Really, me?

in Random Crap, TMS is painful but not as painful as depression

So this week has been particularly hard for me mentally and I think there must be something in the air because it feels like lots of people are struggling right now.  My doctor was concerned enough though to move the TMS coil to another area of my brain and hopefully that will help.  The depressing part about treating depression is that so much of it is a bit of a science experiment.  Is the TMS working and would I have been much worse without treatment?  Is it not working as much as last time?  Is this my brain lying to me?  Is it working for my motivation and anxiety but my depression is so strong that I can’t appreciate the improvement?  I don’t know. But I’ll keep moving forward if you will.  Nothing is perfect…treatment, life, me…but that doesn’t mean it isn’t worthwhile.

Today during treatment I pulled out an embroidery project to distract me from the woodpecker-like pounding in my head and congratulated myself for being able to concentrate enough to work on a project.

(Pattern by Odd Ana Stitch)

…Until I realized that I had somehow sewn myself to the fabric and literally had to cut myself out of my own mess.

This feels very metaphorical but I’m too unfocused to pull it all together so instead I’ll just say that if you’re struggling this week you are not alone and I love you and you will get through this.  I promise.

196 thoughts on “Really, me?”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I love the look of the jaws on that fish. I think this is sign you should put these designs on clothes.

  2. I wish I didn’t feel like this right now, my body is sick, my brain is still lying to me. I’m falling down the well right now and I cannot see the light…

    (I’m sending you so much love. You are not alone. ~ Jenny)

  6. Trust me, you are not the only one who has done this. With all the noise of the TMS, it is a wonder you could concentrate on your embroidery at all. You’re doing just fine. Hang in there – we’re here for you, always.

  7. At least you didn’t sew into your own leg! Can you imagine having to show up at the ER with a bad case of “embroidery leg”?

  8. LAMPFISH! Almost as good as a cuttlefish which of course is my favoritest favorite because they can do ALL THE THINGS! Change color and texture and pattern and only on certain body parts and they are superawesome and we should all wish for reincarnation as one.
    Also I have TOTALLY sewn myself to cross stitch projects as well as button and hem repairs so you are not alone. <3

  11. You helped me heal so much with your call to words address swap. I’m grateful to you and hope that might help you heal a little more, too. Thank you!

  12. April is generally a month of bad feelings. People go nuts in April. I blame the sun’s position…

  13. To be honest, I hope you sacrificed the skirt for the embroidery, because that embroidery is amazing. Sorry things are rough, I hope this helps. -Karin

  14. I do embroidery, and I make that same mistake all the time.
    Solution: keep a magazine on your lap between you and the cloth on which you are embroidering.
    Hang in there, Jenny, and I will too. ♥

  15. Oh, Jenny, I have sewn myself into a mess, too. You are such a bright light in a dark world.

  16. These things happen. I was working on a big project once and didn’t realize I had embroidered through the callous on my finger. Ick. Take care.

  17. I’m so sorry it’s been such a struggle. It seems like March and April as a tough time for so many. As far as sewing your dress to your needle point, if it makes you feel any better, when I was in HS I did props and costumes for the drama club and managed to sew several costumes to myself during a rehearsal and discovered it when I stood up in front of everyone. Awesome. As always I’m cheering for you over here and sending good vibes to help you keep moving forward.

  18. @Rotten_Ralph Don’t forget that depression lies. You are worthy. YOU are the light at the bottom of the well.

  20. I’ve been dealing with the lies really badly lately. It’s hard, but every time you post about your struggles with mental health it makes me feel a little better to know that I’m not alone. Thank you for sharing yourself with us.

  21. Last week and this week have been weird weeks. Maybe it’s that spring has sprung but there was a totally unnecessary fire drill at work because other people were freaking out. And I’m down enough that I can barely bring myself to care. I’m looking for another job and at least I’m getting rejections so I’m not TOTALLY invisible… but I feel like just barely. Keep breathing and I will too.

  22. I have done this without the help of magnetic woodpeckers. that’s another awesome pattern.

  23. So much YES!!! This has been a week and then some!! Thanks for the words. I have sewn myself to my metaphorical dress more than once this week and it’s only Wednesday.😢😩🤦🏻‍♀️

  25. Yes, many many of my spoonie friends & MEeps are struggling this week. Hope mercury or whatever planet is in retro-whatever-the-fuck cleans up its act!

  26. Been there, done that-but luckily not into skin. Although I have so many pokes from felting that I’ve gotten over my fear of needles and feel like a pincushion sometimes. Keep on doing what you do. I truly hope you get to a better place and that this treatment works for you. You are bravest in the world for trying it. I just sit home and stab myself (felting, just felting, not a cry for intervention) or sleep the day away. I also want to let you that I’ve been getting SO Many wonderful cards and letters and stickers and poetry and love from Jenny’s Tribe members. I am happy I took the plunge and gave out my real live address. These surprises really have let a little sunshine into my heart. Thank You to Everyone who has written to me, a total stranger, to let me know I’m not alone. (J in Bremerton)

  28. This sounds like every day this week. Let’s blame it on the Ides of April.
    Love to you all!

  29. Yes, it’s been hard but we are still here and that’s
    A win in my book.

  30. I wish I could do embroidery, I tried counted cross stitch years ago and just didn’t go well. Yours are amazing. I have been having a very off week as well, I feel off and just want to sleep. I have managed to get some few sewing projects done but no where near what I had hoped to do. Hopefully next week will be better for all of us.

  31. Do I see a nose and chin and shoulder under that scary deep sea fish, or is my brain trolling me?

    (Good eye. It’s a girl in a fish mask. ~ Jenny)

  33. I would love to have one of your embroideries, if you ever need to offload one <3 I’ll pay for shipping and totally not get upset if it takes you over 11 months to take the package to the post office, because I UNDERSTAND

  34. Yep. Count me in on sewing a project to my own skirt. I was thankful to have a seam ripper on hand to pick each stitch out without ruining the skirt! Hope you start feeling better soon. We’re all pulling for you. 🙂

  35. Reminiscent of the scene in Umbrella Academy where the mom sews the embroidery into her hand.. at least you didn’t do that?

  36. Thanks for reminding me I’m not alone right now.

    It’s been a shitty week at work the last two weeks and I am just OVER it. We will have 4 weeks left of school (I’m a school lunch lady) once we come back from Easter break and I AM SO READY for it to be fucking summer.

  38. I, too, have often anchored myself to my art. Actually and metaphorically, it’s a good thing.

  39. Jenny, to quote my favorite author, you are not alone and I love you and you will get through this! ❤️

  40. I sewed my project to my skirt once & then had to pick out all the stitching. And right then we had an earthquake which was totally not my fault. (I think)

  41. I shut my OWN HEAD in my car tailgate yesterday. I have a lump in the center of my head that makes me look like someone from Star Trek. 🙁

  42. Just keep stabbing, just keep stabbing (in my Dory voice) and I have sewn myself to a project too. Depression lies and it is an a-hole also!

  44. I just found a counselor who seems to understand me. I feel cautiously optimistic. Keep fighting. We are by your side.

  45. Depression is like a tsunami, hang on with all your strength or get swept away. The rest of us are yelling “Hang on! PLEASE DON’T LET GO!” It’s all we can do till the waters recede. We need you, please don’t give up.

  46. Depression is like a tsunami, hang on with all your strength or get swept away. The rest of us are yelling “Hang on! PLEASE DON’T LET GO!” It’s all we can do till the waters recede. We need you, please don’t give up.

  47. Ooh, I have also stitched myself onto a project. Or the project to myself? Anyway, you’re not alone, and I don’t just mean because you now have an attached stitched insect friend. I am thinking good thoughts for you and hope the fog of depression is livsting soon.

  49. It will get better. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Sorry about sewing yourself to your skirt though. I will say, come back when you have a housefore every time you cook . Take care of yourself!

  50. My first successfully completed doll dress, (right sides together for once, sleeves lined up) under instruction from Granny, ended in the same way. I was anguished that she chose to destroy Muffy’s dress instead of just cutting the front of my own dress off!

  51. My pdoc told me last week that there really is something about this time of year – April, in particular … they’re extra busy and people struggle the most, and it’s partly due to Dumblight Savings Time and partly to just something, not light, not dark, not the tilt of the earth, but something very real. Hearing that gave me a little bump forward, so I’m passing the bump along.

  52. You’re definitely not alone. Here is to bad days and fighting through them. You keep going and so will I.

  55. Did you know there are tattoos that look like embroidery now? I spent some time the other day looking at them to quiet my mind for a bit.

  56. I have done this exact thing many, many times. (And without the “excuse” of an intense distraction like a medical procedure…)

  57. I’ve done practically the same thing. When I was in Junior High, I attempted sewing for the first and last time. I needed a ripped knee repaired and tried to do it myself. Sewed the front of the pantleg to the back so I couldn’t get my leg in.

    Moooooommmmmmm!

  58. Jenny! It could be worse—after I sewed fake boot tops onto jazz shoes for a week (yay, theater!), my finger callus got so thick that I didn’t even feel myself sewing my FINGER to the last pair of boots. I stitched right through the callus. So, on the bright side, you didn’t have to cut your finger off…??? 😁

  59. Rooting for you Jenny and all of those struggling right now. Keep fighting you can get through this!.

  60. Thank you Jenny for the beautiful support and empathy as always that you demonstrate to others.
    -even when your depression is being a major asshole to you.

    The fact that you posted a great post today AND you did that magical embroidery-well it’s astonishing you forge on like you do even when your depression is being a vampirish douche canoe. Frankly, you make me look like a pointless sloth like LOL.
    You are ALWAYS worth the effort you put into yourself. You need this treatment. Please keep going until you are back to center.

    So very sorry your head is a mess right now. I relate. I was having a real shit show of a week, and then, Notre Dame went up in flames. I cried-devastated-I had a dream I would go inside Notre Dame one day-it was a dream I had
    as a lover of beauty, art, France, and of my faith. I cried most of all for the people of France… that their crown jewel of a sanctuary would be wiped away.

    Then, within a day, everything some how got a lot better. The entire church didn’t burn down-the altar, ghost like, stood strongly in the rubble of a picture I saw after the fire was put out. A billion euros has been raised already to help rebuild it. Although it will never be the same, it may stand even more beautiful than it once did because it will represent a coming together of France. Things personally somehow also drastically turned around for me within a day as well and I couldn’t be more grateful.

    A lot can happen in a day, and goodness knows how much things can change for the better given a bit of time. You felt better when you did your treatments before, which means you can again Jenny! Don’t lose the faith! Hugs!!!!

  62. As someone who is a Spring depressive, I can relate.
    We love you.
    As you say, depression lies. It tell us that we will feel this way forever and we know that is not true.
    Sending love and holding you in my heart

  64. I totally understand. I feel like I am pushing forward so hard that I am going to collaps3.

  65. I have sewn a project to my pants on more than one occasion and I’ve sewn professionally.

  66. Many (virtual) hugs to you Jenny. I’m feeling a little outside of myself lately as well. With me I am never certain if it’s grief (it’s coming up on two years that I lost my beloved niece and then my father less than 2 weeks later) or if it’s depression. We (my doctor and I) are still trying to figure that one out. I hope you’re feeling a little better very soon. ❤️

  67. I really needed this today, so thank you. I’ve had a very bad few days, on every level from personal worries to the adverse effects of our society. My car is inoperative and if I can’t get it fixed, I might as well just give up. I’ll lose my job, I’ll have no way to make money (public transportation here is shit), and it’ll just be sinking ever deeper at that point. I’m scared, but trying to be hopeful. I’ll try to hold on.

  68. Jenny,
    If it makes you feel any better, I’ve sewn myself into projects without the distraction of medical woodpeckers.

    Your embroidery is gorgeous.

  69. It has been a hard week. I even asked my neurologist if it was OK that I am so much more emotional when I have a migraine. Depression lies to me, so I can’t tell if it’s my true feelings or my hippocampus not being able to differentiate between emotional and physical pain. I’m so glad that you write this blog. I’m thankful every day that I can feel not so alone.

  70. Sad. Not depressed. I’m not trying to be superior, just clarifying:) I like you! You’re funny! Thank you.

  72. You are so not alone. And yes, there is something in the air. My sensitive son is struggling, despite a recent increase in anti anxiety meds.

  73. April is the cruellest month (T. S. Eliot) and I’m black as the blackest ocean (Tori Amos) but maybe the beautiful genius of well placed words will float me to my next opportunity to make a new assessment.

  75. As someone who hand sews a lot I can’t count the number of times I’ve done that!

  76. You should make a book of cross stitch patterns and other crafty ideas to do when you’ve got depression. Your stuff is amazing and I’m sure it would be a big hit. Depression sucks!

  77. Out of all the cruddiness going around, something better must be going around too — I read your post and was going to post T.S. Eliot’s quote “April is the cruellest month” (from “The Wasteland”), and someone else out there is on the same wavelength and had already posted it.
    Somehow we will all get through all of it together.

  78. Hang in there Jenny- “you got this” sounds so trite, but I really believe you do…

  79. hopefully this raccoon story will cheer you up: I volunteer at a wildlife center where three tiny baby raccoons were brought after their mother was found dead and the wonderful husband and wife founders of the center raised the babies by hand so the babies think the founders are their mom and dad. The raccoons now go into an outdoor enclose during the days to play and so the public can see them. One day the “dad” was alerted that he needed to bring some cash for the gift shop cash register so he wadded up a bunch of bills and stuffed them in his front shirt pocket. Then he decided to visit the raccoons on his way to the shop. He entered the enclosure and one of the babies flew off a tree and landed in his arms and while the crowd is cooing and he’s thinking “oh this is nice – for everyone to experience this bonding moment between species” the raccoon sneakily pulls out the wad of bills and throws it in the air so now it’s “raining cash.” He then had to scramble to gather the hundreds of dollars scattered all over, while the crowd laughed and all three of the raccoons tried to gather and eat the bills.

  80. Been there, done that, burned the t-shirt. I miss embroidering. Well, kinda sorta. It makes my hands hurt now. I had to give it up. And crochet and knitting. And sewing. I just let it go and keep on doing what I can do which is coloring until I get tired or start hurting and then stop.

    To those I’m sending cards and stickers to…..You will get them as I’m sending out a batch tomorrow. Depression sucks/lies and it sucked me down this past week or so. Thank you to everyone that’s been sending me cards/postcards/letters/washi tape/stickers! They helped! Loved the Christmas card! My daughter loved her washi tape too!

    {hugs}
    Sandy

  81. This week has been particularly hard for me and it kind of sucks. I guess it’s good I can’t embroider or I probably would have embroidered my fingers together. I knit, though, and I’ve been dropping stitches a lot, which is probably also a metaphor for something.

    I’m still getting cards from people and it’s quite lovely. So there’s that little sliver of sunshine.

  83. thank you for the laugh! my depression this week has been kicking my @&$! jenny your humor has truly been the only thing keeping me from caving into the darkness. i fall asleep on my bedroom floor with my dog clementine and play your audiobook so i come in and out of sleep to random snippets from furiously happy…. chuckle and doze back off to sleep. it’s not a bad way to go! cudoos to you for even attempting a needle point project today! i needed the giggle. thank you!

  84. I am there too. Can’t focus can get my shit Together Just a struggle

  85. I have been struggling with motivation.The only thing I want to do is color. I posted a Tweet that I got paid to color, enough that I paid off mortgage and vehicles. Wouldn’t that be great, someone asked me if I was serious Ha, never!

  86. You are definitely not alone. Thank you for sharing everything. It eases the struggle. We love you. We will get through this.

  88. OK JUST SAYIN’….. have TOTALLY SONE THIS TO MYSELF!!! It happens!!! Love you girl!!

  89. This is why I crochet… because I tried cross stitching and would always sew myself to my project. It got to be so annoying, I’m just not graceful enough for it lol.

    Glad you’re hanging in there and not giving up. I know how hard it can be at times.

  90. “The depressing part about treating depression is that so much of it is a bit of a science experiment.” Boy, THAT’S the truth. If it helps, way back when, my Mom was cutting some fabric in her lap and pretty much cut the skirt right off of herself. In public.

  91. That’s awesomely funny! Do you know how many times that happens to any of us who work with needle and thread? (I am a quilter.) It happens more than you would think, even for those of us who have been stitching & bitching for years.

    DId you create that anglerfish-with-barette-in-hair design? It’s fabulous. If you ever feel motivated to make patterns and sell them, people would love it. But only if you have the energy. Get well first.

  92. Oh wait, now I see who the pattern is from. May I say you are WINNING at embroidery right now.

  93. I’ve done that same thing and I was of sound mind (at the time.) it’ll be ok, Jenny. Truly.

  94. I’m gonna keep going, too. I can’t say I know what you’re going through, but I can say I know that chemo brain is real, and I’m now more aware than I ever have been how it feels to not be able to form complete thoughts or find words to use. Your embroidery is spectacular, and I am so happy I’m not the only person who sews myself into my projects. Thank you Jenny. Much love, sister.

  95. I have to say, as a costumer, I do this to myself all. the. time. You are getting through, and some days that’s all we can do.

  96. I’m amazed you can concentrate on anything during your treatment! Hoping you’re feeling brighter soon! ❤️❤️❤️

  97. So glad to hear someone else is feeling the same way. That sounds awful but it’s true. Insert loves company or is it because I don’t feel so all alone? Either way reading your blog helps me so, thanks for ✍️!

  98. This resonates with me so much. I pulled myself out of an unsafe situation this past week and stood up for myself when everyone around me said I should be having fun. I’m so glad I had the courage to be strong and persistent. It’s been rough and now I am working back to “normal”. Hoping this entire experience won’t cloud my vision and attitude for too long. It’s hard, but you are right it’s so worth it.

  101. Totally something I would have done, stitching myself to my project…I have been trying mental/neuro pathway rezprogramming-trying to turn negative into positive…fighting ones self is exhausting, seems more tiring than fighting another human physically or mentally. Yet, we press on. Sometimes we realize the hope that perhaps tomorrow will be better.

  102. Totally something I would have done, stitching myself to my project…I have been trying mental/neuro pathway rezprogramming-trying to turn negative into positive…fighting ones self is exhausting, seems more tiring than fighting another human physically or mentally. Yet, we press on. Sometimes we realize the hope that perhaps tomorrow will be better.

  103. Totally something I would have done, stitching myself to my project…I have been trying mental/neuro pathway re-programming-trying to turn negative into positive…fighting ones self is exhausting, seems more tiring than fighting another human physically or mentally. Yet, we press on. Sometimes we realize the hope that perhaps tomorrow will be better.

  105. This was perfect timing because I have been struggling this week too. And both of my daughters! Super weird and unsettling.

  106. Hi, you will prevail as we do. ❤️ As a fellow traveler may I thank you now for the embroidery hook up on Etsy! Gave you credit for the buy 😀

  107. That fish-person-thing looks awesome (and kinda terrifying?). sends lots of hugs I’m glad you are continuing treatment and I hope things get better for you soon.

    I’ve been majorly struggling this past week, though not because of my depression (well, not totally). My mom had surgery and was in the hospital for a week, just transferred to a rehab place last night, expected to be there at least a week…. I’m an adult and yadayada but I very much need my mom, I’ve never lived in this apartment without her, I’m not used to being away from her more then a few hours at a time. This is complete torture and I lost count of the number of times I’ve cried, like the big ugly crying. I’ve been listening to Furiously Happy on a loop (I believe I’m somewhere around 3 hours into the 3rd listen this week), it helps.

  108. I once sewed through the palm of my hand into the armrest of the couch with my embroidery needle and thread. You know, if that makes you feel better. And I didn’t even have a woodpecker on my head.

  109. I sew myself into every project at least once. And that’s when I’m totally focused on the project.
    We’ll all hang in there together.

  110. I’m so sorry you’re struggling. It just sucks! Please know that it will get better and that even though you’re depressed, you are still able to create a funny blog. Prayers, and hang in there. We all love you.

  111. Thank you, for always being that Ray of hope for me. It’s nice to know we are not alone going thru some rough days and nights.

  112. You will get better, you are pretty darn good even when you think you aren’t. You have to get there, you have a book store to open!!!! I will be flying in for the grand day for sure!

  113. ROTTEN RALPH- Please keep fighting- the light IS there! Remember, you can’t have a rainbow without a storm…

  114. Geez. How can you be falling apart and have such wonderful words of love and wisdom. Hugs.

  115. I’m sorry you are having a tough week — I hope it gets better. (I have sewn myself into projects, one time on a sewing machine. Yes, it’s possible.) I just wanted to say that I adore your writing — you always make me laugh until my gut hurts or I pee a little (or both), and for that I thank you. I also want to thank you for making the only dollhouse with a secret room — I think yours is the very BEST haunted dollhouse in the world. (Where did you find that creepy Changeling-not-the-Angelina-Jolie-One wheelchair? Sersly.) I am a FREAK about scary shit, secret passages, and dollhouses, so that makes you my Personal Jesus. Please let me know if your dollhouse is ever on display somewhere public that I could go and pay big fat bucks to see. Hogs and thistles.

  116. Thank you. A million times thank you for sharing. We need each other and need to be reminded to keep going.

  117. I’m sorry i can’t hear you because of the constant ringing in my ears from the implant surgery i had a f’n week ago that STILL HURTS LIKE SOMEBODY is DRILLING into my jaw RIGHT NOW!! and if someone tells me that it will ALL be worth it again while i am in this agonizing shitstorm of pain that will not relent after 7 solid days…i swear i will sew more than just an embroidery ring to their bodies! HANG IN THERE MOTHERFR’S – WE’RE not done yet….
    XOXO as always – XSTACY

  118. Thanks Jenny!! Needed these words after a craptastic week full of MONDAYS that I am so over!! Many hugs..SILVER RIBBONS…well, you know it’s the thought that counts, because blah, blah, collective crafting, depression is a bitch..

  119. I am currently in freefall from a medication lapse that happened despite my best efforts. I will be without my meds for at least a quarter (12 weeks), and just hoping & praying my symptoms don’t get too debilitating. YANA, Jenny. You are never alone.

  120. You fulfilled a long-whispered prophecy and became One with the Dress! This would have allowed you to rule the fashion scene for years, before your inevitable downfall. Then you cut the connection, restarting the prophecy (like a video game reset) Probably all for the best– picking a new blank-is-the-new-black keeps getting harder

  121. It’s been a super hard week for me and I couldn’t figure out why. I finally realized it was the anniversary of my mom’s death on Monday. Plus that day I found out my friend was in the hospital and I was so scared she wouldn’t be ok. I hadn’t realized I h gotten so close to her but I really care about her and want her to be ok. It’s crazy we’ve never met in person but talk everyday online. I consider her a really good friend. Then that night on a cat group I’m on we found out one of the girls passed away. The whole group is so upset even though we never actually knew her she posted all the time and we grew to love her and her cat ghost. I never would’ve thought I’d miss some one so much that I never knew. I don’t get attached to people mostly because they kinda suck (not the ones on here you all rock). Sorry for the long post but it’s been a tuff few days. Do something nice for yourselves

  122. I wondered how you could top the farting chair story SO much last week, but this is also right up my alley. Hence why I’m not much of a crafter. 😬 I think you are amazing in how you keep on-keeping on. You are very right-life is still worth the living in spite of all the ups and downs.

  123. I’ve done that, also crazy-glued myself to things – it’s easy when you’re micro-focused on a detail of what you’re doing. That’s a striking image, BTW. Keep slogging – you’re encouraging a lot of us.

  124. CBD gummies from a reputable distributor contain no THC. I didn’t think it would work for me, but it has. You could try it …or not. Just a thought. As long as it’s legal in Texas, of course.

  125. I’m still getting feel good postcards from your post awhile back. It’s been amazing! You’ve helped me and so many others by starting this. I’m sending out some more tomorrow. You are wonderful… Keep f*cking going!

  126. I love how creative you are! I’ve done the same thing and wove myself right into the picture. LOL!
    Hang in there. This is a year for change for me. It’s my WOTY. My daughter pointed out that changing is uncomfortable. That’s for dang sure! I need to start on an embroidery project or paint or draw to chill out once in a while and enjoy life. Change can be exhausting!

  127. I would HIGHLY recommend trying Ketamine infusions. My daughter has been getting them for over 2 years and hasn’t fallen into a deep depression in a really really long time. It’s pretty amazing stuff with new studies showing great results.

  130. You have helped me so much, I don’t feel like I’m alone in this. Thank you.

  131. I blame the weather. It should be spring but it’s still cold, at least here it is.

  133. I crochet so fortunately have never attached myself physically to a project, but never say never! If it could be done I’d be the one.
    Jenny just look at the amazing tribe you have gathered! Your words resonate with all of us! It’s funny that so many people in one place identify with feeling alone. “Team Jenny” is living breathing proof that depression lies because here we all are!! Not being alone, together!!
    It hurts Babe. God it fucking hurts and you just want it to stop so you can think clearly about something other than how depressed you are.
    Stick with the magnet-peckers or any other crazy voodoo magic your doc thinks might help.
    You are important. You matter. Your tribe of crazies needs you!! Love you!!

  134. I know this feeling all too well. Sometimes when my doctor says, “How are you responding to your medication?” I don’t even have words to answer. My brain is a circus, all the performers are rioting, and someone let the lions out and they’re PISSED.
    Meanwhile, I’m standing in the middle where someone handed me a cane and a top hat and said, “This is yours now. Good luck!”
    I don’t know if any of that made sense, but the important thing is I’m still able to hope that things will get better. Some days all you have is hope. Hold onto that.

  135. A moment of light in hard times. Hugs! I’ve been reading your blog since 2008 and I think you’re amazing. Thanks for sharing your life with us <3

  136. Thank you for sharing your struggles, Jenny. You are a lifeline to me. This month has been difficult for me, too, and I may be developing a new symptom for my anxiety…I’m not sure. I’m trying hard to curb it, before it gets out of hand, but this week and the last one feels like they’re out to sabotage me. Knowing that you and your fans understand the Downward Spiral Is comforting beyond words. Thank you for creating a community where we can hurt without shame, and heal.

  138. You aren’t a true needleworker until you’ve attached yourself to your work. (There is no need to keep count of how many times this happens.)

  139. Is that fish wearing a HAIR CLIP??? I certainly hope so! That would make my day!

  140. I finally got myself on some medication and my depression & anxiety ARE doing better. I still have days, though, when I feel like it isn’t working and that makes those days even harder because “I wasn’t supposed to feel like this anymore”. I keep trying to tell myself that I’m having fewer of those days and that they aren’t AS bad as they used to be when they do hit. I have to remind myself that there is no miracle cure and I’m not going to be 100% happy all of the time, but that I do have more happy days than I used to and I should be grateful for that. Sometimes that works…those days and that they aren’t AS bad as they used to be when they do hit. I have to remind myself that there is no miracle cure and I’m not going to be 100% happy all of the time, but that I do have more happy days than I used to and I should be grateful for that. Sometimes that works…

  141. It almost would seem easier if there was a blood test or something that indicates anxiety/ depression/ “mental” other. To have a definitive, black & white confirmation that it is there, and that it can be fixed. You could treat it and know with certainty of how you are progressing.

    Instead, there is this definitive yet ambiguous fog, dullness of life, heavy weights of “burden,” a racing heartbeat, etc… when things should be clear, focused, honest, comfortable, and real. No test to confirm one way or another. Man…. that clarity of confirmation would come in handy to show your loved ones… here… see. No, it is not just something I can get over!

    When a person is moving forward even with all of these “unmeasurable” encumbrances, that is a strong person.

  142. I’ve sewn myself to my embroidery before, too. You had the excuse of the distraction of the treatment. I was just sitting on my couch…

  143. You definitely are not alone. March is notorious for “the blues” but it’s mid-April and so many people seem to be struggling. Stay strong.

  144. Love the mask..my favorite fish..tell the hinky part of ur brain to go away..
    It has to listen to u..keep on blogging.. I very much look forward to it..

  145. I have done this. Also I adore you and I believe in you. Keep going.

  146. ANGLERFISH! My middle child was so hoping that the baby I was pregnant with would actually be an angler fish. Alas, it turned out to be a human child. It has been 10 years, and his disappointment has not lessened.

    Hang in there, Jenny. This, too, shall pass.

  147. Your post is me right now. I’m going thru a major depression and getting rTMS as well (for the first time). One thing that helped. When I first started the treatments, I was given three depression tests where I ranked myself on severity of various symptoms. Last Tuesday she gave me the same tests again and all three of my “scores” dropped, meaning I was doing better. If you asked me if I was doing better, I would have said No. But she showed me the baseline vs. today graph and there it was. Scientific evidence of improvement. I took a picture of it and look at that picture often. Just a suggestion. Worked for me because I am an atheist who trusts science.

    I was also a crying, snotting mess during the Notre Dame Paris fire. As someone noted above, thankfully the damage was not as severe as I expected. And the facade was saved.

  148. My sister sent me a picture with a tortoise walking and it says ‘ Your speed doesn’t matter: Forward is forward. It helps me during those down times when you think nothing is changing. I hope this helps everyone else too.

  149. I wrote a blog just today about not giving up. It has been a long journey of depression and attempted suicides for me. Grateful for every day and every met goal. We can do this!

  151. Totally symbolic, Jenny. You’re embroidering all of us together via the thread of your courageous, loving and furiously happy life story. It makes perfect sense that you sewed us onto yourself. That’s how closely connected we feel. Plus you hold your lamp out in front to help us all get through the dark together. You didn’t make a mess…..you made a metaphor. Everybody wins. Like an elderly friend taught me when I was young, “When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.” We’re all hanging on with the help of your beautiful embroidery thread. Thank you for taking such a bold lead.

  152. who hasn’t sewn themselves to something or other? Really, I’m quite sure I’ve done that more than once and I avoid sewing like the plague

  153. I’m undergoing TMS and it is working. I am in maintenance now, every 2 weeks until September. I hope that you continue to follow your mantra that TMS hurts, but depression hurts worse, because it is true. Best wishes.

  154. I’m undergoing TMS and it is working. I am in maintenance now, every 2 weeks until September. I hope that you continue to follow your mantra that TMS hurts, but depression hurts worse, because it is true. Best wishes.

  156. Surprisingly, I have been there done that with both the embroidery and my depression.
    You are loved.

  159. Hi Jenny, My brain is being a major asshole the last few weeks, too. Thanks for sharing your laughs. They help when #depressionlies so loudly. I’m holding on to get a ketamine infusion tomorrow.

  160. This post came at the best time for me last night. A week of feeling down, overwhelmed, anxiety-ridden, exceedingly fatigued, and thinking “I made it THRU WINTER! I should be fine now – seasonal affective disorder is over! What is wrong with me and why can’t I just sleep for the next 9 days?”

    So I got myself to acupuncture (which helps me immensely) and during the period of meditation, started getting my thoughts back in order. When I came home, I read this, and felt so much better knowing I wasn’t alone. There’s some sort of shit retrograding somewhere that needs to start future-grading.

    Thank you for always sharing your journey. We are all on it with you.

  161. Everybody who stitches has stitched themself into a project at least once. I think it’s a rite of stitching passage.

  162. I googled “hot mess” and found some wonderful memes. It made me feel slightly better and less alone. Highly recommended.

    Hang in there, everybody!

  163. My husband and I are both struggling. But while I am struggling with the science experiment of trying to find a way to feel better, he is just trying to stifle it, which is making it worse. I finally had some kind breakdown and convinced him to talk to our GP about how he’s feeling because I am too psychologically overwhelmed to deal with both of our brains. If I could afford TMS I would try to give it a go, I’m running out of options. My copays are too high.

  166. Hang in there Jenny! I’m not Catholic, but according to them, the big guy had a pretty shitty week before Easter, and by Sunday everything was fine! You’re going to be ok -maybe you’re just not cut out for embroidery and should try knitting!!
    Love ya❤️❤️

  167. The firs0t time i ever did a really good job on a satin stitch i had sewed it to my pants and had to cut it out. You are not alone. Things will get better.love you and your blog

  168. Feels reassuring to hear this. Been struggling for a week or so and saw the doc today. He was so helpful in making me calm down enough to focus on what I need to do to get through this. Love all around my friends.

  172. Jenny, you got yourself into a stitch, but you also got yourself out. Please remember that. All while having a woodpecker bang on your head. That’s nothing short of amazing. Spring is tough, with all its pressure swings. I hope the woodpecker works as it has in the past. And that embroidery is fabulous!

  174. Please keep moving forward and I will be right behind you! Much love to you!

  175. This week really was the week from hell. Out of nowhere, my eldest brother (almost 66 years old) committed suicide. He is leaving 3 heartbroken daughters behind, as well as his siblings and other family. I don’t even know where to try and make sense of any of this.

    (I’m so sorry. Sending you so much love. ~ Jenny)

  176. For what it’s worth, I too have sewn myself to fabric and had to cut myself loose. It’s a common problem and a distinct frustration.

  177. So what we are all saying is what T. S. Eliot said in his poem, The Wasteland. “April is the cruelest month.”

  179. Yeah, there must be something in the air. Right now I’m fighting to find the motivation to get dressed and go get prescriptions at the drug store. Because you just KNOW there are going to be people there.

    Love the embroidery design. I don’t know what kind of project I’d work on if things were hammering on my brain. I might doodle. Or color. Or write palindromic haikus.

  182. To Isabel #175: Offering hugs, if you like them. There’s nothing I can do to undo the hurt. Someone out there is thinking of you and yours, though. One foot in front of the other. I lost someone dear to me the same way in 2017. I’m still finding my way. You aren’t alone.

  186. Hugs and kisses to you, Jenny. You are a bright light at the end of a long tunnel. You inspired me to write a humorous blog using my own mental illness as a template. And, though I’m late doing this, I bought some postcards to send out and pay it forward. I received some from your lovely and talented readers, and they really brightened my day. You do good things. You are loved, Thank you to all the people who took time out of their busy lives to send cards. I appreciate you.

  188. Two hours I’ve been trying to make a comment with a link to my last blog post, which ironically is about my fight with WordPress (and the government). Three changed passwords later, it still won’t work. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.
    vickypoutas(dot)com(slash)blog. Oh, you HAVE to read it now.
    Jenny, I still love you dearly. You are an inspiration,

  189. I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety for the majority of my life, so hats off to you for doing something that requires concentration, like the embroidery, which is lovely. Good luck with your treatment 😊

  190. I’m waiting to start TMS, and I’m anxious because the people at the clinic and all the written info about it say “Some people experience scalp tenderness” while the few patient reviews I’ve found say “%@$€! this hurts!”

  192. I’m struggling with anxiety this week. Lots of triggers, none of them huge. Feeling worse than the sum of those parts. I hate feeling like this. I hate the physical symptoms that come with my anxiety. I hate that I can tell my kid that it’s okay if he is feeling too anxious to fall asleep, that he can just rest his body and try to distract himself with books and music, and know that his brain will stop lying to him soon, but I don’t believe it when I tell myself. I just want to feel better.

  193. Srsly. I have done that same thing. We are all in this together. In the immortal words of Red Green, “I’m pulling for you.”

  194. Did the same in Home Ec class. Would like to time travel and tell my 8th grade self that I laugh about it now.

  195. Pingback: Posts I Love | Redefining Perfect

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