowly into a massive vat of syrup. Anxiety is obvious and bold and brash. It never hides. It’s effects can’t hide. I hope I hope I hope that tapping top-up gets you another jolt of goodness and light. Always wishing you every good thing. Love you.
Every time you mention TMS, it makes me think of the scene in Breaking Bad when Jesse yells, “Yeah, bitch! Magnets!” I am grateful you found something that works for you.
I had a nervous breakdown and suffered the worse depression of my life for three and a half months straight. I felt it in my body, my brain, my being. Now, I’m just so tired all the time. Dr. Doesn’t or won’t help in a way that would take it away, probably because she can’t.
Having shit insurance is also a problem.
I take 11 pills a day for bipolar disorder and it feels like a losing battle. I try to be okay, but when things like this happen, I feel like I’m taking pills for the sake of taking pills. I’ve had every side effect you can imagine over the years, but this weight gain recently is the worst. I NEVER look at myself in the mirror.
ANONYMOUS #18: WE SEE YOU. WE HEAR YOU. I would hug you but I don’t really do that. Please keep reaching out and asking for help every single day – we don’t mind, we’re not tired of it, and you will not be deserted by this community. <3 <3
JENNY: you know I used to have a thing about icky toenails but really that only applies to going out in public wearing flipflops. You totally get a pass because UNEXPECTED FOOT EXPOSURE. It can’t be helped. 😀 xoxo
Jenny-
I’m at the zoo trying to find depression relief with animals. My first TMS psychiatrist appointment is this week – and mapping is Friday. I’m at the ZOO googling success rates!!! Just lets you know how depression and anxiety affect you all day long. Here is the thing; I have 20 plus years sobriety- am recovering from leukemia, experienced the deepest pain with the loss of my golden retriever, went through a divorce (earlier) had an awful narcissistic boss at a new job, find myself completely sick and depressed and anxious when I used to be a “magical” person with immense passion. I have a new job but I am not in the field God intended and have too much work pressure. Sooooo I though I would check on your blog today while looking at baboons to see if I could ask you about TMS success rate. I could not believe you were writing about this!!I’m okay with repeat treatments but I feel bad it did not provide you with a longer period of joy. I also wonder how you have energy to blog. (Thank God you do.). And FYI / I’m rereading “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened.” I read Furiously Happy mant times. I don’t feel so crazy and odd. Bless you for being you- and being so real. I PRAY you and I both feel better soon!
By the way- I hear they can hit a nerve while mapping. I’m terrified. Did that happen to you?
By the way- I hear they can hit a nerve while mapping. I’m terrified. Did that happen to you? And also- when I thought I was “magical “ I am ignoring the severe depressive moments that did exist
(Several times they hit a nerve but the good news is that you can tell when it happens and have them just adjust. It hurts more when they hit a nerve but not unbearably so it’s not really worth dreading. 🙂 ~ Jenny)
You are brave and funny and talented and wonderful.
Nobody cares about out toes Jenny! They care about our health. And if thy do care about our toes – fuck ’em. Love ya. Take care!
All I can hear in my head is that old head bangers metal song also called “bang your head”!
I feel it is a good one to listen to while your poor brain is getting thumped repeatedly. A song for your feet, I can’t think of one right now! I am so glad you are able to catch yourself and get help before your mind functioning is too severe to handle. Any thoughts about a new needlepoint project while you sit and wait for treatment to finish? I love you, Jenny. Keep the faith sweetheart ❤️🌞
Anonymous #18
I am so sorry. I have been exactly where you are. I applied for work multiple times without getting hired& my drepression became so bad that multiple treatments & Intensive outpatient program barely made a dent. My doctor finally recommended that I apply fir disability and was very supportive in assisting me with the paperwork. I was horrified… because so much of my self esteem was caught up in working. ( Also I grew up in a family where ‘hard work’ was considered a strong emphasis of ‘ moral character ‘.
I was accepted for disability & while I would MUCH rather be healthier & working… I am finally able to admit that if I WAS hired for those jobs I was desparate to get hired at… It would have been a real setback for my health & it was ( for me) probably a blessing in disguise that they did not hire me for a job I was too sick to succeed at. ( though I would have driven myself into the ground& done my darndest to make it work… all the while getting more suicidal.
This sounds pretty negative reading it back… but I think I am trying to say that you wouldn’t try to run a marathon ion a broken leg; so maybe talk to you doctor about disability for mental health & not work for a while while you take care of your health.
I do understand there are financial realities to consider… but if you are approved for social security disability…you can get financial support while you recover.
Mental health is just as real a health crisis as heart attack, stroke, or broken bones/ joints that require prolonged recovery/ rehab. People need & deserve equal consideration in the workplace for time off & disability protection as for illness that is easier to ” see”
Hey girl with the perky hat… does your team have any thoughts about new ways to use some drugs? To hear this SXSW podcast with Tim Ferris interviewing Michael Pollan makes it sound like they’re very hopeful they’re on to something. https://tim.blog/2019/03/21/michael-pollan-sxsw/
If you’re not wearing months-old toenail polish, you’re inhuman.
I’ve had polish on my toes since November-ish, and it’s finally all chipping off…
Sending happy thoughts for excellent results
Positive vibes for you chica. I am going insane since my diagnosis (recently) and it has me in circles. I am so glad you write and it helps me out of that fucking black hole of shit for the bit I read your posts. Thanks
Not wanting to overreach here… and am apologizing if it comes across that way. Just wanted to ask if you’ve done precision genetic medication testing to isolate which meds work best for you – or what kind of a CYP metabolism you have. I find using these tests with patients not only helps identify issues, but can be used to force insurance companies to pay for alternative treatments if you have genetic coding for treatment resistant depression. Wishing you and all who struggle with depression hope and healing.
Keep going, Jenny, you are an inspiration to us all 💗
I adore this blog. Jenny helps us with her insightful and at times, dark humor, and commentators want to help each other. This is why we need each other. Thank you for reminding me we are all important and have a special place in the world.
Good luck with the treatment, Jenny; you are indeed an inspiration to us all. And speaking of the pain of mental illness, depression especially, 1 of the worst pains that I and others have experienced is the attitude of some people, “Oh, for pete’s sake; just snap out of it.” Sometimes I wonder if it’d be helpful to give these people a short “lesson” in being depressed: you know, transport them to their least favorite place in the country (or world), lock them up in the crappiest motel room with no cable or wi-fi–or if they’re indoorsy like me, stick ’em in a tent in the crappiest campground ever–and even though they may hear people outside chatting, laughing, having a good time, they’re not allowed any contact with sympathetic family or friends whatsoever during their stay. But, just kidding, just kidding; even tho that’s what depression feels like to me, it’s not something I’d even wish on Piers Morgan…tempting, though. Ha.
You make even the serious things funny. Glad you are getting help. You have helped change my outlook on some things, and I think my blog is getting better for it.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=sAm3XBi4TQA
Just thought you should know…..
Right when my doctor suggested rTMS, I went on Jenny’s blog for the first time and there was a picture of her getting rTMS! I started treatment last Thursday and got a mild headache. On Friday, DAY TWO, my depression lifted. I am not lying. Only drawback was a severe headache and body aches in general. Saturday no depression, yesterday it came back. Today, Monday, will be treatment number 3. Hoping for good results again but dreading the headache and pain on forehead. Still, that is 1,000 x better than depression. And Jenny, I’ve read both of your books countless times. Anxiety my whole life and depression for 40 years (I’m 62). All the best to you (and to me).
I have not checked in on your site for ages but I’m just too lazy to go back through everything to see if maybe , just maybe you’ve done this already. While TCMS is fabulous, its still only about 35 % effective. Have you heard about Esketemine treatment? It is micro-dosing of Special K and now legal by FDA approval and 85% effective according to research completed at Yale University, Mass General Hospital in Boston,etc. Long term studies have continued to support really positive results with few side effects. Of course really long term studies have not ruled out that you don’t become addicted to Rave music in abandoned parking garages but that’s a risk I’d take. I’m sure you probably know all this but I figure, hey why not just put it out there.
I’d love to read the Vanishing Half by Brit Bennett! P.S. Great tour 📚❤
I hope this is as helpful as your last treatments were
good, very good
Glad you experienced relief after doing TCM. I made it through one session, then went home to vomit. The splitting headaches, nausea, and tinnitus are no joke either. The hunt for treatment continues…
Hope you are doing well, meanwhile. It’s good to read another (trusted) person’s account of the experience. Thank you.