I have some regrets

A few weeks ago I was in Kansas City and I went to a bunch of antique shops and thrift stores and that’s when I met this fellow:

Squirrel Haggard

My first thought was, “Who hurt you?” and my second thought was that this squirrel was a near perfect representation of me whenever I see someone I know in public while I’m still wearing my pajamas and a plastic banana clip from 1994.

I’m not sure what it was once holding in its arms but it looks almost exactly like me that time I lugged a 5 gallon tub of ice cream out of the freezer at 3am but then Victor walked in and scared me and I dropped it all over the kitchen floor.

When you wave your dripping hands in front of the automatic paper towel dispenser but nothing comes out.

In the end I did not buy it because it was over $100 but I keep going back to the pictures I took on my phone and I’m pretty sure I made a terrible mistake and I don’t remember which store this one was so if you happen to be in Kansas City and see me in squirrel form, please drop me a line and remind me where I am.

85 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Those poor, poor paws. And the teeth!
    (What happened to leave no one behind?)

    Like

  2. Do you have location data enabled on your phone for photographs? If so, the location would be in the photo’s metadata.

    Liked by 4 people

  3. Was this in West Bottoms area?

    Like

  4. Omg. His name is perfect.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. 5
    Marissa Martin

    Was this in West Bottoms area?

    (I think so. ~ Jenny)

    Like

  6. I live in KC and will do my very best to find this squirrel for you. But just based on the pics/background it looks like that might be the River Market Antique Mall

    Also, why were you in KC? Did I miss something cool? I feel like I must have D:

    (That name sounds familiar so it’s definitely one I went to. We were there to pick up Hailey from summer camp. ~ Jenny)

    Liked by 2 people

  7. He just wants hugz. 😦

    Liked by 2 people

  8. 8
    A Nony Mouse

    Poor Snaggletooth! You know you want him. I hope you find him.

    Like

  9. 9
    Jasmine DeLude

    LOL!

    Like

  10. I have a real stuffed squirrel. I’m a little obsessive about squirrels but mine doesn’t look quite right around the mouth. I call him Buddy and I like to put him on my kid’s bedroom floor, so when they wake up ..well you can guess.

    Liked by 3 people

  11. The lesson is if it speaks to you, you buy it. I hope you find this poor thing

    Like

  12. I’m a KC Girl. I kin go huntin’ fer yer squirrel. lemmeknow

    Liked by 1 person

  13. 13
    Michael Conner

    Oh my lord. Squirrel Haggard.

    BTW, I just finished listening to your first book so this post was extra funny.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. I have envy of your taxidermy naming abilities. I have a 70 year old golden eagle in my library who desperately needs a name. She was stuffed using arsenic, so I have to remind students not to lick her.

    Liked by 5 people

  15. Oh, it’s Haggard the Horiffied! Poor guy. I bet he use to hold an acorn, but if you can track him down, you could get a tiny plastic model of an ice cream bucket (like the kind they put in dollhouse kitchens), and make him hold the ice cream, just like you did 😉

    Liked by 2 people

    Becky Weaver recently posted I’m Vaping and Ingesting CBD, and My Migraines *MIGHT* Be Getting Better.

  16. 16
    Leann McAdams

    I can’t remember how big a squirrels eyes are supposed to be, but this one looks like they’ve seen some shit in their day!

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Who knew your Patronus would be a dead squirrel?

    Liked by 1 person

    becomingcliche recently posted Notes From the Zookeeper: Saying Goodbye.

  18. This is exactly what I look like when I wake up in the morning for work. I think he may even represent us all. You should fly back to Kansas City immediately and save our hero!

    Like

    romcomdojo recently posted I Am Not Molly Ringwald. At Least Not Yet..

  19. It looks like that prehistoric squirrel who can never seem to hang onto his prehistoric acorn in the Ice Age animated movies. I feel bad for him. Does he have just one tooth? And what’s with the string manacle on his foot? Even with one tooth, I think he could gnaw through that and make his escape.

    Liked by 3 people

  20. You need that squirrel! We could GoFundMe $100 in ten minutes!
    In fact, you should set up a perpetual Jenny’s Taxidermy Fund.

    Liked by 2 people

  21. I am mad at the likes of old Haggard these days because they won’t leave my walnut trees alone so I think you’re better off without him. I’m with Victor on this one.

    Like

    Sherry Cassells recently posted I think spellcheck has been hanging out with urban dictionary, because it’s a lot less fuckle than it used to be.

  22. $100 for a dead squirrel?!? I can find a nice specimen along the roadside and stuff it for much less. (Keeping the meat as a snack helps offset the cost of the salt.)

    Liked by 1 person

  23. I can well understand the regret. Perhaps it was the right thing to do. Someone else will get the enjoyment of that very cute squirrel.

    Like

    Gary recently posted Low carb cheeseburger.

  24. Oh man! I’m in south kc, not many good antique places here. Lawrence, ks is a good one for antiquing (and nearer your daughter’s camp I think!) Plus you never know what a weird hippy town (lawrence) will have in it. If I see a weird squirrel…. I’ll let you know

    Like

  25. Squirrel Haggard! I love it! I don’t think there has ever been a better name for one of your discoveries (although you are particularly talented at naming things.)

    Like

  26. This looks like me when I spend over $100 on a stuffed squirrel and my husband looks at the bank account!!
    😳😳😳😳

    Like

  27. 27
    Meridy T Migchelbrink

    Poor creature. Why is there a string tied to his right ankle? And also, why all the equally Haggard “vintage” jewelry, and why would anyone trying to sell it display it with a dead squirrel?

    Like

  28. Next book title suggestion: Nothing Haunts Us Like the Taxidermy We’ve Left Behind…And Other Life Lessons.

    Liked by 2 people

    knockingonfortysdoor recently posted Bag of Hair Blues….

  29. Maybe the empty arms can be explained with that beloved line from Dirty Dancing: I carried a watermelon.

    It’s a metaphor for many of my own experiences.

    Liked by 2 people

    OwnLessDoMore.us recently posted WheRVe we been? Our travels, 2nd quarter 2019.

  30. So sorry squirrel! but you look too funny.. I had this quilty awkward laugh for few minutes.., mostly awkward..

    Like

  31. 31
    christyfollis

    Put a little wooden bowl in his hands:
    “Please Sir…I want some more”

    Liked by 1 person

  32. oHHHHHHHH, poor baby needs a home and get that string manacle off his leg!!!

    Like

  33. I’m so sorry for that poor thing. And I have questions: Did it look like that before it died, or is that just the saddest taxidermy job that ever happened?

    Either way, it feels like a grand injustice has been done this poor animal, and there could be a million country songs it could write if it could ever use its fingers again… and if it could write… and had an affinity for country music …. and was alive.

    Like

  34. Squirrel Haggard laughing/crying Perfect. I hope someone helps you find him! Maybe try bartering? Trade one of your books for a lower price?

    Like

  35. I think she (?) looks that way because someone squeezed her really hard thus causing her eyes to bulge and her teeth to jut out. The limp paws are no doubt because she couldn’t breath. You could do better for $100!

    Like

  36. That looks like Noir Arts and Oddities or Oracle Natural Science. I’m close to both, I’ll go check! I’m so sad I missed you being in KC!

    Like

  37. That is one sad little squirrel!

    Like

    Kyra recently posted The Greater Disconnect (part 1).

  38. That looks like Noir Arts and Oddities or Oracle Natural Science. I’m close to both, I’ll go check!

    Liked by 1 person

  39. I know those stores, looks like Oracle to me.

    Liked by 1 person

  40. 41
    Alice Magers-Cole

    Definitely a Franken- squirrel!

    Like

  41. 42
    Camilla B Baker

    I can see in the first picture that the string ‘manacle’ has a price tag dangling on the other end. If it’s meant to be, you will find each other again.

    Like

  42. He reminds me of Oliver,” please sir,can I have some more? Or maybe he was holding a baby squirrel like Mufasa does in the Lion King? MEP stitchdori1@aol.com

    Like

  43. I too recognize that look – i have seen it in the mirror!

    Liked by 1 person

  44. 45
    Elizabeth Anderson

    This is the Charlie Brown Christmas tree of rodents

    Liked by 1 person

  45. I’m in KC right now! I’ll be sure to let you know if I see this 🙂

    Like

  46. Info needed about which area in kc!!!!! There are A Million miles of roads to search! I see there is already a tribe of hunters forming. I will join them. I live an hour east of kc. But we need an area to start. Did you go wandering about and end up an hour away? Info PLEASE!!!!

    Like

  47. OMG, you must find Squirrel Haggard! (That name is so beyond perfect I’m dying of the perfection!)

    Like

  48. That squirrel has seen some shit.

    Liked by 1 person

  49. Squirrel Haggard! That’s a riot! I would have gone with Squirrelly Temple (if it was female, which I can’t tell from the photos).

    Like

    Janet Coburn recently posted How the World’s Crappiest Typist Got a Job Typing.

  50. What are you going to remember more at the end of the year? Spending that $100 on boring budget things? Or rescuing that poor squirrel and adding it to your menagerie? Because at this point you can start stacking them. Stacks of raccoons with a squirrel crown…

    Liked by 1 person

    reneewittman recently posted Goodbye Forester.

  51. Awww he’s so cute! I hope you find him!

    Like

  52. Okay but no one is asking the important question…where in the hell do I get a five-gallon tub of ice cream?

    Liked by 1 person

  53. 56
    Jennifer Johnson Galan

    Leanne, commenter #14, I cannot NOT tell you that the eagle wants to be named Licky Gunvaldson.

    Liked by 1 person

  54. This is why every time I intend to spend just a few minutes online, it turns into hours. I couldn’t resist looking on eBay for stuffed squirrel and found some I just had to share…

    Apparently this one’s a bargain since it’s 3 for $99; but it appears this squirrel didn’t go down without a fight, even telling its hunter they’re #1….
    https://www.ebay.com/itm/Lot-Of-3-Taxidermy-Rabbit-piebal-Quail-And-Squirrel-Fliping-Bird/173972059878?hash=item28818af6e6:g:1iYAAOSwnIVdNKVQ

    I’m sure this guy’s relieved to know he was stuffed created in accordance with high environmental standards…
    https://www.ebay.com/itm/Taxidermy-squirrel-playing-Billiards-handmade-for-home-or-office/382990679075?hash=item592c05fc23:g:9uQAAOSwwR5c-AWV

    Who even knew stuffed squirrels flippin’ the bird was a thing?
    https://www.ebay.com/itm/The-Red-Squirrel-Flippen-Mount-Taxidermy-Decor/183893890321?hash=item2ad0ee1511:g:6p0AAOSwQ~FdNQFo

    And finally, no matter what time it is, it’s obviously way too late for this little fella:
    https://www.ebay.com/itm/GRAY-SQUIRREL-WITH-CLOCK-TAXIDERMY-MOUNT-MOUNTED-STUFFED-ANIMALS-FOR-SALE/163747588652?hash=item26201dea2c:g:OWYAAOSwLW5dDfxD

    You owe it to yourself to search ebay for “stuffed squirrel taxidermy”.

    Like

  55. If you find the store, offer them $50.

    Like

  56. Crying laughing. Thanks Jenny!

    Like

  57. 61
    ocularnervosa

    He looks like he’s doing a hard poop. Perhaps he swallowed a nut shell and it’s passing.

    Liked by 1 person

  58. I think a majestic, fine old eagle stuffed with arsenic could possibly be named Old Lace. Or, perhaps, in this case, Gold Lace? M

    Liked by 1 person

  59. 63
    Gale Langseth Vester

    Aw, he lost his squirrelfriend.

    Like

  60. I was waiting in line in a restroom the other day and this lady was waving her hands in front of both paper towel dispensers and getting nothing. Finally she asked to wave my hand under it. I did and immediately a towel rolled out. Now I’m wondering do I have the magic towel touch or was she a ghost?

    Like

  61. He looks so much like my Cheese Curds who was allegedly hit by a car. https://possumscatsthingsgnawingatme.wordpress.com/2018/11/21/cheese-curds-yum/
    I recently debated over a very smiley raccoon for $125 but could not figure out where it would go in the house.

    Like

  62. Enjoyed your blogpost. I’m currently reading your book, Furiously Happy. I don’t tweet, but I’m here if you need to think of a peer in a moment of grippling ancxiety. Not sure if I spelled right.
    Best regards, Sonja. Ps. As I read in english I also start to think in english. Which is kind of funny. Does this happen to you while reading in some other language than your native language?

    Like

  63. Definitely a missed purchase-opportunity.

    Like

  64. Judging by the color of his teeth, I’d think the cause of death is lung cancer… looks like a two-pack-a-day smoker if I’ve ever seen one.

    Like

  65. 70
    Pat Rousseau

    How did you NOT buy that? Was it be kind to people named Victor day? And why would THAT stop you? Were you off your meds? That had to be it.

    Like

  66. Jenny: I just spotted this on FB today, but I think this may be too much fucked-up taxidermy even for you…at any rate, here it is: https://worldaroundewe.com (The FB picture was of a rabbit made into a toaster–I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP–but I don’t know if it’s for sale for it. Apparently he wanted to see if he could actually fit a toaster into a rabbit, and, well, apparently he did…)

    Like

  67. $100!?! That’s crazy money! I think you did the right thing leaving him. Besides, you have his picture for free! Think of all the space you could free up if you only took pictures of exciting items instead of buying them.
    No, this is not Victor posting under a pseudonym 🙂 Also, I am about 50% kidding. If you really love something, you should get it. On the other hand, you can’t buy every taxidermy animal. What’s the right phrase here… not “plenty of other fish in the sea”… maybe “plenty of other dead critters on sale”?

    Like

  68. So I’ve been having a total crappy stressful day and your comments about this lovely creature made me smile…which is pretty awesome cuz I was in the funky mood pretty deep. Thanks for the little mood booster.

    Like

  69. The arms, the bowed legs – I suspect that Squerrle was once attached to a branch, au naturel.

    Like

  70. Aw, you have to get that squirrel, it was meant to be. Someone else mentioned a GoFundMe, and I think that’s a great idea! We can help fund your taxidermy addiction. We owe it to you for all the laughs you give us regularly.

    Like

  71. 76
    Kristina W.

    Totally off-topic, but holy hell — I’m all caught up on your blog!! It took about 2 months to get through SEVEN YEARS, but I did it. Woo! I lost track of you will you were on your “Let’s Pretend” book tour… Cut to earlier this year when someone on an Avoidant PD group on Facebook asked if there are any famous people with the disorder. I thought that was a hilarious question because… well, CRIPPLING ANXIETY and FAME don’t exactly go hand-in-hand. Someone dropped your name and I was all, damn, “How did I miss that? Oh right, I wasn’t diagnosed yet when I was reading your blog, so it wouldn’t have meant anything to me even if I had read about it.” So I had to find the post where you talked about AvPD (2015) and then I tried to figure out just how long it had been since I read you (2012) and decided, fuck it – DEEP DIVE. Whew. It was fun! I look forward to staying on top of your writings again and finish your books because now I have all 3 and I actually feel like reading books sometimes occasionally randomly now. (My brain is weird and borken, duh.) ❤

    Like

  72. Wait—I’m still back at the wearing of banana clips is not acceptable public attire. When did that shit happen? And then there’s the squirrel-that poor thing needs a good home. I hope you find it again Jennie.

    Like

  73. Banana Clips. I love you.

    Like

  74. I mean I know I bothered you on Twitter but again I’m glad you visited Noir…even though I wasn’t there…and no one was there to faun over you. Fawn is the deer so it’s faun right?

    Like

  75. Kind of looks like that squirrel from Ige Age.

    Like

  76. I’m reading your book….so I had to check out your blog. I’m LOL
    because I own 2 taxidermied squirrels! One lives in my Living Room,
    and the other in my Dining Room. & I so love Rory! I get it!

    Like

  77. Oh my shit — I did screenshots and texted to my friends on what we call our “blog” (to justify the amount of time we spend on it) and its eyes follow you as you look at it…

    Like

  78. This is the face I make when people try to talk to me in public.

    Like

  79. I have always wanted to try this brand, because the dresses are gorgeous and made to fit! You know how it is for mom’s though- everyone and everything else comes before me. Ol’ Bottom of the totem pole, lol. Someday! You always look fabulous in yours, Jenny!

    Like

  80. And, because I am already having a shitty day, of course I commented on the wrong post…

    Like

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