So this past week I’ve been dealing with mental illness bullshit and I don’t think I’m alone based on what I’m seeing on the internet so if you’re struggling please know that you are not alone and that it will get better.
Today was my 5th TMS treatment and honestly I was getting sort of depressed about being depressed because it sucks to feel like shit and also have to drag yourself to the doctor to get punched in the head for an hour a day but then a few hours ago I suddenly got a burst of energy and my vision cleared and HOLY SHIT I ALMOST FEEL NOT DEPRESSED. It possibly will only last for another hour or so but I’ll take it and I’m writing this down to remind myself that not-depressed-me says the dread and self-hatred that depressed-me is feeling is totally a lie.
I took this picture today during treatment because Victor and Hailey keep saying that they can see my depression in my face lately and I wanted to see if it was any better and I still looked depressed but all of a sudden a rainbow showed up and I’m pretty sure it’s just a light artifact but I’m choosing to believe it’s some sort of leprechaun magic and I am here for it. You should be too.
Also, there’s been a weed growing out of my gutter for the last few weeks but I’m too tired to clean the gutters so it just keeps growing and I feel like shit when I see it because it seems very analogous to how my life is feeling right now but today when I saw it I noticed that the weed has flowered and it made me smile because technically I think this is the longest I’ve ever kept a plant alive.
It’s all in how you look at it, I guess.
We found potatoes growing in our cupboard so I put them in a pot of dirt. I just roll with whatever the plants want ¯_(ツ)_/¯
Yassss, girl. Grow that weed/plant/beanstalk/whatever like a boss!
Weeds can be beautiful too. ♥
The good news is that that weed in your gutter is edible. Eaten in a salad or lightly sauteed in butter could turn your day around. It’s worth a try!
Thank you, Jenny! wonderful timing on this post! we have to hold on to those little moments! hugs
I love the way you look at it. Keep going.
It’s a lovely flower!
I’m so glad you’re getting at least a bit of relief and I love your gutter flower! (That sounds so wrong for some reason, I’m sorry.) March has been a really rough month for a lot of my friends who are dealing with anxiety and deprrsssion. I’m cheering for them and cheering for you.
The chickens would love to eat that gutter weed.
I think it’s beautiful. There is definitely some funk going through the universe right now. It’s nice to know it’s not just me. Thanks for sharing.
my son came to me yesterday and told me he has been bullied by a classmate this whole school year. i got very sad and anxiety filled at first for how long he has been going through this and how he didnt tell me earlier, but then i looked at it from a a different point of view. im happy we found out before it got any worse. im happy his school took action right away. i am happy he is relieved. it certainly is all in how you look at it.
Your rainbow rocks and you do too 🌈🤘🏻
Hi Jenny all I have to say is out of the darkness comes the light, out of weeds come the flowers, it is in how you look at it. I am hoping you feel better soon 🙂
This is one of the most true things in existence. <3 <3 <3 Glad you’re feeling better 🙂
My issues drifted away in my late 20’s, I wish I had had you to read back then. Thank you, a little old lady (63) from NH who appreciates you and your work.
Hey, it IS the little victories. Yeah, plantlife!!! <3
Right on. So true. Out here in Southern California, we had a really rainy winter. I’m one that usually loves to toil in the garden as a mindfulness practice, but in the rain is no fun. So we’ve let the yard just be the last couple of months, and while there are weeds everywhere, we had some random lilies pop up I didn’t realize were there! Perspective is everything, and even in the darkest of moments, we can find something to latch on to. Sending hugs, friend.
I’m sorry you have to go through that but yes you are not alone. it’s a daily struggle for me, seems like for the past 28 yrs. one day at a time, some are good and some are bad, today is bad. feel like crap, headache that won’t go away, bad mood. I just want to leave work, go home and shut myself in away from everybody and go to bed early. Hopefully tomorrow will be a new day and I’ll have a small burst of energy. I think sometimes I forget that I’ve been diagnosed with bipolar and that it really does effect me. I think people also forget that and if they don’t have it, they don’t know how shitty you feel and can’t relate. Everybody, even people without mental illness is fighting some sort of battle and I have to remember that. Life is not easy for anybody. People with mental illness and physical illnesses just have extra obstacles to get around, but that’s how I know we are so strong even if we don’t feel it, because some how we get through them everyday and keep going! I have a shirt that says “Keep on Keeping on” and also a tattoo that says “This too shall pass”.
Big hug!
Weeds are the most resilient plants ever. They get told crappy things and people legit tear them out of their dirt clods and THEY STILL RISE. Be like the weeds.
Last Thursday I started meds for the first time for depression and anxiety. I don’t know why, but I’ve been really hesitant on doing medication. I just got low enough the last few weeks that I decided that I’d try it. First 5 days was filled with some heavy nausea, but after switching from taking it in the morning to at night, the nausea has decreased drastically. So hopes are going high that these help.
Well done on the weed-keeping! May you have peace and rest.
Somehow you always manage to put things in perspective!
We had a beautiful plant growing out of the gutter. I think it was put there just for me to feel happy at least once a day when I passed it.
Only one weed? Our gutters look like we’re making a landscape statement. We’re waiting for it to become a thing. Join us.
Perspective is valuable. Gratitude always helps, too. When I find myself going down a negative path, I pull out the gratitude journal and write as many things as I can think of (or until my hand cramps), and then I continue at least five things (usually turns out to be more) each night until I feel better.
Somebody somewhere once said “weeds are just wildflowers growing in the wrong place.”
For the last two days I’ve gotten up and gone back to bed. I know its depression. I know depression lies. What I know isn’t helping. It’s weird spending so much time on my computer avoiding life that I see your posts pop up before there are comments. I’m trying to kick-start myself out of this. I’m telling myself that it will pass. I know its true. I’ve been through this lots of times before. It only feels new and forever. More lies. Its been long enough that I’m having trouble remembering how to move. I’m only writing because I know you all get it.
I see it in your eyes & expression. Soldier on, sister.
Excellent! Tell people you’re thinking outside the box and using your gutters as planters.
I’m sorry you’re still struggling. This depressionbeast sucks a lot.
Your post last week, where you suggested that people send little notes to each other was lovely. I’ve received seven sweet notes on some great little cards and I’m keeping them in my desk (and I am a thrower-awayer of cards) to read over and over again. It reminds me that people can be very nice. I forget that too often.
Your gutter weed is actually quite lovely! If you do ever remove it, I’d put it in a pot to remind me that life abounds in even the darkest places. 🙂
As I sit here eating peanut butter directly from the jar, I needed a perspective story to help. I wake up with the sads and it gets marginally better during the day, and by the end of the day it’s marginally better than that…until one day I wake up ok. This has been the deal for at least the last year. I try to remember that whatever I am feeling (good OR bad) won’t last forever…it helps. Glad you are doing a little better too.
The ONLY plants I’ve ever managed to keep alive are the ones growing in my gutters which, frankly, have not been cleaned in the 20 years I’ve been here because I RENT and I don’t think the gutters should be my problem. Also I am very lazy and it’s all I can do to (barely) keep up with the inside of the house, which explains the mulch (OKAY PILES OF LEAVES BUT IT COULD BE MULCH) piled up on the two sides of the house where the wind blows them. Also I have like about ninety-three oak, cedar, and evergreens in my front yard along with one dead ornamental olive tree which is ALSO not my problem.
That is DEFINITELY a Magic Leprechaun Gay Pride Rainbow so WEAR THIS PHOTO WITH PRIDE. <3 It is beautiful on all the levels, including my own Irishness and your gorgeous face.
Often I think that life is so hard. Sometimes I wonder if it is worth it. Then, I realize that there are people who love me. There are people who don’t know me and still are willing to give me a chance.
Sometimes I see a picture or some reminder of a great time in my life (it could have been years ago or just last week or even yesterday) and then I realize YES, it IS worth it. Just hang on and the good times will come around again.
I also have seen people lose the battle – and I see the pain it caused to family, friends and even just acquaintances. Do I want to give up and cause more pain in this world? (expletive!) No I DO NOT! I am here for the duration. Stay here with me- because even when it is shitty, we can hang onto and encourage each other.
It seems the year thus far has been shit but no one quite knows why. I get to drag my ass to the dr on friday and tell her that my brain feels like an extremely exhausted battleground where both sides are bad guys. I have to believe it will get better for all of us at some point, or what’s the point? Keep fighting rainbow girl, you are a goddamn magical unicorn.
I completed my impossible task today!
I truly hope Jenny this moment of lucidity lasts for much longer than an hour. You are an inspiration to those who read your blog and your Tweets.
As much as the plant in your gutter is life, the gutter does need to be cleared, I hope you’re feeling well enough soon to clear and rejoice in that moment.
Perspective is a wonderful thing, love that flower gutter. It helps the bees do their thing. What I thought were weeds were actually native wild flowers, so what a wonderful excuse not mow the lawn or pull “weeds” they’re good things! The funk in the universe is the solar flares that happened upon us recently coupled with mercury retrograde. The retrograde is almost over, this funk shall level out. Glad you are getting a bit of relief. (((Hugs)))
We all have a few weeds growing out of our gutters, but sometimes they flower and end up being quite beautiful.
Life finds a way. Plants grow out of cracks in the side walk or gutters, or fields. Depression lies and tells you that beauty can only happen in the perfect garden. Eff that! Do what you can, when you can, with what you have. Grow in a freakin’ gutter! 🙂
The saying in my world, Jennifer A, is “like a kidney stone, this too shall pass”. Sometimes with help. Sure feels good when it’s gone…
Once I had my aura photographed at a psychic fair, and there was a ball of white kind of near my boob, and I thought – great, my photo got a glare on it somehow, but the reader said, NO, that is your spirit guide! So if you have a rainbow on your photo – maybe a unicorn is your spirit guide! Rare and wonderful, and magic. I like it.
And the plant is a perfect example of ‘bloom where you are planted’.
Hoping for you to feel better every day! Love from Central New York, where it was 19 degrees when I was driving to work this morning.
I’m here for your leprechaun magic 🌈
That’s a beautiful weed! Good job!
ohhh you have a rainbow aura, how cool, i like to think my aura is purple as thats my favourite colour, it’s probably not though, probably dirty dishwater colour!
Hang on to that rainbow and keep hanging in there! ❤️
I work at a hospital where the one of the docs involved in TMS is an ass. I am 100% telling him he is spending his days punching sad people in the head. He will SOOOO love that. Bwahahaha!
Sometimes I think weeds grow better than the actual plants. I try to remind myself that beauty is where I find it, and if it’s in the weeds, then it’s in the weeds. Thanks for reminding me I’m not alone.
I have a huge weed in my gutter too. Can’t deal with it, so am just letting it be. I like your way of looking at it, so going for weed flowers now and fingers crossed it’s not going to block the gutter and make the whole street overflow. Living in the edge..
As someone with a black thumb, I can’t help but get excited when another person keeps a plant alive. Another way to look at weeds, and I can only see this come spring when my own SAD dissipates, is that they don’t give up no matter how much we try to keep them back.
It can take a while to find the right antidepressant. I tried Zoloft and Welbutrin before I took Effexor. It took about a month of working with my doctor to get a medication that was effective with the least side effects. You shouldn’t be having to deal with nausea – I had that problem with Zoloft and switched to Effexor after a week. Of course, I did have a great doctor who met with me once a week while I was trying the meds, and who took my side effects seriously. Keep trying!! And hugs!!
I love your weed-flower! There is beauty everywhere.
I too did TMS, 60 treatments to be exact, with mixed results. It was a huge time commitment and very hard to keep dragging myself there day after day. My therapist and I recently discussed this new treatment. She is going to be offering it and I am seriously considering having it. The results in clinical trials have been amazing.
https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2019/03/05/700509903/fda-clears-esketamine-nasal-spray-for-hard-to-treat-depression
Mercury is in retrograde. I don’t believe in that stuff, but our stovetop died, the printer stopped working, and now we are waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop.
Lemons into lemonade! You’re doing great… hang in there. ❤️
I feel ya, Jenny. A few months ago, my new doctor upped my Lexapro and tonight I have to go back to talk to her about how that’s going. Which, it’s helped but not enough because despite all the things I’m doing (exercise, yoga, meditation, medication and watching stupid Youtube videos when I need to), it’s not enough. I’m still having panic attacks. 🙁 So I may have to add something to my regimen which I don’t want to, but I realize I might have to.
On the plus side, I’ve been on dried up pig thyroid for about six months now and that shit is the BOMB. My pills smell a little like bacon, so that’s good too I guess. 🙂
My comments about meds were for commenter #20, not for Jenny. It makes sense in the WordPress Reader. Sort of.
Not a weed — a WILDFLOWER! 🙂 That’s one of the ways I remind myself that ultimately feeling better will always win over depression — just like a weed/wildflower will always grow, no matter how much someone tries to keep it out.
Fostering right now, so sending you all some lovely, sweet, stinky, skunky puppy breath kisses!
Fuck, yeah! Leprechaun magic ftw! Hang in there, Jenny! You are a rainbow to others! 💙🌈
Plants have a magic way of healing us. Hope you continue to feel better. You are definitely not alone. Hugs from San Diego!
I sent off 3 random notes to people in the last post thread and it made me feel better to be able to help someone, even if they never meet me.
A friend who is in a rough place put her name and address out there, and got 4 cards in the mail and was in tears because 4 people she had never even met took a moment to tell her that they cared.
You are magic, lady. That picture says so. Best wishes to you and your pretty gutter flower.
My doctor told me last week that I don’t qualify for the only free CBT group available because I’m too depressed. Should I laugh?
My favorite Eeyore quote: Weeds are flowers too, once you get to know them! Perspective is everything, and you will get through this not so great time. I’ve been dealing with a lot depression this month myself, so I empathize with you – except for the magnetic brain punches, haven’t gotten there yet. Focus on whatever little light you can find, especially leprechaun magic!
As a person of mostly Irish descent, and a fellow peeson-with-issues, I can say that IS leprechaun magic.
I never heard of TMS, I had to Google it. 🤔😲😀 I’m type 1 bipolar, cannot take antidepressants because they could make me manic. I haven’t got very depressed or manic in 10 years since I started taking Depakote. 😘🖖
You don’t know how much I needed to hear this. Just knowing I’m not alone helps so much. I’ve suffered from anxiety for quite some time but since my cat, who was my world, passed away in January, I’ve been in a downward spiral. On top of that I’m having issues at work. I cry every day. The smallest things make me feel overwhelmed. It takes all I have to go out in the world and pretend to be ok. I’ve gone through dark times before but this is one of the worst. Knowing others are going through the same thing helps. Knowing others have come out the other side gives me hope.
On the weed front, one time we found a weed that was legit taller than me (I’m 5’5) and at least a good wife. That thing terrified me. I always thought it was going to wrap itself around me and smother me one day. I have no idea how my ex got rid of it but I’m assuming it involved a saw and multiple burial sites so it couldn’t regenerate. 🤷🏼♀️ I’d be worried about your weed/houseplant if it continues to grow.
You deserve every rainbow Jenny. oxoxox
Weeds are only plants that someone doesn’t want to grow in that particular spot. If you accept it, then it is the intentional gutter-planter dandelion that you have growing on the southwest (or wherever) corner of the house. Granted, it makes it harder for the water to flow down the gutter, but you are right, it’s all in how you look at it.
Take our blooms where we can get them.
Gutter Flower was my stripper name
It’s the first step to a green roof! By not weeding your roof (who even does that?), you’re feeding bees. By not doing housework, you’re feeding dust mites and saving energy and water. There’s an upside to everything, if if it takes an unusual perspective to find it, and you’re the Queen of Unusual!
The Viking had a guy come and put pavement down in the backyard so we could park there. The following spring I noticed something pushing up through the 4 inches of pavement and it turned out to be a tulip!! How the fuck is that even possible? And it kept doing it for like 3 years! A TULIP! You’re like that tulip, too. It’s a testament to the strength of the human soul that no matter what shit happens, we just get up again. Hang in there, Lady.
The difference between a weed and a flower is judgement.
Im not clever enough to have come up with that on my own, it was on one of my tea bags. Hope this helps, I kept the tea bag because it helped me 🙂
That weed is there to remind you that it is possible to thrive even in adverse circumstances.
I think rooftop gardens are all the trend right now. You’re just being fashionable.
I think WordPress ate my comment, but as I was saying… We don’t call them weeds, we call them “volunteers.” 🙂 Glad to hear that your treatments seem to be working, and I hope that this moment of feeling better will grow and stretch like your volunteer plant and kick your depression’s ass. But not your gutter, because that would suck.
YOU have given me HOPE knowing I’m not alone,the darkness has light. Thankfully,my darkness hasn’t been as frequent.I am truly grateful to my book club leader for introducing you to me,via your awesome books. I know we have never met,but to me ,you are a friend. One of My besties ( her name is also Jen) loves you too. Hugs from N.Y.
A weed is just a plant growing where you don’t want it. Embrace the plant!
Signs of life!
A dandelion is either a horrible weed or a beautiful yellow flower: perspective. https://possumscatsthingsgnawingatme.wordpress.com/2019/03/23/to-boop-a-blep/
Go for the leprechaun magic, doesn’t the flower in your rain gutter and a magical rainbow mean good things? I believe that it does 🧐
Sorry you’re struggling, Jenny. I’ve been having a difficult time, too. Here’s hoping for brighter days ahead. ❤️
Love your Gutter Garden! I say let it grow! I’ve been so sown lately I have barely made it out of bed most days…which makes it difficult to go to work. Yesterday I actually felt OK and after work ran around and did all the things I’d let go-even called my daughters. The guilt attached to that is HUGE. BUT I will remember to take it all one step at a time-whatever I can get. I’ll take gutter flowers and love them. Thank You for your courage. You inspire me.
How beautiful you are Jenny; one side of your face dealing with treatment, and the other side a beautiful rainbow. If that is not the most poignant picture, I don’t know what is! God bless you and keep you in His perfect peace. Love, Amy
That isn’t a weed – those are skyflowers.
I am totally here for rainbow artifacts & gutter gardens! Also, for you, and hours, moments, instants of reduced depression and brains that still know truth.
OMG, I am so happy I am not the only one with a weed growing in their gutter! Glad that there is rainbow light for you today.
I’m glad you got to see a short burst of rainbow light. Sometimes those flashes are all that keeps us going. I’m starting to get a few here and there, too.
It is the little things that sometimes wake us up to the possibilities that everything is going to be ok for a minute.
I think that’s Sisymbrium irio, or London rocket, but its name just officially changed to gutterweed. I’ll notify ITIS on your behalf so they can make the alteration and work out the Latin involved.
Perhaps this photo captured your aura 😉 it takes courage and determination to move forward-to help yourself, to make healthy choices… especially when everything in you fights that and tells you you’re not worth it. Good job, Jenny! You are worth showing up for yourself and you’re doing that!! You’re really doing beautifully 👍👍👍
You inspire me to do something healthy and joyful for me today whilst I’m in a funnily horrible place. I fell in my bathtub like one of those life alert commercials from the 90’s-“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!” Mind you, I’m a 34 year-old woman. To add insult to injury, my 70-year- old mother told me to get a liner for my tub… my how the tables turn.
After I hurt the shit out leg, I developed another extremely geriatric and embarrassing ailment-hemmroids from lifting heavy things like bags of books, file boxes full of papers, etc this week after my leg recovered. I blame organizational guru Marie Kondo from the show “Tidying up” for inspiring me to KonMarie my apartment. No, my hemmroids did not “spark joy!”
I could barely walk yesterday, and again, was on the phone, humiliatingly with my mother, who was giving me tips on how to feel better like elevating my legs. Why am I telling you about my seemingly “Golden Girls”
shit show of a week?
Because these disasters have to do some kind of good…I have to make some kind of lemonade out of this hot pile of garbage that was this week… and it’s only Wednesday!!! I’m afraid for the rest of this week for me…hides under bed
Sending love, light, laughs, and non-disasters to everyone!
Thank you for sharing this. I love the rainbow. I found out 2 days ago that I have to have my gallbladder out and I am beyond terrified. I had to have emergency surgery last year and the whole thing was such a disaster that I have a serious case of medical PTSD. Everyone says that gallbladder surgery is easy, but they are also people who do not have medical PTSD…
I am hoping I can hold it together for the next month (surgery is May 2nd). I need, like, a rainbow fairy that will put rainbows everywhere and grant wishes and start crazy Twitter threads about what their cat did, or something…
Also, big thank you to the commenter in the previous thread who offered well wishes for me! 🙂
I know there is a light somewhere…I hate plants , but i love my kids and cats. So lets go with that.
Maybe the weed in your gutter is your new spirit animal…or spirit plant? Maybe it even sent the rainbow 😉
My husband spilled a little bit of feed corn in the trunk of his car, and after a minor fender bender there was a tiny gap that we didn’t bother fixing at the bottom. Time goes along, and he finally had to get into the trunk for something, and looking and behold, he had four corners stalks growing in his trunk. It’s the closest we’ve ever been to growing something.
It’s not a weed, it’s a roof garden.
A quote from a John Green book, that I have a poster of, “Today is not your forever.” Just a good reminder that the tough moments will pass and happiness is just around the corner.
Namaste✨
Rainbows and flowers. You rock!
Hugs – i feel you 100!
All good energy going to you Tiger Girl! Thanks for helping so many of us out here struggling too.
When you have time and energy, Jenny (and anyone else who is interested), read ‘Dance Among the Weeds’:
http://www.seniorwomen.com/articles/articlesMcReynoldsMliss.html
I have a tattoo of a dandelion, because weeds are badasses and can survive anything! I love your unlikely sort-of houseplant and I’m glad it brought you a little joy. Keep fighting, Jenny – you are so worth it!
The weed in the gutter seems analogous to MH issues. The fight and will to survive against the odds or something like that.
You’re definitely not alone. All of us are not alone. I’ve definitely wrestled with my own issues and I know a lot of us in the Bloggess Tribe deal with plenty of stuff.
All seeds need to travel through the dark to bloom. Im here for your leprechaun magic, too!
I’m glad that the TMS is helping, Jenny. I went to see a psychologist for the first time today to talk about my anxiety and disordered eating. I almost didn’t go because the thought of talking about my anxiety made me even more anxious but I went anyway, and I’m proud of myself for that. I cried a lot and I hate crying in front of people but I know that getting help was the right thing to do. You and the Tribe helped me to do that, so thanks guys. Sending love to everyone who’s struggling. We’re not alone.
If you can see something positive then all is not lost. There’s hope yet! Hang in there. You’re not alone.
Had a small sunflower growing in my gutter last summer. It brought me so much happiness! Love you & hope your treatment helps!
You’re beautiful, Jenny.
Jenny, beautiful plant. When you take it out of the gutter, and you know you will, replant it, please. Sending you healing thoughts and belly laughs. ❤️
Weeds are just wildflowers that you don’t know the name of.
Thank you for the reminder that I’m not alone. It’s been rough for me lately, too, but I put my name and address in a comment really far down the page on your post last week, and I’ve gotten 5 cards from complete strangers all across the country letting me know that someone out there cares for me… I want you to know how much that has meant to me. Thank you.
This seems like proof that “not depressed” is inside you! Yay!! Then you added to it by finding a rainbow!!!And a healthy flowering plant growing up towards the sun FROM THE GUTTER!!!!
A blessed day for you. 💟 A sign, an omen. I’m not sure that I believe in God but I do believe in omens.
Love to you and your lucky family.
Damn you Mercury Retrograde!
I’m glad you’re getting some help! I try to remember that depression lies, but it’s hard sometimes. I got really sick in December with bronchitis and asthma. This lasted through mid-February and made me more than a little depressed. I took up needle felting to have something to do while I sat so long. I made a 7 inch tall Rory to keep me company and tiny dentures so he had sharp teeth. I’d like to send you a photo if you tell me how. I made a honey badger for my sister, cause that’s what they call her at work! Anyway it had helped alleviate some anxiety because you get to stab away at it! Now that I’m feeling better and can paint again life is better. Feel better soon! You might look depressed but you also sure look pretty!
And this is why I love you, Jenny!
TMS was great for me. I was one of the first 5 in Arkansas to get it. I actually fell asleep during my treatments.
Somebody should invent a brain scan that takes inventory of what necessary chemicals are represented and which are missing. Then we could all take what we’re missing and be fine (instead of huddling in bed under blankets in the middle of the day like I was today). Cases in point: 1) Lithium – If you don’t have it, or enough of it, you’re bipolar; Seratonin – If you don’t have enough, you’re depressed. Such easy fixes.
Whew. At least it wasn’t growing out of your guitar, which is what I read the first time. That would be some crazy bad housekeeping.
I’m with Lynda at 9:10–please carefully move the weed from your gutter and transplant it somewhere it can thrive; it’s such a tough little thing that it deserves to keep on living.
Re depression: been there, doing that, thought I was in the worst funk ever last winter, until this winter’s shitshow came along; my shrink wants me to do TMS, and reading about you doing it has been very reassuring, even if I don’t like the idea of being thumped in the head for 35 weekdays straight. (Now if the folks at the clinic who do this would call back…) Trying to find a full-time job instead of 3 part-timers that still don’t cover everything, and then at the end of February my landlords decided to raise the rent $700 so we’ll leave and their son can have the place. (Kid’s gonna love it the first time the place floods, and it will…it’s a basement that’s flooded 3 times in 10 years.) Then I thought my current roommate & I would find a place together, but Monday he told me he already has something set up for himself, which means my cat and I are trying to find something in the Boston-area housing market, which is completely insane; the likelihood of us finding a studio or 1BD place for under $900 is between slim and none, and at 57 I’m too damn old to move in w/college kids. sigh But I just received references from two friends that were so sweet they made me cry (Who is this amazing person they’re talking about?), and I’ll be filling out papers w/the local housing authority, so perhaps it will all work out.
Anyway, that was just a lot of babble to say that you’re not the only person going through a shitty winter, and maybe, just maybe, things will start to look up for all of us this spring…
Love and light to you Jenny. Keep fighting the good fight. You are a rainbow to all of us..
I just want to stop being continually on the verge of tears. If I was at home it wouldn’t matter, but we are on vacation, w/30 of our “new best friends” and I can’t go curl up in bed for the day.
I have a bracelet from https://www.handsfreemama.com/ that is engraved with a reminder to ‘see flowers not weeds’. I find it helpful.
Love to you, Jenny. You are so strong. You keep us all going. 🥰♥️
I’m barely holding on right now. Things are not good. If anyone would like to send a little uplifting note, could be just a post-it note, it would mean the world to me. I’m very alone. Love to you all. 🤗
Tracy Nicol
106 Brookfield Lane
Geneva IL 60134
I’m sure that weed is technically a problem, but I also kind of love it and hope it can stay.
Keep fighting. You are loved and Depression Lies.
You know you’re bad when your psychiatrist reads your blog and texts you to make sure you’re okay.
It’s avant garde landscaping.
I’m glad the treatment is working. And I hope the clear brain lasts longer than a couple of hours.
It’s such a lovely feeling. It’s just all the chains are off the brain and things feel possible again.
All of us are in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the flowers.
Hey Jenny, I’d love to see a post on what helps you when you’re in the darkness. What do Victor and Hailey do that helps (or that you wish they would do). Does it help if others say “You’re not alone and it will get better”? What does good family support look like for a person with depression?
At the risk of being totally sexist and non-weed-in-the-gutter-supporting…. HELLO, VICTOR? GET YOUR ASS UP A LADDER, SON. YOUR WIFE NEEDS SOME HELP HERE. If there are weeds growing in your gutter, no matter how lovely they may be, they will prevent the gutter from doing what it is supposed to do, and when it rains water will run down the outside of your house and cause damage to the window surrounds and the base of your house. Seriously, Victor. Step up!
When we built our house 20 years ago, the builder forgot the gutters. Since he was a crook and an ass, we were just glad to get him out of our lives and move on, thinking we’d put gutters on in a few months when the weather got better.
We just got gutters installed last October. Yeah, we’re procrastinators.
Anyway, my gutters are too new to grow anything, but now I’m looking forward to the day when I see a beautiful weed growing out of them.
Your consistency in helping others is truly inspiring. It’s been a rough two weeks for me mentally too. Seeing posts like this give a reason to keep fighting on!
Sending you calm and loving vibes. <3
I was just repeating to myself yesterday “you are not alone” because the depth of the feeling of loneliness becomes too much to bear. It somewhat helped. I also tried TMS this past winter (Nov-Jan). I cannot say it helped, it costs an ungodly amount, and yes going somewhere everyday to get your head knocked on is taxing (but honestly if it worked, it would have been worth all of it, money wouldn’t have mattered). I wanted to know if you every considered ECT? I am having a really bad recurring episode of depression that has lasted quite a while. I cannot seem to get out of it.
Sure sign that the lying darkness lifted when you glimpsed a dandelion upside in place of weed-shame. Plus you’re supporting our super important bees. Everybody wins!
Furiously Weedy! That’s all of us.
Also, the bees need that weed and it’s flowers. YOU’RE SAVING THE BEES.
Jenny I have always said that if I had the tenacity of a weed, I would be okay. That said, I just wanted you to know that you and your cat showed up on an internet video of cats loving their owners yesterday. It made me smile to see you at the very end of the video—most of the owners seemed to be Chinese so I guess that is where the video originated but then THERE YOU WERE! It literally made my day because I was having a chronic-pain induced cycle of depression myself. Visit to a surgeon about my back only pointed out more potential problems so more tests and delays to find out just how bad this is all going to be in the end. So YAY for the love and affection that our cats give us (I have three). My cats save me from jumping off of a cliff almost every day (not that I would because I don’t like heights and one recurring dream I have is falling off of a ferris wheel). HUGS!!
I LOVE YOUR FLOWERY ROOF WEED. I believe that plant set OUT to be a metaphor.
My insurance does not cover TMS, but they are looking into the new nasal spray for me. In the meantime I am going to the gym, attending meditation classes, and drinking coffee. I admire your honesty and outlook despite feeling miserable. The struggle bus eventually lets us off for a bit.
Neighbor child who lives in house with very trimmed bushes etc was in my yard… he said “What’s that?” I said a weed, he said “but it’s so BIG” (in tones of disbelief) I said, yep, that’s what happens when you don’t pull them out. I think he was traumatized. At least yours has flowers.
Virtual (or magically manifesting) flowers and rainbows to all of us. We deserve them.
The rainbow is trying to warm your sad face. Let it do it’s work.
I admire weeds. Despite us thinking they’re not decorative enough or entertaining enough to be allowed to exist with us, the tenacious little bastards just keep coming back.
I once had a teacher who said that the technical definition of a weed is any plant growing where you don’t want it to grow. So a rose growing in the middle of your hallway would be a weed, while a dandelion in your field of dandelions is a valued plant. So props to your gutter plant, whatever it may be.
I’ve always wondered who decided which plants are flowers and which are weeds. Technically, daisies are weeds, but they are my favorite flowers.
Kind of like people that way. 🙂
I love you gutter plant!
Weeds are only plants some jerk decided are undesirable because they are too easy to grow.
YAY! Spring is here. Take every little sign you can….
that happened to me. The weed in the gutter thing. I took a photo and said hey we know anyone who can clean gutters to my mom(cause I don’t climb ladders to pull weeds from the roof) and she was like sure why? Sent her the photo and all she could do was laugh. Yes we did clean the gutters. It’s funny in a weird sort of way.
Thank you for sharing your treatment and your gutter flower 🙂 <3
Thank you for sharing your treatment, leprechaun light, and gutter flower :0 <3 I can’t even grow weeds…in my gutter or otherwise! haha
While technically a weed, dandelions are great bee attractants — so yay for the pollinators!
I guess I see that “weed” as a symbol of tenacity, the drive to thrive and survive. While it may be a nuisance, it’s a symbol of life. I sometimes I feel like I’m in a gutter, but life can grow there as well. Keep thriving dandelion woman!
Thank you for sharing. I love your writing and have all three of your books! Also, I bought 6 copies of Furiously Happy to give to people that I know could use some help.
You’ve inspired me to try rTMS as well. They keep asking if I want to watch TV, but I can’t concentrate with all the helmet noise. 🙂
Thanks for being you and continuing on.
We can’t do anything to ‘fix’ you… but we can tell you we’re listening, and you’re not alone. So many people hide depression or anxiety or mental health issues. You talk about it head on, and you give us courage.
Jenny, that weed looks to me like wild mustard. So you could actually put the leaves into a salad for a little spicy taste and you are not only keeping a plant alive, YOU ARE A FARMER! Give yourself a pat on the back. 🙂
Jenny, that weed looks to me like wild mustard, which not only means you can put it into a salad for a little bit of a spicy taste, but it also means that YOU ARE A FARMER!! So, pat yourself on the back. 🙂
Thank you for saying it over and over. Anxiety and depression are physical illnesses. You’ve been a lifeline for me ever since I first read Furiously Happy. It is so easy to slip into “it’s a character flaw” thinking. Whenever I start drifting in that direction I drop by to see what the Bloggess has to say. Than you for your courageous honesty.
I had to stop watching the news and going on Twitter. It makes me so full of anger, anxiety, sadness, despair that I can’t choose between running screaming in the streets, or punching someone in the face. I also suffer from not forgiving myself, and the worst was when I heard my daughter doing it too. I cried for her, for me, for the world.
Also, I had a plant from the grout in my shower, where previously ants had entered into said shower. I am pretty sure if the siding was removed from outside my bathroom wall, there you would find a giant ant colony, and since it’s been sandwiched between my tile and siding it would look like a giant ant farm sans glass. So there’s the rainbow.
I’m on Day 5 as well. It’s a kick to the head. I hate it and thought I couldn’t stand it but I am resolute. Looks like we’re on the same journey at exactly the same time. I’m not looking for results yet, if they come they’ll be weeks away.
It’s a damn kick in the head
Not a weed. A flower. I could use a punch in the head this week myself.
Thank you for sharing. I have been struggling as well and I keep reminding my self “drepssion lies”. A million thank yous for sharing, and I love your gutter flowers 😄
dear lady, i fight this fight every day. you get tons of support and messages about how you have touched others and helped them. why, just this week the lovely gail carriger asked for funny book recommendations for a project she is working on and “jenny lawson” was probably the most-recommended amongst the parasol protectorate after Good Omens, douglas adams, and maybe one other. my own cycles are long ones, and i can go months at a time feeling strong and pretty good, and then months where the depression seems (as your family noticed) stamped on every fiber of my being. as long as you just keep doing everything humanity finds to fight that malaise, it won’t win.
It’s one of those weeks. I had some red wine to relax (rare for me). He took his pills too early and fell asleep. Somehow we got to the end of a movie, now I’m helping him to bed. It’s not romantic, it’s justt life and we love each other and do the best we can. Keep going, you are a light for many. It’s okay when you don’t see rainbows, but we appreciate you sharing when you do. Sparkle, dear prism lady.
Also, gutter flowers is a great band name
Ursula gardens in North Carolina and recently posted about how hard she had tried to grow the bright yellow native poppies in her yard and they always died. This year they have come up in totally different places from where she planted and are flowering. Good wishes for unexpected flowering.
https://twitter.com/UrsulaV/status/1111347517659234304
Hang in there Genny! This spring (or lack thereof) has been really hard on my mental health. I spent last weekend crying for no reason. Had my mid-year review and cried through that entire thing even though it was a really positive experience and my supervisor knows about my issues and is super supportive. Sucks. Yay for your flower and for rainbows!
JENNY not Genny – just that kind of week.
In my first ever house we had a little barrel out front, and out of nowhere a tree grew in it. (A Chinese Elm to be specific) I didn’t have the heart to pull it out so it kept growing. Finally it was trying to burst out of the barrel, so a friend of ours came by with a truck and took it home and planted it somewhere on his farm. This was ten years ago. I wonder if it’s still growing.
I LOVE that! (keeping a plant alive by neglecting to tend to socially ingrained housekeeping practices, not mental illness struggles. They suck.)
Personally, I’m in a black cloud that I deny on a regular basis. I’m good at acting normal and most people never guess the horrors in my head. Today, The Empire Strikes back is playing in the other room, and as I walked through the room, Yoda was giving Luke the speech about “my ally is the Force” and I think I really need to channel my inner Yoda.
The ecological role of weeds is to move into a terrible environment, pull nutrients up out of the soil, and create better conditions for the plants that will follow it. It’s why we see weeds growing in places of high disturbance and where nothing else can grow. Just by being themselves, they change the environment.
Jenny, you’re in a hostile environment, one created by both your body and by our culture’s treatment of mental and chronic illness. You’re tough and have adapted to thrive in that difficult space. And you change the environment by making it better for those suffering in the same way.
So maybe you’re a weed. In the best possible way.
Yes, Jenny, the weed is analogous to your life. Tenacious as hell. And weeds are only weeds because someone in society decided they were. When I see something like weeds growing out of cracks in the wall, It gives me great hope for survival of life on this planet.
And Jenny, dear, you ARE the rainbow.
I am working with a therapist right now fighting my way out of a depression that I am realizing has been going on for years. It’s embarrassing to admit it. The people who caused the drama are long gone. I am oppressing myself now, body and soul. It’s gotten comfortable to be this way, and I am afraid I don’t have the strength will to climb out of it.
My scenic painting/portrait work got applause during the middle of a musical on Friday night. People do know I exist. There is nothing that wrong. Right?
Weed is just a word that means free spirit. (Unless of course we are talking about that OTHER kind of weed, and maybe free spirit fits somehow there as well.)
Free spirits thrive when not pushed or prodded or drowned or dried out. They acclimate to where their chosen foothold is and they thrive when allowed to be their true wild selves without a bunch of rules or demands!
Your weed looks very happy.
It IS leprechaun magic… it just took a couple weeks to reach you. The rainbow and the flowering gutter-weed are amazing, and I love them. I can’t wait for their debut album, btw. If it doesn’t come soon, I shall be naming my next folk band “Rainbow and the Flowering Gutter-Weeds”.
Spring is always funky for me. I prefer winter hibernation. I don’t want to do yard work. I don’t want to wear warm weather clothing that makes it harder to hide myself and my body. ☹️ Outside of work, I can’t extend myself to friends anymore. I either get criticized or rejected. I can’t fake being social. I’m also realizing the people I like the most always reject me. I try not to be a huge downer to others, but maybe it just comes out anyway with some people. I think it’s best if I keep to myself except for when I have to at work. Then I won’t irritate others or get rejected. I worry about money a lot. I hope I don’t live too long to an old age because the pain and hassle isn’t worth it. Sorry for being such a bummer today.
I have seen the depression in your face recently, as well. I expect I have the same expression a lot lately. We are both lucky that we have people who love us and who understand (as much as they can without having experienced it themselves) what we are going through, and who are willing to let us put ourselves in their hands until we are better. May we both come out the other side soon. <3
Weeds are just flowers/plants growing in an unwanted place. If you want it in your gutter, it is no longer a weed, it is a choice 🙂
It’s a lovely flower!