And that’s how my whole day has been

in Random Crap

This week we have roofers in to fix some damage and every time I go outside I’m certain a sharp piece of tin roof is going to fall off and guillotine me so today when Dorothy Barker had to go out to pee I ran out really quickly with her but she wouldn’t go so I was like, “Get busy.  Get busy.  Hey.  Get busy” because when we trained her we also trained her to pee on command to those words but she wasn’t having it so I was like, “GET BUSY.  COME ON. GET BUSY PLEASE” and then I noticed she was looking behind me and I turned around and the roof guys were having lunch in my yard and had been quietly staring at me as I’d lightly demanded, “GET BUSY” and I was like, “Oh, not y’all.  Enjoy your lunch!  Those are just the magic words that make the dog pee” and they just looked at each other and then nodded warily and even the dog was like, “Well, that was awkward” and then a few minutes later I had to pick up Hailey so I rushed quickly out to my car that was parked in front of the house but my purse strap got hooked on the side mirror and jerked me back crazy hard like a boomerang, which caused me to pour the giant big-gulp sized iced water I was carrying all over my own chest, and the roof guys pretended not to notice but I could totally tell they were trying not to laugh and this is exactly why I have to move and burn the house down.

115 thoughts on “And that’s how my whole day has been”

Read comments below or add one.

  10. Oh, man, I SO needed this today. I am sorry for your embarrassment, but your adventures lifted my spirits!!

  12. No, you don’t have to move out. You just need all the roofing guys to move to Alaska or somewhere.
    Or pretend you’re your own visiting twin sister who is a bit accident prone and is just visiting while the roofing work is being done.

  13. I think you just ask loudly who the chick saying “get busy” was… on the upside, you probably made their day and they’ll be extra careful not to accidentally guillotine you now.

  18. We’ve all been in THAT particular circumstance! You probably made the workers’ day! I imagine it’s terribly boring up on the roof!! Love you to pieces, Jen!!

  19. As a social anxiety ridden train wreck that often performs theater just like this, I have to repeat this mantra in my head, “If that’s the worse thing that happens to me today then I am doing all right.” Doesn’t completely quash the embarrassment but does serve to quiet the voices calling “idioooot!” somewhat.

  20. And that’s exactly why I don’t carry a purse anymore. Icy driveways/parking lots + me + any extra straps or hoods or scarves = bruises on my ass. Sigh. But speaking as a former construction worker, you definitely made their day.

  21. A perfect storm of awkward. Thanks for making me and my husband laugh out loud!! I always read your blog out loud with “lots of expression!” to my husband!

  23. Today I had an interview for a different job in the company I already work for. I did a lot of stammering and bs’d some things as my brain wouldn’t work right to remember things. And I had to mold things I did to make them sound more important as they were asking about achievements. But I remembered they I mostly keep my head down and try not to make a fool of myself or embarrass anyone.
    So now, I’m realizing that maybe I’m not right for this as I don’t have grand achievements and I am a mess of a broken person.
    On the bright side: I got a day off tomorrow and Monday off for the holiday. WooHoo! 4 day weekend!

    E

  25. You also need to track down those roofers and dispose of them so they can’t tell anyone what they witnessed

  29. … sooo .. a long time ago I was on a piece of workout equipment in my second story bedroom. It was hot so I was wearing very little. I heard a noise so whipped around and saw a head disappearing from view in my SECOND STORY WINDOW. I squeaked, then hid. Then curiosity got the best of me so I slinked (slunk?) over to the window, peeked out, and there’s a young man getting into his small pickup and driving away. I look around and there’s another truck in the driveway with ladders and paint. Our landlord had finally decided to hire contractors to paint the house. Poor kid; seeing a chubby white lady working out in virtually no clothing can NOT have been what he was expecting.

  31. Wow, your story outdoes my awkward moment when the neighbors heard me motherfcking my vehicle as it electrocuted my hand when I shut the door. I’ve since then learned to check if they’re on their porch, smoking, with their 4 year old running around outside. *face palm

  32. You just made a bunch of roofers so excited to go to their jobs tomorrow. I mean, would you want that show every day at your workplace?!

  33. I’ve done the purse strap thing, but on a DOOR which my purse strap both yanked me toward AND the door toward me and… it was painful, and awkward, and really disorienting. “WHY IS THIS DOOR ATTACKING ME??? WHY CAN”T I GET AWAY?”

  34. You just totally made my day! Thank you so much for giving me the belly laugh my heart so badly needed. I’m sorry about your water though – that must have been cold!

  35. OMG. I too had a dog roofer moment! Mine yanked me so hard I fell down and she pulled me 20 feet across the yard while roofers looked on. So now I triple check that the leash is attached to the harness and not the collar. Head up, the day can only get better!

  36. Thank you for the laugh Jenny. You are priceless. When I was volunteering in a holiday place for the disabled during my university holidays, I waltzed into the lounge, and before an audience of practically every guest and volunteer, caught the pocket of my skirt on the door handle, ripping my skirt off in the process. I was a (very embarrassed) sensation!

  37. I’m having such a crappy day and you just cracked me up. But I’m laughing with you not at you ‘cause that would be mean.

  38. One time I was out running and passed a big group of people working on the sewer. I tripped over a crack in the sidewalk (Houston) and fell in a really dramatic way. Nobody even offered to help as I picked myself up, BLEEDING, and hobbled off.

  39. clothing is a real pain in the ass for that, I’m always getting sleeves caught on doorknobs and shirts caught on oven handles.
    I had to get rid of some wood chairs because when I sat down in one, the curved wood backrest (???) slid into my pants pocket on the way down and tore the whole pocket off.
    ಠ_ಠ

  40. I was expecting spiders. Or ghosts. Or ghost spiders. This was much more satisfying. And much more…you. Don’t ever change, Jenny. You are perfectly imperfect and and inspiration to Strangelings everywhere

  41. The hand-hold of my crutch is always getting caught on things like my coat pocket, doors, chairs, other people who do not know how to walk faster than someone using a crutch…

  42. Just be sure you move all your important stuff out of the house before striking the match. Because THAT won’t look like premeditated arson at all… 🤣

  43. I read this while eating my lunch. In particular I was trying to cool my chili by blowing on it, which worked well until I started laughing and blew chili all over my phone, the break room lunch table and my sleeves.

  44. I totally get it. Gizmo’s magic phrase is “come on and go poopy!” I know…anyone hearing me in my yard thinks I’m insane.

  45. I always manage to do something embarrassing when we have contractors. Like every. single. time. I’d be a serial arsonist at this point. The command for our dog was “go potty,” and if she was distracted I’d be like, “SYDNEY, Go Potty!” So yeah, I sounded like I was talking to a toddler. I miss her.

  47. My landlord is doing work on the property (clearing an acre of overgrown desert jungle and left over horde from the previous tenant). I’ve walked out to take a shower (shower is outside because I have the crazy) and he’s been out there doing something. I’m wearing a bathrobe and a smile and scurry back in. I’m just waiting until he shows up to do work and I’m mid shower. I can’t think of anything more awkward. “Um. Hi. The shower works great. Thanks for building it.” Or terrified yelps. Probably both.

  48. Oh you made my day!!!It’s nice to know that I’m not the only crazy klutz. This morning, I dropped my full pill container on the kitchen floor. Of course it opened and pills flew everywhere. My corgi, Sparky was right behind me and he thinks that anything on the floor is his. ARGHH!! I was able to get them all picked up and accounted for. Whew!

  49. Haha! I needed that laugh today (stupid mental illness + endometriosis…)

    As a teenager, our family dog went on the words “Good Lady pee pee”… I hope there were no random ladies walking down the street listening to us call “Good Lady pee pee”! That would have been embarrassing for everyone.

  50. They would prefer if we all wore lanyards with our IDs at work, but my philosophy is…I refuse to strangle myself, thank you very much. Because that’s what would happen – a lanyard I was wearing would catch on any door knob or corner that I walked past.

  54. I was wearing one of those sweater wrap poncho thingys the other day and it got hooked on the door to the bathroom and yes, i got stuck. It only took a moment, but people on both sides of the bathroom door saw me nearly get strangled by my own sweater (and stupidity).

  55. OMG you do not know how badly I want to be your neighbor! Never stop telling on yourself…and, yes, you should have your own sitcom. You are the greatest storyteller. ❤️

  56. I feel this so hard—. I can be a reasonably together human being most of the time when no one’s around, but if something really stupid and embarrassing is gonna happen, it’s def gonna be when there’s witnesses. Like the universe saying “ha! Don’t get too comfortable with that” LOL

  59. Yeah, that wouldn’t happen with a cat. We’re litter box trained and just pee whenever we want and then when you do something embarrassing, we’d just pretend we don’t know you. Cats rule.

  60. Last night I was at a robotics team meeting (I coach high school kids) and I was feeling frustrated and frazzled and pulled in 20 directions. After everyone else had gone home, I spent 40 minutes looking for my phone (I won’t even start on the disparate size of phones and women’s pants pockets). By the time I found the ridiculous resting place–that I had walked past twice, I was just all-over irritated. As I was finally walking out, I noticed that a couple of the apples in our fruit dish were turning mush. I planned to chuck them in the snow outside. Only in true “can’t hit the broadside of a barn” fashion that is my hand-eye coordination, I managed to miss the entire gaping space between the railing bars, slam them directly into the bar so that they bounced off and hit me. Some days…

  61. I thought I was the only one who had Three’s Company type moments like these…thank you for this!

  63. I’m laughing so hard I’m crying thank you for that 😂😂😂😂. You’re freakin the best I would just watch a live stream of your life forever.

  65. You didn’t play the Dorothy Barker one cool enough, I would’ve looked at them and said “I’m practicing my daily mantra, ‘Get Busy, Get Busy’ it has been proven to improve brain function by 30% You should try it!” But I’m from California, so maybe it’s more believable here. 🙂

    As far as the water one, well just be glad it wasn’t coffee! I’ve done that more times than I’ve cared to count. The other day my sleeve got stuck on the back of my office chair, the coffee sloshed all over my pants, in a lovely brown stain. It wasn’t incredibly noticeable, but I felt the need to over explain it all damn day.

  68. I feel like those worker’s lives are now a little more interesting. They were probably like ‘another day on the job, boring, same old thing’ but NO! The job is at Jenny Lawson’s house and that is guaranteed to not be boring!

  70. I speak both English and French [and “Frenglish”] to our pets, Pip and Mallaidh [Irish spelling of Molly]. I have a different way to say their names that’s easier when speaking French, because it’s sounds really weird to say their names with a Midwestern U.S. accent in the middle of a French sentence. Pippy with my French accent becomes “PeePee”, and I always feel awkward saying that when he goes outside — even though he’s out there to “peepee” that’s not the word we use. 😂

  72. One of the belt loops on my jacket occasionally gets caught on the storm door handle. Of course, this usually happens when I’m rushing out of the door to get to work and my hands are full of bags and a travel mug of hot tea. At least I leave early enough before the neighbors are awake to see the show.

  73. See, you’re worried about being awkward and embarrassed, and I’m guaranteeing you a majority of those guys went into slow motion time mode and heard “Moving In Stereo” start up. So, you’ve got that going for you.

    P.S., it took me three tries to type “going,” because I typed “boing” the first two. So it’s true.

  75. Here I’ve been thinking I am the only klutz clomping, slipping, ripping and sticking my way thru life. I am among sisters here! I am not alone in my klutziness! Thank you for bringing us all together where we can share our experiences in navigating the world. Every time I go past my rocking chair or kitchen drawer or doorknob and my sweater sleeve has caught and jerks me back 2 feet I will think of y’all with love.💕

  76. You don’t need to move and burn the house down – but if you do, don’t forget to change your name too.

  77. Being overtly HUMAN is a burden we all bear sometimes. You are exceptionally well-practiced at it and we salute you. Carry on.

  79. Tonight a heroin addict was having a major withdrawal and puked all over the parking lot so I had to go out and wash it off, and it turns out I had a better day than someone else. Thanks.

  80. Just tell the roofers the house is theirs now and wear it in good health as you slink away quietly.
    time to buy that RV you always wanted and park it behind Nowhwere to live. 😀

  83. Jenny, I got you!! You, your kick ass family (including all the furkids) and your house full of awesome can all come stay with me! Then we could just laugh and laugh as these things happen as people stare and wonder. It’s so much better when there someone having the same type of mishaps with you.

  84. You are in San Antonio. There’s a good chance the roofers didn’t understand a word of English.

  85. With me, things go in threes. I think you were done yesterday, today who knows?

  86. Some days it just doesn’t matter how hard you try. This morning I discovered the beautiful wool sweater I had knit for my husband (that for some reason he had put in the linen closet) had been discovered by moths. FML.

  87. Whenever I have a fabulously klutzy moment I either spout a spontaneous “motherfucker” out loud, or I start laughing uncontrollably. Depends on whether I’m hurt/angry or doing okay that day in general. There’s something about purse straps and sweaters that just beg to be snagged. Last Saturday I was helping my elderly mother move stuff from the house she is selling to the new place she is moving into and I fell downstairs backwards with a hand truck and a 2 drawer plastic file cabinet filled with stuff on top of me. Luckily I was just bruised and shook up, with a mild concussion. My mother was horrified, as she saw the whole thing, and when I told my husband when I got home, he has a major panic attack, but later tells everyone at his work and all his friends about it. He always says I need a bib and a sippy cup because I’m always spilling stuff on my clothes whenever there’s food or drink involved. People like us need our own sitcoms, because Lucille Ball has nothing on us for physical comedy!

  89. I got a cactus stuck on my ass at school today. Not a sticker or a drawing, an actual real live cactus. Oh, and I’m the teacher. Thankfully no students saw as I was laughing so hard that I sounded like a demented duck. And that’s why you should always knock before entering the teachers’ workroom.

  91. The roofers probably think it is like being home. Everyone goes through those same days. They would be mad if you burnt the house now though, the roof is new.

  92. I was so concerned about my kids not falling that I feel getting off the jungle cruise last weekend. I feel you.

  93. You and my mother-in-law would have made great friends. Two stories. One she was walking in a big parking lot with her kids and a car waaaaaay ahead was backing out and she called out, “Don’t hit us.” The car stopped and the woman stuck out her head and called my mother-in-law’s maiden name. It turned out to be a college friend from way back. “How did you know it was me?” “You’re the only one I know who would say such a thing.”
    Second story I was with her. We went shopping, she drove. Finished shopping and went to the parking lot and could not find the car (Lincoln). We walked up and down all the aisle in the general area we left the car multiple times. Decided to go to another store and come back later, closer to closing when the lot would be emptier. When we did, still didn’t find the Lincoln and that is when she realized we took the small car, which we had passed multiple times. She was always a ‘trip’ in the best sense of the word.

  94. I don’t see why you have to burn your house down if you’re moving anyway. Just sell it, take the money and run!

  95. years ago I was in bad back mode, and one sunday realized I had to go to the grocery store; when I got there, I parked across from two old ladies sitting in a pickup, obviously waiting for ‘son” to come back and drive them home. I realized that in order to get out of my small, low to the ground car I was going to have to do some really ugly contortions to get out. All I could do was open the door and haul my self gracelessly up by hanging onto the top of the open door, trying not to whimper.
    Then I looked over, and saw the two old ladies staring at me with this “WELL. Drinking, and on a Sunday, too…” face. Total disapproval. I smiled, and waved, and lurched off across the parking lot, glad I had given them something to chew on over Sunday dinner…

  97. At least it was just water and all evidence of the spill was gone as soon as it dried instead of something like coffee that would shine like a badge of dishonor on your chest until you could change your shirt?!

  98. This is what I love so much about you – and why I’ve decided to postpone our engagement party for a little while. You deeply delight me and worry me at the same time. PLEASE look both ways when you cross the freeway!

  99. Oh I feel your pain. A couple of years ago when our house was resided, I took a shower in our upstairs bath and then realized I’d forgotten my morning painkiller. So wearing nothing but a hair turban, I waltzed out to my bedstand only to look directly at the guy outside the second story window. I backed away slowly (why? Is he a bear?) and then called my husband because I couldn’t handle answering any contractor questions. When he rolled into the driveway, the poor guy on the ladder looked terrified like I had accused him of peeping on me. I later tried to make a joke about it and promised not to burst out naked again, and they all pretended like they had no idea what I was talking about. The horror, the horror. I solved that problem by moving 800 miles away.

  100. Gawd I love you, Jenny. You made me laugh out loud. You do the kind of stupid stuff that I thought only I could do!

  101. I got stuck in my cash register with the headset I was wearing. I had to have them open the drawer. to rescue my headset.

  102. Has your bookstore materialized yet? We are coming to San Antonio next week and would love to see it.

  103. I adore your writing! The purse strap incident reminded me of a long-ago date I had with a very insecure young man. While I was in the ice cream parlor’s restroom, the chain-style handle of my purse slipped down the sink drain and became stuck in the plumbing. I was in there for at least 30 minutes, grunting and pulling to get it dislodged. By the time I came out my date was convinced I had jumped out the window and caught a cab home.

  104. My daughter recommended I read your books after I was diagnosed with RA, Depression, Anxiety…. you get it. I read Furiously Happy. I laughed, I cried and I realized I wasn’t alone in this battle and maybe I’m not crazy. My therapist assures me that I’m not crazy, but I think she’s just being nice. Thank you!

  106. Well…at least your magic words aren’t “Let’s go potty! Let’s go poop!” That would have been more awkward in the front yard. I’m now wishing I had thought our phrases out a little more.

  107. So funny story…I watched your Tedx talk last night, was saving it for a bad day, and started bawling my eyes out and some weird transference-type thing happened and I was like wailing “why can’t I be her bff or better yet one of her cats so I can bask in her warmth and wit without having to talk?” and just feeling general celeb-crush bereftness and loneliness (which hasn’t happened in decades) so of course I got all stalkerish and started reading your posts from the beginning again and came across the Amy Sedaris one where you want desperately to be her bff and I was like huh. Sounds familiar. And got some perspective again. And felt so much better. And then I saw the nasty comment from the troll who called you a crazy stalker and your brilliant response: “Mom?”, and I laughed my ass off and the endorphins flowed and you helped me survive another day. So, thank you for that, and rest assured that my crazy stalker phase only lasted for a few hours.

  108. Thank you. Laughing at this made my headache go away. It’s like a temporary miraculous cure!

  109. Oh, Jenny, have your cats taught you nothing? When you do something embarrassing/stupid act like it never happened or that you meant to do whatever. Thanks for another delightful story.

  110. So referencing #107, my questions are:
    1. Can you please replace this box of Kleenex you made me go through?
    2. Assuming it’s a chain, who wants to be my bff? (Okay, I see how that could feel creepy.)
    3. Were you wondering if I was planning on moving to San Antonio and living secretly in the attic of the bookstore? Because I wasn’t planning that.

  112. One of my students caught her purse strap on the classroom door as she was leaving the other day and it slammed VERY dramatically. Then she was trapped outside while her purse was on the inside. I wouldn’t blame her if she never came back!

  113. A Jenny Lawson run-on is my ultimate writing goal.
    The genius.
    The art.
    swoon
    Be the happy laugh in someone’s day.
    …Oh.
    Good Job!!

  114. I recently read a book (Eileen by Ottessa Moshfegh) where the protagonist, every time she stepped outside her front door, thought about how one of the icicles hanging above said door could fall and pierce her skull/chest/foot. At least she only had to worry about that for 4-5 months/year; you have to worry about tin roof falling from sky year-round. You have my sympathy.

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